Episode 186 · Post-Ben
Patreon Bonus #186 - The Tim Dillon Show
Feb 12, 2023 · 1:05:39 · 296,000 views · 27 segments, 141 moments indexed
Since Tim is out of the office with Covid we put out this weeks Patreon, which incidentally, was one of his best rants of the last 7 years.
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- 1 min
Tim reads an ExpressVPN sponsor spot about big tech tracking and selling personal data, and how the app hides your IP address with one tap.
4moments
- Tim started using ExpressVPN after learning how many people were buying and selling his data online for less than seven dollars per month.
- Big tech companies like Twitter make money by tracking searches, video history, and everything you click on, then selling your personal data.
- ExpressVPN hides your IP address, a unique identifier that allows big tech to match your activity back to you.
- The best part is how easy the ExpressVPN app is to use—just tap one button on your phone or computer to turn it on.
- 1 min
Madonna Looks Like Bram Stoker's Dracula
#Cold open riffing on the Grammys, starting with the claim that excessive cosmetic work has made Madonna resemble the vampire from Bram Stoker's Dracula.
2moments
- Madonna looks exactly like the vampire from Bram Stoker's Dracula
- Tim argues there's a threshold where cosmetic procedures make the body fight back, resulting in a demonic appearance
- 2 min
Sam Smith's Career Arc: Thin Singer to 'Satan'
#Tim traces how Sam Smith's attention cycle went from being a thin ballad singer, to coming out gay, to non-binary, to finally being called 'Satan' once he got fat, arguing Hollywood is fundamentally an image business.
6moments
- The right wing sees Satanism in everything, but Sam Smith's actual problem is different.
- Tim traces Smith's career: started thin singing good songs, came out as gay, then non-binary, then got fat — and suddenly people paid attention by calling him Satan.
- Hollywood doesn't work if people are gross or ugly, and Smith's fundamental issue is he looks like a plumber.
- Smith showing up in devil horns and a red onesie while looking like someone there to fix your HVAC is the problem.
- To pull off androgynous stuff you need David Bowie charisma and magic; Harry Styles gets closer but he's just a knockoff.
- Sam Smith looks like someone's drunk uncle at a Halloween party — plastic devil horns don't change that.
- 3 min
Fat Chicks From Hot Topic Are Now the Culture
#He compares the outrage over Sam Smith's devil-horns Grammy performance to being scared of the goth girl working at Hot Topic, arguing there's no substance behind the Satanic imagery, just attention-seeking.
5moments
- Tim on right-wing outrage over performers evoking devil imagery at awards shows—happens every year but Christians watch to get angry
- Hot Topic employees with dog collars aren't Satanists, just fat chicks seeking attention
- Right-wingers mad that people who disagree with them make decent music and content
- Hollywood is an image business built on attractive people, some talented and some not
- Sam Smith's controversial music video would offend fewer people if he weren't heavy—people confused about why an unattractive performer is doing shock content
- 6 min
Why Sam Smith Doesn't Work: No Star Charisma
#Tim argues stars need to have magnetic charisma the way Bowie or Beyoncé do, and that Sam Smith's plumber-like appearance combined with pasties and devil costumes just confuses rather than seduces the public.
11moments
- Tim argues that performers like Sam Smith are just trying to be edgy and get attention, asking why parents let their kids watch if they're concerned.
- The cartoonish satanic aesthetic—chanting, incense, robes—looks less like genuine ritual and more like Hot Topic fashion worn by the biggest stars in the country.
- Award shows used to feature one or two people dressed outrageously; now everyone exits a Halloween store, and the escalation has become absurd.
- Sam Smith started as a normal singer but realized that to get real attention, he'd have to become a Hot Topic character with dog collar, betting on praise for being 'beautiful and brave.'
- A star has to make people feel inferior in their bones—when you see Beyoncé, you know she's better. With Sam Smith's appearance, people are just confused.
- The most recent video shows Sam Smith in pasties and what looks like a hospital gown; the look is so chaotic that people can't even parse what he's wearing.
- People aren't necessarily homophobic or transphobic; they're confused about why a guy who looks like a plumber wears Elizabethan clothing and Victorian house dresses with pasties.
- Tim says the culture has rotted so thoroughly on both sides that there's no meaningful take left to have about any of this anymore.
- One side wants increasingly disgusting visuals; the other sees child predation everywhere. Sam Smith is just chasing money, not corrupting kids.
- Parents can keep their children from watching this. If they can't, they're bad parents—and if kids then dress this way and make millions, so be it.
- The entire spectacle—people caring that performers jump around in devil costumes at awards shows—has zero meaning and is not worth discussing.
- 4 min
America Is an Embarrassment, UK Is Better Run
#He declares the whole controversy meaningless, says the country is an abomination, and argues the UK is a genuinely better-run country to live in for most people, referencing a conversation with Shane Gillis.
4moments
- Tim calls America an abomination and embarrassment, unsure why people immigrate there.
- The UK is a better-run country than America in every respect, according to Tim's conversation with Shane Gillis.
- Tim argues the UK's setup works better for ordinary people than America's, despite being gray and rainy.
- America has no purpose or reason to exist as a nation.
- 1 min
There's No Reason We Exist Except to Get Fat and Fight
#A short bridging riff declaring humanity exists only to do drugs, get fat, and blame each other, tying into his new comedy special's theme of telling people to leave.
1moment
- Tim explains his new comedy's core message: telling people to just get out, to leave.
- 4 min
Satanism Has No Principles, Just Money
#Tim argues actual Satanists have principles while pop performers cynically use Satanic imagery purely for profit, and that the real horror is the banality behind their eyes; he pivots into wishing for America to be nuked for the sake of art.
8moments
- Satanism isn't actually about worshiping Satan—the religion is about ego gratification.
- These people claiming to be Satanists are just trying to make money, and actual Satanists would reject them.
- Evil people have principles; what's scary is people with nothing behind their eyes, completely empty.
- The culture is so boring and corporate that performers have to dress like demons and jump around for attention.
- They know exactly what will trend on Twitter—a song called 'Unholy' with demonic imagery designed to make people angry.
- The people outraged by this content can't afford to go to the doctor because they're distracted by culture war nonsense.
- Tim argues the country should get nuked just to make art and culture interesting again.
- Nuclear mutants and post-apocalyptic survival would be more compelling than the current state of American culture.
satanismThe Hills Have Eyes
- 3 min
America Needs a War to Reset the Culture
#He escalates the nuking bit into a call for a serious, bloody, multi-year war with China or Russia to reset a culture he sees as irreparably degenerate.
8moments
- Tim argues the ruling class knows America needs a war to reset the culture, claiming a Chinese invasion would be better than the current meaningless pile of garbage.
- If China attacked the Grammy Awards, that would be the perfect cultural pivot from where things stand now.
- A serious, years-long, bloody war with death is the only thing that will fix this fat, dumb, disgusting country.
- Tim describes how America has made the chubby girl from Hot Topic famous and is now treating her as the greatest threat.
- Unless there's a multi-year war with China and Russia that wipes out half the population, things will only degenerate further.
- Without a good nuking, America is in trouble—the country needs 9/11s every day for a year to get back on track.
- The real demons running this country, wearing suits and sitting in bunkers, know America needs a war and that's why they keep going to Russia.
- Tim connects his feelings about the Sam Smith situation to the broader cultural crisis.
- 3 min
Grammy Backstage Drugs and 'Kill Your Kids' Riff
#Tim describes performers being drugged just to get through the show, laments there's nowhere left for culture to go, and tells offended parents to just let their kids grow up in this world or effectively give up.
7moments
- Tim argues nothing of cultural value is produced in America anymore, and he's deeply ashamed to participate in the media landscape discussing it.
- At the Grammys, everyone is on major drugs—they have to shoot performers up to get them in the limos and argue with them just to perform.
- Tim delivers the 'kill your kids' line: if they're offended by the state of culture, they should be killed because this is what they're growing up in.
- The country has made a fat girl from Hot Topic the biggest star, and will create movies celebrating her drug use and sexual acts as 'bravery.'
- Tim frames his suggestion that America needs to be nuked as purely for artistic purposes, preempting inevitable clip-driven outrage.
- A major war or real climate disaster would be preferable to this—at least then there would be something genuine to make movies about.
- Being edgy now just means wearing red, jumping around, and claiming to be Satan—the bar has completely bottomed out.
GrammysHot Topic
- 2 min
Parents Won't Just Take the Phone Away
#He mocks parents who complain about content but won't simply take away their kids' phones or parent them directly, framing it as laziness rather than a systemic problem.
4moments
- Tim tells parents to shut off the internet and stop pretending they care so much about content their kids consume.
- Tim argues parents can't demand that junkie drug addicts running rampant in the universe share their values.
- Parents hope the Grammy Awards align with their children's values, which Tim calls delusional.
- Tim expresses disgust with the country and wishes it would be bombed to the brink of extinction.
Grammy AwardsCarnival hat
- 1 min
- 5 min
Reading from a news story about the Proud Family cartoon depicting a town built on slavery and a $5 million reparations board, Tim tells outraged parents to simply not let their kids watch it and read them Narnia instead.
9moments
- Disney's new cartoon lectures white people through black characters.
- The Proud Family episode features characters discovering their town was built on slavery and presents a reparations proposal.
- Tim doesn't have the energy for this fight anymore; the country is becoming a factory of misery.
- People depend on Disney to raise their kids instead of creating their own moral universe for their families.
- His godson watches animal videos and doesn't need elaborate films with hundred-million-dollar budgets.
- Parents complain there's nothing to watch for their kids but won't read them books instead.
- Kids shouldn't be told when young that they're oppressors or learn about ninety-five genders.
- Corporations only care about making money, not family values or what's best for children.
- The solution is to opt out of the system entirely and read your kids books instead.
DisneyThe Proud Family: Louder and Prouderparenting through screensCalifornia reparations board
- 1 min
Sponsor read for BlueChew, a chewable erectile dysfunction medication delivered by mail with a licensed prescription.
3moments
- Tim on remembering when you were always ready to go and not dismissing BlueChew without trying it
- BlueChew delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis in a chewable tablet at a fraction of the cost
- Sign up at bluetooth.com with promo code TD for your first month free
- 1 min
Sponsor read for HelloFresh meal kits, pitched as an easy way to cook at home and save money for New Year's resolutions.
2moments
- Tim pitches HelloFresh by tying it to New Year's resolutions about fitness, cooking more, and saving money.
- He emphasizes the speed and affordability of making restaurant-quality meals at home with the service.
- 2 min
Nobody Cares About Actually Homeless Kids
#Tim argues parents obsess over cartoon content while ignoring homeless children who lack food or basic material needs, calling out the misplaced priorities.
4moments
- Raising kids isn't easy and nobody told you it would be — his friends have children watching all sorts of content beyond the culture war targets people complain about.
- Tim finds it weird that parents complain about content existing without taking responsibility for what their kids actually consume.
- He's tired of the talk about caring for kids — everyone focuses on 'magic children' in the culture war while actual homeless kids have no food and nobody cares about them.
- Tim asks whether the country worries about children without material things or just about one Disney cartoon that makes people uncomfortable.
- 3 min
Fantasizing About Nuclear War and the Schizophrenic Aunt Metaphor
#He elaborates on wanting a nuclear exchange to shake up the culture, then compares America to a rich, manic, schizophrenic aunt who barges in demanding everyone start a business.
6moments
- Tim fantasizes about a nuclear exchange happening in America to shake people out of their stupor.
- He doubts a nuclear war would actually change anything, predicting people would just keep arguing about cartoons.
- Visiting Europe revealed to Tim that other countries function fine without America's chaos and obsession with productivity.
- America is a country of schizophrenics, like a wealthy, medicated, overweight aunt who shows up to parties uninvited.
- The schizophrenic aunt analogy: she interrupts family relaxation to push entrepreneurship and moneymaking on the kids.
- Tim argues America is the least happy place he's ever been, with people experiencing mania rather than genuine happiness.
- 4 min
Nobody in America Is Happy, Just Manic
#Tim argues Americans are never simply happy, only manic or depressed, recounting his own road rage over a broken car radio and reiterating his wish for war or disaster to reset the culture.
10moments
- Nobody in America is happy, just manic—people are either psychopaths running around or so depressed they're jumping out of windows.
- Tim's Bentley radio broke and he spent the drive reading angry tweets at stoplights instead of listening to music.
- He doesn't want people to think he's negative when he suggests a nuclear war would help the country.
- Nobody's good at anything anymore; the best America can do is put a plumber in a Satan outfit and have people argue about it corrupting children.
- Even Beyoncé's new album is just fine—she's phenomenal but the album's not amazing.
- Instead of getting upset about things not being good, people should just be happy with their families and read their kids books.
- The insanity of everything has stopped being funny or fun to talk about and is now just boring.
- Nothing changes; his father said nothing has really changed since the 1960s despite the internet existing.
- Tim's father checked out completely—he pets his dogs and plays golf without caring about anything, which is the only way to actually get by.
- Twitter should be deleted; the internet has become a factory of horrors and people need to go back outside to detox from it.
- 1 min
Reacting to a news story about Oregon becoming a death tourism destination for assisted suicide, Tim jokes people should be able to end their lives there simply out of exhaustion with the news, not just terminal illness.
3moments
- Tim praises Oregon for becoming America's first death tourism destination, allowing people to come to the state and kill themselves.
- Dr. Death operates an assisted suicide clinic offering terminally ill out-of-state patients a deadly cocktail of drugs.
- Canada's assisted suicide program went too far by letting teenagers kill themselves, though Tim acknowledges you can apparently write a note there and opt out anytime.
- 2 min
Craving a Vacation and Relapse Jokes
#He talks about needing a break from the news cycle, joking about relapsing into drugs like heroin or crack after 12 years sober, and says the happiest people barely follow the news.
6moments
- Tim questions why people care about others ending their lives, calling the country insane for preventing someone from dying while suffering.
- Tim says he needs a vacation and wants to leave the country, specifically mentioning Florida as a place to sit on the beach and escape.
- Going to Florida, you should relapse if you're sober—start smoking crack or shooting heroin, Tim jokes, as a way to end your career going out big.
- Tim admits he's been sober for 12 years and every day wonders if he should start smoking crack cocaine to destroy his career.
- Tim says he's tired of commenting on the news and doesn't want to be part of what he feels is killing everyone and destroying life on Earth.
- The happiest people Tim knows barely pay attention to current events, but he can't tune out because it's his job as a commentator.
- 2 min
Riffing on a story about J.Lo and Ben Affleck's tense Grammy moment, Tim fantasizes about them staging a public murder-suicide pact in a Beverly Hills restaurant to prove fame and money don't bring happiness.
7moments
- Tim wishes Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck would kill each other in a suicide pact and shoot each other in the face.
- Tim argues that money and fame aren't great, and the best lesson for such a couple would be demonstrating this through mutual suicide in a public restaurant.
- The scenario expands: they'd sing an old sea shanty like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall before shooting each other in the head.
- Tim compares this to Kanye becoming a Nazi as examples of events moving society in the right direction.
- In the fantasy, they sing Happy Birthday while diners applaud, thinking it's a performance, before they shoot each other.
- Tim imagines an onlooker's confusion: eating calamari when Jennifer Lopez's brain matter hits their plate, wondering why two seemingly happy people would kill each other in a restaurant.
- Tim concludes with the thought that maybe everyone is living wrong.
- 2 min
Accepting Your Kid Might Be a Fat Trans Satanist
#He builds an extended bit telling parents they must accept that some of their children will grow up to be 'fat trans satanists' and that they can't control that outcome.
7moments
- Tim argues that maybe society's values are wrong and needs disruption to reconsider what's actually good at the top.
- Sam Smith's controversy is just something for people to yell about during the day, like a fat girl with a dog collar from Hot Topic who became a star.
- Parents aren't entirely wrong to be upset, but they have the power to not let their kids watch garbage instead of relying on complaints.
- It's the parents' job to guide their children, but some kids are just fat satanists and you can't stop them from being that way.
- You have to accept that some of your children are fat trans satanists and decide whether to love them or not.
- The information landscape has changed so much that your kid's life won't be anything like yours and they'll have to figure out what to believe on their own.
- You can't shelter children from everything, and some of them are just fat trans satanists.
- 4 min
Raising Your Kids to Be Fat Trans Satanists on Purpose
#The bit escalates into a mock parenting speech encouraging kids to eat ice cream, pick any gender, and worship Satan, plus a fantasy about a fat trans Satanist Republican candidate running on low corporate taxes.
7moments
- Tim describes the ideal way to talk about your daughter becoming a fat trans Satanist to your friend Bob.
- It's easy to love your kids if they're exactly like you, but harder if they're morbidly obese trans Satanists.
- By the time current ten-year-olds turn eighteen, everybody will be a fat trans Satanist, and those who aren't will face Jim Crow-style ostracization.
- Tim advises parents to tell their children to eat unlimited ice cream, pick any gender, and worship Satan to give them tools to succeed.
- He's become so desensitized that finding a 900-pound devil-horned employee at Starbucks would barely register as notable.
- Tim argues that being a fat trans Satanist is fun, which is why Republicans can't win against it unless they run a capitalist fat trans Satanist.
- The political opposition has nothing fun to pitch, which is why morbidly obese trans Satanism appears to be the only way to have fun in the country anymore.
- 2 min
Just Let Them Be Goblins: The Chronicles of Narnia Bit
#Continuing the parenting riff, Tim imagines parents giving up on reading their kids Narnia after only a few pages and instead accepting them as 'goblins,' later joking about telling friends the kid died of leukemia.
4moments
- Tim suggests reading children The Chronicles of Narnia as an alternative to accepting modern culture.
- Parents will give up after nine pages and just accept their kids becoming fat trans Satanists instead.
- Fat trans kids singing the 'Unholy' song at the body shop becomes the default family activity.
- Tim's final advice: either read them the books or just let them be goblins for 18 years, then deny knowing them.
The Chronicles of NarniaUnholy
- 3 min
Post-Nuke Rebuilding Speech Bit
#He performs a mock presidential speech about rebuilding after a nuclear war that conveniently wipes out both fat trans satanists and the people angry at them, framing mass death as an ironic cultural reset.
5moments
- Tim argues a war would help shape people up and solve societal problems.
- Imagining post-nuclear politicians giving speeches about rebuilding after mutual annihilation.
- Tim frames a nuclear scenario where 80 million people die but 'dead weight' is eliminated.
- A good reset would require some catastrophic event like an alien invasion.
- The real problem is there's too much money in being crazy and insane in this country.
- 2 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour cities including Raleigh, Tucson, Phoenix, Monterey, Vancouver, Napa, Palm Beach, Inglewood, and Huntington, and points people to TimDillonComedy.com, closing with a call to read children Dickens and Narnia.
4moments
- Tim's live shows are mainly about dating.
- Tour dates listed: Raleigh, Tucson, Phoenix, Monterey, Vancouver, Napa, Palm Beach, Inglewood, Huntington, and New Brunswick.
- His closing advice: read your kids literature like Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, and Dickens instead of being angry at Sam Smith.
- Tim frames the message as ultimately one of hope.
- 2 min
Out-of-Context Clips and the Rich Guys' Cigar Lounge Bit
#Closing riff acknowledging how many lines from the episode could be clipped out of context to end his career, followed by an imagined scene of wealthy men in a mountain retreat nostalgic for 9/11 and complaining about a fat, trans, satanist populace.
3moments
- Tim notes his out-of-context clips include him saying everyone will be a fat trans Satanist, which he frames as a love letter to a bright future if the country gets nuked.
- Rich guys in mountain cabin retreats smoking cigars, discussing how 9/11's memory has faded and everyone is now fat and Satanist instead of thin like their Yale rowing days.
- Time flies by when you love what you do, and Tim claims nobody loves it more than him.