Episode 206 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#206 - Turn Yourselves In | The Tim Dillon Show
Jun 28, 2020 · 1:38:01 · 815,000 views · 24 segments, 155 moments indexed
Tim talks about the lovely people at Netflix's Big Mouth, how to look fabulous using Jeffree Star's makeup tutorials, and why Family Guy is finally moving in the right direction.
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- 2 min
Cold Open: Jenny Slate Must Go to Jail
#Tim opens with mock outrage over Jenny Slate stepping down from voicing the mixed-race character Missy on Big Mouth, escalating into a satirical demand that she be jailed for "erasing" a black character.
3moments
- Tim opens with a serious note about race, accountability, and holding people responsible.
- Jenny Slate, a white woman, voiced Missy, a mixed-race character on Netflix's Big Mouth.
- Tim argues that Slate's decision to step down from the role isn't enough punishment.
- 3 min
Nuking the Capitol: Out-Woking the Woke
#He proposes a strategy of responding to woke demands with absurd overkill, culminating in the bit about nuking Washington DC to solve monument controversies, then pivots into mocking beauty influencers like Jeffree Star and Shane Dawson as untouchable billionaires.
7moments
- Tim describes Jenny Slate as having used a 'futuristic weapon' to 'erase a black person' and insists she must go to jail for at least ten years.
- He declares this is not a joke and demands Slate lose her freedom for voicing the mixed-race character Missy on Big Mouth.
- Tim pivots to calling for Big Mouth itself to be canceled and suggests Nick Kroll will have to find work in 'security-related matters.'
- Slate's actual statement is read aloud: she reasoned that Missy was permissible because the character's mother is Jewish and white, but now acknowledges this was an example of white privilege.
- Tim responds to her apology by insisting she still belongs in jail and demanding the show's producers be imprisoned as well.
- He explains he's laughing because he's angry, cycling between the two emotions while emphasizing that Black Lives Matter even on Netflix cartoons.
- Nick Kroll's parents deserve punishment too—Tim suggests an 'underground prison' and tells people to Google to find out what the Krolls do.
- 3 min
Blackface Confusion and His Own Childhood in Yellowface
#Tim wonders aloud when blackface ever seemed acceptable, then recounts being made up in "Asian" makeup as a child playing a Polynesian character in a community theater production of South Pacific.
3moments
- Tim apologizes for a bit with Nick Mullen about Orthodox Jews wearing diapers to landlord-tenant court to pretend to be insane and rip off minority tenants—but refuses to actually apologize because he didn't erase a Black person in it.
- Jenny's apology for anyone she's hurt triggers Tim to mock the premise by listing all the ways people have supposedly killed themselves after finding out Missy was voiced by her on Big Mouth.
- Tim demands that Jenny Slate and Big Mouth producers turn themselves in to a military tribunal rather than local police.
- 15 min
A long, drifting ad read for the streetwear brand FUCT that spirals into riffing on hypebeast culture, resellers, sneakerheads, and trying on the merch live with Ben, including jokes about a bin Laden scarf and Sinaloa cartel merchandise.
10moments
- Tim's strategy for dealing with woke people: out-woke them by suggesting increasingly extreme positions like nuking Washington DC instead of removing monuments.
- Influencers like Shane Dawson and Jeffree Star have become so wealthy they essentially own planets, making cancellation attempts meaningless.
- Tim questions why the makeup industry generates trillions of dollars when people are broke and starving, wondering how cosmetics became the only profitable business in America.
- Appearance of Jeffree Star: if you bumped into him on the street, you wouldn't guess he made money in beauty consulting.
- Shane Dawson did blackface in photos where he looked like Oprah, a reason Tim avoids blackface to prevent being called offensive names.
- Tim recalls performing in a community theater production of South Pacific as a child, given bronze makeup, Asian eyes, and a black wig despite being white.
- Texas shutting down again; rattlesnake bites are a popular appetizer there—jalapeño poppers wrapped in bacon.
- In LA, Tim sees young people lined up outside stores and learns they're hypebeast culture fans waiting for FUCT clothing drops.
- FUCT clothing sells out in minutes on drop days; hypebeast resellers treat it as a flipping game with high resale value.
- FUCT's LA pop-up got shut down by LAPD, demonstrating how seriously people take the brand despite it being just clothing.
Yes or yesJenny SlateShane DawsonSouth PacificJeffree Star
- 10 min
The Mask Debate and Restaurant Mask Rules
#Tim explains his noncommittal but practical stance on mask-wearing, mocking celebrities who weigh in on public health, then tells a story about being forced to mask up just to walk five seconds to an outdoor restaurant table.
8moments
- Tim explains that selling t-shirts is now how people make a living since manufacturing collapsed
- He claims shirt resellers and sneaker resellers are the greatest patriots in the country
- Tim compares the branded sweatshirt to Carhartt work wear and refuses to wear it because he's not a pig
- The sweatshirt arrives during the show—blue cotton-poly blend with profanity on it
- Tim argues the Sinaloa cartel cares more about their people than the US government does
- He wants the bin Laden scarf from the clothing line but it's sold out and considered elite merchandise
- Tim refuses to comment on mask policy, citing his lifestyle of drinking and cocaine use as disqualifying
- His actual mask position: wears one in stores because others do, same reason he wears shoes; avoids indoor restaurants and bars to stay away from coronavirus
Brendan SchaubCarhartt
- 3 min
Reopening, Riots, and Uniting Fat People with Anarchists
#He riffs on everyone wanting to get back outside regardless of ideology, joking that fat cruise-goers and violent anarchists should unite, and mocking the chaos of competing narratives around reopening and protests.
3moments
- Tim argues that mask mandates should be a private business decision, not a law, and that refusing to wear one when asked is just being difficult.
- A Mexican restaurant in the desert demands masks for a five-second walk through common areas to reach an outdoor table, then removes them.
- People pulling their shirts over their noses defeats the purpose, and Tim says stop blaming protests or early reopening for COVID spread.
masksprotests
- 3 min
Sarah Cooper Praise and Why Hollywood Doesn't Love Him
#Tim praises comedian Sarah Cooper while cautioning against overhyping her, then reflects on why mainstream comedians like Seinfeld and Patton Oswalt won't engage with him, blaming his refusal to apologize for old jokes.
6moments
- Sarah Cooper is talented and pleasant, but stop calling her the greatest political satirist of our time.
- Hollywood doesn't love Tim; Jerry Seinfeld and Patton Oswalt don't retweet him or care about his work.
- Tim acknowledges it's because of his words, actions, and unwillingness to compromise his beliefs.
- Executives ask him to apologize for the Sebastian Maniscalco Africa bit before offering him a show.
- Tim refuses to apologize for the joke, which is why he won't get a television deal.
- Even if he compromised and got one or two seasons, he'd return to the podcast bitter after abandoning his principles.
Sarah CooperSebastian ManiscalcoLuis GomezNick MullenJerry SeinfeldPatton Oswalt
- 3 min
Imagining His Own Canceled Talk Show
#He imagines being pressured to apologize for old bits in exchange for a TV show, and riffs on TikTok culture, lip-syncing, and white kids trying not to say slurs while dancing.
5moments
- Tim wants a show or movie deal but expects the industry will give it to lip-sync performers instead.
- The core challenge of TikTok for white kids is dancing to rap songs without saying the n-word.
- Florida is where people are drowning and don't care—Tim shouts out the greatest state and spent twenty minutes roasting Tampa.
- Tim's friend Dan Carney, an opener from before the pandemic, just moved to Florida and describes it as pure chaos.
- Dan encountered an old woman outside a pizza place claiming the military spreads fear-mongering propaganda.
- 2 min
Florida Chaos and Long Island COVID Stories
#Tim relays stories from a friend about surreal pandemic scenes in Florida, then tells an extended story about "fat Carla," Big Jay's ex-wife, having COVID and bleeding from the mouth outside an urgent care in Long Island.
6moments
- Tim's demo might be people overdosing on oxycodone who have blue lips instead of blue checkmarks.
- Some people want to spend time with Tim and get to know him; others just want him to say something and leave immediately.
- An elderly upstairs neighbor spent 50 years in the building and insisted on explaining its 1947 construction and apartment configurations.
- The neighbor questioned why he'd buy a condo for 1.3 million when he already has all the space he needs upstairs.
- Big Jay's ex-wife Carla had coronavirus on Long Island and experienced blood clots in her mouth, spitting blood outside urgent care clinics.
- Carla's daughter cried the first time she could eat Chipotle again after recovering from COVID.
- 2 min
Banned From the Long Island Comedy Club
#He recounts getting banned from a Long Island comedy club after calling out the audience's appearance, and discusses due process regarding a comedian accused of misconduct without naming specifics.
5moments
- Tim's driver's license is suspended.
- Tim described the audience as grotesque, wearing sweatpants and 90s starter jackets.
- The Hollywood Improv has hot influencers in the audience but they're bad.
- Tim would have someone on to plead their case despite allegations, but says they should do a bigger show than his.
- Tim jokes about booking Krista Leon with Candace Owens and them dating, somehow getting him cancelled instead.
Governor's Comedy ClubHollywood ImprovCandace OwensLong IslandJoe RoganNetflix
- 3 min
Fantasy Crossover: Chris D'Elia and Candace Owens, and a Nazi Cabaret Bit
#Tim jokes about pairing controversial guests for shock value, then imagines comedian Kat Cohen turning her satirical white-guilt cabaret act into an over-the-top Nazi-themed performance.
8moments
- Tim lays out the episode plan: Chris D'Elia and Candace Owens.
- Kat Cohen, a New York cabaret comedian, did a sketch satirizing racism where she put a Black friend in a news anchor role, which emerged at a bad time.
- Tim imagines Cohen pivoting to a Nazi cabaret act, building the whole show around white nationalist talking points delivered as cabaret performance.
- Why couldn't this premise actually work—why can't he just admit a Neo-Nazi cabaret would be funny if executed right.
- Speculation about which gay audience members or performers could make a decent career out of supporting such an act if they found the right musician.
- Even if a Nazi cabaret wouldn't be sustainable long-term, the window would be short but worth hitting hard while the moment lasted.
- Cohen could come out in a sash, grab a microphone, and just start discussing crime statistics to piano accompaniment while the audience sways uncomfortably.
- Tim circles back: next week's episode with Chris D'Elia and Candace Owens—time to shake things up before the war with China starts in six months.
Kat CohenCandace Owens
- 4 min
China, Apu, and The Simpsons Controversy
#He jokingly blames China for stirring cultural division via the Apu documentary and Big Mouth casting news, then defends The Simpsons' ethnic stereotype characters as harmless compared to real historical ethnic violence.
7moments
- Tim claims China is behind the Apu documentary and the push to remove the character from The Simpsons.
- Hari Kondabolu was allegedly given money by China to make a documentary attacking Apu as a stereotype.
- Apu was a beloved immigrant character and business owner, but became controversial due to his stereotypical accent.
- The Simpsons had many ethnic stereotypes — Italian gangsters, Irish drunks, creepy Kennedy-esque mayor — but Apu specifically distressed Indian people.
- Tim's grandfather witnessed actual ethnic violence between Irish and Italian immigrants on New York streets with weapons.
- Kids don't need a cartoon character to learn cruelty; they're already naturally nasty, cruel, and vindictive.
- Tim reflects on being made fun of as a kid for being shallow, fake, and wanting to hang around rich people.
The SimpsonsApu NahasapeemapetilonChinaHari Kondabolu
- 5 min
In Defense of Apu and Loving Indian Culture
#Tim continues defending the Apu character, describing his fondness for Jackson Heights' Indian community and food, and argues that erasing ethnic stereotypes doesn't reflect real affection between communities.
9moments
- Tim recounts being told as a child that everyone loves him, which he found emotionally exhausting and traumatic.
- Indian people have accents and that's fine—Tim says he likes them and loves Indian culture in Jackson Heights.
- He describes eating gulab jamun and deep-fried sweets with Raymond, with Indians dancing around them afterward.
- The problem with removing Apu isn't that he owns a Kwik-E-Mart; it's that people shouldn't have to erase differences to satisfy critics.
- Hank Azaria stepped down from playing Apu and Jenny Slate is replacing him, but funny people would just tweet about it.
- Everything's outlawed now and people can't have fun anymore because of cancel culture.
- Abolishing police sounds good in theory but power vacuums get filled—the college kids pushing it don't understand how the real world works.
- Shaming tactics that work on social media don't work on actual criminals with guns who don't care about being canceled.
- People who want to kill you aren't going to respond to Twitter antics or cancellation.
Hank AzariaJenny SlateJackson Heightsde BlasioRay Kump
- 12 min
An extended ad for musician Nate Bergman's solo Patreon project, including playing his songs, joking about a rivalry with Doja Cat, and riffing on a fictional collaboration with Louis Farrakhan.
13moments
- Nate Bergman's first solo music compared by critics to Otis Redding crossed with Bruce Springsteen, with original voice and distorted sound.
- Tim notes the music sounds very different from Doja Cat and warns fans of Doja Cat might not love this.
- Songs on the album include one about Allen Dulles and another titled 'The Life of the American Entertainer Living on the Line.'
- Nate is a rough member of the Patreon community and has supported the show for years.
- Tim comments on Nate's great voice and the quality of his instrumental work.
- Tim questions whether 'Middle of the End' is named after one of his podcast episodes with that title.
- Tim wonders what happened to Lionize and observes that bands are rough financially without touring.
- Nate's website is NateBergmanSings.com and he can be found on Instagram and Twitter at the same handle.
- Nate has a sing-along with Louis Farrakhan on his Patreon where he teaches Farrakhan to play guitar.
- Tim notes awkwardly that BMG Records appears to have failed to launch Lionize, leading Nate to go solo.
- Tim suggests there's room for both Nate Bergman and Doja Cat, and proposes a collaboration between all three artists.
- Tim encourages listeners to support independent creators and musicians, emphasizing their importance to the country.
- Final plug for patreon.com/NateBergmanSings with social media handles across platforms.
Nate BergmanBMG RecordsAllen DullesLouis FarrakhanDozy CatLionize
- 2 min
A straightforward ad read for Hydrant, an electrolyte drink mix, pitched as a hangover and energy alternative to coffee.
7moments
- Hydrant is an electrolyte drink mix that hydrates the body with sodium, potassium, magnesium, and zinc.
- Tim argues electrolytes are better than caffeine, which dehydrates you and causes crashes.
- The formula was developed by an Oxford scientist with no synthetic colors or artificial sweeteners.
- Hydrant costs under a buck per packet for a 30-day supply, or less with a monthly subscription.
- Tim says you can use it instead of Frappuccinos, cold brew, or 5-hour energy drinks in the morning.
- If you drink cocktails, Hydrant in the morning makes you feel good—it's not alcoholism, it's just fun.
- Go to drinkhydrant.com/TimD to order; it helps the show, helps you, and helps America.
- 3 min
Tim reacts to news that Mike Henry is stepping down from voicing Cleveland Brown and that shows like Community and 30 Rock are pulling blackface episodes, joking about the sudden discovery of how much blackface existed in entertainment.
7moments
- Mike Henry steps down as voice of Cleveland Brown after 20 years, citing that persons of color should get their chance at the role.
- Netflix pulls Community episode over blackface, featuring Ken Jeong in the scene.
- Tim riffs on performing 'Blame It on the Juice' in blackface with Ken Jeong at a wedding.
- Multiple shows are purging blackface episodes—30 Rock, The View, and others pulling content in what appears to be a coordinated purge.
- Tim expresses surprise at discovering how widespread blackface was in American television, citing Sarah Silverman's 2008 incident.
- Tim wonders if blackface was simply happening everywhere and he just wasn't aware of it.
- Ghislaine Maxwell is now being asked for forgiveness because she attended an event in blackface dressed as Diana Ross.
Ken JeongAlex BorsteinThe ViewSarah SilvermanNetflix30 RockGhislaine MaxwellLizzo
- 4 min
Irish Suffering and Bad Irish Last Names
#Tim jokes that the Irish are the most persecuted people in history, riffing through a list of unfortunate Irish surnames like O'Carroll and Cavanaugh and their supposed doomed fates.
6moments
- Tim claims the Irish suffered more than any group in the country and are a damned race.
- Irish surnames like McCarthy carry an expectation that the bearer will be a loser.
- Having the last name O'Sullivan is almost as bad as having been asleep.
- Tim reads through a list of Irish last names and predicts failure for each one, starting with Patty Doyle.
- His friend Bobby O'Carroll's wife set him on fire while he slept because a banshee told her to.
- Brett Kavanaugh won't succeed because of his Irish surname, despite being on the Supreme Court.
- 4 min
Retiring 'Cancel Your Family' Tour and Who Should Voice Cleveland
#He announces renaming his tour from 'Cancel Your Family' to 'Life in the Big City,' then debates who could replace Mike Henry as Cleveland, riffing on the character's essential whiteness despite being black.
7moments
- Everything's too tight; people need to toughen up and bring enjoyment back.
- The word 'trauma' gets fetishized and misapplied—it should be reserved for soldiers and abuse survivors, not people offended at open mics.
- Who should voice Cleveland Brown now that the original actor is gone?
- Cleveland is essentially a white voice that Black comedians do—a fat, suburban, whiny loser, not a cool Black guy.
- Tim describes the character: a lactating old white man driving through Home Depot, farting, eating drive-thru food—that's the Cleveland we picture.
- The real fight shouldn't be over recasting; it should be making better shows that Black audiences actually want to watch.
- Shows like 'The Nightly Show' bombed with everyone regardless of race because they were just bad.
- 3 min
Nobody Watched The Nightly Show
#Tim argues that woke comedy content underperforms because it's simply not funny, citing the failure of Larry Wilmore's Nightly Show as an example nobody watched.
8moments
- Nobody's happy with anything anymore, and it's getting strange.
- Dating rules from a white fertility book make friendship impossible because everyone's afraid of offending each other.
- Identity politics might be the CIA's way of preventing class cohesion among poor people.
- The ruling class benefits from dividing people rather than letting them unite across economic lines.
- Tim credits a Twitter account called grub stalkers pod with making the point about ruling-class division tactics.
- The Cancel Your Family tour is being renamed Life in the Big City tour because the original feels tone-deaf during Corona.
- Dick Cheney orchestrated 9/11 and killed 3,000 people, so Tim listens to him on mask guidance.
- Cheney instituted torture programs and violated the Geneva Convention, yet Tim trusts him on public health advice.
- 3 min
Dick Cheney Tells Everyone to Wear a Mask
#Tim delivers an extended rant on the absurdity of listening to Dick Cheney's mask advice given his role in torture programs and the Iraq War, spiraling into a surreal Bohemian Grove fantasy involving Ellen DeGeneres.
6moments
- Tim on why he listens to Dick Cheney: the man spends most of his day torturing people and a little part being nice to his lesbian daughter.
- Ungrateful Americans should remember the economy did well after 9/11, so they owe thanks to Cheney.
- Tim recognizes his anti-establishment rants limit his career prospects compared to people like Ellen DeGeneres.
- Ellen DeGeneres wants to hang out with Dick Cheney and visit Abu Ghraib to see where blood was spilled, which is why she makes $80 million a year.
- Ellen's probably at Bohemian Grove leading the cremation of care ceremony in front of the owl while billionaire CEOs and media heads dance around.
- Extended riff imagining 9/11 where masked elites watch planes hit buildings while Ellen does the Charleston in front of the owl at Bohemian Grove.
Dick CheneyEllen DeGeneresHalliburtonBohemian GroveAnderson Cooper
- 2 min
Imagining Meeting Jimmy Fallon
#He imagines an awkward hypothetical encounter with Jimmy Fallon referencing an old viral clip, then returns to the Jenny Slate/Cleveland Brown bit, joking she must master the voice to redeem herself.
5moments
- Tim imagines a scenario where his career improves and he might end up meeting Jimmy Fallon on a talk show.
- He doesn't think he'll actually meet Fallon, but acknowledges he could be in spaces where it might happen awkwardly.
- Tim notes that a clip of him saying Fallon bit someone's tit almost got a million views.
- Jenny Slate needs to go to jail for using a cartoon to erase a Black person.
- The only way Jenny Slate can redeem herself is if she can do the Cleveland Browns voice.
- 3 min
Dream TV Show Pitch with Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne
#Tim fantasizes about scrapping his hypothetical show's first episode script to bring on Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr to talk about QAnon, and praises Roseanne's recent comments while eating at Ocean Prime.
5moments
- Tim says he's a year away from abandoning the entertainment industry to move to the desert or Florida.
- His dream TV show: first episode script gets thrown out, then he brings Rosie and Arnold on to play 'challenge to truth' and get real.
- Ocean Prime in Beverly Hills is his go-to restaurant because it's an expensive Red Lobster with diverse Black patrons who love seafood.
- Tim pitches bringing Roseanne on as the first guest of his show and calls her one of the last genuine OGs left in the game.
- He hopes the hungry dogs in the street have enough meat not to come after him for thinking and speaking freely.
Roseanne BarrRosie O'DonnellOcean PrimeJenny SlateArnold SchwarzeneggerLaToya Jackson
- 2 min
Trump as the First Woman President Bit
#He jokes that Trump is effectively the first female president due to his erratic behavior, and argues comedians should stop moralizing after going to college.
6moments
- Tim's take: Trump is the first woman president because she's designed to make him happy.
- Most of what Trump says Tim enjoys, setting aside the Planet of the Apes comment.
- Can't comedians go back to enjoying crazy people instead of going to college and lecturing everyone?
- Tim argues comedians who went to college shouldn't be allowed—except Mulaney—because the new graduates are no good.
- People need to have more fun: enjoy a quesadilla, enjoy the Cheesecake Factory.
- Have fun, drink, drive drunk, cheat on your spouse, and abandon your family because it's time for you.
- 2 min
Closing Riff: Enjoy Life and the Roseanne/Cheney Finale Fantasy
#Tim closes urging listeners to enjoy life recklessly, then describes his fantasy finale for a future TV show involving Roseanne, Jenny Slate, Candace Owens, Dick Cheney, and Ellen DeGeneres all appearing together.
5moments
- Tim on living for yourself in end times: stop sacrificing for others, enjoy what you have.
- He wants industry validation and a shot at making a beautiful show, comparing his ambitions to Sarah Cooper's.
- His fantasy show finale: Roseanne Arnold orchestrates an elaborate revenge sequence starting with a black hand grabbing Jenny Slate.
- The hand reveals itself as Candace Owens, then Roseanne hands Jenny Slate a cigarette and they hold up the letter Q together.
- Tim closes the fantasy by emerging with Dick Cheney and a child he tortured, mercilessly, watched by everyone saying good luck.
Candace OwensJenny SlateRoseanne ArnoldDick CheneySarah CooperEllen DeGeneres