Episode 344 · Post-Ben
The New Braveheart | The Tim Dillon Show #344
Apr 30, 2023 · 1:00:15 · 300,000 views · 15 segments, 97 moments indexed
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- 1 min
Tim opens from "Dubai" for tax purposes, plugs the Colin Quinn episode and asks people to subscribe/rate/review, then talks up upcoming tour dates in Chicago and San Francisco.
3moments
- Broadcasting from Dubai for tax purposes
- Chicago Theater show almost sold out; San Francisco Masonic still has seats because people fear parking and walking to the venue
- San Francisco recently had to call in the National Guard to deal with fentanyl and homelessness crisis
- 1 min
Walking to the San Francisco Show and the Casino Near San Diego
#He jokes that fans scared of San Francisco's homelessness and fentanyl crisis should just walk a few blocks with a bat, calling the odds of being maimed low, then mentions an upcoming casino show near San Diego.
4moments
- Tim tells people worried about crime near his San Francisco show they're cowards if they can't handle walking a few blocks.
- His advice: bring a bat, walk three blocks, then leave the bat and enter the theater.
- Tim acknowledges someone attending his show will statistically get maimed or lose an eye, but the odds it's you are almost nothing.
- He compares the safety situation to how lions pick off stragglers from the sides of a group moving toward the venue.
- 5 min
Tim discusses the news story of an MS-13 gang member who dismembered an Uber Eats driver in Florida, riffing on Florida being an "unlivable hell," pitching it as an Eli Roth movie called "Final Delivery," and expanding into a bit about the horror-movie nature of the gig economy.
10moments
- An Uber Eats driver was dismembered in Florida, a state Tim describes as 90% unlivable hell where biblical behavior occurs regularly.
- Chicago shootings are comprehensible — they're territorial — but Florida violence is incomprehensible: people dissolve bodies in bathtubs, choke pit bulls.
- Oscar Solas, a demonic MS-13 gang member on parole from Indiana, robbed and dismembered Randall Crook, a 60-year-old Uber Eats driver making his final delivery.
- Eli Roth should make a horror movie called 'The Final Delivery' about an MS-13 member who dismembers a driver in his home.
- Tim jokes about ordering delivery from a Mexican restaurant where the food shifted so much that guacamole ended up on the roof of the container.
- The gig economy is essentially a horror movie: workers are out hoping no one kills, eats, or maims them while drugs get more potent and dangerous people operate openly.
- Delivery drivers and Uber passengers face increased likelihood of ending up dead, reading about these murders all the time as they pick up or drop off strangers.
- Tim wonders if Uber Eats drivers get premonitions before they die — if they feel something in the pit of their stomach when they accept a delivery that might be their last.
- When the driver gets yanked into the customer's house, he's now 'in his lair, in the dungeon' — a pitch for telling kids to do their homework instead of working gig jobs.
- Schools should tell kids they could do Uber Eats, but warn them they might get yanked into the lair of an MS-13 guy who eats them.
Oscar SolasRandall CrookFloridagig economyEli RothMiamiPalm BeachSaint Pete+1 more
- 1 min
Who You're Delivering Food To
#He continues riffing on the dismemberment story, joking that dangerous-looking clients shouldn't be eligible for delivery and should have to leave the house to get food themselves.
4moments
- A food delivery driver in Florida was charged with felony murder after dismembering someone.
- Tim questions why anyone would do Uber Eats in Florida given the danger involved.
- People who mutilate their own faces shouldn't be eligible for food delivery service.
- Tim argues those who heavily modify their appearance should be required to pick up their own food instead of having it delivered.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Manscaped's grooming products for balls, penis, and taint, with the promo code TIMD for 20% off and free shipping.
4moments
- Tim pitches Manscaped as essential summer grooming, warning against being the guy at the beach with Austin Powers chest hair.
- The product is a groomer for balls, penis, man's pubis, and taint—Tim insists it's the best option on the market.
- Code Tim D gets 20 percent off plus free shipping at manscape.com.
- Tim reduces the pitch to its core: do you want to shave your genitals, or not.
ManscapeAustin Powers
- 10 min
Coachella Interviews: Rich Aunties and No-Income Attendees
#Tim mocks a series of Coachella attendee interviews about pronouns, income, and why the festival is "worth it," including a rich woman praising the chicken fingers and dumplings, and multiple attendees with no income going for their 4th or 17th time, building to a fake concerned message to one attendee about his sick mother.
14moments
- Tim on middle-aged comedians showing up to Coachella asking strangers for a place to sleep.
- Coachella as the distilled California Dream: drugs, outdoor space, and proximity to celebrities.
- Daniella, 37, rich auntie making $210k, says the $500 ticket was worth it for chicken fingers and dumplings.
- Tim: these people's brains have been broken by the festival experience.
- Gabriel Vieira, 27, makes $80k in New York, first time at Coachella, calls it organized.
- Tim questions why the article lists pronouns if only podcasters mocking it will read it.
- Two of the four Coachella attendees have no income yet paid $500 for tickets.
- Alec Mitchell, 25, no income, fourth Coachella, claims he unplugged by not checking texts for three days.
- Every explanation for enjoying Coachella is the most basic reasoning—like children explaining why they like things.
- Marco Salazar, 34, software developer, six figures, returning to Coachella for his 17th year.
- Tim: glad everyone's happy, though the interviews keep getting worse.
- Georgia, 17, student, mentions meeting Anderson Cooper in the VIP area.
- Charlize Zagabond, 23, personal assistant making $30k, has camped both times she attended Coachella.
- Segment ends with Tim noting they've now interviewed everyone at Coachella, even the Biden Administration.
CoachellaCalifornia DreamAustin City LimitsBonnarooFrank OceanChromeoGorillazCalvin Harris+1 more
- 7 min
He reacts to news that the Biden administration will raise mortgage fees on buyers with good credit to subsidize riskier, lower-income borrowers, comparing it to the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis and to "gain of function" research analogies, arguing good credit shouldn't be penalized.
10moments
- Biden raising mortgage costs for good-credit borrowers to help risky borrowers is a great idea, since good people should be punished so derelicts can get ahead.
- It's always about race with Biden—they claim they're closing the racial homeownership gap, but this is the same path that led to the subprime mortgage crisis.
- The government gives sham mortgages disguised to make people think they can afford them until they can't, which won't actually close any gap in an effective way.
- Wall Street had no morality and created negative amortization loans, pick-a-payment schemes, and balloons disguised as altruism—the exact products that destroyed the economy in 2008.
- Doing this now is like suggesting a coronavirus research program in China to weaponize respiratory illness—it's the same recipe for disaster.
- If you worked hard, saved money, and paid your loans back, having to pay more for your house to subsidize others is ludicrous and penalizes good credit.
- What happens when these new homeowners can't afford fuel, food, gas, and everything else—does the government subsidize all of that too?
- Not everybody is ready to own a house, and you can't just throw one at someone and expect them to succeed; Tim lost a house because he wasn't ready for the mortgage he took.
- People stuck in houses they can't afford get angrier and angrier, which is why someone might snap and yank an Uber Eats driver into their house and dismember them.
- Swamping people with money when they're not ready is tough; Tim can't even figure out his Twitter password to deal with the blue check thing.
subprime mortgage crisisBiden administrationWall StreetCommunity Reinvestment Act
- 7 min
Twitter Blue Checks, Fake Kathy Hochul, and COVID Gaslighting
#Tim discusses the chaos of Twitter's paid blue-check system including a fake satirical Kathy Hochul account, Stephen King donating his blue-check refund to charity, and pivots into a rant about being gaslit over COVID vaccine mandates and heart attacks in young athletes being downplayed.
9moments
- Fake impersonation accounts proliferate on Twitter after Elon Musk allows blue checks to be purchased for eight dollars.
- Tim explains Twitter's old verification system favored journalists and bloggers with minimal followers while excluding others.
- While people argue about blue checks, the country faces war with China and child hunger—a dystopian sign of national decline.
- Twitter is fundamentally a bad platform for meaningful discussion; in ten years on it, Tim has never witnessed one valuable exchange.
- Social networks launch promising connection and networking but devolve into people calling each other pedophiles and Nazis within a decade.
- Tim approves of Elon's decision to unban users who questioned vaccine safety and promoted healthy skepticism about boosters.
- Medical establishment now claims young athletes' heart explosions would have been worse if they'd had COVID, a shifting justification.
- Fauci and Trudeau are reversing course, claiming they never mandated vaccines or lockdowns despite intense pressure at the time.
- Unvaccinated people were treated like pedophiles at social gatherings, yet officials now gaslight the public by denying any coercion ever occurred.
TwitterElon MuskKathy HochulFacebookJustin TrudeauStephen KingAnthony Fauci
- 2 min
Tucker Carlson's Firing From Fox and His Mother's Theory
#Tim discusses Tucker Carlson being pushed out at Fox, mentions he was nearly booked on Tucker's show, and recounts his mother's theory (blaming Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife) about why it happened.
4moments
- Tucker Carlson has been fired from Fox, likely to return on the internet.
- Murdoch's reasons for firing Tucker could be related to Dominion, private statements, or personal issues.
- Tim's mother, in a mental institution, is distraught over Tucker's firing and suspects it involves Murdoch's Chinese wife.
- Welcome Tucker to the internet, though Murdoch still has him under contract and continues paying him, which may limit what he can do.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription, capped with a joke that his personalized quiz box contained pancake mix and Derek Chauvin's badge.
3moments
- Tim describes how Bespoke Post's monthly subscription sneaks up on you with a box of curated items based on a quiz.
- Perfect gift for someone going away to college—they get a new box every month and go nuts for it.
- Tim took the Bespoke Post quiz and received a box containing pancake mix and Derek Chauvin's badge, questioning how they know him so well.
- 7 min
Tim discusses the tragic death of an 18-year-old in a Dutch study whose bowel-based vaginoplasty led to fatal necrotizing fasciitis after early puberty blockers, then builds an extended bit imagining this as the secret plot of "Frozen 3."
10moments
- Tim explains his approach to covering transgender issues—seeking a middle ground between theocracy and rushing minors into medical procedures.
- He argues there's a rush to move young trans patients toward surgery or hormone treatments before they understand long-term consequences.
- Tim's position: at 18, someone should be allowed to change their gender, just as they can vote or serve in the military.
- An 18-year-old Dutch trans patient died after puberty blockers left insufficient penile tissue, forcing surgeons to use bowel tissue for reconstruction.
- The plot of Frozen 3 is about someone whose bowel-derived vagina gets infected with flesh-eating bacteria and kills them.
- Tim objects to children sitting through a two-hour movie centered on surgical complications from blocked puberty.
- He criticizes the lack of penile tissue development when puberty is blocked early, leading to bowel reconstruction as a riskier alternative.
- Tim asks whether surgical outcomes for bowel-based vagina reconstruction will improve enough in the next few years to prevent deaths.
- In Frozen 3's ending, the necrotizing fasciitis is magically cured—a false resolution to a real medical problem.
- Tim suggests society needs public education, like "how a bill becomes a law," to explain gender reconstruction surgery without the taboo.
- 10 min
The Gay Dad Fantasy: Wanting the Best Genitals for His Kids
#Tim spins out an extended, escalating bit imagining himself as a gay dad demanding top-quality surgical results (a "wet" vagina, a big pink penis) for his trans son and daughter, riffing on inspecting the results, green infected tissue, and advice to fathers to "ask to see" their kid's new anatomy.
10moments
- Tim insists on improving genitals for children rather than letting them die or suffer infections.
- Gay dad fantasy: adopting a trans son who comes home wanting a vagina, then complains the lips are green at Christmas.
- Tim's pre-transition experience with women never turned up a green pussy, so he's skeptical of the medical outcome.
- Son's newly purchased vagina is ravaged by necrotizing fasciitis after he refuses to listen to dad's warnings.
- Neighbor's trans kid Ralph had to use bowel tissue for his vagina because puberty blockers left insufficient penis tissue.
- Tim wants better genitals for all his children—thick, pink, functional penises for daughters who want them.
- In ten years parents will be giving their kids realistic fake genitals for Christmas and scheduling surgical attachment appointments.
- Serious point: can't build genitals out of bowels; need better materials so transgender kids have functional, wet anatomy.
- Compared E. coli and salmonella risks from genital surgery to raw cookie dough—transition should be safe and cost-effective with family involvement.
- Fathers should ask their trans sons to see their new vaginas without embarrassment—just checking the doctors did good work.
- 1 min
Tim runs through remaining tour dates (Palm Beach, Charleston, Hershey, Chicago, Milwaukee, San Francisco, Parx Casino) and insists his intent isn't to offend but to "heal," while acknowledging trans people exist and defending his riffing as just processing something new.
2moments
- Tour dates available in Palm Beach, Charleston, Hershey, Chicago, Milwaukee, San Francisco, and Parks Casino in September
- Tim states his goal is not to offend but to heal
- 6 min
Closing Fantasy: Christmas 2030 and the Bentley Flying Spur of Genitals
#He extends the genital-quality bit into an elaborate imagined future Christmas scene in 2030 with his son's non-binary partner praising him as a supportive father, ending with a heaven scene where God tells him he did everything right.
10moments
- If his son wanted a vagina, Tim would want it to be top of the line, not a diseased wreck.
- Tim wants his son to have the Bentley Flying Spur of genitals.
- On Christmas morning, Tim imagines his son showing the family his new anatomy and Tim saying he wishes he wasn't a man so he could use it.
- Tim's husband tells him to stop joking about his son's genitals; Tim clarifies it's actually his daughter and that he's kidding.
- A non-binary, transracial, demisexual person shows up to pick up Tim's son, who still identifies with he/she pronouns.
- The visitor tells Tim's son how lucky he is that his father jokes about his anatomy, wishing his own father had shown that kind of support.
- Tim tells his son he has the best genitals because Tim worked hard—touring, flying, doing podcasts—so his son could have quality anatomy.
- Tim describes his son's future sexual experience as being like a Flume ride at an amusement park, because of the investment Tim made.
- Tim tells his son to remember him every time he touches his genitals, because of what his father did for him.
- In heaven, God tells Tim he did everything right in his parenting, which Tim says is ironic because it's exactly what you should have done.
- 1 min
Tim closes the show with a quick goodbye and plug for TimDillonComedy.com.