Episode 197 · The Ben Avery Era
#197 - Essential Episode | The Tim Dillon Show
Apr 26, 2020 · 1:06:48 · 301,000 views · 17 segments, 123 moments indexed
This is the essential episode for the essential worker. Tim discusses what kind of women listen to the show, lean cuisine meals, and David Dobrik.
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- 2 min
Mask Complaints and Dominico's Eggplant Parm Shoutout
#Tim jokes about his disgusting reusable mask and the Beverly Hills six-foot rule, then pivots into an enthusiastic unpaid shoutout for the eggplant parmesan from Dominico's specialty store, recommended by Sal Vulcano.
5moments
- Tim jokes about Beverly Hills mask mandate requiring face coverings within six feet of another person.
- Reusable cloth masks are disgusting and shouldn't be reused after breathing into them.
- Tim gives a shoutout to Dominico's specialty store for their life-changing eggplant parmesan.
- Eggplant parm is a difficult dish to execute because it's either too mushy or the slices are cut too thick, but Dominico's version is perfect.
- The eggplant parm comes frozen and can be heated in the oven or microwave, though Tim always chooses the microwave.
Dominicos specialty storeSal Vulcano
- 4 min
The Horrors of Lean Cuisine and Microwave Diet Food
#He riffs on microwaving food since childhood cocaine use, then goes on an extended riff about the awfulness of Lean Cuisine sandwiches, crisping trays, and the diet-food industry pretending to help people it made fat.
7moments
- Lean Cuisine sandwiches where you add water and it becomes food, served in little crisping trays.
- Tim describes eating a Lean Cuisine sandwich in an office as so depressing it makes suicide seem reasonable.
- The horrors of mass-produced diet food: the same corporations that pushed sludge through drive-throughs now selling expensive alternatives that just need water added.
- Tim watched his mother and countless Long Island women choke down Lean Cuisines, and men did it even more shamefully.
- Men pulling out a Lean Cuisine in the break room had to act tough and aggressive about it, turning health food into a weird masculine display.
- The Asian chicken Lean Cuisine contains just four to five morsels of meat the FDA considers close enough to chicken, plus a handful of angel hair pasta.
- Lean Cuisines get so explosively hot in the microwave they cause third-degree burns, hotter than a cast-iron pan because it's just chemicals burning plastic.
- 6 min
Tim reads out current global and US coronavirus case/death/recovery numbers, reflects on the real toll of the virus, then does a bit about China supposedly using 5G to trigger a vaccine-activated collapse.
11moments
- Coronavirus death count update: 2.8 million cases worldwide, 197,000 deaths, and the USA is about to break a million cases.
- Young people are having strokes from COVID and nobody knows why—you go to the hospital and may not come back out.
- Tim acknowledges the virus is real and people are dying, even if you debate the mortality rate or government response.
- 15,000 critical COVID cases in the USA might partly reflect the fact that most people haven't been outside yet.
- If China engineered COVID, distributed a vaccine, and then activated 5G to kill everyone, you'd have to respect the long game.
- Tim's logic: if 5G towers actually cause people to collapse and shake after vaccination, that's just an impressive strategic victory for China.
- Essential workers at meat processing plants are being forced back to work while Trump ignores their safety.
- Meat packing wasn't fun or well-paid before the pandemic either—so what's the actual improvement in calling these workers essential now?
- Not every job has a silver lining; some people's only relief from work is cigarettes, alcohol, pills, or watching dark web content.
- No one cared about essential workers before they were called essential—they made $8 an hour and we never treated them as actually essential.
- Tim argues calling low-wage workers essential during a crisis is insulting because we still don't genuinely believe they're essential.
Donald TrumpCOVID-19Chinameat processing plantsBarack Obama
- 5 min
Meatpacking Plants and the Fake 'Essential Worker' Praise
#He argues that meatpacking and grocery workers were never actually valued before the pandemic and that calling them 'essential' now is hollow, hypocritical praise from people who wouldn't trade places with them.
7moments
- Tim says Hollywood won't admit it doesn't actually think meatpacking plant workers are essential, just doesn't want them to die.
- The 'essential worker' praise from celebrities is all canard—empty talk like thanking bus drivers.
- Tim brought food to nurses and doctors during COVID but immediately regretted it, realizing they needed PPE and vaccines, not lasagna.
- People don't genuinely care about essential workers—you can't flip a switch overnight and start caring about someone you ignored before.
- Tim rejects the fake social media displays of affection for essential workers, including pot-banging, and says broader wealth redistribution is needed.
- David Dobrik shooting a t-shirt cannon with $10,000 at people in LA is the symptom of a fallen world where billionaires replacing structural change passes for generosity.
- Tim initially misheard that Dobrik was shooting families in need and said he liked the concept, but lost interest when he realized it was actually charitable.
- 4 min
David Dobrik's T-Shirt Cannon Charity as the State of America
#Tim uses David Dobrik's viral videos of shooting cash-filled t-shirts/potato guns at people in need as a symbol of America's collapsed social safety net, contrasting government stimulus checks with YouTuber philanthropy.
9moments
- Tim describes America in 2020: families can only rely on a YouTube guy with a t-shirt cannon shooting money at them because the government provides nothing.
- David Dobrik shooting thousand-dollar checks buried in potatoes from a cannon represents charity in modern America.
- Tim's problem with the digital world is that everything is about selling sneakers and launching product lines.
- Tim announces his upcoming product launch will donate all proceeds to wealthy Hollywood celebrities because he's not throwing good money after bad.
- Tim imagines a dystopian scenario where Dobrik gives thirty grand in pennies and forces people to crawl around stuffing them in their ass.
- Tim points out that shooting t-shirts at people in actual need is impractical because they might shoot back.
- Government gave twelve hundred dollars; David Dobrik gives ten thousand—that's something to think about.
- Poor people now have to retweet YouTubers and influencers like Jeffree Star, hoping they'll pay for their student loans or medical bills.
- YouTube philanthropy is now an official part of the American system—waiting for whatever narcissist is willing to throw money your way.
- 2 min
Patreon Plug and Carpet Poverty Riff
#A quick aside about joining the Patreon and the drought of new movies/TV (Ozark being the exception), followed by a riff on carpeted apartments as a sign of poverty and living among dead actors' ghosts.
6moments
- Tim pitches the Patreon, noting they have 4,500 subscribers and no new movies are coming this year.
- Ozark is the best show despite having an OK script carried by phenomenal actors like Laura Linney and Jason Bateman.
- All entertainment should just be Tim yelling at people in his carpeted apartment instead of anything else.
- Carpet is a sign of poverty—a disgusting eighties-era carpet means you truly live in hell.
- Tim's old apartment building has probably housed many actors and actresses who said their final farewell there, and he's living with their dust and broken dreams.
- A litany of failures is what he's describing about his living situation.
- 3 min
Childhood Cereal Deprivation and Sleepover Sugar Cereal Memories
#Tim tells the story of his parents banning sugary cereal like Lucky Charms, connecting it jokingly to his path to addiction, then reminisces about getting sugary cereal at neglectful friends' houses during sleepovers.
6moments
- Tim's parents banned him from eating cereal with yellow dye number five and Lucky Charms as a child.
- He claims he became a gay cocaine addict at 13 as revenge for cereal deprivation, when he could have been a married banker.
- The best part of sleeping over at a friend's house as a kid was getting access to their cereal in the morning.
- Josh's mother made terrible dry French toast for breakfast, representing the worst outcome of a sleepover meal.
- Sleeping over at a white-trash kid's house with absent parents meant access to premium cereals like Cookie Krisp or Count Chocula.
- Tim realized that kids whose parents let them eat Lucky Charms were the ones getting backhanded by their fathers.
Lucky CharmsCookie CrispCount ChoculaWaffle CrispMagic Spoon
- 8 min
A sponsor read for Magic Spoon low-carb cereal that drifts into riffs about his mostly-male audience, addressing 'special' female fans, threats about buying the cereal, and jokes about celebrities and Ryan Phillippe using the promo code.
14moments
- Magic Spoon has created zero-sugar cereal with 12 grams of protein and three net carbs per serving.
- Tim tastes Magic Spoon's fruity flavor and compares it to Froot Loops and Fruity Pebbles.
- People who liked Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles as kids are now standing over strangled corpses.
- Tim explains his cereal preferences: he liked loops and cinnamon toast crunch, not clusters or pebbles.
- Tim bought Apple Jacks during quarantine, realized what he was doing, and threw it out.
- Magic Spoon's food scientists and chefs spent time recreating the taste of sugary cereal for people trying to stay on keto.
- The cereal is keto-friendly, gluten-free, soy-free, and non-GMO.
- Podcasters with female audiences make millions, but Tim's audience is mostly men because he talks sense instead of recapping reality TV.
- The women who do listen to Tim are special: businesswomen, drug addicts, QAnon believers, people who've been to prison or considered hiring someone to kill their husbands.
- Tim tells women listening from their suburban hell to visit magicspoon.com/timdillon and use promo code Tim Dillon so he can make money from female listeners.
- If women buy the cereal, Tim will stop talking about the CIA and instead do the show in drag discussing The Bachelor and avocado toast.
- Tim threatens to come to people's houses and kill their families if they don't buy the cereal, specifically targeting celebrities like the kid from Ozark.
- Tim warns that if someone buys Magic Spoon but doesn't use promo code Tim Dillon, he'll drive LA homeless patients to their house to cough on their belongings.
- Magic Spoon dot-com slash Tim Dillon with promo code Tim Dillon for free shipping.
- 1 min
Patreon vs. Big LA Podcasts
#He explains why he keeps a Patreon even as bigger LA podcasts drop theirs, framing it as a fair value exchange for fans, with a joking threat that he'll never get 'less funny.'
3moments
- Tim explains why big LA podcasts don't have Patreon — they don't need it because everyone already buys their stuff.
- He's sold bad products before — subprime mortgages, broken copier machines — and admits he'll do it again, but insists Patreon is actually a fair deal.
- Tim addresses the fear that he'll get less funny once he can afford a house, joking that if he can't afford one, he'll kill his entire audience instead.
- 2 min
Fake Vaccine Bit and the Two Camps Fighting Over Lockdown
#A short joke about brewing a fake vaccine in his kitchen leads into framing the anti-lockdown protesters as reckless idiots on one side of a dumb national divide.
4moments
- Tim jokingly creates a fake vaccine in the kitchen using white wine vinegar and olive oil, planning to call the CDC.
- The core problem: anti-vaccine and anti-lockdown movements have merged into one camp claiming they're being enslaved.
- On one side, lockdown protesters act entitled to destabilize society without basic hygiene, forcing lockdowns on everyone else.
- If people didn't behave like animals—defecating in Applebee's booths—lockdowns wouldn't be necessary in the first place.
anti-vaccine movementCDCApplebee's
- 6 min
Cat Moms, Spring Breakers, and Necessary Meatpacking Labor
#He mocks quarantine-fetishizing 'cat mom' bread-bakers and reckless spring breakers alike, then argues that essential low-status jobs like meatpacking exist because someone has to do them, tying it to a woman he saw limping on Laurel Canyon.
9moments
- Quarantine has become a boon for cat mom winos baking bread and displaying shokudo platters all day.
- Some people need to go out and open their business—the fried chicken and grenade stand—because people need fried chicken and grenades.
- Spring break kids are disgusting and the whole thing should end immediately.
- Genuine displays of affection and happiness should be over; people should walk around thinking about death every minute.
- Meatpacking plants are necessary because the food supply can't be interrupted and people need to eat meat.
- Someone has to package the meat before you get it, and you can't tell those workers not to smoke or drink—they need to live how they want.
- Tim saw a woman limping down Laurel Canyon and couldn't help because of COVID protocols.
- The meatpacking plant worker might not be qualified for other jobs—running Paramount Pictures, owning a bank, or being a lawyer.
- Rich people want a vaccine so they can go back to treating working people like shit.
- 7 min
Nobody Actually Cares About Essential Workers
#Tim argues that the 'thank you essential workers' sentiment is dishonest performative caring, pointing at DoorDash's incompetence, that not every nurse is a hero, and that real change is impossible while everyone pretends to care.
10moments
- Tim on the patronizing myth of 'essential workers' and what people actually want—to get vaccinated and return to being treated normally.
- Concrete policy proposals: cancel student debt for nurses and doctors, offer low-interest relief to essential retail workers like those at Target.
- Nobody actually cares about anyone—not politicians, not celebrities, and definitely not strangers. The performative caring is an insult to intelligence.
- Once the vaccine arrives, essential workers will immediately return to being disrespected at the deli counter and elsewhere.
- Patrice O'Neal's bit: you can't care about every disaster happening simultaneously; survival depends on not caring about everything.
- DoorDash is neither essential nor competent—drivers are just people who couldn't sell screenplays, now called heroes for delivering meatballs.
- Not all nurses are heroes, and not all essential workers deserve blanket praise—respect depends on the individual.
- The country will only heal when people resume treating grocery store workers like garbage, returning to normal social hierarchy.
- The only hope for essential workers is viral videos of them being shot with money guns by narcissists with YouTube followings.
- Tim ends by sarcastically thanking essential workers while making clear he won't participate in the lie.
DoorDashBarack ObamaDonald TrumpAmy SchumerChuck SchumerBristol FarmsPatriceTarget
- 3 min
Fantasy of Returning to Abusing Essential Workers, and Nuclear War Warning
#A dark bit imagining society reverting to mistreating grocery/service workers once the pandemic ends as the true marker of recovery, plus a tangent warning about impending nuclear war with China and mocking Candace Owens donors.
7moments
- Tim warns the country is becoming a bunch of wino cat moms obsessing over goofy parents and banana bread when nuclear war with China is coming in six months.
- The original premise of the show was Tim screaming about nuclear war at midnight—exactly the space he and Ben wanted to create.
- Stop donating to Candace Owens; you're angrier at drag shows on HBO than at the government that shut down the economy and gave you $1,200.
- Tim agrees with Bill Gates about depopulation—he just wants to decide who goes, like people who don't buy Magic Spoon cereal.
- Bill Hicks had a bit about strange political bedfellows, like Iraqis wanting to behead Bush while Bill joked about agreeing with Saddam on some things.
- Don't panic about the chip coming into your neck—it's probably happening but you won't live to see it.
- Liberty movements sprouting up around the country claim freedom but really just want a version of Jesus fascism—trading one corrupt master for another.
- 5 min
QAnon, Conspiracy Culture, and Trump-Jesus Fascism
#Tim criticizes mainstream conspiracy culture for collapsing into Jesus-fascism and QAnon nonsense, mocking Trump believers for thinking he's secretly fighting Satan/pedophiles, and citing Christopher Hitchens on North Korea's lack of dissent humor.
9moments
- Tim on the QAnon trap: people turn their brains off to escape mainstream media, then turn them off again by routing everything through John 3:16 and Jesus.
- Conspiracy went mainstream when it shouldn't have, and most people engaging with it have learned American history through memes and don't understand the facts.
- Charlatans and grifters knowingly push false theories, aware there won't be three days of darkness or celebrity arrests, making money by convincing people they're part of something.
- Tim questions the stupidity required to believe a man who was friends with the Clintons and Epstein is secretly leading a war against Satan.
- The conspiracy figure made his money with gambling and modeling, not fighting evil, and his religious conversion is recent across multiple marriages.
- People genuinely committed to saving children don't build real estate empires with Russian mobsters involved in human trafficking.
- Hitchens on North Korea: the most alarming aspect of totalitarianism is when people don't joke about it or acknowledge the lie, because admitting it means accepting your whole life was one.
- Tim acknowledges some of the figure's policies had merit—immigration enforcement and manufacturing jobs—but executed them cruelly through family separation rather than humanely.
- Border security and enforcement are reasonable positions that don't require buying into the conspiratorial framework or cruel family separation policies.
Nancy PelosiChristopher HitchensJeffrey EpsteinNorth KoreaconspiracyChuck SchumerJesus Christ
- 1 min
Trump's Actual Policy Record: Immigration and Manufacturing
#He gives a more measured take on which Trump policies he'd actually support (border security, bringing manufacturing back) versus what he condemns (family separations), predicting a reckoning when Trump leaves office.
3moments
- Tim on cocaine-addled celebrities not understanding why borders exist.
- Tim predicts people will realize electoral politics doesn't work after Trump leaves office.
- The actual solution to America's dysfunction: buying Magic Spoon cereal.
- 3 min
A callback bit turning the Magic Spoon cereal into a metaphor for national salvation, joking that eating it will let society return to abusing essential workers again, capped with a Ghislaine Maxwell Real Housewives joke.
6moments
- Tim pitches Magic Spoon cereal as the vaccine to societal collapse—eating it will make you shed racism and xenophobia and believe in building a new country.
- Without Magic Spoon, chaos and death will follow: people snapping their pets' necks in the street, complete breakdown.
- Tim reflects on paying attention to politics as a child and realizing it's all pretend—a money-printing operation.
- Magic Spoon cereal is the vaccine to the pandemic: eat it and Americans can resume assaulting essential workers and uber drivers.
- A year from now with no new cases, you'll know the country's back when you splash a glass of your own urine in an essential worker's face and he thanks you for it.
- Ghislaine Maxwell should be cast as one of the Real Housewives of New York—an international woman of mystery with a mysterious pullquote about people not knowing the real her.
Magic SpoonGhislaine Maxwellvaccine to coronavirus
- 4 min
Closing Riff: Returning to Abusing Essential Workers and Satan's Take on America
#Tim closes the show with a sign-off riff fantasizing about backhanding nurses and grocery clerks once the pandemic ends as a sign of America's recovery, ending with a bit that even Satan would be embarrassed by the state of the country and this podcast.
7moments
- Tim's advice for people in a bad spot: position yourself in front of David Dobrik's t-shirt gun or accept that no one really cares about you.
- Cat moms love quarantine because they've created a trillion pretend friends online instead of maintaining real relationships.
- Tim says the goal of this country is eventually to piss in the mouth of an essential worker again.
- When things open up, the first thing Tim plans to do is get in a screaming match with a Bristol Farms employee over gravlax and smokes.
- Tim used to spit in nurses' faces and call them strippers, but can't anymore because his cat might end up on a ventilator.
- Satan would be embarrassed by America and would want nothing to do with this country.
- No major Hollywood figure has offered to improve the podcast because they view it the same way Satan views America — as something beyond help.