Episode 34 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Underground Economy
Feb 28, 2017 · 1:08:58 · 25 segments, 167 moments indexed
- 1 min
Cold Open: Being Replaced by the GAS Digital Studio
#Tim jokes that they're interviewing his replacement, then introduces co-host Ray Kump and sets up the recurring topic of Tim's building super Paul.
1moment
- 0:49GAS Digital is interviewing replacements for Tim and Ray at the studio.
- 4 min
Paul the Super: Skinhead Nazi Garbage Man Antics
#Tim details his ongoing feud/friendship with his building's aggressive bald super Paul, including the fake rooftop pool and Jacuzzi jokes, Paul's love of bobo burgers, a barbecue, a ceiling leak, and Paul's girlfriend overhearing him say he should be a comedian.
10moments
- 1:18Paul is a blue-collar Nazi garbage man who is aggressively confrontational about Tim being a comedian.
- 1:47Paul tells Tim his loud comedian behavior bothers girls downstairs, brags he makes $80,000 a year collecting garbage.
- 2:16Paul accuses Tim of excessive water usage and suspects he's washing a woman upstairs; Tim jokes about a rooftop pool.
- 2:40Tim tricks Paul by saying a sheet-covered pile of clothes is a Jacuzzi; Paul actually checks it to verify.
- 3:02Paul caught Tim in his bathrobe eating delicate miniature pastries and staring at rain, cannot understand this lifestyle.
- 3:20At a backyard barbecue, Paul discussed Bob burgers and questioned why Tim is a comedian instead of doing real work.
- 3:57Paul's girlfriend was present when he screamed about a ceiling leak and black mold, witnessed him suggest Tim should be a comedian.
- 4:21Paul constantly enters Tim's apartment uninvited, once demanded a step stool to inspect the ceiling despite it being visible in the kitchen.
- 4:32Paul calls to report he's running snakes and wires through the apartment; Tim no longer questions or cares what Paul does.
- 4:56Tim notes this is what life looks like without good credit and a job that's hard to verify—Paul's invasive landlord behavior is unfortunately normal.
- 2 min
Living Without Credit and the Underground Economy
#Tim explains his lifestyle of handshake-deal apartments, bad credit, and no documentation, arguing this environment of shady, trustworthy-of-no-one people produces the funniest material, including his landlord's story of stabbing her husband with a pen.
6moments
- 5:15Tim explains he doesn't have kids because his lifestyle choices would make parenthood a nightmare.
- 5:35He's lived his whole life in the underground economy, dealing in handshakes rather than formal credit.
- 5:52Brooklyn apartment hunting requires credit checks and documentation, forcing people to share with five roommates or sleep on couches.
- 6:13Tim has always gotten apartments on handshake deals with a couple months of security deposit.
- 6:35Why would any landlord take a risk on someone without documentation when so many applicants do have it?
- 6:51Operating outside the system means ending up wherever you end up, which Tim sees as tied to what makes him funny.
- 2 min
The Ukrainian Landlord Who Stabbed Her Husband
#More on the building owner's alleged stabbing incident with a pen, Tim's joking paranoia about the CIA coming for him because of the show, and his musing about finally pulling his credit report on air.
5moments
- 7:29The Ukrainian woman who owns this building stabbed her husband multiple times with a pen and somehow evaded jail.
- 7:49Tim came home after the Hootu Johnny episode and told his landlord that shady guys might come looking for him because of his radio show criticizing the government.
- 8:07She responded by saying she knows how it goes and has experience with the Stasi or whatever comes after people in Ukraine.
- 8:24Despite all this, Tim thinks she'd sell him out to the authorities immediately — she traded someone for a Bobcat.
- 8:44Tim regrets not having better credit and suggests running his credit report on the show as a bit.
Hootu Johnny
- 1 min
Credit Report Fantasy and GoFundMe Bit
#Tim riffs on running his actual credit report on the show, joking about a GoFundMe to cover an $800,000 goal for a house bought while 'cooked out.'
4moments
- 9:02Tim distinguishes between a real credit report site and free credit report dot com.
- 9:14Explaining how credit scores work: the three bureaus, taking the mid score, trade lines, and possible judgments.
- 9:34Tim launches into a GoFundMe bit imagining his credit report as a fundraiser: 'Goal eight hundred thousand dollars.'
- 9:44The bit escalates to nine hundred thousand dollars with an apology for buying a house while 'real cooked out' in 2007.
- 4 min
College Is a Scam: Student Loans, Tufts Protests, and Blue Collar Jobs
#Tim and Ray discuss radicalized college kids at Tufts, the student loan bubble ruining the incentive structure of higher ed, and how blue-collar trade jobs now often pay better than degree-requiring creative or media jobs.
9moments
- 10:02Tufts is a state school for rich people, and students there refuse to debate political issues.
- 10:58Tim argues that college is a failure—a four-year vacation resulting in degrees with little workplace value.
- 11:31Student loans removed the financial incentive to keep college affordable and accessible.
- 11:54College used to be something you could work through and pay off; now it costs $40,000 a year.
- 12:23Germany's education system uses different tracks and vocational training instead of pushing everyone toward university.
- 12:46Tim criticizes the elitist attitude toward blue-collar jobs like electrician and plumber, which now pay better than many college-degree careers.
- 13:06Electricians and plumbers earn more than people working at BuzzFeed and other online aggregators.
- 13:22Semi-creative jobs in comedy and writing are becoming scarcer, driving down wages as more people compete for fewer positions.
- 13:42Tim suggests young people should skip college and learn a trade like becoming an x-ray technician instead.
collegeTuftsstudent loansColumbiaOberlinWesleyanBuzzFeedGermany+2 more
- 3 min
Nassau and Suffolk Community College War Stories
#Tim and Ray swap stories about attending Nassau and Suffolk Community Colleges, including Buns and his great weed, getting high at the Roosevelt Field Mall parking lot, and general community college malaise.
7moments
- 14:10Nothing is sadder than being at Nassau Community College in your late 20s eating a burrito from Taco Bell in the food court
- 14:32Tim and guest both attended shitty Long Island community colleges just 20 minutes apart
- 15:00His friend Aaron filled out Tim's Nassau application because he was too checked out senior year
- 15:11Paralegal studies classes at Suffolk were full of 40-year-old women who wouldn't shut up about their law firm jobs
- 15:44Tim didn't get his driver's license until the end of first semester at Nassau Community College
- 15:58Lunch crew included a funny fat kid named Kenny with a hot girlfriend, a forgettable kid, and Buns who had exceptional weed
- 16:24The group never bonded enough to ask why Buns was called Buns, just went to Roosevelt Field Mall parking lot to get high and buy sandwiches
Nassau Community CollegeSuffolk UniversityRoosevelt Field mallBunsKenny
- 3 min
Being a Washed-Up Loser Back at Nassau in His Late 20s
#Tim describes returning to Nassau Community College in his late 20s to finish an associate's degree, the shame of being an adult among burnout classmates, and the various stereotypes of Long Island women he encountered there.
8moments
- 17:04Tim describes learning to do drugs in the middle of the day while managing obligations.
- 17:24Nassau Community College teachers knew their students were garbage people despite motivational talk.
- 17:54Tim had potential at 22 but teachers gradually realized over months he was a loser.
- 18:19Every teacher at Nassau Community College thinks they're going to save somebody.
- 18:31Nassau County embodies the worst stereotypes about Long Island.
- 19:09Attractive women use their looks as a trap to demand respect.
- 19:32The chubby loud girl with perfectly clean car and clothes but no self-control with food.
- 20:07These types of girls are all over Nassau Community College.
- 2 min
Volunteer Firemen, Local Warlords, and NCC's Future Cops
#Tim and Ray mock volunteer firemen as entitled local warlords, with Tim recounting getting nearly beaten up at a party for disrespecting a fire chief, tying it back to the kind of students Nassau produces.
7moments
- 20:20Young guys at community college know they're destined to become firemen or cops and are just biding time.
- 20:32They all talk about taking the Suffolk cop test because the pay is good.
- 20:49Tim: volunteer firemen are worse than FDNY, a culture of drunk 50-year-old fat guys in a frat.
- 21:06Tim got kicked out of a party for not showing enough respect to a drunk volunteer fire chief.
- 21:33The drunk chief screamed at him, flipped out, and threatened to stab and kill him over a perceived slight.
- 21:49Volunteer firemen act like local warlords with their own fiefdom, often friends with cops who won't arrest them.
- 22:02Nassau Community College is graduating these future cops and volunteer firemen.
volunteer firemanNassau Community CollegeFDNYCornell
- 3 min
Racquetball Class at 28 and the Hopelessness of Long Island
#Tim describes going back to community college at 28, taking a sad racquetball class because bowling and sailing filled up, and riffs on the specific, resilient stupidity bred by Long Island.
9moments
- 22:39The hopelessness of Long Island in your mid-twenties when you haven't done the right thing.
- 22:55Tim argues it's not geography keeping people down—it's just not doing the right thing, not systemic oppression.
- 23:14Nassau Community College graduates become waiters at the Cheesecake Factory, and that's the goal.
- 23:36Tim would write journalism assignments two hours before class and still get good grades by winging it.
- 23:55Stony Brook's campus had an Asian fusion buffet and pizza, and getting stoned to eat there was the college experience.
- 24:18You have to be very motivated to get out of there; it's a nightmarish environment.
- 24:53Community college students were just burnouts and fuck-ups; the place filtered for failure.
- 25:07Teachers walked in looking disgusted, and 90% of students didn't care—they just wanted jobs at Two Brothers Scrap Metal.
- 25:41Tim left for the mortgage industry, came back when his mom pushed him to finish, then realized an associate's degree is worse than no degree.
Long IslandNassau Community CollegeStony BrookCheesecake FactorySuffolk
- 4 min
Gym Class, the Gay-Straight Alliance, and Ex-Con Classmates
#More Nassau stories: taking gym/racquetball class as an adult, checking out the Gay-Straight Alliance, and meeting a classmate who'd done time, plus general observations about the desperate, dumb people at community college.
10moments
- 26:06Tim took gym class at age 28 at community college, dealing with team-picking anxiety like a teenager.
- 26:29Racquetball is something rich people do, but playing it at a community college in an indoor court is profoundly sad.
- 26:54The racquetball teacher gave up while Tim and other out-of-shape students were hitting the ball.
- 27:14Sailing was also offered and filled up, described as barely a gym class where students mostly just learn about currents.
- 28:00Getting out of his car at 28 and walking into community college was genuinely embarrassing.
- 28:23Attending community college felt like going to a halfway house after prison because everyone there was Billy Madison.
- 28:45Seeing classmates in the food court between classes, hearing about their lives—encountering someone almost 30 shouldn't be happening.
- 28:58Ex-con classmate explains he hit a cop, did six months, and now wants to get into business.
- 29:30Another student describes working at a tanning salon, eating OxyContin all day, vomiting in her car, and eventually crashing into a building.
- 29:47When asked what he did, Tim says he was a mortgage broker and is now a comedian—worse than everyone else's stories.
- 4 min
From Mortgage Broker to Comedian via Unemployment Insurance
#Tim explains riding 99 weeks of unemployment insurance while taking classes and starting stand-up at night after leaving the mortgage industry, contrasting his path with typical Long Island trajectories.
10moments
- 30:19Tim attended school for a couple years while collecting 99 weeks of unemployment insurance, then did comedy at night.
- 30:31Early comedy was exciting and fun but nothing was really going well.
- 30:49Tim asks about the gay scene at NASA and gets told it didn't have one, though they had a gay-straight alliance.
- 31:11The gay-straight alliance people were also a mess, nobody doing good there either.
- 31:21Tim was from a different generation—they were talking about coming out during a christening while he referenced the Broadway show Rent.
- 31:53One older classmate in his 30s had been in jail and was trying to get an education, but they never found out what he was in for.
- 32:30The really bad guys were just idiots—guys stealing credit cards and getting caught by the FBI for 10 years.
- 32:53Long Island breeds a specific type of dumb person, so dumb they could be doing a bit—completely unaware about elections.
- 33:20Long Islanders maintain their layer of dumb even when surrounded by information; they'll die before getting smarter.
- 33:40Long Island people eat Stromboli on a lawn chair in their backyard, going to see Good Rats or Billy Joel cover bands while doing coke with divorced gym teachers.
- 6 min
Long Island Culture, Debate Team, and Likability vs. Being Right
#Tim riffs on Long Island's proud ignorance, his debate team success and friend Kenny, then pivots into a discussion with Ray about George W. Bush's social intelligence and why being right or well-researched (citing Seymour Hersh, Jeremy Scahill, Chomsky) isn't enough without likability or media savvy.
12moments
- 34:38Long Island is the only place where people proudly tell you what they don't know and find it hilarious.
- 34:57Tim joined the debate team at Nassau Community College where he met Trent Webb, a funny and brilliant Black gay guy who had a huge impact on him.
- 35:28Met Kenny on the debate team, who later got Tim into mortgages before going to jail for a while.
- 35:38Tim won gold medals in debate competitions against kids going to Ivy League schools.
- 36:02Nassau people are rich and dumb, with terrible high school transcripts despite being able to afford private colleges.
- 36:40George W. Bush wouldn't have gone to Yale without his family name, but he has social intelligence that gets you further than pure intelligence in life.
- 37:07Tim beat Ivy League debate kids on likability rather than being right.
- 37:22Many outsider journalists and commentators on the show aren't likeable salesmen and don't present ideas in exciting ways people want to listen to.
- 37:41Being logical and reasonable isn't enough in this climate; the way you present information matters more than just being right.
- 38:28Friend pointed out that activists need to co-opt marketing and multimedia strategies like other movements do, not just hand out flyers and hope people listen.
- 39:23Researchers and documentarians feel correct because they've done the work, but you still have to find a way to exist in the current climate.
- 39:40Ann Coulter and Milo are more reasonable versions of provocateurs who actually get listened to compared to figures like Chomsky or Seymour Hersh.
Long IslandGeorge W. BushTrent WebbKennyNoam ChomskySeymour HershSuffolkJeremy Scahill+1 more
- 2 min
Chomsky, Milo, and the Bread Basket Feud with Jane Mayer
#Continuing the media-savvy debate, Tim and Ray discuss a friend's failed pitch to Noam Chomsky about modernizing activism, then Tim tells the story of angering journalist Jane Mayer by reaching into her bread basket at a bar.
6moments
- 40:37Nobody's telling you to be Milo Yiannopoulos, but plenty of guests have gone into dark areas and written things that don't help their credibility.
- 41:00These guys complain the mainstream media won't listen to them, but they don't even know how to send an email.
- 41:15Jane Mayer got mad because Tim stole bread from her at a bar on the Upper West Side years ago.
- 41:29Tim reached into a bread basket he thought was communal and Mayer told him it was hers.
- 41:48Mayer is an acclaimed investigative journalist who wrote Dark Side about Abu Ghraib and Dark Money about the Kochs.
- 42:07Tim shoved his dirty hand into her bread basket, and his response was to tell her to call the CIA.
Jane MayerThe New YorkerMilo YiannopoulosAbu GhraibRuss Baker
- 1 min
Drinking Alone During Occupy Wall Street
#Tim recalls getting drunk alone at a restaurant near Occupy Wall Street protests, chatting with an old man about the cops needing to break it up, and defends drinking alone at bars versus at home.
3moments
- 42:25Tim's favorite night ever was during Occupy Wall Street, drinking martinis alone at a restaurant on Park Avenue
- 42:51Tim used to love getting drunk by himself and meeting strangers at bars
- 43:03The definition of drinking alone as a sign of alcoholism actually means alone in your house, not at a bar
- 2 min
Dream Guests: Errol Morris and the Mises Institute
#Tim and Ray brainstorm potential future guests like Errol Morris and Austrian School economists, leading into Tim's riff about the Fed having a room full of gold where they muffle the screams of children.
6moments
- 43:45Tim pitches Errol Morris as a dream guest, noting he's a New York guy but unsure if he's busy enough to do the show.
- 44:21Suggestion to book speakers from the Mises Institute Austrian School of Economics, dismissed as potentially too highbrow for listeners.
- 44:35Tim argues the Federal Reserve is corrupt and there's more compelling material beyond just QE3 economics.
- 44:52Tim pivots hard: people don't want to hear Fed policy—they want content about children, implying the show needs darker, more sensational hooks.
- 45:11"The Fed has a room full of gold where they muffle the screams of young children" crystallizes as the show's actual logline.
- 45:24Tim imagines pitching that exact line to LA audiences on a first appearance, acknowledging the shock value it would generate.
Federal ReserveJP MorganMises InstituteErrol MorrisMartin Scorsese
- 1 min
Pitching Himself as Unpredictable to Managers
#Tim describes how his manager sends him into meetings not knowing what he'll say, embracing the idea that he'll either connect hard or completely bomb, comparing it to his wildcard reputation in high school.
3moments
- 45:43Tim's agent sends him to meetings where managers don't know what he'll say, and they apparently like that unpredictability.
- 46:02Tim pitches himself as the kind of person you send into a room where it either goes great or goes completely wrong, and he thinks managers are willing to take that chance.
- 46:21He compares his dynamic to high school, where he either really connected with people or didn't connect at all.
- 4 min
Getting Kicked Out of School Over the Uterus Threat
#Tim tells the story of trying to get prop guns from a girl for a homemade movie, getting kicked by her boyfriend, and yelling that he'd 'blow up her uterus,' leading to a trip to the principal's office.
8moments
- 46:50Tim and a friend were supposed to get guns from a girl whose father was a cop to use as props in a movie.
- 47:11In class, the girl mentioned the guns while people joked about having an anti-aircraft gun and elephant gun.
- 47:33Her boyfriend kicked Tim, thinking he was hitting on her.
- 47:45Tim yelled "I'm going to blow up your uterus" — he describes it as poetry.
- 48:47Tim thinks he was making the girl uncomfortable with weird comments, and her boyfriend realized the tension.
- 49:21Tim went to the boyfriend's locker afterward to make amends and straighten things out.
- 49:34Tim was hopped up on caffeine and diet coke before class, which contributed to his behavior.
- 50:02When the dean of students asked about the situation, Tim told her not to worry about it.
- 4 min
Running Through the Halls and Accidentally Decking Mr. Svek
#Tim recounts his habit of darting through school hallways, culminating in accidentally clotheslining a security guard named Mr. Svek, plus Ray's story of a gym teacher's second-grade meltdown.
10moments
- 50:19Tim was incredibly popular in school, so students would defend him when he got in trouble.
- 50:32Tim used to run through the hallways bouncing off walls, partly because he couldn't stand being in crowds.
- 50:58The image of Tim moving quickly through space involves angles, bounces, and pivots.
- 51:18If someone saw Tim running through Penn Station, they'd assume he'd just done something horrific.
- 51:43Mr. Svek, a security guard with a limp, grabbed Tim from behind in the hallway.
- 52:01Tim threw his shoulder back to get free, turning around to see he'd accidentally decked Mr. Svek.
- 52:22Mr. Svek, humiliated at being knocked down by a fat kid, told Tim to just go to lunch and never speak of it.
- 52:44Harvey Calum, a second-grade gym teacher, grabbed Tim by the ears and had a breakdown about respect and maturity.
- 53:52Harvey Calum retired the year after his breakdown incident with Tim.
- 54:04Tim suspects his own behavior may have pushed Harvey Calum over the edge into retirement.
Harvey CalumPenn Station
- 3 min
Teachers Don't Have It That Hard, and the Sprinkle Cup Incident
#Tim argues teaching isn't actually the hardest job, recalls a wisecrack to his Spanish teacher about not wanting to become a teacher, and tells the story of making lunch lady Fran cry over sprinkle cups, resulting in a suspension slip citing 'treating the lunch aides like subhumans.'
6moments
- 54:09Tim's Spanish teacher threatened to fail him for walking in late to class.
- 55:08Tim tells Miss Sanzado he won't be late to his real job because he won't be a teacher like her.
- 55:51Tim admits he loved when his teacher would come back at him during their exchanges.
- 56:12His friend argues the teacher was better than Tim, who dismisses the claim as insane.
- 56:30Tim defends that it's fine to be a teacher but resents the idea that trying something else means failure.
- 56:41Teachers making six figures just to hand out folders is what Tim has had enough of.
Miss Sanzado
- 6 min
Tim runs through his upcoming tour dates (South by Southwest, Glasgow, Brokers, Caroline's, Long Island, Houston) while ribbing Ray for running nine minutes over the light at a past comedy contest.
9moments
- 56:50Teachers get summers off and great lunches but are overrated compared to other jobs.
- 57:25Tim got kicked out of school and learned never to explain yourself rationally to authority.
- 58:15Principal accused Tim of making a joke about going to war to kill Black people, which he denies.
- 59:06Lunch lady named Ronnie was so mentally disabled they put her on door duty and students tricked her into opening it.
- 59:29Tim made lunch lady Fran cry by telling her to shut up after handing out unlimited frozen yogurt sprinkles.
- 59:57Suspension slip stated Tim was suspended for treating lunch aides like subhumans.
- 1:00:49Ray ran the light by nine minutes at a comedy contest because Tim was yelling in his ear during the rules explanation.
- 1:02:03Tim is performing at South by Southwest in mid-March.
- 1:02:31Caroline's in New York March 19th, Brokers Long Island March 30th through April 2nd, Come and Get It Fast Houston.
Glasgow Comedy FestivalCarolinesSouth by SouthwestBrokersLong IslandFranRonnieBrittany
- 2 min
Pitching the Next Buffet Episode
#Tim and Ray brainstorm the next terrible buffet to review for the show, recalling the East Meadow hot buffet episode and the horrifying chicken skin at Midtown Buffet.
5moments
- 1:02:58Tim pitches doing a Breakfast Buffet episode at a place in Uniondale.
- 1:03:11Discussion of backup options including Chinese buffets and finding places with horror elements.
- 1:03:35The Pizza Buffet episode was funny but the food was bad; they want to try nicer buffets.
- 1:03:50Midtown Buffet described as the worst buffet in the world, with a disturbing story about bald chicken and floating skin.
- 1:04:11Tim considers doing Midtown Buffet as an episode despite how bad it is.
Midtown BuffetEastPizza at Lunch buffetBreakfast BuffetRainier shineHuntington Mall
- 2 min
J.K. Rowling, Steinbeck, and Jeb Bush Steering the Plane Into a Mountain
#Tim rants about J.K. Rowling becoming a social justice scold compared to old-school writers like Steinbeck, then riffs on Jeb Bush as the ideal president who'd calmly fly the plane into a mountain versus Trump's chaotic turbulence.
3moments
- 1:04:26J.K. Rowling has become an old social justice warrior lecturing everybody despite her wealth coming from a world that doesn't appreciate literature.
- 1:05:00Tim imagines telling John Steinbeck to write about wizards and ghosts instead of serious literature—Steinbeck would punch him in the gut.
- 1:05:23Tim says he's sick of J.K. Rowling and everybody else because there are no good guys anymore and we're living in the end.
JK RowlingJeb BushJohn SteinbeckJames Joyce
- 1 min
Closing plugs for guest prospect Annie Jacobson and a teaser about Tim's own in-progress science fiction spy book, wrapped into the sign-off.
4moments
- 1:06:04Tim asks listeners to rate and review the show on iTunes and follow on social media.
- 1:06:17Tim announces plans to get Annie Jacobson on the show, a writer who covers Pentagon secrets and DARPA.
- 1:06:28Tim reveals he's working on a book—a science fiction novel about spies.
- 1:06:39Guest jabs at Tim's previous solo episode attempt, calling it bad.
- 2 min
Postmortem on Ray's Disastrous Solo Episode on Adderall
#Tim and Ray debrief a previous failed solo episode Ray recorded after staying up two days on Adderall, comparing it to OJ Simpson calling his lawyer, and debating whether to ever revisit or unpack the tape.
6moments
- 1:06:57Tim says Ray's solo episode was a real failure, comparing it to starting work on September 10th.
- 1:07:28Ray admits he's not saying the idea doesn't need re-evaluation, but the execution wasn't conducive.
- 1:07:39Tim asks whether taking Adderall for two days straight without sleep before the episode was smart.
- 1:07:49Ray explains he took Adderall while riffing and talking with Tim, calling it work.
- 1:08:08Ray says Tim called him afterwards like OJ Simpson calling Al Cowlings to confess.
- 1:08:31Ray rates the episode as one of the worst things he's ever done professionally.