Episode 397 · The Studio Revamp
Presidential Debate Reaction | The Tim Dillon Show #397
Jun 29, 2024 · 1:10:38 · 1,000,000 views · 22 segments, 124 moments indexed
Tim examines the presidential debate, White people who drink wine, nasty retail workers, the death of malls, finance bro summer and your passion finding you.
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- 2 min
Biden's Debate Collapse and His Tragic Family History
#Tim reacts to the first Biden-Trump debate, arguing everyone already knew Biden was in decline and describes Biden's frail appearance and hospice-like condition, then runs through the family tragedies (a son's brain cancer from a burn pit, a wife's fatal car accident, a crack-addict son) that shaped him.
5moments
- Tim says Biden's debate performance wasn't ideal but could have been worse, and he's in the minority thinking so.
- Everyone's acting like they just discovered Biden looks dead, but he's looked barely alive for two years.
- Biden's skin is stretched so tight around his skull it's disturbing, and he seems like he's in hospice.
- Tim believes Biden is almost dead unless someone intervenes with porch time to eke out a few more years.
- Biden's had a rough life—one kid died of brain cancer from a burn pit exposure, and his first wife was hit by a car.
- 3 min
Delaware, Predatory Credit Cards, and Biden's Political Rise
#Tim riffs on Delaware as the corrupt headquarters of predatory subprime credit card companies, recounts getting scammed by a Gold Key credit card, and traces Biden's political career including his 'super predators' and 'articulate black man' comments, and how he beat Bernie Sanders.
7moments
- Biden's son died from brain cancer related to burn pit exposure, while his other son is a crack addict who slept with his brother's widow.
- Tim describes Biden as a senator from Delaware, the most corrupt state, which became the credit card fraud capital.
- Tim's own experience with a predatory Gold Key credit card: $250 limit with a $200 activation fee that left him with nothing.
- Every subprime credit card and payday loan company targeting desperate people is headquartered in Delaware.
- Biden made racist statements when politically necessary, calling Obama the first articulate Black candidate he'd met.
- Tim characterizes Biden as a regular politician with a sad personal life who didn't seem to want the presidency.
- Democrats kept minor candidates in the race to sandbag Bernie Sanders, then flipped the narrative when older Black voters propelled Biden to the nomination.
- 3 min
Was the Debate a Setup to Push Biden Out?
#Tim discusses Biden's fluctuating lucidity during the debate, media outlets quietly reporting his decline for months, and floats the conspiracy (via a Louis CK conversation) that the debate was engineered to force Biden out, comparing it to a dying man's last party.
6moments
- Biden's been declining for a long time, but he has moments of sharpness where he can still go on the attack before receding back into confusion.
- Tim describes watching Biden as abuse — the president gets confused, scared, doesn't know where he is, then remembers he's in a debate and has a lucid moment.
- For a man at the end of his life, the fact that Biden can stand at a debate podium for any length of time is remarkable.
- The Washington Post and New York Times have written articles for months saying he's not really present in meetings — he'll suddenly interject about Ukraine and then disappear again.
- Tim explores the conspiracy theory that the debate was engineered, comparing it to a late-80s scenario where a dying man would put on makeup for one last party.
- Did the White House trot Biden out to feed him to the dogs, or bring him out to see what happens and make the debate a certain thing?
- 4 min
Anyone Can Be President Now, and the CNN Fact Checker Mystery
#Tim argues the debate proved literally anyone could be president, mocks the hollow 'follow your dreams' messaging behind that idea, and questions what the mysterious 'CNN fact checker' actually is before noting Biden was too confused to even lie.
6moments
- Presidents don't do much — the country runs fine even with one who's partially deceased because it's run by different people, not the president.
- Anyone can be president now, which is the worst thing you could tell people instead of 'follow your dreams.'
- Once someone like his friend Ryan realizes he can be president, he'll quit checking IDs at Gold's Gym and run for office — that's when we have a real problem.
- You used to need a patina of something functioning, but destroying that means people know they're being lied to — and they expect it.
- Trump broke the CNN fact checker, but Tim doesn't know what that even is — a machine, a group of people, AI?
- Trump made over 30 false claims at the debate compared to Biden, but Biden was too confused to lie in the first place.
- 4 min
Abortion as the Real Vulnerability, and the Wine-Drunk Suburban Swing Voter
#Tim argues Biden missed the chance to hammer Trump on abortion, then builds out his theory of the true swing voter: wine-drinking, pool-and-patio suburban women who don't want abortion bans or defunded police, illustrated by riffs on their indecisiveness about grocery shopping.
7moments
- Abortion is the real Republican vulnerability that Biden failed to effectively use against Trump in the debate.
- Tim argues the Democratic candidate should have hammered an eight-week abortion ban as the central attack.
- Wine-drinking suburban white women are the only true swing voters, and they oppose both abortion bans and unchecked immigration.
- These pool-and-patio suburbanites don't want either progressive mobs or Charlottesville torch-carrying extremists in their neighborhoods.
- Swing voters believe in so little that they haven't made up their minds—they're indecisive about everything, including basic tasks.
- Tim describes the wine-drunk suburban housewife as so undecided she may or may not go to the grocery store on any given day.
- The wine-drunk suburban soccer mom is the only demographic that actually swings between parties in statistically significant numbers.
Gretchen WhitmerJoe BidenDonald TrumpLincoln RileyGavin Newsom
- 3 min
Newport Beach Christmas Wars and Suburban Political Fatigue
#Continuing the swing-voter bit, Tim imagines suburban families torn apart by political posts on Facebook ruining holiday visits, and the elaborate hosting rituals (rosemary oil, Newport Beach houses) undermined by political chaos.
7moments
- During Trump's presidency, Newport Beach families fractured over politics, with relatives skipping Christmas over MAGA disagreements.
- These suburban women invested in entertaining—learned to cook, bought expensive serving dishes—but now family won't attend because of Facebook posts about Guatemalans.
- Tim questions the purpose of a Newport Beach house if you can't show off the rosemary oil and impress your brother's schoolteacher wife from Ohio anymore.
- White suburban women at pool parties and jewelry events are the actual swing voters—they notice when Biden babbles and foam at the mouth.
- Tim's pitch to these women: abortion access matters because Republicans will take it away, even though most Americans support it.
- He refuses to celebrate abortion or coming out as moral accomplishments the way culture does—surviving is the accomplishment, and what you do to survive is honorable.
- Sucking dick and getting an abortion shouldn't be the two central points of your personality, though both should be allowed.
- 3 min
Abortion, Accomplishment, and Biden's Bizarre 'Ridiculous' Rape Comment
#Tim gives his actual view on abortion (legal but not a 'celebrated victory'), contrasts real accomplishments with performative ones, and highlights Biden's baffling debate line about people being raped by their siblings being called 'ridiculous.'
4moments
- Trump is reinventing himself as a fundamentalist Christian the way Putin adopted Russian Orthodoxy after it was banned under Soviet rule.
- Tim's favorite moment from the debate: Biden says there are a lot of young women being raped by their brothers and sisters and calls it ridiculous.
- The word ridiculous is what makes the comment so funny—it's the term you'd use for traffic, not an epidemic of incestuous rape.
- Biden missed his chance to hammer Trump on the abortion ban during that exchange and never recovered the thread.
- 1 min
Trump Stayed Presidential While Biden Threw Low Blows
#Tim notes Trump remained relatively restrained and diplomatic during the debate while Biden delivered personal insults like 'you have the morals of an alley cat.'
2moments
- Biden took the low blows, calling Trump a loser with the morals of an alley cat.
- Trump stayed presidential by framing the attacks as political persecution rather than matching Biden's personal jabs.
- 7 min
Getting Treated Like a Criminal at Tiffany's
#Tim tells a long story about trying to buy a handbag at Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive for his house manager, getting hassled by a rude employee over shipping paperwork, and expands into a rant about how hostile and dead-eyed retail workers have become everywhere.
10moments
- Tim was at Tiffany's trying to buy a handbag for his house manager who runs his property renovations.
- A surfer guy with a lanyard tells Tim he has to fill out a computer form to ship the bag, refuses to do it himself.
- Tim argues retail workers treat customers like criminals regardless of whether they're buying a lot or a little.
- Stores now station guards at the door like customers are coming in with machetes, treating everyone like violent street thugs.
- A woman at the store asks where he's from; Tim describes seeing a whale in Malibu and how relaxing it was.
- Retail workers are either completely dissociated and spacey or angry and hostile that he's walked in at all.
- Tim acknowledges retail workers probably aren't paid enough and understand corporate abuse, but he's not the rich person to take it out on.
- When Tim bought his house manager her first gift from Dior, he rejected the classy understated option and demanded the most disgusting logo item.
- He chose a Tiffany bag that says 'Please Return to Tiffany's New York' because it was heinous and disgusting, matching her taste from Queens.
- The bag fit perfectly for his house manager who loves ostentatious branding.
- 2 min
Retail Workers, Low Wages, and Unions
#Tim considers that retail employees' hostility might stem from being underpaid and unappreciated by corporations, comparing it to his own past bad jobs like being a tour guide who got punched by a Russian tourist.
4moments
- Tim reflects on Scott Beck's comedy bit about retail workers being monsters, acknowledging the fashionable take while defending people who work jobs they hate.
- Story: Tim worked as a tour guide and barely gave tours, once getting punched in the stomach by a Russian woman visiting in freezing February because hotel prices were low.
- Tim argues he understood when he was bad at his job that he deserved nothing more, rather than demanding compensation for poor performance.
- Retail stores have become so miserable and ugly that everyone shops online instead of dealing with walking into them.
Scott SeissNew York
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for ShipStation, describing its multi-carrier shipping automation, dashboard, and discount features for e-commerce businesses.
2moments
- Tim describes entrepreneurs coming to him anxious about saving money while running their e-commerce businesses effectively.
- ShipStation integrates whatever you sell online and streamlines workflow so businesses can grow even on summer vacation.
- 3 min
Tim promotes Helix mattresses, praising the Midnight Lux model, the sleep quiz, and the 100-night trial, describing them as what he uses in every home and guest room.
4moments
- Tim explains why everyone who visits asks about his mattresses—one word: Helix.
- The Midnight Lux is Tim's pick for the top-of-the-line Helix mattress.
- Tim says mattress shopping at the mall is humiliating, lying on beds in front of strangers.
- Helix offers 100-night trial and 10-to-15-year warranty because everyone sleeps differently.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Morgan and Morgan injury law firm, riffing darkly on summer car accidents and slip-and-fall injuries before citing case results and contact info.
5moments
- Tim declares it the summer of car accidents, with distracted drivers causing injuries left and right.
- Morgan and Morgan pitch: America's largest injury law firm with 100 offices and over $2 billion recovered for 500,000 clients.
- Tim warns that slip-and-fall injuries are coming too—kids on slides, bent legs, situations requiring legal compensation.
- Morgan and Morgan case examples: $8.2 million against an IHOP, $3 million settlement for a woman burned by scalding coffee.
- Morgan and Morgan closes: 100+ offices nationwide, 1,000+ lawyers, proven track record, fees free unless they win.
- 3 min
Tim discusses an article about malls reinventing themselves with escape rooms and axe throwing to survive, contrasting the joyful mall culture of the 1990s with today's miserable shopping experience.
4moments
- Malls now need escape rooms and axe-throwing to lure people back because shopping itself has become a nightmare
- Tim recalls when shopping was fun and people made friends at malls; now retail workers run away from customers
- 1996 malls looked vibrant with happy shoppers, offering frozen yogurt and movies—a stark contrast to today
- Consumption is the only culture America has, and stores are making it deliberately difficult and unpleasant
American MallSketchersWoody Allen
- 6 min
Make Shopping a Religion Again
#Tim expands into a riff arguing that consumption is America's only real culture and that luxury retail should treat customers like they're entering a cathedral, imagining an ideal fawning Tiffany's employee versus the real rude one he encountered.
11moments
- Shopping should be treated like a religion, made into a spiritual experience instead of just consumption.
- Luxury brands like Christian Dior now sell everything from umbrellas to furniture through popups.
- Stores sell candles that smell like the store itself so people can recreate that feeling at home.
- Our entire culture is built on the premise that buying things makes you happy and gives life meaning.
- Walking into Tiffany or Louis Vuitton should feel like attending midnight Mass at a cathedral.
- Retail workers shouldn't make customers fill out forms; they should guide them and make them feel good.
- Stores have failed because they treat workers poorly; they need to be paid better and allowed to actually enjoy their jobs.
- Malls and stores have closed in recent decades, visible proof of retail's decline as a business sector.
- Madison Avenue and Rodeo Drive should be treated as holy places because shopping is what America does well.
- A man buying earrings for his wife or a bag for his house manager should be treated like a humanitarian doing good deeds.
- The staff at Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive were mean to him because he and his house manager are both fat.
Tiffany'sBergdorf GoodmanLouis VuittonTiffany & Co.shoppingNordstromMadison AvenueRodeo Drive+2 more
- 2 min
Tim promotes the Game Time app for buying last-minute concert and sports tickets, describing flash deals, zone deals, and price guarantees.
2moments
- Tim introduces Game Time as his favorite new app for purchasing tickets to concerts, sporting events, and theater with last-minute deals up to 60% off.
- Tim's preferred use case: calling friends and family to surprise them with tickets to events, which he considers better than giving material gifts.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Liquid Death water, joking about people mistaking it for alcohol and touting its environmental recycling angle.
3moments
- Liquid Death marketing pitch: water in tall boy cans that 'brutally murder your thirst' with infinitely recyclable packaging
- Tim endorses Liquid Death, particularly for sober people at parties who want others to think they're drinking alcohol
- Promotion details: free shipping on Amazon Prime, available at 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, and Whole Foods
- 6 min
Tim mocks a Wall Street Journal trend piece claiming finance men are suddenly a hot dating commodity, tearing apart the viral 'man in finance' TikTok and the naivety of women shocked that wealthy men are desirable.
10moments
- Wall Street Journal discovers that wealthy men are an "unexpected hot commodity" in dating, prompting Tim to question the writer's intelligence.
- Tim identifies the article's author as someone embedded in Bushwick bubble culture who thinks rich guys are a new dating trend.
- Most people actually want a finance guy who can provide heated floors and a nice kitchen, not some pretentious rich kid filmmaker doing coke in South America.
- Tim asks whether the Wall Street Journal editor's brain is riddled with strokes, given the article's premise that wealthy men are newly desirable.
- New York City media types live in bubbles where finance is considered gross and everyone pretends to do something creative with no actual talent.
- These bubble-dwellers are shocked when they realize people outside their simulation actually want men with money and high status.
- Rich guys get mocked for Patagonia vests and being boring, but this trade-off has never gone out of style—it's not a new trend.
- The viral TikTok by Megan Bonnie searching for a man in finance with a trust fund and blue eyes reduces the entire premise to absurdity.
- A significant portion of women don't want to work and want a rich guy to buy them a house so they can have kids—but the Journal treats this as news.
- Tim notes that while some women want corporate careers, many don't, and the article acts surprised by this basic human truth.
Wall Street JournalMegan BonnieChristina ComosHannah Maya
- 5 min
The Big New York Lie: 'I Don't Care About Money'
#Tim identifies the recurring lie told by New Yorkers that they don't care about money, contrasts it with his own experience being broke while chasing comedy, and argues passions choose people rather than the other way around.
8moments
- The big lie everyone in New York tells: 'I don't care about money.'
- The more someone says they don't care about money, the more they secretly care about it and envy others.
- Life without money sucks unless you're passionate about something; being broke and purposeless is unthinkable.
- Stop pretending to have a passion if you don't—passion chooses you, you don't choose it.
- Genetics and circumstances decide what you're good at; a seven-foot gorgeous woman loves modeling, a guy born in Malibu loves surfing.
- Maybe you're meant to get rich, maybe you're meant to be compassionate, maybe you're a sex criminal—whatever it is, your path chooses you.
- Drifting through life without passion is actually beautiful; people with passions are usually less happy overall.
- The president spent his whole life dreaming of the big job and big desk, and now he's just trying to insult people with his soft voice—that's where passion gets you.
Wall Street JournalNew YorkUnited States presidency
- 4 min
The Virtue of Drifting Without Money, and No Loyalty to a Corpse
#Tim praises aimless, non-committal living as the key to happiness but notes it requires someone else to bankroll it, then pivots to how Democratic institutions show no real loyalty to Biden, comparing his political abandonment to Christine Blasey Ford's.
8moments
- The ideal life is drifting in and out of things without commitment, but you need a little money to make it work
- Women realize they can't just start an antique store or restaurant—they need a man to bankroll their hobbies
- The happiest people aren't those consumed by passion from dawn to dusk, but those comfortable being aimless
- Tim describes the ideal undecided life: making calls, doing laundry, watching Judge Judy, reading about Thailand beaches
- These pool-and-patio types are the undecided voters that both political parties must work to convince
- The media and campaign insiders are now throwing Biden under the bus despite everything they've put him through
- There's no loyalty even to the corpse—he's just a vessel for something bigger than himself
- Politicians aren't about the individual; it's about preserving something larger, which is why a dead person can still run things
- 4 min
Gavin Newsom the Snake, and the Clear and Present Danger 'Best Friends' Line
#Tim characterizes Gavin Newsom as a treacherous, ambitious opportunist lying in wait to replace Biden, uses a Clear and Present Danger movie analogy about giving reporters 'nowhere to go,' and plays/reacts to real Newsom clips defending Biden.
7moments
- Tim describes Gavin Newsom as a snake in the grass, an empty suit who lives on a vineyard and believes in nothing.
- Tim explains how he can simultaneously dislike Newsom as a politician and as a person while still respecting his treachery.
- Tim reads Newsom's response to Biden stepping back as a calculated move—Newsom is lying in wait, ready to pounce with just enough venom.
- Tim references the movie Clear and Present Danger, where a president's advisor tells him to say a friend is not just a friend but a lifelong best friend to give critics nowhere to go.
- Newsom tells the press that he and Biden are lifelong best friends, directly following the script from the movie.
- Tim explains that Newsom can't dump Biden because he'd have to run on the Biden agenda if he enters the race.
- Tim ends the show wishing Tom Clancy were still alive to see Newsom's playbook unfold.
Gavin NewsomJoe BidenClear and Present DangerTiffany'sTom Clancy
- 1 min
Tim closes the episode with a quick final riff on the 'best friends' messaging strategy and thanks the audience, signing off for the week.
2moments
- Tim explains how he'd answer a reporter asking if he and Harden were friends by giving contradictory denials that leave no story to report.
- Sign-off: "This is the Tim Dillon Show."
Harden