Episode 289 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#289 - Live From Ukraine | The Tim Dillon Show
Feb 27, 2022 · 1:29:06 · 674,000 views · 27 segments, 170 moments indexed
Tim discusses the ongoing war on Ukraine, a Long Island woman wreaking havoc at open houses, and manages to get hold of a Ukrainian comedian (Vladyslav Kapytsia) who is currently at a shelter in Kyiv defending his country against Russian…
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- 1 min
Cold Open: No Guest, No Mark Galeotti
#Tim explains that journalist Mark Galeotti couldn't appear because he's briefing the military, so Tim will cover Ukraine himself despite lacking expertise.
3moments
- Tim opens the show announcing it's a Ukrainian special with no guest
- Tim will host the hour with comparatively far less knowledge about Russian issues
- Tim hopes to get Galeotti on the show before Putin does
- 4 min
Desensitization, Internet Brainrot, and the Human Cost of the Invasion
#Tim argues that the internet has destroyed people's humanity and desensitized them to tragedy, using Waffle House brawl videos as an example, before insisting that watching Ukrainian suffering should still register as sad regardless of politics.
6moments
- Tim opens on the human cost of the Ukraine invasion and the need for basic humanity when discussing it.
- The internet is designed to make you less human by constant exposure to tragedy—Walmart fights, car crashes, beheadings—until you're desensitized to it all.
- Tim notes that watching Waffle House brawls is entertainment, but kids are sitting there during their parents' fights and probably won't have great lives.
- Even if you can't dissect every viral tragedy, you should at least acknowledge that Putin's invasion of Ukraine involves real mayhem, death, and carnage.
- The Ukrainian people are brave and fighting back, unlike Americans who care only about consumption rather than something deeper.
- Tim summarizes the sadness of watching the war unfold and begins providing context on what the invasion is about.
- 3 min
Explaining the Invasion: NATO, Regime Change, and Russia's Reaction
#He gives a quick primer on the Ukraine invasion, NATO expansion, and how U.S. policy may have provoked Russia, while insisting that none of this makes Putin's actions 'cool' or justified.
7moments
- Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, and NATO expansion into the region put Russia in a box.
- The discussion of potentially admitting Ukraine to NATO was not a good geopolitical move.
- Russia reacted by taking back territory they feel is rightfully theirs.
- Tim clarifies the takeaway shouldn't be that Putin is cool—invading a country is a criminal act.
- Bombing and murdering civilians isn't right when Russia does it, and it wasn't right when America did it in Iraq or Afghanistan.
- People in this country have gotten to the point where they're happy this is happening, blaming it on the military being too focused on political correctness.
- Tim observes Americans are celebrating the invasion because they think the military is distracted by trans issues.
- 2 min
Putin, Trans Panic, and the 'Don't Say Gay' Bill Bit
#A bit imagining Putin calling off the invasion because Florida passed anti-trans sports and 'Don't Say Gay' laws, mocking the right-wing theory that culture war issues embolden Russia.
7moments
- Does Putin really believe the American military is just an extension of the LGBTQ community?
- Tim argues Russia's focus on trans military issues misses that the military's power lies in funding, size, positioning, and nuclear capability.
- Putin isn't invading Ukraine because America talks about trans people — he has more nuclear warheads than anyone else.
- If America became a Christian theocratic state burning gay people at the stake, Putin would still invade regardless.
- Tim imagines Putin canceling the Ukraine invasion after Florida passes the Don't Say Gay bill, claiming that was his actual goal all along.
- In Tim's bit, Putin convenes his war room in Moscow and announces he's abandoning Ukraine because America banned biological males from female sports.
- Despite having all the nuclear weapons, Putin says he's now afraid of America's moral certitude regarding trans sports policy.
- 2 min
1950s Nostalgia and Blaming Bonino's Biden Video
#A riff on people longing for repressive 1950s values as the reason Russia 'loved us,' and mockery of the idea that a viral Bonino/Biden video somehow caused Putin's invasion.
4moments
- Tim traces current Russia tensions back to abandoning 1950s values, claiming mid-century America had no geopolitical problems.
- Nostalgia for the 1950s: everyone at the hop in '57 Chevys while marginalized groups stayed silent and Russia loved America.
- Tim criticizes Bonino's Biden video as dumb but notes it's being blamed for Putin's Ukraine invasion.
- Putin is not watching American social media content, so blaming creators for geopolitical conflict makes no sense.
- 4 min
No-Fly Zones, American Cowardice, and Ukrainian Bravery
#Tim argues the U.S. shouldn't fight Russia over Ukraine, contrasts Ukrainian civilians' willingness to defend their country with American cowardice (citing Ted Cruz fleeing to Cancun), and notes China restricting financing to Russian banks.
8moments
- Tim argues Americans shouldn't get involved in Ukraine — it's not their war and they lack genuine strategic interest.
- Ukraine held off Russian forces overnight in the capital despite heavy casualties on both sides.
- Tim describes watching civilians forced to flee their homes and imagines the YouTube comments that follow.
- America is a country of cowards, with elected officials fleeing crises and committing insider trading during emergencies.
- If Americans aged 18 to 16 were banned from leaving the country, most would flee rather than defend it.
- Ukrainian people choosing to stay and fight are genuinely impressive compared to American cowardice.
- Tim worries the invasion will destabilize the region forever and Ukrainians will never forget this.
- The core take: Ukraine's situation is tragic and a negative development on the world stage, not a reason to blame Trump or Biden.
Ted CruzUkraineVolodymyr ZelenskyyRussiaGiannis Antetokounmpo
- 6 min
Demons: America's Lost Humanity in the Face of Tragedy
#An extended rant on how political tribalism has turned Americans into inhuman 'demons' who instantly weaponize tragedies like the invasion instead of just being sad about human suffering.
6moments
- Americans on both sides of the political aisle have lost their humanity and become demons.
- Immediately politicizing human tragedies instead of acknowledging the human cost is a psychotic impulse.
- Celebrating deaths of unvaccinated people was wrong in the same way that mocking refugees is wrong.
- NATO expansion didn't help the situation and U.S. policy made things worse, though that doesn't justify invasion.
- The invasion of Ukraine should be condemned as a brazen criminal act, not defended as contrarian cool.
- Being a contrarian online feels powerful but should pause when confronted with scenes of actual human horror and displacement.
UkraineNATO expansion
- 1 min
A quick news beat on Chinese banks limiting financing for Russian commodity purchases amid sanctions.
1moment
- China is now running the world, while America is a joke.
- 2 min
China Is Winning and Doesn't Need This Chaos
#A bit comparing China to a Hollywood agent telling a client (Russia) to stop posting political opinions and just enjoy winning, since China is dominating economically.
3moments
- China's position: we're winning, so why are we destabilizing the world?
- Tim compares China to a talent agent reining in a Hollywood starlet who's posting about Palestine instead of staying quiet while she's on top.
- Two Chinese state-owned banks restrict financing for Russian commodity purchases, suggesting limits to Beijing's support for Moscow.
Industrial and Commercial Bank of ChinaBank of ChinaChinaHollywoodPalestine
- 2 min
A mock/real sponsor read for Gazprom, Russia's state gas giant, played for dark comedy given the invasion context, with a promo code for 'natural gas from Russia.'
4moments
- Tim opens with a news update on China's banks holding billions in Russian assets and Beijing funding Moscow.
- He acknowledges the moral compromise of doing sponsored ads to earn money for the show.
- The Tim Dillon Show is sponsored by Gazprom, a Russian multinational energy corporation headquartered in Saint Petersburg.
- Gazprom is expanding into the European market offering natural gas at reasonable cost and helping people live their dreams.
- 1 min
Discomfort With the Gazprom Ad
#Tim briefly reflects on the awkwardness of having just read an ad for Russia's largest natural gas company.
2moments
- Tim expresses discomfort with Gazprom buying ads on the show
- He closes the topic after noting the company's role as a leading natural gas provider
natural gas providers
- 2 min
Standard sponsor reads for Freshly prepared meals and Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription box, including a joke about a box containing a dead possum.
3moments
- Tim recalls the time Freshly came through as a pinch and they didn't want to hit a drive-through instead.
- Freshly is offering listeners 40 percent off the first two orders, and Tim insists there's no excuse to eat better now.
- Tim lists the things wrong with fast food alternatives — butter, wheat in the bag, sugar in the dressing — none of which Freshly has.
- 2 min
Continuation of the Bespoke Post ad detailing specific box contents like knives and barbecue rub from American makers.
3moments
- Tim describes the Box of Awesome concept: a box with fun stuff inside based on a quiz about your interests.
- His favorite item was a fishing knife with a really cool handle that seemed surprisingly cheap for the quality.
- Tim jokes that they sent him a dead possum with a note saying kill yourself.
- 5 min
Tim reads a story about a Long Island woman who sat on a stranger's couch at an open house, refused to leave, insulted a teenage buyer, and claimed she'd outbid everyone despite never making an offer.
10moments
- Tim introduces the story of a Long Island woman disrupting open houses and refusing to leave.
- The realtor explains that this woman parks herself on the couch and tells other buyers the house is hers.
- Tim riffs on open house etiquette: you don't sit on people's furniture or make loud pronouncements.
- Joe the associate tells the realtor about the problem woman who has claimed the couch.
- The woman sprawls on the couch in a muumuu, reminding the realtor of her own mother.
- The woman gives unsolicited advice to a teenage girl asking about bathrooms, telling her to look elsewhere.
- When confronted, the woman yells that she will outbid everyone and that they're all wasting their time.
- Another buyer confronts the woman, telling her to stop flapping her mouth—classic Long Island escalation.
- The realtor reveals that despite all her threatening behavior, the woman never actually put in an offer.
- Tim observes the democratic chaos of open houses: anybody can walk in and cause a real problem with little recourse.
- 6 min
Realtors as Fake-Nice Psychopaths
#An extended riff on realtors' jobs being built entirely on fake pleasantries, comparing them to prostitutes and arguing that mediocrity is the industry norm, similar to talent agents and managers.
9moments
- Realtors' entire job is being fake nice to everyone, a psychopathic personality trait they've developed.
- A realtor's job consists entirely of small talk and fake niceness — you'll never discuss anything real with them.
- When something interrupts a realtor's world of pleasantries, they view it as the gravest offense and struggle to show genuine emotion.
- A good realtor is like a prostitute offering the girlfriend experience, making you believe they care while actually wanting money to bail their son out of jail.
- Tim loves seeing a fake-nice person lose their composure, watching them revert to their true form like Cinderella's carriage becoming a pumpkin.
- Most realtors aren't particularly bright and are terrible at problem-solving, unlike the exceptional one Tim uses now.
- Realtors, agents, and managers operate under an unspoken rule that being bad is acceptable because everyone else is also bad.
- Being slightly above bad in entertainment and real estate industries makes you great, spawning books and movies about you.
- If you're only slightly better than the part-time divorced housewife realtors trying to make a quick buck, you become genuinely good at the job.
realtorsagents
- 1 min
Tim discusses a news item that Patreon deleted a Ukrainian fundraising page for allegedly using donations to fund and train military personnel, violating platform policy.
4moments
- Tim mentions reading Sullivan's article about Russia potentially occupying Ukraine as long as they want.
- Patreon won't allow people to donate money for Ukraine to buy weapons due to platform rules against funding weapon purchases.
- Tim questions whether the Patreon-Ukraine weapons story was actually real or fake, then checks to verify the policy.
- Patreon's policy confirmed: you cannot use the platform to buy missiles for Ukraine.
- 2 min
Another dark-comedy sponsor read, this time for the Credit Bank of Moscow, complete with a promo code, played straight for irony given the war context.
3moments
- Patreon deleted a fun page without warning, citing that the organization was financing and training military personnel as a violation of their harmful activities policy.
- Tim notes they were trying to buy tanks and missiles.
- Tim expresses that the situation feels insane.
- 4 min
Singing a Ukrainian Folk Song
#Tim decides to sing a Ukrainian folk song ('Long Live Free Ukraine') as a gesture of solidarity, struggling badly with the pronunciation throughout.
6moments
- Tim explains why he's singing a Ukrainian folk song despite feeling conflicted: the show needs a revenue stream and he's running a business.
- Tim asks Paul to find a Ukrainian folk song, reasoning that singing one would demonstrate solidarity with Ukraine better than just talking about it.
- Tim justifies the gesture as a way to benefit from knowing he's done enough, rather than leaving people wondering whether they should donate or take action themselves.
- Paul sends Tim a folk song titled 'Long Live Free Ukraine' with 1.5 million views, but Tim realizes immediately how difficult the Ukrainian language is to sing.
- After struggling through the Ukrainian lyrics, Tim finishes the performance and acknowledges how hard the language is compared to Spanish, which you can fake your way through.
- Tim asks seriously whether his singing the folk song actually helped anything.
UkraineBank of Moscow
- 2 min
Patreon Guilt Trip and Defending the Subscription
#Tim argues that the invasion is not sufficient reason for listeners to cancel their Patreon subscriptions, while insisting he is horrified by the war.
5moments
- Tim expresses sympathy for Ukrainians watching the show caught in the war.
- Tim tells Ukrainian Patreon members not to cancel their subscriptions as a reason to support the show.
- Patreon tier structure: five dollars a month for four hours of monthly content, or higher tier for extra video episodes.
- Tim insists he's not an American cheerleader for the conflict and finds the situation repulsive.
- Tim argues the war is not a sufficient reason for Patreon subscribers to cancel their membership.
- 2 min
Ben Ignored a Ukrainian Comedian's DM
#Tim discovers his producer Ben never responded to a DM from a Ukrainian open mic comedian (Vladislav) offering to come on the show, and berates Ben for the oversight.
4moments
- Tim proposes setting up a way for Ukrainian viewers to contact the show and read ads for them.
- A Ukrainian open miker DM'd Tim four days ago asking to come on the show, but Tim forgot about it while traveling.
- Ben questions why Tim didn't bring this up sooner when it would have been a great opportunity.
- Tim suggests the Ukrainian comedian might be suspicious or 'a bad egg' before Ben accuses him of trying to call the guy a Nazi.
- 4 min
Fearing Vladislav Is Dead
#A bit escalates as Tim and Ben try to reach the unresponsive Vladislav, joking that Ben got him killed by not responding sooner, while genuinely hoping he's okay.
8moments
- Tim offers a folk song recording at half price to anyone who can prove they're currently in Ukraine during the war.
- Tim criticizes Ben for not bringing a Ukrainian contact to his attention and accuses him of coasting on the show.
- Tim speculates that a potential guest named Vladislav is probably dead and laments the lost opportunity for him to appear before being killed by Russia.
- Ben explains he forgot about Vladislav because he thought they were having a Mark on instead and didn't keep him on standby.
- Ben finds a message from Vladislav offering to connect the show with competent sources about the war in Ukraine.
- Tim and Ben attempt to call Vladislav but conclude he must be dead because he doesn't answer at 8:30 in the morning.
- Tim checks Vladislav's social media story and realizes the person may actually be alive, blaming Ben if he isn't.
- Tim follows Vladislav back and sends him a message expressing hope that he's okay and to reach back out when he can.
- 3 min
Sponsor reads for Mud Water mushroom coffee alternative and BetterHelp online therapy, with brief personal riffing on both.
7moments
- Tim asks if he should feel ashamed about not bringing on a guy from a war zone who wanted to appear on the show.
- Tim calls it a pretty big screw-up that Ben ignored someone trying to get information from an active war zone to a major podcast platform.
- Tim accuses Ben of now trying to protect him from misinformation as an excuse for the rejection.
- The guest's dying wish was to come on and tell Tim he was a genius before being killed in the invasion, and Ben ignored him completely.
- Tim demands Ben apologize to Vladislav for not keeping him on standby.
- Ben admits this is another screw-up, and Tim notes the show can always count on him to drop the ball when someone from an active war zone wants to give an update.
- Tim jokes about hoping open mic comics aren't being drafted and that the guy will be okay despite the mess.
- 1 min
More Guilt Over Ben's Screwup
#Continued mock outrage at Ben for missing the chance to have a real Ukrainian voice on the show before Vladislav calls back.
3moments
- Tim laments that not allowing someone on the show is tragic and sad.
- If you like people being killed in Ukraine, Ben Avery is your boy.
- Tim suggests perhaps Ben Avery should hear from Ukrainians opposed to the war.
- 1 min
Tim lists upcoming tour dates including Albany, Concord, Brea, Toronto, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Nashville, Denver (special taping), Glasgow, Dublin, and London, with possible additional April dates.
2moments
- Tim hopes singing a folk song will balance out his lack of responsibility in helping people in deep trouble.
- Tim claims he did a phenomenal job speaking Ukrainian despite having never spoken it before.
- 2 min
Mock Apology Segment
#A comedic mock-apology to Vladislav and the Ukrainian people for the Ben mishap, blending genuine sympathy with absurd bit continuation.
4moments
- Tim announces the end of his tour with a special taping coming in Denver.
- Asked about lasting apologies to Ukraine, Tim pivots to a sincere statement of support for Ukrainian people.
- Tim admits he failed miserably with someone and refuses to make excuses, though he has some.
- Tim directly addresses Vladislav with an apology and offers to help in any way he can.
DenverUkraineBrea ImprovRymanVladislavAlbanyBaltimoreConcord+5 more
- 2 min
Return to Mud Water and BetterHelp ad copy before Vladislav's call comes through.
4moments
- Mud Water is a coffee alternative with four adaptive mushrooms and ayurvedic herbs, delivering one-seventh the caffeine of coffee without anxiety or jitters.
- Tim says he loves Mud Water with honey and mentions the new evening ritual blend for relaxation and rest.
- Tim reflects on how people prioritize helping others while neglecting their own self-care, the pitch for BetterHelp online therapy.
- Sometimes he's sad, logs on to the internet, and someone tells him he's worth it.
- 23 min
Tim interviews a Ukrainian stand-up comedian named Vladislav sheltering in Kyiv, covering the invasion's early days, city combat, feelings toward Russia and family ties, President Zelensky, the state of Ukrainian comedy versus Russian comedy, ways to donate, and Tim pledging to personally donate $5,000.
44moments
- Tim introduces himself as a comedian from America to Vladislav, a Ukrainian comedian in Kyiv.
- Vladislav explains he's currently at a shelter trying to acquire guns, vests, and helmets to distribute to friends and family.
- Tim asks how quickly the invasion happened and whether martial law was declared immediately.
- Vladislav describes live-streaming and raising substantial money for gun equipment, noting that snipers are valuable in urban combat.
- Tim asks whether Ukrainians were expecting the invasion or thought Putin was bluffing.
- Vladislav recounts that Ukraine had dealt with Russian invasion threats many times before, including in 1933.
- Tim asks about feelings toward Russia before the invasion and whether there are family connections between the countries.
- Vladislav jokes that families can hate each other, and notes that Ukrainians hate Russians even more if they're family.
- Tim asks what outcome Putin wants, suggesting he's seeking regime change and a puppet government.
- Vladislav says Putin attempted a blitzkrieg but underestimated Ukrainian resistance and the effectiveness of weapons like Stingers against helicopters.
- Tim notes that Ukraine is making the invasion difficult for Russia, and Vladislav stresses the stakes—losing means long-term suffering.
- Tim pivots to asking Vladislav about the comedy scene in Ukraine and whether he does political humor.
- Vladislav explains that Ukrainian stand-up comedy was born around 2012, distinct from Russian stand-up which he describes as derivative.
- Vladislav notes that in the past two years, many Russian-speaking comedians have switched to Ukrainian to connect with audiences better.
- Vladislav describes discovering that Ukrainian stand-up audiences respond better when comedians perform in Ukrainian and joke about local politics.
- Tim offers to plug Vladislav's social media to help him gain followers.
- Vladislav jokes about sending naked pictures and photos of dead Russians if Tim wants content for Patreon.
- Tim asks Vladislav's opinion on President Zelensky and how he's handling the invasion.
- Vladislav admits Ukrainians initially thought electing a comedian was crazy, but now respects Zelensky for refusing Biden's evacuation offer.
- Vladislav says Zelensky has zero children, and Tim jokes that this might be why Ukraine is being invaded—a catch-22.
- Vladislav recommends several Ukrainian comedians and comedy channels for Tim to check out.
- Vladislav says he watches American comedy but sometimes rejects Russian content and movies, noting YouTube suggests war films after one Russian video.
- Tim asks what the current plan is for Ukraine—to hold off Russian forces and raise money.
- Vladislav says they will push forward as long as they're winning, noting Ukrainians raised the most money on Patreon for Save Life in UA.
- Tim jokes that his show is number two on Patreon and he's offended that a charity raised more money with less content.
- Vladislav provides donation information: savelifeinua.com and Ukraine's national bank account, offering to email his card number for smaller donations.
- Tim personally commits to donating five thousand dollars to Vladislav if given a way to do so.
- Vladislav jokes that for five thousand dollars, Tim needs to send videos as well as photos.
- Tim praises Vladislav and other Ukrainian comedians for fighting for their country instead of helping invaders like American comedians would.
- Vladislav provides his social media handles: Instagram at vladkapizza and Twitter at vladkapitz.
- Tim notes that Vladislav doesn't look Ukrainian and jokes he looks like he should be on the HBO show Euphoria.
- Tim apologizes for the situation in Ukraine and promises to help by donating and encouraging listeners to do the same.
- Vladislav invites Tim to perform in Ukraine once the war ends, and mentions people are buying tickets.
- Tim says he would love to perform in Ukraine and help promote Vladislav's comedy.
- Vladislav and Tim agree that having fun with content and quality of life are reasons to fight for freedom.
- Tim jokes he'd perform in Ukraine unless Russia pays him more.
- Vladislav jokes that if he dies, he'll text Ben a list of second-hand comedians for the show.
- Tim thanks Vladislav for taking the time to speak during the invasion and promises to share donation links on social media.
- Vladislav teaches Tim the Ukrainian phrase 'Slava Ukraini'—Glory to Ukraine—and its response 'Heroiam Slava'—Glory to Heroes.
- Tim reflects that Putin thought the invasion would be overnight but underestimated Ukrainian resistance and their fight for freedom.
- Tim jokes that Vladislav isn't actually in Ukraine but is an actor in Los Angeles on a green screen.
- Vladislav offers to show bottles of Ukrainian beer and cocktails on camera.
- Tim makes an inappropriate joke about selling merchandise during the crisis, noting the timing could be good for hoodies.
- Tim thanks Vladislav again for being an awesome guest and for his time during the invasion.
Vladimir PutinVladislavUkraineVolodymyr ZelenskyyRussiaJoe Biden