Episode 24 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Angry Gay Santa
Dec 20, 2016 · 1:04:56 · 15 segments, 130 moments indexed
- 1 min
Quick sponsor tag opening the Christmas episode with the promo code HELL, riffing on Christ and the gas digital empire.
2moments
- 0:10Tim introduces the segment title: 'Tim Dillon Is Going To Hell'
- 0:43Tim urges listeners to do something when the episode drops
- 1 min
Riff about keeping Ray Kump alert with espresso after he fell asleep on Bobby Kelly's podcast couch for hours.
3moments
- 0:45Promo code is hell, H-E-L-L.
- 0:59Tim explains the sponsorship money helps Ray Kump buy cans of Illy Espresso to stay alert.
- 1:18Ray fell asleep on Bobby's podcast couch for three hours while sitting next to a girl from New Jersey.
- 4 min
Ray's DUI-Adjacent Encounter With Federal Agents
#Ray recounts falling asleep driving home from Island Park and rear-ending a black car carrying two federal officers heading to the airport, and how their rush to catch a flight let him off the hook.
9moments
- 1:41Ray woke up nodding off while driving two blocks from home in Island Park.
- 2:30Tim asks if Ray caught himself before passing out; Ray clarifies he wasn't drunk, just tired.
- 2:50Ray head-on collided with a black town car carrying two federal officers on their way to the airport.
- 3:04One of the federal agents yelled "stay in the car" immediately after the crash.
- 3:34Tim wonders if the collision worked out better for Ray because the federal agents didn't want to deal with it and left to catch their flight.
- 4:07Ray tells Tim the cops gave him a sobriety test at the scene.
- 4:34Tim argues Ray sounds like a disgraced businessman, not a doctor or professor.
- 4:47A local cop who pulled Ray over knew his mother-in-law worked there, so he knew the situation.
- 5:03Tim shifts to saying it's the holidays and politics shouldn't be brought up over Christmas.
Island ParkMacArthurRepublic airportMelville
- 4 min
The Millionaire Next Door and Ray's Parents' Book Gift
#Ray's parents gave him the book The Millionaire Next Door as a passive-aggressive comment on his lifestyle, sparking a back-and-forth about frugality, living below your means, opulence, and Ray's lack of heirs.
10moments
- 5:36Ray's parents gave him The Millionaire Next Door as a gift, apparently thinking he needs financial advice.
- 5:57Tim describes it as his father's last-ditch effort, like they're sending poison through the pages hoping it seeps into him.
- 6:11The book's whole point is that you can become a millionaire by being frugal and making proper investments instead of living an opulent lifestyle.
- 6:24Tim's parents think his problem is that he's living an opulent lifestyle on Fifth Avenue with conspicuous consumption.
- 6:41Tim argues that real millionaires don't drive Ferraris—they live below their means, like living in a room without a window.
- 7:00Tim tells Ray he needs to sit his father down and explain that he doesn't have heirs, so the family wealth strategy is pointless for him.
- 7:43Ray pushes back and wants just one or two days to be a bad person without the financial lectures.
- 8:06Tim clarifies that the millionaires worth talking about are the fun ones, but there are tons of no-fun millionaires nobody discusses.
- 8:26There's a big difference between having a high income and actually accumulating wealth—you can make $200,000 and still be living a horror.
- 8:40It's very hard to become a millionaire when you come from absolute nothing, like growing up in a public housing project or a shitty ramshackle shack in Buffalo.
- 7 min
Becoming a Mall Santa for a Clown Broker
#Tim tells the story of being recruited by a literal clown-turned-booking-agent to play Santa, only to discover the real job was luring poor kids to an Obamacare sign-up truck disguised as a Christmas outreach.
12moments
- 9:18Tim got into a Christmas issue with a legitimate clown who brokered Santa gigs a couple years ago.
- 9:32The clown broker was bone-thin, looked like a skinny Nazi, and didn't seem jolly at all.
- 9:56Another comedian had put Tim's name in the hat for a Santa job without telling him what it involved.
- 10:39Tim thought he'd be working at a Macy's, but the clown revealed his actual job: stand outside a health insurance truck dressed as Santa and sell Obamacare.
- 11:07The health insurance trucks parked in low-income areas with Santa handing out bottles of water and snacks to lure kids to the truck.
- 11:53A guy approached thinking it was a blood donation truck and refused to give his blood when he saw candy canes.
- 12:39The setup was deceptive: kids see Santa, then suddenly they're pulling out Medicaid charts and asking about cigarettes.
- 13:13When nobody was on the street outside a Western Beef grocery store, the lady asked Tim to do ho-ho-hos and ring the bell to create a spectacle.
- 13:58Tim's ho-ho-ho sounds like a degenerate gambler who just found out about a one-month foreclosure reprieve.
- 14:35Tim got a complaint that he wasn't being jolly enough when kids complained about not getting bicycles.
- 15:02The insurance sellers weren't closers and didn't know how to sell the Affordable Care Act to people who didn't understand it wasn't free.
- 16:19The clown sent Tim to Huntington Station on Long Island the next day, a real shithole town with a plurality of murders.
ObamacareWestern beefHuntington StationKevin SpaceyMacy's
- 6 min
The Christmas Chicken Incident in Huntington Station
#Sent to a low-income Long Island store, Tim shares a tent with a demoralized chicken mascot from a restaurant, gives the chicken his Santa hat to cover for him while he smokes outside, and chaos ensues when kids discover a chicken on Santa's throne.
10moments
- 16:51Tim went to a store in Huntington Station with a chicken mascot for a Christmas event.
- 17:50The restaurant sent out a mascot chicken, and Tim and the chicken were put in a tent together.
- 18:10No kids wanted to sit on the chicken because nobody wants to sit on a chicken.
- 18:47The chicken was demoralized and upset that nobody wanted to take pictures with him.
- 19:16Tim offered to leave early and gave the chicken his Santa hat so it could be the Christmas chicken instead.
- 20:14People complained that Santa was smoking outside and refusing to sit with the kids.
- 21:05Tim put the chicken in the Santa seat, and when the kids came in, they found a giant chicken wearing a Santa hat instead of Santa.
- 21:49The event organizer opened the tent, saw the chicken on the throne, and lost her mind.
- 22:20Tim told the organizer that the chicken had threatened him and stolen the hat, claiming he was trying to protect himself from getting stabbed.
- 22:50They called the clown who had given Tim the hat, and the clown was upset because he lost work as a result.
Huntington Stationserial killer clownPollo Campero
- 4 min
Reading the Clown's Furious Emails
#Tim reads aloud the angry emails from the clown/booking agent accusing him of being arrogant, unreliable, and disrespecting the Santa suit, and defends himself as basically a saint who was just trying to help the chicken.
10moments
- 23:01The email arrives: they had a problem with Santa and another mascot because he'd promised promotions like Easter bunny if the Santa performed well.
- 23:26Tim confirms he was hired for two or three hours at a reasonable rate for what he describes as hard work.
- 23:49Tim's advice: get your kid to the event early, and he notes there was a chicken mascot there too sharing the workload.
- 24:10When cornered, Tim told a desperate lie claiming the man tried to kill him, despite the man and witnesses being present to refute it.
- 24:39The clown employer demanded Tim's tax information to report the income, which Tim found sketchy at first.
- 24:53Tim met the employer outside a restaurant to return the Santa suit, while his friend filmed the handoff.
- 25:10The employer complained the suit wasn't folded, and Tim fired back that he doesn't know how to fold a Santa suit.
- 25:22First email reads: "Don't know what I did to you Tim," listing grievances about giving him work, an outfit, and paying for a cab.
- 25:56Second email escalates: "You were the most arrogant ungrateful and unreliable person I have had work for me."
- 26:11Employer accuses Tim and his photographer friend of running a sketch to see if he'd get pissed off about the suit treatment.
- 7 min
Grandmother's Death and the Meaning of Christmas
#Tim reflects on his grandmother's recent death, the loneliness of holidays without family, and riffs into an extended bit about defending himself in court for murder using a Christmas-themed opening statement.
12moments
- 27:13Tim tried to help a chicken at a restaurant where the mascot was sent to a tent outside to sit with kids.
- 27:41He didn't villainize the person who put him in the situation; there were unforeseen circumstances like heat and nasty ungrateful kids.
- 28:33Tim offered to tell parents' kids to shut their mouths if the parents wanted him to enforce discipline, but no one took him up on it.
- 28:50Society is creating soft, entitled kids with no rules because parents aren't asking Santa to enforce basic behavior.
- 29:16He provided the hat for the chicken; there are plenty of Santa renderings without hats anyway.
- 30:06Tim did Santa once at UCB East, where he performed a bit about Santa creating ISIS.
- 30:43Bobby bought him a nice Santa suit for a podcast but forgot it in his car, so Tim got a cheap felt stripper suit instead.
- 31:16Despite making kids happy, Tim wouldn't want to be in a room with that Santa guy—he could tell the guy was a scumbag who hurt people.
- 31:41His grandmother died last year after falling off a scale while checking her fluid intake for her congestive heart failure.
- 32:16It's the first Christmas without her and his grandfather, and Christmas gets really shitty when you don't have family or lose people you love.
- 32:55People cling to Christmas memories and repeat traditions every year, but if you don't have family anymore, the holiday feels empty.
- 33:28When defending himself on long tangents, Tim sounds like he's on the stand explaining some heinous crime to a disbelieving prosecutor.
UCB EastSanta ClausNorman RockwallObamacareBobbyMcDougal Street
- 5 min
Christmas Is Really for the Rich
#Tim describes his wealthy grandfather's opulent Long Island Christmases with giant trees and prime rib, arguing that Christmas nostalgia is really about wealth and material connection, not just togetherness.
8moments
- 34:11Tim's grandfather was wealthy with a big Long Island home and massive Christmas tree—Christmas really is for the rich.
- 34:50Christmas Eve tradition: nanny made broccoli soup, prime rib dinner, and the whole family gathered together.
- 36:16Tim feels bad for people forced through the holidays without at least a tangential connection to wealth.
- 36:39Argument over Christmas's purpose—Tim insists it's about the actual material things you can touch, not just human connection.
- 37:08Memory of attending a beautiful church in Muttontown where wealthy people in mink coats and furs filled the pews smelling of Chanel and expensive fragrances.
- 37:54Tim had chicken pox as a kid and stayed with his poor parents instead of his wealthy grandfather—his dad got his nose broken in a bar fight and the grandfather refused to pay for surgery.
- 38:27Grandfather walked in with two garbage bags full of presents and dumped them everywhere—it was the most fun.
- 38:40Girlfriend accuses Tim of being conditioned by his grandfather to care about material things instead of human connection, which robbed him of genuine relationships.
Long IslandBergdorf'sRockefeller CenterSt. Pat's
- 4 min
Midnight Mass, Mink Coats, and Grandpa's Garbage Bags of Presents
#More memories of extravagant church and family Christmases, his grandfather delivering hefty bags of gifts, and a tangent about wanting to volunteer as a hospital Santa but never getting approved.
9moments
- 38:57Tim says he feels bad for people who can't provide Christmas gifts for their families.
- 39:23Volunteering as Santa is nearly impossible; Tim has tried multiple times and can't get approved.
- 40:00Every Christmas movie preaches that the holiday isn't about material things while depicting characters in mansions and beautiful suburban homes.
- 40:32Christmas Vacation is Tim's favorite Christmas film.
- 40:54Scrooged with Denis Leary is great and fucking funny.
- 41:18It's a Wonderful Life is a favorite, though it's a little depressing.
- 41:30Tim jokes about writing a book called 'The Decomposing Body Next Door' as a take on The Millionaire Next Door.
- 41:50His favorite Christmas gift as a kid was a two-sided dildo.
- 42:02Trapped in Paradise with Nicolas Cage, Dana Carvey, and Jon Lovitz is a great film.
Christmas VacationIt's a Wonderful LifeScroogeDennis LearyElfMixed NutsTrapped in ParadiseAdam Sandler+6 more
- 4 min
Favorite Christmas Movies and Gifts
#Tim and Ray trade favorite Christmas movies (Trapped in Paradise, Christmas Vacation, Scrooge, Mixed Nuts) and favorite childhood gifts, including Ray's Super Nintendo and Tim's Disney World trip.
9moments
- 42:30Clifford is one of Tim's favorite movies ever.
- 42:53Getting a Super Nintendo last year was a very big moment.
- 43:10Tim's favorite Christmas tradition is going out to a nice dinner, which he didn't realize other restaurants besides Chinese places did.
- 43:31The last couple of years Tim's been doing Christmas in the city with his uncle's private room at a restaurant.
- 44:05As an Irish family, now that Tim's stopped drinking, Christmas is just another day and not particularly enjoyable.
- 44:26Working freelance means taking Christmas Eve off means losing money, creating uncertainty about whether he's full-time or not.
- 44:52Tim worked the morgue on Christmas, which never closed and had double homicides.
- 45:40When Tim was a juror on a murder trial, the medical examiner couldn't count how many times the victim was stabbed—there were too many wounds.
- 45:54The guy who did it probably got three to six years, though it wasn't the worst thing Tim saw working the morgue.
King Cole barCharles GrodinClifford
- 6 min
Christmas at the Morgue: The Frozen Four-Year-Old
#Tim recalls working the morgue on Christmas, including a grim case of a four-year-old who froze to death in a freezer after witnessing his mother's murder, describing the mundane, clinical tools used to process bodies.
10moments
- 46:06Tim describes a four-year-old who thawed out after being frozen to death in a freezer while his mother was stabbed.
- 46:31Babies who died at the morgue were brought in containers like Costco deli pails.
- 47:16Tim explains he never shied away as a kid from knowing about bombing and killing around the world.
- 47:42At 18, drunk in a hammock eating lobster, Tim asked himself if it was possible that America were the good guys.
- 48:07Working at the morgue at 26 interested Tim because of how detached modern life is from death and nature.
- 48:33People don't witness accidental death—they don't see how a car accident tears apart a body or what it does to internal organs.
- 49:25The morgue taught Tim simultaneous appreciation for how resilient and how fragile the human body is.
- 49:51Things that kill people are often things that 99 times out of 100 wouldn't kill you, like hitting your head on a door frame.
- 50:41The morgue's fluorescent lighting and mundane approach to death makes everything clinical and matter-of-fact.
- 51:04Morgue workers use kitchen spatulas like pancake flippers to take slices of the brain during autopsies.
- 4 min
Desensitization, Mortality, and the Deaf Coworker
#Discussion of how working at the morgue shaped Tim's view of mortality and resilience of the body, denies understanding serial killers, and describes a deaf coworker at the morgue.
8moments
- 51:45Tim argues that working in a morgue wouldn't devalue life but would make it more precious.
- 52:26He was a morgue photographer responsible for flipping bodies and handling other tasks.
- 52:54Tim describes his coworker—a six-foot-five deaf man who looked like a biker but was kind and whiny.
- 53:14Deaf people see the world differently and are very—Tim's observation trails off.
- 53:50Working as a juror on a murder trial impacted him greatly and led to coming out of the closet and starting stand-up comedy.
- 54:10Tim asks if working in a morgue helps understand serial killers and people who dismember and disembowel.
- 54:40He acknowledges a curiosity about what happens in the natural world, but draws a line at doing such things for self-pleasure.
- 55:12Tim was given a top hat by Ralph Sutton, which may have come from a porn star.
- 6 min
Aleppo, ISIS, and CIA Proxy Wars
#Tim and Ray discuss the Syrian civil war, whether the US indirectly created or stoked ISIS through funding allies like Saudi Arabia and Qatar, and speculate on CIA competence and political directives shaping military intervention.
10moments
- 55:48Tim distinguishes between hating Assad and hating ISIS, noting the original rebels became al-Nusra and other factions.
- 56:11The Syrian conflict isn't just Assad versus rebels but Assad versus proxies, with different factions competing for control.
- 56:43Tim questions whether ISIS is a complete shock to the US given that Saudi Arabia and Qatar fund ISIS and the US indirectly funds them.
- 57:17If you take a cynical but objective approach, it's not shocking that American actions could stoke these fires in the Middle East.
- 58:04Calling the US role 'indirect' is being generous—there's direct involvement with double agents, turning people, and military operations.
- 58:45Special forces were involved in Syria during the Arab Spring, airstrikes happened, and the US armed rebels, possibly instigating the war from the start.
- 59:13Beyond textbook CIA functions of keeping America safe and collecting intelligence, Tim asks what else the agency is actually doing.
- 1:00:01The CIA receives political directives from the NSC without real understanding of the parties involved, creating a disconnect between policy and ground reality.
- 1:00:37Presidents give vague orders like not getting too violent with rebels to avoid bad optics, while people on the ground see the strategic necessity of more aggressive action.
- 1:01:40Every military intervention the US has conducted more than 15 years ago eventually comes out to have been done for business interests, usually pipelines.
Bashar AssadCIAISISDonald TrumpQatarSaudi ArabiaAmerican military interventionsBarack Obama+1 more
- 3 min
Tim runs down upcoming live shows at the Stand and Caroline's, TimDillonComedy.com tour dates, Twitter handles, teases 2017 guests like David Icke, and closes the Christmas episode.
8moments
- 1:02:09Live podcast at the Stand on the 28th at 6:30 PM where people can talk about Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or Saturnalia.
- 1:02:26Tim and Dan St. Germain doing the Mashup show at the Stand that night at 8 PM, followed by Dan's solo hour at 10 PM.
- 1:02:48TimDillonComedy.com is the new website with tour dates posted.
- 1:03:08Tim will be on High Society Radio Thursday at 8 PM discussing Ray Kump.
- 1:03:31Archives available to subscribers with episodes featuring guests like Russ Baker, David Talbot on Kennedy and the CIA, and the director of Johnny and Norine.
- 1:04:04Many episodes with comedians Dan Soder and Bobby Kelly, plus numerous episodes with just Tim and Ray.
- 1:04:23Working to book David Icke and other guests for 2017.
- 1:04:35Tim asks listeners to support the show by taking money from family stockings or kids' savings accounts.
Dan St. GermainBobby KellyDan SoderDavid TalbotRuss BakerThe StandLou PearlmanCarolines+3 more