Episode 160 · The Porch Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car
Aug 11, 2019 · 1:18:05 · 565,000 views · 26 segments, 168 moments indexed
Tim broadcasts from a bed in San Diego this week. He wants to smoke a rock with Marianne Williamson, offers a second look at OJ, and talks one of the great mythological figures in life, the fat girl with the very clean car.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Timmy the Trashcan Jingle
#An opening musical jingle bit performed as "Timmy the Trashcan," begging listeners to throw their trash in him rather than the floor.
2moments
- Tim performs the "Timmy the Trashcan" jingle, a character who loves eating trash and asks people to give him their garbage instead of littering.
- Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
- 3 min
San Diego: Hot, Dumb, and Ready for the Apocalypse
#Tim and Dave Ross discuss performing in San Diego, riffing on the attractive but not-too-bright crowds, comparing them to LA's pretentious pseudo-intellectuals, and imagining San Diego as the calmest place to experience the apocalypse.
7moments
- Tim describes San Diego as a city of attractive but slightly stupid people, though the comedy club crowds have been sharp enough to get the jokes.
- A friend argues that working out and being healthy is a different kind of intelligence, but Tim counters that it doesn't help when people don't understand his jokes.
- David Costa reveals he didn't like performing in San Diego because audiences wanted crowd work about getting drunk rather than substantial comedy.
- Tim appreciates that San Diego lacks the pseudo-intellectual pretend artists found in other cities—just military and athletic people living their lives.
- Real bar fights and people beating each other like animals is part of what makes San Diego the ideal place to experience the apocalypse.
- In New York and LA, people will die during the apocalypse still arguing that they're right, but San Diego will face the end differently.
- San Diego residents look like extreme people—the kind who seem ready for anything, very attractive and wild.
San DiegoAmerican comedy companyDavid Costa
- 2 min
Seal Cove and Fat Americans Feeling Better
#Tim describes visiting Seal Cove in San Diego, joking that tourists go there to feel thinner next to sea lions, and riffs on drunk girls getting bitten while taking selfies with the animals.
5moments
- San Diego has a beach full of seals and sea lions where fat Americans go to feel better about their own weight.
- Sea lions carry their weight better than Americans and usually look much better-looking, which is just a fact.
- When a 2,000-pound sea lion stands next to an obese American, you'd need a hippopotamus or rhinoceros to make the person look small by comparison.
- College girls from La Jolla supposedly run down to the beach at night to cradle and pet the sea lions for Instagram pictures.
- Every now and then a seal or sea lion takes a bite out of a girl's arm while she's trying to get a selfie.
- 2 min
Cutting Off a Friend Going Insane
#Tim talks about ending a friendship with someone showing signs of losing touch with reality, including a bizarre story about a friend with no job wanting a "sit-in assistant."
8moments
- Some people say something very funny, but the moment cameras go on they completely lose it.
- Tim has seen comedians kill at shows but bomb when it actually matters, like Conan or JFL.
- Tim ended a friendship recently with somebody he could see going insane.
- A friend with no job said they needed a personal assistant, which is a sign someone's about to lose their mind.
- The same person asked if Ben, Tim's producer, could schedule furniture deliveries—despite not having a job or doing anything.
- People losing touch with reality are like someone dipping their toe into outer space and deciding they like floating without gravity.
- To live in that detached state, you need to surround yourself with a team of yes-men who won't question anything.
- Unfortunately, this person had to go from Tim's life.
- 1 min
Rich People Who Haven't Accepted They're Rich
#Tim describes the archetype of guilty rich people who overcompensate by trying to seem like intelligent revolutionaries while still loving sneakers and fashion.
4moments
- Rich people who haven't accepted their wealth are an archetype that needs to be caught in a riptide.
- The problem: someone guilty about privilege who tries to become an artist or intellectual, making every interaction insufferable with their need to feel smart.
- Tim describes the type who claims revolutionary thinking but also loves expensive sneakers—constantly battling their two contradictory personality traits.
- Tim asks if you've ever torched a friendship and don't regret losing them, but regret how you did it.
wealthy people who lack self-awareness about their privilegeprivileged people trying to appear intelligent or artistic
- 2 min
Honesty as an Attack in LA
#Tim discusses torching friendships by being too honest, and how in a city full of mentally ill people, reality-based statements get perceived as attacks.
5moments
- In Los Angeles, honesty is often recognized as an attack, especially when worded like one.
- Being an honest person is revolutionary in a city where many people are mentally ill and insane.
- Suggesting a reality-based solution gets you called a dick; people hate you for puncturing their bubble of insanity.
- Tim regrets things he said and connects letting stuff build up to what happened with OJ Simpson.
- Tim begins to ask why OJ is relevant to the pattern of unaddressed issues.
- 6 min
OJ Simpson's Remarkable Life
#Tim goes on an extended riff about OJ Simpson living an extraordinary, envy-inducing life despite the murders, comparing him to Donald Trump and Cardi B as people who've "experienced everything."
10moments
- OJ Simpson posts on Twitter about looking good, playing golf, and offering analysis on Democratic debates.
- Tim lays out OJ's trajectory: star running back, movie star, then probably a murderer who got away with it.
- OJ ended up in jail for stealing his own memorabilia back from someone selling it, and is now free playing golf.
- Tim argues OJ Simpson has experienced everything—the highs, the lows, and nearly decapitated someone he was angry at.
- Most people suppress their rage at work because they fear getting fired, but OJ made a different choice.
- Tim speculates the murders probably felt really good in the moment, then immediately acknowledges the dark nature of that statement.
- Looking at OJ's full life arc without focusing on any single part, he could say on his deathbed he's done it all.
- Comparison to Donald Trump's similarly extraordinary life: billionaire, businessman, courted fame, eventually became President.
- Tim proposes a museum of great lives—not moral lives, but lives where you look and go 'that's awesome,' featuring Trump, OJ Simpson, and Cardi B.
- Cardi B went from stripper drugging men in Miami to having a number one song—another wild life worth examining.
O.J. SimpsonCardi BDonald TrumpNicole Brown SimpsonRon Goldman
- 2 min
Jeffrey Epstein and the CIA's Convenient Ignorance
#Tim mocks the idea that intelligence agencies had no idea what Epstein was doing despite compromising powerful people worldwide, contrasting it with amateur internet sleuths who figured it out.
6moments
- Tim launches into Epstein's life: international sex trafficking ring, multiple properties, connections to wealthy and famous people.
- The question of whether Epstein worked for the CIA or Mossad—nobody knows for sure.
- Tim mocks the theory that the CIA would tolerate Epstein as a spy, citing an Observer article that treats his intel work as plausible.
- If Epstein was compromising high-level US politicians while working with Mossad, how could the CIA genuinely have no idea what he was doing?
- Tim contrasts the intelligence apparatus's claimed ignorance with random people on Reddit who figured it out—which is more stupid to believe?
- People jump through hoops to convince themselves that US intelligence agencies aren't participating in this kind of thing because it conflicts with the myth of their heroism.
- 4 min
Cancel Your Family, Not Celebrities
#Tim argues that real toughness is cutting off family and close friends who don't serve you rather than canceling strangers online, tying it to a broader pitch for radical individualism.
8moments
- Cancel your father instead of celebrities—it's harder to cancel someone you love.
- You need people in your life who love you but are also willing to serve you.
- Tim opposes socialism because he looks at people and thinks many of them shouldn't be on Earth at all.
- Radical individualism means your social circle will shrink if you actually say what you think.
- If you say controversial things—like why you can't fuck your cousin—the invitations dry up.
- Find a partner or one or two friends, then get away from society and stop attending work cocktails.
- Everything is collective now, but people are just pretending—they don't actually care about others.
- People post about health care on Twitter while their parents rot in homes and they ignore their siblings.
- 3 min
Fake Collective Caring and Angry Sugar Withdrawal
#Tim riffs on people performing concern for others online while neglecting real relationships, then veers into his own sugar addiction and violent revenge fantasies while eating cake.
7moments
- Tim argues that getting out and saying corporations shouldn't control us is empowering and liberating.
- Kids given nutritious meals still go hungry because they're addicted to sugar and junk food like Fun Dip and ketchup milkshakes.
- Michelle Obama's attempt to get kids to eat healthy caused a literal riot.
- Tim describes his own sugar withdrawal: headaches, irrational anger, and imagining horrible things happening to people he hasn't seen in years.
- A slice of flourless chocolate cake makes him feel like he's not a bad guy after spending time imagining people dying in various ways.
- When detoxing from sugar and working out, you have to increase your levels of compassion.
- Getting fit and caring about yourself makes you angry at people who aren't taking care of themselves, creating resentment about their lack of discipline.
- 3 min
Fit People Are Dicks, and Crack House Loyalty
#Tim discusses how getting in shape makes people judgmental of others' discipline, and uses an extended metaphor about a sober guy still visiting his old crack house friends to explain cutting off people who won't change.
9moments
- Fit people are dicks because they're right about fitness.
- Tim hates the entire process of changing clothes, sweating, showering, and changing back.
- You have to become addicted to exercise, needing it like brushing your teeth.
- Tim fears losing weight will give him cancer because his body won't know what's happening.
- Changing your behavior is one of the hardest things in the world.
- When you get sober from drugs, you can't keep hanging out at the crack house with your old friends.
- A sober guy at the crack house drinking milk, trying to get the crackheads to go to a movie instead.
- You have to kick out the people who aren't changing with you, even though it's uncomfortable.
- Most people can't rise to a better level of society through talent alone—they have to use other methods.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for BlueChew framed as advice to sleep your way into a better socioeconomic class since talent won't get you there.
3moments
- BlueChew is a chewable with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, faster-acting and cheaper than the pills.
- Tim argues that fucking your way into a better life is the path forward for most people — maybe you land a girl with a house outside Cleveland, or inherit a barn in upstate New York.
- You could end up with someone whose grandmother dies and leaves her a Mitsubishi Galant, and you two live in it and smoke glass — the point is to sling your dick with confidence and see where it takes you.
- 2 min
Marianne Williamson, the Weed Mom with Spirit Guides
#Tim compares Marianne Williamson to the archetype of a mom who lets you smoke pot in her house while talking about ghosts and dark psychic forces.
4moments
- Marianne Williamson archetype: the mom who lets you smoke pot in her house but corners you to tell you about a ghost she dated for a summer.
- She sells weed while talking about her spirit guides, and when having a bad day she's just screaming at seagulls on a beach.
- Tim argues that spirituality comes with real darkness, and he'd like to see Williamson lose it and start cursing people out.
- Despite the archetype, Williamson is genuinely interesting to watch.
- 5 min
Dark Psychic Forces vs. Real Policy Problems
#Tim critiques Williamson's mystical framing of politics as childish given complex problems like automation, while comparing her rhetoric to a drunk Upper East Side liberal from a Woody Allen movie.
10moments
- Tim imagines an astrology-based foreign policy where the president gives everyone a month off if Mercury isn't retrograde.
- Rich white people who've never set foot on planet Earth are fun to be around because they have no idea what they're talking about.
- Goldie Hawn's character in Everybody Says I Love You gives a speech to the NYPD about prisoners designing their own cells with European decorators.
- Marianne Williamson's framework of dark psychic forces is a childish, Lord of the Rings approach to real problems.
- The actual challenge is figuring out what to do with sixty percent of the workforce that will become irrelevant soon, not battling psychic forces.
- Williamson was right that policy wonks aren't the whole answer, but wrong to blame dark psychic forces instead of engaging real complexity.
- Tim compares Williamson to a drunk woman at a party ranting about racism and the dark psychic force while her husband begs her to eat something.
- People prefer fun figures like Trump and Williamson over people with actual solutions because they find them entertaining.
- Whatever comes next won't be human, so this is humanity's last dance and we might as well bring in the clowns.
- Tim hopes Williamson wins so the Oval Office becomes a séance with everyone waving Harry Potter wands.
Marianne WilliamsonGoldie HawnBernie SandersElizabeth WarrenWoody Allen
- 4 min
Racism, Bigotry, and Poached Eggs
#Tim continues riffing on the wealthy white progressive archetype, doing a bit where Williamson-type figures scream about racism and bigotry while abusing household staff, and defends wanting OJ Simpson on his show.
9moments
- White privileged women with good drugs who care about everybody except people in their yard or home
- Racism and bigotry: two poached eggs, please
- Woman's observation that what happened in Flint wouldn't happen in her neighborhood
- Tim questions whether it's helpful when people blame half the country for being demons
- Everyone now finds meaning only through combat and beating someone else, not through individualism
- When everything becomes political, you end up with totalitarianism and the state's boot on your neck
- Every movie review and album becomes message-driven political content, creepy like North Korea
- Tim plans to smoke crack while watching Marion Barry and OJ Simpson instead of consuming empty political messages
- Female comics angry about OJ being on the show only care that he killed his wife, not about Ron Goldman
- 2 min
Bombing in Edinburgh and British vs. American Comedy
#Tim jokes about American comics bombing at the Edinburgh Fringe and contrasts British theater-based comedy traditions with America's carnival and Mafia-lounge origins.
5moments
- Tim supports comedians taking their acts to other countries and bombing for 30 days straight in the Scottish Highlands, spending tons of money with no venue support.
- The people doing this are usually those who bombed in New York and LA and think performing on the Scottish moor will change everything.
- British comedy is structured around one-man shows with story arcs and infrastructure, not just stand-up jokes.
- British comedy has its basis in theatre, while American comedy comes from circus tents, depression-era carnivals, and Mafia-owned lounges.
- Stand-up comedy was kind of invented by the Mafia as another thing to put in while people were drinking.
- 2 min
Glasgow Stand-Up Etiquette and Rugged Individualist Instagrams
#Tim describes the drink-free, attentive audience culture at The Stand in Glasgow versus rowdy American crowds, then admires listeners who live solitary, self-reliant lives based on their sparse Instagram photos.
8moments
- Tim describes Glasgow venue etiquette: no drink service during shows, multiple intermissions, and audiences getting hammered at the bar between acts.
- Tim performs in San Diego and heckles audience members talking about their cocktails instead of watching him.
- Americans would panic if forced to sit quietly with drinks and watch a show without service interruptions, treating it as freedom lost.
- People need constant reassurance that food will arrive or they'll have a panic attack; blood sugar stability drives the demand for constant waiter attention.
- Tim says he follows listeners on Instagram and deeply respects the ones with sparse profiles: just a cat photo and a picture of themselves in the woods with a gun.
- Other followers post large friend groups and vacation photos, which Tim sees through as performative; he prefers the solitary rugged individualist aesthetic.
- The ideal Instagram account has three photos: an animated cat, a man with a gun in the woods, and a caption reading simply 'I'm ready.'
- Tim speculates the man is just waiting in the woods with his gun, ready for something unspecified.
- 3 min
A sponsor read for Wix website builder that turns into Tim viciously mocking the low intelligence of everyone he's worked with in the industry, including his producer Ben.
4moments
- Tim describes his producers as brain-dead crack addicts, noting that if they could build a website with Wix, anyone can.
- He characterizes everyone he's worked with in the business as Mongoloids and dead-eyed retards subsisting on paint chips and Flint water.
- Tim messaged comedians offering to promote their projects on the show, but says none of them followed up with interest.
- He reiterates that he still has three minutes available for anyone willing to contact him about upgrading their premium Wix plans.
- 4 min
Neocons, Endless War, and Trading with Saudi Arabia
#Tim explains how neocon/neoliberal war profiteers push endless conflict under Trump via figures like John Bolton, and contrasts America's coziness with Saudi Arabia against demonization of Putin.
7moments
- Tim on neocons and John Bolton pushing for conflict with Iran after Trump's election.
- After Bush left office, neocons infiltrated the CIA and Defense Department to push eternal conflict.
- War profiteers justify endless intervention by believing America must solve every global problem.
- Post-Soviet Union neocon ideology: America as sole superpower has responsibility to impose its law globally.
- That "law" really means protecting American trade routes, markets, and multinational corporation profits.
- We tolerate Saudi Arabia's human rights abuses—beheading gay people, chopping hands off—because we're making money with them.
- Prince Bandar eats barbecue with the Bushes while we demonize Putin, purely because of trade interests.
John BoltonSaudi ArabiaAmerican foreign policyneoconservatismJohn BrennanPrince BandarJared KushnerVladimir Putin
- 2 min
Teaching Kids to Be Popular
#Tim announces a planned episode teaching unpopular kids a checklist for popularity, arguing high school status determines life far more than the movies suggest.
5moments
- Good-looking and stupid is the best combination because you don't know what you don't know.
- Tim announces an upcoming episode teaching kids how to be popular to prevent school shootings and improv troupe recruitment.
- High school matters for everything; college is a lie, and losers in high school mostly stay losers their entire lives.
- Nerds and losers write all the fantasy stories about ugly girls getting hot and falling in love with gun instructors.
- Being popular is about not giving a fuck what people think while also caring what they think—it requires understanding paradox.
- 5 min
Homecoming King and the Importance of Not Being a Dick
#Tim recounts his own high school popularity arc and argues popularity matters more than honor, while explaining why he tells people uncomfortable truths about their careers instead of coddling them.
10moments
- Tim was nominated for homecoming king at Holy Trinity in Hicksville, Long Island, and learned popularity is the most important thing on earth.
- Having people like you matters more than honor or character; if everyone hates you, history will just call you a pedophile regardless of your actual virtue.
- Don't be a dick when things are going badly after being decent when they were going well—people see through the sudden gratitude and humility.
- Tim respects people who are consistent pieces of shit all the time rather than nice only when they're drowning.
- He's nice to people, but people think he isn't because he won't tolerate their mental illness or coddle them with false encouragement.
- When someone asked if he thought they were on the right track in comedy, Tim said no—they had no social media presence, no podcast, nothing going.
- The person's face showed they expected him to lie like everyone else does, but Tim views honesty about their lack of progress as actually being nice.
- Being honest is saving someone time; Tim wouldn't volunteer criticism unprompted, but when asked directly, he tells people the reality.
- People's inability to take hard criticism is why they don't progress; you have to be able to swallow feedback and move to the next level.
- A lot of criticism won't be valid, but if you're trying to get somewhere, you take it anyway and that's okay.
Billy JoelHicksvilleHoly TrinityLong IslandVillage Green
- 6 min
A long, surreal sponsor read for Monday.com that spirals into a dark narrative about a struggling businessman drinking secretly, pushing his wife, and being feared by his son.
10moments
- Many people selling HGH in Applebee's parking lots need business managerial tools like Monday.com.
- Tim admits he's been reading the Monday.com ad for minutes and still has no idea what it actually does.
- Monday.com is software that helps with collaboration and communication in a corporate space full of waste and mumbo-jumbo.
- With Monday.com you become a real businessman, maybe running a business from your house with a hidden bottle of liquor.
- Tim describes a businessman who pushed his wife away in the kitchen after she doubted him, and why he needs Monday.com.
- A son who fears his father, won't speak to him, and spends time in his room looking at unknown internet content.
- The businessman sits in his back room masturbating to torture porn while doing business because he's a businessman.
- At the Country Club, he tells his old college friends from Bank of America that he went solo day trading and they thought he was crazy.
- Tim describes sitting drunk in a back room watching the market, feeling a pulse through his body that could be ALS.
- If he got a death sentence diagnosis it would be freeing because he could finally do all the drugs he's been missing.
- 6 min
The Fat Girl With the Clean Car
#An extended character study of a specific archetype: the heavy-set girl who compulsively keeps her car spotless and never seen eating, contrasted with the messy hot friend, ending in Tim mourning whether this archetype still exists.
10moments
- Tim imagines smoking crack with Marianne Williamson and describes the confidence of a white suburban girl on cocaine driving a Honda Civic.
- The archetype of the fat girl with a very clean car: can't control her eating, so she keeps her environment immaculate instead.
- Tim describes the paradox—the car smells beautiful and looks pristine, but you know there must have been food in it because of how she looks.
- Even a shitty little car owned by this type of girl is beautiful and immaculate, with everything organized in its proper place.
- This mythological beast exists and drives around Long Island and New Jersey, always giving everyone rides while existing in her own world.
- Contrast: the hot girl with the disgusting car, full of empty perfume bottles, crack vials, dogs, cats, and monopoly pieces.
- At the end of the night she drops you off, gives a quick kiss, and she's always funny and personable but not overboard—never seeking approval.
- Her fat was a specific type: hard fat, like magic shell on a dessert, with goodness hidden inside but completely hidden from view.
- She barely spoke, would go to the beach with hot girls, and answer with minimal responses like "yeah really" before driving away in her beautiful car.
- Tim wonders what happens to the fat girl with the clean car now that fat has become mainstream and everyone's made to feel good about their bodies.
- 3 min
Tim explains the recording setup at the Andaz San Diego hotel due to a wedding, then runs through upcoming tour dates and plugs Dave Ross's YouTube, podcast, and social media.
6moments
- Tim explains they're recording from a hotel bed at the Andaz in San Francisco because a wedding is happening upstairs.
- Tour dates announced: North Carolina August 22nd to 24th, fall shows back east; Tim directs fans to his website and social media.
- Tim compares himself to Uncle Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, saying Joe is the best character in the film.
- Tim criticizes Willy Wonka's message that everything is about luck rather than effort.
- He questions why the factory initially didn't want to let Charlie in, discussing Grandpa Joe's role in pushing his way inside.
- Tim calls the candy factory concept stupid and expresses interest in doing a Willy Wonka bit.
Willy WonkaGrandpa JoeCharlie Bucket
- 1 min
Willy Wonka's Bad Message About Luck
#Tim critiques Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for teaching kids that success is about luck rather than hustling, and jokes about Charlie being unqualified to run the factory versus selling it to a corporation.
3moments
- Wonka's factory gift to Charlie is bad business advice—a white trash kid with no chocolate industry knowledge should sell the brand to a corporation instead of running it into the ground.
- The movie promotes the false idea that success is about luck when it's really about doing whatever you can get away with.
- Tim's philosophy: if you see someone hit them with a stick and keep going—cheat on your taxes, cheat on your wife, because you live once.
- 1 min
Closing Bit: OJ's Innocent Eyes
#Tim closes with a bit about a fan hugging him after a show insisting OJ Simpson is innocent, and Tim comparing it to someone earnestly wondering if Hitler was misunderstood.
3moments
- Tim questions what you're supposed to see in OJ's eyes — innocence or guilt?
- Someone at his show hugged him and insisted Michael Jackson was innocent, and Tim agreed with them.
- Tim jokes about whispering to people who claim someone is innocent: 'Hey, don't tell anybody.'