Episode 395 · The Studio Revamp
Celebrity Home Invasions & Costco | The Tim Dillon Show #395
Jun 8, 2024 · 1:11:59 · 507,000 views · 19 segments, 122 moments indexed
Tim talks about Caitlin Clark, what he would do at a home invasion, an Amazonian tribe battling the Internet, buying in bulk, networking and the easy way out.
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- 2 min
Fantasizing About Jerry Seinfeld Beating Him Up at Gotham
#Tim recounts being nervous at Gotham Comedy Club because Jerry Seinfeld was on stage before him, imagining Seinfeld smacking him for past criticism of his film, and fantasizing that he'd just apologize out of respect for success.
4moments
- Tim had a great night at Gotham Comedy Club and Jerry Seinfeld was on stage when he walked in.
- Tim was nervous Jerry might get off stage and beat him up over a film he discussed.
- If Jerry Seinfeld smacked him across the face, Tim wouldn't hit back because he respects success.
- Tim describes exactly what he would say if Jerry got off stage and spit on him: 'I did not mean it.'
- 2 min
Helicopter to the Hamptons Fantasy and Pop-Tarts Like Se7en
#He imagines Seinfeld whisking him away by helicopter to force-feed him Pop-Tarts like the ending of the movie Se7en, then notes Seinfeld left without acknowledging him at all.
5moments
- Tim imagines Jerry Seinfeld inviting him to a helicopter to the Hamptons after his set.
- In the fantasy, Jerry takes him by helicopter and lands in the Hamptons to his kitchen.
- Tim's father took him to see Se7en when he was nine years old, which was inappropriate but a great film.
- Jerry's actual set was great; Tim is a fan and considers him a legend.
- Jerry gets whisked away immediately after performing and vanishes before acknowledging Tim.
- 3 min
The Ukrainian Pool Guy Who Deserted the War
#Tim describes an emotional exchange with a Ukrainian pool worker in the Hamptons whose war experience made him tear up, then pivots to joking with his friend Ry about how the guy 'deserted' Ukraine and is now just late finishing the pool.
5moments
- Tim's pool in the Hamptons is incomplete, which he knows will upset people who find the problem unrelatable.
- One of the pool workers with an accent reveals he's from Ukraine when Tim asks where he's from.
- Tim apologizes for what the Ukrainian guy is going through, then immediately pivots to needing the pool finished before the season starts.
- Ryan points out that the pool worker deserted Ukraine instead of fighting, which becomes Tim's new angle on the delayed project.
- Tim jokes he'll confront the worker by comparing his escape from Russia to his escape from the June 1st pool deadline.
- 1 min
Being Forceful With the Sad Ukrainian Pool Guy
#He continues riffing on pressuring the Ukrainian worker to finish the pool despite feeling for his situation, joking that at least building pools in the Hamptons beats whatever he'd be doing back home.
3moments
- Tim explains he has to be forceful with the Ukrainian pool worker even though he's just the laborer, since the boss never shows up to the job.
- The pool guy lost everything in Ukraine but now he's in the Hamptons building pools and meeting podcasters—Tim suggests that's not a bad outcome.
- Tim notices the worker looked very sad for a moment and acknowledges the war was traumatic for them.
- 4 min
Caitlin Clark, the WNBA, and Not Caring About Fame Games
#Tim says he has zero interest in Caitlin Clark or the WNBA, mocks people pressuring him to attend games for exposure, and brings up Brittney Griner's prisoner swap while wondering who would be traded for Clark.
7moments
- Tim explains why some people are mad about Caitlin Clark: she's white and the audience is watching her instead of other WNBA players.
- He refuses to watch the WNBA and barely watches the NBA, dismissing his agent's suggestions to attend Lakers games for publicity.
- Going to sporting events to get on the Jumbotron and become more famous embarrasses him; he won't do it unless he's genuinely interested.
- Tim won't compromise his interests for career benefit, no matter who suggests it or how much it might help him.
- The Brittney Griner situation puzzles him: the U.S. traded the Lord of War to free her from Russia, but nobody cares about her now.
- If Caitlin Clark got detained in Russia, he doubts the country would trade anyone as valuable for her release as they did for Griner.
- Tim's broader claim: Americans are not designed to be happy for others' success; we're trained to see it as a threat to ourselves and our families.
- 1 min
America's Inability to Be Happy for Others' Success
#He argues Americans are conditioned to see others' success as a threat rather than celebrate it, contrasting himself as supposedly happy for everyone, including a joke about Jerry Seinfeld's tater tot-themed Netflix project.
4moments
- Americans view successful people as threats to their own livelihood and happiness.
- Seeing someone doing well in this country requires taking a deep breath and processing the threat.
- Tim claims he celebrates all people's success at all times, unlike most people.
- He watches his friend Jerry's movie about tater tots and enjoys it because it's fun.
- 6 min
Tim reads about actor Jonathan Tucker rescuing children during a home invasion near his Hancock Park house, then explains at length why he personally would drive away rather than intervene in any similar situation.
9moments
- Jonathan Tucker is an actor on a show called Kingdom, living in Hancock Park, LA—an old-money area with legendary real estate from the silent film era.
- Around 6:34 p.m., Tucker spotted a stranger entering a nearby home, ran in, and rescued a terrified young girl, then went back for her mother and infant while an intruder was still inside.
- Tim says he wouldn't have done it—running into a stranger's house during a home invasion could have gotten everyone killed, and he'd rather stay out of people's business.
- Tim's actual strategy: if he saw someone break into a neighbor's house, he'd get in his car and drive away to avoid being blamed or shot by police.
- Guys who look like Tucker get to run into houses and scoop up infants as heroes; if Tim did the same thing, he'd be shot in the face by LAPD.
- Ring video shows the intruder walking up to the Hancock Park home, letting himself in through the front door as screams erupt from inside.
- Tim finds the story disgusting—a Black man walks into a house and the family screams, which is the real story here, not the heroics.
- The neighbor who reported the suspicious man is smart not to be identified, because media narratives could turn this into a Kyle Rittenhouse situation in minutes.
- Tim's stance: if he sees a Black guy go into a house in California, he assumes he was invited and doesn't get involved with the situation.
Jonathan TuckerHancock ParkKingdomBing Crosby
- 5 min
He watches and reacts live to the actual news video of the home invasion, mocking the LAPD response, joking about a fake news chyron calling him a racist podcaster, and riffing on LA residents secretly enjoying the danger/excitement of their crime-ridden culture.
7moments
- Tim won't intervene if he sees someone with a pride flag and machete entering a house — he'll just leave, knowing California is unpredictable.
- The news package jokingly describes Tim as a racist podcaster who enters the home and makes the situation worse.
- Tim explains why he stays out of violent situations: he'd be blamed his whole life regardless of what he does, even if he tries to help.
- A female LAPD officer is the first responder to enter the home, prompting Tim to question where the male officers are.
- Tim expresses no sympathy for Los Angeles residents, saying they elect and vote for the chaos they experience in their neighborhoods.
- Tim argues that LA residents are bored and need home invasions and violence to feel alive since nothing else stimulates them anymore.
- Tim suggests wealthy LA residents fantasize about home invaders to experience excitement they can't get from their screenwriting careers.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Ethos, describing the easy online process for getting term life insurance coverage without medical exams.
5moments
- Tim lists the kinds of parents he doesn't want to be: the bleachers ref mom, the dad who gifts pun shirts, the parent too excited about spaghetti Wednesday.
- The one parent type to definitely avoid: mom and dad without life insurance.
- Tim pitches Ethos life insurance and its benefits, emphasizing how easy the process is compared to traditional options.
- Term life policies start at $10 a month, making it inexpensive enough that not getting coverage is irresponsible, according to Tim.
- Customizable coverage options let you protect your family for college, mortgage, income replacement, and more.
- 2 min
He promotes the Ibotta app for cash back on shopping, mentioning the referral code TIM for listeners to get a bonus.
3moments
- Ibatta is a free app that gives you cash back on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies to toys.
- Tim tells people asking how to make money that the answer is Ibatta, and they don't know what he's talking about.
- Ibatta is offering listeners $5 for trying the app using the code Tim when you register.
- 6 min
Tim discusses a news story about Starlink internet introducing porn and social media addiction to the uncontacted Marubo tribe in the Amazon, riffing on Elon Musk as a modern-day god and joking about the tribe's exposure to extreme internet content.
10moments
- Starlink was given to an uncontacted Amazonian tribe, connecting them to the internet and dividing them within nine months.
- Tim wants every uncontacted tribe hopelessly addicted to porn and social media rather than living by necessity and custom.
- The tribe is now grappling with the same challenges that have plagued American households for years: addiction to phones, gossip, scams, and minors watching pornography.
- The tribe members are now on TikTok; a husband sits in a hut on his phone while his wife tries to sleep.
- The tribe was probably happy a year ago until they learned there's more, and now they know what they're missing.
- Tribe members are watching real estate shows and wondering why they can't have toilets or see Taylor Swift in an arena.
- American culture is at its lowest point ever—banal across the board, insane, and simultaneously boring.
- The tribe is being introduced to the internet at the worst possible time, when children identify as animals, adults wear diapers, and people with Down syndrome do drag.
- Their first taste of American culture on TikTok is crackheads, Waffle House brawls, and drag performances by people with Down syndrome.
- The tribe spent their entire lives spearfishing in the river; now they're watching people with Down syndrome perform drag shows they don't understand.
Elon Muskinternet cultureTaylor SwiftCaitlyn Clark
- 9 min
Pitching the Marubo Tribe an OnlyFans Empire and Reality Show
#He continues the Marubo tribe bit at length, imagining them starting OnlyFans accounts, becoming a reality TV sensation, and joking about producing a show around them, before wondering if he could get one on his own program.
10moments
- Tim imagines a tribe in the Amazon trying to navigate the internet and modern world after being thrust into it overnight.
- The Marubo tribe leader Alfred worries that young men are sharing explicit videos, a shock to a culture that frowns on public kissing.
- Tim describes the violent contemporary porn the Marubo are now watching—far removed from early 2000s casual content.
- Some Marubo leaders report observing more aggressive sexual behavior from young men after internet exposure.
- An Andrew Tate figure will emerge among the Marubo, spreading ideas about productivity while young people abandon traditional crafts for selling pictures online.
- Tim weighs whether the Marubo are better off with internet access than they were living traditionally for centuries.
- Embracing indigenous tribe pornography could be a major business opportunity if marketed correctly, according to Tim's analysis.
- The internet has divided the Marubo tribe between those holding to old ways and those pursuing new ones—a clash every civilization experiences.
- Tim pitches sending a reality TV producer down to the Marubo to document their culture and livestream it for audiences.
- Tim offers to interview a Marubo tribe member on his show if someone can get them to appear and explain what's happening to their people.
Marbo peopleAlfred MarboOnlyFansAndrew Tateinternet
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Blue Chew, describing the chewable erectile dysfunction medication delivered discreetly online.
4moments
- Tim pitches Blue Chew as essential for summer, describing it as chewable tablets with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a fraction of the cost.
- The process is simple: sign up on blue.com, consult with a licensed provider online, get approved, and receive your prescription within days—no doctor's office visits or pharmacy lines.
- Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA and shipped discreetly to your door in a discrete package.
- He jokes about being excited to see the postman when your package arrives, playing on the double meaning of the word.
Bluewater
- 2 min
He promotes the PrizePicks fantasy sports app, describing how to play player prop picks and mentioning bonus codes and WNBA stars like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese.
2moments
- Tim vouches for PrizePicks as the fantasy sports app his friends and family actually use.
- He clarifies that PrizePicks sells itself — he's selling the listener's commitment to him instead.
- 7 min
Tim reads an article about Costco's cult-like following, recalling childhood trips with his mother's Costco card and arguing that buying food in bulk warehouses has normalized overconsumption, comparing it to predatory subprime mortgages.
10moments
- Tim's book is coming out for the holidays—clarifies he means winter, not any specific holiday.
- Costco has turned America into monsters by methodically converting casual shoppers into fanatics.
- Tim remembers when his neighborhood first got Costco cards and going to Costco was a big event, borrowing his mother's friend's card.
- Having bulk food at home means you consume more—people don't portion it rationally, they just eat it.
- The industrial-size buckets of condiments at Costco would make Europeans vomit; this doesn't exist in Europe.
- When Tim was in Europe performing with Sam Talent, none of these bulk products existed anywhere.
- Tim's libertarian streak hits a wall: he thinks we need to stop allowing certain things in the food space, comparing it to subprime mortgages.
- Subprime mortgages were cheap for two years then became expensive—people's lives didn't change, so why would we structure loans that way?
- Companies poison the food and sell massive quantities while people load carts with industrial cans to feed their families.
- Pandemic prepping culture reflects a deeper American trend of using fear of cataclysm as an excuse to hoard food in pantries and closets.
- 5 min
Costco as a Grotesque Turning Point in American Culture
#He continues railing against Costco's oversized bulk food culture, imagining it becoming a shameful relic like smoking bars, and mocking Instagram influencers who feed their families processed junk like 'pizza cake.'
8moments
- Costco represents a grotesque turning point in American culture — walking into an industrial warehouse buying tubs and barrels of things, piling so much onto a cart you can barely see your child.
- The warehouse created a self-contained ecosystem: food courts with rotisserie chicken and frozen yogurt meant you had to eat there to have energy for a two to three hour shopping trip.
- Costco kept the temperature subzero to keep overweight people comfortable and shopping longer — as soon as they start sweating they leave.
- It should be shameful and embarrassing to be a member of Costco; this is not how you should shop or feed your family.
- Working-class food creators on Instagram are now making videos with poison food like pizza cake and processed lunchables, getting viewership for the worst possible meals.
- GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy represent a turning point — they're becoming so effective that people eat significantly less and food companies are flipping out.
- Novo Nordisk, the maker of Wegovy, is now Europe's most valuable company worth over 500 billion euros — this marks the beginning of turning against food warehouses.
- The GLP-1 drug revolution is the beginning of a big turning point where people will start turning on these food warehouses fast.
Costcofood cultureNovo NordiskGLP-1 drugsKirkland Signature
- 4 min
Ozempic as the Cure for Costco and a New Turning Point
#Tim speculates that Ozempic-type weight loss drugs could reshape America by making people disgusted by warehouse food culture, joking that Costco should trigger an Exorcist-style reaction once the drugs take hold.
8moments
- Ozempic could reshape America and fundamentally change how people relate to food and consumption.
- Nobody on Ozempic would want to go to Costco, unlike porn's effect on a remote Amazon tribe.
- Walking into Costco on Ozempic should trigger revulsion similar to The Exorcist, with food stacked so high it could kill you.
- The Costco experience is like watching San Francisco's needle-strewn streets while 14 years sober—a vision of cultural decline.
- An article describes Costco as a cult: sensory overload, merchandise in cardboard boxes, no signs, everything in the back.
- Tim hopes Costcos become museums, like bars that used to litter America but are now mostly gone.
- In the not-too-distant future, people will reject bulk shopping entirely, deciding against buying 300-piece appetizer boxes.
- Tim's mother once bought a Costco box containing 80 potato puffs, 80 things of other appetizers—too much for any actual party.
- 11 min
America's Obsession With the Easy Way Out (Ozempic, Networking, Disability)
#He argues that Ozempic critics calling it 'the easy way out' are missing that America has always sought shortcuts, citing networking culture, a friend's Home Depot injury settlement, and Silicon Valley hype men, before circling back to fattening the Amazon tribe with Raising Cane's and Ozempic investments.
16moments
- Tim argues America's obsession with finding the easy way out predates Ozempic and is fundamental to the country's identity.
- He claims the U.S. took credit for Russia's World War II victory—a typical example of taking the easy way out.
- American parents point to working people on the street as a warning of failure, suggesting honest labor is something to avoid.
- Tim defends Ozempic against the criticism that it's the easy way out, noting America does everything the easy way.
- Most Americans read at a fifth-grade level because seventh-grade books are too hard—another example of choosing ease over effort.
- Tim describes his friend who injured himself in a Home Depot parking lot, sat for two years, and collected $50,000 from a corporation.
- The American dream isn't hard work—it's hacking the system and getting lucky, like kids in hoodies getting millions from Peter Thiel.
- Modern life makes everything easy, even things it shouldn't: it's easy to become overweight when cheap food is ubiquitous.
- Networking obsession is a full admission that unqualified people want to slip into things they don't deserve.
- He observes Ozempic's billion-dollar valuation proves people pay premium prices for easy ways out.
- Tim notes that telling people to do something difficult and hard won't generate the wealth that easy solutions do.
- Costco's appeal lies in making it easy to consume massive quantities of processed food for families to gorge on.
- Tim imagines introducing Ozempic, plastic surgery, and Raising Canes chicken to uncontacted Amazon tribes, creating a profitable ecosystem.
- He speculates that wealthy people invest in both fast food and weight-loss drugs simultaneously to profit from whichever direction things go.
- In America, the strategy is to cover all your bases with money so you're on top regardless of the outcome.
- Segment ends with Tim still discussing the necessity of hedging bets in America.
Peter ThielCostcoRaising CanesAmazon tribesGLP-1 drugsNestleElon MuskTucker Carlson
- 1 min
Closing Bit: Always Drive Away Except for Jerry Seinfeld
#Tim closes by reaffirming his philosophy of never intervening when someone is being attacked, joking the only exception would be if Jerry Seinfeld were the one hitting him.
2moments
- Tim's advice to anyone witnessing an attack: get in your car and drive away.
- The only exception to driving away would be if Tim himself were getting hit by Jerry Seinfeld.