Episode 91 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Prove It, You Dumb Fuck!
Apr 10, 2018 · 1:17:23 · 24 segments, 164 moments indexed
- 1 min
Tim opens the show welcoming listeners, noting the Tuesday night 7pm East Village taping.
1moment
- 0:15Tim opens the show Tuesday night at 7pm from the East Village in New York City
- 8 min
Touring Gyms With His Roommate Alan
#Tim describes touring gyms with roommate Alan looking for a place with a pool, riffing on gym business models built around members who never show up, Planet Fitness culture, pizza nights, grunt alarms, juice-head gyms like Synergy, and the elite New York Athletic Club versus commercial chains.
15moments
- 0:35Tim toured gyms today with his roommate Alan, noting that fat guys being demanding about gym tours is hilarious.
- 1:22Tim and Alan want a gym with a pool so they can get a discount by joining together and meet people.
- 1:43One gym's pool has only three lanes with two elderly people dying in them, and they restrict pool time to exactly one hour.
- 2:08The gym posted a rule on the wall: go over an hour in the pool and they revoke your membership.
- 2:29Gyms are designed to sign up as many people as possible but actually want no-shows because the place would be unusable if everyone showed up.
- 3:01Pools are a finite resource that people might actually use, so gyms enforce strict time limits to prevent that.
- 4:05Tim tried to cancel his gym membership but discovered they only allow cancellations within 14 days before the next billing cycle.
- 4:47The image of a fat guy walking around Queens gyms demanding an Olympic-sized pool when they're just converted cell phone stores is absurd.
- 6:10Tim was paying 50 dollars a month at LA Fitness but it closes at peak hours—7 p.m. on weekends—because actual gym-goers don't use it then.
- 6:57These gyms aren't made for people like Tim and Alan who will never actually go; they're demanding hours as an excuse for not working out.
- 7:24Planet Fitness charges ten dollars a month and hosts pizza night, creating an environment where no one actually works out.
- 7:45Planet Fitness has a lunk alarm that shames people for grunting too loud instead of pushing themselves.
- 8:19Tim says Planet Fitness's logo should be 'Workout Stay Fat' because it's designed to make fat people comfortable around other fat people.
- 8:35The real problem is that fat people won't go to gyms where healthy people work out because they feel threatened by non-fat people.
- 8:45Having an identity where you can't be around healthy people because you feel insecure is a bad fucking way to exist as a human.
Planet FitnessAsphalt GreenLA FitnessAlan
- 3 min
Racquetball Fantasies and Shitting Himself
#Tim riffs on the idea of playing racquetball like a Gordon Gekko finance bro versus the reality of Nassau Community College, spiraling into a bit about shitting himself mid-deal and having a baby during a match.
9moments
- 9:01Tim describes walking into a locker room, seeing himself in the mirror, and accepting that he looks gross all the time anyway.
- 9:15The gym culture at his friend's old membership was roided-out fighters and drug deals in the parking lot.
- 9:42Discussing gym membership price points—one with a shitty pool costs $400 a year, or about $35-40 a month.
- 9:59Asphalt Green membership is $139 a month and includes an Olympic-sized pool and fitness center facing the East River.
- 10:22New York Athletic Club is invitation-only and requires committee approval, while New York Sports Club is commercial.
- 10:41High-end finance companies often throw in a New York Athletic Club membership as a job benefit.
- 10:52Tim says he loves racquetball and the business of it, imagining guys playing racquetball in a fancy setting.
- 11:17Tim references sweating, being fat, and creating shit streaks while stinking up the gym during racquetball.
- 11:43Clarifying that he was juicing it up—people imagine him shitting himself and bleeding to death, or having a baby while playing racquetball and not closing the deal.
New York Athletic ClubNew York Sports ClubAsphalt Greenracquetball
- 6 min
The Crazy Ukrainian Landlord and the Pergo Floor Scheme
#Tim describes his and Alan's plan to install fake Pergo laminate flooring instead of paying for real renovations, and details the ongoing feud with their erratic, drunk Ukrainian landlady, including a wild voicemail she left and a physical altercation Alan reported to police.
9moments
- 12:06Tim and his roommate want to renovate their apartment but fear their Ukrainian landlord will raise rent if she contributes any money.
- 12:36Instead of spending three grand to sand and refinish the wood floor, Tim proposes installing Pergo—fake laminate flooring that snaps together and can be removed when they leave.
- 13:27A friend in Levittown claimed putting in a Pergo floor cost $400 but raised his house value by $80,000, a calculation Tim finds nonsensical.
- 14:04The landlord is drunk most of the time and convinced she's being robbed, even though Tim and his roommate have offered to pay for all renovations themselves.
- 14:23Alan had a police confrontation with the landlord; he claims she attacked him, she claims he hit her, and the tape is unclear about who made contact first.
- 15:08The landlord called Tim while he was in LA to complain that Alan's car is loud and scares her cat, leaving a voicemail telling him he has a very good deal.
- 16:01Tim explains why landlords in New York are struggling: if they invest in upgrades like new kitchens and bathrooms, tenants paying under-market rent will demand rent increases or see new luxury buildings with doormen and fitness centers as alternatives.
- 16:44Tim describes the building as a slum, but the problem isn't living in a slum—it's that the landlord doesn't realize she owns a slum and claims it's the best area in Queens.
- 17:13The landlord inherited multiple multi-million-dollar buildings and now lives three blocks away; everyone on the block inherited property and became millionaires, driving around in Benzes and Range Rovers while doing nothing.
- 3 min
NYC Real Estate: Gentrification and the Outer Boroughs
#Tim and Ray discuss rising property values in Queens, Astoria, and Brooklyn, why young people are fleeing overpriced Manhattan for more "authentic" outer boroughs, and how the landlady's slum building sits on inflated inherited equity.
6moments
- 17:56Outer boroughs like Long Island City and Astoria show no signs of price depression as Manhattan becomes too congested and overbuilt.
- 18:34Young professionals with decent incomes prefer outer boroughs to Manhattan because they can't afford Tribeca and find Astoria more charming.
- 18:58Williamsburg became Manhattan itself, but five to ten years ago people sought gentrifying neighborhoods that still felt authentic.
- 19:19Making 200 grand a year in Manhattan still doesn't let you afford the culture—you can't do the Met, Broadway, and pay rent.
- 20:08The building owner hasn't factored in how much renovation work her shitty property actually needs before it's worth anything.
- 20:29Tim describes how she'd dismiss the caller as having nothing—no property, no woman, no children—while she sits on multi-million-dollar equity.
ManhattanAstoriaBrooklynreal estate developmentLong Island CityQueensWilliamsburgTribeca
- 2 min
Confronting the Landlady and Hating Red-Eye Flights
#Tim imagines the landlady's insults toward him, then pivots into a rant about hating red-eye flights, being denied service by flight attendants, and getting furious watching other passengers get bumped to first class.
8moments
- 21:11Tim warned his landlady that he has a radio show where he said very bad things about the government.
- 21:24The Ukrainian landlady claims she doesn't say anything to anybody, then criticizes Tim's appearance.
- 21:42Tim swears he will never take a red-eye flight again after a terrible experience.
- 21:53Planes are not designed for people of his size to sleep, and the lights being off makes it worse.
- 22:10Tim spent the red-eye wandering to the back of the plane and bothering flight attendants for snacks.
- 22:27Tim paid seventy-five dollars extra for a seat with legroom but still couldn't sleep in it.
- 22:38Two people got upgraded to first class right in front of him, which made him extremely angry.
- 22:48The upgraded passengers loudly announced they were in first class instead of playing it cool about their upgrade.
- 3 min
Tim takes a call from his friend Jerry about her upcoming seafood-themed wedding, joking about seashell decorations and dodging an invitation while riffing on demanding brides.
8moments
- 23:02Tim answers a call from Jerry about her wedding.
- 23:37Jerry asks what the theme of the wedding is.
- 24:08Tim asks when the wedding is and suggests using dried seaweed as a sachet accessory.
- 24:44Tim declines to attend, saying he can't be involved in the wedding because he's traveling for work.
- 25:07Tim criticizes brides for not really taking advantage of beach themes and suggests adding accessories like a crab broach.
- 25:24Jerry will eventually call him saying she's got a shitty motel gig the night of her wedding.
- 25:40Tim describes Jerry as a good friend he used to go out drinking and doing drugs with.
- 25:53Tim admits he likes Jerry despite their chaotic shared history.
Jerry
- 3 min
A string of odd calls comes in, including a kid asking about Stephen Paddock for a "book report," a dismissive riff on finance guys, and a call from Tim's actual mother whose only fond memory of him is him laughing uncontrollably as a kid.
9moments
- 26:10Caller claims to be doing a book report on Steven Paddock and whether he had help or if it was a false flag.
- 26:21Tim identifies the caller as a kid who opens for him and worries the conversation sounds inappropriate.
- 26:41Tim insults the caller's appearance, saying he looks like an onion and has maybe three to five years before his Middle Eastern features get gross.
- 27:03The prank call bit isn't working and is tanking on the show, Tim and Luke agree.
- 27:26Tim explains he just answers calls hoping someone good will call, but the good stuff never makes it on air.
- 27:43Finance and business guys all suck, according to Tim—that's his take on why people like that aren't interesting callers.
- 27:54Tim's mother calls in during the show, interrupting his complaint about his constant life being fucked.
- 28:12Tim's mother refuses to engage with the podcast and says she's watching Jeopardy instead of supporting his career.
- 28:23Tim asks his mother about her favorite memory of him as a child; she gives a generic answer and everyone is bombing.
- 9 min
The Apu Controversy and Punching Up vs. Punching Down
#Tim and Ray dig into the Simpsons' Apu controversy, debating whether the character is offensive, why critics focus on easy targets instead of demanding better representation, and whether making Apu a billionaire rival to Mr. Burns would even make sense.
11moments
- 30:03Apu is a tone-deaf character, but every character on the show is offensive—the real complaint is that people only want to laugh at straight white men.
- 30:14If we only make jokes about straight white men, we're actually putting them on a pedestal.
- 31:04Tim on the "punch up" argument: if you don't make fun of everybody, you won't have any equality.
- 31:20The woke crowd doesn't want equality—they want reverse discrimination to correct historical wrongs.
- 31:57This approach energizes radicals and feeds extremes; you don't create good policy from this place.
- 32:34As an Indian guy, Tim says he doesn't care what anyone does—he's not one of those people demanding the character never existed.
- 32:47The larger point is that only powerful people should be made fun of, which would actually reinforce their power.
- 33:45Hasan's suggestion that Apu should evolve into a competitor with Mr. Burns contradicts the show's critique of wealth inequality.
- 34:48The real critique is valid: one character representing a whole community using only cheap stereotypes.
- 37:00People who demand humor only attack power structures are never actually funny themselves.
- 37:16Restricting humor to tear down oppressive structures isn't how humor works—that's just not how humans work.
The SimpsonsRodney KingMr. BurnsHariLong IslandCall George
- 2 min
Married... With Children Nostalgia and Al Bundy
#A tangent into praising Married... With Children as one of the greatest shows, focusing on Al Bundy's misery and a joke about him earning less than a Pakistani dirt vendor, wondering if that joke would survive today's outrage culture.
4moments
- 37:51Tim calls Married... With Children one of the greatest shows of all time.
- 38:22Al Bundy's quips at overweight women in the shoe store represent the show's best moments.
- 38:33Tim recalls an episode where Al discovers he makes less money than a Pakistani dirt vendor.
- 38:48Tim satirizes how modern culture wars would retroactively attack the show for disrespecting Pakistani soil traditions.
Al BundyMarried... with Children
- 2 min
Diversity in Comedy and the Real Goal: Getting Rich and Famous
#Tim wraps up the representation debate by noting there are still few Indian characters on TV decades later, argues Hollywood liberals could fund more diverse projects themselves, then jokes the real endgame for everyone involved is just personal fame and fortune.
6moments
- 39:09Tim asks where all the Indian characters are now, 20 years after a show introduced diversity.
- 39:28People target characters they feel they can hit with accuracy rather than create positive representation going forward.
- 40:01Tim complains about movie previews being filled with white people for no reason, like in an international espionage film.
- 40:29The real end goal of all this diversity talk, Tim says, is for him personally to get rich and famous.
- 40:45His mother's only memory of him is when he laughed so hard while eating ham that he turned blue watching Gabriel Iglesias.
- 41:16Tim doesn't believe there's anything different between comedians and moves on to discuss the Michael Cohen situation.
- 9 min
Tim and Ray break down the FBI raid on Michael Cohen's office, the legal mechanics of piercing attorney-client privilege, whether this shows Mueller lacks strong collusion evidence, and the Stormy Daniels hush money payment as a possible campaign finance violation.
10moments
- 41:35Mueller refers the Cohen raid to the New York office rather than handling it federally.
- 42:23Tim says the investigation just got "a whole a lot cooler" once it expanded beyond Russia.
- 42:54They're using the Cohen raid as a backdoor to search for evidence when the collusion case seems thin.
- 43:45Everyone celebrating Mueller's moves suggests they don't actually have much on Trump yet.
- 44:27Michael Cohen's lie that he paid Stormy Daniels without Trump's involvement shows obvious obstruction.
- 45:28Tim doesn't care who Trump sleeps with, but paying for silence during a presidential campaign is a scandal.
- 46:46The tactics being used suggest Mueller probably doesn't have enough to take Trump down directly.
- 48:19The investigation will likely expose Trump's web of corrupt business interests and conflicts of interest.
- 49:25Trump's narcissism and past conduct probably should have disqualified him from the presidency.
- 50:04The raid might be designed to provoke Trump into firing Mueller, giving Republicans a chance to impeach.
- 2 min
Trump's Political Future and Finding the Democrats' Trump
#They discuss whether Trump survives the investigations and wins reelection, debate potential Democratic challengers like Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, and whether Michelle Obama's appeal would survive actually entering politics.
4moments
- 50:53Tim predicts Trump finishes his term and runs again, says Democrats need to find their own Trump who can communicate effectively.
- 51:12Possible Democratic candidates: Cory Booker isn't it, Kamala Harris is interesting, Michelle Obama could run but loses her appeal once she enters the political sphere.
- 51:40The paradox of effective non-political speakers: what makes them appealing is precisely that they're not political animals, so their appeal disappears if they actually run.
- 51:59Michelle Obama described as bright, articulate, maternal, concerned—but never feeling like she's being handled when she speaks, which is part of her strength.
- 7 min
Roseanne's Ratings and Ranking the Best Sitcoms
#They check Roseanne's declining second-week ratings, then launch into a long ranking of classic half-hour sitcoms including Seinfeld, NewsRadio, Frasier, Cheers, Taxi, Perfect Strangers, and a bit riffing on the creepy opening sequence of Mr. Belvedere.
17moments
- 52:30Tim checks Roseanne's second-week ratings after the premiere.
- 52:41The second episode averaged 15.2 million viewers, down 24% from the first week.
- 52:57Tim argues that even a slow decline to 6 million would still be solid numbers for a network show.
- 53:20Roseanne was never a show you'd seek out actively; it was something you watched if it was on Tuesday.
- 53:39Half-hour comedies now are made mostly as background noise rather than appointment television.
- 54:13Perfect Strangers was great; Taxi was a classic.
- 54:31Tim questions whether Mr. Belvedere was actually funny as a kid show.
- 54:42The concept of Mr. Belvedere is creepy: some old British guy living in your house, correcting your kids' etiquette.
- 55:22Tim riffs on Mr. Belvedere's backstory and photos dressed as Lawrence of Arabia justifying his presence with vague world experience.
- 56:02Tim met a writer for Empty Nest who was morbidly obese and arrived in a van with french fries from In-N-Out.
- 56:47The Empty Nest writer claimed the cast hated each other and had shocking behind-the-scenes gossip nobody cares about.
- 57:08Tim tells her no one knows the half of it because no one cares; she's had a meaningless life.
- 57:25Empty Nest's opening sequence: the show sacrifices kids in a forest, then cheerfully announces life goes on.
- 58:07Tim liked Harry and the Hendersons as a kid and enjoyed most of the TGIF block shows.
- 58:41Three's Company was a great, racy classic featuring John Ritter's comic genius.
- 59:00John Ritter died of a heart attack during his later show, Eight Rules for My Teenage Daughter.
- 59:13Tim jokes that rule number nine of that show should have been about resuscitation after Ritter's death.
John RitterALFAll in the FamilyCheersEmpty NestFamily MattersFrasierHarry and the Henderson's+7 more
- 1 min
Mr. Belvedere and Empty Nest Behind-the-Scenes Gossip
#An extended bit imagining Mr. Belvedere molesting the kids on the show, followed by a story about a writer friend who worked on Empty Nest sharing washed-up gossip about the cast hating each other.
4moments
- 59:20Tim discusses Mr. Belvedere dying tragically.
- 59:42Tim makes a crude joke about Marmite and oral sex.
- 59:52Tim describes the idea of Mr. Belvedere fucking the kids on the show.
- 1:00:14Shepherds pie mentioned as part of the bit.
- 1 min
More Sitcom Nostalgia and Fake Belvedere Bit Continued
#Tim continues riffing through more sitcoms including Family Matters, All in the Family, Three's Company, and John Ritter's death, mixed with more of the Mr. Belvedere gag.
1moment
- 1:00:32Tim promotes the strike's end date of May 1st with a "promo code hell" offer.
- 1 min
Tim briefly pitches subscribing to Gas Digital Network for archives and live streams before the May 1st price increase using promo code HELL.
1moment
- 1:00:47Archives of the show are available on Gas Digital Network
- 3 min
David Hogg Jokes and the Occult Pizzagate Bit
#Tim riffs on a guest who did a fake ritual and got tagged as part of a Pizzagate-adjacent occult conspiracy, then launches into an extended, deliberately grotesque bit fantasizing about a relationship with David Hogg to test if it would help or hurt gun control messaging.
9moments
- 1:00:50Tim announces approaching 90 episodes and teases a ritual ceremony for episode 100.
- 1:01:00Someone did a fake ritual on a show and now the internet thinks he's part of the occult and Pizzagate conspiracy.
- 1:01:15Tim says if that's what the occult is, it's fallen considerably, though he likes the person involved.
- 1:01:29David Hogg is very annoying, but Tim has something worse to say about him.
- 1:01:50Something about Hogg's mouth doesn't line up correctly—it's like a weird little cartoon mouth.
- 1:02:13Tim clarifies Hogg is a grown-up, nearly 18 years of age, emphasizing he's careful about the distinction.
- 1:02:33Tim poses the question: if Hogg turns 18 and starts making out with him, will the media lose interest in him?
- 1:02:46Tim fantasizes about Hogg bringing him to a podium and the two of them making out aggressively, with Tim licking his neck so intensely it looks like he's having a seizure.
- 1:03:24The scenario sounds like something out of Revelations—like a fucking pig eating itself.
- 5 min
Showing Up at the Hogg Family's House
#Tim continues the bit, imagining showing up at David Hogg's house to meet his parents, escalating the absurd, deliberately shocking scenario for comic effect.
10moments
- 1:03:43Tim asks whether a compromising video would make an assault weapons ban more or less likely.
- 1:04:22Showing up matters—leaving your socks on at an orgy, you came to the party.
- 1:04:42Tim wonders if a video of him in drag with Hogg would alienate or attract people to the movement.
- 1:05:16Tim argues Hogg is a man, not a child, comparing the controversy to Jerry Seinfeld dating a 17-year-old.
- 1:05:47Hogg's physical build described like a small game bird—a Cornish hen you break in half with cherry compote.
- 1:06:08Tim says you're closing doors and hurting the cause, not helping it, by doing what homosexual men do.
- 1:06:29Tim performs showing up at the Hogg family's house, knocking on the door to visit their 17-year-old son.
- 1:07:02Offering to do laundry for the family as a way to gain entry.
- 1:07:21Tim declares his love for their son and asks to see his penis, which he believes the parents would find funny.
- 1:07:58Vice made a video about Alex Jones types and right-wing figures, including archival of Hogg and his family.
- 4 min
Conspiracy Granny and Sidethorn Confront Sandy Hook Families
#Tim and Ray discuss a Vice video about right-wing conspiracy figures, focusing on a husband-and-wife conspiracy team who confront grieving parents at shootings and call them liars, and joke about their bizarre chemistry and catchphrases.
9moments
- 1:08:20Tim defends Laura Ingraham's right to free speech despite disagreeing with how she's treated by her critics.
- 1:08:49Conspiracy Granny and Sidethorn—a husband-and-wife team—are coming on the show, notorious for confronting Sandy Hook families and denying their children died.
- 1:09:11Tim describes the dynamic: when a father says his daughter is buried in the cemetery, Sidethorn calls him a liar and a demon.
- 1:09:23Going on a double date with this couple would be genuinely interesting and fun, regardless of whether they're good people.
- 1:09:39The wife keeps starting to escalate while the husband tells her to stay calm and build credibility slowly before moving to bigger conspiracy claims.
- 1:10:36Tim entertains the premise: what if they're actually right and these shootings aren't fake?
- 1:11:04The motivation required to travel the country telling grieving parents their dead children never existed represents a particular kind of extremism.
- 1:11:35A combination of drunkenness, isolation, and echo chambers of other conspiracy theorists drives this behavior, plus self-righteousness.
- 1:12:15Tim wants to get Sam Tripoli on the show to discuss conspiracy theories more broadly.
Conspiracy GrannySide ThornLaura IngrahamSam TripoliDavid Hart
- 2 min
Alex Jones, Deep State Cliches, and Booking Sam Tripoli
#Tim reflects on how terms like "deep state" got hijacked into a conspiracy meme by Alex Jones and Roger Stone's crew, and announces wanting to have Sam Tripoli on the show to dig into QAnon-style theories.
4moments
- 1:12:20Tim plans to have Sam Tripoli on the show to discuss conspiracy theories like QAnon.
- 1:12:47Tim admits he used the term 'deep state' last week without realizing it had become a gimmick hijacked by Alex Jones and Roger Stone.
- 1:13:13Roger Stone is a liar for a living and no rational person believes he actually subscribes to any of the conspiracy theories he promotes.
- 1:13:43The conspiracy industry relies on emotional manipulation, like 'conspiracy granny' pretending her kids were slaughtered for attention and energy.
- 2 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour dates including Austin's Moontower, Clusterfest, Mohegan Sun, Zany's Chicago, and Ireland, plus asks listeners to review the show on iTunes.
5moments
- 1:13:58Announces tour dates across the US: Austin at Moon Tower Comedy Festival with Chris Gethard, Clusterfest in San Francisco, Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, Zany's in Chicago, Comedy Connection in Providence, and Ireland gig coming soon.
- 1:14:33Tim provides social media handles and website for tour announcements: TimDillonComedy.com, @TimJDillonDILON on Instagram and Twitter, Tim Dylan on Facebook.
- 1:14:47Pitches new episodes of That Happened on Vice Sports Facebook, describing content about Ted Williams' frozen head in tuna fish can and Ty Cobb beating up a handicapped fan.
- 1:15:12Pushes for Bobby Fischer episode as family-friendly sports trivia, mentions Fischer was on a Filipino radio station on the morning of 9/11 calling the attacks great for the US.
- 1:15:43Ray Comp on Twitter and Instagram — asks listeners to review the show on iTunes, give a rating, and submit it for a prize.
Bobby FischerZany'sMohegan SunMoon Tower Comedy FestivalClusterfestThat HappenedChris GethardComedy Connection+2 more
- 1 min
Ray Kump Plug and Bobby Fischer Radio Rant Bit
#Ray plugs his Vice Sports Facebook show and they riff on wanting to cover Bobby Fischer, including a real anecdote about Fischer celebrating 9/11 on a Filipino radio station.
4moments
- 1:15:58Conspiracy granny character reviews soldiers, calling them fat queers working for the deep state
- 1:16:15Tim riffs on what conspiracy granny's conversations with her partner might sound like
- 1:16:37Tim describes traveling the country as better and worse than you'd imagine
- 1:16:55Conspiracy granny character breaks, insisting she works at an insurance company, not a conspiracy theorist
- 1 min
Closing Riff: Conspiracy Granny Reviews and Vice's Casting
#They close out riffing on what a Conspiracy Granny iTunes review might sound like, joke about the pastor from the Vice conspiracy video living a normal life, and wonder if Vice cast the confrontational conspiracy couple, before signing off.