Episode 260 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#260 - Prison Pen Pal | The Tim Dillon Show
Jul 11, 2021 · 58:10 · 490,000 views · 19 segments, 104 moments indexed
Live from a basement in the woods, Tim discusses an interesting double manslaughter case in Florida, straight celebrities taking advantage of the gay movement, and gets Ben to call a friend from his past on his behalf.
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- 2 min
The Death Podcast Guy's Basement Studio
#Tim opens from a stranger's home studio in North Carolina, mocking the tech host who records podcast interviews with 100 dying people for his mysterious "product."
6moments
- Tim and his producer are recording from a guest studio in North Carolina belonging to someone who interviews dead people.
- The studio host does no research; Tim criticizes him for failing to understand that he's interviewing people about to die for a podcast product.
- Tim describes his first impression of the host as the worst possible feeling after the guy claimed to be 'one of the good ones' among tech people.
- The host's business model is extracting content from dying people to build his product.
- Tim argues that tech people are fascinated with death because they want to extend human life indefinitely while removing everything good from it.
- His vision for tech immortality is a joyless, sexless, miserable existence stretched out 150 to 160 years or forever.
- 3 min
Tim reads a Tampa Bay Times story about an 18-year-old who killed a mother and baby while street racing at 102 mph on Bayshore Boulevard and got 24 years, while his passenger brother got no time.
6moments
- Tim doesn't feel like doing the show today but will anyway.
- Tim questions how someone found 100 dying people to record podcasts with before they died.
- The last thing dying people see is a ring light and camera in someone's basement setup.
- Tim transitions to a story about being a bad driver and how life is made of minutes that matter.
- Split-second decisions can ruin or save your entire life.
- Tim reads the Tampa Bay Times and finds an article about a kid who got into an accident while street racing his buddy.
Tampa Bay Times
- 12 min
Should Hot People Be Exempt From Justice? (Cameron's Case)
#Tim builds an elaborate bit arguing the good-looking driver, Cameron, shouldn't have to serve his sentence because of his looks, fantasizing about a judge propositioning him and about visiting/marrying him in prison.
12moments
- 18-year-old in a new Mustang was racing at 102 mph on Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa, hit a mother and baby crossing the street at 30 mph after trying to stop.
- Mother killed instantly, baby thrown from her arms and died the next day; he received 24 years for vehicular manslaughter.
- Rich, white, good-looking kid with family wealth; his brother got no time at all and the other driver got 6 years.
- Young girls on TikTok are uploading videos of him with songs like 'I'm in love with a criminal.'
- Tim argues the mother bears some blame for walking her child across a street where people race cars at 102 mph.
- On one hand a beautiful, promising white, rich guy with a great future; on the other, a woman and baby who are dead.
- Tim supports prison for the ugly brother, saying imagine having two children where one is a movie star and the other looks like that.
- Anyone can make a mistake and their life can be over, but not anyone can be that good-looking—good-looking people are an economy.
- If Tim were the judge, he'd recuse himself because he'd give him time served or community service in his chambers instead of jail.
- He's not just good-looking, he's insanely good-looking, and he'll come out of prison in his late 40s bald and ugly, which seems like waste.
- He only killed two people with a car—there's got to be a better way to handle this situation than 24 years in prison.
- Tim proposes writing Cameron a letter while he's in Florida State Penitentiary.
Florida State PenitentiaryBayshore BoulevardTampa
- 3 min
Writing a Letter to Cameron in Prison
#Tim and Ben compose and read aloud an absurd, sexually explicit sympathy letter to the imprisoned Cameron, debating the tone and whether to actually send it.
6moments
- Tim reads aloud a letter to Cameron, beginning with personal anecdotes about being a bad driver.
- The letter escalates to ask if Cameron has masturbated while driving.
- Tim continues reading increasingly inappropriate questions about road head and sexual acts.
- The letter pivots to "I hope you are finding God" and an offer to visit in prison.
- Tim pauses to discuss tone, wanting the letter to appreciate the gravity of the situation while remaining sensitive.
- Tim concludes that the letter, despite its crude sexual content, is not a bad letter overall.
- 2 min
The Morality of Letting Hot People Off the Hook
#Tim continues riffing on the case, arguing he'd forgive Cameron even for killing his own family due to his looks, and mocks his stunned reaction in court over the sentencing.
5moments
- Tim argues that if the driver wasn't good-looking, nobody would care about his case.
- Should extremely attractive people be subject to the same laws as everyone else—a real moral question.
- Tim claims he wouldn't want this man in jail even if he'd killed Tim's entire family.
- Someone that good-looking possesses a kind of superpower and shouldn't face normal legal consequences.
- The brutal moment the driver learns he's getting 24 years is painful to watch.
good-looking peoplewealthy and famous people
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Liquid I.V., touting hydration benefits, ingredients, and the Costco/promo code deal.
4moments
- Tim endorses Liquid I.V. for daily hydration, pre-workout, and hangover recovery, saying it keeps him energetic for shows.
- Tim questions whether the company's donation of 11 million refers to dollars or actual packets of Liquid I.V.
- The product uses cellular transport technology with an optimal ratio of glucose, sodium, and potassium to deliver water and nutrients into the bloodstream faster than water alone.
- Listeners can get 25% off Liquid I.V. at liquidiv.com using code Tim at checkout, or buy in bulk at Costco.
- 2 min
Tim reads the Blue Chew sponsor copy about chewable erectile dysfunction medication, discreet shipping, and the promo code.
4moments
- Tim pitches Blue Chew with the tagline "it's a summer love" and instructs listeners to use promo code TD for dick pills
- Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA and shipped discreetly, avoiding awkward doctor's office visits and pharmacy waits
- The product contains the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis but costs a fraction as much in chewable form
- Tim notes the package is discreet—it doesn't say "dick pills for the little dick" on it, just says discreet
- 4 min
The Duke College Republican and His Fraud Lawyer Friend
#Tim tells the story of emailing the impeached Duke College Republicans head, and pivots to a scammy LGBTQ discrimination lawyer friend who cons fired employees into believing they were fired for being gay.
6moments
- Duke College Republicans head was impeached; Tim thought being a closeted college Republican was the hottest thing.
- Tim emailed the Duke Republican a supportive message, but another kid defending him was later found to be a pedophile.
- That defender from Duke is now a lawyer and fat, so Tim has no interest, but emails him "Let's fuck" occasionally.
- Tim describes the lawyer's strategy: convincing terrible employees they were fired for being gay, not for actual misconduct like embezzlement or showing up drunk.
- Tim characterizes the lawyer as running a con and a scam through his discrimination law practice.
- Tim used to get replies when he'd email the lawyer "let's fuck" but doesn't get responses anymore.
Duke College RepublicansPhiladelphia
- 7 min
Reading the Fraud Lawyer's Bad Yelp Reviews and Prank Calling Him
#Tim and Ben read scathing one-star reviews of the lawyer's practice, then attempt to prank call him pretending to be someone fired from Sonic for being gay, but his number is disconnected.
11moments
- Tim reads Yelp reviews of a fraud lawyer who never shows up to cases and ignores client calls.
- Lawyer was scheduled to appear at an unemployment hearing and didn't show up, then said he wasn't planning to attend.
- Multiple reviews describe the attorney as rude and dismissive, unwilling to be contacted by clients.
- Tim notes one reviewer just called him a horrible lawyer with no elaboration.
- Tim sent the lawyer a complimentary email early on before things went wrong.
- Tim describes how the lawyer riles up gay clients claiming discrimination, then doesn't answer his phone.
- The lawyer used to be very good-looking but his appearance has changed.
- Tim decides to prank call the lawyer and tell him he was fired for being gay.
- After finding the lawyer's contact information online, they prepare to make the call.
- Tim calls the number but reaches a Verizon automated message saying the number is disconnected.
- Tim concludes the lawyer no longer has a business and is probably just smoking krill.
We wish them wellemployment discriminationCheckersWendy'sSonic
- 3 min
Tim reads the Gabby.com ad about comparing real-time auto insurance quotes and saving money, with a bit about being condescended to about the free service.
3moments
- Tim was fired from Sonic for being gay.
- He leaves a voicemail for a lawyer named Justin describing the discrimination and requesting representation.
- Tim explains how Gabby auto insurance helped him compare rates and potentially save money on coverage.
- 2 min
Tim reads the ExpressVPN sponsor copy about hacker risks on public WiFi and the encrypted tunnel protection, plugging the 3-months-free deal.
5moments
- Tim questions whether there should be an obligation to use a free insurance service that saves money.
- Tim observes that the repeated messaging about no obligation feels patronizing.
- Tim jokes that none of the people he knows are worth the thousand dollars hackers get per person for stolen data on the dark web.
- Tim notes that technology is starting to enable people to fight back against technology itself.
- Tim expresses disbelief that ExpressVPN is giving away three months free, suggesting they must understand how important safety and security is.
- 5 min
Joshua Bassett's Fake Coming Out and the Nick Jonas Gay-Baiting Grift
#Tim mocks Joshua Bassett's ambiguous "coming out" statement about Harry Styles being misread by gay media, comparing it to Nick Jonas repeatedly queer-baiting fans for attention and money.
6moments
- Joshua Bassett joked about Harry Styles being hot, then claimed it as his coming-out video, prompting media outlets to declare him queer.
- Tim argues that at 20 years old, Bassett should already know who he wants to have sex with and shouldn't be pretending to figure out his sexuality.
- The media ran with Bassett's clearly joking statement as a genuine coming out, then he walked it back with an Instagram post about love and acceptance without confirming his sexuality.
- Tim points out that Bassett dates women but the gay community keeps falling for the ambiguous sexuality grift, just like they did with Nick Jonas.
- Nick Jonas poses in leather and performs sexily while actually having sex with women and taking the gay community's money through manufactured intrigue.
- Tim suggests that male celebrities who gay-bait should be required to have sex with men on camera to prove their claims.
Joshua BassettNick JonasHarry StylesHigh School MusicalOlivia Rodrigo
- 1 min
Second Prank Call Attempt as Scooter
#Tim and Ben try texting/calling the fraud lawyer again under the name Scooter, still unable to reach him.
2moments
- Tim crafts a prank text to a lawyer claiming he's Scooter, fired from Sonic for being gay, and demanding they "make them pay."
- Tim dismisses the target lawyer as barely real and entirely fake, unable to accomplish anything.
- 2 min
Tim briefly reacts to news of the Haitian president's killing and a Fort Lauderdale airport bomb threat evacuation, joking that media has run out of real things to cover.
5moments
- The president of Haiti was assassinated; Tim notes he was a U.S. puppet, so he assumes he was safe.
- Fort Lauderdale Airport terminals evacuated over a bomb threat, with passengers deplaned and people beating each other up on flights.
- Tim suggests the media is calling in bomb threats to airports because they've run out of other stories to cover.
- The conspiracy pitch: unable to stir up anger about Trump or COVID, the media decided to create chaos by calling in airport bomb threats.
- Tim plugs tour dates: Caroline's is sold out, but tickets remain for Boston's Wilbur Theater and Foxwoods in Connecticut.
Fort Lauderdale AirportCarolinesWilbur TheaterFoxwoodsDonald TrumpHaitiWe wish them well
- 2 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour stops including Wilbur Theater, Foxwoods, Irvine, Grand Rapids, Royal Oak, San Diego, Las Vegas, and the Schaumburg Improv in Chicago.
4moments
- Tim describes meeting a tech person whose job description is completely haunting — they deal with people who are about to die.
- Tour dates: Boston Wilbur Theater, Foxwoods, Irvine California, Grand Rapids and Royal Oak Michigan, San Diego, and a Las Vegas music festival.
- Chicago shows August 24-28 at Schaumburg Improv in the suburbs, chosen for larger capacity to accommodate audiences.
- Tim jokes about hoping they don't get sued and says the person in question could have shown up to avoid all this trouble.
Schaumburg ImprovWilbur TheaterFoxwoodsLas VegasGrand Rapids, MichiganIrvine, CaliforniaRoyal Oak, MichiganSan Diego, California+1 more
- 1 min
Long Island's Racist, Slow, Angry Charm
#Tim and Ben riff on what they love about Long Island, comparing its residents to slow, angry Star Wars Tauntauns, ahead of Caroline's shows.
4moments
- Ben says Long Island's best quality is probably the racism.
- Tim describes Long Island people as sloth-like, moving slow but carrying an anger with them.
- Long Island residents compared to Tauntauns from Star Wars—big, slow creatures with inherent rage.
- Tim announces upcoming shows at Carolines on Long Island.
- 2 min
Tim promotes his recent Glenn Greenwald podcast episode about January 6th and the past year, plus his Joe Rogan appearance and an upcoming Ray Comp episode.
5moments
- Tim promotes his episode on Joe Rogan's show, mentions Ray Comp coming soon and appearing on Patreon
- Tim expresses fear about the podcast studio location, admits he didn't research the rental options properly
- Other venue inquiries came back with just basement offers, making this remote woods location the best available option
- Tim notes that only tech people and occasional open micers own podcast studios, and tech people want them for attention
- Tim points out the studio has an open vent, expressing discomfort with the setup in the middle of the woods
- 4 min
Closing Riff: Freeing Cameron and Killing the Ugly Brother
#Tim closes out the Cameron bit, joking about swapping the good-looking son for his "Shrek" brother in a death-for-freedom deal, and imagining a judge letting a gay defendant off entirely.
7moments
- Tim hopes Cameron gets let out of prison, arguing that a few minutes shouldn't destroy an entire life irreversibly.
- There are so few truly beautiful people, and many demons are tolerated because they're good-looking.
- Tim would have sentenced Cameron to one month at his driving school instead of 24 years.
- Tim suggests Cameron's parents should be able to offer to kill their ugly brother instead to spare the attractive son.
- The family can never go out in public again after the conviction, so they've ruined their ability to introduce their son.
- Tim argues that being gay could get someone away with killing a mother and child, as judges would show leniency.
- Tim jokes that claiming to be trans would eliminate jail time entirely, with the judge sentencing the victim's husband instead.
- 1 min
Tim and Ben nervously discuss having insulted their host on tape while sitting in his home studio, then wrap the episode and head into ad reads.
3moments
- Tim expresses genuine anxiety about being in the stranger's house, saying he doesn't have a good feeling about it.
- Tim argues that criticism is just part of the show and the host should have known better.
- Tim urgently wants to leave quietly and pack everything up without further incident.