Episode 32 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Pizza Hut Buffet
Feb 14, 2017 · 1:00:07 · 20 segments, 134 moments indexed
- 1 min
Show intro music and stinger, then Tim announces the episode is live from the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet in Lynbrook, Long Island.
2moments
- 0:10Tim announces the show's premise: taking a hard critical look at the people society has decided to hate—billionaires, dictators, CEOs.
- 0:29Opening the episode live from the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet in Limbrook, Long Island.
- 2 min
Walking Into the Sad, Empty Pizza Hut
#Tim describes arriving to find the buffet nearly empty, the pizzas looking old and disgusting, the salad bar removed because no one wants lettuce, and a waitress explaining the 'salad' is now just breadsticks and sauce.
4moments
- 0:47Tim walks into an empty Pizza Hut and finds it's a microcosm of America's decline.
- 1:29The personal pan pizzas on the buffet look like they've been sitting there for three weeks, covered in congealed toppings.
- 1:48The salad bar has been completely removed because nobody wants lettuce—their bodies apparently reject it.
- 2:16When he asks if they can make him a salad, the waitress offers one that's just tomatoes, or basically breadsticks with sauce.
- 3 min
The $6 Buffet, Childhood Memories, and the Woman with Kids
#Tim recounts his schizophrenic, obese mother taking him here as a kid, laments the buffet's decline from its creative-topping glory days, and they narrate a woman introducing her kids to Tim's driver as a potential new stepdad.
7moments
- 2:32Tim finds a $6 all-you-can-eat buffet too expensive compared to buying a frozen pizza.
- 2:59The buffet's decline mirrors the decline of the American empire.
- 3:27They had to request fresh pizzas because the ones on display were legitimately old.
- 3:42The pepperoni slice he grabbed is inedible and sweating grease.
- 4:07Tim compares the awfulness of this pizza to watching online executions, which are less disturbing.
- 4:40A woman with two children was at the buffet, and when Tim's friend said hello to the kids, she called him the best friend.
- 5:02Tim's take: if you say hello to someone else's children, you've basically claimed ownership of them and should take them home.
- 3 min
Chinese Buffets vs. Pizza Hut, and the Illusion of the Salad
#Tim compares Long Island's Asian fusion buffets favorably, they mock the sad three pizza options versus the old days with barbecue chicken and buffalo wing pizzas, and reminisce about the old 'health illusion' salad loaded with bacon bits and ranch, plus the legendary cheese sticks.
6moments
- 5:43Tim discusses his love-hate relationship with Chinese buffets on Long Island, praising the variety despite the low quality.
- 6:08Comparing Pizza Hut's limited three-pie selection to Chinese buffets, which used to offer creative variations like barbecue chicken and buffalo wing pies.
- 6:39The pasta at this location is crusted together so hard it requires a knife to cut through.
- 6:52Tim describes the food as microwaved when asked for his assessment.
- 7:04When Tim ordered a salad, they brought him a bowl of ice cream instead.
- 7:27The restaurant used to offer cheese sticks—bread sticks topped with mozzarella cheese.
- 2 min
A Woman Comes In for a To-Go Order, and the First Bites
#They narrate a woman in scrubs picking up food near the medical offices, mock the driver's disgust at the buffet lifestyle, and Tim and Ray take their first bites of the old greasy pizza and stale breadsticks.
5moments
- 7:52Tim observes two fat guys with microphones and a pizza as nothing out of the ordinary.
- 8:21The cook is upset about them making only two pies to last an hour.
- 8:53Their skinny driver doesn't understand the appeal of gorging on breadsticks and dessert pies.
- 9:08Tim describes the fresh breadsticks as not actually good—just shitty oil and salt that makes you keep eating anyway.
- 9:51Tim looks at the incoming pie like a kid on Christmas, imagining what kind of soaked oil it contains.
- 3 min
Tim 'Performs Surgery' on a Fresh Pie and Rates the Slices
#Tim excitedly builds a mound of pizza from a fresh pie, they compare it to Taco Bell's pizza combo and Domino's, meet the shy waitress with the Diet Pepsi mix-up, and speculate on the mystery origins of the mushrooms and pepperoni.
7moments
- 10:28Tim performs surgery on a pie using two spatulas like wishbones and picks at it aggressively.
- 11:10He seems happier than he's been in weeks while ladling sauce into a cup and assembling a massive mound of pizza on one plate.
- 11:24Pizza Hut pie tastes better than Taco Bell but falls short of great—it's just not satisfying.
- 11:54Tim compares the pizza to Domino's and introduces a waitress named Diet Pepsi who doesn't want to speak on air.
- 12:25He can't identify what's wrong with the pizza but suspects it's full of something unsatisfying.
- 12:38The mushrooms look genetically engineered, grown on some agro-industrial farm before traveling to this strip mall on Long Island.
- 13:02The slice has more oil than cheese and the pepperonis are unidentifiable.
- 4 min
The Regular: A Woman's Ritual Buffet Routine
#They spot a lone regular customer who walks straight to her usual table with tissues, water, and a plastic bag, ask for ranch dipping sauce, and Tim frames her comfort and efficiency as the peak of the buffet experience, briefly detouring into a Gorsuch Supreme Court aside.
10moments
- 13:44Tim questions who would visit a six-dollar all-you-can-eat pizza buffet in the middle of the day.
- 14:06A mother brought her kids in and told one who claimed not to be hungry: you eat now, because at home you'll say you're hungry.
- 14:27Tim recalls eating 13 to 14 slices of pizza here, plus dessert pie and breadsticks.
- 14:40He used to come stoned and would leave once his stomach was so full he started having panic attacks.
- 15:05When the buffet announced no dessert pies were available, customers started flipping out.
- 15:27People would work together to spot fresh pies hitting the buffet, while slower customers settled for bastard pies like black olive and thin crust.
- 16:14The two-hour buffet at six dollars means someone can show up and keep eating until they're dead.
- 16:27A woman walks in who represents Tim's people—she has a bag, prescription shoes, a box of tissues, and moves straight to a table like a regular.
- 16:50The woman demands ranch dressing immediately without looking at a menu, establishing herself as someone who knows this place.
- 17:22Tim observes that she comes here regularly, feels comfortable and safe, and represents what people are searching for in America.
Central American migrants
- 3 min
Parmesan Overload and the Heroin-Ritual Comparison
#They watch the regular woman dump excessive parmesan and salt on her pizza and lay out paper towels in anticipation, leading Tim into a riff comparing buffet rituals to cooking heroin on a spoon and other addict behaviors.
8moments
- 17:49Tim describes a woman's routine at the buffet as something she probably does several times a week, with an air of practiced comfort and no hesitation.
- 18:08Tim complains about losing half an hour because his mother was in the hospital, which set back his buffet schedule.
- 18:37Tim admits he's never been a big ranch guy and doesn't understand putting it on oily pepperoni pizza.
- 19:36Tim criticizes conservatives for opposing the right to end your own life peacefully while simultaneously bleeding people dry with healthcare costs.
- 20:01The woman at the buffet has been hitting the pizza heavily with fresh parmesan for about ten minutes straight.
- 20:17Tim compares her parmesan application to being heavy-handed, noting she just dumped salt all over her slice.
- 20:40Each table has a full roll of Bounty paper towels, which Tim has only seen before at picnics and southern barbecues.
- 20:52The woman laid out the paper towels in anticipation of what's about to happen from all that parmesan and grease.
- 3 min
New Arrivals: Shorts-in-Winter Guy and Long Island Fashion
#A man in shorts and a hoodie despite winter weather draws commentary on Long Island's 'fat guys in shorts' phenomenon and global warming, plus a rundown of the buffet's dessert offerings (no wings, just cinnamon sticks).
7moments
- 21:25Tim discusses rituals—from packing cigarettes to cooking heroin on a spoon to buffet eating—as central to addiction and daily life.
- 21:50Cheese sticks may be coming out at the buffet, triggering competitive instinct between Tim and a woman also eyeing the food.
- 22:18After four or five days on a local record feeling great, Tim was regretting having to do this show until arriving and getting pulled in.
- 22:36A family at the buffet chooses not to participate, which Tim reads as evidence they're not gross people.
- 22:50Pizza sauce is just tomato paste and sugar, which triggers the same addictive response as alcohol—one is too many, a thousand is never enough.
- 23:06A man in shorts and a hoodie arrives in January wearing maximum comfort and minimal clothing—Tim identifies him as "his people."
- 23:19People with food shame probably want to go to the basement, smoke a bong, eat a full pie alone, then go back to bed instead of hitting the buffet.
- 5 min
Ziti, Scabs, and the 90-Year-Old Man Comparison
#Tim eats crusted rotini/ziti and compares its cheese texture to a scab, makes a crude comparison to a sex act, they watch more customers rush the buffet, and joke about needing pizza sauce stains as a badge of honor.
10moments
- 23:40Two pizzas for fifteen bucks is acting like something extravagant.
- 24:19Guy walks out with a full Mountain Dew, shorts and flip-flops in February—global warming doesn't look good.
- 24:48Fat guys wearing shorts in winter is a Long Island thing, and they've seen a lot of it this winter.
- 25:02No wings on the buffet, and the dessert pies—apple and cherry—are gone; only cinnamon sticks now.
- 25:47Woman at the buffet is just housing entire slices in one bite while oscillating between pizza and ziti.
- 26:45The ziti cheese has crusted over and has the texture of a two- or three-day-old scab.
- 27:09Tim compares eating the ziti to going down on a ninety-year-old man.
- 28:05People comfortable at this place go straight to the buffet without waiting—that's how you know they belong.
- 28:21It becomes a race because the buffet ends at two; everyone's calculating how much they can eat before time runs out.
- 28:49Leaving a pizza buffet without a stain means you're an idiot and a loser.
- 4 min
Deathbed Reflections and How Far the Pizza Has Fallen
#Tim muses on whether people on their deathbeds look back fondly on buffet gluttony like an addict recalling good highs, then he and Ray agree the pizza used to be dramatically better with creative toppings, plus a Lynbrook geography aside about the train ride here.
8moments
- 29:20Tim imagines what dying people think about—whether they look back and consider their life a good time.
- 29:49People with serious diagnoses like diabetes or heart disease face the impossible choice: deprive yourself of joy or accept the consequences.
- 30:23Pizza at a lunch buffet is salty and oily—objectively bad food that's become worse over time.
- 30:50Tim insists the pizza used to be better, attributing the decline to pies sitting too long on the warmer and chemicals wearing off.
- 31:26He took a train past actual good pizzerias to reach this buffet, deliberately choosing the worst option.
- 31:49A buffet's main appeal as a fat person is that no one tells you no—you eat until you physically cannot anymore.
- 32:16At regular restaurants you order one entrée and pray it's big enough to satisfy you; buffets eliminate that anxiety.
- 32:50The buffet concept barely exists outside America and reveals something specific about American culture.
pizza lunch buffetPizziolaLong Island
- 3 min
Vegas Buffets vs. the Worst Chinese Buffet in Manhattan
#Tim praises Las Vegas buffets with crab legs and prime rib, then tells a disgusting extended story about the worst buffet in America, a Midtown Manhattan Chinese buffet with coagulating lo mein, melted General Tso's chicken, and sleeping homeless people.
7moments
- 32:55Tim loves Las Vegas because it's the buffet capital of the world, with mile-long selections of prime rib and crab legs.
- 33:21Vegas buffets maintain decent restaurant-quality food despite the massive selection, unlike typical buffet tradeoffs.
- 33:35Tim went to Midtown buffet in Manhattan, the worst buffet in America, and got sick from the food.
- 34:11The General Tso's chicken was so hot the chicken had melted out of its coating and was floating in the oil with skin scabs.
- 34:43Tim grabbed both chicken and skin pieces separately, trying to reconstruct a complete General Tso's by putting the coating back on top.
- 35:01Homeless people were sleeping at tables in the Midtown buffet while customers tried to eat.
- 35:16Going to a buffet alone says something good about a person, according to Tim.
Las VegasMidtown buffet ManhattanGeneral Tso's chicken
- 3 min
Eating Buffets Alone, and Cinnamon Sticks with Icing
#Tim defends eating at buffets alone as a sign of individual strength, tells a story about choosing a Chinese buffet over calling a tow truck, and they try the cinnamon sticks doused in thick icing that tastes like melted Fun Dip.
7moments
- 35:50Tim argues that going to a buffet alone makes you a strong individual, and that it's absurd to go with someone.
- 36:12Synestics arrive as a sweet break between pizza courses—they're cinnamon sticks with thick icing.
- 37:13The icing tastes like melted Fun Dip or crushed-up Sweet Tarts, reminiscent of that candy stick and sugar bag combo from childhood.
- 37:41Tim envisions the lunch buffet experience: not excited for the pizza, but there's an allure to it despite knowing he won't feel good afterward.
- 38:00The driver finds it funny how heavily Tim lathered the stick with icing, but Tim defends his technique.
- 38:24Fat people compartmentalize food across multiple plates to feel less dirty, putting one thing on each plate.
- 38:47Lathering the icing generously onto the cinnamon stick gives the food a different experience as the icing melts over it.
- 5 min
Childhood Buffet Memories: Marriott, Itkins, and Mom's Affair
#Tim reminisces about the Marriott breakfast buffet in Uniondale, an ice cream parlor called Itkins in Valley Stream where his mother had an emotional almost-affair with a married cook who called her 'Patty Slides,' and other beloved Long Island buffets.
9moments
- 39:58Tim describes arriving at Pizza Hut on a 95-degree day with a belly full of pizza and other people's sweat.
- 40:48The thin driver is fingering the icing off the cinnamon stick without self-awareness, revealing what Tim calls everyone's inner fat person.
- 41:05Tim explains the difference between the driver's unselfconscious sexualized eating and how people who are aware recognize their own disgust while doing the same thing.
- 41:47Tim reflects on how his childhood memories with his parents centered on food, which is why he's pre-diabetic.
- 42:05He recalls the Marriott breakfast buffet in Uniondale, where his family would arrive a half-hour late to school because of it.
- 42:36Tim's mother loved Itkins, an ice cream parlor in Valley Stream, and developed feelings for the short-order cook there during her divorce.
- 42:53The cook at Itkins would talk to Tim's mother late at night while she sat in the booth, leaving work to eat there on her way home.
- 43:16The cook called Tim's mother 'Patty Slides' because she would slide into the booth, which she interpreted as affectionate despite being over 200 pounds.
- 43:33Tim lists the buffets his mother took him to: Pizza at Lunch, Marriott breakfast, and Old Country Buffet in Levittown near Tri-County flea market.
Pizza HutMarriottItkinsNASA Educators Federal Credit UnionTri-countyOld Country BuffetNassau ColiseumUniondale+2 more
- 3 min
Old Country Buffet and the Chocolate Pudding Cake
#They recall a disgusting but beloved trip to Old Country Buffet in Suffolk with its famous chocolate pudding cake, plus childhood swim meet buffet trips with Tim's coach mother, before spotting another regular walking in.
6moments
- 44:20Tim compares driving past good pizza options to passing by your kids when heading to get heroin.
- 44:39The chocolate pudding cake at Old Country Buffet had a cake top that broke open into oozy pudding, paired with vanilla ice cream.
- 45:08The Old Country Buffet was connected to a mall and packed with people who wanted to shove pink chicken into their mouths after shopping for size 52 pants.
- 45:35Tim wanted to relive his childhood at the buffet, remembering going to Hometown Buffet after swim meets with his mom, who was a coach.
- 46:07A bald man in bright green sweatpants and a hoodie limps into the buffet on his phone, probably calling about Medicare or Medicaid.
- 46:32Ray suggests all the people they've described walking into the buffet might not be real, or might be fans.
Old Country BuffetHometown Buffet
- 4 min
Buffet Etiquette, Stolen Plates, and the Sundae Memory
#They discuss buffet plate theft and near-fights among customers, praise the judgment-free nature of the place compared to high-end sex clubs, and Tim recalls winning third place in a childhood swim meet and getting a 15-scoop sundae at Itkins.
8moments
- 46:51Tim claims cheese pizza is the best slice because of texture and the option to add carrots and mushrooms.
- 47:35Guy in medical scrubs goes straight to the buffet instead of sitting first, minimizing walks through the line.
- 48:00People at the buffet have gotten into near fights, including someone claiming ownership of a pizza plate another customer grabbed.
- 48:54Tim observes the place as a judgment-free zone where solitary diners quietly satisfy basic urges without social pressure.
- 49:20Comparison between this casual buffet and expensive Hollywood sex clubs: both offer no judgment and access to satisfy any desire.
- 49:48Tim reflects on watching overweight people eat with delicacy, noting each bite carries weight because eating connects to memory.
- 49:59Tim recalls winning a mile swim at age six and his parents taking him to an ice cream shop called Ittkins in Valley Stream for a 15-scoop sundae.
- 50:09The kitchen sink sundae was one of his favorite desserts, and he ate until getting sick despite other kids sharing it moderately.
- 3 min
Rock Bottom, Recovery Meetings, and the Tour Bus Confession
#Tim compares the buffet to rock-bottom addiction recovery meeting territory, jokes about using it as cheap shelter, and then tells a story about masturbating on a tour bus while driving through Times Square during a work shift.
7moments
- 50:57Tim says he can't eat pizza like he used to and finds it depressing.
- 51:25Pizza Hut lunch buffet is rock bottom—the exact place mentioned in recovery meetings.
- 51:45Tim claims people in cocaine anonymous and AA meetings nod knowingly when Pizza Hut comes up.
- 52:08Six-dollar pizza buffet works like a cheap motel where addicts can rest and hide.
- 52:42Tim jerked off on a tour bus downstairs while working as a tour guide, with the driver still driving.
- 53:18The thrill was wondering if someone would board the bus and discover him masturbating.
- 53:31Tim's best experience was jerking off in Times Square on the tour bus, watching people outside.
- 1 min
Stacking Pizza Slices and the Parmesan Finale
#They discuss the trick of stacking pizza slices to beat the small buffet plates, try dousing a final slice in parmesan, and jokingly solicit a cheese company sponsorship.
4moments
- 54:00Small plates are designed to limit pizza slices, but stacking slice after slice makes you feel like a king.
- 54:16Tim describes the appeal: there's nothing better than eating pizza with pizza underneath it.
- 54:31Tim decides to douse a slice with parmesan before ending the segment.
- 54:54Open invitation to any purveyor of fine cheeses interested in sponsoring the show.
pizzaLook at Ellie
- 2 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates including South by Southwest, Glasgow Comedy Festival, Houston, and a joke bit about headlining a fictional club called Scuttles located inside a Walmart in Troy, New York.
7moments
- 55:10Tim plugs tour dates on TimDillonComedy.com, mentioning Los Angeles, South by Southwest in Austin, Glasgow Comedy Festival in late March, and Houston.
- 55:27He apologizes to Amanda, a fan, for having to cancel a Houston festival but promises to return in early April for the Come and Get It Fest.
- 55:50Tim will headline the Brokerage in Long Island in April and promises to tweet Michael details about those dates.
- 56:24When asked when he's headlining Scuttles Comedy Club, Tim commits to June 12th.
- 56:48During the day the Walmart's TV section becomes a comedy club with camping chairs set up for an audience.
- 56:59Tim plans to do an hour at Scuttles, saying his set will be about his alimony payments.
- 57:19Tim decides this Walmart special idea might actually become his next project and asks Ray to cut that part out so people won't steal it.
- 3 min
Final Verdict on the Pizza Hut and Closing Riff
#Tim and Ray give their disappointed final verdict on the decline of the pizza quality, comparing it to giving a heroin addict a donut, before Tim closes with a poignant riff about Ray talking about Harriet Miers into a void while no one listened, calling it the essence of going to hell.
5moments
- 57:28Tim says he doesn't think he'll book another pizza lunch buffet visit, unwilling to commit to never returning.
- 57:48Tim complains that even as a fatty he doesn't feel satiated because the pizza lacks variety and taste beyond basic dough and cheese.
- 58:17Pizza Hut's creative options like barbecue sauce and meatballs on pie used to be the draw, but this buffet phones it in.
- 58:55Tim compares the experience to giving a heroin addict a donut — they've built a tolerance to this level of fat and need more stimulation.
- 59:35Ray talking about Harriet Miers into a microphone while people gorge themselves on pizza became the epitome of the whole episode's sadness.