Episode 199 · The Ben Avery Era
#199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show
May 10, 2020 · 1:16:26 · 293,000 views · 22 segments, 147 moments indexed
Live from a stunning estate in Beverly Hills, Tim contemplates whether health is real, gives his take on Plandemic, monkeys trained as traffickers, and wants to see Adele even skinnier.
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- 4 min
Cold Open: Coronavirus Is Fake (and Plandemic Was Yanked from YouTube)
#Tim opens by sarcastically declaring coronavirus fake and part of an Anthony Fauci/Bill Gates/Greta Van Susteren plot, riffing on the Plandemic documentary getting pulled from YouTube, and arguing that comforting conspiracy is more appealing than admitting the chaos of the pandemic is just chaos.
10moments
- Coronavirus is fake, but Tim and the show are pretending along with everyone else that there's a disease and people are dying from it.
- All the nurses and doctors are actors hired by Dr. Fauci, Bill Gates, and possibly Greta Thunberg.
- Tim learned all this from Plandemic, a YouTube documentary by a thick older woman who looks like she flogs her children after cocktails.
- YouTube removed Plandemic from the platform, which Tim argues makes misinformation sexier rather than less appealing.
- People find the idea of an Orwellian plan comforting compared to the reality that this is a chaotic period with no plan at all.
- People will use this crisis to accelerate things they wanted to do, and you will leave with less freedom, just like after 9/11.
- The woman who made Plandemic has credibility issues, and Tim doesn't know what he believes about any of it.
- Tim speaks to doctors and nurses but doesn't know how contagious or transmissible the virus is.
- Tim urges people to find a way to enjoy their life, as there's not much of it left.
- Fauci is shady because he's been a government official for decades; everybody in government makes deals.
YouTubeCOVID-19PlandemicAnthony FauciBill GatesGreta Van Susteren
- 4 min
Deleting Family From My Phone to Honor the Heroes
#He commits to permanently cutting off his family and refusing to send gifts (including Ben's wedding present) as an absurdly overblown gesture of solidarity with frontline workers, insisting he'll maintain this even a decade after the pandemic ends.
7moments
- Tim has made a pact to never visit family or attend family functions, no matter what happens with the pandemic or vaccines.
- He's deleting his family from his phone to stay committed to honoring the heroes.
- Tim won't do Zoom calls with family because it's too tempting and might lead him to visit them later.
- He won't send birthday or wedding presents to family members anymore because packages could contain coronavirus.
- Tim describes how much he loves giving gifts and watching people open them, but can't do this for his family now.
- Not sending presents through the mail would be equivalent to spitting in a nurse's face, in his view.
- Even before the pandemic, Tim wasn't sending things through the mail because he knows about virology and how diseases spread.
- 4 min
Only Befriending Ten-Million-Dollar Philanthropists
#Tim declares he'll now only associate with ultra-wealthy philanthropists and stop cooking or cleaning because of "the economy," framing his laziness and greed as a moral stand during the pandemic.
8moments
- Tim has decided to only befriend philanthropists worth at least ten million dollars who give their money to society.
- Being a philanthropist requires an eight-figure bank account, which is why he's choosing his friends based on that criterion.
- He orders food every day instead of cooking because of the corona pandemic and the economy.
- Tim orders unnecessary items like napkins and bottled water to support workers during the pandemic.
- His pandemic strategy is staying home, ordering food, and not spending time with family—different people have different skill sets in fighting the virus.
- He challenges listeners to match his commitment instead of rolling over and cooking like terrorists.
- Tim has never gotten a flu vaccine and has never had the flu, which he doesn't consider peer-reviewed science.
- Some vaccines are good and some are bad, but he doesn't know which ones are which.
- 6 min
There's No Such Thing As Health (Cancer, AIDS, and Bad Diets)
#He launches into an extended riff claiming health, cancer, MS, Parkinson's, and AIDS aren't real, blaming bad attitudes and sugary diets, and mocking Western medicine, pharmacists, and his own childhood junk-food diet.
8moments
- Tim argues there is no such thing as health, using a car accident death as proof.
- Adele's weight changes don't matter; being thin is better but doesn't make you healthy.
- Tim expresses skepticism of Western medicine and doctors, and is drawn to chakras and energy.
- Cancer doesn't exist—it's caused by a bad attitude and negativity, Tim claims.
- Depression and anxiety come from bad diet, sugar, and white bread, not pharmaceutical deficiency.
- Tim's mother took over-the-counter medication constantly, treating plants as personal conspiracies against her.
- Stop taking DayQuil, Robitussin, and bright orange tablets; his grandmother got sick and just had chicken soup.
- Understanding your chakra and spirit guides matters more than cough syrup and mucin-based medicines.
AdeleWorld Health OrganizationWestern medicineLong Island ExpresswayCalifornia
- 2 min
My Spirit Guide Turned Out to Be Racist
#A tangent about acquiring a spirit guide that started spouting antisemitic conspiracy theories, leading into more riffing on chakras, energy healing, and needing a new spiritual guide.
4moments
- Tim's spirit guide turned out to be racist and started citing the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
- Drugstores like CVS and Walgreens in America sell both prescription drugs and frozen pizza, not actual health.
- Skin problems come from eating dairy—the milk of another animal—which causes rosacea and eczema.
- CeraVe and other moisturizers create addiction and just cover the problem rather than addressing the diet causing it.
- 3 min
Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson's, and Leukemia Aren't Real Either
#Continuing the bit, he claims MS is just clumsiness, Parkinson's is attention-seeking, and pharmacists are contemptible pill-slingers, tying it back to his broader "there's no such thing as being unhealthy" thesis.
4moments
- AIDS is not real — Tony Fauci created it with God, Bill Gates, and they patented the vaccine.
- Tim warns the audience that some of what he's saying is incredibly important and some is less so, and most people are too intellectually limited to understand it.
- Multiple sclerosis isn't real — people with it are just clumsy.
- Pharmacists are rude and thoughtless people who think they're doctors but just sling pills at Walmart.
- 4 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Magic Spoon low-sugar cereal, describing the flavors and promo code while joking about fake weight gain and comedy not being "true."
10moments
- Tim on Western medicine and spiritual guides as health solutions.
- Everyone asks for health insurance when what they actually need is a clue.
- Feeding kids garbage cereal every day and wondering why they bring guns to school is the problem.
- Tim claims he could have been a Navy SEAL if his parents had fed him a good diet instead of sugar and fast food.
- Magic Spoon cereal is a keto-friendly, low-sugar alternative that recreates the childhood cereal experience.
- The fruity pebble and blueberry flavors work year-round and fit into a healthy diet.
- Magic Spoon costs more because it uses expensive fruit extracts instead of sugar and processed ingredients.
- Health has become invaluable during unprecedented times, making it worth the premium price.
- Feeding kids Magic Spoon instead of sugar cereal is an amazing alternative for busy parents.
- You cannot put a price on health, similar to the song about not pricing love.
- 5 min
Get a Stunning Estate: Surviving the Vaccine-less Future and Boomer Selfishness
#He argues a coronavirus vaccine probably isn't coming and people should just get a "stunning estate," then pivots into a riff about his aunt's disaster-porn texting and a broader theory that boomers cloak self-interest in performative concern.
9moments
- Tim pitches Magic Spoon cereal as a way to make healthy breakfast effortless on keto and paleo diets.
- He jokes that he's gained 30 pounds using the cereal, then explains that comedy isn't true, it's funny.
- Tim's take on the vaccine: it probably won't happen, and the government will find another way to keep people locked in their houses instead.
- The solution to permanent lockdown is to get a stunning estate, or you're in real trouble.
- His aunt reaches out with COVID disaster porn every day, then quickly pivots to worrying about selling her house.
- Tim analyzes the boomer as a species: in every statement of concern, there's hidden self-interest cloaked beneath the worry.
- Boomers inherited the earth and lit it on fire, now claiming it's just a little bit hot while being personally unaffected by the consequences.
- When a boomer talks about disease, horror, or climate change, you'll quickly see how they're personally impacted—and that's when they stop caring.
- Tim's response to every boomer concern is to say go with God, figure it out—it's not his problem.
Magic Spooncereal
- 6 min
Adele's Weight and the Thin/Fat Body Horror Fantasy
#Tim riffs on Adele's weight loss, wishing for extreme thinness or fatness in celebrities like Adele and Laura Dern to create public unease, referencing Calista Flockhart and Ally McBeal.
10moments
- Tim says Adele is still fat and should get thinner.
- Fat people getting very thin and thin people getting very fat should happen more — it's scary on both ends.
- Tim recalls Calista Flockhart's extreme thinness on Ally McBeal, where her waist was the size of a compact disc.
- The image of extremely thin people: skin translucent, stuffed into their body like a sandwich in a ziploc bag.
- He wants to see a very thin person get extremely fat — specifically Laura Dern.
- Tim describes people becoming so extreme in either direction that bumping into them would cause panic attacks.
- People are going to be mad at this episode because they're stupid and don't understand comedy.
- Live your life without masks or vaccines, let yourself get arrested, buy a gun, stay alert — but don't just cocoon on your couch watching hack doctors on YouTube.
- After quarantine ends, you'll realize you want to be home masturbating instead of hanging out with your friends.
- Get rid of your friend group — once states reopen and you go out with them, you'll want to be home alone.
AdeleLaura DernCalista Flockhart
- 3 min
Everyone's Getting a Chip, So Get Ahead of It
#He tells listeners to embrace masturbation and isolation post-quarantine, jokes about people wanting a tracking chip and putting chips in their genitals, and mocks people's fear of reopening measures.
7moments
- Tim argues people should preemptively chip themselves before authorities force it, and that they'll secretly enjoy showing off the implant.
- He dismisses criticism of his warnings as people expecting him to personally stop a planned pandemic.
- Tim says when quarantine ends, all bets are off and people should choose their future by chipping themselves.
- Comedy clubs will reopen at 75 people capacity spread sparsely across 500-seat rooms, and Tim insists that will somehow work.
- The ideal way to watch comedy is outdoors with masked audiences, temperature checks, and separated seating.
- A waitress in a hazmat suit handing you a brownie sundae represents the best version of a restaurant experience.
- Tim's solution: go to the woods with guns and keep Wi-Fi until society returns to normalcy, because anything else is pointless.
Vermin Supreme
- 3 min
Comedy Clubs Reopening at 25% Capacity Is Pointless
#Tim explains why he refuses to perform to sparse, masked crowds in half-capacity clubs, insists on waiting for full houses, and threatens to only do future shows for "heroes," including dead ones.
8moments
- Tim refuses to perform at 25% capacity comedy clubs, calling half-measures pointless.
- The first people returning to comedy clubs are psychopaths who should be fitted with tracking chips.
- Tim tells people reopening to go somewhere other than comedy clubs to eat frozen chicken fingers.
- Nobody should care when comedy clubs reopen while 20 million people are unemployed.
- Tim commits to performing online or anywhere audiences exist, but specifically in Arizona.
- His future shows will be exclusively for heroes — grocery workers, first responders, nurses, and doctors only.
- Tim clarifies he'll perform only for deceased heroes and will charge premium ticket prices.
- Ticket prices will remain high when he returns and audiences will pay dearly for the entertainment.
- 4 min
Euthanize the Unemployed Instead of Food Banks
#He proposes replacing food banks and unemployment bureaucracy with humane euthanasia for jobless people and their children, escalating into a bit about reviving child labor.
8moments
- Tim on ticket proceeds: all going to him, not to food banks or any charity.
- Why not use PostMates to deliver food for free instead of making people stand in demoralizing food bank lines?
- Tim proposes euthanizing unemployed people humanely instead of making them suffer through joblessness.
- Unemployment is harder than people think—Tim knows this from Facebook comedians complaining about 82-hour phone holds.
- Instead of vaccines, use science to lower the unemployment rate by euthanizing people.
- Whole family units need to go—children, all races represented, none of them have good futures anyway.
- Tim asks why child labor is inherently wrong if the alternative is euthanizing kids sitting around doing nothing.
- Leukemia isn't real; it's just pale kids seeking attention that should be eliminated.
- 2 min
When Is Karaoke Coming Back? (Mocking Nostalgia for Dumb Activities)
#Tim mocks people obsessing over trivial pre-pandemic activities returning, like karaoke and midnight bowling, calling out the friend who won't stop asking when things reopen.
4moments
- Tim questions when karaoke will come back so middle-aged divorcees can drown their sorrows singing Journey in roadside bars.
- Everyone now has a friend asking when something unnecessary is coming back, like midnight bowling with lit-up lanes.
- Tim mocks nostalgia for a diner in New York where rude waitresses tell customers to shut up and he jokes about rooting for the virus.
- He continues the list of activities people are asking about: when laser-tag will come back.
karaokemidnight bowlinglaser-tag
- 3 min
Fostering Cats, Tiger King, and Quarantine Cosplay Fantasies
#He riffs on the pointlessness of fostering pets, cats' contempt for humans, Nicolas Cage's upcoming Tiger King movie, and imagines rich friends' absurd pandemic hobbies like learning Mandarin and baking focaccia.
9moments
- Tim pitches fostering a cat as an activity, noting the absurdity of a cat having zero attachment to its foster.
- Cats are the funniest animal because they hate human beings and are disgusted by them, viewing imprisonment in a home with pure contempt.
- Tim compares watching Tiger King to observing that humans are fundamentally fucked across the board, regardless of size or power.
- Nicolas Cage will star in a new Tiger King movie, but the real Tiger King was a moment that's already passed and won't matter when the film arrives.
- During quarantine, people are discovering things like white chicks that will later define this period—similar to how people retrospectively ask about Mandarin lessons and focaccia bread.
- Wealthy white people in quarantine are pretending to live different lives: learning languages, baking, cashing in on inheritance taxes, hiring financial planners, and renting Airbnbs to escape the nightmare they've created.
- Tim uses Airbnb deals during quarantine to roleplay living another life, but knows he'll have to return to the nightmare he's built for himself.
- At least his nightmare proves entertaining from any view, which is something.
- Tim approaches doing a Zoom call about all this.
Nicolas CageTiger King
- 6 min
Tim reads an ExpressVPN sponsorship extolling privacy and access to foreign Netflix libraries, then gets caught admitting he lied about watching "Spirited Away" and other British shows, riffing on stealing content via VPN.
9moments
- Tim wants to have a breakdown on a Zoom comedy show instead of in person.
- VPNs let you access different regional content like British Netflix.
- Tim admits he lied about watching Spirited Away and made up shows from Japan.
- He apologizes for deceiving the audience with fake show recommendations.
- Tim defends his love of British Netflix and describes actual shows he watches, like ones with pies and drag themes.
- Using a VPN to access entertainment services from around the world is fun because it's stealing.
- The pitch: ExpressVPN.com/Tim Dillon supports both the show and privacy.
- You can use a VPN to watch content from Japan, buy drugs if you want, or watch legal aged porn.
- Final call to use ExpressVPN to watch British Netflix instead of porn.
ExpressVPNBritish NetflixVPN
- 4 min
Monkeys Trained to Kidnap Children for Traffickers
#Tim relays an unverified claim from Ben that human traffickers are training monkeys on motorcycles to kidnap children, riffing on the absurdity and dark humor of the idea.
7moments
- Tim saw a video of a monkey grabbing a girl and dragging her away
- Imagine the trafficker at the meeting pitching the monkey kidnapping idea while everyone stares at him
- Tim compares the monkey trafficking pitch to Wolfgang Puck introducing goat cheese on pizza — initially doubted, then vindicated
- Tim imagines a human trafficker crediting primates as the breakthrough that stopped their arrests
- Tim asks if the next Jeffrey Epstein will be a gorilla and whether animals will start participating in the sex trade
- Tim wonders if the monkeys know what's going on
- They're discussing monkeys kidnapping children for human trafficking on a news show
- 1 min
Do Birds Get Raped? (Monkeys and Frogs)
#A rambling tangent wondering whether birds are ever sexually assaulted by other animals, escalating into a claim about monkeys using frogs "like flashlights."
4moments
- Tim announces he's going to rape a bird after the show, setting up the title question.
- He identifies the bird as a mockingbird and questions what animal would rape one.
- Tim explains his process of turning podcast riffs into stage bits, now without venues to perform them in.
- Monkeys use frogs like flashlights, opening their mouths and masturbating with them.
- 6 min
200th Episode Retrospective and Show History
#Tim and a cohost look back on the show's origins in 2016 New York under Luis Gomez and Ralph Sutton, its growth to 200 episodes, and reflect on how eerily "on schedule" the current dystopian moment feels.
7moments
- The 200th episode of the Tim Dillon Show is coming next week, starting from the original 2016 show 'Tim Dillon Goes to Hell.'
- The show began in June 2016 under Luis Gomez and Ralph Sutton at a New York comedy club, with the current podcast format starting around episode 160 in August.
- Tim reflects on how the show's focus on darker elements of human nature has aligned with the dystopian reality unfolding in the world.
- The state of global chaos feels exactly on schedule, which is less alarming than confusing to Tim because everything is happening predictably.
- Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman, Trump allies and hucksters, tried to trick a woman into claiming Ilhan Omar sexually assaulted her.
- The same names, same hucksters like Candace Owens keep appearing in the news cycle every week with identical controversies.
- The real pandemic isn't disease but boredom with the current climate of manipulation and the same predictable leaders repeating the same circus.
Luis GomezRalph SuttonJacob WohlEllen DeGeneresJack BurkmanAlexandria Ocasio-CortezDonald TrumpNancy Pelosi+1 more
- 2 min
Imagining Johnny Gosch as a Coronavirus Truther Guest
#A bit imagining missing-persons figure Johnny Gosch appearing on the show as a COVID truther fixated on Fauci, riffing on how quickly public figures get branded the Antichrist.
3moments
- Tim imagines Johnny Gosch coming on the show as a guest after 200 episodes.
- Nobody knew who Fauci was three months ago, now he's suddenly the Antichrist.
- Tim argues that not everyone claiming evilness has to be the Antichrist — there's no gradation anymore.
- 3 min
Tim thanks Patreon subscribers, explains the free vs. paid episode structure, tallies up total hours of content, and plugs merch and the YouTube channel.
5moments
- Tim thanks listeners and supporters across free episodes, Patreon, live shows, and merchandise.
- Comedy show's job is to make you laugh and occasionally make you think—this is not medical advice.
- Tim explains where comedy is happening now and notes they won't go legit because they've gone too far down the river.
- 200 fucking hours of talking on the main feed, plus 46 Patreon episodes adds up to roughly 246 hours total.
- Subscribe to the YouTube channel—people can watch or listen, it doesn't matter as long as they're consuming the content.
- 2 min
Strep Throat and Conjunctivitis Aren't Real Either
#Closing riff extending his fake-illness bit to kids faking strep throat and conjunctivitis to skip school, followed by a wish for listeners' health and happiness.
4moments
- Conjunctivitis isn't real—kids use it to get out of school, so parents should just send them back.
- Tim imagines a post-pandemic reunion dinner where everyone casually tells each other they hate each other while eating chicken wings.
- Tim wishes the audience health, happiness, wealth, and a stunning steak before pivoting to criticism.
- Dr. Judy Mikovits from Planned Parenthood has such a ridiculous name that it's hard to take her seriously.
Judy Mick
- 1 min
Sign-Off: Mocking Dr. Mikovits and Fauci's Names
#Tim closes the show by mocking the names of Plandemic's Dr. Judy Mikovits and Anthony Fauci, joking they sound like a comedy duo, before signing off.
2moments
- Tim describes Mikovits and Fauci as a vaudvillian comedy duo he's going to see
- Tim mimics a drunk Mikovits going home and calling Fauci 'Anthony found'