Episode 18 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Vice President Kump
Nov 8, 2016 · 1:08:56 · 21 segments, 148 moments indexed
- 1 min
Cold Open: Election Day, GaS Digital Intro
#Show open with the GaS Digital Network bumper, then Tim and Ray Kump kick off election night coverage, immediately mocking "I Voted" stickers and comparing the sticker frenzy to Nuremberg laws.
2moments
- 0:14Tim Dillon Is Going To Hell — the show's premise of critically examining society's designated villains.
- 0:33Tim opens Election Day episode with greeting to audience.
- 2 min
Voting Shame and the Eggs Benedict Nap
#Tim admits he skipped voting, blaming a nap and an upset stomach from an eggs Benedict breakfast, and jokes about being registered in Long Island and unable to vote in New York.
4moments
- 0:47I-voted stickers make him want to plunge a pan into someone's neck.
- 1:02Tim mocks people posting their voting stickers on Instagram and explaining their votes on Facebook.
- 1:15Voting is the absolute least you can do, but society rewards it like an accomplishment.
- 1:46He skipped voting to have eggs Benedict, coffee, and orange juice at a diner in Queens.
- 4 min
The Fake Apartment Fire Story
#Tim tells a long story about panicking that he left his gas stove on before a taping of Big Jay's "What's Your Fucking Deal," lying to producers that his apartment was on fire, and the fallout backstage with Bennington and Joe List.
8moments
- 3:04Tim decides to tell what happened yesterday involving election day insanity.
- 3:28On the subway to the shoot, Tim starts feeling like he left his gas stove on after making a turkey burger.
- 3:53He texts the apartment owner, a Ukrainian woman whose nephew is a skinhead sanitation worker, asking him to check if the stove is on.
- 4:11The nephew texts back saying they're not home and Tim better not have left it on, so Tim decides to jump in a cab back to Queens.
- 4:38Embarrassed about being late, Tim texts Rebecca and Christine Evans claiming his apartment is on fire as an excuse.
- 5:06When he gets back to the apartment, the stove is fine, but now he's wasted money and time.
- 5:31Bennington told Tim a story that perfectly illustrates comedy and how people react to emergencies on set.
- 5:46When someone mentions Tim's apartment is on fire, another crew member immediately asks if they can get Joe List for the 8 o'clock slot instead.
BenningtonWhat's Your Fucking DealJoe ListDan SoderDonald Trump
- 2 min
Living Like a Crack House and Past Taping Horror Stories
#Riffing on Tim's messy apartment and Russian roommate, then comparing the ideal quick taping to the usual multi-hour ordeal, including a memory of shooting in rich kids' kitchen in Brooklyn Heights.
4moments
- 6:17Tim describes his living situation as being raided by the DEA—a crack house with no crack.
- 6:46The adrenaline of worrying he might have burned his house down before the taping actually helped him perform better.
- 7:02Tim complains that tapings are multi-hour events with endless waiting, hair, makeup, and rooms designed to make you anxious.
- 7:21A past taping took place in a rich kid's Brooklyn Heights kitchen where he fiddled with their almond butter.
- 4 min
Podesta Emails, Spirit Cooking, and Pizzagate Code Words
#A deep dive into the leaked Podesta emails, Marina Abramovic's spirit cooking dinner, and the theories about pedophile code words like 'hot dog,' 'walnut,' and 'pasta,' with Ray and Tim debating how literally to take it.
8moments
- 8:13John Podesta is a weird guy who was invited to Marina Abramovic's spirit cooking dinner.
- 8:33Spirit cooking is an Alistair Crowley ritual involving titty milk, menstrual blood, and semen painted on walls.
- 8:51The Podesta brothers are among the most powerful lobbyists in Washington, central to Obama and Hillary's political operations.
- 9:16Tim examines the leaked Podesta emails and the alleged pedophile code words like 'walnut sauce' and 'hot dog.'
- 10:01Someone emails Podesta about dreaming of his 'hot dog stand in Hawaii'—interpreted as code for young children.
- 10:25Tim calls the interpretations sickening and admits you have to hope it isn't true, though he suspects it probably is.
- 10:45Tim argues the emails constitute a code, though debate continues whether it necessarily points to child abuse.
- 11:05Podesta is a gourmand and the emails reference dissolving kids' bodies in tubs of lye.
John PodestaPodesta brothersMarina AbramovicAlistair CrowleyThelemaNick Brown
- 2 min
Alex Jones's Tonal Whiplash and the Baker Comparison
#Tim describes watching Alex Jones swing from talking about murdered children to reading ad copy for silver bullet supplements, then wonders whether power players like James Baker are similarly compromised versus Podesta.
5moments
- 11:24Tim has been watching Alex Jones daily for the past week.
- 12:18Nobody asked Jones on TV appearances to explain what he meant by specific claims like hot dog stands in Hawaii.
- 12:47Tim notes that Baker is connected to that world too, but stays completely out of sight.
- 13:03Tim questions why Baker doesn't appear in released emails like Podesta's do.
- 13:19Julian Assange writes with a monk pen on parchment and sends communications by raven.
- 3 min
Shannon delivers the first batch of election results (Indiana/Kentucky for Trump, Vermont for Clinton), leading into a riff about early smug predictions Trump had no chance, then playing and mocking Gary Johnson's infamous inability to name a foreign leader.
8moments
- 13:49Early returns show Trump winning Indiana and Kentucky, Clinton winning Vermont, giving Trump a 19-3 electoral lead.
- 14:24Tim predicts the race will be closer than people want to admit.
- 14:47People who said Trump had no chance in the primary were smug and underestimated his viability.
- 15:03Alex Jones supporters genuinely believe Trump will save the Republic, a claim Tim finds dumb.
- 15:30Tim wonders why there's no candidate with showmanship who isn't completely extreme or easy to co-opt.
- 15:51Hand-distributing flyers for a cause is futile because you lose faith in the people you're trying to educate.
- 16:21Tim mocks Barack Obama and cites a Trump rally where someone called for assassination, saying the rhetoric is out of control.
- 16:38Mob rule and popular sentiment have shifted dramatically since Ben Carson was a topic of discussion.
Hillary ClintonAlex JonesBarack ObamaBill ClintonDonald TrumpRuss BakerBen Carson
- 4 min
Long Island Open Mic Memories and the Trump Rally Origin Story
#Tim recounts the origins of the podcast — late-night drives with Ray from open mics, Taco Bell runs, and mozzarella stick arguments — then tells the story of a Trump rally where a grieving father's speech got an awkward reaction, tying it to whether Trump can actually govern.
9moments
- 16:57Ray and Tim's car ride conversations after Long Island open mics became the original podcast concept.
- 17:14Tim and Ray's diet on the road was mostly Taco Bell, McDonald's, and 24-hour bagel shops.
- 17:46A bagel shop forced them to sit outside on the street during freezing February weather because the inside was allegedly closed.
- 18:07Tim recalls watching a Trump rally where a man who lost his son blamed an illegal immigrant, and Ray's reaction captured the surreal absurdity.
- 18:42Tim argues that ultimately not much changes regardless of who wins, because the system limits what any president can accomplish.
- 18:56Trump says racist demagoguery intentionally to get attention rather than from genuine belief, which raises the question of whether cynicism is better or worse.
- 19:30Naming effective governors is difficult; Clinton and Reagan are offered as examples of presidents who could actually get things done.
- 19:51Reagan and Tip O'Neill could compromise and have a drink together after disagreements, something impossible in today's partisan climate where parties view each other as enemies.
- 20:26Both parties now refuse to compromise on fundamental issues unless they involve shared interests like political survival and power consolidation.
Donald TrumpBill ClintonReaganTip O'NeillRay Kump
- 3 min
Another Shannon update on Georgia, New Hampshire, Virginia, Florida polling, followed by a discussion of whether all politicians are secretly blackmailed or compromised in some way.
7moments
- 21:10Gary Johnson polls at 3% in the 2016 presidential race.
- 21:24Tim: Gary Johnson is criminal in what he doesn't know.
- 21:52Why there's no viable third party, illustrated by Johnson unable to name a single foreign leader.
- 22:30Johnson has an Aleppo moment trying to name the former president of Mexico.
- 22:54Naming a foreign leader shouldn't be a gotcha question, but it was asked that way.
- 23:14Tim: How did we get to a point where a presidential candidate can't name any foreign leader?
- 23:29Either 85% of political figures have blackmail on them or everyone's just tainted in different ways.
Gary JohnsonDonald TrumpHillary ClintonShimon PeresChris Matthews
- 5 min
Reliable Office Systems: The Staten Island Commute From Hell
#Tim tells an extended story about his hellish telemarketing job in Tottenville, Staten Island, describing the brutal multi-hour train-ferry-bus commute, tying into a Staten Island election update from Shannon.
7moments
- 24:14Tim argues that long-term powerful politicians in Congress likely have some form of control system running them, and that more people are tainted than most would imagine.
- 25:27Tim describes his hellish commute to a telemarketing job at Reliable Office Systems in Tottenville, Staten Island, the furthest point on the island.
- 25:56His commute from Hell's Kitchen involved taking the train to the ferry, then waiting for a bus that often didn't show up on time.
- 26:48The bus ride alone took an hour and 20 minutes, compared to a 20-minute drive, because it dropped people off across the island.
- 27:20Tim's full commute involved a train to a boat to a bus just to reach the office, then the entire journey again to get home.
- 27:51He worked this commute for four months before being moved to the Manhattan office, then left for a tour guide job.
- 28:02Tim once shot a wedding in Staten Island where the bride was a cop and the groom was a laborer—described them as real monsters.
- 4 min
Snorting Coke in the Galant on Highland Boulevard
#A wild personal story about doing drugs (Percocet, Vicodin, cocaine) with his mortgage-selling secretary Lisa in Staten Island, including a car crash and a memorable encounter with a friendly local woman, then a comparison to Mob Wives-style Staten Island culture.
10moments
- 28:20Tim used to sell mortgages in Staten Island before becoming a comic.
- 28:40He pulled over on Highland Boulevard in a beat-up Mitsubishi Galant and crashed it with his secretary Lisa in the passenger seat.
- 29:03Tim and Lisa would drive around together getting cash to buy Vicodin and Percocets.
- 29:40On the difference between opioids: oxys produce the most intense feeling, morphine makes you feel like you're fucking floating.
- 30:04Tim used to work at a morgue on Long Island where there was a heroin resurgence and lots of overdoses with track marks.
- 30:35Whatever car he was in, Tim would pull over on Highland Boulevard and do lines of coke.
- 31:08Tim suggests doing a remote show from Staten Island, maybe live from the Staten Island Ferry.
- 31:31A friend's girlfriend worked as a production assistant on Mob Wives and revealed the show manipulated drunk cast members into fights by spreading rumors.
- 32:23Tim enjoyed Mob Wives as entertainment, though others claim watching inferior lives makes their own seem better.
- 32:34Tim felt the opposite—the people on those shows seemed to have better lives than his own.
Staten IslandMob WivesAngelinasGood Fellas PizzaBudDrita
- 4 min
State-by-State Election Predictions
#Tim and Ray go through predictions for individual states, with Tim comically slipping and saying "Canada" instead of "California," then discussing what they're even supposed to be doing filling time before the Chris Gethard special.
10moments
- 32:58Trump has won West Virginia and is leading in South Carolina.
- 34:11Tim and the guest move into state-by-state election predictions.
- 34:32Predictions for Ohio, Florida, and the broader electoral map with East and West Coast advantages for Clinton.
- 34:59Montana gets dismissed as having only seven people and being irrelevant to the election.
- 35:26Rapid-fire state predictions: Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the Dakotas.
- 35:40Tim accidentally says Canada Clinton instead of California Clinton.
- 36:06The Canada mistake gets repeated and amplified with increasingly absurd international predictions.
- 36:25Tim speculates they're supposed to do heavy cleanup on Chris Gethard's nine-hour election broadcast.
- 36:41Tim jokes about immediately attacking the audience by questioning what carrot means.
- 36:55When asked who won the election, Tim declares himself the winner and tells everyone to go home.
Chris GethardDan St. GermainDonald TrumpHillary ClintonJustinLester HoltShannon
- 3 min
Bus Tour Pedophile Joke and Clinton's Boring First 100 Days
#A quick riff about a crowd-work bus tour bit involving a father-son pair and pedophile speculation, then speculation about what Hillary Clinton's first 100 days would actually look like versus Bush's.
5moments
- 37:18Tim jokes about a man and child on the street being either a father-son pair or a pedophile who bought a kid at an auction.
- 37:46Trump's first hundred days will be nothing compared to what people expect.
- 38:43Clinton's first hundred days will be four boring years of minuscule changes and careful political maneuvering focused on reelection.
- 39:01Criminal justice reform is necessary because the system is a nightmare.
- 39:41Supreme Court nomination controversy over whether decisions should happen in an election year.
criminal justice systemDonald TrumpNew York Comedy FestivalGeorge W. BushHillary Clinton
- 3 min
Long Island 'Full Service Comedy' and Struggle the Comedian
#Tim mocks the Long Island comedy scene, mispronouncing Merrick Garland as 'Mel Garlic,' and rips into local comedy bookers advertising 'full service comedy shows' for holiday parties with hacky ethnic impressions.
9moments
- 40:10Long Island comedians become producers instead, thinking they'll build Live Nation empires.
- 40:22Tim explains what "full service comedy" means: MC, feature act, and headliners packaged together.
- 40:46A full service show includes eggplant rollatini, someone doing an Asian voice, talk about Jews—the whole package.
- 41:02These pasta shows happen in empty, cavernous Long Island Italian restaurants that feel like catering halls.
- 41:37The Long Island comedy scene is hilarious because delusional guys think they're doing something significant.
- 42:02This particular guy's entire act is bad imitations, worse than his friend's imitations.
- 42:16Young comedians think it's great to go to LA in winter but end up at 9 PM open mics in the cold, dead Long Island wind.
- 42:28Long Island in winter is empty and dead, creating an emptiness in the air that drives people to drugs.
- 42:44Long Island comes alive in spring and summer, with fall bringing apples and other bullshit.
- 4 min
Tim lays out his ideal annual schedule of living in NYC and LA to avoid dead Long Island winters, then Shannon gives an update on Florida results and the discussion turns to exit poll unreliability, comparing it to Bush v. Kerry 2004.
9moments
- 43:00Tim's vision of a perfect life: New York City from May to December, California from January to May.
- 43:37Tim can't live in Tampa or Miami and do comedy the way he wants to—Florida's a career problem for him.
- 44:16Election correspondent Shannon reports Trump is leading in early voting, explains it as people with nothing to do voting early.
- 44:53Tim asks if Clinton was leading in Florida before the early returns came in—Shannon says Trump was always ahead.
- 45:09Exit polls were wrong in 2004 because people don't want to admit they're voting for Bush but they do anyway.
- 45:2770% of people leaving the polls said they wanted a strong leader—a strong dictator, according to the data.
- 45:58Tim wonders if Trump is smart enough to realize the deep state will try to co-opt or take him out if he wins.
- 46:52If Trump wins, the media, pollsters, and pundits should lose their jobs—they've been wrong about everything.
- 47:09Tim says the 2004 exit polls were wrong but most people thought that race would be close anyway.
Donald TrumpGeorge W. BushFloridaBill ClintonKennedyLos AngelesNew York City
- 5 min
The Chester A. Arthur Bit: Ray as Accidental President
#A long improvised sketch imagining Ray Kump as accidental president Chester A. Arthur (a stand-in for a Trump/Pence scenario), including a fake call about assassination, James Baker orchestrating a patsy, and Vice President Cump's bizarre sex doll tangent.
10moments
- 47:38Tim decides to pay attention to Chester A. Arthur instead of the election.
- 47:50Chester A. Arthur was close to being an anarchist and may have been assassinated by one.
- 48:32Arthur found himself president due to his predecessor's assassination.
- 49:00Ray-as-Arthur bit: just became president after someone got killed, then immediately wants to leave.
- 49:34Sketch premise: NSA director calls at 2 AM to tell the sick president he's now acting president.
- 50:48Arthur complains he only became president by accident and wants the people reassured.
- 51:13Arthur asks who picked him to be vice president in the first place.
- 51:33James Baker character instructs Arthur to go shoot Kennedy and stand at the book depository.
- 51:57Shannon realizes the vice president finds out they're president the same way most people do—television.
- 52:25Tim corrects Shannon: they were looking up how an elected person finds out, not how a succession happens.
Chester A. ArthurJames Garfield
- 4 min
Mock Presidential Stump Speeches
#Tim and Ray perform fake one-minute stump speeches as "Senator Cump," riffing on the Federal Reserve, gold standard, pedophile elites, and a joke platform about getting a TrueTV meatball-eating show.
8moments
- 52:51Early election returns: Trump at 50%, Hillary at 47%, with only 3% reporting.
- 53:22Electoral fuckery in Ohio during 2000 and 2004 elections, with ongoing disenfranchisement across the board.
- 53:38Tim admits he was easily distracted from voting by a nearby diner with food.
- 53:59Bit begins: Vice President Cump is in the bathtub with a doll, leading to absurd questioning about specifics.
- 54:39Tim sets up a one-minute presidential stump speech challenge with a clock.
- 55:09Senator Cump's campaign pitch covers the Federal Reserve bubble, the military-industrial complex, and child abuse by politicians on both sides.
- 56:01Tim's presidential stump speech: he wants to be elected to force TrueTV to give him a show about eating meatballs across the country.
- 56:21The phrase 'fucking the kids' returns as both speakers wrap up their speeches.
Donald TrumpFederal Reservemilitary-industrial complexTrue TV2000 United States presidential electionOhio2004 United States presidential electionHillary Clinton+1 more
- 2 min
Why Polls Close Late and the Trump-as-Patsy Theory
#Discussion of why election results trickle in only after polls close state by state, followed by a conspiratorial riff on whether Trump is a controlled 'patsy' being set up and later brought down by shadowy forces.
6moments
- 56:34Tim questions why polls close so late and why vote counts aren't released until after they do.
- 57:33West Virginia voter Cheryl's closing statement on the election via write-in comment.
- 57:57Tim argues Trump is a patsy, not suggesting conspiracy but laying out the mechanics of how the setup might work.
- 58:15The lesson from Trump's rise: you need far more dirt on a patsy than just an old pussy-grabbing tape.
- 58:28Tim explores whether the entire election cycle is engineered—candidates brought up and taken down under control, with Trump as the one who got loose.
- 58:50Speculation that any other Republican would be leading Harris by 10 points in a normal race.
- 5 min
McCain's Black Baby Smear and the GOP's Religious Turn
#Tim recounts the infamous 2000 South Carolina push-poll about McCain's out-of-wedlock black child, then argues the Republican Party became captured by religious extremism and out-of-touch economic messaging, contrasted with working-class Long Island 'lug heads.'
10moments
- 59:19Push polling in South Carolina during McCain's 2000 campaign spread rumors that he had an out-of-wedlock Black child.
- 59:40McCain had a personality and was seen as a maverick compared to Tea Party Republicans, but the GOP claims any Republican could have beaten Clinton.
- 1:00:02The Republican Party became explicitly religious, requiring candidates to oppose Roe v. Wade and gay marriage.
- 1:00:21Republican economic messaging about starting your own business fails when people are bankrupt and companies move jobs overseas.
- 1:01:28Long Island guys who inherit houses from their mothers run around lecturing about fiscal responsibility while doing nothing to earn it.
- 1:02:12Previous generations couldn't get loans and were denied opportunities to create wealth, making it generational.
- 1:02:42Electoral votes update shows Clinton at 44 and Trump at 31 during the election coverage.
- 1:02:57James Baker from the farm is overseeing the election with contingency plans, described as elderly with bloodhound qualities.
- 1:03:33Tim expresses reluctance to believe his heroes are pedophiles, attributing darker behavior to being gangsters instead.
- 1:03:45Closing reflection on the absurdity of the show and who actually listens to it.
Republican PartyJohn McCainBush familyJames BakerDonald TrumpHillary ClintonMarco RubioTed Cruz
- 4 min
James Baker at the Farm and 'Who Listens to This Show'
#A bit imagining James Baker overseeing the election from a secret farm with lye and bloodhounds, followed by Tim marveling that seemingly respectable people are fans of such a deranged show.
7moments
- 1:03:58Tim questions who is actually listening to the show when people claim to love it.
- 1:04:10People describe the show as great while Tim wonders if they're actually hearing what's being said.
- 1:04:40Tim pleads for attendance at Vermont Comedy Club on November 30th to tape something important.
- 1:05:36Travel schedule nightmare: six-hour mega bus to New Hampshire tomorrow, show at midnight, back on bus, then red-eye Thursday night.
- 1:06:26Ray Kump says he never left stand-up, just got a job for a couple months and is building buzz for a return.
- 1:06:52Tim pitches idea for a live podcast episode that has to be ridiculous and insane, possibly at a Taco Bell with James Baker.
- 1:07:25Discussion of doing something stupid on Long Island, maybe a buffet, asking fans to tweet interest without being creative about it.
Vermont Comedy ClubCome and Get It FestProctor's theaterShaskin PubRay KumpJames BakerThe Tim Dillon Show
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates (Vermont Comedy Club, Houston, Massachusetts, Schenectady, New Hampshire), social media handles, floats a live podcast idea at a Taco Bell or Long Island venue, and closes with final election predictions and a goodnight bit.
2moments
- 1:08:03Tim predicts Hillary Clinton will be the next president, finding it all disheartening and pointless.
- 1:08:28Tim jokes about Ray asking his parents at nursery school what he's here for, and deciding he wants to leave.