Episode 156 · The Porch Era
156 - Some Of Our Faves
Jul 14, 2019 · 1:17:29 · 283,000 views · 22 segments, 142 moments indexed
Live from the porch once again! Tim rants about Epstein, thot comics, and sings some tunes for the fans.
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- 1 min
Show open with music and applause before talk begins.
- 3 min
Pelosi's Daughter and 'Some of Our Faves' Will Be Implicated
#Tim riffs on a quote attributed to Pelosi's daughter about famous people being implicated in the Epstein scandal, joking about people compartmentalizing loved 'faves' who commit horrific crimes, plus a bit about Trump kicking Epstein out of Mar-a-Lago.
9moments
- Pelosi's daughter said some of their famous friends will be implicated in Epstein trafficking.
- Tim notes it's more understandable coming from her since she's gay and a documentary filmmaker.
- The phrasing 'some of our faves' should come with a sarcastic emoji like 'Yas Queen.'
- Tim jokes they can't forget the good times with their faves, like SNL skits about them, before revealing their crimes.
- A Gilmore Girls reunion where Lorelai tells Rory some of their loved ones are raping and torturing children but they still shared good memories together.
- Trump kicked Epstein out of Mar-a-Lago because he was hitting on young girls and it was bad for business.
- Tim expresses concern for the Clintons and just wants them to ride off into the sunset with no drama.
- Tim jokes he wants Hillary to win the primary again, have Bill pardon Epstein, and fly away on a private jet.
- Bill Clinton's publicist issued a statement today, which is what innocent people do.
Jeffrey EpsteinBill ClintonDonald TrumpHillary ClintonChristine PelosiNancy PelosiMar-a-LagoGilmore Girls
- 5 min
Tim reads and mocks Bill Clinton's official denial statement about his flights on Epstein's plane, riffing on the absurdity of a former president needing to clarify he was never on the island.
9moments
- Tim drafts what Clinton's statement should say: he only flies terrible airlines, books last minute, gets off at connecting cities, sits in middle seats.
- Clinton's actual statement claims he took four trips on Epstein's plane for Clinton Foundation work in Europe, Asia, and Africa.
- Tim questions why Clinton needed Epstein's plane specifically when other planes go to Africa and Asia, notes it's called the Lolita Express.
- Statement says Secret Service detail traveled on every leg—Tim suggests they were probably there as part of the problem, not protection.
- Clinton claims he never visited Epstein's private island, his New Mexico property, or his Florida residence.
- Tim observes that an ex-president needing to publicly deny ever visiting a pedophile's island is inherently suspicious behavior.
- The statement explicitly addresses that Epstein was assaulting children while Clinton used the plane for Foundation work.
- Tim's summary: Bill was on the plane four times, Epstein was on the plane, they were assaulting kids, but Clinton needed a ride to Asia so he just took a Xanax and slept through it.
- Conversation shifts to Billie Eilish, with Tim noting he didn't realize making certain observations about her was considered offensive.
- 4 min
Defending the Billie Eilish/Harvey Weinstein Joke Getting Pulled from Instagram
#Tim explains and mock-apologizes for a joke he made comparing Billie Eilish to a Weinstein victim that got removed from Instagram, contrasting it with the platform allowing violent livestreams, and rants about 'thot comedy' culture.
8moments
- Tim breaks down the Harvey Weinstein joke setup and how he didn't know Billie Eilish was a minor when he made the comment.
- The punchline compared her appearance to someone Weinstein kept in a cage, followed by a tag that fell flat.
- Tim argues the Weinstein setup was funnier than the tag, violating the rule that tags must be better than the setup.
- Instagram removes the joke within 24 hours while allowing people to livestream suicides and terrorism on the platform.
- The Christchurch shooter livestreamed a terrorist attack on Facebook, but Instagram takes down a comedy bit because it mentioned a minor.
- Tim suggests Instagram's decision to remove the joke makes them look pro-Weinstein, as if protecting a billionaire predator.
- Modern Instagram comedy is just empty-headed people making duck faces and thirst traps, not actual comedy.
- Instagram would rather the platform be full of fitness trainers, recipe content, and shallow selfies than real comedy.
Harvey WeinsteinFacebookInstagramBillie EilishChristchurch shooter
- 1 min
The 700-Pound Uber Driver
#A story about sharing an Uber with an extremely overweight driver, leading into a riff on the 'fat acceptance' movement.
3moments
- Tim describes taking an Uber with a 700-pound driver whose fat spilled from the front seat into the back.
- He explains he's losing weight because fatness has become a proud identity movement he doesn't want to join.
- Tim notes that people used to be ashamed on the beach, but now walk around confidently as part of the cool fat movement.
- 5 min
The End of Humanity, The NeverEnding Story, and 'The Nothing'
#Tim spirals into an existential riff about the end of the human era and posthumanism, then does an extended breakdown of the plot of The NeverEnding Story as a metaphor for despair, including the turtle's 'we don't care' line.
8moments
- Tim on the end of humanity: the posthuman era where phones will be implanted in your body within ten years.
- An ex-president denying ever visiting the pedophile island—something Trump would actually say.
- Tim predicts the eventual revelation that Alex Jones was right about Sandy Hook, ending with him getting the Medal of Freedom.
- Instagram fitness models just take pictures of themselves putting their breasts in front of French toast all day.
- There's a clawing feeling inside each person—something eating away at the part of you that believes in love and a better world.
- The Nothing from The NeverEnding Story: not a big evil character, just the absence of good eating away at everything.
- Tim quotes the turtle Orla: 'We don't care whether or not we care'—the answer to every question.
- The Nothing is eating you and there's nothing you can really do about it.
Alex JonesDonald TrumpThe NeverEnding StoryAtreyuSandy HookBill Clinton
- 3 min
A BetterHelp sponsor read woven through more NeverEnding Story plot summary and jokes about Falkor the luck dragon.
3moments
- Tim doesn't remember the ending of The NeverEnding Story or whether the Nothing actually won.
- The Luck Dragon, described as a big white dog, helped defeat the Nothing, though Tim questions how a dumb puppet solved the problem.
- Tim's pitch: you don't have a Luck Dragon to fight the Nothing, but you do have BetterHelp online counseling.
- 2 min
Tim finishes summarizing the ending of The NeverEnding Story (Bastian, Falkor, the bullies) before closing out the BetterHelp read.
4moments
- Tim summarizes the NeverEnding Story ending: the Empress tells Bastian he can restore Fantasia through his imagination, he flies on Falkor and recreates the world, reunites Atreyu with his horse, and brings Falkor into the real world to chase off bullies.
- Tim acknowledges the movie isn't the Godfather but finds the Nothing a fitting metaphor for meaninglessness.
- He likes the NeverEnding Story and would want Orange County to have something like the acid river—shiny, deadly, and very metal.
- Better Help sponsorship outro and goodbye.
- 3 min
Uncle Stan, the Racist, Restaurant-Banned Gay Family Friend
#Tim describes his 83-year-old unofficial 'Uncle Stan,' a sassy, offensive antiques dealer banned from restaurants, leading into a riff about trashy people who eat out constantly.
5moments
- Uncle Stan, an 83-year-old gay family friend who inserted himself into Tim's childhood and has been banned from numerous restaurants.
- Stan gets banned for speaking fake Spanish, making sexual comments to restaurant staff, and making racist generalizations about their ethnicities.
- Tim describes Stan threatening hosts with the Better Business Bureau and demanding quick seating while insulting them as a diabetic.
- Tim argues he has no interest in people who don't cause trouble in restaurants, saying they're not his people.
- Tim's mother never cooked and ate out for every meal, which Tim identifies as a trait of trash people with money.
Uncle StanJack Nicholson
- 5 min
Mom's Restaurant Interrogations and the Death of the Diner
#An extended story about his mother berating waitresses over undercooked french fries and demanding free meals, expanding into a rant about respecting old-school diner culture versus the fake trendiness of a place like Swingers.
9moments
- Tim's mother would interrogate waitresses about her order, turning complaints into courtroom depositions.
- When French fries weren't lightly cooked, she'd ask the waitress if she thought the chef was in the right line of work.
- A waitress once mentioned the chef's wife had cancer, and Tim's mother responded by demanding the meal be free.
- Five Easy Pieces broke the barrier for treating waiters poorly, though some waiters and waitresses deserve it.
- The waitresses at Swingers diner in West Hollywood look like thirteen-year-old girls who were kicked off an Epstein plane.
- Tim argues diner culture requires actual diner people, not cool people—these diners are people's homes.
- His mother would sit in diners for hours to avoid going home to her loveless marriage, so waitresses should treat her accordingly.
- Swingers is a fake 50s diner with staff that performs rather than serves, making it feel like a segregation-era novelty act.
- The real competence problem with 1950s diner waitresses was that Epstein gave incompetent ones a boot to the face.
- 5 min
Marriott Courtyard, Bistro To Go, and Faking Paraplegia for Room Service
#A rant about the decline of hotel quality, the death of real room service in favor of 'Bistro to go,' and a story about lying about being a paraplegic to force a hotel to deliver food to his room.
10moments
- Tim stayed at the Marriott Courtyard and explains why Marriott hotels used to be the gold standard because they were run by clean, disciplined Mormons.
- The Marriott used to have a nice breakfast buffet that Tim went to on Sundays with his mother.
- Instead of real restaurants and room service, Marriott now has Bistro to Go—a glorified Starbucks partnership where preheated food arrives in a box like you're in a border detention center.
- Tim on what he actually wants in a hotel: a real restaurant, a nice buffet, and an angry efficient Asian woman chef making omelets—not a glorified Starbucks.
- Tim ordered room service at a hotel and they said to pick it up at the desk, not bring it to his room.
- Tim screamed into the phone that he was a paraplegic to force the hotel to bring room service to his room.
- When room service arrived, Tim opened the door, made eye contact with the delivery person, grabbed the food, said "now what I'm cured," and shut the door.
- Tim ties hotel service demands to demanding conviction of child rapists as part of standing up for service and pride.
- Marriott Courtyard on a road trip didn't have free coffee in the lobby—just a Starbucks where you have to pay.
- Starbucks has invaded everything, including hospital ERs with drive-throughs.
StarbucksMarriotthotel room serviceMormonsHoliday Inn
- 8 min
Fantasy Epstein Trial Cross-Examination Bit
#An extended improvised bit imagining a defense attorney cross-examining an Epstein victim named 'Jessica' in a courtroom, mocking victim-blaming rhetoric and defense tactics.
12moments
- Defense attorney begins cross-examining a witness, asking her to recount her knowledge of the defendant.
- Tim as lawyer questions Jessica about the free plane ride to a private island on Epstein's dime.
- He challenges her to justify complaining about the trip by comparing it to commercial travel: 'Have you ever sat middle seat on a Spirit Airlines flight?'
- Tim pivots to attacking the credibility of the victim by invoking President Clinton's economic record during the 1990s boom.
- He comments on the jury composition, suggesting poor people who've never been to an island won't sympathize with someone who was.
- Tim explains why this bit can only exist on the podcast, not social media, due to algorithmic suppression and being on some kind of list.
- Conversation turns to industry nervousness about what Tim says on air and whether guests feel uncomfortable with his material.
- Tim describes a meeting with producers about getting desk videos on network television, noting Comedy Central and TBS might be possible venues.
- He observes society's misplaced priorities: terrified of speech and jokes but indifferent to actual harmful actions and violence.
- Tim recalls a bartender named Lou at the Helm with no nose from cocaine use, making a point about how appearance affects how the world perceives you.
- He critiques inspirational Instagram fitness culture for sending uninformed, overweight people into the world believing they're intelligent and informed.
- Tim accuses people jumping on the Epstein story of being late to the conversation and not knowing what actually happened.
Alan DershowitzJeffrey EpsteinBill ClintonGeoffreyAdam SandlerLuis GomezNick Mullen
- 6 min
Imagining Which Names Come Up Next in the Epstein Case
#Tim speculates about which celebrities might be implicated in the Epstein case, riffs on Gayle King interviewing rapists, and does a bit imagining someone explaining away visiting the island as a Boys and Girls Club charity event.
9moments
- Tim does a Gayle King impression trying to get rape details from accused celebrities.
- Woody Allen will probably come up next in Epstein case disclosures; they lived near each other.
- Tim wants certain people he dislikes implicated so they have to explain why they were on the island.
- Tim imagines defendants claiming they thought the children being hunted was a Boys and Girls Club sponsorship program.
- He defends making jokes about Epstein because 'we're living in hell' and everyone involved should be jailed.
- No chance Bill Clinton wasn't having sex with underage girls on Epstein's plane, Tim argues.
- Clinton and Trump family members are crime families who get away with crimes; many are child rapists and murderers.
- Tim doubts the Epstein case will spark a real conversation about who these powerful people actually are.
- Concern that finding out about very young children will make upcoming revelations much worse.
Bill ClintonJeffrey EpsteinHillary ClintonWoody AllenDonald TrumpGayle King
- 3 min
Russ Baker's 'Family of Secrets' and How Power Really Works
#Tim discusses a conversation with author Russ Baker about the corrupt, blackmail-based reality behind political power, contrasting it with the naive 'I'm Just a Bill' civics lesson.
5moments
- Russ Baker describes writing Family of Secrets as having the profundity of theology, a religious experience that made sense of questions about how power actually operates.
- Tim explains how politicians are blackmailed, indebted to billionaires and power brokers, and use covered-up criminal acts to leverage influence.
- The civics lesson 'I'm Just a Bill' from Schoolhouse Rock presents an innocent view of how legislation passes, nothing like reality.
- Tim rewrites the Schoolhouse Rock song: a senator is blackmailed with a hotel photo of him with a kid, forced to start wars or face exposure.
- Politicians written in blood, JFK assassination, Michael Hastings driving through a tree — Tim's version of how bills actually get made.
Russ BakerMichael HastingsSchool of RockKennedy assassination
- 3 min
AOC Fantasy Confession Bit and Garbage Disposal Video
#A bit imagining AOC giving a viral confession about seducing and using Epstein's billionaire associates as a political weapon, followed by a jab at her garbage disposal video.
6moments
- Tim fantasizes about AOC confessing on video to seducing old wealthy men and stealing their wallets to give to the poor.
- He imagines her describing sexual details while reading Marx and infiltrating billionaire circles as a form of political warfare.
- Tim references a viral video of AOC appearing confused about how a garbage disposal works.
- Tim speculates one of Epstein's victims will come forward defending him, Stockholm Syndrome style, claiming he was kind and provided good breakfasts.
- He dismisses Bill Clinton's connection to Epstein as minimal—four flights on a plane and one small meeting in Harlem in 2002 about farm subsidies.
- Tim predicts that in twenty years there will be a pro-pedophile podcast.
Alexandria Ocasio-CortezAlan DershowitzJeffrey EpsteinBill Clinton
- 9 min
A long, heavily improvised Wix sponsor read framed around the idea that he, Trump, and Cardi B are 'special' people with websites, spinning into elaborate fake customer testimonials for a wedding DJ, a hairstylist, and a child acting coach.
10moments
- Tim argues that he was promised to be special and lucky as a child, but most people aren't special and are just wasting resources.
- Tim, Cardi B, and Donald Trump are united because they're all magnetic, funny, and New Yorkers with websites.
- To become like Tim Dillon, Cardi B, or Donald Trump, you need to build a website using Wix.
- Adults want to read testimonials about your services before giving you money—stop only relying on Instagram and TikTok.
- Example testimonial from Brenda in Bay Shore about a DJ, including her divorce and basement living situation while supporting Trump.
- Even a child acting coach needs a testimonial confirming they didn't do creepy things to students.
- Testimonial example from a mother about Jackie at Mirage salon in Massapequa, whose daughter now wants to sweep hair there instead of going to college.
- Wix has drag-and-drop design and AI assistance, which Jackie the stylist used after getting drunk and punching her Mac.
- 150 million people have built websites with Wix, though Tim questions whether that statistic matters.
- Tim closes by saying only special people like him, Donald Trump, and Cardi B have websites and were chosen by Christ to lead humanity.
- 3 min
Louis C.K.'s 'Perfect Bit' and Epstein's Prison Odds
#Tim mocks the idea that a comedian's 'perfect bit' can fix societal problems, then speculates darkly about Epstein's legal options and whether powerful people want him killed to protect their legacies.
8moments
- Tim notes every news story for two years has somehow circled back to Epstein, making it impossible to stop discussing.
- Conspiracy theorists claim everyone's a pedophile, and then the news keeps proving them right.
- Comedy loyalists believed Louis C.K. would return with a perfect bit that would make everything okay.
- Tim argues that even great bits won't undo past harm, though he'd be amazed if one could.
- If Epstein took a plea deal, he'd get nine months instead of forty-five years, but he can't run because it wouldn't help anyway.
- Tim mocks the idea that Hillary Clinton is in Palm Beach with a crossbow trying to have Epstein killed in prison.
- Epstein's stated position: his legacy could be locking up Black people for no reason and raping women of appropriate age.
- Tim describes Epstein's mother in Hawaii as completely plugged into conspiracy theories—Sandy Hook denial, inside jobs, actor names.
- 4 min
Stranger Things Should Have Been About AIDS and Crack, Not Nostalgia
#A riff imagining a grittier, more realistic version of Stranger Things dealing with the real 1980s of AIDS and crack addiction instead of nostalgic mall culture, with an extended bit reimagining Winona Ryder's character as a crack addict.
9moments
- Tim dismisses Stranger Things and the endless 80s nostalgia it represents.
- The 80s were actually AIDS and crack for most people, not malls and carnivals.
- Tim pitches a Stranger Things episode where Winona Ryder smokes crack and ignores the alien threat entirely.
- The show should feature the savings and loan scandal with Winona Ryder smoking crack in a car they're living in.
- Hopper has AIDS from being a leather daddy doing intravenous drugs.
- A real nostalgic show would be about crack and AIDS with good music, not aliens.
- Winona Ryder's character mom joins the Dallas Buyers Club as her crack addiction worsens and she runs out of money.
- Stranger Things should have been a 90-minute movie instead of multiple bloated seasons.
- Tim admits he doesn't understand what the upside down actually is or how it connects to real phenomena like the Montauk Project.
Stranger ThingsJeffrey EpsteinWinona RyderCamp HeroDallas Buyers ClubBloomingdale'sMontauk
- 1 min
Doing Coke With His Substitute Teacher
#A quick personal anecdote about a substitute teacher who used to do cocaine and come to class hungover.
2moments
- Tim used to do coke with his substitute teacher, a real Italian woman who would show up the next day looking like a raccoon with circles under her eyes after partying with her husband.
- The substitute teacher would put on a video, sit in the back while still coming down from the drugs, and Tim says she was a good woman he misses.
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Proud to Live in a Country Run by Satanic Pedophiles
#A closing rant tying together the episode's themes, mocking patriotism in light of the Epstein revelations, capped by a mock Fourth of July anthem bit about Clinton's denials.
6moments
- Tim wraps up the show, noting the audience enjoys it because the hosts are careful and cautious.
- Tim says he's proud to live in a country run by satanic pedophiles, black magic wizards, corrupt oligarchs, and literal demons.
- An ex-president celebrated the Fourth of July and then denied being on the pedophile island days later.
- The denial includes claims of only being on the plane four times and having a quick meeting in Harlem.
- The president insists his crimes against children were not involved with Clinton Foundation work and claims his accuser enjoyed it.
- F-15s fly over the Super Bowl as Tim signs off and announces upcoming tour dates.
- 2 min
Tim lists upcoming tour dates across multiple cities and announces the show's new Patreon with archives and tiered content.
4moments
- Tim announces tour dates across multiple cities through August: Cleveland, San Diego, Nashville, Charlotte, Huntsville, and Hoover.
- Followers should connect on Instagram and Twitter, with Tim noting they're being shadow-banned but are now independent.
- Patreon tier structure: first tier gets one episode weekly, second tier includes archives plus weekly episodes, third tier offers longer videos, email correspondence, topic suggestions, and potential interview appearances.
- Tim describes the move as exciting and promises the content will be "off the chain" and wild.
- 1 min
Tim briefly chats with Devin Cásta about his podcast and social media before mentioning a bonus Epstein episode with Nick Mullen and closing the show.
3moments
- Tim introduces Devin Cásta and describes him as looking very small, like a child.
- Tim acknowledges the podcast contains crazy content but argues it's actually fine compared to actual horrible acts.
- Tim mentions he and Nick Mullen recorded a half-hour podcast about Epstein that was hilarious.
Nick MullinDevinJeffrey Epstein