Episode 366 · The Studio Revamp
Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds | The Tim Dillon Show #366
Oct 22, 2023 · 1:07:04 · 319,000 views · 24 segments, 148 moments indexed
Tim talks with comedians Mike Cannon & Mike Feeney about breaking rules, the Middle East, faking a heart attack, brand loyalty and how the American military is literally ballooning.
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- 2 min
Princess Diana Cold Open and Parking in Red Zones
#Tim opens as the spirit of Princess Diana, introduces guests Mike Cannon and Mike Feeney, and riffs on how successful people ignore parking rules and tow their cars in Malibu without fear.
4moments
- Tim channels Princess Diana's spirit, who claims she was killed by Jews in a tunnel and now believes in a Palestinian state.
- Two comedian guests, Mike Cannon and Mike Fay, arrived not knowing what Tim would say or do.
- The guests have been hanging out in Los Angeles while the world falls apart, visiting the beach and nearly getting swept away by currents.
- Tim observes that people in Los Angeles park in red zones and don't care about getting towed, unlike how things work in New York.
Mike CannonMike FayPrincess Diana
- 2 min
Boomer Parents and the Fear of Liability
#Tim and the guests discuss how their parents were terrified of trampolines, pools, and lawsuits, and how that fear kept comics broke while waiting for TV jobs that never happened.
7moments
- Successful people have no respect for rules.
- Tim parks his car wherever there's curb space without a permit.
- His family visited and worried constantly about parking violations and towing.
- Middle-class people walk around all day consumed by fear, but nothing usually happens.
- You should learn when and how you can break the rules, then choose where to do it.
- You need to not care about financial consequences to actually make money.
- Fearful comics lost everything—their possessions ended up on Craigslist while they waited for shows being phased out.
- 3 min
Getting Towed in Malibu and Rescue 911 Nostalgia
#Tim recounts getting his car towed and waving to fans from the tow truck, then pivots into nostalgic riffing on the Boomer fear-mongering TV show Rescue 911 hosted by William Shatner.
7moments
- Tim got his car towed in Malibu and rode in the tow truck; a fan saw him and asked why he was getting towed.
- Tim blames the government for the towing and mocks rule-followers.
- Tim's parents wouldn't let friends in the pool or on the trampoline, identifying kids with asthma as special hazards to watch.
- His parents didn't even want a pool because they didn't want their house to be welcoming or have any social gatherings there.
- Rescue 911 with William Shatner was designed to terrify Boomers into thinking their houses were booby-trapped death traps.
- The show featured drowning scenarios where mothers took their eyes off the water for a second.
- Tim's mom had a cousin story about a black belt who dove into a 4-foot pool and paralyzed himself — the universal athletic cousin diving accident.
Rescue 911William ShatnerMalibu
- 1 min
Watching the Rescue 911 Intro
#They play and react to the actual opening of Rescue 911, riffing on absurd disaster scenarios like kids drowning, choking, or being assaulted while parents drink wine.
5moments
- Tim notes Rescue 911 is just what Boomers watch, dismissing it as fear-based programming.
- The show's opening disclaimer about real 911 calls immediately cuts to a scenario where your kid's friend chokes to death and you're liable for it.
- Tim escalates the liability fears: what if your daughter and her friend were raped while you were drunk in the back room?
- Parents in the '80s weren't paranoid about kids drowning because the friend was a good person—they worried about the cost and financial liability.
- If Tim himself got swept out to sea and needed rescue, people wouldn't feel bad—they'd rejoice, and Gavin McInnes would celebrate with a cease-fire agreement.
- 3 min
Almost Drowning in Malibu and Which Side Are You On
#Tim jokes about nearly getting swept out to sea and how the internet would celebrate his death, then the group discusses the Israel-Palestine conflict, Gaza's children, and joking about which side they'd align with.
7moments
- Tim describes nearly drowning while swimming in Malibu with strong swimmers in rough conditions.
- Tim asks guest Mike Cannon point-blank whether he's on the Muslims or Jews side right now.
- Tim expresses concern that even if the conflict ends tomorrow, people in the region will hate each other for a long time with no hope of reconciliation.
- Tim wonders when Palestinians and Israelis will have 'hot sex' as a sign of peace.
- Tim jokes about Bloods and Crips in Gaza with blue and red handkerchiefs together to signal it's over.
- Tim expresses sympathy for children growing up in Gaza and Israel whose lives are now completely shattered.
- Tim argues he has to use his platform because there are a lot of people hurting and in pain over there right now.
- 3 min
Stop It: The Aunt Carol Approach to Geopolitics and the Beverly Hills Restaurant Game
#Tim likens his stance on the Middle East to his aunt yelling 'stop it' at fighting cousins, then describes dining at Ava in Beverly Hills near a Kim Kardashian party and playing a guessing game about which patrons are Jewish or Arab.
4moments
- Tim's Aunt Carol approach to stopping conflict: "stop it" to everyone at once, ignoring who started it.
- Tim went to Ava, a Mediterranean restaurant in Beverly Hills, while Kim Kardashian hosted a party nearby at Funk with Ivanka Trump and Haley Bieber.
- Everyone in Beverly Hills is either Arab or Jewish and Persian, all looking similar with white BMWs and quiet demeanor.
- Method to figure out someone's identity or politics: sit down next to them and say "been a long time coming now" regarding Middle East conflict, then let their response reveal their position.
Kim KardashianAvaIvanka TrumpGazaHailey Bieber
- 3 min
Irish Catholic Neutrality and a Concert to End the War
#The group jokes about Irish Catholics' supposed sympathy for Palestinians due to British history, then Tim proposes a massive benefit concert with Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, and Drake to end the conflict, riffing on Drake's silence.
8moments
- Tim and guest establish they're both Irish Catholic and not involved in the Israel-Palestine conflict
- Tim explains he doesn't feel that kinship because he identifies as American rather than Irish
- Tim proposes Israel should do a ceasefire only after Palestinians release all hostages
- Tim questions why Ed Sheeran can't solve the Middle East with his guitar
- Guest argues they're a little gun shy of music festivals right now
- Tim says concerts have been held in Vegas and insists music could help de-escalate the situation
- Tim suggests holding the peace concert inland and away from Gaza with proper security and metal detectors
- Drake has been oddly quiet about the conflict despite being half involved
Ed SheeranIsraelDrakeTaylor SwiftPalestiniansIrish Catholics
- 5 min
Tim reads a news story about Rep. Mike Waltz demanding Bill Gates ban Hamas leadership from the Four Seasons Doha, then goes on an extended riff defending 'brand loyalty' and joking that hotels shouldn't discriminate against terrorist guests.
7moments
- Tim argues the Four Seasons has consistency and good room service, so why kick Hamas out of the Qatar property?
- Qatar is a westernized Middle Eastern country, but killed thousands of slaves building its World Cup stadium.
- Arab countries host major events while LA can't manage homelessness long enough for the Olympics or pole vault.
- Hamas did barbaric things, but their political wing has been loyal Four Seasons guests and customers for years.
- Tim on brand loyalty: a brand should value repeat customers, including those who book the omelet station and waffle bar.
- Banning Hamas from hotels sets a dangerous precedent—what's next, ejecting the Yakuza?
- Crime and money laundering finance nice hotels and marble—without death there's nothing fancy, and that's an unpopular truth.
- 4 min
They read the Four Seasons' official denial that Hamas leader Haniyeh is staying there, riffing on hotel security concerns and joking about him being a good tipper, before Tim pivots to the reality that Israel won't simply not respond.
7moments
- Tim argues Hamas should be allowed to stay at the Four Seasons because moving them to worse accommodations won't actually solve anything.
- If you remove him from the Four Seasons, Tim will retaliate with a mobility scooter that won't even get off the ground.
- The government is absurdly focused on removing someone from a hotel when there's an actual geopolitical crisis brewing with Iran, China, Russia, and the threat of World War III.
- The Four Seasons issued a statement claiming Haniyeh is not staying there, but Tim notes he actually checked out—he's already gone.
- Haniyeh is probably nice to hotel staff and tips well, so people are lying for him about whether he was ever there.
- Tim rejects the 'Free Palestine' argument without acknowledging that Israel will inevitably respond militarily to its citizens being slaughtered, which is just how the world works now.
- The idea that Israel won't respond to attacks is crazy—the Palestinian situation may be unsustainable and barbaric, but Israeli retaliation is not optional.
Four SeasonsIsraelPalestineHamasHezbollahChinaIranRussia+1 more
- 3 min
America Always Needs an Enemy
#Tim argues the post-9/11 us-vs-evil messaging keeps rotating targets from Russia to China to North Korea, and explains how the US armed groups like ISIS against Syria and Libya only to fight them later.
5moments
- Tim argues the messaging around current enemies follows post-9/11 framing of "us against evil," citing the rotating cast of designated adversaries from Russia to China.
- America focus-groups enemies to see which ones work, with Syria never catching on as a viable threat.
- Tim describes the contradiction of simultaneously arming ISIS to fight Russia and Assad while later claiming to crack down on terrorism.
- He compares U.S. foreign policy to a drunk man in a bar who tells one guy that another guy is talking shit about him, then fades back—creating unnecessary conflict.
- Tim pivots to good news: Argentina court acquits deaf children in a sex abuse case.
Bill HicksRussiaISISChinaAssad familyNorth KoreaSyriaLibya
- 5 min
Tim reads a bizarre news story about nuns and priests acquitted in a deaf children abuse case, then reads about a man in Spain arrested for faking heart attacks 20 times to dodge restaurant bills, comparing it to a coworker's Applebee's Purell slip-and-fall scam.
7moments
- Nine staff members at an Argentine deaf children's institute were acquitted of sexual abuse charges after a two-and-a-half-year trial, though two priests running the facility were convicted and sentenced to over 40 years.
- The acquitted defendants included a Japanese nun, Paraguayan nun, former cook, psychologist, legal representative, and school director accused of abusing deaf children and covering up crimes.
- Tim suggests the acquittals mean the deaf children were abused by someone else, not these people—and presents it as the good news of the week since everything else is bad.
- A 50-year-old Lithuanian man was arrested in Spain for faking heart attacks at restaurants 20 times to avoid paying bills, which Tim declares makes him a hero of multiple nations.
- Tim points out faking a heart attack requires significant physical effort and summons an ambulance, making it an expensive con—especially in America where ambulances cost $1,500.
- The man attempted to leave a restaurant without paying, grew upset when confronted, threw himself on the ground and pretended to have a heart attack, but staff didn't believe him and called police instead.
- Tim compares the moment the con man realized nobody was buying the fake heart attack to a time he worked at Applebee's when a woman threw Purell on the floor in the bathroom.
Catholic ChurchPope FrancisAntonio Prolo Center
- 5 min
Teenage Dine and Dash Stories
#Tim and Mike Cannon swap stories of dining and dashing as teenagers at TGI Fridays and a diner in Rockland County, and Tim recalls threatening a neighbor with butcher knives as a kid.
10moments
- Woman at Applebee's fakes a slip-and-fall by lying down in Purell on the ground.
- Manager checks security footage, denies her demands, and threatens to call police.
- Tim reflects on the appeal of committing to a dine-and-dash at Applebee's for a two-for-twenty deal.
- Tim recounts running out of Boulder Creek Steakhouse in Hicksville as a kid after a rude Friday's waitress.
- Tim sneaks back into Friday's alone, grabs money from the register, and distributes cash to friends in the car.
- At Blauvelt Diner in Rockland County, Tim's group left payment in a milkshake to spite a mean waitress.
- Tim argues that teenage petty crime and vandalism are developmentally appropriate.
- Tim and friends pulled fences out of the ground, threw eggs at gym-goers, and destroyed property as kids.
- At age ten, Tim and a friend smashed a French neighbor's tree into splinters with baseball bats because he looked at them weird.
- Tim and a friend threatened a neighbor woman named Jill with butcher knives at age twelve, leading to police involvement and a PINS petition.
Friday'sApplebee'sB's Total FitnessBlauvelt DinerBoulder Creek steakhouse
- 1 min
Nanny 911 and Wife Swap Nostalgia
#Tim recalls a Nanny 911 episode filmed on his childhood block in Long Island due to out-of-control kids, and riffs on Wife Swap families fighting over diets.
3moments
- Tim recalls Nanny 911, a show where nannies came in to fix chaotic homes when parents couldn't control their kids.
- A Nanny 911 episode was filmed on his block where kids were so out of control they threw hammers at people and cars.
- Parents were stunned their kids acted up while they were fist fighting drunk in the kitchen.
Nanny 911Wife SwapCesar MilanRescue 911
- 3 min
Watching Nanny 911 Clips and Centereach Nicknames
#They pull up and watch an actual Nanny 911 clip, joking about British nannies and Mike's hometown of Centereach being nicknamed 'Santa Rico.'
9moments
- Tim watches Nanny 911 clips looking for the Long Island episode specifically.
- Kids on the show crying over Obama's election, with conspiracy theories about him being a communist and Muslim.
- The premise of Nanny 911 is hilarious—calling families animals and kids mentally unstable, presenting them as white trash.
- The episode is set in Centereach, which Mike notes is heavily Puerto Rican and Irish.
- Tim jokes about letting Italians cater to the neighborhood situation better instead of whatever is happening there.
- Nanny 911's premise: families completely out of control, kids spraying with hoses, desperately needing intervention.
- The show features world-class nannies from all over the globe—all British.
- Tim notes that families on his own block were also unable to be saved by that kind of intervention.
- People enjoy watching something horrible, like the TLC-style reality content that has become increasingly extreme.
- 2 min
TV Has Gotten Too Divisive So Now It's the Golden Bachelor
#Tim argues reality TV has shifted toward feel-good content like The Golden Bachelor because the real news is too dark, then riffs on his mom being more interested in America's Got Talent than the Israel-Palestine conflict.
6moments
- Reality TV can't compete with real-world chaos like wars and warships in the Gulf anymore.
- Networks are responding by going opposite—producing feel-good shows like the Golden Bachelor about old people finding love.
- Divisive TV content has gotten too rough; the real world is too chaotic, so people want nice stuff instead.
- Tim's mom dodged his question about Israel-Palestine by asking if he'd seen who made it on America's Got Talent with a dog juggler.
- A dog that was juggling died in a hospital, possibly from either a Palestinian missile or an Israeli airstrike.
- Tim pitches 'Who Bomb the Hospital' as a segment, structured like a doo-wop group.
- 2 min
Tim proposes a doo-wop song called 'Who Bomb the Hospital' and they watch Al Jazeera analysis suggesting the Gaza hospital explosion may have been a misfired Hamas rocket rather than an Israeli strike.
8moments
- Debate over who bombed the hospital with 500 dead, with Al Jazeera visual analysis now suggesting a misfired Hamas rocket.
- Tim has been saying it was a misfired rocket the whole time, while admitting he initially wanted to gather facts before committing.
- Al Jazeera's history goes back to getting big during the Iraq War, when they aired Bin Laden's first videos.
- Video shows a rocket launch visible on camera, with multiple launches captured from different angles.
- One rocket veers off, breaks apart in midair, spins out and disintegrates—a weapon failure caught on film.
- The timestamp 6:59 p.m. local time matches when the hospital was struck, with two seconds between a small and much larger explosion.
- Geolocation analysis indicates the rocket was definitely launched from within Gaza and lines up with the hospital's geography.
- The analyst comes across as condescending, talking down to the audience for not understanding the footage.
- 5 min
Celebrity Ceasefire Letters and the Case Against a Ground Invasion
#Tim mocks celebrities like Kate Blanchett and Hasan Minhaj signing an open letter to Biden for a ceasefire, comparing it to the pandemic-era Imagine video, then argues hostages must be released first and that an Israeli ground invasion of Gaza would be a catastrophic mistake akin to Iraq or Afghanistan.
7moments
- Celebrities signed a letter urging a ceasefire in Gaza, but Tim doubts Netanyahu cares what Kate Blanchett or Hassan Minaj think.
- Tim questions whether any country has ever actually listened to celebrities signing letters as a factor in policy.
- Celebrities tried singing 'Imagine' before, realized it backfired, so now they're going old school with a letter.
- Tim's position: Hamas must release all hostages and go, otherwise Israel won't stop and it becomes World War II.
- People messaging about Palestinian hostages are missing the point—end the immediate situation first, debate other issues later.
- A ground assault in Gaza is a terrible idea: it's urban warfare, it's trench fighting, and afterward you'd have to run Gaza yourself.
- What happens if Israel evicts everyone from Gaza and takes over? It will never work out.
GazaIsraelBenjamin NetanyahuHassan MinajKate BlanchettPalestiniansJessica ChastainMoas
- 3 min
Who Actually Wrote the Celebrity Letter
#Tim speculates about which NGO or UN subcommittee actually drafted the celebrity ceasefire letter, and jokes that his own motive for wanting the war to stop is so he can start a Christian Crusade.
8moments
- Tim on Thomas Friedman: he says dumb things most of the time, but he's right that occupying Gaza is a mistake like Iraq and Afghanistan.
- After 9/11 we destabilized a lot of countries, and repeating that error in Gaza would be a big mistake.
- Who actually wrote that letter all the celebrities signed to Biden about the conflict?
- It's probably UNICEF or some UN subcommittee behind the famous names on the statement.
- Celebrities have become anti-influencers—their support for causes now triggers an opposite reaction because it reads as disingenuous and self-serving.
- The letter is just four paragraphs saying we want it to stop, we're famous, nothing more—no actual policy substance.
- Tim contrasts his position: he wants de-escalation, not bloodshed or a Christian crusade against anyone.
- He's arguing from the opposite direction—for nukes and killing, which is satire on the emptiness of celebrity activism.
- 1 min
Tim reads the Bespoke Post ad describing the Box of Awesome subscription contents, pricing, and promo code.
1moment
- Tim declares himself Pro Christian Crusade and wants to stop talking so people can lose weight before going to war.
- 2 min
Military Members Paying for Their Own Meals
#Tim recounts performing for troops overseas and being shocked to learn soldiers pay for their cafeteria meals out of pocket despite doing intense physical labor.
5moments
- Tim performed for troops overseas and discovered soldiers pay for their own meals out of their paychecks.
- Some military bases in Afghanistan had 70,000 people and entire boardwalks of fast food restaurants.
- Tim did a show on Veteran's Day in a Kuwait theater and got bitten by a marine dog that same day.
- Soldiers doing intense physical labor are sometimes fed heavy comfort food instead of athlete-quality meals.
- Tim argues soldiers are just there to kill people, so it doesn't matter if they're fat or have abs while doing it.
- 3 min
Fat Drone Pilots and the New Face of American Warfare
#Tim jokes that military obesity doesn't matter anymore since modern warfare is fought with drones and DARPA tech by 'slovenly' button-pushers rather than ripped Navy SEALs, then riffs on a story about a young Marine hookup.
8moments
- Military recruitment struggles because everyone has become obese, but the solution is high-tech drone warfare operated by fat guys playing video games.
- There's nothing more American than a disconnected fat slob in a room killing people via video game.
- SEAL training should just involve handing someone a Big Mac and asking who they'd kill, then promoting them if they say everyone.
- Modern warfare doesn't need fit people—it needs slovenly operators with numb fingertips willing to press buttons.
- Tim recalls sleeping with a ripped but ignorant 24-year-old Marine from Southern California who didn't understand what was happening.
- Tim met an 18-year-old from Kansas who wanted infantry combat but turned out to be smart, so now he's behind a computer livid he can't kill people face-to-face.
- People who want to kill others should go into the military instead of doing it at home.
- America has the best murderers and homicides in the world, though some from Chicago aren't as good.
US militaryNavy SEAL trainingDARPAmilitary obesity
- 4 min
The Long Island Mall Military Recruiter
#Tim tells the story of a military recruiter at a Long Island mall telling a Black teen his family would 'get something' if he died overseas, and the guests recall being pranked into getting recruiter phone calls.
6moments
- Tim recounts a military recruiter at the Long Island Mall pitching enlistment to a Black man by saying his family would get something if he died overseas.
- Tim's friends signed him up for the Marines as a prank, and recruiters called him repeatedly until his mother got on the phone and screamed at them.
- Watching Band of Brothers and Full Metal Jacket makes war seem appealing because of the camaraderie, but Tim argues that's because the viewer didn't play team sports.
- Paragliding looks fun as an activity, but Tim wouldn't want to do it if the purpose is to kill people rather than at a resort.
- Tim felt briefly cool about being a CIA agent after 9/11 in eleventh grade, thinking he wanted to do something that mattered, but the feeling wore off within months.
- Tim's college roommate, a tall GI Joe-looking guy, was excited about going to Afghanistan and would talk about the excitement of killing people.
MarinesFull Metal JacketCIABand of BrothersAfghanistanChicagoLong Island MallOsama bin Laden
- 1 min
Roommate's Excitement for Killing and Wrap-Up Banter
#Tim recalls his college roommate's disturbing eagerness to kill in Afghanistan out of patriotism, before joking with the guests about whether this episode will survive YouTube's content moderation.
5moments
- Tim describes his roommate using a specific slur out of patriotism while describing a killing
- Tim riffs on the Princess Diana conspiracy, suggesting MI6 and the Mad had her killed in the tunnel, blaming the press as cover
- His son has now married a Black girl, which Tim frames as the unwanted consequence of the original royal family concerns
- Tim doubts the episode will survive on YouTube due to content moderation and ad suitability issues
- Tim signs off, promising to return solo next week but praising his guests for making the episode enjoyable
- 2 min
Tim and the guests promote Mike Feeney's new comedy special, Chrissy Chaos podcast, and list upcoming tour dates across the US and UK before signing off.
4moments
- Mike Fenia's new comedy special "Night at the Comedy Seller" is available on YouTube at youtube.com/mikfcomedy, released October 27th.
- Cohosting "Chrissy Chaos" with Chris Deano launching in November.
- Tour dates coming to DC in December, Florida, and many other cities announced through Canon Comedy.
- International dates booked for London, Dublin, Glasgow, Edinburgh, and Manchester.