Episode 308 · The Ben Avery Era
Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308
with Chris Distefano
Jul 24, 2022 · 1:05:10 · 719,000 views · 22 segments, 150 moments indexed
Tim auditions for the role on Netflix he always wanted, Buzz Lightyear going woke, Fire Island, the fate of Ghislaine, and Ben and his wife going to Europe.
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- 3 min
Cold Open: Krysta Rodriguez... err Krysta Stefano and the New Rogan Studio Beef Jerky Bit
#Tim welcomes comedian Krysta Stefano, jokes about the studio being the "new Joe Rogan Experience," riffs on Ben's blank affect and mass-shooter face, and floats going on other podcasts just to get banned as the last frontier of going viral.
10moments
- Krista Stefano is appearing on the show for the first time in the new studio.
- Tim claims they are the new Joe Rogan Experience and that sitting in the chair can destroy or save your life.
- The main difference between this studio and Rogan's is that Rogan has beef jerky made from Native Americans in the waiting room.
- Ben, the producer, has good hand-eye coordination and grappling ability despite being lanky.
- Ben has a wasp cold Texas demeanor that makes him emotionally detached, which is why he's good at his job.
- If you used a face swap app on Ben's face, he would fit seamlessly into mass shooter profiles.
- With oversaturation in comedy and entertainment, a mass shooting might be the last way to go viral.
- Podcasters should try to get each other banned from platforms as a form of guerrilla warfare and comedy.
- Tim describes going on other shows and deliberately saying offensive things to get them taken off YouTube.
- Tim wants to bring back the Opie and Anthony vibes of actually doing controversial things on air.
- 3 min
TT Jerry, Tampa Tony, and the Transgender Puerto Rican Sitcom Family
#Tim describes his transgender Puerto Rican ex-con nanny TT Jerry bonding with his conservative Florida father Tampa Tony over Tucker Carlson's looks, and pitches it as an unmade sitcom about people online hating each other but getting along in person.
8moments
- Tampa Tony, Tim's Irish Catholic conservative father from Florida, visited for a month and met TT Jerry for the first time.
- TT Jerry is Tim's youngest daughter's godmother—a transgender Puerto Rican woman who did 20 years in prison, transitioned there, and now has AIDS in remission.
- Tim expected his father and TT Jerry wouldn't get along based on news consumption, but they became best friends instead.
- TT Jerry told Tampa Tony that Tucker Carlson looks like he probably has a big dick, creating a bonding moment between them.
- TT Jerry and Tampa Tony now watch Fox News together because she finds Tucker Carlson legitimately hot and won't stop talking about wanting his dick.
- The summer camp staff sees an old man with diabetes and fake knees walking with a transgender Puerto Rican woman dropping off Tim's two daughters.
- Tim describes his life as a sitcom nobody will make—like a modern-day Everybody Loves Raymond but with a transgender character.
- Online everyone hates everybody, but when you actually put people in a room together, they get along.
Tucker CarlsonTT JerryTampa TonyWendy Williams
- 2 min
Boredom, Drugs, and Saving the Whites of Providence
#Tim argues political obsession masks boredom, jokes that drug use is a more interesting use of time than online arguing, and describes seeing meth-ravaged white people in a Providence, Rhode Island Dunkin' Donuts.
6moments
- Tim moved to Staten Island where you can only complain about the 'right' issues or get asked to leave.
- People obsessed with politics are often just bored, so Tim suggests drugs as a solution.
- Tim was a drug addict for years and argues it's a better, more interesting life than arguing about healthcare on Facebook.
- Nobody's talking about saving white people, who are dying of heroin overdoses in Providence, Rhode Island.
- Tim bought a powdered sugar donut at a Dunkin in Providence and was worried about fentanyl residue on it.
- Louis C.K. can't put everyone in his movie, so not everyone can get featured on his podcast either.
Louis C.K.Providencedrug addictionStaten IslandSuffolk County
- 2 min
Krysta's Volkswagen Commercial and Looking Fully German
#Krysta explains she's shooting a Volkswagen Atlas commercial because they wanted a 'German-looking' comic, leading to jokes about Volkswagen's Nazi-adjacent history and companies casting to match their actual customer demographics.
8moments
- Krysta is filming a Volkswagen commercial tomorrow because Germany is fighting back.
- The commercial is for the Volkswagen Atlas truck, which she says is actually good for her family.
- She wasn't even picked up from the airport in a Volkswagen or given one as compensation, despite doing the ad.
- The commercial is about rules of the road, which Tim finds fitting given Volkswagen's history.
- Krysta is speaking fluently because the money is already in the bank and she won't give it back.
- Volkswagen was looking for a German comic, couldn't find one, and Krysta's last name is Stefano.
- The head of Volkswagen looked at her photo and assumed there's no way she's not fully German.
- Tim appreciates that despite talking about inclusiveness, Volkswagen just hired whoever looks like their target customer.
VolkswagenMercedes
- 3 min
TT Jerry Threatens to Report the Undocumented AC Repairman Over a Stolen Ring
#Krysta tells the story of a Guatemalan repairman faking a neck injury for cash, and TT Jerry threatening to call immigration on an undocumented worker to recover a stolen ring, pitched as the pilot episode of their sitcom.
7moments
- AC repairman from Guatemala fell through Tim's attic ceiling after being sent back up on the ladder.
- Foreman claimed the worker's neck was injured and wanted cash compensation.
- A ring went missing after a different crew came to do patch work on the air conditioning.
- The ring appeared on a paint can outside the house an hour after the deportation threat.
- The show would star Tim's Puerto Rican transgender Republican uncle threatening to deport the worker to solve the theft.
- Tim contrasts this real-life resolution with artificial movie plotlines like Fire Island.
- Fire Island depicts gay men unable to have fun despite molly and sex because of pervasive racism on the island.
- 3 min
Fire Island's Sad Gay Racists and Woke Pixar
#Tim mocks the Hulu movie Fire Island for making a film about a hedonistic gay paradise but centering it on racism, contrasts it with the raunchy fun of Look Who's Talking, and complains about Pixar's Buzz Lightyear going woke.
8moments
- Gay men and Black women are the two groups that have the most fun in the world.
- Tim's take on Fire Island: a film about a gay paradise that adds racism as a moral problem instead of just letting people have fun.
- Tim's father watched Fire Island and thought it was Crazy Rich Asians.
- Modern films are obsessed with teaching lessons instead of just letting people have fun.
- Look Who's Talking—a 1989 film with explicit sexual content and racial stereotypes—made his seven-year-old daughter laugh hysterically.
- A recent Pixar film went woke and his kid hated it because kids just want goofy and silly, not messaging.
- Tim believes Buzz Lightyear in the new Pixar movie was designed to look like him, complete with a colorful chin.
- Buzz Lightyear is gay in the movie they're discussing.
PixarLook Who's TalkingBuzz LightyearFire IslandRich Asians
- 3 min
Leave Kids Alone: Overparenting and the Broom vs. Hammer Worksheet
#Tim and Krysta argue kids are overparented and schools should just teach reading, writing, and arithmetic, illustrated by a coloring worksheet from Krysta's daughter's school depicting a woman with a broom and a man with a hammer.
5moments
- Tim's philosophy on parenting: leave kids alone and let them discover who they are.
- Tim was left alone as a kid and turned out fine—he now owns a Bentley, albeit a 2018 certified pre-owned one.
- Nobody needs to sit kids down and explain sexuality to them; they figure it out through trial and error.
- His daughter's school sent home a coloring worksheet with a woman holding a broom and a man holding a hammer, depicting gender roles in careers.
- The worksheet confused his daughter, leading Tim to joke that the woman represents someone behind a dumpster.
- 1 min
Tim reads a MeUndies ad touting soft underwear, loungewear, and dog hoodies, with a first-purchase discount code.
3moments
- Tim pitches MeUndies as the legendary underwear brand that's taken over podcasting, famous for buttery soft undies and bralettes.
- MeUndies makes hoodies for your dog so you can match every important person in your life.
- First-time purchasers get 20% off plus free shipping and returns on meundies.com.
- 1 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp ad about online therapy matching within 48 hours, and Krysta shares her own positive experience using the service.
2moments
- Tim shares his personal experience using BetterHelp, saying he was nervous about in-person therapy but finds the online format much easier.
- He was matched with a therapist in under 48 hours and says he loves his therapist now.
- 3 min
Heartstopper's Casting Call and the Podcast Lottery
#Tim reads a Netflix Heartstopper open casting call for an LGBTQ+ actor and jokes about applying himself, veering into a riff about podcast hosts like Ben having 'won the lottery' and being trusted with backstage access.
7moments
- Netflix's Heartstopper has an open casting call, and Tim notes one cast member had to dodge questions about being gay because everyone would lose their minds if he turned out to be straight.
- They're casting a 16-year-old for season two, and Tim considers himself a perfect fit for the role.
- Podcast producers have won a lottery by getting their gigs, and that's why everyone online hates them—people want their shot at the lineup.
- Ben is trustworthy as a producer even though he's not that sharp, because other podcasters would unlock the back door if given access to the opportunity.
- The Heartstopper role is for Sahar Zaheed, a 16-year-old character, and Tim thinks he could breathe life into it.
- Tim and Ben plan to film an audition tape for the 16-year-old Sahar Zaheed role, with Tim noting he kind of looks like the character.
- They discuss costume pieces for the audition: golf pants, an old sweater, and a wig, possibly Maurice's.
- 6 min
Casting Call for Sahar Zaheed: 'Plus-Sized British South Asian, Non-Binary'
#Tim and Krysta dissect the absurd, contradictory casting requirements for a Heartstopper role (no acting experience needed, but must be a specific body type, ethnicity, and gender identity) and riff on how old Hollywood executives would have reacted.
8moments
- Netflix casting call seeks 'plus-sized actor of British South Asian heritage who identifies as female or non-binary'
- Professional experience not essential means they want the identity, not acting ability
- Sahar is in year 11, a little cynical—because she's not actually an actor or actress
- Tim submits his own email response to the casting call immediately
- Casting director claims commitment to equal opportunities while explicitly requiring specific race, size, and gender identity
- Tim identifies as non-binary some days feeling like shit, other days like a dude—it's just gay plus film
- Non-binary used to just be called being a human with different gender feelings all the time
- Story: pool party with TJ Jerry, a transgender woman on a rubber ducky, screaming that life begins at conception during Roe v. Wade fallout
Daniel Edwards CastingHarvey WeinsteinKurt MetzgerSahar ZhangMindy Tucker
- 7 min
Writing the Fake Casting Email as a 'Non-Binary South Asian Woman'
#Tim dictates a joke email application to Ben for the Heartstopper role, claiming fake South Asian non-binary bona fides, love of gulab jamun and Hasan Minhaj, and a plan to wear brownface 'tastefully,' signing off with an absurd list of political commitments.
10moments
- Tim reads the casting call's equal opportunity language and immediately points out the contradiction with their specific physical requirements.
- If the casting director was honest, they'd just post a picture of Pumbaa from The Lion King to show what the person needs to look like.
- Tim starts drafting the fake email by claiming to be over 18, overweight, and over not being on the show.
- To prove his bona fides as a South Asian non-binary person, Tim includes love of gulab jamun and Hasan Minhaj's Homecoming King on Netflix.
- The skills Tim brings to the role are being fat.
- Tim states he will need to put on brown makeup tastefully to avoid accusations of doing brownface.
- When people realize Tim is actually a non-binary South Asian woman, they will forgive the brownface makeup.
- The email signature identifies Tim Dillon as a non-binary male presenting South Asian woman committed to fat activism, equality, equity, and inclusivity.
- Tim adds commitments to communism and overthrowing the heteronormative, violent, oppressive petro narco state to the list of causes.
- The subject line for the submission is "Tim Dillon submission but your lucky day."
Daniel Edwards CassidyHasan MinhajFire Island
- 2 min
Tim promotes YouTube star Steve Will Do It and his extreme chugging and stunt videos as part of the Nelk Boys prank collective.
6moments
- Tim notes he's in the UK and fat and brown, joking about casting requirements for actor roles.
- Steve Will Do It is the breakout star of the Nelk Boys prank collective.
- Tim describes Steve's signature act: drinking quantities of alcohol that should kill him but don't.
- Despite being an ultimate frat boy, Steve does good things like putting Mexican families in the back of pickup trucks and driving them.
- Tim watches footage of Steve's drinking and notes it kills people, making him sick to watch.
- Logan Paul watches Steve's drinking in disbelief, questioning what he's doing.
- 2 min
Chugging Compilations and Shoenice Comparisons
#Tim and Krysta continue reacting to Steve Will Do It's dangerous chugging stunts, comparing him to Shoenice22 and marveling that he survives.
5moments
- Tim's pitch: anyone can drink a bottle of vodka and either die or become a famous millionaire—your choice.
- Chugging compilations on YouTube are wild and uncomfortable to watch.
- The creator has evolved beyond just chugging—designing obstacle courses for people with one leg and doing other varied content.
- Shoenice22 is the only other person Tim knows who chugged at that level, and he'd have an ambulance and medics standing by.
- Tim plugs Steve Will Do It, who has 4.7 million YouTube subscribers and deserves to reach five or ten million.
Steve Will Do ItProper 12
- 3 min
Tim and Krysta discuss Boris Johnson's resignation over lockdown parties and an affair-related job favor, arguing old-school political corruption was more tolerable when hidden, segueing into Ghislaine Maxwell's sentencing versus R. Kelly's.
8moments
- Boris Johnson stepped down after throwing a party during COVID, but Tim says he'd vote for a leader who did that.
- Johnson tried to get a job for a woman he had an affair with—Tim treats this as unremarkable politician behavior.
- Politicians need to have a little fun, but it should stop short of child abuse on private islands.
- Ghislaine Maxwell is in jail in New York with no visitor access.
- A woman at a barbecue complained that Maxwell got 20 years while R. Kelly got 30, calling it racist.
- Tim attributes R. Kelly's longer sentence to him being Black, not to degree of involvement.
- Maxwell's full culpability can't be proven publicly because it would implicate powerful people with too much money.
- Probably 1,000 celebrities are on the Epstein list, but only a few are proven, and the full list will never be released.
Ghislaine MaxwellR. Kellycorruption in politicsThe Clintons
- 6 min
The Epstein Client List and Robert Maxwell's Mossad Ties
#Tim speculates extensively about the unreleased Epstein client list, Robert Maxwell's alleged Mossad connections and suspicious death, and theorizes that Epstein was killed because he was a blackmail liability while Maxwell was spared as a possible sacrificial figure.
10moments
- Tim catalogs the powerful people implicated in Epstein's orbit: prime ministers, presidents, billionaires, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton.
- The full scope of what happened will never be known, but consider the infrastructure: an island in the South Pacific, a plane flying people for sex tourism, one of Manhattan's largest townhouses.
- Epstein was backed by Les Wexner, who owns Victoria's Secret and the Limited, and partnered with Ghislaine Maxwell, whose father Robert Maxwell died suspiciously on a yacht.
- Robert Maxwell was believed to be a Mossad agent with four heads of Israeli intelligence and ex-prime ministers attending his funeral.
- Tim speculates the operation was U.S.-Israel coordinated, using blackmail on compromised politicians to own them indefinitely.
- Prince Andrew will not go to prison, but Ghislaine Maxwell was needed as a sacrificial lamb because Epstein became too much of a risk to keep alive.
- Tim's theory: Epstein might have talked, so they realized he needed to die; Maxwell, from an intelligence family with possible omerta code, may survive or may also be killed.
- The unraveling started when FBI agents decided they had a strong enough case, though Epstein's sweetheart deal in 2014 for molesting an underage girl should have ended it then.
- After his conviction, Epstein was released and continued having dinner with influential people like Chelsea Handler and Woody Allen.
- The pattern didn't stop even after Epstein was convicted, showing how untouchable the network remained.
Jeffrey EpsteinGhislaine MaxwellRobert MaxwellLes WexnerPrince AndrewChelsea HandlerWoody AllenBill Gates+1 more
- 5 min
Founding Fathers as Sex Traffickers and the Coming Corporate Internet
#Tim jokes about the Founding Fathers possibly being sex traffickers, then pivots to predicting the internet will become fully corporatized like old television, name-checking Andrew Schulz's clubhouse prediction and Whitney Wolfe Herd's talk of 'guardrails.'
8moments
- Sex trafficking has exploded and is now prevalent enough that hotels post warning signs about it.
- Tim argues that a group of people have controlled the planet for centuries and don't know what to do with the internet.
- Tim suggests the Founding Fathers could have been sex traffickers and notes that slavery makes the comparison plausible.
- The internet was the wild west initially, but now people are trying to introduce guardrails and clamp down.
- A Bumble billionaire suggested introducing guardrails online, raising the question of who decides what those guardrails are.
- Tim predicts the internet will become almost entirely corporate within ten years, resembling television's model of corporate sponsorship.
- Tim has been off Twitter for two months, with his girlfriend tweeting clips for him, and says getting off the app feels emotionally better.
- Stepping back from social media allows him to focus on writing a book and doing meaningful work instead of spending endless hours on apps.
Jeffrey EpsteinTwitterAndrew SchulzClubhouseGeorge WashingtonThomas JeffersonBumbleJohn Adams+1 more
- 1 min
Quitting Twitter to Write a Book
#Tim explains he's logged off Twitter for months, letting his girlfriend Benatia tweet for him, to focus on writing a book and movie instead of chasing engagement.
4moments
- Tim quit Twitter to allocate time better and focus on projects with real legacy value.
- At this stage of his career, he's thinking about the end game: keep the show going, write a book, make one genuinely classic movie, and put out a few quality comedy specials.
- Entertainment careers now require an amalgamation of different mediums because there's not enough money in any single format anymore.
- You have to do something because you love it and let the money come second.
- 1 min
Oprah, Gayle King, and the 'Gay Lover' Theory
#Tim and Krysta joke that Gayle King is secretly Oprah's lover and that Oprah's husband Steadman is a beard, citing a decades-old unofficiated engagement.
3moments
- Tim's friend claimed to see Oprah doing cocaine in a Mississippi church.
- Tim proposes that Oprah is gay, and Gayle King is her lover.
- Tim thinks Gayle King's husband Steadman is actually Oprah's gay lover, confusing the situation entirely.
- 5 min
Tampa Tony's 'You Have Too Much Stuff' Philosophy
#Tim recounts his father's blunt monologue about happiness coming from having less (illustrated by his constipation and a hypothetical million dollars), and TT Jerry's reflection on prison life being oddly relaxing after 20 years institutionalized.
10moments
- Tim's father in Newport criticizes people who marry into mansions but complain instead of enjoying their wealth.
- Tim argues that people today are over self-actualized and have too much stuff, which is why they're always stressed.
- Tampa Tony's philosophy: if he could take a bowel movement after five days, that'd be the highlight of his day—he'd feel like a million bucks.
- Tim's father explains that Tim will never feel rich despite having a million dollars because he'll always compare himself to peers with two million.
- Tim's father tells him to get rid of 95 percent of his clothes and stop overconsuming if he wants to be happier.
- Tim agrees that people have too much stuff and that's connected to the suicide epidemic and general unhappiness.
- Different people need very different things to be happy, but modern internet culture flattens everyone into thinking they're the same.
- Woman who spent 22 years in prison explains that repeat offenders exist because they lack something to go home to and a reason not to return.
- The formerly incarcerated woman found prison comforting because everything was provided—meals, schedule, no choices—creating a kind of relaxation.
- Reentry into the free world after two decades in prison created extreme anxiety; she's happiest when she doesn't have to make constant decisions about her appearance and status.
- 3 min
America's Missing Plan B and Flipping the Script on Tampa Tony
#Tim argues America obsesses over 'follow your dream' messaging with no plan B, credits having kids with grounding him, and jokes about turning his dad's advice back on him regarding gambling and lack of hustle.
8moments
- America has no Plan B — the culture obsesses over following your dream and becoming a CEO, but never teaches how to actually construct a life when that fails.
- Having kids reframes everything: pushing a daughter in a swing or getting them to school becomes the whole point, not selling out MSG.
- Tim's father kept telling him to make everything smaller and stop trying to make his life so big, which is how his dad actually lives.
- Tim brings up Bernie Sanders and the pattern of temporary clarity after near-death or good medical news that disappears by the next day when you're back yelling about traffic.
- Flip the script on Tampa Tony: tell him he has a podcast, YouTube channel, and should explain his digital media strategy instead of complaining about your career.
- If Tim makes his life smart he gets fewer gigs, so his strategy is to embezzle money and gamble it on FanDuel instead.
- Ben is going to Europe for two weeks with his wife in August, and Tim is struck by how much money these people clearly have.
- Tim is trying to make sure Ben can go for the full two weeks with his woman, and anyone who knows Tory Burch should have her contact him.
- 2 min
Krysta promotes her tour dates in Chicago, San Francisco, and Philadelphia, jokes about needing designer Tory Burch to contact him, and the two close the show with a joke about Chelsea Handler playing Tim in his biopic.
6moments
- Tim pleads with fashion designer Tory Burch to contact him.
- Tour dates: Chicago Theater September 30th and San Francisco Cobb's.
- Added show at the Fillmore in Philadelphia because the first one sold out.
- His wife will spend two weeks there; Tim will only go for five days.
- Everything he does—real estate, fixing up houses, the show—is to provide that example.
- His son will eventually run the podcast with Chelsea Lynn after Tim is gone.
GermanySlovakiaTory Burch