Episode 347 · Post-Ben
They Come & Go | The Tim Dillon Show #347
May 21, 2023 · 1:08:38 · 412,000 views · 12 segments, 98 moments indexed
Tim wades into whether Meghan Markle cooked up a paparazzi chase, shares why dogs should be barred from restaurants and where Bud Light’s advertising may be heading.
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- 4 min
Tim reports on the closure of LA's Horses restaurant, reading a lurid (and dubious) text claiming the co-owner was masturbating while killing the couple's cats, and reacts to the actual news filings about animal and domestic abuse allegations.
6moments
- Horses Restaurant in Los Angeles is closing amid a scandal involving cat deaths.
- Tim reads a text revealing the co-owner was caught masturbating while choking cats, having killed eight of them.
- The allegations include attempts to feed a cat to coyotes and violently shaking animals at night.
- Co-owner responds by claiming he loves all animals and has had trouble even killing lobsters humanely.
- He alleges his wife is making false accusations to take the business and money through divorce.
- Tim summarizes the story as a tragic tale of a restaurant partnership destroyed by the scandal.
Horses RestaurantLos Angeles
- 10 min
Tim mocks Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's claimed high-speed paparazzi chase through New York, comparing it to a staged echo of Princess Diana's death, and argues the couple are addicted to sympathy and attention as their fame fades in America.
11moments
- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were chased in a high-speed chase throughout New York City, though many people including the cab driver denied it happened.
- Tim started to like them after being annoyed for a while, once they began losing relevance and stopped trying to push their victim narrative.
- They cooked up a false flag event simulating Princess Diana's death in New York, which Tim thinks took creativity and planning.
- People can become addicted to sympathy, and Meghan Markle is one of those people who gets addicted to the feeling of others pitying her.
- Meghan stepped into the role as a Hollywood actress and became interesting by rejecting it immediately and claiming she had no idea what she was getting into.
- They rented a big mansion in Montecito and immediately started monetizing the horrible things they had gone through, making everyone sick of them.
- They're like low-grade reality stars trying to attach themselves to celebrities, with Meghan texting people begging them to hang out.
- Tim describes them inventing a narrative where they were dangerously chased through New York streets, just like Diana would have been.
- Their entire lives are about sucking all the attention and oxygen out of anything they're involved in because it's about their story.
- Meghan is two years away from being on a Real Housewives franchise because she's tanking in a major way and going down.
- Tim predicts they hired the paparazzi to orchestrate the chase, which he expects will eventually come out as the next revelation.
We wish them wellMeghan MarklePrince HarryPrincess DianaSouth ParkNetflixGloria SteinemDodi Al Fayed+2 more
- 7 min
Tim discusses an LA Times piece about Ozempic and the tension with the fat acceptance movement, dismantling online 'fat phobia' quizzes and arguing everyone secretly wants to lose weight.
10moments
- Ozempic is a breakthrough weight-loss drug, but culture simultaneously pushes fat acceptance and fighting fat phobia.
- Robin Abcarrian's op-ed: she's unhappy when fat, happy when thin, yet a fat-phobia quiz certified her as 'fat positive.'
- Culture obsesses over grading itself with quizzes—am I fat phobic, which trans superhero am I—mixing scholarly language with pure nonsense.
- Tim's advice: worry about how you want to look, try to be better, and stop projecting your issues onto others.
- You don't have to tell someone they're beautiful if you don't think they're attractive; that's not fat phobia, that's honesty.
- Beauty is being forced into a political standard instead of remaining in the eye of the beholder.
- Healthy, thin bodies are still more attractive to most people—that's reality, not phobia. Some people are just dicks to fat people.
- Calling yourself a warrior because you're fat is also stupid; it's as dumb as the quiz itself.
- Americans used to have distinct, nuanced personalities from different experiences, but technology and constant self-reflection have flattened everyone into quiz results.
- Ozempic's popularity ultimately proves most people want to lose weight, contradicting the fat-acceptance movement's messaging.
fat acceptanceOzempicRobin Abcarrian
- 3 min
People Getting Paid to Be Professionally Fat
#Continuing the fat acceptance riff, Tim argues activists have invented a fake 'job' out of being aggressively fat online, and jokes he'd trust Meghan Markle more if she were a fat black woman.
4moments
- Most people aren't happy being fat, just like most people aren't happy being drunks.
- Fat activists have invented jobs for themselves—being fat isn't a job, getting paid to eat while calling yourself an activist is the grift.
- Someone writing a fat phobia quiz should be living in a tent; they've invented a livelihood in an economy hemorrhaging actual jobs.
- People making a living by being aggressively fat and writing quizzes about their girth have found a genuine source of income.
- 4 min
Tim covers Ohio plastic surgeon Dr. Roxy, who faces losing her medical license after posting viral TikTok videos of procedures, and reacts to clips while noting she's also being sued by injured patients.
8moments
- Tim questions why authorities are trying to revoke a plastic surgeon's medical license for livestreaming operations on TikTok.
- Dr. Catherine Grahl, known as Dr. Roxy, has been in private practice in Ohio since 2010 and built a social media following with behind-the-scenes surgical videos.
- Tim sees nothing inherently wrong with a plastic surgeon posting behind-the-scenes content showing patients what body alteration actually looks like.
- Three former patients are suing Dr. Roxy after suffering post-surgery injuries that left them unable to stand.
- The real problem emerges when the medical board sees TikTok videos of the surgeon dancing with patients' removed tissue while those same patients are filing injury lawsuits.
- Tim argues you can't twerk with people's fake breasts if you're also going to permanently injure them.
- Dr. Roxy cares more about the camera than her patients, prioritizing social media attention over surgical outcomes.
- Tim concludes that Dr. Roxy is an Ohio plastic surgeon doing her best, dancing around for attention—a sad situation.
Dr. Catherine GrahlDr. RoxyRoxy plastic surgery
- 8 min
Tim goes deep on Lauren Boebert's divorce filing, her husband's history of domestic violence charges, their Vegas wedding, and mocks the couple's 'family values' image while hoping the divorce gets messy for content's sake.
10moments
- Tim expresses sadness that Lauren Boebert and her husband are getting divorced, having thought they would make it.
- Boebert claims she has been faithful in her marriage and believes strongly in it, while these same people yell about gay people ruining lives.
- Tim notes the hypocrisy: Boebert opposes gay marriage claiming it ruins the institution, but can't make her own marriage work.
- Conservatives found Boebert at a Waffle House and told her to put a gun in the air and take her tits out to get into Congress.
- Jason Boebert was blindsided by divorce papers and set his dogs on the process server while drinking beer and cleaning a gun on a table.
- Lauren and Jason Boebert met when she was 16 and have four children together.
- According to Boebert's book, she and Jason met when she was 16 working at Burger King—the kind of people Tim wants running the country.
- In 2004 Jason was charged with domestic violence after he struck, shoved, and kicked his future wife, and later she scratched and assaulted him in May.
- Tim hopes the Boeberts' divorce is incredibly long, vicious, and public because it will give him content for his program, and he wants process servers maimed in the process.
- That would be sad for the kids, but that's what Tim does for a living, so he hopes the divorce is public and vicious anyway.
Lauren BoebertMarjorie Taylor GreeneMeghan MarkleSarah PalinKevin Costner
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Bluetooth/Bluechew, a service delivering generic erectile dysfunction medication online with a discreet delivery process and promo code.
2moments
- Tim says his whole family uses Bluechew together at Christmas.
- The entire process is done online with no doctor's office visit required.
- 7 min
Tim plays and reacts to a local news clip of a family brawl at Disney World's Magic Kingdom over a photo op, riffing on modern newscaster fashion, the type of people who go to Disney, and floating a trip to Shanghai Disneyland instead.
11moments
- A Disney World photo-op fight breaks out when families clash near the Magic Kingdom entrance.
- Tim critiques modern news broadcasters for looking unprofessional and poorly dressed compared to old-school newscasters.
- He expresses disgust at family violence erupting during what should be a magical vacation moment.
- Looking at the crowd footage, Tim describes Disney World attendees as a parade of heinous creatures.
- Tim questions how people with the apparent lack of self-control could afford to visit Disney World.
- He finds irony in conservative criticism of Disney's supposed cultural issues while families brawl on-camera.
- Tim proposes a screening process for Disney World entry, interviewing visitors about their likelihood of getting into fights.
- He refuses to take his Chinese godson to an American Disney park and would choose Shanghai Disneyland instead.
- Shanghai Disneyland employees are supposedly former brawlers who now cannot leave the park.
- Tim considers doing his next special from China rather than America.
- Shanghai Disneyland Park represents the better option for a family trip to a theme park.
Disney WorldShanghai Disneyland ParkRhonda Sanders
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for ExpressVPN, discussing hacking risks and data privacy before pushing the sign-up link and promo offer.
5moments
- A smart 12-year-old could hack someone with cheap hardware; hackers sell personal info to the dark web for up to a thousand dollars per person.
- ExpressVPN encrypts your data in a secure tunnel; it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to break the encryption.
- Tim uses VPNs himself and notes everyone he knows uses Signal, Telegram, or similar encrypted apps because people are becoming aware of surveillance.
- Companies and marketing agencies harvest and sell data; people get marketed to constantly and annoyed, unlike honest ads like this one.
- Tim compares online security to leaving the house: you wouldn't go outside without a gun, so why would you go on the computer without ExpressVPN.
- 14 min
Dogs Don't Belong at Restaurants
#Tim rants at length about new rules allowing dogs in restaurant outdoor spaces, fake service animals, the indignity imposed on other diners, and pivots into an extended riff on the lost dignity of eating alone.
17moments
- Tim argues the US government has made a mistake blessing dogs in restaurant outdoor spaces.
- Service dog certifications are fake and everyone knows it, including people who claim doctor's notes.
- People trying to eat shouldn't have to deal with strangers' dogs; leave them at home.
- At a Tribeca restaurant, a dog was tied to a chair under the table without being fed.
- After 9/11 everyone got a dog, which was fine, but things have escalated from there.
- An outdoor restaurant is still a restaurant, regardless of having no roof.
- A Pakistani Uber driver said they have many dogs in Pakistan—and they don't have names.
- Dogs should fly on a plane once in their life, when their owner moves, not constantly.
- People act like having a dog at a restaurant isn't an imposition, ignoring that everyone bringing one would ruin the experience.
- Tim insists there is dignity in being alone at a restaurant without a pet as emotional crutch.
- Nobody is ever alone anymore due to phones, adopted pets, and group chats constantly intruding.
- Couples bringing dogs to restaurants should be turned away; only lonely people deserve sympathy for needing one.
- An older woman eating alone with a glass of chardonnay demonstrates real dignity, even if anorexic.
- A portly man eating alone at a bar with the bartender shares pleasantries and dignity, unlike someone with a dog.
- Eating alone requires knowing how to do it properly, as seen in New York City restaurants.
- Eating alone in New York is a religion; people watch the restaurant dynamics unfold quietly.
- The dogs don't want to be at restaurants either; they are being dragged against their will.
Meghan MarkleSaint Bernard
- 7 min
Bud Light's Camouflage Bottle Pivot
#Tim discusses Bud Light's new camouflage bottle supporting a veterans charity as an apparent overcorrection after the trans controversy, then spirals into a dark improvised parody of increasingly extreme fake Bud Light ad slogans.
10moments
- Bud Light pivots away from transgender controversy by launching camouflage aluminum bottles supporting Fold of Honor military scholarships
- Bill Hicks bit on sex sells advertising — models fingering themselves to promote products like Coke
- Tim observes Bud Light should have donated to First Responders anyway without needing an uproar to force it
- Tim imagines how far Bud Light's overcorrection could escalate — mock commercials defending controversial historical figures
- Parody Bud Light ad claiming European values built America and rejecting immigration
- Fake Bud Light commercial equivocating on Holocaust death toll with tagline 'Find your own number'
- Satirical Bud Light partnership with 4chan featuring the Happy Merchant meme promoting free speech
- Mock ad attacking transnational bankers and financial systems, promoting manual labor over finance
- Parody commercial showing militarized border wall with border patrol using dogs and guns on migrants
- Fake Bud Light spot promoting traditional values while questioning Israeli art students near the Twin Towers before 9/11
Bud LightMiller LiteBrittany GrinerJoe RoganBill Hicks
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates including Chicago, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Colorado, and Pennsylvania, plugs his ticket site, and signs off.
4moments
- Tim announces upcoming tour dates at timberlandcomedy.com, including Chicago Theater and the Masonic in San Francisco
- Vegas shows scheduled for Saturday July 22nd at the Encore Theater at Wynn Las Vegas
- Tim hasn't performed in Vegas in a very long time and expresses excitement about returning
- Tim thanks everyone except Meghan Markle and signs off