Episode 404 · The Studio Revamp
Tim Walz The Funnel Cake Dad | The Tim Dillon Show #404
Aug 10, 2024 · 1:12:15 · 733,000 views · 24 segments, 144 moments indexed
Tim goes off about a young Hollywood party, aging out of hating, Tim Walz, Minnesota, a dirty Olympic river, the National Guard, rich best friends and lizard skin suits.
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- 3 min
The Variety Young Hollywood Power Summit
#Tim recounts attending the Variety Young Hollywood Power Impact Summit, describing Sabrina Carpenter's vapid acceptance speech and his declining capacity to hate people as he gets older, with a detour comparing himself to an aging Trump.
7moments
- Tim attended the Variety Young Hollywood Power Summit at the Proper Hotel in Santa Monica, an event he doesn't usually get invited to.
- Tim notes he could get invited to these events if he wanted to, but they're mainly for TikTokers and influencers.
- Addison Ray, his co-star from Thanksgiving, was at the event wearing a Madonna top.
- Sabrina Carpenter, a massive pop star Tim keeps hearing in Ubers, was there looking like she was 3D printed to be a pop star.
- Every time Tim gets in an Uber, he asks the driver who a song is by, and it's always Sabrina Carpenter.
- Carpenter received the first award and gave a generic acceptance speech thanking her team and telling people to follow their dreams.
- Matt Friend, the impressionist, hosted the event; Tim used to hate him but recently made peace with him.
- 3 min
Matt Friend Bombs Hosting the Awards Show
#Tim describes comedian Matt Friend struggling to host the young, hot, wealthy TikTok/influencer crowd who have no need for comedy, contrasting it to Chris Rock, Letterman, and Ricky Gervais successfully hosting similar rooms.
4moments
- Tim reflects on losing the energy to hate people in large quantities as he gets older, contrasting his current capacity with his younger self who would dedicate 45 minutes to hating someone at a bar.
- Matt Friend, an impressionist and older comedian Tim previously had a misunderstanding with, hosted an awards show and bombed in front of a tough crowd.
- The venue was filled with TikTokers and aspiring TikTokers trying to figure out the app, plus young attractive actors on a rooftop in LA.
- Even Sabrina Carpenter was in the audience questioning who hired Matt Friend, though Tim argues the gig itself was virtually unwinnable.
- 5 min
Marcelo's Family and Finding the Charm in Maduro
#Tim talks about his friend Marcelo being honored and meeting his family, leading into a riff on Venezuela's Maduro, arguing he finds the dictator charming despite the coup and violence, and speculating the US is secretly fine with him.
6moments
- Award show hosting doesn't work because young celebrities don't need comedy—they're already wealthy and happy, with their lives already fantastic.
- Young hot people on roofs at events think they're millionaires by proximity even when they aren't, so they don't connect with performers trying to entertain them.
- Tim has hosted corporate events in difficult crowds but never anything like young Hollywood variety shows.
- Friend Marcelo, a funny comedian, got honored and brought his parents to the event.
- The argument for finding the good in people and spreading positivity, even when discussing someone conducting a military coup.
- The U.S. publicly condemns Maduro but likely supports him privately for stability and oil interests.
Nicolás MaduroRicky GervaisChris RockMarcelMatt RoweJames CharlesVenezuela
- 5 min
Josh Shapiro vs Tim Walz for VP
#Tim explains why Kamala Harris chose Tim Walz over Josh Shapiro as VP, framing it around the Democratic Party's internal Jewish/Muslim tension over Israel-Gaza, and mocking Doug Emhoff as an irrelevant "first husband."
8moments
- Tim introduces Tim Walz as 'funnel cake dad' and 'the king of the Great Lakes,' Minnesota's folky VP candidate.
- Tim discloses his biases: he hates Minnesota, lakes, freshwater, and the Great Lakes' cold radical culture masked by boring surfaces.
- Democrats wanted Josh Shapiro as Kamala's VP pick but she passed; Tim notes Shapiro covered up a murder involving one of his donors.
- The measure of a man is whether he'd prosecute his friend or donor if they killed someone—a test Shapiro failed.
- Shapiro's open Zionism creates a problem for Harris trying to win Michigan without angering Muslim voters.
- Josh Shapiro looks like he was 3D printed as a Jew; he's legitimately Zionist, unlike performative identity politicians.
- Kamala has to twerk around the Israel-Palestine issue, which is a major problem for Democrats with young voters.
- Young Democrats don't want to back Israel at all costs, making Shapiro an impossible VP choice for the ticket.
Josh ShapiroTim WalzKamala HarrisIsrael-Palestine conflictDoug EmhoffCandace Owens
- 6 min
Funnel Cake Dad: Tim Walz's Great Lakes Origin Story
#Tim builds out his "funnel cake dad" bit for Tim Walz, mocking Minnesota/Great Lakes culture, comparing Walz to Jed Bartlet, and diving into the 2020 Minneapolis riots and Walz's delayed National Guard response.
8moments
- Tim Walz is from Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
- Funnel cake dad is the folksy history teacher with no money that the Democratic party thinks should be president.
- Walz waited a day before calling in the National Guard during the 2020 Minneapolis riots, letting people get it out of their system first.
- Tim reveals that Walz and his wife have virtually no money—no stocks, bonds, nothing—which he finds deeply interesting.
- Gwen Walz recalls keeping her windows open to smell the burning tires during the riots because it felt like a touchstone of what was happening.
- Tim characterizes Minnesota people—especially pale standup comedians—as deeply sick and something being fundamentally wrong with all of them.
- Walz got out of the National Guard before they were sent to Iraq, unlike JD Vance who went as a military reporter.
- Walz dropped out of the Guard right before deployment to Iraq to run for Congress and become funnel cake dad telling people to play soccer with Somali immigrants.
Tim WalzGwen WalzJD VanceMinnesota2020 Minneapolis riotsGeorge Floyd
- 2 min
Gwen Walz and the Burning Tires Quote
#Tim plays and reacts to Gwen Walz's clip about enjoying the smell of burning tires during the 2020 riots, calling it deeply strange and psychopathic, and comparing the Walz household's dynamic to Josh Shapiro's scandal-covering competence.
7moments
- Rich people are bored by normal life and get excited by riots and chaos like smelling burning tires.
- Tim would prefer Josh Shapiro covering up murders to the current VP and his wife.
- Tim dismisses the DUI criticism of Tim Walz, claiming he's driven under the influence without it affecting his driving.
- Court transcript from Walz's 1995 DUI arrest describes strong odor of alcohol on his breath, contradicting his claim he wasn't drunk.
- Tim argues Walz throws back drinks because he's not driven by money and has nothing else going on.
- Dinner with Trump would be fun, Kamala would be drunk and giggling like your friend's mom, but Walz and Vance would be a nightmare.
- Walz and Vance would lecture you at dinner and allude to themselves in the third person.
- 2 min
Tim covers Tim Walz's old DUI story, arguing it's overblown, then riffs on which candidates would be fun versus miserable to have dinner with, contrasting Trump and Kamala's looseness against Walz and Vance's lecturing.
4moments
- Minnesota is the land of Ilhan Omar and other progressive figures — Kamala picked Walz to establish her bonafides with funnel cake dads and burning tire moms.
- Tim doesn't love either region governing the country — not the progressive Lake Region people who burn tires, nor the advanced region types who smoke breakfast cereal from pipes.
- Kamala is from Brentwood, Trump is in Palm Beach and New York, so by region Tim finds the Lake Region disturbing.
- The appeal of keeping windows open to smell burning tires felt like an important moment worth doing.
- 1 min
Standard sponsor read for ExpressVPN covering data broker tracking, public Wi-Fi hacking risks, and multi-device protection.
3moments
- Data brokers track online activity and personal information, selling it to corporations and government agencies for a $300 billion industry.
- ExpressVPN hides your IP address to prevent data brokers from tracking your activity and accessing personal information.
- Public Wi-Fi leaves you vulnerable to hackers who can reroute connections and steal personal information with basic-level hacking.
- 2 min
Tim expresses surprise that people are actually watching the Olympics despite his negativity, then discusses athletes getting sick swimming in the contaminated Seine River and jokes about a future LA Olympics engulfed in wildfire smoke.
6moments
- Tim expresses depression about the Olympics' popularity despite his negativity about the games being pointless and past their prime.
- Athletes got sick after swimming in the Seine River in Paris, with some hospitalized.
- Tim predicts the LA Olympics in four years will be chaotic with fires and black smoke obscuring events like pole vault.
- The Seine River's bacterial levels have been in flux, forcing test swims to be cancelled and the men's triathlon delayed.
- Water quality tests revealed dangerous levels of fecal bacteria and E. coli in the river.
- The solution, according to Tim, is to move the Olympics completely indoors and probably online.
- 6 min
Quitting the San Vicente Bungalows
#Tim explains why he canceled his membership to the exclusive San Vicente Bungalows club, arguing that physical social clubs and scenes are pointless now that everyone's status is measured by social media followers instead of in-person cachet.
9moments
- Tim quit his membership at the San Vicente Bungalows in Los Angeles after realizing it was pointless despite the $5,000 yearly fee.
- The club puts stickers on non-members' phone cameras to prevent them from photographing famous guests, treating them like animals.
- Tim argues these exclusive clubs no longer matter because everyone already sees what celebrities are doing online—there's no whisper campaign that starts at the San Vicente anymore.
- These club memberships are dilettante spaces where people who aren't creative want to be around creative people, all of it an act of desperation.
- Modern Hollywood status is purely digital—who has followers determines who's in or out, making traditional agents and managers irrelevant.
- Agents and managers who used to hold real power now wander around like corpses, comparing them to a line from The Ferryman about undead souls waiting for the ferryman.
- These industry gatekeepers have become the undead wandering Earth waiting for the ferryman to take them to the underworld because they serve no purpose anymore.
- Everything in entertainment is now controlled by algorithms and numbers, with no meaningful conversation possible outside of pointing at a phone and showing who you got.
- Occasionally a brand deal gets cooked up over mocktails, but that's the extent of what these people do anymore.
San Vicente BungalowsSoho HouseThe Ferrymansocial mediaLA ClubJez ButterworthSam MendesFiona Flanagan+1 more
- 3 min
The Ferryman and the Undead Hollywood Agents
#Tim tries to recall a quote from the play The Ferryman about souls wandering the earth, using it as a metaphor for agents and managers who've become obsolete zombies in an algorithm-driven industry.
7moments
- Everything feels hollow because all the important decisions have already been made—it's a simulation.
- At parties, everyone famous knows they're famous and their representatives know it, so there's nothing authentic happening.
- People at these events just pull out phones to show each other safe, brand-friendly content like trampoline trivia guys.
- The Democratic ticket is a wine-drunk Brentwood mom joining with Walz against Trump and JD Vance, a tech zealot.
- Shapiro would have been more interesting as a candidate because it would spark a real fight the Democratic party needs.
- Tim argues the party's real internal conflict is between Jews and Muslims, but none of this came up at the Young Hollywood Powers Summit.
- The issues do get discussed on the streets, just not at industry events.
- 3 min
Trans Custody Laws and Funnel Cake Dad's Cleaver
#Tim criticizes laws allowing states to remove children from homes over gender-identity disputes, argues Democrats need to cool it on culture issues just as Republicans should on abortion, then jokes about Walz fathering a child with a student and threatening kids with a cleaver.
8moments
- Trump's "deep in the transgender world" line about Tim Walz was funny.
- Laws allowing judges to remove children from homes if parents don't recognize the child's gender identity.
- Democrats need to chill with culture stuff the same way Republicans need to on abortion bans.
- State taking children away when parents won't immediately accept gender transition is an insane law.
- California Senate ban on schools keeping transgender issues secret from parents leads to bad outcomes.
- Tim Walz as a folksy teacher who fathered a child with a student, now demanding to see his kid before transition.
- Hypothetical angry Tim Walz showing up with a cleaver to prevent children from medical transition.
- Angry funnel-cake version of Walz blaming his poverty and lack of money for his rage.
- 2 min
National Guard Service Doesn't Count
#Tim argues neither JD Vance nor Tim Walz have real military credibility since neither saw combat, escalating into a graphic story about a veteran friend who can only orgasm via a dangerous Craigslist encounter.
4moments
- Tim's position: National Guard service without combat doesn't count as real military service.
- Joining the National Guard without seeing action is equivalent to joining a gym.
- Veterans he knows describe extreme PTSD symptoms and what they need to function sexually.
- Tim says he won't believe someone served unless they exhibit that level of psychological damage.
- 1 min
Tim Would Thrive in Wartime Decision-Making
#Tim jokes that despite disliking physical hardship, he'd excel at ruthless wartime decision-making and morale-boosting speeches to soldiers.
3moments
- Someone told Tim something at Hillstone, then never saw him again, and Tim got tested for AIDS afterward.
- Tim believes war unlocks things in people and claims he'd be great at wartime decision-making.
- When a commander says they need to burn a village, Tim would instantly say yes and follow orders.
Hillstone
- 1 min
Sponsor read for BlueChew, the chewable ED medication service, with Tim joking about the company's mission to get the whole country "rock hard."
3moments
- Tim pivots from dark opening to introducing BlueChew as an online service delivering Viagra and Cialis in chewable form at a fraction of the cost.
- No doctor's office visits, no awkward conversations, no pharmacy lines—everything handled online, day or night.
- BlueChew's stated mission, according to Tim, is to get the entire country rock hard and keep every man bricked up like a brick house.
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Ethos Life Insurance covering fast online quotes, no medical exams, and customizable term life coverage.
5moments
- Blue promo offer: free first month with code T, just $5 shipping at blu.com
- Ethos Life Insurance ad: types of parents to avoid, emphasizing the importance of life insurance
- Tim endorses Ethos as a service friends are using, highlighting same-day coverage in three easy steps
- Term life policies start as low as $10 a month with instant online application, no medical exam required
- Ethos offers customizable coverage up to $2 million in 10 minutes for family needs like college, mortgage, and income replacement
Ethos LifeBlueo
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Morgan and Morgan injury law firm woven into a story about a friend who survived a fatal car crash and used his settlement money to finally take a trip to Iceland.
4moments
- Tim predicts that being out in the summer means you'll inevitably be wronged and become the victim of an accident—it's just a fact.
- A friend of Tim's was in a truck accident where three people in the car died—his girlfriend, his best friend, and his brother—while the friend survived.
- The friend told Tim that 'every cloud has a silver lining' because Morgan and Morgan got him a great settlement, allowing him to finally afford a trip to Iceland.
- Tim notes it's sad the friend lost his fiancée and two best friends, but the friend reasoned they would want him to go to Iceland with the settlement money.
- 6 min
Tim plays and reacts to Lindsey Graham openly stating the US supports Ukraine because of its trillion-dollar mineral deposits, riffing extensively on Graham as an aging closeted "reptile" finally speaking his true, money-obsessed mind.
8moments
- Tim calls Lindsey Graham one of the dumbest senators for saying the quiet part out loud about the Ukraine war being about mineral deposits, not humanitarian concerns.
- Every war ends in compromise—usually a land deal where both sides get something—but the U.S. could have avoided this bloodshed by negotiating.
- Graham confirms on record that U.S. support for Ukraine is about the $10-12 trillion in critical minerals, not the people.
- Tim points out the U.S. ignores countless humanitarian crises worldwide but maintains laser focus on Ukraine, which suddenly makes sense when minerals are involved.
- Lindsey Graham is an old reptile who's reached the point where he's stopped caring and is just saying the quiet part out loud because his time is almost up.
- Everyone else in Washington tries to spin the Ukraine war as being about human rights and self-determination, but Graham cuts through the pretense.
- Tim does an impression of Graham explaining Ukraine like he's Todd Chrisley talking about having a rich friend with money: they're loaded and we want access to that wealth.
- Tim's extended riff: Graham is basically admitting the U.S. doesn't care about Ukraine or its people, just wants the mineral wealth before Russia and China can claim it.
Lindsey GrahamUkraineChinaRussiaTodd ChrisleyKardashians
- 3 min
Tim reacts to Disney's declining park profits, arguing Disney movies lost their edge without villains and that Disney World has become dominated by mentally unstable, unhealthy adults rather than children.
4moments
- Disneyland reports declining operating profit in Q3, with demand moderating as people stop visiting Disney World.
- The parks now attract mentally unstable adults, forcing families to wait in lines primarily with morbidly obese adults on multiple medications.
- Most people are realizing Disney World isn't worth the trip and only take their kids once.
- Tim wanted to book John Hinckley Jr's band to play on a Netflix talk show but legal wouldn't clear it.
- 2 min
Tim plays a clip of John Hinckley Jr. preaching peace and harmony, joking about trying to book Hinckley's band for a Netflix show and comparing him to OJ Simpson as men who attained strange wisdom after violence.
4moments
- John Hinckley Jr. preaches about peace, harmony, and rejecting violence after acknowledging he's known for an act of violence.
- Tim suggests booking Hinckley and his band for a variety show, likening him to OJ Simpson as someone whose attempted murder somehow confers wisdom.
- Tim rips into Kamala and Walz for selling a camo hat, calling it disgusting and evidence they think voters are stupid.
- Tim declares himself a liberal hunter and threatens to burn the hat down.
O.J. SimpsonJohn Hinckley Jr.Kamala HarrisJohn LennonRonald Reagan
- 2 min
The Kamala/Walz Camo Hat and Lake Pride Texts
#Tim mocks the Harris-Walz campaign's camo merchandise as pandering, then reads texts from a comedian friend defending Walz and "lake pride," reasserting his preference for ocean culture.
8moments
- Tim complains about his Lake friends, particularly comedian John Kennedy, texting him with excessive Lake pride.
- Lake people must be kept down—America is an ocean country, defined by waves crashing on shores, not lakes.
- Former student describes Walz as not a homework guy, valuing discussion and student thoughts over lectures.
- Walz ran Friday current-events sessions where rotating students researched topics and the class debated them.
- One debate stuck with the student: France's policies on Muslim women's clothing and whether Western ideals respect cultural differences.
- Walz was skilled at making students feel the cognitive dissonance of being powerful Americans unaware of their own privilege.
- Tim concedes funnel cake dad was a good teacher but remains unsold on Walz overall.
- Tim has deep problems with the Lake people.
- 2 min
Tim plays a clip of former students describing Walz as an engaging, discussion-based teacher, including a debate about French burka bans, while maintaining his skepticism about lake people and Walz's fitness for higher office.
7moments
- Tim argues that oceans toughen people up while lakes make them soft.
- If oceans make people tough, why is Tim fat and living by an ocean?
- Tim compares Walz to a small snowman and describes his physical presentation as an angry grandpa action figure.
- Walz's contrast between his Heartland roots and JD Vance's Yale education and Silicon Valley connections.
- Tim jokes that real America involves burning cars and houses, not attending Yale, because his lake-town life is so boring.
- Walz grew up in a Christmas Story-type Heartland environment, unlike Kamala Harris, who Tim describes as a wine-drinking woman hopping on dicks.
- Trump is erratic and all over the place, struggling to find his footing in the election.
Tim WalzJD VanceDonald TrumpKamala HarrisA Christmas Story
- 7 min
Country by Committee: Trump's Missing Message
#Tim argues Trump has lost his 2016 singular focus and needs a new message, theorizing that neither Trump nor Harris will really govern and that unelected people, Big Tech, and Hollywood interests are really running the country, with AI-obsessed tech bros and Hollywood forming opposing coalitions.
15moments
- Tim says Trump's 2016 message was laser-focused on one thing—the wall, immigration—but now his messaging is scattered across multiple topics.
- Democrats' only message is "we're not Trump," while Trump rambles about folksy topics like mashing potatoes with a fork.
- Harris is a hollow human being full of billionaire ideas with no authentic opinions, just enjoying the ride of being a presidential candidate.
- Neither party will actually help the middle class on day one—it's not their first order of business no matter who wins.
- Tim's message for Trump should be: this will be government by committee, led by unelected people in the shadows, not a real president.
- Harris hasn't spoken in four years and mirrors the opinions of whoever interviews her, suggesting she's been replaced as the actual decision-maker.
- Biden was removed and Harris installed specifically to enable committee-based governance rather than presidential leadership.
- Tech Bros on Trump's side want to use him for their own agendas—sucking up government money for their "live forever" and AI merger quests.
- Hollywood supports Harris because she'll be a powerful ally for their corporate mergers and deals, having traditionally aligned with Democrats.
- What voters see is stagecraft—Hollywood for ugly people—with a completely different conversation happening behind closed doors with donors and people who actually matter.
- Trump's authenticity connects with people, but when he's angry and ineffective on the stump, he loses that edge.
- Three debates between these two will be exhausting, and his energy levels and focus aren't what they were.
- Harris's rise exemplifies sociopathic tenacity—the clawing, scraping, backstabbing ambition that propels certain people to fame.
- Politics is a quick ascent to a level of fame most people never experience, followed by either unraveling or fading into obscurity with a mediocre book deal.
- Defeated politicians end up making third-rate podcast appearances as their post-political career.
Kamala HarrisDonald TrumpJD VanceJoe Bidenlibertarian tech brosArtificial IntelligenceDeep State
- 1 min
Closing Riff: Follow Your Dreams
#Tim closes by returning to Sabrina Carpenter's vacant "follow your dreams" line, applying it mockingly to Tim and Gwen Walz as a final button on the episode.
2moments
- Tim addresses funnel cake dad and his wife burnt rubbers, quoting Sabrina Carpenter's advice to follow your dreams
- Sabrina Carpenter told a room full of vacant-eyed TikTokers to follow their dreams