Episode 175 · The Porch Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#175 - Corporate Steakhouse | The Tim Dillon Show
Nov 24, 2019 · 1:27:18 · 249,000 views · 15 segments, 133 moments indexed
Audio only this week. Listed all the old video podcasts with certain sponsors private.
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- 1 min
Timmy the Trashcan / Cold Open
#A jingle-style bit voiced as a talking trashcan named Timmy who begs people to throw their trash into him instead of the floor.
2moments
- Tim introduces himself as Timmy the Trashcan
- Asks people to throw their trash in him instead of on the floor
- 1 min
LAX Uber/Lyft Ban and Airport Design
#Tim recounts being picked up by his producer Ben after LAX banned rideshare pickups, blaming poor airport design and traffic bottlenecking.
2moments
- Tim just returned from LAX, where Uber and Lyft have been banned because the airport blames them for traffic problems caused by LAX's own poor design and lack of traffic flow planning
- LAX suffers from endless bottlenecking due to its flawed design, which Tim describes as insane
- 6 min
Chick-fil-A Ends Anti-LGBT Donations
#Tim breaks down the outrage over Chick-fil-A cutting ties with anti-LGBT charities, mocking Ben Shapiro and especially Dave Rubin for tweeting he'll cook chicken at home, and argues boycotts never work because Americans are addicted to fast food.
8moments
- Chick-fil-A ends donations to groups labeled anti-LGBT, sparking reactions from Ben Shapiro and Dave Rubin.
- Tim imagines Dave Rubin claiming cancel culture won even if Saudi Arabia stopped crucifying gay kids.
- Conversion therapy camps are where the line gets stickier for Tim, though hunger would ultimately decide his order.
- Boycotts don't work in America because morbid obesity is the real religion.
- American cuisine is something deep-fried, mass-produced, poisoned, wrapped in paper, and handed through a window.
- No such thing as a Christian corporation exists—Jesus never talked about maximizing shareholder profit.
- The Gillette ad didn't tank the company; razors cost $38 and nobody can afford them.
- Most people don't have the luxury of participating in moral crusades—they buy what's cheap and available.
- 4 min
Points Everyone Has (Even Terrorists) and Antifa vs. Authoritarians
#Tim riffs on how even terrible people like Mohammed Atta or antifa have 'points,' segues into cops brutalizing a disabled man, and returns to mocking Dave Rubin's stand-up career and lobotomized delivery opening for Jordan Peterson.
7moments
- Americans are fat slobs who subconsciously want to die because humanity is a disease polluting the planet.
- Chick-fil-A's core constituency is fat people, so losing religious conservatives won't hurt their chicken sandwich sales.
- Tim hopes Dave Rubin's husband is stealing money from him every day.
- Jordan Peterson is currently strapped to something in a youth hostel but will make a comeback.
- Dave Rubin is a stand-up comic in the same way Tim is a triathlete—barely qualified.
- When Rubin opens for Peterson, the crowd nervously laughs at his non-punchlines as if he's had a lobotomy.
- People who become mouthpieces for ideology are mentally deficient and it doesn't matter what they believe.
- 6 min
Dave Rubin's Chicken Sandwich Tweet, Dissected
#Tim reads Rubin's actual tweet about not eating 'sad dry pathetic Burger King chicken sandwiches' anymore, mocks his marriage, and pivots into a bit about Uber boycotts after Trump's election and drunk driving alternatives.
10moments
- Tim argues that thinking you're funny but not being funny is more offensive than being a Nazi or communist.
- Everyone has points, even Muhammad Atta—Tim imagines a plane passenger acknowledging Atta's critiques of US foreign policy before being incinerated.
- People with horrific beliefs still occasionally have valid points, like opposing post-birth abortion.
- A lot of Americans are comfortable with fascism and would vote it in tomorrow; Tim points to Buffalo Wild Wings as evidence.
- Tim references a video of cops slamming a man with no arms or legs, which people defend.
- Dave Rubin tweets that Chick-fil-A's decision makes no sense because it caved to progressive cancel culture.
- Tim calls Dave Rubin a bland, basic person whose show consists of asking guests if the progressive left is regressive.
- Rubin responds to Ben Shapiro by vowing to cook chicken sandwiches at home instead of eating at Burger King.
- Tim mocks Rubin for being an adult announcing he'll start cooking at home while his husband is unfaithful.
- Boycotts don't work; after Trump's election, people tried boycotting Uber before realizing the alternative required supporting slave owners.
Dave RubinMuhammad AttaBen ShapiroCharlie KirkJordan PetersonBurger King
- 5 min
Fat Christians, Corporate Morality, and Why Boycotts Are a Joke
#Tim mocks people publicly announcing chicken sandwich boycotts, argues expecting corporations to reflect biblical or any personal morality is naive, and says people should just not eat somewhere quietly if they disagree with it.
10moments
- Tim's hypothetical about drunk driving vs. taking Uber when the CEO is part of Trump's Economic Council.
- Fat Christians threatening to boycott Chick-fil-A is ridiculous—they're admitting they eat there constantly.
- Tim mocks people publicly announcing their emotional investment in a fast-food company's morality.
- Tweets from people declaring they've spent their lives eating Chick-fil-A, now boycotting it.
- Expecting morality from a corporation that fires people after Christmas to avoid holiday pay.
- The outdated idea that a conglomerate should reflect your religious values.
- Religious arguments for morality have secular equivalents—don't murder, don't steal, don't covet.
- You can't hold up the Bible and demand your chicken sandwich shop operates by biblical principles.
- If the chicken sandwich shop wants to support Bible-based policies, you just don't eat there—it's simple.
- Tim's bottom line: if you don't like what a company does, don't support it and move on.
- 7 min
A sprawling Ridge Wallet read where Tim tells a story about his father losing a fat, disorganized wallet in NYC, uses it as a metaphor for his own dysfunctional upbringing, and pivots into a bit about needing a sleek wallet to compete with China.
7moments
- Tim's father lost his wallet on a payphone in New York City and a sea of people stole it in seconds.
- His father's wallet was a big bulbous mess stuffed with business cards, receipts, and gum wrappers—a metaphor for his entire life.
- Tim says his father didn't treat his wife and kids as a project to improve, leading to his mother going insane and Tim becoming a gay cocaine addict.
- A sleek Ridge wallet with only essential cards represents the discipline and streamlining his father never had.
- Tim warns that the Chinese are trying to beat America and listeners need to fight back through self-improvement.
- The Ridge wallet is a way to start eliminating friends and family members who aren't essential.
- Replace maybes and some days with the certainty of carrying only essential cards and beating the Chinese for your children's future.
- 10 min
QAnon, End-Times Christianity, and Kanye/Joel Osteen
#Tim connects rising religious end-times fervor and QAnon belief to secularism's failure to fill spiritual voids, jokingly demands Chick-fil-A commit to QAnon and biblical law fully, then pivots into concerns about Kanye West's religious turn next to prosperity preacher Joel Osteen and defends the Long Island Medium for openly fleecing grieving people.
15moments
- Tim describes the fusion of QAnon with end-times Christianity, where believers think Trump is appointed by God to fight a cosmic battle.
- Humanity is the only species that has done more than any other to bring about its own extinction, and he suspects we know we're the problem.
- Tim mocks the idea that the rapture involves Trump riding in on a white horse and questions how far believers want to take their ideology.
- He sarcastically demands that Chick-fil-A publicly acknowledge QAnon if it's going to take biblical stances on anything.
- Tim suggests that if fast-food chains really want to fight biblical battles, they should follow all the rules in Leviticus, not just the ones they pick.
- He addresses QAnon believers who message him upset, saying he doesn't care what they think and will keep his own rational perspective.
- Both the secular woke left and the right-wing have become equally annoying and extreme in their respective belief systems.
- Performing stand-up reveals that America is a country of children who react viscerally to trigger words like Trump regardless of the actual joke.
- Tim respects Kanye West's interest in religion but worries about his partnership with Joel Osteen, a megachurch pastor worth millions.
- Society cannot be forced to choose between hollow consumerism and dangerous religious or political extremism; there must be a middle ground.
- Christianity has historically been an effective tool for fleecing people out of money, from priests abusing children to charlatans promising heaven for donations.
- The pairing of Kanye with Joel Osteen signals potential danger—either celebrities will exploit the religious market or the movement could take an unexpected turn.
- Joel Osteen refused to open his church to flood victims, yet Tim respects the audacity of his hustle the way he respects the Long Island Medium preying on grieving parents.
- People who pay for fake psychics and prosperity gospel deserve what they get; his grandmother taught him that gullible people bear responsibility for their own exploitation.
- Tim's final take: if you want to give your money to these figures, go ahead—it's not a big deal to him.
Joel OsteenKanye WestTheresa CaputoQDonald TrumpChick-fil-AWendy'sAlexandria Ocasio-Cortez
- 8 min
A doom-laden ad read for tactical backpacks marketed toward apocalyptic collapse, riot skirmishes, and Epstein-style cells, which Tim finds hilariously on-the-nose for his audience.
11moments
- Tim notes the doomsday backpack ad fits perfectly with his show's apocalyptic vibe.
- Coming chaos won't be ideological but marauding bands of separated, ultra-violent people fighting over water and basic resources.
- Political solutions don't work; technology will exacerbate as many problems as it fixes with climate crises, civil unrest, pandemics, and food shortages converging.
- Tim mocks the ad's Epstein cell durability joke as being lifted directly from podcast audience humor.
- Can-I's marketing clearly targets listeners who might need supplies for melee situations and journeys to Nancy Pelosi's house.
- Preppers will eventually be called people that woke up first as conditions deteriorate.
- Luxury doomsday underground apartments for millions fascinate Tim as a peculiar intersection of wealth and apocalyptic paranoia.
- Tim questions whether he wrote the ad himself, noting lines about this being the last backpack you'll ever buy and bombs destroying everything else.
- The ad feels like a troll job lifting his own punchlines and converting them into backpack copy.
- If listeners need a backpack and like the show, Can-I is a durable way to support while reaching college, high school, and older audiences.
- The backpack makes a nice accessory for the way to a riot as society continues deteriorating.
Can I ProGearNancy Pelosi
- 7 min
Long Island Nail Salon Show and Gender Fluidity
#Tim describes the reality show 'Salon Marton' about a Long Island nail family, riffing on a customer's musical fingernail, and jokes that masculine-presenting Long Island Italian women make him reconsider gender as a spectrum.
12moments
- Tim recommends watching 'Pile Unpolished,' a Long Island nail salon show about the Martin family.
- Long Island Italian women display masculine energy that makes Tim more open to gender fluidity arguments.
- A woman comes to the salon needing nails that 'play music' to stand out at a singing conference instead of relying on talent.
- The salon turns her fingernail into a boombox that plays her horrific song when she taps it.
- The show fascinates Tim as a window into Long Island culture, featuring characters reminiscent of Tony Soprano.
- Tim argues that transgender discussions ignore Long Island Italian women, who seem to exist on a gender spectrum.
- One salon owner describes getting a gastric sleeve after years of being heavy and isolated in her room learning nails.
- Nobody would be shocked if Long Island Italian women had male anatomy based on their appearance and energy.
- Certain Irish women become masculine-looking as they age, similar to how Long Island Italian women peak in masculine energy in their 20s and 30s.
- After watching Salon Marton, Tim wonders if radical gender theorists might be right about gender being a construct.
- Tim respects these Long Island women despite their masculine 'I don't give a fuck' dude energy, acknowledging something interesting about gender fluidity.
- Tim concludes there may be something to gender fluidity based on what he witnessed on the show, though he remains uncertain.
Long IslandPile UnpolishedSalon Marton
- 10 min
Long Island Deli Sandwiches vs. Chick-fil-A
#Tim contrasts Chick-fil-A with legendary Long Island deli sandwiches from his childhood, listing elaborate heroes and cutlets, arguing nobody should be losing their minds over fast food when real sandwiches exist.
18moments
- Long Island delis have had better sandwiches than Chick-fil-A for decades, so getting upset about a fast-food sandwich is crazy.
- Tim catalogs legendary Long Island deli sandwiches: chicken club, meatball parmesan, fried eggplant, bacon egg and cheese on garlic hero.
- Go to Long Island and live there for the serious sandwiches—rare roast beef with mozzarella, meatloaf with vodka sauce, buffalo chicken with blue cheese.
- Chick-fil-A is good but mass-produced and not life-changing; Tim knows what life-changing food is from a corporate steakhouse.
- Tim loves corporate steakhouses for the specific atmosphere: real estate scams, tan couples fresh from unfulfilled vacations, shellfish towers, and bosses impressing new hires.
- He wants maitre d's grabbing you by the arm, collared shirts, aged ribeyes, Wagyu, and the knowledge that demons from hell are dressed to the nines eating the same thing everywhere.
- Tim names his favorite chains: Frisco, Smith and Wollensky, Pappas, Ocean Prime, Capital Grille—he wants consistency and menu design in a boardroom by suits.
- The only argument Tim makes is about an appetizer off his tab that wasn't what he expected, but corporate soulless steakhouses are his favorite type of restaurant.
- People need to acquire dumb things or they fall into spiritual genocide; Alan Stillman and others knew that corporate steakhouses feed this human need.
- Tim tells his woman they're going to a corporate steakhouse where he and his almost-dead father have been going for ten years, making memories through petite filet and Chardonnay.
- Father and son fill themselves with fat, salt, and sugar at a corporate steakhouse, tossing and turning sick that night while their digestion profits the corporation.
- He will never love any restaurant as much as a corporate steakhouse for its role in serving dying maitre d's, lonely boozing people, and providing accountability through hierarchy.
- The bartender saying thanks for coming Tim keeps him from blowing his brains out because it's a corporate steakhouse where things matter and are done the same way.
- Magic is over in this country; as a brand becomes sustainable, it can't take risks, but it can deliver consistent quality.
- Stop reading reviews about inspiring chef origin stories—go to corporate steakhouses, sit in a dark corner, and eat what you know you'll like.
- High-end dining died in the 90s after 9/11; people stopped going to French restaurants for three-hour tasting menus and now get jelly cubes and sea urchin foam instead.
- Tim will take a corporate steakhouse with a hot loaf of bread that's probably from someone else's table over pretentious high-end dining.
- He has given up on truly exceptional dining, accepting the decline.
corporate steakhouseLong IslandRuth's ChrisChick-fil-AMorton'sMastro'sCapital GrilleAlan Stillman+6 more
- 10 min
In Defense of the Corporate Steakhouse
#An extended rant glorifying chain steakhouses (Smith & Wollensky, Capital Grille, etc.) as soulless but comforting temples of consumerism, contrasting them with pretentious fine dining, and ending with an anecdote about a Malibu restaurant with a great view and a disturbing bathroom.
12moments
- The corporate chain steakhouse is all that's left after chefs became commodities and fine dining died.
- He wants a meal so absurd he has to explain it to others—tartare, shellfish platters, creamed spinach, au gratin potatoes all on one plate.
- The dish shouldn't even make sense; it should be something he has to justify to anyone watching him eat it.
- Fusion cuisine and young chefs with dreams are over; fusion took French techniques and Asian flavors and nobody can do that anymore.
- Don't let perfect be the enemy of good—skip the trendy restaurants and don't go looking for a view.
- Tim went to a Malibu restaurant with amazing views but terrible food, and the bathroom had naked children for reasons nobody explained.
- The ideal steakhouse should be a dark corner with wine barrels, brick walls, dark carpets, and leather placemats.
- Even if you're broke and wondering if your debit card will work, a corporate steakhouse makes you feel special for that moment.
- It's nice to avoid experimental chefs and just eat a creamy lobster bisque without suffering through some chef's failed next big thing.
- Dallas resonated with him because it was chain steakhouse after chain steakhouse where real estate guys and prostitutes operated.
- Corporate steakhouses are proven, and when your body goes to hell and you can't dance in clubs anymore, you need a dark serene place to fill yourself with bisque.
- He'd open a small six-table restaurant styled as a corporate steakhouse with one chandelier and a spiral staircase to nowhere.
corporate steakhousesChick-fil-ADallasMalibu
- 3 min
YouTube Pulls the Brendan Schaub Episode
#Tim addresses the universally well-received Brendan Schaub episode getting pulled by YouTube for allegedly selling unregulated goods like CBD or Blue Chew, noting it seems like selective enforcement.
4moments
- YouTube removed the Brendan Schaub episode, citing unregulated product sales—possibly CBD—rather than content violations.
- Tim describes the Schaub episode as having 100% positive comments, which he notes is extremely rare for his work.
- The YouTube email flagged the video for harmful and dangerous content due to selling regulated goods without prescription.
- Tim suspects selective enforcement of policy, since everyone sells products but only this episode got flagged.
- 9 min
Platform Censorship and Why Videos Are Leaving Instagram
#Tim explains why he's pulling back on posting videos to Instagram due to shadowbanning and strikes, praises Twitter as more lenient, and jokes darkly about self-censoring a Hitler joke knowing transcripts will be read back out of context.
11moments
- Tim explains he's waiting to see how technology platforms unfold rather than being hysterical about the direction they're taking.
- He's stopped posting videos on Instagram because the platform isn't promoting them and he risks losing his account for content that performs better on Twitter anyway.
- Twitter appears to be the most lenient platform for comedy videos, hosting porn while Instagram and YouTube are stricter.
- Instagram video views have plummeted while his podcast listenership quadrupled and followers increased across all platforms, suggesting algorithmic suppression or reduced discoverability.
- He's being cautious with Instagram because they already have strikes against them, so only completely safe videos go there while edgier content goes to Twitter and YouTube.
- Any creative person has to be careful right now because careers are built on these platforms and losing access means losing fans and ticket sales.
- The YouTube channel is growing with videos getting tens of thousands of views, building momentum in its infancy.
- These companies treat creators like militia leaders, which is strange given how much content they host and how poorly trained some of their complaint reviewers are.
- He never cared about how decisions get made at Twitter until now, when those decisions started affecting him directly.
- He's self-censoring now—even a joke setup he considered using is too risky because transcripts will be read back without inflection or context, turning humor into apparent statements.
- A dry bureaucrat reading a podcast transcript out loud without humor will sound sinister, like a scene from Terry Gilliam's Brazil with its bloated government and countless regulations.
- 3 min
Thanksgiving Sign-Off: Johnny Gosch, Paul Bonacci, and T-Mobile Complaints
#Tim wishes listeners a happy Thanksgiving, tells them to go see the family who failed them, and closes with a dark riff about kidnapping victims Johnny Gosch and Paul Bonacci, noting that no matter what happens to you in America you end up complaining about your cell carrier on Facebook.
4moments
- Go back to see the people that ruined your life—they poisoned you, didn't teach you money management, pushed you toward mediocre schools, left you emotionally unprepared.
- You're lucky no matter what, even if your parents beat you with lit cigarettes—somewhere Johnny Gosch is sitting there understanding that luck.
- Paul Bonacci, a guy tortured and sexually molested throughout his childhood, was recently on Facebook complaining about T-Mobile cell service.
- No matter what happens to anyone in this country, they end up on Facebook yelling about their cellphone carrier—that's the true sign of a healthy and vital nation.