Episode 339 · Post-Ben
Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339
Mar 25, 2023 · 1:02:32 · 477,000 views · 21 segments, 123 moments indexed
Tim opens up about an odd exchange at an LA comedy club, the dirty laundry at the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial and why the TikTok congressional hearings have fast food roots.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: The Eye Twitch Explanation
#Tim addresses comment section accusations that his glasses mean he's on heroin, explaining he actually has an eye twitch/motor tic that people mistake for him having a stroke or hating them.
3moments
- Tim explains he's not wearing glasses today because he's not high on oxycontin, dismissing YouTube comments claiming he's a junkie.
- He has MTS motor tick syndrome with an eye twitch that causes his eyes to roll back, which people mistake for a stroke or sign of hatred.
- The eye tick emerges when he's tired, angry, or in various other states.
- 2 min
The Tim Dillon and Friends Show at The Comedy Store
#He describes his loose 'Friends' show format at The Comedy Store where whoever's around (Spade, Fitzsimmons, Annie) gets up, and mocks people texting him the night before demanding a lineup.
4moments
- Tim says he's perturbed after doing a show at the Comedy Store.
- Tim claims he avoids speaking badly about institutions, then immediately compares Comedy Store staff to people who put Jews in camps.
- Tim explains the Tim Dillon and Friends show format: whatever comedian friends are in town perform, he goes on last.
- People texted him the night before demanding to know the lineup and running order, asking which comedians would perform.
Tim Dylan and FriendsThe Comedy StoreGreg FitzsimmonsDavid SpadeAnnie
- 4 min
His Chinese Godson Gets Kicked Out of the Green Room
#Tim tells the long story of his godson (whose family made Tim godfather for financial reasons), bringing the toddler backstage at The Comedy Store, only for a hulking new security 'guard' to aggressively demand the baby leave over liability rules.
5moments
- Tim's godson's family shows up at Jordan's Lobster Island Park — the father was a podcast fan who asked Tim to be godfather to his son in exchange for a college fund.
- The godson turned out to be Asian, which Tim says changed his calculation on the generosity — he upgraded the offer because the kid is 'high-end, top of the line.'
- Comedy Store hired ex-prison guards from San Quentin who don't know who anyone is, unlike Rogan's Club which has Navy Seals with actual authority.
- An actor friend of Tim's came to the green room, possibly on heroin, and disappeared into the bathroom with another guy.
- One of the hulking brutes tells Tim his two-year-old Chinese godson has to leave the green room immediately.
The Comedy StoreRogan's ClubJordan's Lobster Island ParkSan QuentinComedy MothershipAustinPalm SpringsFlappers+2 more
- 2 min
The Comedy Store's New Prison-Guard Security
#Continuing the saga, Tim complains about the club's new intimidating security staff who kicked out his godson, made comparisons to San Quentin guards, and generally treat producers like criminals.
6moments
- Security guard says a rule forbids Tim's baby from the green room at The Comedy Store, threatening a $500,000 fine.
- Tim questions whether the club has lawyers and questions the enforcement of the rule.
- The real problem wasn't the rule itself but the aggressive posture and hostile way it was delivered by security.
- Tim jokes about having a Chinese child and references Eddie Murphy's The Golden Child as some kind of prophecy.
- The security guard apparently came from Enterprise Rent-A-Car after being removed for attacking a customer.
- New policy: The green room security is now kicking out everybody under 21.
Eddie MurphyLuis GomezThe Comedy StoreThe Golden Child
- 4 min
Justin the Young Comic Gets IDed as a Joke
#A young comedian named Justin jokes he's 13 to a security guard, who then actually demands his ID; Tim also gripes about being brought up on stage and then lit off early despite the audience being great.
8moments
- Tim brings his godson to The Comedy Store instead of Mothership, arguing comedians there have been performing for 75 years.
- The godson gets evicted from the venue because he's too young, with staff walking him out.
- Justin, a young TikTok comic banned for making fun of influencers, hangs out in the green room.
- Tim offers Justin a guest spot, explaining that's the right thing to do in New York comedy clubs.
- A staff member asks Justin his age; the comedian jokes he's 13, then gets asked to show ID.
- Tim performs but the club cuts his set short at five minutes in, though he pushes through for 20 minutes total.
- Tim questions why he got lit so early when his set started at 9:15 and they had a 10 o'clock show, making room turnover unnecessary.
- The overall vibe at the venue felt off and graceless, though Tim acknowledges he's not dwelling on it.
The Comedy StoreAustinMothershipNew YorkThe ImprovAddison Rae
- 2 min
Anti-Irish Vibes and the Green Room Heroin Bathroom Bit
#Tim riffs further on the weird hostile energy at the club, a possible anti-Irish incident involving comedian Colm, and jokes about actor friends allegedly doing drugs in the bathroom while his toddler godson got evicted instead.
6moments
- The show's venue operates with profound incompetence; people need 75 minutes to switch a foot in the room.
- Tim suspects his Irish comedian friend Colm was treated badly due to anti-Irish sentiment at the venue.
- Producing a show at this legendary venue means being treated like a criminal by the current management.
- Tim was screaming at a toddler in the green room during the incident.
- The venue staff never mentioned the actors doing heroin in the bathroom, which Tim suggests should have been part of the conversation.
- Tim jokes there were kids with heroin in the back bathroom but claims he doesn't know if it was actually happening.
The Comedy StoreColm
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Honey, the browser/app coupon-finding tool, praising how easy it is to use and get automatic discounts at checkout.
3moments
- Tim explains why he loves Honey: it's easy, unlike so many other things that make people cry and angry.
- The Honey button pops up during checkout and reveals coupons Tim forgot were available, dropping prices in real time.
- Honey works on iPhones too via Safari, letting users save money on the go.
- 1 min
Tim promotes Magic Spoon's low-sugar, high-protein cereal flavors, listing options like peanut butter and cinnamon roll and offering a discount code.
5moments
- Magic Spoon cereal tastes like the sugary cereals from childhood but is actually healthy, with zero grams of sugar and 13-14 grams of protein per serving.
- Tim recalls watching favorite cartoons during childhood while eating cereal, and Magic Spoon lets you relive that feeling.
- Tim lists all eight Magic Spoon flavors, naming peanut butter as his personal favorite.
- Tim's first experience with Magic Spoon: he tasted it and was shocked at how good it actually tastes.
- Tim recommends putting kids on keto using Magic Spoon cereal and provides the custom bundle link and discount code.
- 6 min
Tim breaks down the Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Terry Sanderson ski collision civil trial, mocking the daughter testifying against her father, Paltrow's Goop products, and the general absurdity of the case going to trial over $300k.
10moments
- Gwyneth Paltrow skied into a man at Deer Valley Resort, and he's now suing her over injuries he claims resulted from the collision.
- Tim compares Gwyneth's Goop store, where she sells candles that allegedly smell like her vagina, to Alex Jones' InfoWars merchandise—both peddling absurd products with pseudoscientific claims.
- Neither party deserves sympathy: Gwyneth Paltrow is wealthy and out of touch, and the plaintiff is a scumbag trying to blame her for his current problems.
- The plaintiff claims the ski accident caused him to become emotionally distant from his family, a claim that strains credulity.
- His own daughter testified against him, saying he was domineering and emotionally abusive long before the ski accident.
- The daughter revealed she had no relationship with her father for thirteen years, undermining his narrative that the collision caused family problems.
- Medical expert Dr. Gibby testified that the plaintiff's injuries couldn't plausibly have resulted from hitting Gwyneth, who weighs around fifty pounds.
- Tim calls the entire civil trial worthless and absurd—a pointless case that never should have entered the court system.
- Being impaneled for the trial would be entertaining precisely because nothing matters and the whole thing is meaningless theater.
- The trial is expected to last eight days, with Gwyneth possibly taking the stand to testify.
Gwyneth PaltrowTerry SandersongoopDeer Valley Resort
- 8 min
Tim covers the TikTok CEO's congressional grilling over Chinese data concerns, comparing TikTok unfavorably to Facebook's radicalization problems and mocking senators' clumsy tech questions like whether TikTok can access a toaster.
10moments
- Gwyneth Paltrow's ski collision trial is one of the stupidest things to ever go to trial—she's worth far more than the $300K being sought and is just fighting it on principle.
- Tim imagines the judge in the middle of the trial asking what the hell they're all doing there.
- Congress is trying to ban TikTok because it's supposedly a tool of Chinese surveillance, unlike Facebook which is supposedly American—despite his aunt joining Q Anon from casserole recipe searches.
- Facebook is far more damaging to America than TikTok; people are eulogizing dead dogs and threatening government members on it.
- TikTok moves too quickly to become radicalized on—it's just mindless scrolling, which makes it more honest about what social media actually is.
- The TikTok CEO explained that TikTok isn't available in mainland China, has its headquarters in Los Angeles and Singapore, and employs 7,000 people in the U.S.
- The worry is that China's government could harvest location data and facial recognition data from TikTok, though Tim notes the data theft cat is already out of the bag.
- Facebook should be banned first; Zuckerberg goes before Congress regularly, and you can tell it's over his head—he just wanted to get his dick wet and now every militia and radical group uses it.
- Tim has seen people genuinely radicalized on Facebook, unlike TikTok.
- At 38, TikTok isn't for him; he tried but you have to tap out at a certain point—the app isn't made for people heading toward 40.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Bespoke Post's subscription gift box service, describing the quiz-based personalization and joking about the odd nail-filing box he once received.
4moments
- TikTok is a Chinese Communist Party weapon to spy on and manipulate Americans for future generations.
- Tim acknowledges the long game might be real, but Americans are doing a phenomenal job weakening themselves anyway.
- Senators interrogating TikTok executives with absurd questions about Wi-Fi and whether the app is turning babies into the opposite gender.
- Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome is a monthly gift subscription based on a quiz about what someone is into.
- 2 min
Back to the hearing footage, Tim mocks the congressman's confused toaster/Wi-Fi questioning of the TikTok CEO and jokes that kids were already messed up before TikTok existed.
4moments
- Tim took a quiz on Box of Awesome and received a box filled with what looked like nail filings and a lighter that didn't work.
- Congressional hearing on whether TikTok accesses the home Wi-Fi network, with the CEO giving evasive answers about industry norms.
- Tim jokes that the congressman is asking if TikTok can mess with the toaster, demanding a yes or no answer.
- Tim's take: kids were shooting up schools and doing heroin before TikTok, so at least the app is getting them to dance instead.
- 2 min
Blaming China and Russia for Everything
#Tim argues America blames Russia and China for problems that are actually caused by domestic education, parenting, and value systems, name-checking crypto-influencer kids mixing Jesus talk with drop shipping.
5moments
- Every problem in America is blamed on China or Russia, never on American government, parenting, or values.
- Tim argues everything was fine until TikTok arrived, ignoring the failing education system and values teaching kids that money is everything.
- Crypto influencers in their twenties spend 90 minutes on dropshipping and 2 minutes on Jesus, claiming God told them to do it.
- Young people are becoming sociopaths, telling themselves God instructed them to trade Luna and buy seven cars.
- Some people think TikTok is helping kids become motivational speakers, though Tim remains unconvinced it's a universal good.
TikTokcrypto influencersEthan Klein
- 3 min
TikTok Data Collection and the Banking Crisis Distraction
#He compares TikTok's data collection to Facebook and Twitter, and notes the news cycle pivoted from bank collapse stories to TikTok fear-mongering.
6moments
- TikTok CEO's pitch: we just want to go to war with China, it's an economic necessity.
- Tim won't defend TikTok but questions the selective outrage over it versus poison food and other dangers to children.
- TikTok collects roughly the same data as Facebook and Twitter, according to their claims.
- The concern is that China might be using TikTok to push theories and radicalize American kids.
- Tim expresses uncertainty about what's real anymore and introduces a TikTok video of someone claiming to be a hawk.
- The fear: China is deliberately making American children into hawks on TikTok.
- 5 min
Watching TikTok Videos of Kids Identifying as Hawks
#Tim plays and reacts to TikTok videos of a user identifying as a hawk therian with neopronouns and discussing 'systems' and splitting, riffing on whether this counts as a positive societal development.
9moments
- Tim jokes that Republicans would prefer their kid to be a hawk rather than trans.
- Tim states flatly that children believing they are birds is not a positive development for society.
- Mental illness spreads easily on TikTok and other apps, he says, which isn't great for kids.
- Tim imagines showing this content to the Chinese president and him having no idea what's happening.
- He tries to parse what the creator means by "splitting patterns" and gets increasingly confused.
- Tim changes his mind: just ban TikTok.
- The commitment to neopronouns and animal identities doesn't seem fun compared to 1960s counterculture, Tim observes.
- He wonders whether being a hawk is actually supposed to be fun, then tries to find evidence of joy in the videos.
- Tim looks for a moment where someone is actually smiling and having fun as a hawk.
- 5 min
Tim discusses the tragic TikTok Blackout Challenge that killed girls via self-strangulation, questioning whether such dangerous trends are organic or pushed by state actors, then watches an actual attempt clip.
7moments
- TikTok's algorithm recommends videos promoting suicide, self-harm, and eating disorders to teens, according to a New Jersey Democratic rep.
- Tim describes girls on TikTok who faked having Tourette's syndrome, then got called out by a neurologist who told their mother she was just being a liar.
- Lonely kids with problems go on TikTok and apparently see really destructive content including self-harm challenges.
- The Blackout Challenge on TikTok encourages users to choke themselves with belts, ropes, and purse strings—two girls died from self-strangulation attempting it.
- Tim wonders whether these challenges are coming from kids trying to go viral or if they're being created by bad actors, possibly even state actors like China.
- Tim watches a video of a kid attempting the Blackout Challenge and notes he's not actually blacking out because he's still breathing.
- Tim criticizes the kid in the video for cheating at the Blackout Challenge by not actually passing out.
TikTokTikTok Blackout Challenge
- 5 min
Kids' Rites of Passage: Egg-Throwing, Milk Gallons, and Teeth Filing
#Tim defends dangerous TikTok trends like the gallon challenge and DIY teeth filing as harmless kid rites of passage, comparing them to his own childhood pranks like throwing eggs at a gym window.
10moments
- Tim's childhood rite of passage: throwing eggs at a Bally's gym on Long Island while people worked out on treadmills.
- His friend group had a name based on a Tim Allen movie and pulled pranks like throwing things off overpasses.
- These are the memories kids will cherish, even if some friends end up dead from drinking and car accidents.
- Tim sees nothing wrong with kids trying to black out by the side of the highway as a rite of passage.
- DIY teeth filing with a nail file is fine—kids filing their own teeth for fun.
- Kids having fun pretending to have Tourette's, passing out, and filing their teeth is normal childhood behavior.
- Tim's sister thought she was a hawk, and kids should be allowed to do whatever they want with their bodies.
- The gallon challenge involved drinking or smashing milk in grocery stores, just like the cinnamon challenge in school.
- Kids smashing gallons of milk, passing out by highways, and filing their teeth—it's all just goofing around.
- Tim dismisses concerns about kids' behavior as excessive sensitivity when they're just having harmless fun.
- 3 min
Fighting China Back With Fast Food
#Tim jokes that if China is using TikTok to mess with American kids, the U.S. should retaliate by exporting fast food chains like KFC, Pizza Hut, and Domino's to make Chinese citizens fat and unhealthy.
7moments
- Tim proposes fighting back against China by getting their citizens fat with American fast food.
- List of American fast food chains operating in China: KFC, McDonald's, Burger King, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell.
- The strategy: make Chinese citizens so obese they can't leave their chairs or walk.
- Weaponizing stuffed crust pizza, McDoubles, mozzarella sticks, and Oreo McFlurries to turn China into diabetic slobs.
- Pizza Hut arrived in China in 1990, Domino's in 1995, both expanded aggressively through the 2000s.
- Pizza Hut delivery in China gives people with limited food access the ability to order pizza on demand.
- Globalization presents a trade-off: fast food expansion abroad comes with geopolitical consequences.
Kentucky Fried ChickenChinaDomino'sPizza HutTaco BellBurger KingMcDonald'sPapa John's+2 more
- 1 min
Tim runs through his upcoming stand-up tour cities including Raleigh, Grand Rapids, Chicago, Milwaukee, and more, name-checking the Hershey PA lineup with Shane Gillis and Nick Mullen.
2moments
- Tim says he's not trying to start beef, just demanding respect for Chinese children.
- Hershey shows feature Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, and Jay Oakerson—Tim calls it an insane lineup.
- 3 min
Would Rather My Kid Be a Hawk Than a Teacher
#Tim concludes he won't support banning TikTok, joking he'd rather his kid identify as a mentally ill hawk with millions of followers than become a teacher, and imagines a sad eulogy for a kid who died before her video went viral.
7moments
- Tim reconsiders his position on banning TikTok after seeing the damage it causes, though he ultimately leans against a ban because people make a living on it.
- He'd rather his kid be a hawk than a teacher, comparing the two as if being a predatory bird were preferable to an educator.
- Tim describes his ideal TikTok kid: mentally ill, filing her teeth down, passing out on the app, smashing gallons of milk, and accumulating five million followers.
- Countries are now fighting each other by targeting youth through apps, with kids spreading dangerous content globally in pursuit of virality and fame.
- The promise of virality corrupts kids and creates a bad value system, replacing solid foundations parents might try to build.
- Kids dying from dangerous TikTok challenges before seeing their follower count represents the saddest consequence of the platform's impact.
- Tim delivers a eulogy joke: she died before she knew she was trending, before the hawk flew away.
- 1 min
Tim jokes about wanting sponsorship deals directly with Saudi Arabia, China, and Putin, then thanks fans buying tickets to his West Palm Beach shows before closing out.
2moments
- Tim offers to do direct deals with Muhammad bin Salman, the Saudi government, and the Chinese government to sponsor his tour.
- He'd deal with Putin directly too if they wanted to sponsor his show, with no interest in middlemen.
Mohammed bin SalmanWest Palm Beach