Episode 383 · The Studio Revamp
Biden's SOTU & The Lazarus Drug | The Tim Dillon Show #383
Mar 9, 2024 · 57:26 · 425,000 views · 17 segments, 112 moments indexed
Tim dives into President Biden’s State of the Union, justice arriving for the Gilbert Goons, being a prosecutor, super commuting versus forever renting and homeless people’s favorite ice cream.
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- 2 min
Biden's State of the Union: The Lazarus Drug
#Tim opens by reacting to Biden's energetic State of the Union performance, joking that Biden is on some miracle drug ("The Lazarus Drug") that makes him coherent for brief bursts, comparing it to George W. Bush's verbal flubs becoming normalized.
6moments
- Biden is on some drug that's working—he looked genuinely good at the State of the Union.
- The aesthetic was like he came to a party, doing crowd work and going off script with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
- Tim compares Biden's speech patterns to George W. Bush, who couldn't speak but people got used to it as a fun thing.
- Biden's flubs are becoming predictable—he searches for words, pauses awkwardly, but eventually finds them, keeping viewers hanging on.
- Biden caught himself mid-sentence about Moscow, doubled back, and saved it—showing some self-awareness in the moment.
- The debates are going to be brutal, with viewers hanging on every word he says, but his unpredictability has made him exciting again.
- 3 min
Biden Loses the Thread After Laken Riley Mention
#Tim describes the moment Biden was prompted by Marjorie Taylor Greene to say Laken Riley's name, praises how he pivoted the moment back to himself, then notes Biden looked lost and confused right after.
6moments
- Tim notices Biden had moments of confusion during his largely coherent speech, losing track of where he was going.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene asked Biden to say Laken Riley's name, the woman killed by an illegal immigrant.
- Biden appeared visibly lost after mentioning Laken Riley, uncertain how he'd arrived at that moment.
- Tim suggests Biden is on a special drug—the Lazarus drug—that allows dying presidents to perform at the podium.
- The version of Biden at the podium is the best version available; you won't see him this coherent elsewhere.
- Tim contrasts the podium Biden with the version eating ice cream and talking about Israel and Gaza.
Marjorie Taylor GreeneLacy Lincoln Riley
- 2 min
Give Biden a Prop Bag and a Pin for Every Crisis
#Riffing on Biden's use of a pin to remember Laken Riley's name, Tim proposes Biden get a whole bag of visual props and pins for every issue (China, Taiwan, etc.) to help him get through debates.
5moments
- Lincoln Riley case: Biden says she was killed by an illegal, then pivots back to his own experience of losing children.
- Tim reacts to Biden's redirection, shocked at how quickly he made the tragedy about himself.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene interrupted Biden's practiced speech, and afterwards he seems confused and befuddled.
- Post-interruption, Biden doesn't know where he is in the narrative, loses coherence, keeps groping for his talking points.
- Tim argues Biden should always have a prop bag and a pin—literal props to hand out during every crisis he addresses.
- 5 min
Marjorie Taylor Greene's Pin Store and the Politicization of Death
#Tim imagines a store where you can turn any politically-charged death into a pin, keychain, or snow globe, joking about Democrats and Republicans each having their own catalog of tragedy souvenirs, and offering himself as a future keychain.
7moments
- People smugglers charge $8,000 to cross the border because migrants know they'll get eight years before a hearing, making it worth the risk.
- Tim suggests giving candidates pins as visual aids during debates—China becomes a pin, Taiwan becomes a pin, everything becomes a pin.
- A big map of the Border as a prop bag of gadgets keeps the candidate on track and buys him time while the drugs are working.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene is covered in pins featuring faces of people killed by illegal aliens.
- Tim describes the concept as a fun carnival attraction where you can turn dead people into pins and merchandise them.
- Any death you want to politicize should have a place in this store—snow globes, lava lamps, pins, targets for people's faces.
- Tim jokes that if an illegal immigrant kills him, he should be made into a keychain to hand out at Turning Point USA conventions.
- 5 min
Taking Credit for the Preston Lord Case and the Smoothie Cafe Cover-Up
#Tim boasts about pushing the Preston Lord murder story in Gilbert, Arizona nationally, claiming credit for the arrests, and rants about "low-rent" smoothie-shop-owning locals trying to cover up a murder versus how only the elite are supposed to get away with that.
8moments
- Marjorie Taylor Greene and politicians should wear pins for every person killed in ways they politicize—school shootings, police killings, abortions.
- Tim's idea: turn politically motivated deaths into convention souvenirs and pins.
- Tim takes credit for pressuring Arizona police to arrest seven people in the Preston Lord murder case.
- He was the one pushing the Preston Lord story because he wanted to make a film about it and also believed in justice.
- Low-rent Taio gym owners running smoothie cafes don't deserve to cover up a child's murder the way elite families like the Kennedys and Bushes do.
- Tim refuses to let smoothie cafe owners control the history of the declining American empire.
- Tim admits he initially framed the case as a Mormon conspiracy, which wasn't true but shifted attention away from Jewish involvement.
- He insists listeners should never question his motives.
- 2 min
Israel Calls Before They Bomb You, and Why He Cares About the Case
#A tangent about Israel supposedly calling/texting Palestinians before bombing them, then back to explaining his motivation for following the Preston Lord case as a matter of injustice.
5moments
- Israel calls Palestinians before bombing them, which Tim finds respectful—they text fire emojis as a heads-up.
- Tim explains why he got invested in the case: injustice anywhere is a threat to everyone, even people he describes as undeserving of killing.
- No national figure was leading the movement to hold the perpetrators accountable, which motivated his involvement.
- Tim complains that people skip over his crusades for imprisoning white children and only focus on moments where he accidentally says something racist.
- He wanted the death penalty for the high school defendants because he thinks capital punishment in their case would be funny.
- 3 min
Calling for the Death Penalty for the "Gilbert Goons"
#Tim says the teens accused in the Preston Lord killing should get the death penalty, jokes about suing threats, mocks the arraignment judge's mustache and glasses, and comments on the family's attorney.
6moments
- Tim threatens to sue back anyone who sues him, noting he has no family to protect and all his money reserved for litigation.
- The judge's handlebar mustache and black rim glasses prompt Tim to question whether Arizona is even a real state and suggest the judge is part of the conspiracy.
- Tim calls the defendant's attorney competent and insists she's 'no joke' in the case.
- Arizona dressing standards are criticized as coming from a cowboy background, making it a 'freak show.'
- The actual criminal defendant's attorney, someone who does DWIs, is praised as a real criminal who'll plant evidence if needed.
- Tim says he hasn't decided against potentially working for the family involved, keeping his options open because he doesn't know the full situation.
ArizonaJenny SlateLisa TragerTim Dylan
- 5 min
Mocking Arizona and Plotting a Freestyle Rap Trial Strategy
#Extended riff mocking Arizona residents' intelligence and reading levels, followed by Tim's fantasy of personally prosecuting the case with costumes, a smoke machine, and a freestyle rap opening statement to win over a dumb jury.
10moments
- Arizona residents have weird names for things and the state is a nightmare, not a paradise
- Tim would try the case himself instead of bringing in a lawyer, claiming he's better at jury manipulation
- Arizona jury pool has a second-grade reading level, making them vulnerable to visual spectacle over evidence
- Tim says he'd deliver a conviction by putting on a show rather than presenting facts
- He's willing to do a freestyle rap for an opening statement to reach the Arizona jury
- Tim describes his trial strategy: a colorful hoodie, boom box, and rhyming accusations about killing a kid
- The victim died at a Halloween party, which gives Tim the idea to have everyone wear costumes for closing arguments
- Requiring the jury to dress up in Halloween costumes would seem counterproductive but people like dressing up
- Rachel Mitchell, the prosecutor, yelled at Reddit users on social media for trying to solve the crime themselves
- Arizona is a hole, despite being a water sponsor of the show
ArizonaRachel MitchellChristine Whan
- 3 min
Tim discusses prosecutor Rachel Mitchell's press conference scolding online sleuths, respect for her toughness, then reads ads for Fume (vape alternative) and Gametime (ticket app) that stay mostly on-script.
10moments
- Tim discusses the Rachel Mitchell press conference, acknowledging police impugned the investigation's credibility and made unprovoked accusations at community members' children.
- Community pressure drove the case forward after Gilbert Police ignored years of gang violence, culminating in Lake Riley's death.
- Tim shifts to promoting Fume, describing the vaping device as more flavorful and fresh than expected, comparing it to herbal tea rather than sweet sodas.
- Fume ad break: Tim directs listeners to tryfume.com with code Tim for 10% off the journey pack.
- Tim transitions to GameTime app, explaining his difficulty buying last-minute event tickets before discovering the service.
- GameTime offers fast, easy ticket purchasing for sports, music, comedy, and theater with killer last-minute deals and price guarantees.
- The app makes browsing upcoming events simple, from Taylor Swift concerts to Netflix Is a Joke Fest and major comedy shows.
- GameTime's seat-view feature lets buyers see exactly what they're getting before purchase, with all-in pricing displayed upfront.
- GameTime ad concludes: download the app, use code Tim for $20 off first purchase with two-tap checkout and cancellation protection.
- Tim returns to serious topic, remarking he has respect for the woman being discussed.
- 2 min
Tim plays and reacts to Rachel Mitchell's actual press conference announcing four indictments in the Preston Lord murder, mocking her delivery while reiterating he wants the death penalty.
5moments
- Tim explains why he respects Rachel Mitchell, calling her "no joke" for handling the case.
- Rachel Mitchell announces a grand jury indictment of four people in the murder of Preston Lord, a 16-year-old boy.
- Mitchell criticizes people posting unfounded theories on social media, calling the effect on the family "how dare you."
- Tim interrupts Mitchell's statement, making a joke about finding "the ring" and bringing it to Mount Doom.
- Tim says he wants the kids convicted and given the death penalty, and wants to be the one to try the case.
- 3 min
Tim reacts to a Wall Street Journal profile of a man who flies from Columbus, Ohio to New York weekly for work, joking that the guy sounds like a serial killer and reflecting on commuting as most people's life.
4moments
- Wall Street Journal profiles a man super commuting from Ohio to New York City every week instead of living in the city.
- Tim calls the guy a serial killer for living in Ohio to take walks with his sister.
- The majority of people's lives consist of commuting between places they don't want to be.
- Forever renting has become more common, with the average age of renters now 33, up from 29 a decade ago.
- 4 min
Tim discusses the rising average age of renters, the psychology of younger people avoiding homeownership, forcibly evicting Boomers as a joke solution, then transitions into the Morgan and Morgan personal injury law ad.
7moments
- Real estate experts report higher-income renters deliberately choosing apartments over buying, preferring not to commit money to property.
- Renting offers no security—landlords can raise prices whenever they want, trapping tenants like his Brooklyn friends in deteriorating apartments.
- Boomers rode an incredible real estate appreciation wave that younger generations don't expect to repeat, especially after seeing parents fight over houses in divorces.
- Apartment buildings target 27-year-olds with 'orange dads' design themes, and the average renter age has climbed from 29 to 33 in a decade.
- Tim's solution to the housing crisis: forcibly evict Boomers from their houses, put them in mental institutions, and sell the properties to younger people.
- Wait for Bitcoin to go back up, then get on the ride and buy a house—though this is not financial advice.
- Morgan and Morgan pitch: America's largest personal injury law firm with 100 offices, 1,000+ lawyers, and $20 billion recovered for over 500,000 clients.
Morgan and MorganBoomersreal estate market in New York
- 6 min
Tim riffs on a story about San Francisco homeless people stealing pints from Salt and Straw, contrasting Ken Griffin's real estate dominance with homeless guys eating gourmet ice cream, and imagining a needle-for-ice-cream exchange program.
10moments
- Store manager claims homeless people steal 5 to 10 pints of Salt and Straw ice cream per day, with chocolate gooey brownie and salted malted cookie dough as their favorites.
- Tim argues there are two ways to know you've made it in America: be Ken Griffin with the most expensive apartment in every city, or be a homeless guy in San Francisco eating premium ice cream.
- If an employee at Salt and Straw watches someone steal ice cream, the only acceptable response is a resigned 'that's all right' before they leave.
- Tim questions why everyone doesn't just steal ice cream from Salt and Straw, imagining homeless people abandoning fentanyl to become 500-pound ice cream thieves instead.
- Proposal: Salt and Straw should officially give homeless people free ice cream and stop with the fentanyl problem entirely.
- Tim suggests exchanging needles or guns found on the street for ice cream cones—a needle-for-cone program at Salt and Straw.
- Homeless people reject Salt and Straw's fancy flavors like avocado and burnt fig, demanding simple chocolate brownie or cookie dough instead.
- Calling the police in San Francisco to report stolen ice cream is so low on priority that an officer would cite it after dealing with burning bus stations and trapped tourists in elevators.
- SFPD dispatcher imagines the hierarchy of crimes—free family from barricaded elevator, then address the cookies and cream theft.
- The absurdity of Salt and Straw's ice cream theft being treated as an afterthought crime in a city with far worse problems.
- 1 min
The Golden Age of the American Jew Is Ending
#A brief aside where Tim reacts to a headline about the golden age of the American Jew ending, joking that his agent and manager are Gentiles.
2moments
- Tim reads the headline "The Golden Age of the American Jew is Ending" and dismisses it.
- Tim promotes upcoming live dates, highlighting the Royal Albert Hall in London as the marquee venue.
- 2 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates including Royal Albert Hall in London, Fantasy Springs Resort, Phoenix, Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow, Amsterdam, and more.
3moments
- Tim lists upcoming tour dates: Phoenix, Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow, Amsterdam, London, Helsinki, Stockholm, Dublin, San Jose, Port Chester, Atlantic City, and the Royal Albert Hall.
- Tim hopes the Gilbert Goons face jail time and criminal consequences for their actions.
- Tim imagines himself as a trial attorney addressing a jury, prepared to give up his podcasting job for a week to make the case against them.
- 8 min
The Full Courtroom Fantasy: Frying the Gilbert Goons
#Tim elaborates his fantasy opening and closing statements for prosecuting the Preston Lord case, including strippers, a smoke machine, costumes, and rhetoric about killing kids to save others, wrapping into how Biden's speech similarly promised spectacle without substance.
16moments
- Tim describes his courtroom closing argument strategy: paint a new picture every day of why the defendant needs to be executed, knowing facts won't decide the case.
- Jury would be more convinced if children still faced public execution, so they'd learn proper behavior from watching it happen to other kids.
- The problem with modern America: communists running schools prevent beating children with spoons like we used to, which kept kids in line.
- Courtroom fantasy escalates: bringing in Arizona strippers in tasteful shirts of the deceased victim, dancing while Tim shouts about frying the defendant.
- These kids running around town with nicer cars than jury members—that's the real crime that justifies execution and theft.
- A $10 necklace gold chain led to this tragedy, according to the case details.
- Joe Biden's drug-fueled comeback: he looks like the luck dragon from The NeverEnding Story, just flying around saying whatever comes to mind.
- Biden's speeches are theater—he just says stuff, and people don't listen to the words because the spectacle carries him.
- Ukraine is being compared to the opening of Saving Private Ryan, but Tim doesn't think his generation is going to storm that beach for this conflict.
- Tim knows how these things end—Afghanistan proved it: we left, the Taliban came back, and we'd already put them back in before really leaving.
- Biden frames Ukraine like World War II to motivate young people, but instead of enlisting, the Gilbert goons are just doing fentanyl vapes.
- Biden's pitch for Ukraine war: it's World War II in scope, but you don't actually have to do anything—just watch while we print fake money and send it over.
- Biden admits Delaware is the most corrupt state, full of corrupt corporations, then says 'we're going to make a lot of money'—which Tim finds almost refreshingly honest.
- This Biden speech is effective because he asks nothing of the audience while promising massive geopolitical stakes, letting people just make pins with dead immigrant faces on them.
- Biden pivots from World War II warnings about Putin directly to abortion restrictions, wrapping every concern into a single campaign bundle.
- Tim's read on Biden's campaign strategy: make huge proclamations about history judging us, then offer absolutely nothing, telling people to go play scratch-offs and commute five states to kill themselves.
Yes or yesJoe BidenVladimir PutinUkraine
- 1 min
Tim closes the show reminding listeners about tickets at tipdcomedy.com, mentions being off last week due to other podcast appearances, thanks Morgan and Morgan, and signs off.
2moments
- Tim apologizes for missing last week due to episodes with Andrew Schulz and a PBD podcast, asking how much media people actually need.
- Tim insists he could win any case if allowed to try it.