Episode 407 · The Studio Revamp
The Mushroom Pilot & Jailed Billionaires | The Tim Dillon Show #407
Aug 31, 2024 · 1:09:06 · 588,000 views · 24 segments, 130 moments indexed
Tim examines Pavel Durov’s arrest, Trump’s assassin’s family, an autistic hockey team’s ice cream sale, a pilot’s experience with psychedelics and why Meghan Markle isn't a great boss.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: 91 Degrees in a Hoodie
#Tim opens the show noting the odd weather mismatch between the cool Long Island night and the hot Manhattan afternoon that left him overdressed.
2moments
- Tim is wearing a hoodie in 91-degree heat in Manhattan after driving in from Long Island where it was cool enough to justify the outfit.
- The temperature shift from Long Island to Manhattan caught him unprepared for the studio's climate.
- 1 min
Tim discusses the arrest of Telegram CEO Pavel Durov in France over criminal activity on the app, then riffs on how his own Signal chats are just memes and mundane talk instead of anything worth encrypting.
3moments
- Pavel Durov, CEO of Telegram, arrested in France over charges that his messaging app is used for criminal activity including child abuse images.
- Tim checks whether he's on Telegram, discovers he's on Signal instead after someone made him download it.
- Tim notes the NSA can read Signal anyway, then questions why people act paranoid on an encrypted app just to discuss restaurants.
Pavel DurovTelegramSignal
- 4 min
Tim goes through the Fox News reporting on the Trump rally shooter's Google search history, pointing out how suspiciously specific and convenient the search terms look, joking that it reads like a fabricated profile.
8moments
- Fox News article reveals the shooter's name confusion and lack of digital footprint beyond Google searches.
- Tim notes the contradictory narrative: no social media but extensive Google activity about the rally site and drone surveillance.
- The Google searches read like a caricature—'How far was Oswald from Kennedy? Who should I shoot today?'
- Specific searches documented: obsession with Trump's Butler, PA rally and campaign schedule across Pennsylvania.
- July 5th searches included timing of DNC and RNC conventions; July 10th weather queries for Butler to calculate bullet trajectory.
- Tim observes the searches seem almost deliberately constructed—exactly what someone would search if creating a shooter's profile for a story.
- The pattern of escalating searches—'How far was Oswald from Kennedy? How do I shoot Trump at Butler rally?'—suggests an artificial narrative.
- More searches allegedly coming about acting alone and committing assassination with zero accomplices.
Butler, PA Trump rally shootingMatthew David KrooksDonald TrumpJoe BidenJohn F. KennedyLee Harvey OswaldPavel DurovThomas David+1 more
- 5 min
Tim zeroes in on paparazzi photos of the shooter's parents doing a full grocery run at Costco shortly after the assassination attempt, imagining in detail what processed foods they must be buying and questioning the family dynamics.
9moments
- Tim introduces Thomas Matthew Krooks and notes the confusion over his name variations.
- Krooks's parents captured on video walking out of Costco with a full cart.
- Tim jokes about the absurdity of parents going to Costco a few weeks after their son attempted to assassinate the president.
- He points out they didn't ask a friend to shop for them but went themselves.
- Tim and the guest examine the Costco cart contents, spotting Gatorade and orange crush.
- He argues the parents wouldn't care about sodium intake at that point in their lives.
- Tim questions who the unidentified person accompanying the father is, wondering if it's an FBI agent.
- Krooks appears to have been an only child, which Tim notes is odd given the lack of information about his family.
- Tim imagines the father will always remember summer 2024 as the time his son tried to kill the president and then they went to Costco.
Thomas Matthew CrooksCostcoMandela effect
- 1 min
Whisking Eggs After Your Son Tries to Kill the President
#Continuing the Costco bit, Tim wonders whether the family would really be scrambling eggs and cooking normally right after such a traumatic event, questioning where the 'family values' are.
2moments
- Tim questions the composure of a parent whisking eggs after their son attempted to assassinate the president and was killed by the Secret Service.
- He wonders why the person wouldn't have someone else prepare the eggs instead, connecting it to the absence of family values.
- 6 min
Tim covers Mark Zuckerberg's letter admitting Biden administration pressure to censor the Hunter Biden laptop story and COVID content, tying it to big tech's desire to cozy up to power and avoid scrutiny like Durov faced.
10moments
- Mark Zuckerberg apologizes for censoring the Biden laptop story and COVID information.
- Tech companies need nuclear power to run data farms and are cozying up to the right to get government approval for nuclear-powered data centers.
- Tech people marketed as green energy advocates but their products consume as much energy as fossil fuel drilling.
- Biden's son left a laptop at a repair shop containing photos and videos of guns, amateur porn, and other compromising material.
- Intelligence agencies signed a letter calling the laptop story Russian disinformation, pressuring tech companies to censor it.
- Zuckerberg's apology reveals the Biden administration repeatedly pressured Meta to censor coronavirus content in 2021.
- French authorities arrested Pavle Durov while Zuckerberg faces no consequences despite Filipino maids being sold on Facebook Marketplace.
- The government is intimidating messaging app owners to control communication while allowing Zuckerberg to operate with impunity.
- Facebook allowed users to buy and sell Filipino maids on Marketplace with no accountability from Zuckerberg.
- Zuckerberg's public apology is strategic positioning to avoid legal consequences like those facing Durov.
Mark ZuckerbergPavle DurovFacebookHunter BidenHunter Biden laptop storyMetaTelegramCOVID censorship+2 more
- 2 min
Facebook Marketplace's Filipino Maid Problem
#Tim contrasts Durov's arrest with Facebook's history of allowing Filipino maids to be sold/trafficked on Marketplace, mocking Zuckerberg for facing no consequences while turning it into a dark riff on abuse.
4moments
- Tim parodies Zuckerberg confessing to tech censorship of the Trump story and controlling information distribution.
- Zuckerberg supposedly pivots to advertising Filipino maids on Facebook Marketplace with instructions to hit them if they underperform.
- Tim escalates the bit, describing Zuckerberg recommending throwing things at, pushing down stairs, or hitting underperforming maids from the Philippines.
- Shift to actual cursed Facebook Marketplace listings including creepy footstools and a crying minion patio heater.
Mark ZuckerbergFacebook Marketplace
- 1 min
Weird Facebook Marketplace Listings
#A quick aside browsing bizarre items sold on Facebook Marketplace like a crying minion patio heater.
1moment
- Tim transitions from spooky pies to government talk
- 5 min
Tim tells the story of a 12-year-old in Norwood, MA whose homemade ice cream stand (raising money for his disabled brother's hockey team) got shut down by the town, sparking death threats against officials; he argues RFK Jr. should champion the kid's cause against processed ice cream.
11moments
- A Massachusetts boy set up an ice cream stand to fundraise for his autistic brother's hockey team.
- Town officials shut down the stand after receiving a complaint, citing violation of state food code.
- The boy's mother encouraged him to start the stand on the condition he donate half the proceeds to charity.
- Tim says threatening the government officials who shut down the stand is justified, though he claims to oppose violence.
- The hockey team serves players with physical and developmental disabilities and requires extra equipment and resources.
- Massachusetts law permits lemonade stands and bake sales but prohibits homemade ice cream sales.
- Tim argues RFK should champion the case because approved ice cream retailers are full of poison and additives.
- Homemade ice cream lacks thickeners, stabilizers, and guar gum found in commercial ice cream.
- Tim connects poisoned commercial ice cream to children developing breasts.
- Tim suggests the boy sell expensive homemade ice cream in the Hamptons to make more money before getting reported.
- Tim notes he never had a lemonade stand or entrepreneurial ventures as a kid.
- 2 min
Billionaire Kids' Lemonade Stand and His Own Confirmation Money
#Tim recalls seeing wealthy kids running a lemonade stand on a billionaire street and contrasts it with his own upbringing, revealing his parents stole his $1,000 confirmation money instead of teaching him financial responsibility.
4moments
- Tim sees billionaire kids running a lemonade stand on Meadow Lane, selling lemonade and homemade Rice Krispie treats.
- His own parents never taught him about earning money at any age, missing the opportunity entirely.
- Tim compares his confirmation gift to bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs, which typically bring in substantially more money.
- He received $1,000 for his confirmation, but his parents immediately stole the money to pay their bills instead of teaching him about managing it.
Meadow LaneFortnite
- 4 min
Child Actors and Hollywood Abuse Documentaries
#Tim connects the ice cream stand story back to his own childhood, then riffs on the wave of Netflix documentaries exposing abuse of child stars (Alf, NSYNC, Nickelodeon) and jokes that his own parents were too inept to exploit him.
10moments
- Tim describes a kid ratted out for running an unlicensed ice cream operation to help his brother's disabled hockey team.
- His parents never pushed him to earn money through lemonade stands or odd jobs.
- Tim's parents' strategy was getting him cast in movies instead, which would have paid better than a lemonade stand.
- Every Netflix documentary now—from *Quiet on Set* to the *NSync* doc—exposes child abuse in Hollywood.
- Parents in the '90s had the advantage of not knowing how widespread abuse was; now they can't claim ignorance.
- Tim jokes that maybe modern kids are more confident and won't get exploited, perhaps because they're brash about not being victimized.
- Every show gets a documentary revealing its star abused cast members—he lists *Alf*, *Leaving Neverland*, *Quiet on Set*, *The Corey Haim thing*.
- Tim notes his parents were so incompetent at exploiting him as a child actor that they didn't even try to capitalize on his looks.
- If he'd been sexually abused by Hollywood directors instead, he'd own a beach house now despite the psychological damage and political radicalization.
- The absurdity: child abuse could have made him wealthy compared to his actual broke situation.
Amanda Byneschild actors
- 2 min
Sperm Counts Are Dropping Worldwide
#Tim reacts to a report on declining global sperm counts and fertility statistics as a lead-in to the Legacy sponsor read.
4moments
- Tim imagines modern parents bragging that their kid is an actor, worried about them disappearing into Hollywood's chaos.
- Who wants to freeze their sperm? Sperm counts are dropping worldwide—the average man is only half as fertile as his grandfather.
- Tim notes that some of the fattest people he knows have children, despite obesity being cited as a cause of low sperm counts.
- Sperm is a biomarker for overall health, indicating risk for cancer, heart disease, and premature death.
- 1 min
A sponsored segment for Legacy, a sperm testing and freezing service, covering their home collection kit, lab analysis, storage plans, and military partnerships.
4moments
- Tim riffs on the absurdity of the sperm-freezing ad tagline "rub one out."
- Lab analyzes the sample using five industry-standard metrics of sperm quality, results sent to phone within 48 hours.
- If frozen, the sample is split and stored in two separate locations as protection against natural disasters.
- Storage plans cost "a few cups of coffee a month" for coverage lasting more than 25 years.
LegacyDr. David Schulen
- 2 min
Tim promotes Harry's razors and grooming products, praising the quality and convenience of home delivery versus locked-up drugstore razors.
3moments
- Tim introduces Harry's Razors, emphasizing promo code tim and quality at a fraction of big brand prices.
- Taking the shopping out of the shaving experience—removing the need to hunt for locked-up razors in drugstores.
- Details on German-engineered blades, customizable delivery, and the $3 trial set at harrys.com/dillon.
- 2 min
Tim praises his Helix Midnight Deluxe mattress, has the producer chime in, then tells a dark joke about a friend's father who allegedly killed his wife over keeping the mattress in a divorce.
4moments
- Helix Midnight Deluxe mattress comes personalized based on a sleep quiz about your position and firmness preferences.
- Tim criticizes traditional mattress shopping as awkward compared to ordering online through Helix.
- He claims to use the Helix Midnight Deluxe more than any other product he endorses on the show.
- A friend's father loved the mattress so much during his divorce that he refused to give it up despite his wife's objections.
- 1 min
Tim continues the Helix pitch, riffing about buying a condo in Miami and fully committing to an Afro-Latino South Beach lifestyle with Helix mattresses.
1moment
- Tim fantasizes about getting a Miami condo and buying two Helix mattresses for it, imagining himself wearing sandals on South Beach and fully identifying as Afro Latino.
- 2 min
Predicting More Unstable Pilots
#Tim introduces the Alaska Airlines mushroom pilot story, claiming he predicted rising instability among airline pilots the same way he predicted Lizzo getting thin.
5moments
- Tim predicts pilots are increasingly unstable and will start trying to kill planes full of people.
- He references his track record of calling things correctly, citing Lizzo getting thin after the fat community turned on her.
- Tim warns there will be more stories of pilots attempting to kill passengers, comparing it to his previous accurate predictions.
- If someone like the alleged presidential assassin is motivated by leaving a legacy, why wouldn't a mentally unstable pilot do the same with a plane full of people?
- The motivation is simple: a pilot in a weird mental state just wants to be remembered for something.
- 9 min
Tim reacts in detail to Joseph Emerson, the Alaska Airlines pilot who took mushrooms and tried to shut off the engines mid-flight, mocking his documentary appearance and warning that airline crew members are broadly unstable and dangerous.
10moments
- Tim notes the pilot's smile while discussing his attempt to down a jetliner, calling him sick and comparing him to the Joker.
- Tim has done mushrooms, LSD, and mescaline but never thought to crash a plane, finding the pilot's motivation absurd.
- Pilot casually asks the other pilots if they want him off the flight deck after attempting to shut off the engines.
- Tim pivots to his years-old claim that air travel workers are the most unstable people he observes, noting their chaotic mental state.
- Airline staff use drugs for 48 hours straight after landing because the job is so terrible, according to Tim's conversations with them.
- Commercial aviation is becoming incredibly dangerous despite feel-good flight attendant performances, with at least one unfit crew member on every flight.
- Tim now examines pilots before boarding to assess their mental state in a split-second decision, telling listeners to do the same.
- Instructions to get to the airport early and observe pilots for signs of being drunk or having mental problems before boarding.
- The pilot and his wife are now using the attempted crash as their brand to promote mental health awareness instead of being barred from aviation.
- Tim criticizes the pilot becoming a spokesman for mental health after nearly killing everyone mid-flight.
Joseph Emersoncommercial aviationLie to FlyAlaska Airlines
- 3 min
Tim continues on pilot mental health regulations, questioning the logic of medicated-but-depressed pilots flying planes, then plays audio from the Germanwings crash where a suicidal co-pilot deliberately crashed the aircraft.
7moments
- Tim frames the core dilemma: would you rather fly with a depressed pilot or a medicated one?
- Tim argues depressed people should do comedy instead of flying planes.
- The real problem: a schizophrenic who lies about it versus someone honest about mental illness.
- Tim supports depression medication but believes certain jobs demand more rigorous psych evaluations.
- Playing audio from the Germanwings crash: passengers and crew screaming, trying to break down the cockpit door.
- Captain's final desperate calls to open the door as the plane descends toward impact.
- Tim concludes he's cautious about pilot mental health standards given what happened with Lubitz.
GermanwingsAndreas Lubitz
- 3 min
Tim promotes ShipStation for e-commerce shipping automation, weaving in a story about his mother's crafty friend who struggled to scale her holiday trinket business due to shipping logistics.
5moments
- ShipStation integrates with over 180 e-commerce platforms and carriers to automate shipping tasks.
- Tim suddenly interrupts himself mid-sentence to say he'd love a Wendy's Frosty right now.
- Tim's mother's friend made holiday trinkets but couldn't figure out shipping, missing potential income.
- Tim claims people making 20 to 40 grand a month selling handmade stuff online because people prefer supporting small creators over chain stores.
- Tim and someone else discuss a squirrel feeder shaped like a table where the squirrel sits to eat corn, but the squirrels won't actually use it.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for the Ibotta app, explaining how users earn cash back on purchases like groceries and back-to-school supplies.
4moments
- Tim suggests downloading Ibotta as a way to earn extra money through cash back on shopping.
- Average Ibotta users earn $256 a year, enough to cover an entire shopping trip or fancy dinner.
- Tim pitches using the $256 savings for back-to-school supplies like Trapper Keepers and backpacks.
- Ibotta is offering listeners $5 just for signing up with code TIM through the App Store or Google Play.
- 9 min
Meghan Markle's Failing Jam Company
#Tim goes on an extended rant about Meghan and Harry moving back to the UK, dissecting the failure of her American Riviera Orchard jam company, the mass staff exodus, and framing her as the perfect symbol of hypocritical celebrity social justice performance.
12moments
- Tim describes Meghan and Harry's plan to return to Britain with conditions: a new house and palace security, despite claiming the country is unsafe for them.
- Meghan Markle came to America, failed on Spotify and Netflix, and realized she wouldn't be treated as a hero—just another LA person trying to get into parties.
- Her jam company American Orchard lost 18 staffers after sending out only 50 jars, and Tim suggests the suicidal airline pilot as a potential CEO.
- Tim reads the timeline: Markle teased the jam brand in March, set up Instagram, but nothing actually happened—now they're going back to the UK.
- Meghan Markle is the perfect symbol of that specific era in history—a moment that teaches a lesson about self-interest masquerading as racial consciousness and social justice.
- If there was one story to explain the hypocrisy of that time, it's her: actress on Suits, married a prince, went crazy, dragged him to Santa Barbara to sell jam.
- Her conditions for returning to Britain: no staying with Harry's family, a brand new house, and palace security.
- After dancing with people with cleft lips in Africa for photo ops, she came back to America and decided to sling jam to white people at Target instead of setting up a clinic.
- Markle claims one of her most powerful things is wearing an earring to support small designers—this is her activism.
- Reports say Harry and Meghan are demanding and difficult to work for; 20 staff members quit because the company is fake and there's nothing real to do.
- Tim imagines an interaction where Meghan demands an employee log five minutes of personal time spent grabbing a salad while running her errand, obsessing over transparency and good habits.
- This micromanagement probably happened constantly, driving people away from the fake jam company.
Meghan MarkleFriend of the showPrince HarryTargetSuits
- 1 min
Imagined Meghan Markle Office Tyranny Bit
#Tim performs an extended imagined dialogue of Meghan Markle berating employees over minor infractions and demanding personal jam deliveries to celebrities despite family emergencies.
3moments
- Tim as Meghan Markle: Gwyneth Paltrow's jam arrived unopened and may be stuck at the gate house security screening.
- Tim brushes off the employee's claim that his mother had a stroke, saying that's just what happens in life.
- Meghan Markle demands the employee find Zoe Saldana's jam or not bother coming back to the office.
- 2 min
Tim shifts to discussing the upcoming presidential debate in Atlanta hosted by Dana Bash, floating the idea of getting a media pass and setting up an ice cream booth outside, referencing the earlier ice cream stand story, before signing off.
4moments
- The Trump-Biden debates will be the most important debates in recent memory.
- Tim laughs at Kari Lake being told to get off stage at a Trump rally after running seven minutes over.
- The first debate is in Atlanta, hosted by Dana Bash, whom Tim finds boring.
- Tim considers getting a press pass to set up a booth at the debate.