Episode 316 · The Ben Avery Era
The Off Season | The Tim Dillon Show #316
Sep 18, 2022 · 1:11:42 · 560,000 views · 18 segments, 126 moments indexed
Tim Dillon imagines another world where "junk food" (donuts, tacos, sweets) is not a bad thing, the terrible tragedy and crime Ron DeSantis committed this week, how he's handling moving again in Los Angeles, and how much merch we need to…
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- 3 min
Launching the Merch Line: Solving Homelessness Through Fashion
#Tim announces his new clothing line at TimDillonComedy.com, framing it as a serious philanthropic mission tied to Fashion Week, name-dropping Christian Dior and claiming ambassador status in the fashion world.
6moments
- Tim describes the merch as 'a solution' that the show has spent considerable time brainstorming, not just standard merchandise.
- The goal was to actually get involved and produce real results rather than sit on the sidelines making jokes like most other podcasts.
- Tim claims to be an ambassador for many brands and is asked to walk for major fashion houses like Christian Dior every year during Fashion Week.
- He turned down Dior this year specifically because he's launching his own clothing line instead.
- Fashion industry people—including French nationals in the Hamptons and South of France—constantly ask him when his line will drop.
- The newly launched fashion line is designed for everyday people, with profits going toward addressing homelessness.
- 4 min
The $5 Homelessness Math Bit
#Tim does absurd, increasingly convoluted math about donating $5 to homeless causes for every $400,000/$800 million in revenue, insisting every little bit helps.
9moments
- Tim explains his merch store operates at roughly a 50% profit margin on $800,000 revenue.
- For every $400,000 in profit, he's donating $5 to address homelessness in Los Angeles.
- He invokes the phrase 'every little bit helps' and compares it to the acting saying about small roles and small actors.
- Tim responds to hypothetical critics asking if he's giving too much by saying he'd rather be on the side of giving.
- He walks through the math: $5 times $1,000 equals $5,000, establishing a baseline donation formula.
- Tim recalculates for a hypothetical $800 million in merch revenue, which would yield $400 million in profit.
- Working through the donation amount from $400 million profit, he arrives at $5,000 to help homelessness in Los Angeles.
- He challenges other creators to adopt similar donation pledges as part of his mission.
- Tim claims he's staying in New York City instead of his desert studio compound because he believes in this homelessness cause.
- 1 min
He continues pitching the merch store, joking about blanket funds for homeless babies and demoing how easy the website is with Francis.
3moments
- Tim pitches ordering merch with the promise that proceeds fund blankets for homeless babies.
- Homeless babies will be swaddled in new blankets if you buy from TimDillonComedy.com.
- Tim calls the business a "fake business" and describes it as "a real knife fight out here."
homeless babiesTimDillonComedy.comWe wish them wellFake business
- 6 min
Food Neutrality and Decolonizing Diet Culture
#Tim and his guest dig into an LA Unified School District Instagram promotion pushing 'food neutrality,' arguing there's no difference between carrots and carrot cake, and mocking the idea that judging food choices is bigoted.
10moments
- Tim discusses an article arguing that junk food is no longer a meaningful category and that worrying about diet is a form of mental colonization.
- A company hired a woman from Africa to promote the idea that focusing on healthy eating is inherently bigoted and that people should eat without guilt.
- Tim suspects that people obsessed with lean meats, healthy fats, and good carbs are fascists, though he admits he's only now learning this was laid out in theory.
- If your body feels sick after eating junk food, that's actually your body reinforcing racist and bigoted attitudes rather than a physical response.
- The LA School District shared a viral video promoting food neutrality to teach children there is no difference between healthy food and unhealthy food.
- Tim jokes that teaching children there's no difference between a carrot and carrot cake is Nazi ideology.
- Food neutrality is compared to net neutrality, a concept nobody actually understood but everyone debated intensely.
- There are only three legitimately bad foods: rotten food, poisoned food, and food poisoned like Putin poisoned Litvinenko with polonium.
- Food neutrality means eating whatever you want without guilt—ice cream, cake, candy—and refusing vegetables if you don't want them.
- A school district is promoting this no-guilt eating philosophy to children on Instagram, which is probably less harmful than TikTok but still crazy.
LA Unified School DistrictKara Niam Deopfood culture and nutrition
- 2 min
They reveal the woman behind the viral food neutrality video works for Mondelez (Oreo, Chips Ahoy) and play the actual promotional clip, mocking its logic about diet culture and false food hierarchies.
7moments
- The woman in the viral video works for Mondelez International, which owns Chips Ahoy and Oreo.
- Tim requests to see the actual Mondelez promo video that sparked the controversy.
- The promo claims diet culture and fatphobia have created false hierarchies of food.
- You do not need to earn food through exercise, despite what society teaches from childhood.
- Moralizing food as good or bad can lead to harmful relationships with eating.
- The only genuinely bad foods are those containing allergens, poisons, or contaminants.
- Tim riffs on the video's logic: frozen food could also hurt you if someone hits you with it.
diet cultureMondelez InternationalOreoChips Ahoy
- 6 min
Narcotics Neutrality and Meth Culture
#Tim extends the food neutrality logic to drugs, coining 'narcotics neutrality' and arguing crack, heroin, and meth culture shouldn't be stigmatized any more than junk food, riffing on meth cooking as a legitimate culture.
9moments
- Tim advocates for "food neutrality" — rejecting shame and guilt around eating whatever you want.
- Scientists established false hierarchies of food without accounting for cultural realities like Lizzo.
- Tim extends the logic to narcotics, proposing "narcotics neutrality" as a radical concept.
- No difference exists between drinking tea and smoking meth; both are equally neutral choices.
- Negative stereotypes about meth users — Southern, untrustworthy, mail-stealing parents — are taught by a criminalizing system.
- Meth culture is groups making meth in barns and abandoned buildings, a legitimate culture that shouldn't be criminalized by outsiders.
- The Los Angeles Unified School District's human relations department shared this message on Instagram.
- Tim recalls his friend Ryan's alcoholic parents living in filth and hitting him, but they were early adopters of food neutrality.
- Ryan's parents bought Lucky Charms and premium cereals because they understood food neutrality before it became mainstream.
Los Angeles Unified School DistrictLizzo
- 1 min
Ryan's House and Early Food Neutrality Pioneers
#Tim recalls a childhood friend Ryan whose alcoholic, abusive parents had the best cereal and candy, framing them as early adopters of food neutrality.
1moment
- Tim says he's happy to embrace the way of the world
- 2 min
Tim reads a Masterworks sponsorship, touting art investment returns of 29% and comparing it to Paul Allen's art hoarding, encouraging listeners to sign up via masterworks.art/Tim.
3moments
- Tim has been talking to Masterworks about their art investment platform.
- Tim notes that billionaires like Microsoft founder Paul Allen hoard art because they know it appreciates.
- Masterworks has sold six paintings for an average return of 29% to investors.
- 2 min
Standard ExpressVPN read about privacy risks on public Wi-Fi and home internet providers selling browsing data, with a promo code for three free months.
4moments
- Network admins can log every site you visit, even in incognito mode.
- US internet providers can legally sell your browsing data to advertisers.
- ExpressVPN encrypts your data with a one-button app that works on all devices.
- Tim promotes his ExpressVPN link for three months free and claims everyone he knows uses it.
- 9 min
DeSantis, Martha's Vineyard, and Migrant Real Estate Etiquette
#Tim riffs at length on DeSantis sending migrants to Martha's Vineyard 'off season,' treating it as a real estate and social-calendar issue rather than a political one, joking about renting first and assimilating into the Hamptons/vineyard/Palm Beach seasonal culture.
10moments
- DeSantis sending migrants to Martha's Vineyard after Labor Day is cruel because it's off-season.
- The real season on Martha's Vineyard, the Cape, and Nantucket runs from Memorial Day through Labor Day.
- In fall, wealthy people spend time in New York; in winter they go to Aspen, Jackson Hole, or St. Barth's.
- Sending migrants off-season means they miss all the good parties and networking.
- Fall on Martha's Vineyard is about LARPing as a poor person with big sweatshirts and old jeans.
- Immigrants need to assimilate into the culture: Hamptons and Vineyard in summer, Palm Beach in winter, New York in spring and fall.
- If migrants are looking at houses off-season to avoid heat and traffic, Tim can respect that.
- Tim explains to every migrant he meets that Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket are their own thing with older money and finance people.
- Migrants should rent first, not buy immediately, to figure out which resort destination suits them.
- DeSantis is sadistic for sending migrants off-season to the Vineyard without telling them to rent first and understand the culture.
Ron DeSantisMartha's Vineyardmigrants
- 7 min
The Non-Disparagement Clause at 10000 Santa Monica
#Tim rants about his dumpy LA apartment building 10,000 Santa Monica, the junkies, Steve Bing's suicide there, and a bizarre non-disparagement clause he was tricked into e-signing when moving out.
11moments
- Tim's apartment building 10,000 Santa Monica sent him a non-disparagement clause to sign when leaving his lease.
- The building is a dump for rich people whose lives didn't work out—divorce dads, Russian Instagram influencers, and shut-out Saudi royalty.
- It's a new money zoo full of junkies; police roam the halls keeping drug addicts in their cells and sorting pills to settle them down.
- Steve Bing jumped out of one of the windows and splattered himself all over the valley—these are all facts about the building.
- The non-disparagement clause prohibits negative statements about the building or its staff, calling any criticism a breach of the lease agreement.
- Tim will never stop saying it's a dump and vows to mention it on every media appearance because they tried to silence him.
- The e-signature on the document couldn't be deleted, but Tim emailed the landlord refusing to sign it and invoking his constitutional rights.
- Tim has too many lawyers to worry about legal action; the building doesn't want a high-profile battle with him.
- Tim notes he was one of the few residents actually paying rent while everyone else was on drugs.
- The building caters to divorced wealthy families who bring their sad kids to see the view and remember when they were together.
- Tim wishes everyone well and says the building is good if you need it, then moves on.
10,000 Santa MonicaSteve BingIda
- 2 min
A ShipStation sponsor read about e-commerce shipping logistics, integration with Amazon/Etsy/eBay/Shopify, and a promo code for a free trial.
5moments
- Tim explains why ShipStation matters: e-commerce is driving the economy and everyone's working from home or starting their own businesses.
- Small business owners should focus on creativity and innovation, not the back-office work of shipping and order tracking.
- ShipStation integrates with every shopping cart and storefront to make products easier to find, manage, and deliver to customers.
- Tim notes ShipStation works with Amazon, Etsy, eBay, and Shopify, letting you manage all shipping from one dashboard.
- Promo code TimDillon gets a free 60-day trial at ShipStation.com, or click the microphone icon at the top of the site.
- 11 min
How to Be Popular: Choosing Your High School Personality
#Tim promotes his Patreon episode 'How to Be Popular,' laying out a taxonomy of teen personalities (dead-dad girl, gay guy with a girlfriend, damaged girl who just moved here, fat girl with dietary restrictions, doomed hot guy) and insisting kids must commit to one archetype to gain popularity.
10moments
- Tim explains that his earlier 'How to Be Popular' episode provided a practical roadmap for gaining social status in school.
- The strategy: find the weakest member of the popular group, befriend them, and gradually replace them to work your way up the social hierarchy.
- Most students today are unprepared for social life and don't know how to be someone people want to hang out with.
- Tim's controversial claim: if you have no friends, it is your fault—not because you're a misunderstood genius waiting to be discovered.
- With the internet available, there's no excuse for not finding a friend group; 90% of it can happen online without leaving your house.
- One viable personality archetype: being someone whose parent died, making it your complete identity across all social interactions.
- You cannot create your own personality—you must choose from established archetypes and commit to one entirely.
- Women are often smart except when it comes to love, frequently pursuing men far below their level.
- Personality options include a white guy adopting drill rapper style, or a quiet non-binary person in Doc Martens with sewage green hair—but you must fully commit.
- Examples of consistent personalities: the hot guy destined for violent death, or the fat girl with dietary restrictions who remains massive while complaining about everything she won't eat.
- 5 min
Building Your Brand and the Coming Fat-Acceptance Reckoning
#He extends the personality bit into advice about personal branding, then pivots into predicting an inevitable cultural backlash against extreme fat acceptance, riffing on plus-size models and Lizzo's dance show.
11moments
- Tim on building a brand: you have to show your life in one digestible way so people understand what you are.
- Sit down with your children each summer and decide who you're going to be that year—jock, smart aloof, or something else.
- Aloof is not for ugly people; good-looking people have the option, but ugly people have to work very hard just to get in the game.
- Tim on the coming fat-acceptance reckoning: we're telling kids to be as fat as possible and eat whatever they want, but it's going to get awkward.
- Lizzo's big girl show is awkward because they're doing dances, can't breathe, and we're celebrating injuries and joint damage as good.
- Plus-size models aren't considered plus-size enough anymore, so eventually everybody will be in a wheelchair on a fashion runway just from being fat.
- Do CEOs of junk food companies ever get uncomfortable about the level of fat they've created in the population?
- In a Black Mirror scenario, junk food CEOs should be dragged from their cars and eaten by the obese people their products created.
- Fat people shouldn't be constantly mocked, but we're going in a direction that's insane and unhealthy by destroying all beauty standards.
- It's odd that fatness has become virtuous—something to be proud of—rather than just something that happened to you.
- You should be proud of being an individual, not dumb things like being fat or Italian, both of which involve sauce.
- 3 min
Eating the CEOs of Junk Food Companies
#Tim fantasizes Black Mirror-style about junk food CEOs like Mondelez being dragged out and eaten by the fat people their products created, while continuing to plug merch sizing up to 4X.
9moments
- Getting 4X hoodies is an economic issue; they're trying to source them but it's hard.
- Tim says they're trying to help homeless people with the merch sales.
- England shipping delays are Brexit's fault, not theirs.
- Ireland has civil war problems — IRA, Protestants, Catholics — and Tim isn't getting involved.
- Fans from Norway, Amsterdam, and Finland are screaming at him about shipping.
- They're solving homelessness with merchandise money.
- Tim got into comedy 12 years ago specifically to end homelessness.
- Everyone in entertainment — Jennifer Lawrence, all of them — claims they got into it to end racism and homelessness while making a couple million on the way.
- They ship to Europe, or at least they think they do.
homelessnessJennifer Lawrence
- 3 min
Shipping Merch to Europe and Sebastian's TikTok Laziness
#Tim jokes about shipping merch to Ireland, Scandinavia, and confusion over what counts as Europe, then turns to berating a co-host (seemingly Sebastian) for being too lazy and drunk to properly run the show's TikTok.
8moments
- Using the word 'shipping' instead of 'delivery' makes customers feel comfortable because it evokes the Navy and complexity.
- Tim's merch strategy: hoodies delivered hot and fresh to help homeless people in Los Angeles become stars, since having a home is the first step to stardom.
- Tim's TikTok account is locked after changing phone numbers and they're working with support to regain access.
- Sebastian used to make content for TikTok but they gave up on it, despite TikTok being essential for getting famous.
- Tim accuses Sebastian of being lazy about TikTok instead of actually trying, but Sebastian says his uploads get flagged for child abuse within seconds.
- A woman they know at TikTok said they'd need to bleep most content and avoid sharing most stuff from the podcast.
- Instead of following TikTok's roadmap, Sebastian spends his nights getting drunk and bowling with his wife in the Valley, pouring booze into grape slushies.
- Tim points out everyone on the podcast is drunk and on drugs except him, while Sebastian and his wife enjoy bowling alley nachos and slushies.
- 6 min
Confusing Migrant Real Estate Advice with Actual Venezuelan Migrants
#Tim continues the bit offering real estate advice to 'migrants' looking at Martha's Vineyard, before realizing mid-segment that the migrants in question are actually Venezuelan, Cuban, and Colombian asylum seekers, not people from Connecticut looking for summer homes, leading to genuine on-air confusion.
10moments
- Tim offers real estate advice to migrants in Martha's Vineyard, recommending they contact people who move properties and plan ahead for seasonal rentals.
- No shame in wanting to spend July in Paris—there's no right or wrong choice for where migrants should want to be.
- Tim tells migrants in Martha's Vineyard they can find cheap help easily, winking at the availability of undocumented workers for home repairs.
- He expresses respect for Martha's Vineyard over Malibu, understanding the appeal of a Northeastern summer with sailing camps and clam bakes.
- Tim strongly advises migrants to rent first before committing to a location on the vineyard, given how many options exist.
- Questions about choosing the right part of Martha's Vineyard: are you a cottage person, a walk-to-beach person, do you entertain?
- Tim sympathizes with how scary it is for Martha's Vineyard migrants facing low inventory and tough choices about where to live.
- Someone clarifies that these migrants are actually from Cuba and Venezuela, shipped from Florida, not Connecticut as Tim seemed to think.
- Tim realizes these are not people looking for summer homes but undocumented immigrants from outside America entirely.
- Learning that the migrants sent to Martha's Vineyard are Venezuelans who crossed the southwest border, Tim admits he's confused and thought they were from Connecticut.
- 1 min
Quick closing plug directing listeners back to TimDillonComedy.com to buy merch.