Episode 189 · The Ben Avery Era
#189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show
Mar 1, 2020 · 1:06:12 · 261,000 views · 22 segments, 134 moments indexed
Tim talks Corona Virus, getting even with a friend, and Miss Hillary's new podcast.
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- 4 min
Coronavirus Should Wipe Out Society
#Tim says he's fully in support of a coronavirus pandemic hitting the country, imagining everyone locked in their homes becoming podcasters and cam performers as the economy and society collapse into livestreaming darkness.
10moments
- Tim advocates for a full-scale coronavirus pandemic to empty streets and malls, forcing people into their homes.
- He envisions society collapsing into a world where everyone becomes either a podcaster or cam performer.
- Tim describes the ideal end of America: everyone locked inside broadcasting on green screens while delivery drones bring supplies.
- He imagines spending the rest of civilization theorizing about who caused the pandemic from home.
- Lockdown means no more pop-up experiences, no vacations to Iceland or igloos—just staying inside.
- Tim predicts the only income available will be from livestreams, Patreon subscriptions, and super chats once self-driving cars arrive.
- Reality is annoying now with traffic and weather; shutting it down and blacking out the windows is the solution.
- He dismisses the fantasy of visiting national parks and hiking, calling nature fake and annoying.
- Tim claims they knew coronavirus was coming and already built a studio setup funded by Cash App sponsorship.
- He closes by saying none of it will matter soon because everything will burn and graves will cover the earth.
COVID-19podcastingAmazonCash AppAudible
- 2 min
Best Case vs Worst Case Pandemic Scenarios
#He riffs on lockdowns, travel bans, civil unrest, and compares the unfolding pandemic to Stephen King's The Stand, which his father showed him as a child and predicted would come true.
6moments
- Tim worries the media is hyping up the pandemic and it might just be a flu affecting only immunocompromised people.
- His best-case scenario: lockdowns, travel bans, school closings, and civil unrest within two to three months, escalating into chaos like Stephen King's The Stand.
- Tim recalls his father showing him The Stand miniseries as a child and predicting it would happen, which he found exciting.
- He admits getting excited whenever a new pandemic threat emerges—SARS, avian flu, swine flu—but they always turn out to be nothing.
- Tim clarifies he doesn't want people to die, only wants them trapped indoors integrated into darkness rather than going outside.
- He argues he needs listeners alive, but the real enemy is outside where diseases are.
- 1 min
Fallon, Corden, and Home Studio Broadcasts
#He imagines late night hosts doing their shows from their mansions during lockdown, and everyone eventually broadcasting from their kitchen tables, emaciated and hallucinating, as a form of entertainment.
4moments
- Fallon and Corden can broadcast from their massive estates, doing their bits from home during lockdown.
- Tim imagines a future where everyone has a show, broadcasting from their kitchen table eating cereal at a green screen.
- The hosts descend into physical and mental collapse—unwashed, malnourished, hallucinating, screaming into the void on air.
- Tim argues that watching someone genuinely deteriorate on camera is entertaining television.
- 2 min
Bagging Hypebeasts and Cruise Ship Passengers
#He fantasizes about Chinese-style pandemic checkpoints bagging sneakerheads on Melrose, then launches into a rant about fat boomers on cruise ships treating impoverished islands like a theme park.
4moments
- Tim proposes replacing The Tonight Show with a schizophrenic person who gets progressively more insane each day
- Tim imagines Chinese checkpoint quarantine tactics applied to hypebeast sneaker stores on Melrose, bagging up kids waiting for Supreme drops
- Cruise ships define the fat boomer generation—floating toilets where privileged people gorge themselves then visit impoverished islands to buy fake jewelry
- Tim notes the absurdity of boats with 60 chefs pulling up to third-world countries with one witch doctor, then jokes about cruise passengers being quarantined
- 2 min
His Aunt's Concern and Patreon Pitch
#He addresses callers worried about the pandemic ending his stand-up career, jokes about silver linings like the stock market, and pitches the Patreon while mocking open mic flyers that say 'support live comedy.'
7moments
- Tim's aunt calls worried the pandemic means he can't do stand-up and has to do his podcast from home instead.
- He describes the horror of only communicating with fans through his podcast without having to see or touch them.
- Tim finds silver linings in the crisis: the stock market losing money is fun since he's not invested anyway.
- He pitches his Patreon—people should stop consuming everything for free and support the work he's doing there.
- Comedy shows in the backs of bars feature delusional psychopaths who should be taken out in the street and shot.
- Flyers for those shows say 'support live comedy' and 'support local artists,' which Tim finds absurd since people don't actually support them.
- There's nothing to support at those shows—they deserve to fail.
- 2 min
Bombing Comics and Long Island Bar Shows
#He describes doing open mics in Long Island dive bars full of people trying to drink their lives away, and mocks comedians who say bombing doesn't matter because they're 'living their dream.'
4moments
- Tim describes performing in Long Island bars where drunk regulars were trying to throw their lives away, creating a tug of war between his desire to ruin his life and theirs.
- Bar owners built their business model around open mic comedy nights while their regular customers just wanted to drink and disassociate.
- Tim condemns comedians bombing in bars who claim they're living their dream, saying if nobody's listening to you, your dream is shitty and doesn't deserve respect.
- Aspiring comics at pool tables performing to seven people based on encouragement from a coworker in a cubicle have nothing to say until the pandemic forces them to livestream for money.
- 3 min
Ordering Cheesecake Factory Quesadillas
#Tim explains why he orders quesadillas from the Cheesecake Factory instead of authentic LA Mexican food, detours into a story about El Farolito in San Francisco next to public defecation, then teases a Twitter thread about the Cheesecake Factory's aesthetic.
5moments
- Cheesecake Factory makes better quesadillas than most of the authentic Mexican food in Los Angeles, which he describes as sometimes being dog food.
- El Farolito in San Francisco's Mission District has the best steak quesadilla in the United States, and you can eat it while watching people destroy themselves on the street outside.
- Tim mentions a great Twitter thread about the aesthetic of the Cheesecake Factory and tries to get the producer to find it.
- He complains that you have to look the producer directly in the eyes and speak in unbroken English to get him to search for something, unlike Joe Rogan's assistant who would have already found it.
- Tim was being deliberately mysterious about wanting a thread on the Cheesecake Factory's looks, then acts offended that the producer didn't immediately know what he meant.
- 3 min
The Cheesecake Factory Aesthetic Thread
#Ben struggles to find and read a viral Twitter thread describing the Cheesecake Factory's bizarre maximalist architecture, comparing it to Fry's Electronics and ancient Egyptian and Roman design.
6moments
- Tim refused to do show prep because he hates the process
- Someone posted about sitting in the Cheesecake Factory and contemplating how different cultures develop around the globe
- The Cheesecake Factory is the most American restaurant in the country, more emblematic of American failure than McDonald's
- The Cheesecake Factory grew from a Los Angeles bakery, then in 1992 hired designer Ric McCormack and everything went off the rails with Victorian, Egyptian, and Rococo aesthetics
- The interior is aesthetic chaos: a mix between Fry's Electronics, an overgrown Panera, and a laser tag arena
- The design features pseudo-Egyptian faces, hybrid palm frond lotus blossom designs, and pseudo hieroglyphics—unchecked white exoticism and Orientalism with a huge budget
Cheesecake FactoryRic McCormack
- 3 min
Noses, Highborn Faces, and Jews Running the World
#Tim discusses his own 'European facial structure,' argues that certain nose shapes signal class origin, and riffs on his friend Michael's 'lowborn' bent nose versus Jewish noses.
8moments
- Tim describes the surreal experience of eating at Cheesecake Factory with its massive columns and Xena Warrior Princess set design.
- The Cheesecake Factory's herb crusted salmon and mashed potatoes—injected with sugar, fat, and butter—rank among its few decent dishes.
- An anti-condiment movement is gaining traction, with people claiming it's white trash to like ketchup and mayonnaise.
- Tim discusses facial structure, distinguishing between highborn European features and lowborn faces, using his own childhood appearance as an example.
- Tim claims highborn people don't inherently make better people, but "inherently and biologically" they do.
- Michael has the classic lowborn bent nose with a hook—the working-class mark of someone who screams nobody.
- A big nose on a Jew signals someone with their shit together, whereas a bent working-class nose identifies factory workers and slobs.
- Michael rejects condiments entirely—no ketchup, no mayonnaise—which Tim dismisses as ridiculous.
Cheesecake FactoryLong IslandXena Warrior PrincessMichaelTexas
- 3 min
The Condiment Feud with Michael
#He defends mayonnaise against accusations of being white trash, then pivots into the saga of his friend Michael bailing on driving him to the airport.
4moments
- Mayonnaise is an enhancement, not a sandwich component, but Americans are fat slobs who've applied it in excessive amounts to everything.
- Michael offered to pick Tim up from the airport, then called at 7:30 AM—half an hour before the agreed 8:00 AM time—to cancel.
- Tim fantasized about revenge: desecrating Michael's mother's grave, or paying people to impersonate her calling his father from hell.
- Tim considered hiring people to call Michael's father, pretending to be his deceased mother, in the middle of the night.
Mayo
- 7 min
Revenge Fantasies Against Michael
#Tim spirals through increasingly deranged revenge schemes against his friend Michael for not driving him to the airport, including desecrating his dead mother's grave, prank calls impersonating her ghost, getting his pregnant girlfriend deported, and blocking his dog on Instagram.
11moments
- Tim's revenge fantasy: having someone call his estranged friend's father impersonating his dead mother claiming to be in hell.
- He blocked his friend's dog on Instagram to prevent contact through it.
- Tim mocks his friend's weed business as boring and a front for being a drug dealer.
- Tim fantasizes about convincing his friend's pregnant girlfriend to commit a crime so she gets deported.
- He's decided to start speaking to Michael again on a limited basis to see if he can earn the friendship back.
- Tim on reconciliation: you either cut someone off or you have to go big with revenge.
- He expresses hope that people traveling during the pandemic get infected on beaches.
- Despite the grievances, Michael has been one of his best friends and lent him money when he wasn't doing well.
- Tim considers defacing Michael's mother's grave but thinks it might be too much and illegal.
- He contemplated paying women to falsely accuse Michael of rape but decided against it.
- Michael still has Tim's AirPods, which renews his motivation to deface the grave by writing "Trump 2020" on it.
- 2 min
Comedy Store Set Filling in for Iliza
#Tim recaps filling in for Iliza Shlesinger at the Comedy Store, noting the culture shock for her fanbase, and briefly addresses the Pete Davidson/Louis C.K. beef by refusing to take sides.
5moments
- Tim filled in for Iliza Shlesinger at the Comedy Store in LA and notes their different fan bases showed up.
- The audience was fun and engaged, though some women chatted during his set because they came to see her.
- Tim met Iliza once and says their meeting wasn't memorable or great, but declines to air out details.
- On Pete Davidson and Louis C.K. drama: Tim says he won't get involved since they're both millionaires and he isn't.
- His position is to stay out of it and ask them to buy him a doughnut instead.
Pete DavidsonAlicia LessingLouis C.K.
- 4 min
Hillary and Bill Clinton's Political Magic
#Tim discusses his complicated admiration for the Clintons, praising Bill's political charisma and salesmanship while noting Hillary lacked that magnetic quality despite her own toughness and dealmaking skill.
4moments
- Hillary Clinton is starting a podcast, and Tim respects her as a historical figure despite her husband's issues.
- Bill Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar and brilliant political mind, able to make single mothers feel he cared when he didn't.
- Some people have a magical quality—Tim has met a few, like Quadarro Carmichael, who make you feel like the only person they're talking to.
- Hillary Clinton didn't have that star power or infectious quality her husband possessed, but she's a great deal maker and behind-the-scenes operator.
Hillary ClintonBill ClintonCuadrado CarmichaelMichael JacksonWoody Allen
- 3 min
Clinton, Mena Arkansas, and Carroll Quigley
#He details Bill Clinton's mentor Carroll Quigley and the Tragedy and Hope book, then covers the Mena, Arkansas cocaine-trafficking conspiracy theory and the deaths of Kevin Ives and Don Henry.
6moments
- Clinton's mentor was Carroll Quigley, who wrote 'Tragedy and Hope,' an epic history covering the eastern establishment and the Anglo-American Empire.
- Tim claims that during Clinton's governorship of Arkansas, the CIA was flying planes full of cocaine into Mena and dropping it into inner cities to fund the Contras.
- Two teenagers, Kevin Ives and Don Henry, witnessed something at a secret airfield near a Mena drop zone and were later found dead on train tracks after supposedly falling asleep while smoking marijuana.
- Tim notes he's smoked a lot of weed but has never fallen asleep on train tracks, questioning the official story.
- Clinton's position as Arkansas governor during the Mena cocaine operations established his bona fides within the establishment.
- Clinton was then elected president twice and defeated George H.W. Bush, who Tim has covered extensively on the show.
Friend of the showBill ClintonGeorge H. W. BushCarroll QuigleyDon HenryKevin IvesMena, ArkansasTragedy and Hope+1 more
- 2 min
Tim reacts to news that Hillary Clinton is starting a podcast, sarcastically listing her alleged past misdeeds (Vince Foster, Epstein ties, dark money) as evidence of her fall to podcasting.
3moments
- The Clintons were trash compared to the deeper power networks that actually run things behind the scenes.
- Hillary is starting a podcast.
- Tim catalogs Hillary's fall from the world stage: murdering Vince Foster, arranging suicides of Secret Service people, laundering dark money through the Clinton Global Initiative and Epstein connections, down to reading ads for a teeth-whitening product.
- 1 min
Watching CPAC coverage, Tim theorizes that young men obsessed with political conferences (left or right) are closeted homosexuals working out repression through debate.
5moments
- Tim watched CPAC and wants to make a claim about the attendees.
- Young people actively involved in politics—whether at CPAC in khakis or at DSA meetings in Brooklyn—are closeted homosexuals.
- Groups of men debating each other in hotel rooms are really just looking to have sex with each other.
- The amount of sexual activity happening at CPAC right now involves people receiving oral sex after listening to Kimberly Guilfoyle.
- Tim notes the grifters and con artists present at CPAC, referencing Guilfoyle as an example.
- 4 min
He traces Kimberly Guilfoyle's path from Gavin Newsom's wife to Fox News to Donald Trump Jr., calling her a con artist, then pivots to mocking billionaires like Mike Bloomberg and Tom Steyer in the Democratic primary.
8moments
- Kimberly Guilfoyle married Gavin Newsom, then dated Donald Trump Jr., with Fox News as the pit stop between them.
- Tim describes an alternate version of her in Tampa getting involved with a failed real estate developer doing coke on a waterfront property.
- Political conferences are full of grifters spouting empty talking points about socialism being bad.
- The Republican Party has become a clown car of grifters, liars, and thieves with nothing substantive to say, unlike older neocons who at least wrote books.
- Democrats are no better: the CIA sends in billionaires like Mike Bloomberg, who has less charisma than Moammar Qaddafi, to steal elections.
- Tom Steyer, a billionaire, dances on stage performing rap with Juvenile instead of addressing real policy.
- Bored billionaires perform with rappers at CPAC while politicians obsess over tax policy and personal feuds.
- Republicans manufacture outrage over drag queens in libraries that may not actually exist, chasing phantom threats.
Mercedes SchlappDonald Trump JrGavin NewsomMike BloombergBill KristolTom SteyerFox NewsMoammar Qaddafi
- 2 min
Drag Queens in Libraries and Manufactured Outrage
#Tim questions why drag queen story hours are treated as a national epidemic, arguing it's a distraction from real economic problems like stagnant wages and healthcare costs.
4moments
- Tim finds drag queens reading in libraries forced and weird, with suggestive dances that trigger his natural aversion.
- Portraying drag queens in libraries as a national epidemic is manufactured outrage masking real economic failure.
- Washington gridlock, suppressed interest rates, and wage stagnation create genuine rage that gets redirected at drag queens and Colin Kaepernick instead.
- The real problem is people blame Colin Kaepernick and library drag queens for personal bankruptcy caused by medical debt.
- 5 min
Greta Thunberg, Child Activists, and CPAC Attendees' Looks
#He criticizes both parties for using teenagers like Greta Thunberg and David Hogg as political mouthpieces, jokes about her being manipulated, and mocks CPAC attendees' appearance and the Gaylord Hotel venue.
9moments
- Tim argues it's barbaric for Democrats to throw a seventeen-year-old girl like Greta Thunberg into the ring with Donald Trump and says he doesn't want to be lectured to by children.
- The German anti-Greta climate activist describes herself as a climate realist and has denied making anti-semitic remarks.
- Going to a political conference requires being a certain type of loser standing in a ballroom listening to speeches, whether it's CPAC or DSA people in Brooklyn.
- Tim ridicules attendees showing up to the Gaylord hotel in Dallas, calling it a trashy hotel and describing its fake riverwalk.
- San Antonio's Riverwalk is full of 450-pound people scooting down the river eating churros they don't share with the emaciated birds below.
- Tim declined interview requests from outlets like the Daily Caller and 'Love It or Leave It' because he already interviews himself for hours.
- The young kids at CPAC aren't bad, just stupid because they're young and don't realize that nothing they do matters.
- Tim announces plans for a real convention—a sales convention in Arizona at a Marriott for young entrepreneurs interested in his company, Joules by Podcaster Tim Dillon.
- CPAC's message boils down to getting the last of earth's resources and having fun doing it.
Greta ThunbergCPACDan CrenshawDavid HoggNaomi SeibtDonald TrumpSan Antonio RiverwalkThe Daily Caller+2 more
- 3 min
CPAC's Empty Thesis and Republican Grifters
#Tim mocks the incoherent messaging at CPAC, comparing it unfavorably to a real sales convention, and notes many attendees who bullied gay kids in high school are now police officers.
7moments
- Tim questions what the thesis statement of the Republican movement even is anymore.
- Every bully from high school is now a police officer with a gun, and everyone pretends it's coincidence.
- Tim notes he's criticizing conservatives for their conference just as he would criticize liberals for theirs.
- Liberal conferences could require nine nametags listing pronouns, distance requirements, and medication information.
- Tim says he'd end a friendship with someone who wanted to attend a political convention to hear speakers like Kimberly Guilfoyle.
- There's probably a lot of gay sex happening at CPAC, with the Grindr app going crazy.
- Tim's straight friends sound incoherent compared to the articulate gay men at these events.
Colin KaepernickCPACKimberly GuilfoyleRuPaulMarsha Blackburn
- 5 min
CPAC Gay Sex Speculation and Real Sacrifice
#He continues riffing that CPAC is full of closeted gay hookups via Grindr, contrasts college debate kids with people who actually 'do the work' like murder and blackmail, and argues young activists on both sides don't understand real power.
11moments
- Far-left activists on SSRIs who can't have sex, just hold each other and cry together while rubbing genitals until they get warm.
- Tim tells people under 25 to stop attending CPAC and actually live their lives instead of listening to speeches at the Gaylord hotel.
- Young people don't understand the real cost of power—they've never read about what the Bushes and Clintons actually did to get there.
- Getting on a CPAC stage and calling yourself a leader is fraud if you haven't killed people, run blackmail operations, or overthrown governments.
- Young comics complaining about not getting famous enough don't understand what you actually have to do to succeed.
- Hillary Clinton is a real murderer, unlike cheap knockoffs like Kimberly Guilfoyle pretending to be tough at CPAC.
- Millennial snowflakes whining about student loans don't grasp the dungeons, blood, narco-trafficking, and torture required to run the country.
- Even after all the murder, torture, and maiming, you still end up thrown in the street and forced to start a podcast.
- Tim welcomes Hillary Clinton to podcasting, where everyone reads ads and tries to get listeners to buy Ridge wallet.
- Powerful people were jet-setting and arranging executions, but now they're three years away from doing Skank Fest with everyone else.
- Those people in the comedy community open their arms to the formerly powerful and welcome them in.
Billie EilishHillary ClintonBill ClintonGreta ThunbergKimberly Guilfoyle
- 1 min
Welcoming Hillary to the Podcast Circuit
#Tim closes by sarcastically welcoming Hillary Clinton to podcasting, comparing her fall from global power broker to reading ads for Manscaped alongside him and other small podcasters.
3moments
- Hillary's new fanbase: goodbye global finance and intelligence intrigue, hello manscaped podcast listeners.
- Tim invites Hillary to start her own podcast solo, without a co-host, and build a podcasting empire since that's the only economy left.
- Tim welcomes Hillary Clinton as a colleague and wishes her luck in broadcasting.