Episode 172 · The Porch Era
#172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show
Nov 3, 2019 · 1:38:46 · 224,000 views · 42 segments, 203 moments indexed
We weren't allowed to film at the hotel after shooting the Epstein Temple video.
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- 1 min
Timmy the Trashcan PSA
#A brief in-character bit as "Timmy the Trashcan" asking listeners to throw their trash in him instead of on the floor.
2moments
- Timmy the Trashcan introduces himself and explains his love for trash items like popcorn boxes and candy wrappers
- Tim makes his plea for people to put trash in him instead of on the floor
- 1 min
Halloween Night at the Safari Inn: Sick Junkies Next Door
#Tim sets the scene recording outside the Safari Inn in Burbank on Halloween, describing two clearly drug-sick guests who warned the maid about a room she'll have to clean, and speculates about their late checkout.
2moments
- Tim sets the scene at the Safari Inn in Burbank, California on Halloween night.
- A maid warns two guests that they need to clean the entire room when they leave because they're both very sick.
- 1 min
The Epstein Temple Video Needs More Retweets
#Tim complains that the Epstein pedophile temple costume video only got 110,000 views and berates listeners for not retweeting it, contrasting it with viral McDonald's fight videos.
2moments
- Tim's Epstein temple video got 110,000 views on Twitter in five hours, which he considers nothing.
- He blames the audience for not retweeting it enough and calls them out for sharing gang fights in McDonald's instead.
- 3 min
Flappers Comedy Club and Flappy Hour
#Tim rants about being charged $10 for a Red Bull and $3 for water at Flappers Comedy Club, getting told he couldn't film there, and describes the "flappy hour" open mic full of court-ordered divorced dads and psychopaths, plus a story about a confused waitress and the hummus.
5moments
- Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank is a place Tim would never walk into, especially not during Flappy Hour, the daily open mic.
- Flappy Hour attracts divorced dads and assorted psychopaths in Los Angeles County.
- Tim paid $15 total for a RedBull and water at the club, then was told he couldn't film despite performing for seven people.
- The people doing Flappy Hour haven't put work into comedy—for many of them it was court-ordered instead of domestic violence.
- Tim ordered hummus an hour before his set, and the waitress couldn't locate him when it finally arrived because he was on stage performing.
Flappers Comedy ClubBurbank
- 1 min
- 1 min
Deal or No Deal and Career Bitterness
#Tim complains that people won't retweet his content because they're worried about getting on a game show like Deal or No Deal, then jokes that his own career should be called "No Deal."
3moments
- Tim on why the video quality and editing are great but people won't share it: celebrities and comics are afraid it'll jeopardize their shot at Deal or No Deal.
- Most comedians are chasing Deal or No Deal, which Tim sees as nothing—a mirage with no substance, just a few checks.
- Tim admits he doesn't even know what the show is.
Deal or No Deal
- 1 min
Pitching Himself for a Game Show
#Tim jokes he'd tone himself down for a family-friendly game show opportunity, asking anyone listening to give him a shot.
3moments
- Tim pitches himself for a game show called "No Deal" that's been running for a decade.
- He offers to tone down his act for a family-friendly game show format, half hour to an hour.
- Tim wonders what kind of game he could actually get involved in, checking if it's okay with the cars.
- 2 min
Cars Fleeing Fires and His Father's Wife's Near-Death
#Riffing on background traffic noise, Tim spins into a dark bit about families fleeing fires wishing for rebirth, then tells a story about his father seeming disappointed when his wife survived food poisoning, framing it as a missed chance at being alone again.
3moments
- The sound of cars fleeing fires is just ambient noise, wheels screeching as terrain burns around families thinking about rebirth.
- Tim's father's wife almost died from food poisoning, and Tim's dad looked disappointed when she was saved instead of getting a chance at rebirth.
- Tim reads his father's solemn face when saying 'we almost lost her' — interpreting it as resignation that she could have moved on alone after waking up without someone in the bed next to him.
- 2 min
Locked Bathrooms and Elevator Key Cards
#Tim complains about a restaurant bathroom requiring a key, then riffs extensively on hotel key cards demagnetizing and elevators needing constant re-scanning, wondering aloud what to do with his card.
3moments
- Tim riffs on getting fired from jobs and Instagram's algorithm hiding him while keeping dead influencers accessible.
- Restaurant bathrooms now require a key and you have to go around back—why are they locking up the facilities like it's post-apocalyptic?
- Hotel elevator key cards only work for three seconds before shutting off—who exactly is getting on between floors 43 and 47 to murder you?
InstagramMurray's Italian restaurant
- 2 min
The Imagined Hotel Elevator Murder
#Tim invents a hypothetical mass-murder-in-a-hotel-elevator backstory to explain why hotel security systems have become so paranoid and excessive.
5moments
- Tim describes an imagined murder in a hotel elevator over a bad breakfast buffet complaint.
- The victim supposedly had a steak knife plunged into their throat, leading to the hotel's heavy security overhaul.
- Tim questions where to carry a credit card when it keeps demagnetizing near a phone, asking if he should put it in his ass.
- Everyone in elevators frantically waves demagnetized cards at sensors like psychopaths just trying to reach their rooms.
- Tim concludes that letting people occasionally get killed would be preferable to dealing with this level of security theater.
- 1 min
Hotel Bracelets and Stolen Vacations in Clearwater
#Tim describes an over-secured resort in Clearwater, Florida requiring bracelets to move between pool, beach, and lobby, joking that it's meant to stop people from "stealing" other people's vacations.
4moments
- Hotels have nine bolts on every door because somebody apparently disemboweled a family at a Marriott that Tim wasn't aware of.
- Tim stayed at a resort in Clearwater Florida where they gave him a bracelet to use at different areas—pool, beach, lobby—like a series of gates.
- The security exists because people are apparently stealing other people's vacations by showing up to the pool and sitting there.
- Hotels need security but there has to be a middle ground between no security and feeling like you're in an underground bunker under Washington DC.
Marriotthotel securityClearwater Florida
- 2 min
The Safari Inn's Fake Iconic Status
#Tim mocks the Safari Inn for acting like a legendary Hollywood landmark because Apollo 13 and Desperate Housewives filmed there, and explains he's only staying there because his apartment has termites.
4moments
- The Safari Inn thinks it's iconic because Apollo 13, Desperate Housewives, and True Romance filmed there.
- Tim tweets "iconic" sarcastically about the Safari Inn, questioning what actually makes it iconic.
- He's only staying at this motel because termites are eating his apartment, not to experience Hollywood history.
- Families stay at the Safari Inn and then get driven in a van to Harry Potter world at Universal Studios every day.
Harry PotterUniversal StudiosDenver AirportApollo 13Coach CarterDesperate HousewivesTrue Romance
- 2 min
Harry Potter World Vans and Getting Kicked Out of Filming Spots
#Tim riffs on adults going to Harry Potter World, then lists all the places (the Grove, Flappers, the Supreme store) that stopped them from filming that day.
5moments
- Tim didn't read the Harry Potter books because he's an adult, though he saw some of the films.
- Adults now go to Harry Potter World, a theme park for kids, without shame.
- A Jurassic World van pulled up while they were filming and staff yelled at them.
- Tim insists they're allowed to podcast wherever they want and won't pay to speak into a microphone.
- Filming location rentals cost around ten grand a day or more.
Harry PotterThe GroveJurassic WorldBen Avery
- 2 min
His Mother's Anti-Halloween Christmas Dolls
#Tim contrasts Burbank's elaborate Halloween decorations with his own strict Christian upbringing, where his mother viewed Halloween as satanic but loved her animatronic candle-holding Christmas dolls.
4moments
- LA residents have really gone to trouble decorating for Halloween, which Tim appreciates
- Tim's mother had Christmas dolls with candles that would move back and forth in the window
- His mother thought Halloween was satanic and believed everyone was poisoning kids with candy
- In seventh or eighth grade, Tim went out with cool kids who were throwing eggs at cars as a rite of passage
- 2 min
Eighth Grade Egg-Throwing and the Fat Aunt Eva Sketch Idea
#Tim recalls throwing eggs and vandalizing property with popular kids in eighth grade as a suburban rite of passage, then pitches a sketch idea about two guys dressed for a protest who never make it there.
5moments
- Tim describes eighth-grade suburban delinquency: vandalizing homes and cars, throwing eggs at kids, risking getting beaten up or killed.
- Urban legends about egg-throwing: kids swallowing eggs and dying, eggshells in eyes, someone getting shot in the head over an egg.
- Tim recalls his first time going out with the mob in eighth grade—it was fun—then had dinner with his dad at a steakhouse afterward.
- He showed up to dinner covered in shaving cream, dressed all in black like he was part of antifa or a protest group.
- Tim pitches a sketch idea called "Fat Aunt Eva": two guys dressed in black supposed to go to a protest but stop at Arby's instead.
- 1 min
Smelling Like Shaving Cream at Dinner With Dad
#Tim tells the punchline to the egg-throwing story: showing up to dinner covered in shaving cream and his dad's friend assuming he was trying to impress girls.
3moments
- Tim shows up to a rally in all black after rubbing shaving cream in his hair, then smells like shaving cream at dinner with his dad and a restaurant owner.
- Restaurant owner assumes Tim wore cologne to impress women, misreading the actual plan to throw eggs and vandalize property.
- Tim's dad interprets the cologne as a sign his son is trying to seduce women, while Tim just smiles at the misunderstanding.
Tomi Lehren
- 4 min
Halloween Gang Initiation Myths
#Tim and Ben discuss childhood urban legends about Halloween being gang initiation night, riffing on parents' warnings versus the reality that they themselves were the neighborhood's actual delinquents doing drugs.
9moments
- Tim recalls the pervasive Halloween gang initiation myth that dominated his childhood.
- People are hardwired to crave fear and horror, which is why scary rumors spread so easily.
- Tim's mothers warned that gangs would pick random boys on Halloween night to kill them as part of initiation.
- Tim and his friends, tripping on acid, had to sit stone-faced while their parents warned them about gang killings.
- The gang initiation threat was coded language for urban outsiders coming to the suburbs to kill suburban kids.
- Tim acknowledges that gang initiations probably happen somewhere, but the Halloween panic was largely mythological.
- Ben never heard about gang initiation on Halloween, only the urban legend about cars with headlights off.
- Ben keeps bringing up unrelated folklore like chupacabras, black cats, vampires, and werewolves instead of gang myths.
- Tim admits he has no idea if Halloween gang initiation is real and deflects to mentioning a wedding he has to attend.
Halloween gang initiationgangs from the city
- 1 min
The No-Social-Media Wedding Dilemma
#Tim complains about attending a famous person's wedding this weekend where photos are banned, joking about wanting proof he was there anyway.
2moments
- Tim describes a famous person's wedding with a no-social-media rule for privacy, then asks how to respect their privacy while also getting photos to fake success on social media.
- His solution: skip the wedding entirely and just tell everyone he was there, avoiding both the social media restriction and the actual attendance requirement.
- 1 min
Wanting to Party With Post Malone and Billie Eilish
#Tim jokes about being stuck at the Safari Inn with junkies instead of partying with celebrities like Post Malone, Karl Malone, and Billie Eilish on Halloween.
3moments
- Tim claims he's never meant anything he's ever said, and that jokes are the only things that matter—real truths are just things people accept after they've been said.
- He fantasizes about being at a Halloween party in LA with cool people taking photos, but not with comedians—he'd rather party with Post Malone or Karl Malone.
- Tim wants to have a photo with Billie Eilish, but instead he's stuck at the end list of junkies who will trash the room.
Billie EilishPost MaloneKarl Malone
- 3 min
Spotting Junkies and the Cocaine-Addict Kids Who Got Warned About Kidnappers
#Tim explains how obvious it is when addicts fake being sick, then circles back to how ironic it was that he and his friends, warned constantly about being kidnapped, were actually the neighborhood's own drug users buying coke from "bad people" they considered friends.
6moments
- Tim on how obvious it is when people are faking sickness to get drugs.
- Gang initiation stories were probably myths, though there was a lot of myth-making when he grew up.
- The myths usually involved people coming to kill you or kidnap you.
- On Long Island, kids were warned constantly about being snatched, though it rarely happened.
- The funny part: while parents warned them about kidnappers, Tim and his friends were cocaine addicts stealing from their families.
- Tim's mother didn't realize he and his friends were the actual bad people she was warning them about.
- 2 min
Skipping Weddings for Comedy Headlining Slots
#Tim explains the etiquette of only attending the meal portion of weddings, and why he had to skip close friends' weddings early in his career to take rare headlining slots on weekend nights.
5moments
- Weddings don't require attending lunch and dinner—just the ceremony and one meal.
- Tim skipped his best friend Joe's wedding to work a headlining slot he'd spent years trying to get.
- Working Friday and Saturday nights meant missing weddings of people he loved, but those were the only nights available for paid comedy gigs.
- He couldn't give up early headlining opportunities even for important relationships—it was his first real shot at the rotation.
- Tim clarifies he actually enjoys weddings and has had good times at them despite the scheduling conflicts.
- 12 min
The Long Island Wedding Saga of Tommy and Nicole
#Tim launches into an extended improvised story/parody of a quintessential Long Island wedding, inventing the entire courtship, engagement, and vows of "Tommy and Nicole" including a pit bull, a Long Island Rail Road job, and dueling wedding speeches.
13moments
- Long Island weddings are $80,000 affairs where couples light money on fire in front of a roomful of people after saving for two years and living in a basement.
- The bride wants to feel like a princess for nine hours before returning to medical billing, drinking cheap coffee, and smoking menthol lights outside the office.
- After nine months on keto and losing six pounds without understanding it, the bride destroys her dress while the groom and his friends do cocaine at a strip club the week before.
- Catering halls like Jericho Terrace and Leonard's of Great Neck look like places where Little League trophy nights happen and subprime mortgage brokers learn how to rob people.
- Tim met Nicole when she lost her shoe vomiting at an event; she claimed pregnancy rather than too much drinking, so he took her for an abortion and a bacon egg and cheese the next day.
- Tim and Nicole moved in together because neither could afford apartments alone—both had been evicted the week before.
- Tim gave his name to the Long Island Rail Road four years ago and finally got hired to punch tickets in the most important job in New York.
- The children Nicole was watching for a year got hit by a car, so she decided to go back to bartending.
- Nicole's wedding vows compare their relationship to watching Harry Potter movies—they saw the third one first, didn't understand it, then watched the first two, and now it's their favorite thing.
- Long Island weddings unite two criminals, demons, and things crawled out of a swamp of coffee creamer and bacon egg and cheese, beginning a horrible life that ruins the world just a little bit.
- At the wedding, two people dressed as Pikachu bought their costumes from CVS, which Tim finds sad.
- Tim dressed up as Super Mario for Halloween, which he describes as a little bit basic, and stopped dressing up after eighth grade when he switched to throwing eggs.
- In eleventh grade, Tim and his friends at a house in Rockville Center threw whole fruit at passing cars thinking it was funny, until drivers would stop and bang on the door yelling.
Long IslandHarry PotterLeonard's of Great NeckThe Comedy StoreRockville CenterThe SopranosOneonta
- 1 min
Adults in Pikachu Costumes and His Own Basic Halloween Costumes
#Ben and Tim discuss cheap adult Pikachu costumes at the wedding-adjacent riff, leading Tim to recall his own unspectacular childhood costumes like Super Mario and Simba.
2moments
- People get pissed off at pranks, but Tim's take is that you have to do what others do to fit in, even if it's dangerous.
- Tim connects peer pressure and conformity to how wars get started, then jokes that if you shouldn't do bad things others are doing, how can you support the troops.
Ryan Still
- 5 min
Throwing Fruit at Cars With Ryan and Tim
#Tim tells stories about his friend Ryan's love of pranks, throwing whole fruit at passing cars in eleventh grade, and pelting a Bally's gym window with eggs, tying it to peer pressure and conformity.
10moments
- Tim and Ryan's friend Tim, who passed away from drug overdose, loved throwing eggs and was insanely funny from their early drinking days.
- They'd show up to friend Tim's house hammered and his mother would lose her mind at their state.
- They got caught with fake IDs at Gillian's; when the bouncer asked what dorm Tim was in, Tim said the Kennedy dorm like an idiot.
- Friend Tim would tell people like Jerry Ann to shut up in the middle of genuine moments, which was hilarious.
- They bought three dozen eggs and pelted the floor-to-ceiling window of a Bally's gym; nobody inside cared or really noticed.
- As they moved into drinking in eleventh grade, one kid in the group wasn't ready to graduate from throwing fruit and still wanted to do that forever.
- They snuck into bars near Hofstra College that were full of underage kids, literally packed with hammered children dancing around.
- At a club called Bogaerts, Tim's older brother whispered in Ryan's ear while he was dancing with a short-haired girl that he was the shit man.
- After that night out, they all had to pull over on the way home and started vomiting in the car together.
- Tim who passed away was truly funny, a surfer skater kid who always had a hot girlfriend, and one of Ryan's favorite people.
- 2 min
Remembering Tim, the Friend Who Died of an Overdose
#Tim fondly recounts his late friend Tim's habit of hilariously telling people to "shut up," sneaking into underage bars like Bogaerts near Hofstra, fake IDs, and his parents' laissez-faire attitude toward underage drinking.
5moments
- Tim recounts how his friend's mom would embarrass him by commenting on his drinking at neighborhood gatherings.
- The friend's family threw block parties where he'd convince his non-drinking parents they were heavy drinkers, joking about them calling out of work.
- Tim reflects on how his friend was genuinely funny despite not being a comedian, one of those rare people blessed with natural humor.
- At a comedy show, Tim interrupts a host calling his name to explain he's dressing as Jeffrey Epstein's temple to perform.
- Tim asks the host to call someone else and give him a minute to put on the box costume before going on stage.
Jeffrey Epstein's temple
- 2 min
Tim transitions into the Ridge Wallet sponsor read, describing its minimalist design, reviews, warranty, and promo code.
7moments
- Tim explains why he loves Ridge Wallet — it helped him cut down on carrying unnecessary crap.
- He keeps his attorney's number in it in case he gets arrested while filming.
- Ridge Wallet is a minimal front pocket wallet designed to streamline what you carry every day.
- It comes with a lifetime warranty and free returns, showing how confident they are you'll like it.
- Tim pitches it as a good gift for someone at work or a friend — casual and not too personal.
- A slim front pocket wallet won't get in the way if you want to blow your friend, and it won't make your dick look small.
- Go to Ridge.com/Tim and use promo code TIM for 10% off your order.
- 2 min
The Ridge ad drifts into jokes about doing yoga in airports, the wallet as a makeshift weapon, and declaring the wallet is for all genders and non-binary people.
5moments
- The Ridge wallet sounds like a white supremacist compound stronghold.
- Tim loves the Ridge wallet because it doesn't impede his ability to do yoga in the airport.
- The Ridge wallet is metal and can be used as a weapon if needed.
- Tim wants all women, non-binary people, and gender non-conforming people to have Ridge wallets because it has no gender.
- Tim's favorite Ridge model is the carven Ridge.
- 2 min
Tim and Ben discuss their favorite Ridge wallet colors and the backpacks, then Tim riffs comparing the brand's name to Ashton Kutcher's show The Ranch before closing out the ad.
5moments
- Tim describes his favorite Ridge wallet color, blue fading to gray.
- He endorses the carbon wallet and calls Ridge the future of wallets.
- Tim praises Ridge backpacks as solid and tremendous.
- Watching activity at the ridge for six months sounds like Ashton Kutcher's Netflix show The Ranch.
- Tim hasn't watched The Ranch but confirms it's a sitcom with Sam Elliott and Ashton Kutcher as the dad.
Ridge WalletThe RanchAshton KutcherSam Elliott
- 2 min
Red-Eye Flights and Wedding Outfit Logistics
#Tim complains about hating red-eye flights and early morning flights messing with his sleep, then plans buying a fresh outfit for the upcoming wedding instead of doing laundry.
5moments
- Tim explains his hatred of red-eye flights and how they wreck his sleep cycle for days.
- Red-eyes make him paranoid, especially being awake alone on a plane while everyone sleeps.
- He's still undecided between booking a 6 AM flight or leaving early, then pivots to needing wedding attire.
- Tim decides to just buy a new outfit for the wedding instead of doing laundry before Sunday.
- His plan: give a four-hundred-dollar restaurant gift certificate and a bottle of wine split with others as a group gift.
- 1 min
Offering to Book Post Malone and Billie Eilish for the Wedding
#Tim jokingly offers to get Post Malone or Billie Eilish to perform at Ben's upcoming wedding, riffing that Long Islanders wouldn't even recognize them.
4moments
- Tim offers to book Post Malone for the wedding, praising him as talented.
- Tim volunteers to get Billie Eilish to perform, doing her "Bad Guy" hook.
- Long Island people are so behind on culture they wouldn't even know who Billie Eilish is.
- Tim suggests they're asking for Nelly, claiming the island is thirteen years behind popular culture.
- 5 min
The Lie of "Follow Your Passion"
#Tim delivers an extended rant on how society dishonestly tells young people to follow their dreams without preparing them for constant rejection, contrasting the glorified hustle narrative with people who are happy in stable jobs and treat their passions as hobbies.
8moments
- Tim argues society tells everyone to follow their passion while knowing most people don't actually have one, creating false expectations.
- The cultural switch away from stable careers toward exciting ones, pushed by figures like Gary Vee, ignores what actually achieving dreams requires.
- Tim criticizes the dishonesty about what pursuing a dream takes, leaving a generation unprepared for repeated rejection.
- Movies like Rudy and Whiplash glorify the struggle without acknowledging that rejection is the rule, not the exception, in pursuing passion.
- The disconnect between reality and the glorified idea of entrepreneurship is widest among people making money off commodifying others' hopes and dreams.
- Tim's honest take: following your dreams is a mixed bag—people making it don't tell you that you have to put things on the back burner.
- Stable jobs with insurance and benefits allow people to pursue hobbies they love without needing to monetize them, but society no longer celebrates that balance.
- Most people doing comedy don't realize it's actually a hobby for them because they're insane and earn no money doing it.
- 2 min
Pitching a Show Called "Red Pill Mom"
#Watching cars ignore an ambulance, Tim pivots into pitching a sitcom concept about a mom who becomes radicalized and "red-pilled," much to her family's confusion.
6moments
- Tim describes driving today and witnessing ambulances and fire trucks moving slowly through traffic.
- People in Beverly Hills won't let fire trucks pass because they're late for their TV show table reads.
- Tim pitches a show concept called "Red Pill Mom" about a mother who gets red-pilled while her family tries to pull her back.
- Tim says the "Red Pill Mom" concept excites him so much he would actually write for that show.
- Tim imagines a dinner scene where red-pilled mom serves Nordic food and starts introducing the family to their heritage and awakening.
- Throughout the first episode, mom progressively reveals she's "based," as the younger generation calls it.
- 2 min
Everyone's a Hero Online, a Loser Offline
#Tim describes the disconnect between people's confident online personas fighting celebrities and politicians versus their sad real lives eating McDonald's in their cars.
6moments
- In 20 years people may beg for Chase Bank back when they're dealing with armed marauding psychopaths instead.
- We've created such a life for ourselves online that we could never produce an actual life offline.
- Online everyone's an eagle with wings spread, destroying people and clapping back at the president.
- In real life you go to McDonald's, eat a cheeseburger in your car and cry, then tell Alyssa Milano to fuck off online.
- Eventually internet access will run out and people might venture outside when things get worse.
- Tim just wants to go to as many weddings as possible before that day happens.
- 2 min
Forgiving OJ Simpson and Michael Che's Bruce Jenner Joke
#Tim jokes about wanting to "forgive" OJ Simpson as the first casualty of cancel culture, then defends Michael Che's SNL joke about Bruce Jenner against accusations of "deadnaming."
5moments
- Tim argues OJ Simpson should be forgiven and allowed back into society, citing cancel culture's failure to weigh his accomplishments against his crimes.
- OJ was the first casualty of canceled culture, according to Tim, who views him as a great athlete and fun guy despite his convictions.
- Michael Che made a joke on SNL about Bruce Jenner that sparked backlash for allegedly dead-naming a trans woman.
- Tim defends Che's joke, arguing the comedian used past tense when referring to Bruce Jenner, describing what actually existed historically.
- You can't deny Bruce Jenner existed as Bruce Jenner—he won Olympic medals, got married, and had children in that identity, Tim insists.
- 2 min
SNL and Peter Luger's: Past Their Prime But Untouchable
#Tim argues SNL is defended by unemployable haters yet is genuinely no longer very funny, comparing it to Peter Luger's steakhouse as an institution coasting on past glory.
7moments
- SNL critics are often unemployable vagrants who couldn't show up to work even if offered a job because they'd need to shower and leave their apartment by 9 AM.
- Tim argues SNL is simply not funny as a show, though it has funny moments scattered across an hour and a half.
- Both SNL and Peter Luger's have passed their prime but remain untouchable institutions in the cultural mythos.
- Peter Luger's will be full no matter what anyone says about it, just as SNL will remain on 11:30 Saturday nights on NBC regardless of quality.
- Things that get big enough coast along on reputation, occasionally hitting with good sketches or meals without being particularly impressive on average.
- Tim expresses amazement that people are shocked a 150-year-old steakhouse or a 40-50 year old show no longer hits the way it used to.
- The Simpsons also stopped hitting like it used to—people need to accept their childhood is over and move on.
- 3 min
Lynched Skeletons on Halloween Lawns and Favorite Horror Movies
#Tim describes uncomfortable lynching-themed skeleton Halloween decorations in Burbank, then lists his favorite horror/campy movies like Jacob's Ladder, Cabin in the Woods, House of 1000 Corpses, and jokes about Joss Whedon's cheating scandal.
6moments
- Tim spots lynched skeletons decorating Halloween lawns in Burbank and questions whether that's necessary for a children's display.
- Explaining the historical racial component of lynching while defending the observation that skeleton decorations don't need to depict it.
- A Halloween decoration was an homage to Friday the 13th, though Tim admits he conflates all the slasher films together.
- Tim's horror preferences lean toward movies like Jacob's Ladder and Cabin in the Woods rather than pure slasher franchises.
- Joss Whedon directed Cabin in the Woods before moving left politically, becoming another example of a creator's ideological shift.
- Critics who get caught cheating then pivot to declaring they're not binary instead of accepting accountability.
Mad About YouJoss WhedonCabin in the WoodsJacob's LadderHostelHouse of 1000 CorpsesThe Ring9/11+3 more
- 7 min
Comedy Journalists Should Be Arrested
#Tim goes on an extended rant that comedy critics and outlets like Vulture and Jesse David Fox are mentally unwell frauds disconnected from actual audience reactions (using Jenny Slate's special and Hannah Gadsby's Nanette as examples), and proposes they should be jailed and forced to justify their opinions.
10moments
- Comedy press has collectively lost their minds and should be put in a padded room with all sharp objects removed.
- Being on comedy industry lists is a curse that leaves people homeless and wandering LA streets three years later.
- The only comics comedy journalists like are ones they think would invite them to parties—comics that aren't the people who used to spit on them in homeroom.
- Police should arrest comedy reviewers in the middle of the night and interrogate them under hot lights about why they find certain things funny.
- Jenny Slade's special was talented but not for him; the praise leveled on people has nothing to do with the actual thing anymore.
- Nobody was actually mad about Chrissy's special or thought Nanette was the greatest thing—journalists fabricated outrage and meaning that wasn't there.
- Most comedy journalists like Jason Cinnamon and Jesse David Fox are lunatics who should be writing from behind bars, though occasionally Meg Rided or Vulture do something not insane.
- Critics aren't having real reactions to comedy; they only like comedy from people they see as anxious and crawling on their floor every night.
- Skankfest had the best comedians of the last century—Louis CK, Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, Rich Vos, Dan Soder, Marc Maron, Michael Che—yet journalists write it off without attending or doing research.
- Comedy journalists should contact Tim every week so he can write their reviews for them, or else go to jail.
comedy pressJenny SlateRon BenningtonBill BurrBobby KellyBonnie McFarlaneJesse David FoxRich Vos+9 more
- 1 min
Confronting People Who Don't Retweet Him
#Tim jokes about wanting to confront fans who say they like his videos but don't retweet them, accusing them of moral cowardice.
2moments
- Tim on people who claim to like his videos but don't retweet them
- Plans to confront people directly, asking if their failure to retweet is moral cowardice
- 2 min
Reflecting on the Day's Halloween Video Shoot
#Tim reflects on how difficult and time-consuming it was to shoot the day's video around LA traffic and lighting, contrasting it with big-budget productions that fail to be funny despite huge resources.
3moments
- Tim describes making a fun video for Halloween that required extensive logistical effort in LA, including careful timing around sunlight and dealing with brutal traffic.
- The process of shooting on location is much harder than working in Ben's garage, requiring multiple location moves throughout the day.
- Tim marvels at how major productions with huge budgets, countless professionals, multiple cameras and assistants still manage to never make anything funny, while appearing completely divorced from what actually works.
- 3 min
Pitching More Fake Comedy Articles
#Tim continues his comedy-journalism bit, pitching absurd fake articles like "Ten Comedians Who Should Be Killed in Their Homes" and a Tonight Show-versus-your-mother-being-raped thought experiment.
5moments
- Tim describes the comedy industry as burying your head in a trough of shit until someone tells you it'll be okay.
- Anyone who writes lists of comedians nobody knows in a year should be put to death for lack of consequences.
- Tim offers to write all comedy articles himself without taking credit, just to stop pseudo-intellectuals from doing it.
- First fake article pitch: "Ten Comedians Who Should Be Killed in Their Homes," ranked from wouldn't upset to actually should be killed.
- Second fake article: "Would You Rather Watch The Tonight Show or Your Mother Get Raped?" with a guest Jimmy can't understand due to their quirky accent.
- 3 min
Wrapping Up and Thanking Listeners
#Tim wraps up the episode, thanking listeners for sharing the show and donating to Patreon, mentions moving back to studio recording, and riffs briefly on a man biking by with all his possessions before delivering a closing thought on confidence in comedy.
5moments
- Tim announces plans to move recording from the porch to a studio as weather gets colder in LA.
- He thanks listeners who share the show on social media, donate to Patreon, and emphasizes that the audience determines whose content gets attention.
- Tim pivots to observing a man riding by with all his possessions on a bicycle and uses it as a lesson about humility in entertainment.
- People in comedy should approach each day expecting to be knocked down, treating their position as fragile rather than acting with arrogant confidence.
- Tim argues that comedians should focus on making people laugh instead of adopting rock star or rapper attitudes.
- 2 min
Tim lists upcoming tour dates in Fort Worth, Burlington, Bridgeport, Providence, Baltimore, Chicago, Toronto, and Caroline's on Broadway, then closes with social media and rating requests plus a CBD sponsor mention.
5moments
- Tim announces tour dates: Fort Worth (Hyena's, November 14-16), Burlington (Vermont Comedy Club, November 20-23), Bridgeport (Stress Factory, December 5-7), and Providence (Comedy Connection, December 13-14).
- January shows booked at Magoo Bees in Baltimore/Timonium (January 9-11) and Zany's in Chicago (February 3-8).
- Toronto theater dates confirmed for February 14-15, followed by Caroline's on Broadway in New York City on March 4th as his first headline weekend there.
- Tim asks listeners to follow him on Instagram and Twitter (@TimDillonComedy), share the podcast, and rate it 5 stars.
- Promoting CBD products available through Instagram swipe-up, encouraging listeners to try them as a way to support the show.