Episode 194 · The Ben Avery Era
#194 - We're Going Home | The Tim Dillon Show
Apr 5, 2020 · 1:02:22 · 215,000 views · 26 segments, 134 moments indexed
Tim Dillon with the full hour to breakdown what an "artist's" life will become, insane zoom office calls, what he will do at JFL this year, and why we need to stop with the "isms".
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Week 3 of Quarantine
#Tim opens the show noting it's week three of COVID-19 lockdowns across the United States, setting the stage for the episode.
2moments
- Cold open for week 3 of quarantine in the United States
- Most states now have stay-at-home orders
- 2 min
The Only Joy Left: Delivering Bad News to Friends
#Tim describes the perverse pleasure of calling friends every morning to crush their hope with worse news than they expected, comparing himself to Paul Revere but from his couch.
4moments
- There's never been a time when every piece of news has been equally horrifying.
- The only joy left is calling people and telling them they don't know how bad it really is.
- Tim and others compete to deliver bad news like Paul Revere, except sitting on the couch watching Netflix.
- Morning doomcalling: quarantine won't end, chips will be implanted in arms, no restaurants, no school in fall.
- 3 min
Good Cop Bad Cop with Friends' Emotions
#He elaborates on alternating between devastating and falsely uplifting friends on the phone, and riffs on a New Yorker friend who insists on suffering through the pandemic with fellow New Yorkers.
7moments
- Tim calls people and catches them with hope, then crushes it by listing catastrophes and unemployment.
- He tells hopeful people they're ignorant for thinking things will improve by summer.
- Tim's strategy is bringing people down, then lifting them up slightly to crush them again.
- He calls people every other day to play good cop bad cop with their emotions.
- Yesterday he told everyone quarantine would last forever, then called back with cherry-picked good news.
- His motivational speeches are different—he tells people everything will be okay because New York is like Italy right now.
- A friend said she's glad to experience the crisis with New Yorkers rather than LA narcissists.
- 2 min
Americans' Death Wish Will Save the Economy
#Tim argues that America's reckless disregard for life, love of cruises, guns, and drunk driving will paradoxically get the economy moving again once restrictions lift, unlike more cautious Europe.
7moments
- Tim argues that America's disregard for human life and self-destructive nature will save the economy.
- Americans will arm themselves, hide in bunkers, then immediately return to cruise ships and Applebee's as if nothing happened.
- Tim predicts four-year-olds will find pandemic guns and shoot themselves in their homes.
- Europe will sit home and ponder while America gets drunk, crashes cars, and causes bodily harm the moment restrictions lift.
- Tim says he's hopeful only because Americans will cause problems and harm—the private sector and government can't be trusted.
- The only real solution is science: a vaccine or antiviral drug like chloroquine with erythromycin, which France already approved.
- Public policy solutions won't please anybody and there are no good answers, only waves of the crisis ahead.
- 2 min
No Good Trade-offs, Just a Wait for Science
#He discusses chloroquine and antivirals, cites Thomas Sowell on trade-offs, and explains that a vaccine timeline of 15-18 months is the only real hope, with news constantly shifting.
5moments
- Thomas Sowell on pandemic trade-offs: no solutions, only bad ones.
- Tim on waiting for science to fix the pandemic instead of relying on Trump or Biden.
- Vaccine development takes 15 to 18 months on average, which explains why people are panicking.
- Life won't return to normal until hospitalization can be prevented, either through vaccine or antiviral.
- Tim notes the advice could completely reverse overnight, citing April 3rd or 4th as potential pivot points.
- 1 min
Why Do I Need a Mask Walking Alone in Beverly Hills?
#Tim complains about mask mandates for people walking alone outdoors, arguing it makes no sense if you're not near anyone, while conceding it's different in crowded New York.
4moments
- Tim questions why he needs to wear a mask walking alone through Beverly Hills when he doesn't interact with anyone.
- Tim argues that if the virus were truly airborne, everyone would have it by now.
- Tim acknowledges masks make sense in grocery stores or during interactions, but not for solitary walks on empty streets.
- He asks the media to give people a break with the constant messaging.
- 2 min
Media Overload and Shooting TikTok Kids in Parks
#He riffs on the media's relentless parade of pandemic human-interest stories and jokingly suggests police should use rubber bullets or tear gas on people ignoring social distancing in parks.
5moments
- Tim criticizes media for unearthing every negative story at once instead of spacing them out.
- He argues they didn't print the dead victims' stories until after 9/11 towers fell, so why rush now.
- If people in parks aren't taking the situation seriously, they should be shot—or at least gassed.
- The LAPD and NYPD shoot people for much less than gathering in public during a pandemic.
- Tim admits he'd smile a little if he saw TikTok kids in LA getting tear-gassed by authorities.
- 2 min
Bill Gates and the Bioweapon Conspiracy Angle
#Tim jokes about Agenda 21/Build 18 conspiracy theories, saying if elites really did release the virus deliberately there's nothing anyone could do about it anyway, and speculates it's more likely a Chinese lab leak.
6moments
- If they released the virus, at a certain point you might as well buy heroin and prepare for what comes next.
- Tim doesn't personally believe Gates did it because he thinks they'd prefer people making money at jobs while the economy collapses.
- If Bill Gates released the virus, what are you going to do—tweet about it? Shoot at trees in your backyard?
- Tim's more likely theory: it was a Chinese bioweapon that accidentally leaked from the Wuhan lab, possibly from animals they were experimenting on.
- It's weird the virus happened during Hong Kong protests, but China had no problem shooting tear gas at protesters anyway.
- It's possible China released it intentionally, but Tim doesn't know that they did.
- 3 min
90s Parenting: Watching Se7en and Casino as a Kid
#Tim recalls his father's laissez-faire parenting style of letting him watch violent R-rated movies and adult conversations as a child, including a memorable dinner party story about a man joking of pushing his wife out an attic window.
5moments
- Tim's father let him watch Stephen King's The Stand as a child during the 90s because his parenting style was to allow him to watch most things.
- Movies like Se7en, Dead Man Walking, and Casino were fair game—no restrictions on violent or mature content.
- Boomer parents with one child would take their kid to dinner with friends rather than hire a babysitter, exposing the child to adult conversation.
- Tim's father never censored himself around his son, talking freely about dark topics like wanting to harm his wife or using drugs.
- Tim recalls a drunk man at a dinner table saying he sometimes wanted to push his wife out an attic window while other men laughed over red wine.
- 4 min
Long Island Boomers Softening on "Just the Flu"
#He describes how Long Island locals who initially dismissed the pandemic as liberal hysteria and mocked it with WWII memes are now going quiet as the death toll rises.
11moments
- Long Island's initial pandemic response was to tell people to shut up and deny the severity.
- Parents had to explain why relatives couldn't attend events like Maria's baby shower, and older people dismissed it as nothing serious.
- Tim avoided making hard predictions early on, knowing he'd have to walk them back later.
- Driving past Cedars-Sinai and seeing few people there could have easily led him to claim the whole thing was fake.
- On Long Island, the pandemic was framed as liberal hysteria designed to wreck the economy and get Trump voted out.
- Long Island boomers share World War Two memes about toughness while dismissing the pandemic as sniffles, despite never serving themselves.
- The only thing these boomers did for their grandparents who served in World War Two was rob money off their mantles.
- Some people on ventilators before slipping into comas will still insist it's not serious rather than question their worldview.
- "Trump 2020" will be the last words some Long Island residents ever say.
- Certain Long Islanders would rather drown in their own lungs than unravel their political beliefs.
- The pandemic may have increased or decreased sex in relationships, depending on whether couples are growing to hate each other.
- 5 min
Tim reads the Manscaped ad for the Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer with a discount code, then drifts into a riff about jerking off during work Zoom meetings and pretending things are normal.
7moments
- Manscaped ad: engineers spent 18 months crafting the perfect ball hair trimmer, now released as Lawnmower 3.0 with ceramic blade and skin-safe technology.
- Tim uses Manscaped personally and recommends it; applies equally to women with surgically-created penises or anyone with excessive pubic hair.
- Story: friend's mother, a prostitute, advised young Tim and his friend to treat themselves well—don't get girls pregnant, just masturbate instead.
- Tim imagines using the Lawnmower 3.0 during work Zoom meetings while shaving genitals for an hour and a half.
- Zoom meetings for work are surreal: everyone acts normal discussing marketing numbers while society potentially collapses.
- Tim references his wife calling during existential panic—he considered not letting her in his house because he's in survival mode about providing for his kids.
- The absurdity of post-masturbation Zoom calls: covered in semen, forced to face former coworkers who are equally covered in their own ejaculate while discussing business.
- 6 min
Going Home to Cliff and Denny's: The Comedy Career Apocalypse Fantasy
#Tim delivers an extended fictional monologue predicting stand-up comedians will lose their livelihoods and be forced to move back to their hometowns, marry a local bad boy named Cliff, befriend their old high school bully, and settle for a diminished small-town life.
10moments
- Comedians relying solely on stand-up income may need to get day jobs soon as the environment becomes uncertain.
- Time to call your parents, stop ridiculing their religion, and prepare to move back home.
- The apocalypse fantasy: going home to a small town, community college, and working as a waitress at a local diner.
- Meeting Cliff, the town bad boy with a pleather jacket, and his alcoholic mother who hopes you'll save him.
- When Denny's reopens, sitting in a booth with your former cheerleader nemesis, now fat and suffering, eating incompatible foods.
- Working as a receptionist at a failing construction company, doing coke with your boss, resigned to what might happen.
- Realizing this small-town life is more real than anything experienced in Brooklyn, San Francisco, or Chicago.
- Sitting at the local bar with Erica doing coke and taking shots, feeling like a winner for one hour.
- Coming down from the drugs at night, thinking about Cliff and your fat former nemesis as your only friend.
- Denny's pancakes are fluffy and hot tomorrow morning—that's the message for confused comedians about their next steps.
- 2 min
Threatening to Suicide-Bomb Just for Laughs Festival
#Tim jokes that the rescheduled Just for Laughs festival won't happen, and if it somehow does, he'll blow it up as a suicide bomber to prove his prediction right, while also refusing to wear a mask in Beverly Hills.
5moments
- Tim jokes he'll suicide-bomb Just For Laughs Festival if it actually happens in October.
- He describes walking onstage at the new face showcase, pulling the pin, and telling the audience they're going home either to Syracuse or to see Jesus.
- Tim insists he only speaks the truth and isn't here to pad anyone.
- He refuses to wear a mask at Beverly Hills, claiming he has a beautiful European facial structure worth showing off.
- Tim argues that despite not being able to work, fraternize, or leave homes, the government cannot compel him to wear a mask.
Laughs comedy festival
- 1 min
Tim reads off current global and US coronavirus case, death, and recovery statistics as of early April.
2moments
- Tim reads the global coronavirus case total at 1 million
- He questions what "recovered" means in the official count — whether it just means people got better
- 1 min
Jared Kushner Handling the Pandemic
#He mocks Jared Kushner's lack of qualifications to manage pandemic response given his background in real estate evictions, and predicts rural America is unprepared for the coming toll.
3moments
- Tim jokes that Jared Kushner's experience evicting people qualifies him to handle the pandemic and evict people from life itself.
- Even die-hard Trump supporters don't love Jared and Ivanka, especially the fact that they're globalists from Goldman Sachs rather than isolationists.
- Tim argues that if Trump wins again, voters deserve whatever happens next.
- 4 min
Trump, Biden, and the Case for National Healthcare
#Tim criticizes both Trump's handling of the pandemic and Biden as a candidate, argues he never trusted any politician, and makes a case for something like Bernie Sanders-style national healthcare given surprise medical bills during a pandemic.
7moments
- Tim dismisses Biden as a bad candidate but argues Trump's demeanor during the pandemic is inappropriate, citing his bragging about press conference ratings while doctors and nurses die.
- National healthcare seems necessary given the pandemic, and the current system producing $30,000 ventilator bills is clearly not working.
- Tim warns against dismissing Bernie Sanders supporters as Marxists while acknowledging the absurdity of some online left-wing rhetoric about landlords.
- Millions of uninsured laid-off workers won't seek medical care out of fear of debt, guaranteeing disease spread during a pandemic.
- Rich people historically understood that excessive wealth inequality leads to violence and instability, a lesson they've apparently forgotten.
- A laid-off worker hospitalized for three months faces a $30,000 bill and a $1,200 government check—the math of a system destined to fail.
- Tim tells armed listeners fantasizing about violent upheaval that they'll be too drunk to find their weapons when the time comes.
Donald TrumpJoe BidenBernie SandersBarack ObamaBuffalo Wild Wings
- 1 min
Fat Pigs with Guns Who Can't Fight
#He mocks self-styled tough-guy libertarians who talk about freedom and weapons but still live with their mothers, tying it to a lack of compassion for others during the crisis.
3moments
- All the tough guys are doing Facebook Live from their mom's house.
- Tim criticizes people who lack compassion for anyone but themselves.
- Tim jokingly claims to have run Iran and be friends with the mullahs because that's why he started comedy.
- 4 min
Oscar the Cat's Extremist Past and Iran Deaths
#Tim jokes about his cat Oscar's supposed history as a radical cleric and member of various extremist groups, then criticizes gendered-crisis media narratives and rich people pretending the virus makes everyone equal.
6moments
- Tim's cat Oscar lived in Iran and was a radical Muslim cleric in various extremist groups including Proud Boys and neo-Nazis.
- Articles framing the crisis as gendered miss the real issue of class inequality and people facing homelessness through no fault of their own.
- Rich people quarantining in mansions aren't the same as those worrying about being thrown on the street without ability to pay for care.
- The fences around wealthy communities in LA are climbable; the rich will eventually build bigger ones with private water aquifers in Montana.
- Tim admits he's normally against health care workers and nurses but forced to support them now, and buys them lunch as the only thing he can do.
- While waiting for the predicted mass arrest of wealthy pedophiles, people with money should order penne alla vodka for nurses who might save their lives on ventilators.
- 5 min
QAnon, Tom Hanks, and the Satanic Pedophile Cult Theory
#Tim walks through the QAnon storm theory about a mass internet blackout, arrests of celebrities like Tom Hanks, and a global reveal of a satanic pedophile cult, expressing skepticism while acknowledging real child abuse exists among the powerful, and challenging believers to abandon the theory if it doesn't happen.
9moments
- Tim acknowledges if QAnon's accusations about celebrities being pedophiles turned out to be true, he'd admit he was wrong and wear a Q shirt for the rest of his life.
- Imagining how a newscaster would announce that the world is run by a satanic pedophile cult after shutting down the internet and arresting Tom Hanks.
- Tim's concern isn't whether pedophiles exist or are powerful, but the insistence that they're specifically satanic, and questions why people ignore pedophilia in other religions like Catholicism and Methodism.
- Experts who've actually investigated child trafficking rings, including Nick Bryant who wrote about the Franklin scandal, don't believe the QAnon theory or that Trump is rescuing children.
- Tim promises to apologize if the QAnon prediction comes true, but challenges believers to let it go if it doesn't instead of moving goalposts.
- The logical inconsistency of believers citing 500,000 sealed indictments when a satanic pedophile cult running the world wouldn't need legal procedure or indictments to be stopped.
- Tim points out the U.S. throws Arab detainees in Guantanamo Bay without trial but supposedly will read Tom Hanks his rights if caught harvesting adrenochrome from murdered children.
- The QAnon theory takes true facts—that the world is run by sick people who abuse and murder children—and builds an elaborate false narrative that promises immediate justice tomorrow.
- Tim identifies as receptive to conspiracy theories but believes that QAnon's specific prediction of imminent justice delivery is unlikely to happen.
- 3 min
Tim reads the Ridge Wallet ad, contrasting its sleek hygienic design with a nostalgic memory of his father's overstuffed leather wallet full of business cards from failed deals.
5moments
- Tim pitches Ridge wallet as a solution to give to everyone who isn't a pedophile.
- His father's sad Boomer wallet: a massive leather thing stuffed with business cards and cash that fell out everywhere.
- Ridge is sleek and sexy and can be sprayed with Lysol and hand sanitizer, making it one of the most hygienic wallets available.
- Tim argues that carrying less stuff means fewer surfaces for viruses to live on, so a minimalist wallet is actually doing good during a pandemic.
- Your job is gone, you can't go anywhere, your friends are taken, but the only thing left is your mind—and you need to protect your mental dexterity.
- 2 min
Tim reads and reacts to a Kissinger Wall Street Journal piece about the pandemic altering world order, connecting it to how much medicine and pharmaceutical supply is manufactured in China.
5moments
- Kissinger writes about pandemic altering world order, calling for global cooperation to defeat pandemics.
- Tim argues the real problem is having everything manufactured in other countries to avoid paying workers.
- The percentage of pharmaceuticals made in China is jarring—blood pressure medication, Alzheimer's drugs, Parkinson's, epilepsy, depression meds, ibuprofen.
- So much of over-the-counter and serious medications that people need are made in China; outsourcing everything creates disaster if supply chains break down.
- US-China economic and security review commission held a hearing on America's growing reliance on Chinese pharmaceutical products: 97% of all antibiotics come from China.
- 1 min
He cites the US-China Economic and Security Review Commission hearing on America's dangerous reliance on China for pharmaceuticals, warning this dependence could be weaponized.
3moments
- China controls 97 percent of global antibiotic supply, making the U.S. vulnerable to weaponization of medicine dependence.
- Tim argues globalization is a financial system that primarily benefits the wealthy while decimating workers and domestic industries.
- Essential products manufactured in countries with lowest labor costs become a critical problem when supply chains break down.
- 3 min
Kissinger's Globalism vs. Real Workers
#Tim critiques Kissinger's call for global collaborative solutions as elitist and disconnected from ordinary workers, and blames both Trump and the media for pointless fights over what to call the virus instead of addressing testing failures.
4moments
- Kissinger writes that leaders must adopt a global collaborative vision, but Tim notes such visions typically exclude anyone making under ten million dollars a year.
- Tim argues the left mishandled Trump's "Chinese virus" rhetoric by writing angry think pieces instead of pressing him on why tests weren't available.
- If you're old and smart enough, you realize political solutions won't work and can only hope science produces someone smarter than the people currently tasked with solving the crisis.
- Tim expresses skepticism about figures like Jared Kushner being equipped to solve the pandemic.
- 1 min
Giant Coronavirus Rats and Asking Friends for Money
#Tim jokes about a fake study on rats growing six feet long from coronavirus, then riffs on asking distressed friends for cash when they ask how he's holding up.
4moments
- A study from China documents rats infected with coronavirus growing to six feet long and eating dogs
- Tim explains the pattern of friends calling to ask how you're holding up, then immediately requesting money
- Tim plugs the Patreon, promising that episodes feature genuine effort and have a different vibe than the main show
- Tim recalls driving his dad's car while high on cocaine until he crashed it into a grandmother's vehicle
- 1 min
Patreon Plug and Driving Through the Pandemic Wasteland
#He mentions the Patreon episodes and reminisces about loving to drive, including a dark anecdote about a car accident, before describing driving through empty pandemic streets past the shuttered Comedy Store.
2moments
- Tim describes the freedom of driving with nowhere to go during the pandemic, cruising through the cultural wasteland.
- The Comedy Store marquee displaying only "stay healthy" with no performer names—a sign that belongs in an apocalyptic film.
- 2 min
Closing Riff: We're Living in a Movie, Going Home
#Tim closes with a philosophical riff about uncertainty, randomness, and mortality during the pandemic, tying back into his earlier fantasy about comedians moving home to Cliff, Denny's, and Erica the bartender before signing off.
3moments
- We're living in a movie and don't know how long we'll be in it, filled with uncertainty and concocting stories to make sense of existence.
- Tim argues you have to prepare yourself to die because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow, and that's what existence really is about.
- The way to prepare for the end is to move back with religious parents, befriend your high school arch nemesis, hang out at Denny's, and spiral into drugs and infidelity.