Episode 211 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#211 - Snubbed | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 2, 2020 · 1:25:16 · 638,000 views · 19 segments, 141 moments indexed
We reveal the sketches TBS refused to put on The Tournament of Laughs, talk the ongoing Ellen fiasco, and Tim expresses his deep respect for Godfather pizza chain owner Herman Cain.
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- 1 min
- 1 min
The Legion of Skanks Super PAC Endorsement Bit
#Tim claims Dan Soder's super PAC tried to buy an ad urging fans to vote for Ari Shaffir for president of Legion of Skanks, but he instead endorses Louis J. Gomez with a fake "skankthevote" website.
4moments
- Tim announces an endorsement for Ari Shafir as president of Legion of Skanks.
- After soul-searching about what's best for the country, Tim endorses Louis J. Gomez instead.
- Fans directed to skankthevote.com at gmail to register and vote before August 7th.
- Tim announces a planned hotline for people sexually assaulted at the Ellen DeGeneres program.
- 7 min
Tim riffs at length on the Ellen DeGeneres show sexual misconduct allegations, comparing the toxic workplace to Fox News and Abu Ghraib, and imagining Ellen dancing obliviously while abuse happens backstage.
11moments
- Tim opens by asking what's happening at Ellen, describing the workplace as a free-for-all with sexual deviants making employees uncomfortable.
- Ellen DeGeneres has been running a rape room in the back of her show, he claims, juxtaposing the dark allegations against the cheerful on-air persona.
- Thirty-six former employees corroborated incidents of sexual misconduct involving multiple executive producers at the Ellen show.
- Tim contrasts the 36 assaults at Ellen with Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly's scandals at Fox News, noting Ellen didn't even reach those numbers of victims.
- Employees complained to Ellen about Kevin Lehmann and Ed Glavin getting handsy, but she just stared back with a stone face because she's a CIA asset, he suggests.
- Ellen sits next to George W. Bush yukking it up about abu Ghraib while Hillary Clinton comes on the show to promote wars, with women screaming in the background.
- The dancing on the Ellen show is the official silencing mechanism—turn the music up so you don't hear the women crying for help.
- Ellen came out on her ABC sitcom, which Tim applauds, but then she joined the CIA and ran a daytime show masking abuse behind meaningless conversation and dancing.
- Her discrimination when she came out of the closet apparently led her to set up a talk show with abu Ghraib happening in the background dressing room.
- The Ellen DeGeneres dressing room is a regular abu Ghraib—dogs, naked people stacked together, photos of torture in the back while she dances on stage.
- Tim closes by emphasizing this is what's actually going on behind the scenes at Ellen.
Ellen DeGeneresBill O'ReillyRoger AilesEd GlavinGeorge W. BushHillary ClintonKevin LehmanKristen Bell+3 more
- 3 min
Ellen's CIA Asset Theory and Segment Producer Torture Fantasy
#Continuing the Ellen bit, Tim imagines interns being tortured behind the scenes while celebrities like Hillary Clinton, George W. Bush and Henry Kissinger appear on the show unaware.
6moments
- Segment producers at Ellen work with torture imagery as part of their job.
- Ellen walks past torture happening backstage and says nothing because she has to go sit with Dick Cheney and Henry Kissinger.
- Tim imagines what an Ellen interview would look like with torture happening in the background.
- Tim shifts to serious matters: asking where QAnon was when the U.S. government was torturing people.
- The torture program was designed top-down by Cheney, Rumsfeld, and psychologists Mitchell and Jessen.
- People were grabbed off battlefields, possibly innocent, and shipped around the world for torture by the U.S. government.
Dick CheneytortureEllen DeGeneresAbu Ghraib tortureDonald RumsfeldHenry KissingerMitchell and Jessen
- 2 min
Waterboarding, the CIA Torture Program, and China/Coronavirus Origin Theory
#Tim pivots to serious commentary about US torture programs under Cheney/Rumsfeld, then jokes that the US and China jointly created coronavirus and a tell-all book is coming.
5moments
- Tim and Jim Norton made it to the final four of TBS's Tournament of Laughs before getting let go from the show.
- Tim recalls his dream when starting comedy: to one day win the Tournament of Laughs on TBS.
- Tim jokes that his actual dream was for a pandemic to hit right as his comedy career took off, shutting everything down so comics could only compete in lo-fi sketches.
- He speculates that the US and China probably invented coronavirus together and will eventually be revealed as collaborators when a book comes out in five years.
- Tim imagines a future photo proof: the US and China eating ramen together at a bio research convention where they casually created coronavirus as a joke.
Jim NortonTournament of Laughspiff the magic dragon
- 19 min
The TBS Tournament of Laughs Saga and Unaired Sketches
#Tim recounts making it to the finals of TBS's Tournament of Laughs, mocks the network's other shows (Angie Tribeca, Samantha Bee, Miracle Workers), tells the David Dobrik Lamborghini bit, then plays and defends two elaborate unaired sketches (the Fauci mafia parody and a chaotic home-invasion sketch) that TBS refused to air.
19moments
- Tim explains his path to the TBS Tournament of Laughs finals, facing fierce competition from comics in homeless shelters uploading videos on iPhones.
- He won the tournament despite not knowing what happened to competitor Fortune Themes, who was stuck in a revolving door.
- Tim pitches a concept where he gives people stern talking-tos instead of Lamborghinis, questioning why people cry when given free cars that will ruin their lives.
- His alternative: showing up with Chris Hedges books instead of luxury cars, or following David Dobrik around to give him burned-out police cars from the riots.
- Making it to the Tournament of Laughs finals was the only thing he really tried hard for, despite barely promoting it and his aunt calling it an embarrassment.
- He celebrates TBS's legacy of shows like Samantha Bee yelling about Trump for 28 minutes and the series Angie Tribeca with its premise about investigating a ventriloquist murder.
- More TBS highlights: Miracle Workers, where Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi starred in a show about low-level angels trying to get God interested in saving humanity.
- For the tournament finals, Tim and his team hired a full crew, spent thirty thousand dollars per sketch producing content with the best available talent.
- He jokes they hired the same videographers who filmed the Abu Ghraib torture videos and the people who installed blackmail equipment on Epstein's island.
- The team spent a week writing without sleeping, using Adderall, cocaine, and hallucinogens like mushrooms, LSD, and ayahuasca to create art as vessels channeling messages from another world.
- Despite the effort, TBS refused to air the sketches, which Tim considers intelligent, sharp pieces demonstrating respect for the craft of comedy.
- The first sketch took four days to shoot and three to four days to edit with three editors working day and night before TBS rejected it.
- In the Frank Fauci sketch, Tim plays Tony Fauci's son who repeatedly says "forget about it" in a heavy Italian accent while discussing vaccines and bathing.
- Tim insists the rejected sketch was so well-produced that viewers should marvel at how they achieved Game of Thrones-level quality on a thirty-thousand-dollar budget.
- The Frank Fauci sketch used repetition of "forget about it" intentionally to drive home a point about chaos and the necessity of accepting things beyond control.
- He expresses frustration at the producer who lived in a shanty by the 405 freeway for not fighting harder to get the content aired.
- Tim compares the difficulty of producing the second sketch to Olympic gymnastics, where Russian gymnasts had to stick landings perfectly or face assassination back home.
- The second sketch was complex, layered, and a real narrative piece—a departure from their usual one or two minute topical content.
- Tim introduces the second sketch as possibly the greatest piece of art he and Benjamin will ever produce, which TBS cowardly refused to let people see.
Samantha BeeAnthony FauciEllen DeGeneresDavid DobrikTBSWhitney CummingsLittle St JamesChris Hedges+4 more
- 5 min
A sponsor read for Birch Gold Group urging listeners to convert retirement accounts to gold amid economic collapse fears, riffing on preppers and DuckTales' Scrooge McDuck swimming in gold.
10moments
- Tim accuses his guest of being mental while denying the same himself.
- Escalating threats about killing the guest's dog while adopting an Australian accent.
- Tim plays a white woman character declaring herself president of her own country.
- Character invites herself to party in the guest's house and threatens violence.
- Tim expresses disappointment that a sketch didn't air, calling it criminal to deny the effort.
- He claims he's never said to buy gold on the show, then immediately contradicts himself.
- Tim explains why gold bullion matters compared to fake paper currency and recommends converting retirement accounts.
- With six trillion spent on COVID and national debt at twenty-six trillion, Tim warns the dollar won't remain the world's currency.
- Preppers listening to the show need gold, which Birch Gold Group will ship directly to their home.
- Tim's solution to survive the collapse: sit on gold bars with a gun and let the world burn.
- 9 min
Tim reads a Ridge Wallet ad that drifts into calling it the "official wallet" of Epstein's island, then transitions into discussing the newly unsealed Epstein documents and Alan Dershowitz's resurfaced op-ed defending lowering the age of consent.
10moments
- Tim suggests making children fight over gold to toughen them up.
- Tim predicts the stock market will get shellacked and recommends converting retirement accounts to gold.
- Tim jokes that Ghislaine Maxwell probably converted her wealth to gold.
- DuckTales tangent: Tim recalls that Scrooge McDuck swam in a pit of gold, not cash.
- Tim argues the ducks were comforted by the feeling of gold against their skin, making a case for owning physical gold.
- Ridge Wallet pitch: minimal front-pocket wallet with 30,000 five-star reviews.
- Tim explains Ridge Wallet won't be found if you get mugged and brutally beaten on the street.
- Tim acknowledges spending hours promoting Ridge Wallet and pressures listeners to use promo code tim.
- Ridge Wallet is the official wallet of Little Saint James in the Virgin Islands, used by Epstein, Maxwell, Dershowitz, Bill Richardson, and Clinton.
- Tim threatens to kill himself on air if people don't buy the Ridge Wallet.
Birch Gold GroupRidge WalletBill ClintonGhislaine MaxwellJeffrey EpsteinDuckTalesBill RichardsonScrooge McDuck+1 more
- 6 min
Tim discusses Bill Clinton, Bill Richardson, Matt Lauer and others named in the Epstein documents, plus a Herman Cain Godfather's Pizza mafia-name-generator tangent.
10moments
- Alan Dershowitz is such a pedophile, you kind of have to respect how hard in the paint he's going.
- Dershowitz wrote articles suggesting the age of consent should be lowered while being credibly accused of raping children on an island.
- Tim jokes that Trump is about to ban TikTok, so if you want to see 16-year-old girls dancing you have to take a plane with Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton is now named in declassified documents by a witness who says he was at Epstein's island with two young women from New York.
- Other people named in the documents include Alan Dershowitz, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle, and Matt Lauer.
- Ghislaine Maxwell was not only recruiting women, she was abusing them as well, which is a more serious offense she hasn't been charged with.
- Tim notes these people thought they were going to get away with it and almost did—they're all nearly dead octogenarians.
- Godfather's Pizza has a mafia name generator where you create mob names using your initials.
- Tim imagines the delivery driver calling out these mafia names when bringing Godfather's Pizza to someone's trailer.
- Bill Clinton looks pretty dead—he's gone vegan, can't have sex anymore, and has a heart problem.
Alan DershowitzBill ClintonGhislaine MaxwellWhitney WebbBill RichardsonHerman CainRon BurkleGodfather's Pizza+1 more
- 3 min
Bill Clinton's Fall From Progressive Hero to Accused Pedophile
#Tim reflects on Clinton's political rise in the 90s and how far he's fallen given the Epstein allegations, then riffs on Facebook posts questioning whether Fauci created AIDS.
9moments
- Bill Clinton as progressive hero in the 90s, with James Carville and the War Room energy.
- Clinton's skill at retail politics: shaking hands, kissing babies, eating pie at diners across America.
- Tim riffs on the old quote: you die a president or live long enough to become a pedophile.
- From getting his dick sucked in scandal to opening the newspaper with far worse accusations 30 years later.
- Clinton and Hillary won't go away; they're still around despite everything.
- Republicans on Facebook start posts with "this is not a political post" before asking if Fauci created AIDS.
- The Facebook rhetorical pattern: "I'm just asking questions" about COVID being used to eliminate pedophiles.
- Republicans are acting like they're going to lose and should lose; Trump should lose this election.
- The left is so crazy they're running a corpse while obsessing over gender identity of COVID bats.
Bill ClintonHillary ClintonAnthony FauciDonald TrumpJames CarvilleHerman Cain
- 5 min
Herman Cain's Corpse Should Give the RNC Keynote
#Tim argues Republicans should stop showing righteous indignation over mockery of Herman Cain's COVID death and instead prop up his corpse Weekend at Bernie's-style at Fox News and the RNC.
10moments
- Trump has kept the country out of wars, except for the civil war that's coming.
- Republicans lose when they get sensitive and adopt righteous indignation over dead political opponents.
- When Herman Cain died, the left mocked him for not wearing a mask, and conservatives clutched pearls instead of fighting back.
- If you refuse to give poor people healthcare, they have every right to mock the graves of their political enemies.
- When Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, Republicans celebrated because they wanted a conservative who funds ICE on the court.
- Righteous indignation is what losers adopt when they're about to lose.
- To beat liberals, prop up Herman Cain's corpse, puppet it on Fox News, and have him deny he's dead.
- Weekend at Bernie's Herman Cain: move his mouth on Tucker Carlson's show with formaldehyde spray.
- Trump should bring Herman Cain's corpse to stump speeches to normalize the ghoulish strategy.
- Make Herman Cain's dead body the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention since the ship is going down anyway.
Yes or yesHerman CainRuth Bader Ginsburg
- 1 min
In Defense of Herman Cain's Life and the 999 Plan
#Tim praises Herman Cain's business success and briefly explains the actual 999 tax plan before moving on.
4moments
- Tim insists Herman Cain's ideas must live on even though he can't remember what they were.
- Herman Cain was a Black man worth $100 million who kicked ass in life, and people who criticize him suck.
- Tim credits Cain's success to killing fat people with a racist Italian restaurant, the American way.
- Tim defends using Cain's body politically because he'd do it to anyone—including Ruthless Ginsburg—to prevent anyone from dying.
- 7 min
Back-to-back sponsor reads for Raycon earbuds (with a fake mugging story) and Magic Spoon cereal, including jokes about Greg Gutfeld and the cereal being the "official cereal" of Epstein's island.
11moments
- Raycon earbuds are involved with China and going to kill your family.
- Ray J, Brandy's brother, started the brand at half the price of premium wireless earbuds.
- Lose your Apple headphones and Apple will charge you six feet and vaccinate you with Dr. Fauci's water cannon.
- Tim was being mugged the other day and the mugger saw his Raycons and decided not to rob him.
- Magic Spoon cereal has zero sugar, 11 grams of protein, and three net carbs per serving.
- Greg Gutfeld from Fox News likes Magic Spoon and has retweeted Tim about it.
- Magic Spoon mimics the flavor of sugary cereals you had as a kid but is low in sugar and carbs.
- Post a photo with Magic Spoon and Tim will repost it and select one winner for his Madison Square Garden show with Billie Eilish.
- Magic Spoon is the official cereal of Little Saint James island.
- Everyone who eats plain Cheerios is a racist; honey nut Cheerios are acceptable.
- Use code Tim Dillon at magicspoon.com for free shipping.
Magic SpoonRayconLittle Saint JamesAppleAnthony FauciGreg GutfeldBillie EilishRay J+3 more
- 2 min
Tim discusses how Epstein-linked figures like Richardson and Dershowitz seem too old to ever be truly punished, and jokes about Bill Richardson's fake legal statement.
5moments
- Tim's point: Epstein associates are so old they can't actually be punished for anything they've done.
- Bill Richardson's statement denying all allegations and claiming he's never been contacted by any party regarding the lawsuit.
- Everyone under 25 has anxiety and should shut up about it, especially if they're millionaires.
- Tim reads Richardson's denial that he ever visited Epstein's Virgin Islands residence, despite loving his New Mexico ranch.
- Richardson only gets with people of age, and if some aren't, he doesn't know because everybody looks the same.
- 1 min
Brief mention that Tim will be doing all the late-night spots at the Comedy Store in LA when it reopens.
2moments
- Tim plans to do all the spots at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles when it reopens, from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.
- He needs to get the reps in and put in stage time at the venue.
- 2 min
Praising Louis Gomez and Ray Kump's Twitter
#Tim plugs his friend Louis Gomez and comedian Ray Kump's underrated Twitter account, reading a series of Kump's satirical tweets about generational politics.
8moments
- Tim praises Louis Gomez as someone he likes more and more because Louis sees the world for what it is.
- Ray Kump has the best Twitter right now—better than Tim's own, despite Tim having more followers from making videos.
- Tim recounts a story about his dad asking what a gender binary is at dinner, leading to Tim hitting him and screaming about entitlement at Olive Garden.
- A tweet about grandparents cowering in Europe during WWII while this generation runs satire accounts nobody asked for.
- A roommate locked in her room leaving threatening voicemails for her ex's children while blasting Gilmore Girls and crying—her meatball sandwich is fair game.
- Republicans demand personal responsibility and tell people to buy guns for babies, then shoot the baby in the spine.
- Democrats promise to give poor people a pencil.
- Ray Kump's Twitter handle is @raykump, and he's tweeting from a hole somewhere.
- 9 min
The TikTok Hype House Kids of LA and a Fake Interview Video
#Tim describes LA's TikTok teen influencers taking over restaurants like BOA, riffs on LA's food scene, imagines dark scenarios involving the paparazzi guy who follows them, and plays a sketch video mocking TikTok kid interviews.
10moments
- Tim's friend's son cast all the teenagers in a TikTok satire video because Tim doesn't know anyone in their teens anymore.
- LA's TikTok kids descend on Boa Steakhouse in bedazzled jackets while paparazzi follow them around asking about their relationships.
- These kids are tiny, went viral two years ago, and are now millionaires living in LA while their parents are probably out of work.
- Imagining these TikTok kids in old age explaining that during the pandemic they were dancing in the Hollywood Hills making millions.
- Paparazzi who came to LA to film real celebrities now have to follow 16-year-old TikTok kids around Starbucks.
- Tim jokes about what would be funny if a paparazzi guy just had a complete breakdown on camera in front of the TikTok kids.
- The fake interview video starts with paparazzi confronting kids about cancel culture and their personal drama.
- One kid in the video nailed his part in one take, getting the emotional tone right about his mother's COVID death.
- Tim assumed some actual TikTok kids would share the satire video but they're too far above him to care about his comedy.
- Comedy isn't for good-looking people doing well—it's for people whose lives are on fire, not kids making money wearing branded sweatshirts.
BoaNancy Silverton's Osteria MozzaTikTok kidsJ.L. KovanDonald Trump
- 1 min
Final Lament for the TBS Sketches
#Tim closes out his complaint about TBS executives rejecting his sketches, calling them cowards for not airing what he considers great art.
2moments
- Tim claims TBS rejected two of the greatest pieces of art ever produced because executives thought they didn't make sense and were literally insane.
- He submitted sketches of himself playing with a bulldog that the network dismissed as nonsense, and he questions whether their criticism was even fair.
- 2 min
Tim plugs his social media, jokingly scrolls through an old Instagram photo of Oscar joining the National Guard, and closes the show.
4moments
- Tim directs listeners to timdilon.com for tour dates.
- Oscar's old Instagram posts reveal he joined the National Guard during protests, which Tim calls very suspect.
- Oscar is currently promoting a Jamaican doctor who claims diseases come from demons in your sleep.
- Tim announces he is the new host of Fighter in the Kit.