rant · moment 8 of 17
Subway: The Full Teardown, Fast Food Nostalgia, and Doughbrick's Pizza
from Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405 · #405
4 min
A long rant expanding on Subway as "moving day food," its collapsing sales and franchisee crisis, the Boomer-era marketing lie that no one has time to cook, and a detour into David Dobrik's grotesque Doughbrick's Pizza.
- Subway is not anyone's favorite food—no one ever picks it as a guilty pleasure, unlike Chick-fil-A or Taco Bell.
- Subway is Moving Day food: utilitarian, suffered through during eight-hour apartment relocations.
- Subway is eaten primarily by government employees, people moving, and human traffickers—consumed only by those without choices or time to think.
- America's gig economy hellscape of stressed, lonely, and overworked people grabbing Subway sandwiches between point A and point B.
- Patrick Mahomes and elite athletes do Subway commercials—a special place in hell exists for athletes who promote disgusting food to make obese children think they eat it too.
- Subway pays elite athletes to endorse a yoga mat bread product so people will eat poison thinking champions do.
- Subway holds emergency meeting with franchisees as sales plummet; costs of poison have risen and people are quitting the chain.
- Subway's gross sales are not even at 2012 levels despite trying new coupons and promotional offers.