Episode 230 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#230 - The Pit | The Tim Dillon Show
Dec 13, 2020 · 1:02:49 · 257,000 views · 27 segments, 154 moments indexed
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Ben's Four-Hour Drive and Comic Friend's House
#Tim opens by praising producer Ben Avery for driving four hours to get to the studio, then tells a story about a comic friend who inherited money and bought a house, questioning how anyone "deals with" the traveling life.
2moments
- Ben sat in traffic for four hours to get to the show.
- Tim went to dinner with another comic who asked how Ben deals with all the traveling.
- 1 min
People Who Love Their Jobs Are the Worst
#Riffing on dinner with a comic and his girlfriend who works in children's television, Tim argues that people who genuinely love their jobs and stay relentlessly positive are dangerous and should be avoided.
4moments
- Tim describes a comic who inherited money and bought a house, then kept a mask on during dinner.
- The girlfriend works in children's television and claims those people are among the best she's met.
- Tim asks if there's anybody worse than someone who likes their job.
- Life is too short for positive people, and they should be removed from your vicinity.
- 3 min
Harry Styles' Vogue Dress and the 'Death of Masculinity'
#Tim mocks Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro's outrage over Harry Styles wearing a dress on the cover of Vogue, arguing no one can even afford to break free of "masculinity" since they're all shopping at Walmart, and imagining a broke husband demanding a designer gown from his wife.
5moments
- Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro claim Harry Styles wearing a dress on a magazine cover is killing traditional masculinity.
- Tim questions whether any American man would actually buy a designer gown after seeing it in Vogue, given the cost.
- Tim mocks the scenario of a broke man abandoning masculinity to wear a Dior gown while his wife needs insulin and he has no job.
- Nobody can afford the designer clothes anyway—people are shopping at Walmart where prices have become unaffordable.
- Tim argues the real focus should be on actual problems instead of debating what Harry Styles wore on magazine covers.
- 2 min
Trump Tweeting 'I Won' and Refusing to Leave
#Tim celebrates Trump's post-election tweets insisting he won as the funniest thing happening, then jokes about Trump nearly bombing Iran and generals redirecting him back to Twitter instead.
6moments
- Trump tweeting 'I won' and 'I'm not going anywhere' every 15 minutes after the election.
- The media thinks there's a definitive answer, but Trump insists he's staying right where he is.
- Trump does exactly what everyone predicted: sit in the office and tweet.
- Trump supposedly tried to bomb Iran this week, but his generals just told him to go back to Twitter.
- Controlling a nuclear arsenal is still not as powerful as Twitter.
- With two months left in office, Tim notes the best thing people could say about Trump was that he wasn't a warmonger.
- 2 min
Ending the Afghan War vs. the Lockdown and 'The Pit'
#Tim suggests Trump should do a full Middle East withdrawal instead of bombing Iran, then pivots into fury over an incoming lockdown and a news story about an El Paso hospital's "pit" where COVID patients are left to die.
7moments
- Full withdrawal from the Middle East and bringing everyone home.
- Tim on the theory that Trump wants to fire Defense Department people to end the Afghan war.
- If the choice is between bombing Iran or ending the 20-year Afghan war for lithium, end the war.
- Tim dreads another lockdown and says he needs to leave his house for experiences and material.
- Every news article now claims everyone has COVID and every nurse is killing herself.
- The logic of the guilt trip: you ate meatloaf in a parking lot, so nurses are hanging themselves.
- A hospital in El Paso has a room called 'the pit' where COVID patients are left to die.
- 3 min
Wanting to Drive a Bentley Through the ER
#Tim describes visiting a closed Bentley dealership and fantasizing about driving the car through a hospital's COVID unit, riffing darkly on FaceTime deathbed goodbyes, a friend's nursing-home party, and his nurse friend Vanessa who hates treating liver transplant patients.
6moments
- Tim just walked through a Bentley dealership and wants to buy one to drive through the emergency room at Cedar Sinai to show dying people a nice car.
- The tragedy of people FaceTiming loved ones at the end: the connection freezes, the WiFi in the pit doesn't work, and their last words get interrupted.
- Tim wants his family in the hospital room getting sick with him if he gets COVID—no FaceTime, just his maskless boomer father joining the party.
- If the Kneel boys show up to his party, they'll lick people's faces like the Bushwhackers tag team from WWF, especially Steve.
- His friend Vanessa, a nurse and the mother of his godchild, calls heroin addicts paranoid and unfun to deal with after they get new livers, prompting Tim to ask why we're giving them livers at all.
- Tim's confused about everything and just needs to buy a Bentley or a gown on the cover of Vogue to break out of his current prayer—he doesn't like being a man anymore.
Cedar SinaiVanessaVogue
- 2 min
The Long Island Guy Who Wants a Chanel Gown
#Tim extends the gown bit into an imagined scene of a broke Long Island husband demanding to break free of masculine prison while his wife tells him to shop at Goodwill, tying it to Long Island guys who fly military flags without ever serving.
6moments
- Tim notes a guy wants a Chanel gown like Harry Styles wears, while his wife owns only three pairs of elastic-waisted jeans.
- The actual problem destroying masculinity isn't men wearing dresses—it's that nobody has a job and can't provide for their family.
- Tim describes a dude in Ohio wanting Gucci Croc sandals, a caftan, and Chanel sunglasses while his wife points out they can't afford designer clothes.
- Wife's response to husband claiming he's trapped in a prison of gender: buy a cheap dress from Goodwill because you're broke.
- Long Island guys who've never served in a war but have military-adjacent Facebook profiles and nine flags on their lawn lecture about masculinity.
- These Long Island men have only ever served themselves a drink, yet they're online thanking Candace Owens for protecting them from having to wear dresses.
- 3 min
No One Prepared for the Second COVID Wave
#Tim rants about hospitals having nine months to prepare for a second wave and doing nothing, comparing it to being knocked down repeatedly by the same ocean wave, and riffing on nurses posting about stacking bodies and improvised PPE.
10moments
- Tim notes hospitals had nine months to prepare for the second wave and questions why there's no preparedness.
- Ocean wave analogy: if you keep getting knocked down the same way, that's called drowning, and adults should have some semblance of preparation.
- Tim asks why hospitals are still throwing bodies in a pit instead of being ready.
- Nurses on Facebook describe wearing masks fashioned from dead patients' faces and stacking bodies in parking lots.
- Tim wonders if the hospital made a deliberate decision not to prepare after knowing the second wave was coming.
- He complains about seeing relief bill promises followed by 'Save Our Stages' messaging while people die in El Paso's pit.
- Tim questions whether El Paso's pit has anything to do with corona or if that's just how their hospital normally operates.
- Escalating to absurdity: what's next, a fight club where corona patients battle for ventilators?
- Tim expresses genuine confusion about the lack of any planning for the pandemic ravaging the nation.
- Larger cities may have more resources because they have bigger tax bases, unlike ravaged small-town hospitals.
- 2 min
Contradictory COVID Messaging and Missing the Election Chaos
#Tim expresses confusion at conflicting pandemic messaging (tests are fake but you're positive, vaccine coming but also lockdowns forever) and says Trump's refusal to concede is the only thing bringing him joy right now.
4moments
- Tim describes the contradictory COVID messaging: not knowing what it is or how to treat it, while also knowing everything, with vaccines coming tomorrow and never, lockdowns both returning and not returning.
- Authorities impose curfews because corona likes to go home at night and get sleep, but celebrating Biden's victory in the street poses no transmission risk.
- Tim contrasts the rules: hosting YouTubers and feeding them spaghetti out of a cheese wheel makes him a bad person, but mass gatherings are fine if they're for the right reasons.
- The only thing providing Tim joy through the news cycle is the president refusing to acknowledge there's been an election and insisting every 15 minutes that he won.
PresidentJoe Biden
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for BlueChew, joking about hard dicks and discreet shipping before giving the promo code.
3moments
- Tim notes that great sex is illegal in most places.
- Tim describes BlueChew as tasting good and working to get the penis hard.
- He explains the product name by breaking it down: blue like the color, chew like chewing.
- 1 min
Tim reads an ExpressVPN ad about streaming geo-blocked content like Love Actually on foreign Netflix libraries, telling listeners to keep it "legal and moral."
4moments
- Tim endorses ExpressVPN and describes using it to stream German Netflix and Love Actually by hitting one button to change location.
- ExpressVPN lets you choose from almost 100 countries to explore different Netflix libraries and other streaming services.
- Tim emphasizes keeping VPN use legal and moral, then notes ExpressVPN works across phones, tablets, consoles, and smart TVs.
- Promotional offer: visiting expressvpn.com/timdillon gets three extra months free to support the show.
- 1 min
America's Disintegration as Comedy, and Borat 2
#Tim declares the collapse of American society the greatest comedy ever, then rips into Borat 2 for being a woke, message-driven sequel that betrays the original film's premise.
2moments
- American system disintegration is the greatest comedy ever released.
- Tim calls Borat 2 the worst movie he's ever seen—a woke, female-forward version he once joked about making with Nick Mullen.
Borat 2Sacha Baron Cohen
- 3 min
Trump Refusing to Leave the White House, and Vogue's Message to Kids
#Tim imagines Trump being physically walked out by the military while alt-right fans cheer, blames the left's Russiagate obsession for creating a mirror-image reaction, then returns to mocking Vogue's justification for putting Harry Styles in a dress as "important for kids."
5moments
- Tim describes Borat as a movie about a guy from a country where he thinks all Jews have horns, now infused with right-wing politics.
- The only good movie left to watch is the president refusing to leave the White House and the military having to walk him out.
- Tim argues it serves the left right for focusing on Russiagate for two years while elevating CIA director John Brennan to tell people Trump was installed by Russia.
- The solution is to save up for a Vogue gown to show boys at the bar that you're sick of being a man.
- Vogue wants to put Harry Styles in a dress because it's important for young kids to see this message.
- 3 min
Finding Meaningless Hobbies and the Gruel-Delivery Future
#Tim describes retreating into mundane hobbies like cars and guns to cope with the insanity of contradictory COVID messaging, then paints a dystopian future of staying indoors forever while Jeff Bezos drones deliver gruel and billionaires flee to Mars.
8moments
- Trying to be serious is to lose your mind; trying to make sense of anything means going insane.
- People find hobbies like guns just to have something to talk about when there's nowhere else to go.
- Zero preparedness for a second COVID wave that everyone knew was coming.
- The contradiction of being told tests are fake but everyone's positive, and the mixed messaging on masking and vaccines.
- Fauci says even with a vaccine it won't work for 5-10% of people, so maybe just keep the mask on forever.
- The gruel-and-drone future: Jeff Bezos delivers food to your parking lot while you order with a sex robot.
- Stay inside with sheets on the windows, avoid the sun and fire-covered air, go on Reddit all day.
- Bill Gates shoots dust into the atmosphere while rich people leave Earth for Mars, and you're stuck unable to even go to Fridays.
- 4 min
His Own Mystery Illness in March and His Indestructible Mother
#Tim recounts being severely sick in March with a three-week cough and fever, wondering if he had COVID, then tells stories about his 300-pound asthmatic mother who has never gotten sick despite being surrounded by it in her nursing home, tormenting the staff.
8moments
- Tests are fake, masks don't matter, antibodies don't count, COVID is both fake and real simultaneously.
- The only comfort in horrible times is that a game show host president is refusing to leave the White House.
- The richest country in the world did absolutely nothing to prepare for a second wave everyone said was coming.
- Tim was sicker than ever in March with a closed throat, fever, and three-week cough.
- Urgent care diagnosed strep throat, same co-infection Rudy Gobert and NBA players tested positive for.
- Either Tim has had COVID and developed immunity, or he's been extremely lucky despite packed planes and comedy clubs.
- Tim's mother's neighbor had COVID but she never caught it despite sharing a room in the nursing home.
- His mother screams at healthcare workers like Jabba the Hutt in her MAGA hat, throwing food she claims sucks.
Rudy GobertBeverly Hills
- 3 min
Celebrities Fleeing to Islands While Everyone Else Is Trapped
#Tim contrasts ordinary people's lockdown restrictions with celebrities like Tom Hanks and Kim Kardashian traveling freely and buying islands, joking that the ultra-rich are prepping to eventually leave Earth entirely for other planets.
9moments
- Celebrities like Tom Hanks are getting Greek citizenship and traveling internationally while everyone else is locked down.
- Kim Kardashian bought an island and the wealthy have no quarantine restrictions at all.
- Tim predicts celebrities will soon leave for other planets, starting with islands now but graduating to actual planets in decades.
- You can't go to the grocery store without being accused of killing someone, but billionaires can launch rockets to escape Earth.
- The elites are fighting about Harry Styles' clothing while plotting their exit strategy.
- The next Jeffrey Epstein will have his own planet where anything goes unquestioned.
- Regular people are supposed to stay home, fight with family, and never ask questions while the rich abandon the planet entirely.
- Tim compares Joe Biden to JFK, but as a dead version, while Kamala Harris will imprison anyone who questions authority.
- You'll need five vaccines just to shop at Macy's while watching the wealthy escape to other worlds.
Joe BidenKamala HarrisJeffrey EpsteinTom HanksElon MuskKim KardashianRichard BransonTaylor Swift+2 more
- 3 min
America's Overmedication and the Pharma Companies We Can't Question
#Tim argues rampant anxiety and depression diagnoses are really just untreated systemic problems (no job, no future, crushing student debt), and that only the Sackler family gets blamed while other pharma giants get a pass.
9moments
- Nobody wants to discuss whether the anxiety and depression diagnosis masks economic desperation—no job, no family, no future.
- Kids diagnosed with ADHD just want to run around, but streets are perceived as crawling with predators, so they sit inside watching Twitch and eating peanut butter.
- The solution: Adderall for the kids, then nine million dollars in college loans, then a degree in a useless field, then a lifetime of student debt.
- The system tells you the problem is chemical and in your head, not structural—here's eight hundred dollars, now go die.
- You cannot question pharmaceutical companies without being branded an anti-vaxxer or conspiracy theorist.
- An entire generation of Americans is on so many SSRIs their sexual function is destroyed, requiring more pills to fix the side effects.
- The Sackler family is scapegoated as lone-wolf villains for Oxycontin while other pharma companies are treated as benevolent despite similar behavior.
- When questioned about other pharmaceutical negligence, the response is to shut you down and redirect to culture war debates like Harry Styles and dresses.
- Meanwhile, kids are coming home from school and there's nothing you can actually do about any of it.
Sackler familypharmaceutical companiesBill GatesADHDanxiety and depressionMerckNovartisPfizer+2 more
- 2 min
Joe Biden's Healthcare Plan and Wanting to Get Hit by a Bentley
#Tim predicts Biden and Harris will bring more war and empty healthcare promises, riffs on Barry Weiss going on The View, then returns to the Bentley dealership bit, imagining getting fatally struck by one.
4moments
- Joe Biden's healthcare plan will be nothing, and war will resume once he's in office.
- The US keeps funding Saudi Arabia's genocide in Yemen while Israel and Middle East conflicts drain resources.
- Tim walks around the closed Bentley dealership touching the grilles like Rain Man, examining the newer design.
- Wouldn't it be nice to get hit by a Bentley and have your face smashed into the grill in front of a family on vacation.
- 3 min
The Cancellation of Planet Earth
#Tim declares that no one cares about PC culture anymore because the real story is the wholesale cancellation of Earth itself, with elites preparing to leave while everyone else is left behind for a joyless Thanksgiving.
7moments
- Planet Earth is being cancelled—the wealthy are leaving on jets and spaceships while everyone else watches them go.
- Tim questions whether there's anything to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
- It's a lean season for gratitude right now.
- Prediction: ads will show a snowman on a ventilator with the message 'It's a different kind of Christmas this year.'
- Tim describes Santa Claus on a Zoom call with everyone accepting whatever corporate messaging comes next.
- He doesn't want any Christmas music this year—only funeral dirges and Gregorian chant.
- Tim insists radio stations should play nothing but funeral dirges and Gregorian chant, no peppy holiday music.
climate changecorporate Christmas commercialsChristmas musicThanksgivingpolitical correctness
- 2 min
Imagining a Dystopian 'Different Kind of Christmas' Ad Campaign
#Tim does a bit as a corporate voice (Amazon-style) explaining that Christmas gatherings are now treated as domestic terrorism, riffing on Santa on Zoom and Anne Frank comparisons for people told to stay locked inside.
4moments
- Tim hopes SantaCon happens this year despite police shooting the participants
- Amazon ad campaign warns it's a 'different kind of Christmas' with no human contact allowed
- The FBI sees family Christmas gatherings as a domestic terrorist organization
- Hiding from authorities during Christmas is compared to Anne Frank hiding from the Nazis, except the war is already over
- 1 min
Tim reads a Gabi ad about comparing car and home insurance quotes to save money, mentioning his own experience switching.
2moments
- Tim notes that nothing is great about car insurance, but you have to get cheap coverage anyway.
- Tim says he just got a car and used Gabi himself, calling it cool.
- 2 min
Tim reads a Vincero watches ad praising Ben's Ventura watch, joking about using a watch to break the ice with women, and gives the promo code.
5moments
- Tim mentions people always compliment Ben's Ventura watch when they're out together.
- Vincero promises solid, well-made products with no brand name markup or big-time price tags.
- Tim says he'd get a watch once they start paying him more, noting how cool it is to have one.
- Tim pitches a pickup line: a woman asks for the time, and he responds that it's time for her to be his.
- Promo code TIM gets 15 percent off an entire Vincero watch order with free shipping.
- 2 min
Happy Comedians Are Scarier Than Angry Ones
#Tim argues that happiness is bad for his style of comedy, mocking relentlessly upbeat comedians and telling them to just go play volleyball instead of wasting everyone's time on stage.
6moments
- Tim says depression is better for the type of comedy he does; happiness isn't good for comedy.
- Happy comedians are actually scarier than angry ones.
- Tim mocks overly cheerful stage personas asking inane questions like whether audiences have farted on dates.
- He tells certain comics to stop wasting everyone's time and just go play volleyball instead.
- Tim is moving from the desert back to the valley of California for a year to try Los Angeles.
- He says he'd move to Texas if Joe Rogan became governor.
- 2 min
Running for Congress as a Bit, with Steve Will Do It as VP
#Tim jokes about moving to Texas if Joe Rogan becomes governor and floats running for Congress as a joke campaign, imagining a hostile press conference about his own moral failings, then riffs on the Nelk Boys' chaotic antics compared to politicians like Garcetti.
5moments
- Tim pitches running for Congress as a bit because he gets bored easily.
- Tim's campaign would have to address his history: paying for sex, selling subprime mortgages, and moral degeneracy.
- His response to any attack would just be "full send bro" while looking into the camera.
- Tim announces Steve Will Do It as his vice presidential running mate.
- At least their antics are fun and different compared to the usual online activist posturing.
Bernie SandersGarcetti
- 4 min
The Fictional 'COVID Contact Tracer' Investigating Every Wedding
#Tim jokes about being 47 minutes of pure bile, briefly defends Louis C.K. against continued judgment, then imagines a True Detective-style contact tracer (Rust Cohle) tracking down everyone who attended a wedding that caused a COVID outbreak.
9moments
- Tim describes 47 minutes of straight bile pouring out of his soul on the episode.
- Tim asks random people on Long Island what they think about Louie; they don't know what he's talking about.
- Eddie Pepitone said there are so many shootings he's bored by them; the news cycle has become boring.
- The big current debate is whether you're going to see your family, which has nothing to do with corona but that's the whole thing.
- Tim mocks the COVID statistics claiming 150 cases and seven deaths from one wedding and questions who's actually doing the contact tracing.
- Tim imagines a historian on the wedding COVID beat, working like Rust Cohle with strings of yarn connecting every person who left their house in six months.
- Matthew McConaughey sits smoking a cigarette, explaining how the Johnsons went to a baby shower, then drove two states away to see their son at college.
- Tim parodies Woody Harrelson confused and unimpressed, while the detective shows him a tape of people sitting in a backyard eating burgers instead of crime scene footage.
- Woody agrees to help find everybody who went to the Miller wedding to complete the COVID contact tracing investigation.
- 1 min
Tim shouts out the Red Scare hosts and Patreon supporters, joking that Kamala Harris will come into government with a chainsaw and execute people, including hoping Patreon itself survives.
4moments
- Shout-out to Red Scare podcast and their Patreon supporters.
- Tim warns that Kamala Harris will arrive with a chainsaw to execute Patreon operations.
- Kamala will saw desks apart and execute people at Patreon by standing them on a plank and walking them blindfolded into a field.
- Tim questions the Patreon model where people talk and others give them money in response.
- 6 min
Closing Riff: The Gown, the Slave Race, and Ascending to Space
#Tim closes with an extended fantasy of a man giving up on masculinity for a designer gown he can't afford, spiraling into a cosmic bit about humanity being an alien-created slave race destined to be bred again on a new planet after Earth is abandoned.
10moments
- Tim jokes about someone seeing Harry Styles in a designer gown and deciding to transition only if they could afford couture.
- The gown is off-runway and requires connections to fashion houses, leaving him unable to access it.
- He refuses to be a golden trans person without a gown and would rather return to masculinity than settle for less.
- Tim loves the people in the pit reading Ben Shapiro while trapped in masculinity.
- The news is so dark that people fall into depression, which is why he surrounds himself with frat boys and college kids who ignore current events.
- Maybe the comics he mocked were right—just talk about farting and have fun instead of paying attention to the world.
- Imagine closed Bentley dealerships' cars as spaceships carrying politicians and celebrities away from Earth while regular people stay behind.
- The best hope for ordinary people is being taken on spaceships as experimental sex guinea pigs.
- The Anunnaki created humanity as a slave race through biological experimentation, so repeating the cycle on another planet wouldn't be so bad.
- In a thousand years, the new slave race will leave their planet and continue the cycle, creating shape-shifting interdimensional aliens that feed on negative energy.