rant · moment 4 of 22
Long Island Restaurant Reopening Rules, Matilda's Law, and the Death of Dining Out
from #200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show · #200
15 min
Tim reads his dad's forwarded reopening guidelines from a Long Island Italian restaurant point by point masks, gloves, hand sanitizer, temperature checks, the health pledge, banning guests over 70, four-person party limits, Matilda's Law and riffs at length on how absurd and unworkable it all is, expanding into a rant about the death of restaurant culture, his own dining expertise, college being finished as an institution, and his real feelings on Bill Gates before pivoting into open mockery of Gates's sun-dimming plan.
- Tim's father sends him Long Island restaurant reopening rules from their website.
- No one will go out to eat when waiters show up in beekeeper outfits to hand you butter and sanitizer.
- Reopening guidelines require all employees to wear gloves and masks during service, per CDC or New York State recommendations.
- Hand sanitizer will be readily available to guests, which on Long Island will probably happen via fountains and ice luges.
- Customers must wear masks and gloves provided by the restaurant while eating, removing them only to eat then putting them back up.
- Tables are disinfected before and after each seating, sprayed down in front of diners like a car wash.
- Guests must provide contact info for notification of contagion and pledge they have no COVID symptoms, which Tim notes is truthful on Long Island.
- Matilda's Law will be enforced, named after an annoying Italian-Jewish woman who was loud enough to exempt herself from rules.
- Customers over 70 are not allowed to dine within the restaurant walls, which excludes most of Long Island.
- Maximum party size is four, forcing people to negotiate risks and decide how much they actually like each other.
- Tim predicts college is done and will be reformed into something that actually prepares people for real life instead of weird threesomes and protesting.
- Guests must stay separate while waiting to be seated and not talk to other parties, which will be executed poorly on Long Island.
- The restaurant document includes a whole section on mental well-being, describing how mandatory pauses in service allow consideration of industry burnout.
- Tim claims to specialize in going out to dinner and identifies people who are bad at it, like those who order chicken at steakhouses.
- These guidelines represent a death knell to the restaurant business as we know it, unless vaccines or antivirals change the situation.
Andrew Cuomocollege educationBill GatesCDCCOVID-19Barack ObamaNew York StateJeff BezosLong IslandMatilda Fabrice ecoan