Episode 399 · The Studio Revamp
Biden's Mumbles & Dance Moms | The Tim Dillon Show #399
Jul 13, 2024 · 1:13:41 · 494,000 views · 21 segments, 126 moments indexed
Tim examines President Biden's press conference, dance moms, weapon catalogues, fake babies, celebrity kids, NYC realtors and the return of pragmatism.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Congratulating President Trump
#Tim opens by sarcastically congratulating Trump on the election, noting it feels inevitable, then riffs on how quickly summer disappears compared to other seasons.
2moments
- Tim congratulates President Trump, suggesting the outcome seems inevitable and joking about saving money on the election.
- Summer feels like it's flying by, and Halloween will be here tomorrow.
- 2 min
Biden's Frozen Donor Money and the Forceful Whisper
#Tim discusses big donors freezing $90 million in campaign funds after Biden's shaky debate performance and fundraiser appearance, and mocks Biden's habit of forcefully whispering reassurances.
5moments
- Summer is the most ephemeral time of year; January to May feels like an eternity, but now until fall flies by.
- Big donors have frozen $90 million meant for Biden because major money players are getting nervous after the debate.
- Biden showed up at a fundraiser a few days after the debate, spoke for seven minutes, and left without comforting anyone.
- Tim likes Biden's habit of whispering very forcefully while saying nothing will happen — there's something compelling about a determined elderly person clinging to power.
- An old person hanging on to life bitterly makes Tim feel alive; some would call it elder abuse, but he enjoys watching a man well past his prime refuse to go.
- 5 min
Dance Moms as a Metaphor for Biden's Press Conference
#Tim compares Biden's high-pressure press conference to the reality show Dance Moms and tyrannical coach Abby Lee Miller, riffing on JoJo Siwa and the terror of being unable to make mistakes, then ties it to Biden's fear of ending his political 'competition.'
10moments
- Dance Moms was a show where Abby Lee Miller screamed at children to perform perfect dance routines without a single mistake.
- Tim likes watching greatness demanded of children, though he admits the show seemed rather amoral.
- JoJo Siwa was on Dance Moms and has since become a terrifying lesbian who dresses like Satan and Kiss.
- Abby Lee Miller would break down girls if they hesitated or deviated even slightly from choreography.
- Biden's press conference is like Dance Moms—a man way too old for this pressure, forced to perform perfectly at the NATO Summit.
- Biden should have a lazy life on Long Island, eating tomatoes and reading a chapter before bed instead of being at high-stakes summits.
- Biden has the same expression as those terrified Dance Moms kids—he knows his life is over if he screws up.
- If Biden stops competing and leaves office, he'll disintegrate and die, knowing he handed the country back to Trump.
- The fun of Dance Moms was watching the kids try not to mess up knowing they'd face Abby Miller's wrath if they did.
- Tim draws the parallel: Joey Biden is under the same pressure as those Dance Moms kids before their routine.
Abby Lee MillerJoe BidenDance MomsJoJo Siwa
- 3 min
Tim reacts to clips of Biden's NATO press conference gaffes, including introducing Zelensky as Putin, and describes Zelensky's terrified facial expression as knowing the alliance is crumbling.
7moments
- Biden introduced Zelensky as Putin at a press conference.
- Tim catalogs Biden's other issues: staring off into space, weak voice, losing his place.
- Zelensky's face shows he knows the situation is over when Biden calls him President Putin.
- Zelensky has put all his faith in an administration that's introducing him as Putin at the NATO Summit.
- Zelensky's expression mirrors every mortgage broker in 2007 who knew things were about to collapse.
- Tim recalls corporate meetings where CEOs claimed 'the fundamentals of the company are strong' before mass layoffs.
- The man Zelensky relies on for money is introducing him as President Putin, then says 'I'm better.'
- 5 min
Zelensky the Comedian and the CIA's 'Sloppy' Installation
#Tim marvels at the fact that Zelensky was literally a comedic actor who played a president on TV before becoming Ukraine's actual president, joking about how sloppy this would look to Putin and the CIA.
7moments
- The CIA's installation of Zelensky as Ukraine's president is the sloppiest operation ever.
- Zelensky played the president on a Ukrainian comedy show called 'Servant of the People' before becoming the actual president.
- Tim imagines Putin's reaction to learning the CIA installed a comedian as president of Ukraine.
- People around Tim cite NATO as essential for safety, but he points out it hasn't prevented crime in American cities.
- Migration crises, not Russian aggression, are destabilizing European politics and driving right-wing populist gains.
- Zelensky's expression when Biden called him President Putin revealed he understands the Ukraine war is a U.S. weapons sale.
- For the American government, the Ukraine war is a commercial weapons transaction rather than a conflict they genuinely care about.
Volodymyr ZelenskyyServant of the PeopleVladimir PutinCIANATOmigration
- 3 min
NATO as a Weapons Catalog (L.L. Bean Bit)
#Tim argues NATO functions primarily as a weapons-sales alliance, comparing it to an L.L. Bean catalog for white people, and claims migration—not Russia—is what's really destabilizing European politics.
4moments
- NATO is primarily a weapons sales catalog, like an L.L.Bean catalog for white people.
- NATO functions as a monthly weapons catalog: countries get a pamphlet and pick which missile they want.
- Joining NATO means buying weapons from NATO-approved manufacturers and pointing them at your anticipated enemy.
- Ukraine thought joining NATO would get them missiles to point at Moscow, leading to the current war.
- 4 min
Fake Gaza Footage and the 500-Pound Bomb Math
#Tim recounts being told Gaza casualty footage is fake, mocks Biden's claim of not sending 2,000-pound bombs while sending 500-pound bombs, and jokes about the math of stacking smaller bombs.
5moments
- Tim on claims that all Gaza footage is fake propaganda, comparing it to movies like Independence Day and Batman.
- Biden sending 500-pound bombs to Israel instead of 2,000-pound bombs presented as restraint.
- NATO described as a weapons manufacturer ring with offices in Virginia and DC rather than a genuine defense alliance.
- Tim explains how NATO destabilizes regions by selling weapons to countries, then calling those countries sick dictators when they respond.
- Post-9/11 logic of invading Afghanistan and Iraq despite Saudi Arabia being the actual attacker.
- 8 min
Tim jokes about his own 'mukbang for Gaza,' riffs on billionaires like Jamie Dimon and Bezos eventually joining NATO with personal nukes, then plays and reacts to Biden's rambling, increasingly unhinged press conference answers about guns and democracy.
10moments
- Tim notes that U.S. foreign policy rhetoric from George W. Bush through Biden remains fundamentally unchanged—always about finding and eliminating bad guys.
- Biden claims he won't send 2,000-pound bombs to Israel because they cause civilian casualties in populated areas.
- Tim points out that the administration is sending 500-pound bombs instead—and multiplying them together reaches 2,000 pounds anyway.
- Tim references his mukbang for Gaza, a video where he ate hummus and fell asleep on the couch as activism.
- Tim predicts that billionaires will eventually become individual NATO members, with Jamie Dimon and Bezos joining as their own countries with nuclear weapons.
- Biden shows flashes of rage and anger during a gun violence speech, losing his composure in a way Tim finds compelling to watch.
- Elderly people experience moments of unchecked rage because they're nearing death and have no one left to impress.
- Tim's grandmother would become enraged at his eating habits, insulting him and his mother for their restaurant indulgence.
- Biden refuses to step down because his next act is literally death, making him impossible to remove without intervention from figures like Pelosi and Obama.
- Tim is about to show a clip of Biden losing his mind during remarks about gun violence.
HamasGeorge W. BushJoe BidenGazaIsmail HaniyehJamie DimonJeff BezosYahya Sinwar+9 more
- 3 min
The Bank Robbery Metaphor for Biden's Fall
#Tim compares the political establishment's sudden turn on Biden to a group of bank robbers throwing one member under the bus after getting caught, arguing everyone knew about his decline all along.
6moments
- Biden had the debate questions beforehand, which the media's softball questions also confirmed.
- Tim plays Biden's answer about democracy and civil rights, finding it rambling and unfocused.
- Biden claims children are killed by bullets more than any other cause of death in America.
- Tim notes the press couldn't understand Biden's democracy speech, even though 60% of voters agreed with the message.
- The Biden situation is like a bank robbery where everyone was in on it, then one guy got caught and they all blamed him.
- Biden and Jill know the whole party knew how bad things were, and now everyone's throwing him under the bus.
- 8 min
Nepo Babies and Ben Affleck's Daughter's Long Covid Speech
#Tim discusses the psychology of celebrity children, praising some nepo babies as genuinely talented (Warren Beatty's granddaughter) while contrasting Chet Hanks unfavorably, before turning to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's daughter Violet.
10moments
- Tim explains the difficulties celebrity children face in achieving any normality in their lives.
- Chad Hanks, son of Tom Hanks, stands out as the most well-adjusted celebrity child despite lacking his father's talent.
- On nepo babies: some are actually talented and skilled because they grew up around the industry and took acting classes.
- Tim saw Warren Beatty's daughter Ella Beatty in a New York play and says she was genuinely great.
- Some talent gets transferred through genes to children, but when none of it does, that's when there's a real problem.
- Tim acknowledges Chad Hanks has handled his situation well despite Tom Hanks's talent not being present in him.
- Tim describes his own parents: a swim teacher mother and wine-selling father who didn't produce a waterfall of talent.
- Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner—both hot and talented—should logically have produced a model or actress, but something went wrong.
- Ben Affleck's daughter isn't bad-looking, but Tim notes that something clearly happened here.
- Tim is about to examine footage of what's going on with Ben Affleck's daughter's situation.
nepo babiesBen AffleckJennifer GarnerChad HanksElla BeningTom HanksAnnette BeningWarren Beatty
- 1 min
A clip plays of Violet Affleck speaking as a first-time voter about contracting a post-viral condition and advocating for mask mandates and Long Covid protections.
5moments
- Tim opens on Violet Affleck's credentials: daughter of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, which he suggests disqualifies her from giving life advice.
- One in ten COVID infections leads to Long COVID, a devastating neurological and cardiovascular illness that can take away people's ability to work, move, see, and think.
- Long COVID stands to worsen homelessness crisis and hits communities of color, disabled people, elderly people, trans people, women, and essential workers hardest.
- Violet calls for mask availability, air filtration, far UVC light in government facilities including jails, and mask mandates in county medical facilities.
- The county must expand availability of high-quality free tests and treatment, and most importantly oppose mask bans for any reason.
Violet AffleckLong covidBen AffleckJennifer Garner
- 5 min
Predicting the Return of the 80s, Suburbs, and Pragmatism
#Tim lays out his cultural predictions: the 80s aesthetic, fitness, religion, and suburban life are returning as Zoomers watch broke Millennials struggle in cities, and argues pragmatism is replacing empty status-seeking.
9moments
- Tim describes the expected arc for a celebrity child — either successful nepotism or a complete reversal.
- His cultural predictions: the 80s, fitness, financial responsibility, and religion are all coming back.
- Zoomers watched millennials move to cities chasing creative dreams and end up broke in their 30s and 40s.
- The new trend Tim predicts is young people choosing to be roofers in the suburbs with families instead.
- Tim argues that pragmatism is the cultural shift he sees emerging across all ages.
- Simple doesn't mean bad — people realize they've overcomplicated life and are starting to reject the complexity.
- People move to Brooklyn to be different without knowing what that actually requires, then celebrate each other's minor successes while getting nowhere.
- Technology promised to improve life but has instead complicated it and degraded collective mental health.
- Tim questions how many linguistic hoops society now requires people to jump through to discuss discrimination.
pragmatismUkraine
- 2 min
Pregnant Men, Manufactured Victimhood, and Woke Delay
#Tim mocks invented identity categories like 'pregnant men,' argues cancel culture has mostly faded except among people still fighting 2020-era battles, and says both left and right indulge in victimhood.
5moments
- Society hasn't done enough for pregnant men and inventing new classes of people to blow up their stories as representative of broader things.
- Tim argues victimhood is attractive to both left and right, each with their own manufactured grievances.
- People still talking about woke culture in 2020 terms when the pendulum has already swung the other way.
- Yes there was a time people lost jobs for what they said, but that era is over — folks need to relax.
- Hearing people speak years later with a delay about things that have already moved past, like colleges still being woke when they're not.
Morgan and Morganwokepregnant men
- 2 min
Tim reads a Morgan & Morgan injury law ad and spins it into a dark exaggerated story about a friend prioritizing calling the law firm over saving his burning family.
4moments
- Tim's friend gets hit by a drunk driver on the Long Island Expressway with his entire family in the car.
- The friend abandons his family to run out and find cell service to call Morgan and Morgan instead of helping them escape the vehicle.
- Tim describes the friend watching his family burn to death while prioritizing a lawyer call to ensure proper compensation.
- When the wife screams that their children are burning, he responds that Morgan and Morgan's fee is free unless they win.
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for the Game Time ticket app, describing discounts, seat views, and price guarantees for live events.
2moments
- Tim recommends Game Time app for finding last-minute deals on live events, sports, concerts, comedy, and theater, saving up to 60% off.
- The app shows all-in pricing and seat views so you know exactly where you're sitting, with lowest price guaranteed and flexible customer service.
- 3 min
The Death of Fame and Money as Status
#Tim continues his pragmatism thesis, arguing fame and extreme wealth have lost their cultural currency because everyone's been made famous and rich people now look pathetic, segueing into real estate reality TV.
5moments
- Tim argues that pragmatism is returning as young people recognize fame has lost its currency and status value.
- Fame has been destroyed by making everyone famous; Andy Warhol's 15 minutes prediction has come to pass.
- Money retains value in general, but extreme wealth now looks pathetic and ridiculous rather than aspirational.
- Real estate shows should open with hosts admitting they're failed actors choosing it as a second or third career.
- Realtors represent the damned—people with sociopathic work ethics settling for a fallback profession they never wanted.
Ryan SerhantAndy Warhol
- 5 min
Tim reacts to a trailer for the reality show 'Owning Manhattan,' mocking the failed-actor-turned-realtor archetype and joking that real estate agents on these shows should fear acid attacks or being thrown out windows for how they represent wealth.
10moments
- Tim hopes the trend of reality television ends with violence against realtors.
- The trailer makes wealth look stupid, and Tim finds it embarrassing despite driving a Bentley with candy-cane seats.
- The show's premise: after selling $300 million in real estate, the host started her own company with a ruthless confidence pitch.
- These real estate agents should be afraid to go to their apartments at night, attacked in the street, thrown out windows.
- Tim suggests throwing acid at real estate agents in the street, comparing it to acid attacks in London.
- 90% of every real estate office is people doing nothing—the show's premise that real estate is a blood sport is absurd.
- Tim tells his hot but dumb friends to become real estate agents because they can make money doing it.
- Imagine someone from the Owning Manhattan show getting acid thrown in their face at a cafe, then appearing on season four with burn scars.
- Tim clarifies he's not advocating violence but saying real estate agents on the show should fear for their lives.
- People on these shows should be afraid to go out in public because someone might throw them in a van and they'd never be heard from again.
realtorsreal estate agentsOwning ManhattanNew York CityLondon
- 6 min
Tim continues reacting to the Owning Manhattan trailer, calling the ultra-expensive Central Park apartment soulless and a money laundering scheme, and argues the ultra-rich should be invisible rather than showcased on TV.
7moments
- A $250 million apartment in New York is not actually nice; new construction luxury buildings look like soulless casinos designed to sell to oligarchs.
- Tim describes the apartment market as a vertical money laundering scheme.
- The super-rich have been demystified by social media and reality TV, which has made their excess pathetic rather than impressive.
- Realtors in New York are meaningless transactional workers who open doors for Chinese billionaires and have no design or creative contribution.
- The real estate industry lacks humility and self-awareness, functioning as a bad look for the city that will eventually be replaced by technology.
- Tim suggests realtors should be afraid to appear in public because their lives have no value or meaning.
- New York City's current identity has been defined by these hollow people and their vapid ambitions.
real estate industryCentral ParkKim Kardashian
- 7 min
America as a Bloated Corpse With No Elite Leadership
#Tim expands into a broader rant about how the country's elites and young talented people only care about extracting wealth rather than leading or building anything meaningful, contrasting billionaire tech founders with imagined political dynasties.
11moments
- New York used to represent eccentric characters and crazy people, but now it's just basic delusional narcissists pretending to get excited about bathroom tile.
- Wealth shows are terrible advertisements for money itself—the real goal should be power, not just accumulation.
- The entire country has become a CIA slush fund like BCCI, a Cayman Islands scheme where nobody cares what happens to it.
- Owning an expensive penthouse means nothing if you have no influence or power beyond sucking money out of a bloated corpse empire.
- Where is the next generation of elites stepping up to lead the country instead of just cashing out?
- Every young person chooses to become a billionaire in tech rather than go into politics because they don't care what happens to the country.
- Anyone interested in saving the country instead of making money seems a little Hitlerian.
- Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford graduates apparently just want to become real estate agents.
- Reality TV shows prove how empty and hollow the entire American experiment has become—purely transactional with no long-term vision.
- Tim met a kid who was majoring in real estate at college.
- People are so overwhelmed by what they see outside their homes that they shut the door and ignore the world entirely.
New York CityPeter ThielWall StreetDeutsche BankBCCINATOWest Hampton BeachHarvard+5 more
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates including West Hampton Beach, Salt Lake City, and Plains, Illinois, noting ticket availability and his own laziness about adding shows.
1moment
- Tim responds to a woman at Round Swamp Farm in Bridgehampton who called him irresponsible for carrying too much food.
Round Swamp Farm
- 1 min
Closer: The Woman at Round Swamp Farm and the Basket Complaint
#Tim closes by recounting a woman at a farm stand criticizing him for carrying too much food without a basket, sarcastically wondering why she didn't just get him one.
1moment
- Tim complains about not being given a basket at Round Swamp Farm and demands one