Episode 389 · The Studio Revamp
Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt | The Tim Dillon Show #389
Apr 20, 2024 · 1:12:22 · 503,000 views · 21 segments, 122 moments indexed
Tim talks about Israel’s strike on Iran, the Columbia University protests, being gay in the Middle East, Plus Size Park Hoppers and what makes aunts cool but tragic.
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- 1 min
Biting the Cheek as a Metaphor for the Middle East
#Tim opens by describing accidentally biting the inside of his cheek and inflaming it, using the cycle of re-injury as an extended metaphor for the endless, unresolvable nature of Middle East conflict.
2moments
- Tim compares biting the inside of your cheek to the Middle East conflict as an endless, self-inflicted cycle.
- The cheek-biting metaphor explained: inflammation that worsens because you keep biting it, just like regional instability.
- 2 min
Punching a Greek Woman and War Footing
#Tim jokes about being on 'war footing' for World War III and claims he punched a woman he thought was Iranian (actually Greek) at Starbucks after she insulted him, before clarifying he's joking.
2moments
- Tim declares he is on war footing and ready to go.
- He clarifies the story was a joke and states he is against violence against women, kind of.
- 5 min
Israel as the 'Cool Girl Who's Feeling Herself Too Much'
#Returning from a European trip, Tim condenses all the opinions he heard into one bit: Israel has an image problem right now, comparing the country to an attention-seeking friend who leans too hard on past trauma to justify current behavior, while noting even supporters are uneasy.
9moments
- Tim says the producer gets nervous about sponsors when he doesn't know what's about to happen on the show.
- His headline after traveling Europe: Israel is not popular right now and has image problems.
- Israel compared to a girl feeling herself too much after recovering from a car accident—a glow-up that's become excessive.
- Tim acknowledges Israel has real pain from history, like a girl bullied in sixth grade, but they're overdoing it now.
- What we're watching is a friend making a very bad decision, even for people who understand and support the original problem.
- The protesters doing "trans for Iran" demonstrates the absurd fan base Israel has ended up with at this moment.
- Tim references Trump asking his aide why everyone at a rally looked poor—you don't get the fan base you want, you work with what you've got.
- At anti-war rallies, Iran's vocal supporters are ragtag malcontents in dog collars, muzzles, and combat boots at City Hall.
- Iran has to confront that those are their allies now—not all terrible, but that's what the current moment provides them.
- 4 min
Trans-for-Iran Protesters and the Anti-War Rally Freak Show
#Tim riffs on anti-war protesters showing up in dog collars and gas masks in solidarity with Iran, joking that these movements always attract the strangest possible people and that Iran will have to reckon with its bizarre allies.
7moments
- Anti-war protests in America attract the craziest people imaginable—dwarfs, mythical creatures, centaurs—making regular people reconsider whether war might be preferable.
- Columbia University students are camping out for Palestine, which is a natural reaction given Israel's aggressive prosecution of the war and the 40,000 deaths visible on TikTok.
- Tim supports Israel's right to exist but notes the country has suffered a tremendous loss of prestige in the world community over this conflict.
- Students arrested at Columbia set up tents to show solidarity with Palestine and push the university to divest from Israeli interests.
- Tim questions whether the Columbia students understand they're protesting at an institution largely owned and funded by Jewish donors and endowments.
- Shutting down the Golden Gate Bridge and other protests don't move the ruling class, who genuinely don't care if kids camp out in tents at Columbia.
- Tim transitions to asking for clarification about what's happening at Columbia University.
- 1 min
The producer explains the Columbia University sit-ins and arrests over Israel/Palestine, with Tim joking that Jewish donors effectively fund the university the students are protesting at.
4moments
- Columbia University had over a hundred students arrested during a sit-in supporting classmates removed for Zionist protests.
- Tim thinks student protests with actual fighting and spitting in the quad are good—a little excitement is fine.
- If the country claims to stand for free speech, you have to respect people's rights to protest and organize, even if it's chaotic.
- Tim suggests America should support everyone's causes, from trans rights to pregnant men, if it truly believes in freedom.
pro-Palestinian activism
- 3 min
Being Gay in Iran vs. Portland Maine
#Tim argues that people crave forbidden, dangerous transgression rather than total acceptance, riffing that being gay in a place where it's punished by death is more 'fun' and meaningful than being gay somewhere totally tolerant like Portland, Maine.
7moments
- Tim on people who support Iran while being gay: the appeal isn't safety but danger and transgression.
- Being gay in Portland Maine is boring because it's accepted; the thrill requires actual consequences.
- Tim argues the real fun for gay men would be in places like Saudi Arabia where the stakes are literal death.
- Americans have been made so comfortable they fantasize about secret police dragging them away at night.
- Feminists secretly want to be punished, driven to the woods, and have their skin worn by someone else.
- No one actually wants what they claim to want; everybody just wants to crush their current enemy.
- Trans activists supporting Iran don't care about dying there; they just want to defeat bagel-head liberals.
- 4 min
Feminists, Trans-for-Iran Activists, and Wanting a Hierarchy
#Tim argues that people claiming progressive values secretly just want dominance and hierarchy, not equality, using feminists and trans-for-Iran activists as examples of people who don't actually want the things they say they want.
6moments
- Feminists never actually cared about women; they wanted a hierarchy with themselves at the top.
- Pro-Palestine activists imagine Iranian mullahs will grant trans rights if they help defeat Israel.
- Middle Eastern governments prioritize staying in power and making money over supporting Palestine.
- Arab regimes protect their own interests; they have no strategic reason to fight Israel over the conflict.
- Different regions have different tolerances for civilian casualties and strategic interests in wars.
- Tim has a platform reaching millions weekly, but nothing he says actually matters.
IranIsraelIsrael-Palestine conflictJordanSaudi ArabiaUAEChinaRussia
- 2 min
Governments Don't Care About Palestine, They Care About Money
#Tim argues that Arab governments like Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Jordan don't actually care about the Palestinian cause and are only interested in protecting their money and relationships with the US, unlike their citizens.
4moments
- Tim argues that power brokers aren't measuring their Israel policy by campus activism.
- State Department people Tim speaks with are exhausted with Israel's behavior.
- He compares Israel to a bridezilla friend who won't stop demanding attention for her photo line.
- Tim's position: acknowledging antisemitism exists, but discussing it publicly makes the problem worse.
- 1 min
Advice to Israel: Stop Talking About Antisemitism So Much
#Tim jokingly advises Israel to stop constantly bringing up antisemitism because he thinks it's making things worse, comparing it to an exhausting friend who won't stop reminding everyone of her pain.
3moments
- Tim lists the continents where antisemitism exists and says acknowledging it endlessly doesn't help.
- Instead of bringing it up constantly, Israel should pretend people like them, because some actually do—Saudi Arabia's leaders, Qatar, Jordan, and Egypt.
- The constant messaging that everyone in the world is against you is exhausting and needs to change.
- 5 min
Olympic Fantasy: Israeli and Palestinian Hostages Light the Torch
#Tim fantasizes elaborately about the Paris Olympics opening ceremony featuring Hamas releasing hostages and Israelis and Palestinians jointly lighting the Olympic torch as a theatrical peace gesture, imagining audience reactions in Ohio.
8moments
- Tim's fantasy: Israel and Palestine form a synchronized swimming team for the Paris Olympics.
- Opening ceremonies might be scaled down because everyone is trying to blow up the Olympics.
- Tim asks Israel to let the Olympics happen without complications.
- Tim imagines Hamas releasing hostages at the Olympics to light the torch together.
- If he worked at the State Department, Tim would pitch staging the hostage release at the Games.
- Hostages emerge eating baguettes and dressed up by top makeup artists for the ceremony.
- Israeli and Palestinian hostages lighting the Olympic torch would be a powerful moment of reconciliation.
- Tim does a southern accent imagining Americans noticing the hostages at the Olympics with baguettes.
Emmanuel MacronHamasIsrael and PalestineParis OlympicsSummer Olympics
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Mood, a THC gummies/vape/flower company, describing his friends' enthusiasm and the promo code for 20% off and a free pre-roll.
5moments
- Mood gummies help you achieve the right high with federally legal flower, vapes, and more — 20% off first order plus free THC pre-roll with code Tim at hood.com.
- Tim's friends keep bringing up Mood products unprompted, creating a "Who's on First" style confusion about the brand name.
- People love Mood for date night and hanging out because it produces a relaxing, chill high rather than anxious energy.
- Mood offers 10 high-inducing strains, the most potent they've ever made, with all products third-party tested and sourced from small family farms.
- Different strains are tailored for specific moods — euphoric, energize, creative, chill — with gummies, flower, pre-rolls, and more for both beginners and veteran users.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for the injury law firm Morgan and Morgan, including an anecdote about a friend who flipped his car and immediately thought of the firm.
5moments
- Tim describes climate change causing car accidents on highways with people leaving money on the table by not knowing who to call.
- Morgan and Morgan are America's largest injury law firm with 100 offices nationwide, over 1,000 lawyers, and $2 billion recovered for 500,000 clients.
- Tim's friend flipped his car on the Southern State Parkway while suspended upside down, and his first words were Morgan and Morgan because he knew where his bread was buttered.
- Morgan and Morgan only collect if you win—they don't win unless you win.
- Submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is easy, with no fee unless they win; call forthepeople.com or dial pound law pound 529.
Morgan and MorganSouthern State Parkway
- 7 min
The Plus-Size Park Hoppers Review Disney World
#Tim describes an Instagram account of four larger women who review whether they can physically fit into Disney World restaurants before reviewing the food, reading their reviews and defending them against online critics.
11moments
- Tim shouts out the Plus-Size Park Hoppers, four morbidly obese women who review Disney World restaurants to see if they can fit inside them.
- They analyze load-bearing columns and structural beams before assessing seating capacity.
- A whole internet genre has emerged where fat people are mocked for eating, with strangers commenting that they're going to die.
- Tim argues these women are the only people who should be at Disney World; taking your kids there repeatedly means you have no imagination and are disgusting.
- Parents with brains plan vacations that teach their children something instead of just subjecting them to big puppets and characters.
- The Plus-Size Park Hoppers' format: they first tell you if you can fit in each booth, then review the food if seating is possible.
- Tim reads their detailed food reviews, including eating an entire Caesar salad bowl while no one was looking and using a warm milkshake as lubrication.
- When they don't fit in a restaurant, the Park Hoppers become nasty about the food in their reviews.
- Tim describes a close friend who goes to Disney World repeatedly and won't leave his house unless Disney is involved—he thinks there's something seriously wrong with this person.
- Parents should take their children to Scandinavia, Europe, and China to teach them culture, not continually drag them back to the Magic Kingdom.
- Disney fans get mad in the comments about the Park Hoppers, which Tim finds hilarious.
Disney Worldplus-size Park HoppersEpcot
- 1 min
Disney Adults Are Disgusting
#Tim rants that adults who repeatedly return to Disney World instead of exposing their kids to real travel and culture are pathetic, using a friend's family as an example.
3moments
- Young women should use their best years to get fit instead of creating Instagram accounts reviewing whether they fit in Disney Park restaurants.
- Disney Parks were founded by a Nazi, and Tim considers himself crazier than the adults obsessed with them.
- Tim imagines getting in great shape, then going to Disney World and restricting himself to a quarter of a burger at what he calls a pedophile Nazi land.
Disney WorldDisney Parks
- 5 min
The Cool Aunt and Fleetwood Mac's 'Dreams'
#Riffing on an article about 'cool aunts' supporting LGBTQ youth, Tim builds an extended bit about the archetypal cool aunt—smoking, drinking, playing Fleetwood Mac's 'Dreams,' living in quiet tragedy—using his own childhood aunts as examples.
7moments
- Research finds cool aunts play a critical support role to LGBTQ youth
- Tim describes his friend's cool aunt Deb: single, leather jacket, drank and smoked all day, listened to Fleetwood Mac's 'Dreams' in the hot tub
- What it really was: she was living in hell—the cool aunt mythology masks genuine suffering and loneliness
- Nobody checks on the cool aunt; she exists only to be cool and available for kids to confess to, never to receive care
- Every cool aunt listens to 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac while masturbating, shows up to weddings buzzed, carries trauma of dead friends
- The cool aunt always has a story about a best friend who killed herself or died, often involving drunk driving or Fleetwood Mac concerts
- Tim's Aunt Jen: the cool aunt who asked for drug money, had her children taken by the government, then told all of them they were trans
Fleetwood MacDreams
- 3 min
Tim reads more from the article about aunts being a critical support system for LGBTQ youth when parents are unsupportive, riffing that aunts don't care what you do and offering blunt advice about parental rejection.
6moments
- Article claims ants play a critical role in supporting LGBTQ youth.
- If your parents hate you for being gay or trans, they're pieces of shit, but constantly cycling through eighteen identities every other minute means you can't expect validation from everyone.
- Cool aunts always have a bit of a neurological disorder, are slightly drunk, and think they're wise beyond their years.
- Tim performs an extended bit as a cool aunt character whose friend Jimmy was gay but died mysteriously on a beach.
- Researcher explains the value of having an adult aunt figure who sees and loves the youth for who they are.
- Tim agrees there's merit beyond just the parent dynamic but suggests moving past aunts entirely to focus on the boss and capitalism.
LGBTQ youth supportInland EmpireSouth Texas
- 3 min
Define Yourself by What You Do, Not Who You Are
#Tim argues people should stop demanding constant validation and instead be judged by competence and productivity, riffing that a good employee's personal life doesn't matter to a boss.
4moments
- Tim argues people should define themselves by what they do, not who they are—be a unit of production.
- Society shifted from 'be yourself and ignore critics' to 'your job is to convince everyone on Earth to vocally support you.'
- A cool aunt's job is to present an option for how to live—like showing a teenager alternatives to their parents' lives.
- Tim describes the aggressively cheerful cousin who's always talking about her sports teams, drinking, and partying at the rec center.
- 6 min
Tim transitions into ad reads for Helix mattresses (praising their quiz and comfort) and Hims erectile dysfunction treatment, describing the online, doctor-free process.
4moments
- Tim describes an aunt Deborah who was divorced, lived upstate in a big house, and had a terrifying Sidekick Bob energy.
- The job of a cool aunt is to present an option for how you can live as a teenager looking at the world.
- Cool aunt archetype: someone who allows the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac to become their personality.
- Tim explains that visitors always ask about his mattresses, which are Helix Midnight Deluxe models.
- 6 min
Tim transitions into ad reads for Helix mattresses (praising their quiz and comfort) and Hims erectile dysfunction treatment, describing the online, doctor-free process.
4moments
- Tim describes an aunt Deborah who was divorced, lived upstate in a big house, and had a terrifying Sidekick Bob energy.
- The job of a cool aunt is to present an option for how you can live as a teenager looking at the world.
- Cool aunt archetype: someone who allows the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac to become their personality.
- Tim explains that visitors always ask about his mattresses, which are Helix Midnight Deluxe models.
- 9 min
The Dreams Lyrics and the Cool Aunt Mixtape
#Tim reads through the actual lyrics of Fleetwood Mac's 'Dreams' as the definitive cool aunt anthem and starts assembling a hypothetical 'cool aunt mixtape' with other songs like Better Than Ezra's 'Good.'
11moments
- Tim reads the lyrics to "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac and identifies it as the cool aunt anthem.
- Cool aunts drive fun cars and play the song, embodying a specific cultural archetype.
- The real cool aunt cannot have kids; she must stare down death and mortality alone as her calling.
- Cool aunt requirements: smoking joints, having friends named Fran or Darlene, frequenting dive bars.
- Cool aunts have strong opinions about family and talk about the man who got away—their one great love.
- When nieces and nephews come out as nonbinary, the cool aunt approves without judgment or real engagement.
- Tim argues you should do what makes you happy to a point, not without limits like the cool aunt suggests.
- Cool aunts never arrive on time and see the best concerts because they have no obligations or dependents.
- The cool aunt has the freedom children think they want, but it reveals itself as a constructed prison.
- Life cannot go on forever because people become predictable; eventually you notice the patterns in existence.
- Tim plans to create a cool aunt mixtape featuring Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" and Better Than Ezra's "Good."
- 6 min
Israel as the Isolated, Lashing-Out Cool Aunt
#Tim extends the cool aunt metaphor fully onto Israel, describing her as an isolated, damaged, proud woman who lashes out at everyone, and pleads for a Christmas-style truce.
10moments
- Tim describes Israel as an isolated, damaged cool aunt who lashes out when provoked, comparing the dynamic to family conflict.
- Israel is smoking cigarettes, listening to Fleet Mac, driving late to a family gathering where she'll kill everyone when she arrives.
- Tim tells Israel it's Christmas—time to put down the sword and look at everyone around her.
- Israel has cool aunt vibes but it's too much; even though she has pain, she can't use that as an excuse to constantly brutalize mom.
- The only thing left is the Olympics as a wasted opportunity for a well-coordinated ceasefire and peace ceremony.
- Tim admits he's susceptible to emotional appeals, unlike people who believe a genocide won't be forgotten and the fighting will continue.
- Tim fantasizes about an Israeli hostage child and a one-armed Palestinian toddler lighting the Olympic torch together to make everyone weep.
- That kind of Olympic moment would make the cool aunt weep and show it to people—that's what cool aunts do.
- The cool aunt explains to you that Israel and Palestine hated each other, but the torch-lighting moment made everyone realize life is all that matters.
- After the cool aunt's speech, you'd think she's the smartest person you've ever met, then later your mother tells you she lives in her car.