Episode 161 · The Porch Era
161 - The Los Angeles Liars
Aug 18, 2019 · 1:48:20 · 897,000 views · 20 segments, 158 moments indexed
Tim broadcasts from the deck and argues why it's virtuous to never tell the truth, rants on the Jeffrey Epstein case, and offers an apology to the Your Mom's House Network.
- 1 min
Cold Open: Timmy the Trashcan PSA
#A brief bit voiced as "Timmy the Trashcan" begging patrons not to throw trash on the floor and to hand it to him instead.
2moments
- Tim introduces himself as Timmy the Trashcan, a PSA character
- The character makes a pitch asking people to put trash in him instead of on the floor
- 6 min
Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell's In-N-Out Sighting, and the Bachelor Comparison
#Tim mocks a Vox article wondering why the Epstein case inspires conspiracy theories, laying out Epstein's ties to power, his suicide in a supposedly secure facility, and the timeline of his death right before trial. He then rants about Ghislaine Maxwell being photographed eating at In-N-Out and reading a book about dead CIA agents, riffing on the media treating it as tabloid fodder, and wonders why the public is more obsessed with The Bachelor than with an obvious conspiracy.
8moments
- Tim examines why the Jeffrey Epstein case spawns so many conspiracy theories when the basics are simple: a trafficker with intelligence ties got a sweetheart deal.
- Epstein was supposedly cooperating with prosecutors before his death, but his suicide in a maximum-security detention facility means there will be no trial and no open court.
- Perfectly rational people who were asleep watching The Bachelor are starting to wake up and question what's happening, even if they're not full conspiracy theorists.
- Tim tears off his fingernails anxiously as a way to manage stress and explains that you know you're done when there's a pool of blood and the nail hurts for days.
- Ghislaine Maxwell was spotted eating an In-N-Out burger, and the press is treating a child trafficker like tabloid fodder instead of covering the darkest crime imaginable.
- Maxwell is walking around free, reading books about dead CIA agents at an In-N-Out burger while nobody questions her or her whereabouts.
- Reports claim Maxwell was holed up with a tech guy in Manchester by the Sea, the same town where she appeared in a film.
- Tim notes he thinks he's coming down with something and has a Ricola, though he'll probably smoke by the end of the show despite not smoking except for the podcast.
Jeffrey EpsteinAlexander AcostaBill RichardsonGhislaine MaxwellAnna North
- 1 min
Cigarettes vs. Vapes and Learning to Communicate
#A tangent about how smoking cigarettes (unlike vaping) lends itself to conversation, and how a generation raised online with vapes and Adderall never learned to actually talk to people.
5moments
- Nicotine and cigarettes lend themselves to conversation in a way vapes don't, because there's pausing and give-and-take.
- Younger people who vape lack the natural rhythm for conversation that cigarettes provide.
- The generation raised online, on Adderall and anxiety, hasn't learned to communicate properly.
- Ben sucks on his vape every 30 seconds and doesn't know how to speak to anyone.
- When you talk to him he stares off into the sky and leaves because he doesn't understand how to have a conversation.
- 10 min
Ghislaine Maxwell's Five-Star Book Review and the Epstein 'Stress Test'
#Tim reads a supposed five-star review attributed to Ghislaine Maxwell for a book about intelligence agents' deaths, riffing on the absurdity of a child trafficker reviewing spy novels. He spins into theorizing whether Epstein was intelligence-connected, whether the whole thing is a sloppy 'stress test' by a small cabal losing control, and why the public would rather watch The Bachelor than reckon with it.
10moments
- Ghislaine Maxwell found reading a book about CIA agent deaths at In-N-Out in Manchester by the Sea.
- Maxwell's five-star book review supposedly appears online, praising a spy novel and the CIA's higher calling.
- Tim notes the absurdity of a woman who participated in child abuse reviewing a book mourning intelligence operatives' deaths.
- Chaos theory and information overload make it hard to assess whether powerful people are losing control or orchestrating chaos.
- Tim questions whether Maxwell was instructed to post the review or if it's part of some larger intelligence plan.
- The entire country watches The Bachelor instead of engaging with actual conspiracies involving presidential paintings in drag.
- Maxwell was friends with the Clintons; Epstein had a portrait of the president in heels and two-way mirrors in his mansion.
- Tim demands to know what would make people care about real-world conspiracies as much as they care about dating shows.
- Respect for the Your Mom's House Network and its talent, but Tim prefaces what follows by explaining why honesty is rare and risky.
- Honesty is expensive and reserved for close relationships; most people need to be lied to and manipulated, which is why the Epstein situation exists.
Ghislaine MaxwellJeffrey EpsteinThe BachelorYour Mom's HouseNew York PostChelsea ClintonDr. DrewAdam Carolla+5 more
- 2 min
On Lying as a Virtue
#A philosophical riff arguing that lying, done well and often, shows you care about someone, while blunt honesty is inconsiderate — comparing it to skipping deodorant, and arguing pathological liars need practice like drunk driving.
8moments
- People keep secrets all the time—conspiracies aren't real because nobody can keep secrets, but you're keeping secrets from your wife right now.
- People have secret families they never talk about; secrets get kept for years with good lawyers.
- Big lies require little eyes to sustain them; pathological liars practice lying all the time because they want to be good at it.
- If you drink and drive every night, statistically you'll be better at it; same with lying, comedy, and anything else—you have to do it a lot.
- Tim's first instinct in many situations is to spin a yarn or lie because he cares about the person, and honesty would be insane.
- When called out on lying, he says he's lying because he knows he's wrong and loves the person—being honest would be insane.
- Honesty is not the best policy; only schoolteachers say that because they talk to children all day with childlike minds.
- Don't take advice from anything on a guidance counselor's wall—it won't help.
- 12 min
The Redondo Beach Day That Got Him Banned From Your Mom's House
#Tim tells the long story of skipping town with Big Jay's girlfriend Christine Evans to Redondo Beach — the Toby Keith car ride, sneaking onto a public Trump golf course, a bathroom bit about pretending not to be there to do drugs — which caused him to no-call-no-show his scheduled Dr. Drew After Dark appearance, then post an Instagram beach story that exposed his "emergency" as a lie, likely getting him banned from the network.
15moments
- Christine Evans invites Tim to Redondo Beach to show him where she grew up, planning a swim and seafood lunch.
- Tim spends five and a half hours driving round trip for a forty-five minute dip in the ocean.
- Tim plays Toby Keith in the car; Christine criticizes his date music taste.
- Tim posts an Instagram story from a Redondo Beach peak claiming he went from living on a highway to breaking ground on a twenty-five million dollar state by listening to Gary Vaynerchuk.
- Christine suggests visiting a Trump golf course that's supposedly open to the public.
- Tim explains to Christine that Palos Verdes public is different from their public—the golf course is not interested in people like them.
- The best things at Venice Beach are bodybuilders with AIDS on Muscle Beach, all of whom have beaten AIDS through iron.
- Christine goes into the Trump golf course bathroom under the pretense of a fake question, just wanting to use the restroom like a crackhead.
- Tim receives an email from the Your Mom's House Network asking if he's finding his way and saying it's 4:08, but he's in the Trump bathroom and realizes he's supposed to be doing Dr. Drew at 4:00.
- Tim admits he did a no-call-no-show for the first time instead of calling out sick like he used to.
- Panicked on the Trump golf course toilet, Tim emails back immediately claiming an emergency, unaware he'd posted an Instagram story from the beach thirty minutes earlier.
- Tim is ashamed not because he lied, but because he didn't craft a good lie and didn't put care into it.
- Tim won't wonder why he never gets on Your Mom's House again—he'll remember the time he no-showed for Dr. Drew and emailed a fake excuse from the Trump bathroom toilet while Instagram showed him at the beach.
- People messaging Tim to suggest he do Your Mom's House can stop; if he doesn't do it, it's one hundred percent his fault and a bad move.
- Tim blames Christine Evans for ruining his life with the Redondo Beach trip.
Christine EvansDonald TrumpYour Mom's HouseDr. DrewToby KeithGary VaynerchukRedondo BeachPalos Verdes+1 more
- 6 min
A sponsor read for Monday.com's workplace organization software, heavily interwoven with jokes about Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and a bit about firing an incompetent employee named Donna, tying his own disorganization to missing the Dr. Drew taping.
10moments
- Tim on many people who shouldn't try to have a business because they lack the discipline
- The pitch: some people should be their own boss instead of drones in soul-crushing office jobs
- Monday.com organizes everything in one place so you're not wasting time searching through 2,000 unread emails
- Tim escalates the annoyance of not getting responses from coworkers, comparing it to child cancer and Jeffrey Epstein
- Bit where Tim confronts his employee Donna for not completing tasks and making excuses about never getting emails
- If Jeffrey Epstein had used Monday.com, he wouldn't have been caught and would still be alive on his island
- Tim warns that many people will fail if they don't organize their business properly
- Monday.com works for comedians, artists, bands, salespeople, or anyone with clients and meetings to coordinate
- Tim admits his own lack of organization has prevented him from becoming more successful and knowing better people
- He missed a Dr. Drew appearance because he wasn't organized, proving why he needs Monday.com reminders
- 7 min
Hometown Tours, Delusion as a Drug, and Wanting a House
#Tim mocks people who give boring hometown tours, riffs on Christine's real estate ambitions in Redondo, and argues that ambition/delusion is like a drug you need in small doses but can overdose on, landing on his own modest dream of just owning a house.
9moments
- Tim rips hometown tours where people point out where they drank in high school or saw their first boyfriend.
- His version of a hometown tour: places where he did coke at 13, his parents' marriage fell apart, and a Latin Kings member got his head hit with a 40.
- Taking a realtor's tour of Redondo Beach while she talks about estates she'll own, then asking to borrow 4 million dollars.
- Delusion is a drug—you need a little of it but you can overdose; Tim describes comics who mainlined delusion and now bomb in bars talking about Netflix.
- People get their dreams backwards, focusing on buying a house before succeeding at the actual work.
- Tim's current dream: just owning any house at all, beaten down so much that his best-case scenario is what other people see as failure.
- The problem with people who have zero delusion is they don't believe in anything and become married to their unfortunate circumstances.
- Going to Musso and Frank's steakhouse with a younger guy who wouldn't stop complaining about not growing up going to fancy places.
- Tim on people selling their poverty: if you're going to play the trash-bag angle, you have to be extremely attractive or just act like you've been to a steakhouse before.
Musso and Frank'sRedondo Beach
- 7 min
The Kid Who Bragged About Never Going Anywhere Nice
#A rant about a young platonic friend who kept awkwardly gushing about how fancy Musso and Frank's was, spiraling into a broader complaint about poor people who wear their lack of worldliness as a badge of pride instead of trying to improve, plus a tangent about a well-endowed drummer who loved fettuccine alfredo.
10moments
- Tim questions the addiction to bragging about unfortunate circumstances and having nothing.
- There's a perverse pride now in having nothing, like it's something to be applauded.
- Middle-class comedians think it's funny they don't have money—it's lazy, not cute.
- Tim describes taking someone to a nice restaurant where they say it's the nicest place they've ever been.
- People celebrate their lack of worldliness and ignorance of nice things as if it's an accomplishment.
- People confuse their laziness with being denied something or disadvantaged by the rich.
- A young drummer came to Tim's hotel room with Domino's pizza he'd ordered.
- The drummer wanted to microwave the Domino's pizza before sex—which made no sense to Tim.
- Every thin guy with a big dick from rural or suburban areas loves fettuccine alfredo.
- Tim had to order two child portions of fettuccine alfredo to make one adult portion for the drummer.
- 5 min
Bombing at the Stardome in Hoover, Alabama
#Tim recounts a rough gig at the Stardome comedy club in Hoover, Alabama, where jokes about brunch and gentrifying tech workers didn't land with the older, country crowd, plus riffing on his shabby Courtyard Marriott and asking why 'room service' requires a lobby trip.
9moments
- Tim performed at the Stardome comedy club in Huntsville, Alabama, describing it as a rough and legendary room where many comics struggle.
- The audience was a mix of elderly Black people and white evangelicals from rural Alabama—not the typical Black room Tim is used to playing.
- His material about brunch didn't land because Hoover, Alabama doesn't have brunch culture; they have buffets instead.
- Tim's jokes about TAC moving into cities failed because TAC hasn't reached Hoover yet—the frame of reference doesn't work for that audience.
- He stays in Courtyard Marriotts while traveling, hotels that hide structural damage with sand-textured paint on the walls.
- Looking up at a popcorn ceiling in a shitty hotel, you wonder how many people's lives have played out in that exact bed—affairs, violence, desperation.
- After the Stardome gig, Tim asked room service why he had to go to the lobby to pick up his beer, and the staff admitted no one was available to deliver it.
- Tim suggested to the hotel clerk that everyone checked in is already there, so they could lock the doors and call it a night.
- Only four to seven of Tim's fans showed up in Hoover, Alabama, and they looked terrified.
Hoover, AlabamaThe StardomeHuntsville, Alabama
- 5 min
A sponsor read for Wix framed around a bit that the digital world is now more real than nature, that no experience matters unless it's posted online, and plugging TimDylansGoingToHell.com built on Wix for a discount code.
10moments
- Tim wishes he was in a dark room online scrolling instead of floating in the Pacific Ocean.
- The virtual world is now the real world; the natural world is fake and inverse.
- He doesn't care about births, deaths, or birds landing on decks unless they appear in high-resolution photos on a personal website.
- Wix lets you build a website using their AI design intelligence or choose from 500 stunning templates.
- Tim would rather read someone's story about their mother's cancer battle while eating cereal at 2 a.m. than hear it in person with fish breath.
- Sex dolls and breeding banks are coming; people just need to invest time in their brand and put it online.
- He might visit someone's website and buy something, but only if he doesn't have to see them in person.
- Wix costs only $15 a month for a professional-looking website.
- Tim Dylan's gonna hell dot com offers $10 off premium plans via a link at the bottom of the site.
- There is no salvation outside of being online in a box.
Wixthe InternetPacific OceanManhattan Beach
- 2 min
Sell Seashells Online, Skip Colbert and Fallon
#A closing riff off the Wix pitch mocking late-night hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon as empty spectacle compared to just going online.
4moments
- Tim pitches selling seashells online to Irish women who will use them as ashtrays.
- He warns against watching Stephen Colbert instead, describing his content as repetitive Trump jokes.
- Jimmy Fallon's show gets the same treatment—absurdist sketches with celebrities at chain restaurants.
- Tim urges buying the Wix plan to escape this entertainment hell.
- 3 min
Fat Acceptance, Sophie Haig, and a Dark Mass Shooter Fantasy
#Tim discusses comedian Sophie Hagen's fat-activism controversy around Amy Schumer, argues body positivity can go too far into denying health risks, then veers into a dark bit fantasizing about sexually placating mass shooters to prevent shootings.
5moments
- Sophie Haig, a fat activist, criticized Amy Schumer's movie 'I Feel Pretty' for not being fat enough.
- Tim on fat acceptance activism: the movement starts reasonably—people shouldn't be abused—but always goes too far.
- Being fat objectively makes you less healthy, and the end result is people like those on '600-Pound Life' who can't move.
- Tim fantasizes about seducing mass shooters to prevent them from committing attacks.
- In this fantasy, he saves the lives of innocent people at places like Walmart by performing oral sex on would-be shooters.
Sophie HaigAmy Schumer
- 3 min
Imagining the Booker's Reaction and More Lying Talk
#Ben and Tim speculate about how the your mom's house booker must feel after being stood up, leading back into Tim's philosophy on lying well versus getting caught in a bad lie.
9moments
- Tim speculates how the podcast booker feels after he showed up an hour late and posted on Instagram before responding.
- Tim suggests bringing in Dr. Drew to berate him for being a lawyer, wondering if that would smooth things over.
- Tim assumes Dr. Drew was angry about driving to Reseda in traffic for the late appearance.
- Tim's excuse: his mother escaped from her mental institution and ended up in Manhattan Beach.
- His mother was supposedly spotted at Captain Trips Fish Market, where Tim recommends the black salmon and lobster roll.
- Tim describes chasing his large mother across Manhattan Beach and the Trump golf course.
- Tim expresses despair that he's banned and will never be invited back.
- Tim explains that getting good at lying is the real skill, demonstrated by making restaurant excuses.
- Ben acknowledges Tim's talent for lying and getting out of bad situations.
Dr. DrewManhattan BeachCaptain Trips Fish MarketTrump golf course
- 4 min
The Long Island Mob House Photo Op Story
#A callback story with Ben about driving to photograph mobster Vinny Ocean's Long Island house (the Sopranos inspiration), getting confronted by a resident, and Tim bluffing his way out by pretending to be lost while trying to leave the island.
8moments
- Tim and Happle drove to Vinny Ocean's house, the Long Island mob figure The Sopranos is based on.
- Happle hasn't had a driver's license in five years and doesn't plan to get one—parking rules aren't for him.
- Tim parked illegally on alternate-side parking day and didn't get a ticket because he looks like a dad.
- They pulled up to the actual house that inspired Tony Soprano's residence, which was near Happle's childhood home.
- A man in a wife beater burst out of the front door demanding to know what they were doing.
- Tim yelled at the man that he didn't know where he was going and needed to get off the island immediately.
- The man was completely confused by Tim's panicked response, then gave directions and let them leave.
- Happle believes the man who confronted them was a member of the mob family.
Vinny OceanThe SopranosDavid ChaseTony SopranoLong IslandNew Jersey
- 2 min
Second-Guessing the Lie: Honesty vs. the Cover Story
#Tim and Ben debate whether full honest apology would have worked better than the botched excuse for missing Dr. Drew, concluding the timing of the 'emergency' email was the fatal flaw.
7moments
- Tim admits he screwed up by forgetting an original event date that had been moved to Friday.
- Christine suggested going to the beach and Tim agreed without thinking about the scheduling conflict.
- The Instagram story was already posted, which complicated the situation when the mistake became apparent.
- Tim considers whether honesty—saying he totally forgot—would have been the better move.
- Admitting total forgetfulness would make him look like someone nobody respects.
- Tim concedes that honesty probably was the best policy in this situation.
- He wonders if claiming an emergency might have worked better as an excuse.
Tom and Christina showWillie NelsonChristine
- 12 min
Leslie Wexner, the Press's Willful Stupidity, and the Franklin Scandal
#Tim dissects a Wall Street Journal article portraying Victoria's Secret billionaire Leslie Wexner as a naive victim of Epstein, arguing elite journalists are either complicit or willfully obtuse compared to ordinary people who'd immediately suspect foul play. He connects it to the historical Franklin child-trafficking cover-up scandal, dead investigators, and Chris Matthews' claim that politicians needed Epstein's plane because they were 'too poor to travel.'
11moments
- Wall Street Journal ran an article about Leslie Wexner, Epstein's money guy who owns Victoria's Secret, asking how a man who sold things to women ended up bankrolling someone who exploited women.
- Tim on whether press figures are complicit or 'literal retards'—a dumb person could easily suspect Wexner and Epstein were abusing kids together, but Ivy League journalists can't put it together.
- Wall Street Journal headline frames Wexner's mistake as trusting Epstein too much, as if billionaires are known for being trusting and kind.
- Wexner gave Epstein a seventy-million-dollar townhouse and money for an island, then Epstein used it for recording equipment and child abuse—yet the press treats this as gullibility rather than conspiracy.
- If you explained this story to someone at Golden Corral eating a yeast roll, they'd immediately say the two guys must be in cahoots; regular people understand it, but media figures don't.
- The Epstein-Wexner relationship is being framed like The Music Man, a con artist just happening to dupe all these billionaires, rather than a deliberate criminal partnership.
- Chris Matthews on MSNBC suggested politicians flew with Epstein because they're too poor to travel otherwise and needed his plane, ignoring that politicians and billionaires have other ways to fly.
- CIA and Mossad have been using sexual blackmail, assets like Epstein, drug trafficking, and human trafficking for decades, and now seem to be in panic mode trying to contain the story.
- Franklin scandal was this exact story without the internet—authorities imprisoned a girl in solitary for two years, killed the investigator and CIA director William Colby, and buried it all.
- Elite education and privilege insulate people from understanding how the world works; they lack the critical thinking and suspicion that comes from being railroaded by the system.
- Black people don't have trouble believing this conspiracy because they've dealt with systematic unfairness their entire lives and know the system makes things up.
Jeffrey EpsteinLes WexnerWall Street JournalChris MatthewsFranklin scandalVoxBill ClintonWilliam Colby+8 more
- 1 min
Elite Ignorance vs. Street Smarts
#A short button on how privileged elites lack the critical thinking and suspicion that people who've been mistreated by the system develop naturally.
2moments
- Tim critiques lily-white writers producing articles he finds disconnected from reality
- Tim calls them dumb and mentions feeling sad about an emergency he had to prevent
- 14 min
Tim formally launches the show's Patreon, detailing the $5 tier (extra weekly episodes, ~140 archived Ray Kampf-era interviews with guests like Nick Bryant, Russ Baker, Michele McPhee) and $20 tier (longer desk videos, extra content, interactive correspondence), joking about a hypothetical $100,000 tier where David Duke becomes permanent co-host, then pivots back into a riff about America not really being 'a nation of laws' given the Epstein case.
10moments
- Tim explains the Patreon tier structure: $5 for extra episodes and audio archives, no name-reading gimmicks.
- At the $5 tier, subscribers get one extra episode per week plus 140 audio archives including interviews with Nick Bryant, Russ Baker, and various comedians.
- The $20 tier includes longer desk video versions, special Patreon-exclusive videos, and direct email access to suggest topics and interview guests.
- Tim jokes about David Duke: not for $20, probably for $1,000, but definitely for $100,000 where Duke becomes co-host of every episode.
- Extended Patreon content gets filmed just for subscribers—five-minute sketches that can't air on Instagram due to content or time restrictions.
- Tim criticizes corporate media outlets for safe material and argues independent content is outperforming it based on engagement metrics.
- Being sane in the current climate is designed to drive you crazy, as exemplified by Ghislaine Maxwell eating in-and-out and Epstein dying in protective custody.
- Human trafficking operates as a multi-billion dollar industry with the message to the rich that they'll never be caught or held accountable.
- Tim mocks conservatives who claimed immigration restrictions protect Black workers while opposing all immigration—calling it a transparent rhetorical dodge.
- America isn't a nation of laws; it's a nation where some people are above the law while others cover their tracks, as proven by Epstein and Maxwell.
Ghislaine MaxwellJeffrey EpsteinDavid DukeRay Kumphuman traffickingBill ClintonDr. DrewHillary Clinton+8 more
- 4 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour dates (Raleigh, New Jersey, Cincinnati, New York City residency) and details on his final year doing the double-decker NYC tour bus comedy show, plus a plug for his upcoming Dr. Drew After Dark episode before signing off.
6moments
- Tim announces tour dates at Good Night's Comedy Club in Raleigh (August 22-24), Stress Factory in New Jersey (September 5-7), and Go Bananas in Cincinnati.
- He's doing weekly spots at the Improv and Comedy Store in LA, with headlining runs at the Stand Comedy Club in New York starting in October.
- Tim's double-decker tour bus show returns for the New York Comedy Festival in November, passing Jeffrey Epstein's house and discussing how wealthy people made their money.
- This will be the final year of the tour bus show after running it since 2016; he may tape it as a special.
- Sign up for the email list at TimDilonComedy.com to get advance notice 24 hours before general ticket sales, with only 55-60 seats per bus and five total shows.
- Tim mentions his episode with Dr. Drew (Dr. Drew After Dark) dropped today and says it was fun to record.
Dr. DrewGood Night's Comedy ClubStress FactoryJeffrey EpsteinGo BananasThe Comedy StoreThe Stand