Episode 195 · The Ben Avery Era
#195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show
Apr 12, 2020 · 1:12:33 · 364,000 views · 27 segments, 149 moments indexed
Tim remembers the ultimate drink that would just take him to the moon... He talks Bill Gates, Chris Cuomo, and the whole gang.
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- 4 min
The Cuomo Song and Chris Cuomo's Coronavirus Chest Yoga
#Tim opens with a musical parody of the Cuomo brothers, then mocks Chris Cuomo's viral videos about beating coronavirus with breathing exercises, mocking his scripted delivery and the absurdity of a pulmonologist coaching him.
7moments
- Tim performs a parody of 'That's Amore' rewritten about Andrew and Chris Cuomo during coronavirus lockdown.
- Chris Cuomo recorded himself doing chest yoga exercises to fight coronavirus, claiming a pulmonologist told him to get up and breathe through the virus.
- Tim expresses skepticism of the Cuomo family's credibility while acknowledging the pulmonologist's advice might actually work.
- Cuomo's coronavirus video includes rambling about the virus wanting people to lay down and mysterious talk of 'will' and 'devotion' and 'vibration.'
- Tim questions why Cuomo reads from a script during every public appearance instead of just talking naturally.
- Tim suspects celebrities may be lying about having coronavirus and that their agents are coaching them to post about their 'COVID-19 journey' on Instagram for followers.
- Bob Grant was a legendary conservative radio host known for berating callers like Tony from Seaside Heights as phonies and frauds.
- 3 min
Tribute to Bob Grant, Old-School Radio Legend
#Tim recalls listening to conservative shock jock Bob Grant with his grandmother, including Grant's controversial comment about Ron Brown's death and his catchphrase for callers, tying it to how he became a 'gay Republican.'
9moments
- Bob Grant's signature line: "You fake phony fraud, get off my phone" before kicking callers off the air.
- Bob Grant got kicked off WABC radio after Ron Brown died in a plane crash and Grant said the only good news would be finding out Brown's father also died.
- Tim's grandmother made him listen to Bob Grant and Rush Limbaugh on the drive to dance class and play practice.
- Tim claims that's how gay Republicans come to be: you go to dance class while listening to conservative talk radio.
- Someone on Instagram accused Tim of saying "a wife" instead of "husband" in a sketch and called it messed up.
- Tim explains the sketch depicts him as a demon real estate developer evicting nurses, then notes the critic actually wanted the character to be gay.
- Identity politics on social media rots people's brains, as evidenced by someone criticizing a satire's gender pronoun choices.
- Chris Cuomo doesn't have coronavirus, Tim notes, though the fever "softens" by the way he says it.
- When Cuomo says "the beast" and "his ways," Tim claims he means Jews.
Chris CuomoBob GrantWABCRon BrownRush LimbaughMario Cuomo
- 1 min
The Instagram Sketch Controversy Over 'A Wife'
#Tim recounts an Instagram argument where someone accused his sketch about an evicting real estate developer of homophobia for using the phrase 'a wife,' missing that the character is meant to be a villain.
3moments
- Tim imagines Chris and Andrew Cuomo dipping bread in sauce while discussing who owns the media, claiming he has no proof but that they're Neanderthals.
- He describes chest infiltration from COVID, visible on his x-ray, and reveals a low IgM level that embarrassed his family.
- Tim says he's functionally stupid and has to read from a script because his low IQ makes it impossible to discuss his coronavirus experience like a normal person.
- 3 min
Reading Chris Cuomo's Coronavirus Diary Aloud
#Tim reads and riffs on Chris Cuomo's dramatic on-air account of his coronavirus symptoms and a mysterious pulmonologist's advice, mocking the scripted, self-serious tone and joking Cuomo is 'functionally retarded.'
9moments
- Tim reads Cuomo's diary entry claiming low antibodies and susceptibility to bronchitis, attributing it to genetics or culture.
- Cuomo describes being soaked in sweat Friday night, unable to sleep, scared and considering canceling his show.
- Tim interrupts to ask if Cuomo's network of concerned people might partly exist because his brother is governor and he has a TV show.
- A pulmonary expert calls Cuomo with instructions to get up and stretch his torso.
- Tim jokes about someone pranking Cuomo by pretending to be a doctor giving absurd medical advice.
- The fake doctor tells Cuomo to do the funky chicken dance outside because it opens lung passageways.
- The doctor instructs Cuomo to do the running man because it increases circulation and prevents viral binding to blood cells.
- Tim, as the pulmonologist, asks Cuomo if he can do blackface and explains the virus is racist so blackface will scare it away.
- The doctor tells Cuomo to perform a crude act, which Cuomo resists before being pressured to do it anyway.
- 3 min
The Funky Chicken and Blackface Cure Bit
#Tim imagines a prank call to Chris Cuomo where a fake pulmonologist tells him to do the running man and blackface to scare off the racist virus, playing out an absurd doctor's orders bit.
7moments
- Tim's doctor told him to fight the virus actively, not wait it out—breathe deep when it hurts, layer up, drink fluids.
- Nobody has any clue what's actually going on with the coronavirus, despite all the official guidance.
- Tim catalogs the contradictory claims: soap doesn't work, ventilators make it worse, hand sanitizer might spread it.
- Scare-mongering articles claim the virus travels 13 feet, but nobody knows if those particles are actually infectious.
- On the Diamond Princess cruise ship, only 17 percent contracted the virus—which Tim uses to argue the detected particles were just RNA, not infectious material.
- Tim visited Taco Bell during lockdown and realized the government claiming fast food is safe while saying everything else is dangerous just wants poor people to die.
- Everything poor people do is now considered safe: drive-throughs, sex work on buses, selling items on the street—all supposedly safe from COVID if it means avoiding stimulus spending.
Taco BellDiamond Princess
- 3 min
Nobody Knows Anything About the Virus, and Poor People Are Expendable
#Tim rants that scientists and media have no real answers about coronavirus transmission and safety, and that essential/low-wage work like delivery, sex work, and factory jobs are deemed 'safe' because society doesn't care if poor people die.
8moments
- Tim argues that taking away sports justifies giving poor people access to guns in the streets.
- The government is deliberately letting poor people die and doesn't care.
- Postmates delivery carries the same COVID risk as going outside; nobody knows anything about transmission.
- Tim plans to get an antibody test to confirm he had COVID, convinced everyone claiming illness in December actually didn't.
- People who got sick in December had a regular illness, not coronavirus.
- Tim believes he caught the virus in Vancouver in early March because of the large Asian population there.
- Antibody tests will show nobody actually had coronavirus, leading people to claim the tests are fake.
- People claim they definitely had COVID based on symptoms like stomach pain and stubbed toes, which have nothing to do with the virus.
- 3 min
A Ridge Wallet sponsor read spirals into an escalating bit where Tim claims he'd get AIDS, betray his country with nuclear secrets, and murder loved ones just to own a Ridge wallet.
4moments
- Ridge wallet is the best wallet because it's metal—titanium, carbon fiber, and aluminum—and you can easily sanitize it with hand sanitizer, unlike big leather wallets.
- Tim describes the perfect Ridge wallet setup: a hundred-dollar bill for cocaine with your lawyers, credit card, debit card, and a picture of someone you're planning to do something bad with.
- Tim claims he would kill his family and commit any crime necessary to get a Ridge wallet if he didn't already have one.
- He'd cut his best friend's throat and break any oath to obtain a Ridge wallet, and would sell nuclear secrets to China for one.
- 1 min
Red Robin Will Survive the Apocalypse
#A short riff imagining Red Robin as one of the only restaurants to survive the pandemic because desperate, sickly people will still go there.
1moment
- Red Robin will be one of the few restaurants to survive the apocalypse because its customers don't care about quality.
- 1 min
Tim continues pushing the Ridge wallet, mocking his co-host Ben for not being willing to 'commit' to the bit, and jabbing that Ben's girlfriend listens to Tom Segura instead.
3moments
- Tim says he'd rather have AIDS than be without a Ridge wallet, offering to let them blind him with a needle in his eyeball.
- Tim asks Ben if he'd kill his fiancée for a Ridge wallet.
- Ben refuses to strangle his fiancée for a wallet, citing that it's just a wallet.
- 6 min
The Perfect Martini and Throwing His Life Away for Gin
#Tim delivers a detailed treatise on making the perfect gin martini (stirred, no olives, extra dry vermouth) while reflecting mournfully on his years of alcoholism and how the pursuit of the drink defined and ruined parts of his life.
9moments
- Tim's history with Beefeater gin and breathing in hand sanitizer because it smells like his former drink of choice.
- Tim threw his life away for this cocktail—no meaningful relationships, few friends, living as a shell in a Hollywood apartment studio.
- He's a vector of negative energy destined to either use heroin or tell jokes, built for nothing else.
- Tim lists his regrets: should have come out earlier, gone to college differently, didn't scam himself like subprime mortgage salesmen did.
- Glad he was an alcoholic rather than chasing family and accomplishments, since kids disappoint you and spouses don't care anyway.
- Nobody cares about anyone—not comedians from New York's alt scene, not David Dobrik, and your kids will only care about whatever makes sounds next.
- Gin drinkers like to know what they're up against; vodka goes down too easy, but Beefeater has the punch Tim prefers.
- Martinis take you to the moon, and the joke about them being like breasts: one isn't enough, two is alright, three is too many, four is a party.
- Getting fucked up on martinis leads to real hangovers that require Percocet, Vicodin, Starbucks lattes, and cigarettes the next morning.
BeefeaterBombay SapphireDavid DobrikJames Bond
- 1 min
Cigarette Brands and Wanting a Real Tobacco Documentary
#Tim recalls smoking various cigarette brands as a teenager and says he wants an honest documentary about the tobacco industry rather than moralizing ones, comparing it to Scientology defectors in 'Leah Remini' who only turned once it was profitable.
3moments
- Tim smoked unfiltered Basic cigarettes at 13 with his friend Shay, buying different brands like Benson & Hedges and L&M.
- He wants a real documentary about cigarettes focused on the tradition and history of tobacco companies, not a moralistic one about how harmful they are.
- Tim says he'll die because of cigarettes and wants to actually know about the industry rather than watch propaganda.
ScientologyDavid MiscavigeLeah ReminiBenson & HedgesL&M
- 5 min
Getting Kicked Out of Churchill's for Defending the Iraq War
#Tim continues his drinking-life reminiscence with his boss's 'olives are for women' rule, then tells a story of getting thrown out of a bar for drunkenly yelling about supporting troops in Iraq, and reflects on how sobriety changed his politics.
7moments
- Tim's former boss told him olives are for women.
- Martinis are for people who need to get fucked up by the appetizer.
- It's classy to throw your life away drinking martinis, whiskey, and bourbon — not beer.
- Tim quit all other drugs and graduated to booze, spending Sundays getting drunk in his car.
- Tim was kicked out of Churchill's twice, once for drunk ranting at 11 a.m. about supporting the Iraq War and sending more troops.
- He believed in the Bush administration at the time, then stopped drinking and doing cocaine and gained perspective.
- While coked up on Long Island, Tim would drive wealthy neighborhoods with friends, screaming that rich people deserved their money more than anyone.
- 2 min
Coked-Out Joyrides Through Wealthy Long Island Neighborhoods
#Tim describes driving around rich neighborhoods high on cocaine, screaming that wealthy homeowners 'deserve' their money, and reflects on the value of live, unedited moments versus today's culture of editing everything.
5moments
- Tim stood outside his car screaming and smoking cigarettes, admitting he completely destroyed his life.
- He should have vlogged instead—everything he liked about the world is live, unedited: stand-up, music, theater, real things where something can actually go wrong.
- We're living in a time of editing now, but Tim was always drawn to live, unedited performances—raw and immediate, impossible to duplicate or show a friend later.
- That's why he likes restaurants and comedy shows: they're one-and-done experiences, never the same twice, with magic that may or may not appear.
- Everyone will eventually release only the edited best versions of themselves, and Tim is depressed about how tough it's going to be for live performance.
- 8 min
A sponsor read for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation drifts into a long rant about vaccine suspicion, government surveillance, TikTok panic, and how ordinary people never cared about privacy until now.
10moments
- Tim reads the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation ad while sarcastically describing the foundation as sticking needles in third-world children to see how they react.
- He defends the Gates' vaccine work as heroic while acknowledging they seem weird, though he admits to not researching vaccination companies or knowing much about the Gates.
- Everyone obsesses over surveillance concerns now, but Tim points out nobody cared when the government was surveilling people years ago during the post-9/11 era under Bush and Obama.
- If you ever pose a serious threat to the government, they will vaporize you—your car goes into a tree, they leak your information, they audit you, they break your spirit or your head.
- The real problem isn't some grand conspiracy: they just want you to work, earn money, deny you healthcare, prevent you from challenging them through gerrymandering and voter suppression.
- Most surveillance is about selling you more stuff—they want to market pizza down your throat, not because they're evil lizards but because they're the same species and simply don't care about you.
- Tim dismisses the microchip panic: they don't need to chip you because they're already controlling you through work, debt, and the threat of firing you if you try to unionize or take sick leave.
- It's not Satan or ancient religious warfare—the ultimate black pill is that all the blackmail, murder, and nightmares exist just to protect trade routes and make billionaires into trillionaires.
- At least if they were aliens or lizards you could understand the indifference; the scarier truth is they're the same species with the same blood and don't give a damn about you anyway.
- Skull and Bones members and other elites engage in morbid, cultish behavior, but it's grounded in protecting wealth and power rather than supernatural evil.
Bill and Melinda Gates FoundationBill and Melinda GatesDavid HoggMichael HastingsOsama bin Ladensurveillance
- 3 min
It's All About Trade Routes and Money, Not Satan
#Tim argues that conspiracies and secret societies are ultimately driven by protecting money and trade routes rather than occult religious motives, name-checking Michael Hastings, the Finders, and Nick Bryant's Patreon episode.
5moments
- Money and the ability to earn it without interference drive secret groups, not Satan or hidden agendas.
- Observation that school shootings and random violence have stopped entirely during COVID, which prompts speculation about whether they were actually random.
- Tim warns viewers this is a conservative episode and acknowledges a caller about deep conspiracies involving figures like Nick Bryant and the Finders.
- The FBI's credibility is shot; they've lied about cases like the Finders and murdered people, so starting a sentence with "the FBI said" destroys your argument.
- Tim refuses to claim Tom Hanks or other celebrities are running global operations—he doesn't go to their parties and doesn't know what they're into.
FBIHarvey WeinsteinNick BryantDonald TrumpTom HanksFindersJFK Jr.Boston Marathon bombing
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Omax Health's Cryofreeze CBD pain relief roll-on, describing his own use for lower back pain and comparing it favorably to products like Icy Hot and Salonpas.
4moments
- Tim describes pain as both internal and external, noting listeners probably have some type preventing them from relaxing and sleeping.
- He mentions getting lower back pain himself as a podcast host.
- Tim has tried Cryofreeze CBD roll-on and likes it, describing it as a better version of products like Icy Hot or Salonpas.
- Code Tim at Omaxhealth.com gets listeners 20% off Cryofreeze and site-wide products, supporting the show while relieving pain.
Omak south
- 2 min
Wanting Alex Jones and Roseanne on the Show
#Tim says he wants controversial guests like Alex Jones, Roseanne, and Chris Hedges on the podcast regardless of listener disapproval, criticizing fans who can't handle hearing from people they disagree with.
1moment
- Tim pitches having Alex Jones on the show to discuss current events
Alex JonesKyle Stanley
- 2 min
Tim reacts to news headlines about companies planning to reopen, nursing home death cover-ups, and Beverly Hills' new face mask mandate, joking about starting a bedazzled mask business.
7moments
- Tim wants to have Roseanne and Chris Hedges on the show regardless of listener approval.
- His biggest disappointment: listeners who can't handle conversations with people they disagree with.
- Quarantines will end and companies are figuring out how to get people back to work.
- Nursing home deaths are being covered up and testing is botched, deaths unrelated to coronavirus just people being bludgeoned.
- Tim predicts America will start burning down nursing homes.
- Tim wishes he could start a business making bedazzled masks and make millions.
- Beverly Hills mayor Lester Friedman—same name as a pimp and casino, and Sharon Stone's boyfriend.
Chris HedgesRoseanneBeverly HillsLester Friedman
- 1 min
Lester 'Diamond' the Beverly Hills Mayor
#Tim riffs on Beverly Hills Mayor's name sounding like a mobster ('Lester Diamond'), joking about fines for not wearing masks and general confusion over enforcement.
4moments
- Lester Diamond is the mayor of Beverly Hills and says you need a mask to walk around
- Tim questions what actually happens if you don't wear a mask—whether it's a law or just a rule
- The scientific community doesn't know anything and keeps feeding the media information that scares people
- Media hysteria has gotten out of control—claiming the coronavirus lives in your ass and will attack you at night
Lester Diamondscientific community
- 1 min
Tim complains about media scientists constantly changing and exaggerating coronavirus claims, then points to Italy's food shortages and unrest as a warning for America's future.
3moments
- Tim recalls Italy singing to each other on balconies at the start of lockdown, now they're stealing food out of desperation.
- Economic collapse will kill vulnerable people faster than the virus if lockdowns continue without a reopening strategy.
- Tim argues reopening requires testing and mitigation plans or the situation will spiral out of control very quickly.
- 2 min
Tim discusses news that companies like Chrysler and Tesla plan to resume production in May, arguing the real bottleneck to reopening is childcare since parents can't work without schools open.
5moments
- Schools reopening is the prerequisite for the economy to reopen, because parents need childcare before they can return to work.
- Chrysler and Tesla plan to restart production on May 4th, taking precautions as they bring factories back online.
- Demand will snap back immediately in dentistry, haircuts, healthcare, and barbershops due to backlogs, but restaurants and bars will see gradual recovery.
- Big purchases like cars and homes won't return immediately; people will avoid large financial commitments if possible.
- Companies like Goldman Sachs don't care if people die and are rushing employees back regardless of safety concerns.
- 1 min
Kids Are Little Demons on the Dark Web During Lockdown
#A short riff imagining kids stuck at home secretly navigating the dark web and stealing parents' drugs and guns while waiting for school to reopen.
3moments
- Kids stuck at home during lockdown are stealing their parents' heroin and bullets.
- Governors in the middle of the country will start letting people out, which Tim predicts could be a bloodbath.
- Tim identifies Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves as his favorite and calls him a character.
- 3 min
Tate Reeves and the Deranged Sign Language Interpreters
#Tim praises Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves as a character, then goes on an extended rant about sign language interpreters at press conferences being distractingly theatrical and 'losing their minds' with exaggerated gestures.
7moments
- Mississippi is one of the fattest states in the country.
- Tim questions when sign language interpreters started losing their minds and becoming too distracting.
- Sign language interpreters look like they're auditioning for a theater production, dancing in the corner while he's trying to listen.
- Tim wonders how many deaf people are actually in the audience to justify these elaborate performances.
- Sign language people who have lost their minds are preventing viewers from getting information because everyone's distracted watching them.
- Every sign language interpreter—whether for de Blasio or other officials—is signing so big it's completely out of control and throws off your eyes.
- Tim doesn't know if Trump had one of these interpreters, but the problem clearly extends across all political events.
sign language interpretersMarlee MatlinMississippide Blasio
- 3 min
Tim plays and reacts to Tate Reeves' address about church gatherings and religious liberty during lockdown, then pivots into detailed opinions on the correct Easter menu (ham, lamb, au gratin potatoes, no pasta or fish).
4moments
- Tim critiques the sign language interpreter at Reeves' press conference, noting he looks homeless and has a weird black shirt like Ray Combs or a lounge singer.
- Tim agrees with Reeves' church position but admits he thinks no gatherings should exceed 10 people, including services.
- Tim jokes that Tate Reeves hit someone with his car years ago and hired them as a sign language guy.
- Easter as a holiday kind of sucked and always has.
- 4 min
Quarantine Nihilism: Betray Everyone, Steal, and Survive
#Tim delivers a dark, extended riff urging listeners to abandon friends and family, embrace theft and crime, and reject entrepreneurship gurus like Gary V in favor of ruthless self-preservation, comparing it to 'The Talented Mr. Ripley.'
9moments
- Easter meal advice: roast meat, au gratin potatoes, spring pastries and glazed fruit instead of chocolate.
- Tim on quarantine revealing the truth: money is the only thing that matters, love and family are obstacles.
- You should betray everyone close to you—family, friends, partners—by whatever means necessary within 24 months.
- Whether Tim's suggestions about pushing people in front of trains are metaphorical or literal is up to the listener to decide.
- Ignore entrepreneurship gurus like Gary Vee and instead get a simple job where you can steal.
- Small crimes are essential survival skills; start with ketchup, escalate to someone's pension.
- Tim would rather have murdered someone and assumed their identity, as in Talented Mr. Ripley, than pursued comedy.
- To succeed in America you need to become comfortable with death, murder, extortion, blackmail, violence, corruption, and betrayal.
- Imagine a priest delivering this as an Easter sermon to the congregation.
- 3 min
Imagining an Easter Sermon About Power and Leverage
#Tim imagines a preacher delivering his cynical philosophy of secrets, pressure, and leverage as an Easter sermon, then closes with a bleak prediction about the collapse of shared objective truth in America's future.
11moments
- A priest's Easter sermon on applying pressure to the right people and understanding that secrets are power and leverage.
- Tim clarifies the boundary between joke and reality, saying it's the listener's job to figure out what's serious.
- Quarantine has made him reflect on how blessed we are before the world descends into chaos and violence.
- In five years, the concept of truth will become laughable as the country descends into collective madness.
- The future is permanent schizophrenia caused by media, technology, and narcissistic personalities injecting opinions into everything.
- Soon people won't be able to distinguish between real news and fake news without laughing maniacally like the Joker.
- Society will splinter into fragmented realities, with some people in one and others in another, many straddling both.
- People are losing interest in realities that don't conform to their own thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.
- Each person's reality will come pre-packaged with its own media, figures, gods, mythology—sold as a complete system.
- There will be no compromise, no truth, no objectivity left, only the darkness people will live in until death.
- Another fun Easter tradition, according to Tim, is quiche.
- 1 min
One More Easter Recipe: Quiche Lorraine
#A brief closing addition to his Easter menu suggestions, recommending quiche as a fun appetizer option.
1moment
- Tim suggests quiche Lorraine or ham and cheese quiche as Easter options, recommending vegetable variations as fun appetizers for the holiday.