Episode 23 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
We Are The News
Dec 13, 2016 · 1:01:44 · 17 segments, 122 moments indexed
- 2 min
Pedophile Santa Sketch and Joe Rogan's Pizzagate Advice
#Tim jokes about a tasteless pedophile Santa Christmas sketch idea and imagines pitching it to his manager, then recalls Joe Rogan telling him his podcast will forever be associated with Pizzagate.
7moments
- 0:45Tim explains his approach to the pedophile Santa sketch: trying to fuck kids, but artfully and tastefully, like Mapplethorpe.
- 0:57The premise: Tim is at the mall as Santa, clearly a pedophile, but they're using code.
- 1:10Tim tells his manager the key to selling the sketch is the lighting.
- 1:26The sound design matters more — if you can't hear someone trying to fuck a kid, people won't be happy.
- 1:41Tim and his team have actually tried to get this sketch on air multiple times.
- 1:52They considered replacing the kids and going a different direction, but nothing worked.
- 2:14Tim accepted Rogan's suggestion without argument, figuring that's their brand now.
Joe RoganPizza Gate
- 3 min
Toronto Dark Comedy Festival and the Headshot-Signing Weirdo
#Tim recounts opening for Andrew Schulz at a Toronto comedy festival, a fan who wanted his friend's pedophile ring story told, and a strange man who collects and sells comedians' signed headshots hoping they'll become famous.
6moments
- 2:32Tim opened for Andrew Schultz at the Toronto Dark Comedy Festival.
- 3:20Tim headlined Saturday night for 15 to 17 people at the festival.
- 3:36Someone cornered Tim to tell him their friend was in a pedophile ring.
- 4:34The woman co-headlining explained the guy's scheme: he prints headshots of people he thinks will get famous, then waits for them to pop.
- 4:51Tim figures a signed headshot probably isn't worth much—maybe 100 bucks at best.
- 5:09Signed celebrity headshots aren't actually valuable, despite how common they are in New York pizzerias.
Andrew SchulzBrilliant IdiotsTorontoDanny AielloRob MaywhoAmy SchumerCharlemagneTodd Barry+1 more
- 2 min
The Diaper Comment and Canadians Being Overly Sensitive
#Tim calls out Ray for accidentally saying he wanted a baby's diaper instead of a tampon, then pivots into how oversensitive and anti-American Canadian audiences are during his shows.
5moments
- 5:40Tim highlights the accidental innuendo when someone mentioned having a baby's diaper.
- 6:01Shannon reports finding celebrity headshots for sale on eBay, including one listed for $89 near Toronto.
- 6:40Tim pivots to explaining how to make real money: get a van and some guys instead of collecting memorabilia.
- 7:04Tim describes doing shows in Canada and notes the food at Liberty shawarma is good but makes people fart.
- 7:20Canadians obsessively want you to know they're not American, a trait that may have intensified since Trump.
- 3 min
NATO Protects Canada, and the Air Canada Flight Cancellation Nightmare
#Tim argues Canada coasts on NATO protection, then tells the story of Air Canada canceling his flight home from Toronto with no warning, leading to an 11-hour drive back to New York that ended in a beloved Wawa stop.
7moments
- 8:04Tim argues that Canada has benefited tremendously from sitting on top of America and would be in danger without U.S. protection.
- 8:27NATO protects Holland and Denmark, yet Canada gets to relax while the U.S. bears the burden of continental defense.
- 9:07Air Canada cancels multiple flights without proper notification, leaving passengers stranded in Toronto.
- 9:27Air Canada blames the U.S. government for grounded planes at LaGuardia despite minimal snow, refusing accountability.
- 9:48Tim criticizes Air Canada for failing to alert passengers about cancellations and offering only a 6 a.m. rebooking or expensive business class alternatives.
- 10:12Tim and companions rent a large SUV and drive eleven hours from Toronto to New York City instead of waiting.
- 10:24Tim drops cookie dough from a parfait all over the back seat during the drive, with his companion picking them up and joking about the mess.
Air CanadaCanadaNATOWawaMexicoBrooklynLaGuardiaNew York City+4 more
- 6 min
Tim connects Jimmy John's and Quiznos disgust to news that Carl's Jr.'s CEO (who bragged that machines don't discriminate or get sick) is becoming Labor Secretary, then reads a long string of absurd customer complaint tweets sent to Carl's Jr.'s guest services account.
11moments
- 11:17The head of Carl's Jr. is now going to be the Labor Secretary.
- 11:47Carl's Jr. CEO's quote about replacing workers with machines: they're always polite, never take vacations, never show up late, no discrimination cases.
- 12:36Tim riffs on machines not being able to upsell meals with lesions.
- 13:22Reading Carl's Jr. Twitter posts, which are mostly customer complaints.
- 13:33Carl's Jr. tweeted about beer cheese burgers affecting blood alcohol content.
- 14:15Customer complained about Carl's Jr. in Santee, California having terrible food and racial bigotry from employees.
- 14:36Tim imagines what Carl's Jr. guest services would sound like handling complaints.
- 15:11Carl's Jr. burger topped with bacon, bacon jam, and bacon crumbles — multiple layers of bacon.
- 16:03Tim finds Twitter complaints about Carl's Jr. food being disgusting.
- 16:20Customer tweet describes fries looking like one is defiling a dead fry.
- 16:45Carl's Jr. Twitter account is essentially a complaint feed, and this CEO will be Labor Secretary.
Carl's Jr.Jimmy John'sDonald TrumpQuiznosSantee, California
- 5 min
More Carl's Jr. Guest Services Tweets and a Prank Call
#Tim continues reading increasingly bizarre Carl's Jr. complaint tweets about missing lettuce, blood in stool, and racist employees, then decides to call the actual Carl's Jr. guest services line live on air.
10moments
- 17:04Tim reacts to a Carl's Jr. customer complaining that a patty was replaced by lettuce, expressing faux outrage about the restaurant substituting rat meat.
- 17:31The lettuce in the photo might actually be a wrapper or cabbage end, suggesting the customer may have never seen real lettuce before.
- 18:10Carl's Jr. guest services tweets show a pattern of canned responses like "we're sorry you had this experience" to all complaints.
- 18:35Tim identifies Eric Pudzer as the person behind Carl's Jr.'s Twitter account, amused by the idea of him tweeting responses to every complaint.
- 19:18Discussing a burned burger tweet, Tim mentions his friend's father was a prison chef who saw five burned bodies in the morgue during housing project fires.
- 19:53A customer with allergies requested no tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, or pickles, but received all of them on the burger, leading Tim to suggest allergic customers simply not eat Carl's Jr.
- 20:38A photo shows a meat patty with strange sesame seed-like texture made of fat, which Tim describes as just shitty meat.
- 20:58One complaint claims the burger caused someone to shit blood for twelve hours, and they're asking for a coupon as compensation.
- 21:08Tim decides to call Carl's Jr. guest services at 877-799-7827 to see if the number is real and what happens.
- 21:37Before making the call, Tim questions whether the phone number he's about to dial even exists.
Carl's Jr.Eric Pudzer
- 4 min
Prank Calling Carl's Jr. Guest Services
#Tim (in character) prank calls Carl's Jr.'s real guest services line with an escalating fake complaint about being called a racial slur and beaten, demanding coupons and barbecue sauce, tying it back to the CEO becoming Labor Secretary.
8moments
- 21:53Tim opens the prank with medical questions: Were you beaten? Was there blood on the nachos? What color is your stool?
- 22:34Complaint about the triple bacon burger missing one of its three promised bacon types, and the worker response.
- 23:13The worker allegedly smacked him and called him a slur, despite him not being Asian.
- 23:37Tim defends the worker as probably frustrated, but still finds the smacking and name-calling excessive.
- 24:12Escalating demands: coupons for Christmas dinner, then 30 or 40 barbecue sauces and ranch sent by mail.
- 24:38Claims the kids were traumatized and there's blood in his and his husband's stool as justification for compensation.
- 25:10Tim pivots to questioning how the Carl's Jr. CEO can run the company while becoming Labor Secretary.
- 25:29Tim ends the call by asking the representative their name.
Carl's Jr.Labor SecretaryHillary
- 1 min
Hardee's and Carl's Jr.'s Sexual Advertising
#Tim and Ray discuss whether Hardee's is classier than Carl's Jr. and mock the company's sexually suggestive advertising campaigns, calling out its CEO's defiant attitude about them.
2moments
- 26:04Hardee's and Carl's Jr. run sexually suggestive ads, with the CEO saying they don't care if people find them inappropriate.
- 26:20Tim notes that conservatives pick Carl's Jr., then describes their ads as basically three women saying they like things both ways in their face.
- 12 min
John Brennan, Russian Interference, and Pizzagate/FBI Conspiracy Theories
#Tim and guest discuss CIA director John Brennan's warnings about Russia, spiraling into skepticism of mainstream media reporting, FBI/CIA turf wars around the Clinton email investigation, WikiLeaks-fueled Pizzagate coup theories, and the unreliability of journalism broadly.
11moments
- 26:59Tim notes that Russia interfering in other countries' affairs is exactly what the CIA does, comparing Brennan's complaint to the agency's own historical operations.
- 27:47WikiLeaks releases were accurate and true, but the FBI's response to the emails—reopening the Clinton investigation—may have been the more decisive factor in the election.
- 28:30Pizzagate conspiracy theorists speculated the FBI had seen heinous Clinton criminal activity—human trafficking included—so horrific they staged a coup by releasing information to prevent her presidency.
- 29:41Liberal supporters now call CIA officials "intelligence professionals," conveniently forgetting they spent years calling the same people war profiteers and murderers.
- 30:28FBI terrorism cases are riddled with entrapment, featuring situations where suspects mysteriously possess weapons or were somehow present during plots they claim to know nothing about.
- 31:41The New York Times claims about Russian interference are based on unnamed sources and provide no actual evidence, relying instead on assertions to "take our word for it."
- 32:51The problem isn't just that major outlets have an agenda—it's that they've been dead wrong repeatedly and pushed false narratives for years without real consequences.
- 33:33Journalists like Jason Blair at the New York Times fabricated stories by submitting fake notes; editorial staff never assume they're being lied to and perform only pro forma vetting.
- 34:11Alternative media creators now operate as news sources for millions, filling a void left by institutional journalism's collapse into unreliability and propaganda.
- 37:13Every president and CIA operative probably believes they're acting for the greater good—even those responsible for assassinations and coups they justify as necessary for national security.
- 38:35The 1953 CIA coup in Iran was framed to operatives as stopping communism, concealing that it was actually orchestrated at BP's behest to secure oil rights.
John BrennanBarack ObamaNew York TimesJason BlairTa-Nehisi CoatesIranWikiLeaksThe Washington Post+6 more
- 3 min
Speculating That John Brennan Is a Secret Muslim Convert
#Tim and his guest discuss rumors that CIA director John Brennan secretly converted to Islam while a station chief, citing his non-Bible oath as fuel for the theory, while acknowledging it's baseless speculation.
6moments
- 39:09John Brennan looks like the sheriff from The Big Lebowski.
- 39:47Tim addresses the vetting problem: he chooses what to put on the show without fact-checking, and asks listeners not to go shoot up pizza places or Carl's Jr.
- 40:08Speculation that John Brennan converted to Islam while serving as a station chief in Saudi Arabia.
- 40:34Former agency people claim it was "kind of well known" that Brennan was a convert.
- 40:49The evidence fueling speculation: Brennan took his CIA director oath on the Constitution instead of the Bible, like every other CIA director.
- 41:17Tim addresses Brennan directly, saying he has nothing but respect for him and loves halal food.
John BrennanKevin Fentonintelligence work before 9-11
- 2 min
They play and react to an actual BBC News clip of John Brennan warning Trump against trusting Russian promises and cautioning on Iran and rhetoric around Islam.
3moments
- 41:47John Brennan, CIA director, condemns Russian and Syrian slaughter of civilians as outrageous.
- 42:35Tim asks who Brennan is talking to during the clip.
- 42:53Brennan warns that tearing up the Iran nuclear agreement would be disastrous and almost unprecedented.
- 6 min
Obama's Drone War, Aleppo, and the Syria Proxy War
#Tim and his guest discuss John Brennan as architect of Obama's drone war, debate the morality of the Syrian conflict and Aleppo's fall, and speculate whether the US is deliberately prolonging the war as a proxy Cold War against Russia.
11moments
- 44:28John Brennan is the major architect of Obama's drone war.
- 45:06Obama is known for the kind of prudent drone war—blow up that wedding.
- 45:22Tim questions why the U.S. funds Syrian rebels without giving them enough resources to actually win.
- 45:42The U.S. is partially to blame for the massacre in Aleppo.
- 46:06Aleppo fell last night; people are being raped and killed in the streets.
- 46:30Russia backs Assad, but the U.S. is also helping the rebels without committing fully.
- 46:54Tim argues the U.S. keeps the fight going without helping either side actually win.
- 47:20Why has removing Assad become the focal point of U.S. foreign policy in Syria?
- 47:44This looks like a purposeful stalemate—is it about pipelines, resources, or keeping another theater of operations open?
- 48:22The U.S. took a hard line on Putin, which isolates him and backs him into a corner instead of achieving anything.
- 49:05Tim complains about a disgusting Oreo milkshake texture from a restaurant.
John BrennanAleppoBarack ObamaBashar al-AssadVladimir PutinSyriaGeorge W. Bushdrone war+1 more
- 1 min
Back to Carl's Jr. Complaints: Steak Burritos and Beatings
#Tim reads a few final absurd Carl's Jr. complaint tweets, including a customer beaten in a restroom, before comparing the chain unfavorably to Taco Bell and Jack in the Box.
5moments
- 49:35Caller ordered a bacon egg burrito but was charged for and received a steak burrito instead, only discovering it halfway to work.
- 49:55The grilled steak burrito cost $3.99 more, and Carl's Jr. staff simply fucked him in the street without explanation.
- 50:11Caller mentions being beaten half to death in the Carl's Jr. restroom during the same visit.
- 50:23Tim questions why anyone keeps giving Carl's Jr. a chance after the caller describes their beer cheese fries as incredibly disgusting.
- 50:36Tim recalls a Jack-in-the-Box in his hometown where one customer got diarrhea and nobody returned after that.
- 4 min
Diner Nostalgia and the Lost Art of the Open-Face Sandwich
#Tim reminisces about a great tuna melt at Eisenberg's, debates diner etiquette around open-face sandwiches, and mourns the decline of good, affordable New York diner food alongside memories of his old diner order.
10moments
- 50:53Tim had a great tuna melt at Eisenberg's, an old luncheonette by the Flatiron Building with open-face preparation and coleslaw.
- 51:12Open-face sandwiches: eat with a knife and fork, or pick up like french bread pizza—or fold it and potentially look like an asshole.
- 51:26The genius of open-face: restaurants only put one layer of cheese on a closed sandwich, but when you order it open-face, they have to add the other cheese.
- 52:09Missing diners: Long Island had killer diners, but the quality of cheap New York food has collapsed unless you spend serious money.
- 52:38People don't know better anymore so they eat mediocre diner food anyway, dropping fifty bucks for something that's fried gristle.
- 52:54Hipsters treat diners like some novelty experience, but the areas where they actually live have no diners.
- 53:15Tim's stepmother's sister makes a feast of seven fishes for Christmas Eve—calamari, scungilli, shrimp scampi—though she throws it all out at once instead of course by course.
- 53:42The shrimp scampi uses garlic powder with real garlic and a pound of butter because being trashy is what makes it good.
- 54:06When Tim's parents divorced, his stepmother's family—complete strangers like someone named Ben—showed up, and now he has to spend Christmas next to people he never met.
- 54:24Meeting his stepmother's family at Christmas leads to strangers asking if he's a comedian and bringing up Jerry Seinfeld.
Eisenberg'sdinersOlympic DinerLibbyFlat Iron BuildingRay Cump
- 2 min
Feast of the Seven Fishes and Awkward Family Christmas
#Tim describes his stepmother's family's chaotic Italian Christmas Eve seafood feast and an awkward encounter with a stranger named Ben at a blended-family holiday gathering.
6moments
- 55:05Tim reflects on the reality of the holidays and family dynamics.
- 55:18Smith and Wollenski's steakhouse does a private room on Christmas Day.
- 55:38The restaurant serves cold shellfish platters, lobster, shrimp, and crab meat cocktail on Christmas.
- 55:52Smith and Wollenski's does probably 1,000 or more dinners on Christmas Day, making hundreds of thousands of dollars.
- 56:10He and his mom drove around Long Island for two hours trying to get a restaurant reservation on Christmas.
- 56:22Half the restaurants were closed; the open ones had been booked for months.
Smith and Wielinski'sAaron BergDonald Trump
- 3 min
Holiday Plans, Smith & Wollensky's, and Ray's First Plane Trip
#Tim and Ray discuss Christmas dinner plans at Smith & Wollensky's, recall a past Christmas scrambling for a restaurant reservation, and joke about sending 63-year-old Ray on his first-ever plane trip to Minnesota.
11moments
- 56:52Tim wants to escape to 75-degree weather in January.
- 57:11Ray has never been on a plane despite being 63 years old.
- 57:25Tim invites audience to tweet suggestions for where Ray should travel on his first flight.
- 57:41Minnesota's attractions include Mall of America, Nickelodeon Universe, and Como Park Zoo.
- 58:02Tim doubts Ray's first plane trip will end well.
- 58:21Tim mentions upcoming tour dates and directs listeners to his new website.
- 58:36Website built by a young podcast guest named Alex who's a Pokemon fan.
- 59:00Tim lists social media handles and announces Caroline's New Year's Eve show.
- 59:19Confusion over the correct website URL derails the promotional segment.
- 59:34Ray supposedly runs a dark web site featuring satanic snuff films he narrates.
- 59:58Running joke about Ray narrating violent films with absurdist commentary on filmmaking technique.
CarolinesRay KumpMinnesotaAtlantaMall of AmericaChicagoLos Angeles
- 2 min
Tim runs through housekeeping: the new Tim Dillon Comedy website, upcoming live shows, a New Year's Eve gig at Caroline's, and asks listeners to subscribe, rate, and tweet merch ideas before closing the show.
3moments
- 1:00:27Tim announces live shows coming in the new year and mentions taking the podcast on the road in a van.
- 1:00:57Tim directs listeners to subscribe on GasDigital.com and iTunes, rate, and review the show.
- 1:01:12He solicits merch ideas from listeners and jokes about selling jars with insects inside instead of clothing.