Episode 355 · The Studio Revamp
Free Lizzo | The Tim Dillon Show #355
Aug 2, 2023 · 1:09:12 · 585,000 views · 12 segments, 84 moments indexed
Tim dives into the Obama chef accident, Reese’s taking it too far, offers Lizzo advice and has good news for the family of the accused Gilgo beach killer.
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- 2 min
Back from Ibiza, Amalfi Coast, and Denver Comedy Works
#Tim explains his 10-day absence, name-dropping his summer travels and stand-up shows in Denver, then plugs the American Royalty tour dates including Carnegie Hall.
6moments
- Tim spent the last 10 days in Ibiza, the Amalfi Coast, and the south of France because he gets invited to those places.
- He also performed at Denver Comedy Works, describing it as one of the greatest clubs in the world.
- Tim rediscovered how fun it is to do stand-up comedy for a packed room of 300-380 people.
- The American Royalty Tour is on sale now at TimDillonComedy.com, including dates at Carnegie Hall.
- Tim jokes he will ceremoniously take his own life at Carnegie Hall after his show there.
- Denver is a town stuck in the 90s, which he likes.
Carnegie HallDenver Comedy WorksDenverIbizaAmalfi Coast
- 2 min
Denver's Missing Identity and the Green Chili Bloat
#Tim riffs on Denver being a watered-down Portland/Seattle, mocks its aesthetic and people, then insists the altitude bloated him and defends eating a bad green chili burrito.
4moments
- Denver lacks a real identity—it's Portland and Seattle's middle ground where people can be weird but not too weird, bisexual but still gendered.
- Tim explains his bloating in Denver is due to high altitude, not diet, and preemptively dismisses the inevitable comments disagreeing with him.
- While every comedian he knows is vacationing in Europe or Italy, Tim is stuck in Denver eating green chili.
- Green chili is not good, and Tim ate a green chili smothered burrito in Denver instead of being somewhere cool like Ibiza.
- 15 min
Tim dives into the death of Obama's private chef Tafari Campbell, speculating wildly about an affair gone wrong, comparing it to the earlier death of Clinton chef Walter Scheib, and riffing on how dangerous it is to be near powerful political families, including the Cheney/Scalia hunting accident tangent.
13moments
- Obama's chef Tafari Campbell drowning at Martha's Vineyard estate described as 'not a big deal'
- Tim speculates what he would do if he were Obama with a hot chef who got mouthy
- Chef was supposedly a very strong swimmer, yet drowned in a pond—police won't explain why 911 call reason was left blank
- Democrats run Martha's Vineyard the same way they've run it since Teddy Kennedy; they protect their own
- Chef was at Obama residence while Obamas weren't there—Tim questions why a chef would get to use their estate alone
- Videos show Campbell swimming seven or eight years ago with flippers on; Tim concludes 'this man was murdered'
- Clinton's White House chef also died from drowning in 2015, found in a ravine in New Mexico mountains
- Hiking death is more plausible than paddle boarding death in a pond behind the house
- Tim constructs scenario where chef tries to discuss something with person on paddle board, then gets injected with something
- Strange accidents keep happening around people who run the country—employees, Secret Service agents, dog walkers
- Antonin Scalia died on hunting trip; Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington in the face—list of accidents near powerful people
- Tim wouldn't drown easily because he would yell at the beach and embarrass everyone, including the children watching
- No information will ever be known about any of these things—that's the actual problem
Tafari CampbellMartha's VineyardHarry WhittingtonObamasWalter ScheibAntonin ScaliaDick CheneyTed Kennedy+3 more
- 1 min
Princess Diana Should Have Sued
#A quick, dark one-liner tying the prior conspiracy riff to Princess Diana and legal action.
1moment
- Tim suggests someone should have taken legal action against people
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Morgan & Morgan injury law firm that turns into a bit imagining Tim as a paparazzi-chased royal figure who "would have gone Morgan and Morgan."
5moments
- Tim does a Princess Diana bit set to a Morgan & Morgan injury lawyer ad
- Submitting a claim to Morgan and Morgan is easier than hiring a lawyer, or like using an app
- Tim narrates Princess Diana driving next to her Middle Eastern fiancé, noticing motorcycles that might be paparazzi or intelligence agents
- Punchline: the motorcyclists cause the fatal crash, royal family wins again
- Tim closes the ad with 'I'm the people's princess'
- 3 min
Reese's, Nanny State Nostalgia, and Banning Franken Foods
#Tim praises the classic Reese's Peanut Butter Cup ratio, invokes Bloomberg-era food bans, and argues for banning "Franken foods" like the Oreo Cakester and donut burgers.
5moments
- Tim argues there should be laws against how restaurants fill Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
- The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup achieves perfection through its chocolate-to-peanut-butter ratio and shouldn't be altered except for Easter.
- Tim compares Reese's restraint to Oreo's failed experiments with variants like the Cakester.
- The country needs to ban Franken Foods—unholy combinations like donut burgers that push culinary boundaries into the heinous.
- Government power should stop pop-ups in Times Square selling grotesque food inventions.
Reese's Peanut Butter CupMichael BloombergOreo
- 7 min
Stuff Your Cup at Hershey Park
#Tim watches and reacts to a video of the Reese's "Stuff Your Cup" experience at Hershey Park, calling for parents who bring kids there to be arrested and predicting mass obesity deaths.
10moments
- Tim describes pop-up candy cereal experiences at theme parks as feeding children garbage in a Disney-like environment.
- Stuff your own one-pound Peanut Butter Cup is a uniquely American phenomenon you won't find in Europe.
- Tim notes that in much of the country right now it's so hot people can't walk outside and are developing rashes under their breasts.
- The self-serve frozen yogurt concept is disgusting and exactly like what Tim pitched for his Comedy Central half-hour.
- Americans cannot handle the freedom of choosing what goes in their body—why Chipotle burritos can't close and frozen yogurt costs thirty-eight dollars.
- Families taking their fat kids to stuff their Reese's cup should go directly to jail, because everybody's going to be a legless pig very soon.
- At Hershey Park, you can create a one-pound chocolate cup filled with peanut butter, crushed peanut butter cups, and Reese's Pieces.
- Tim watches the video and notes they're eating this massive cup outside in ninety-degree heat while it melts all over their faces.
- You can put potato chips and bacon bits folded into the peanut butter, but it doesn't even seem good anymore.
- Tim points out the outrage over Dylan Mulvaney and Bud Light while nobody is canceling the people marketing bacon bits and peanut butter to children.
Reese'sComedy CentralHershey ParkDylan MulvaneyChipotleBud Light
- 2 min
Tim plugs Helix mattresses, describing the sleep quiz and hybrid coil/foam design, and gives the discount code for listeners.
5moments
- Tim says he stuffs his cup wherever he walks and wants to, dismissing the idea of not doing it at home.
- Guests in his New York house consistently praise the Helix mattresses, which he received discounted but would pay full price for.
- Helix uses a quiz to determine sleep preferences—hot sleeper, firmness level, sleep position—and engineers a custom mattress based on the answers.
- He's owned Helix mattresses for years and prefers them to thousands-of-dollars tempur-pedic alternatives.
- Every guest room in his house has Helix mattresses and everyone, despite sleeping differently, likes them.
- 1 min
Tim reads a Bespoke Post Box of Awesome ad, joking about a mystery oxygen mask item and pitching it as a gift idea, with a discount code.
4moments
- Tim ranks Helix as the best package he receives monthly, better than his Box of Awesome subscription.
- Box of Awesome unboxing: oxygen mask and gear from small brands worldwide, valued around seventy dollars.
- Tim pitches Box of Awesome as a gift for people moving or going to school—twelve gifts in one that recipients remember all year.
- Ninety percent of Box of Awesome contents come from small up-and-coming brands, except Nike.
- 16 min
Tim unpacks the Lizzo dancer lawsuit alleging weight-shaming, religious harassment, and a bizarre Amsterdam strip club incident with bananas and dildos, riffing on the dangers of declaring yourself "queen" of any group and his own philosophy on hiring and mocking fat employees.
11moments
- Lizzo has made herself the queen of fat people, which Tim argues is inherently unstable.
- Tim describes the body positivity movement Lizzo represents: big is beautiful, don't shame me, I am what I am.
- Tim's personal stance on fat employees: he respects them but doesn't sleep with them and watches them closely for sloth and lack of motivation.
- Lizzo's show 'Watch Out for the Big Girls' featured backup dancers she hired specifically because they looked like her.
- The backup dancers turned on Lizzo, claiming they were weight-shamed by her despite all being fat.
- When too many fat people are grouped together, they police each other's weight and behavior like crack addicts in a house judging who's using too much.
- Tim argues that diversity requires a sprinkling of different people; you can't have every fat person in the world on one tour bus.
- Three of Lizzo's former dancers sued, accusing her of sexual harassment, weight shaming, and creating a hostile work environment.
- In Amsterdam, Lizzo allegedly pressured dancers to touch nude performers and eat bananas protruding from their vaginas at a strip club.
- Tim concludes that Lizzo's mistake was embracing the role of queen and virtue-signaler rather than simply living her life.
- Declaring yourself the queen is always a mistake, Tim argues, because it sets you up for a fall.
- 8 min
Advice for Lizzo: Get Thin and Denounce the Fats
#In a extended bit, Tim advises Lizzo to abandon body positivity, get thin, go on Joe Rogan, and rebrand herself as a wellness convert who denounces her former fat fanbase, complete with an improvised diss-track parody.
10moments
- Tim tells Lizzo she's just a singer who's fat, not a revolutionary—many fat people have been famous before.
- She's the first social media star who's actually a great musician, pressured into becoming a movement queen.
- The Big Girls show demonstrates how people with trauma project their backstories onto their weight.
- Tim's advice: Lizzo should get super thin and throw fat people under the bus.
- Detailed plan for Lizzo's redemption: get hot, write a wellness book, go on Joe Rogan, and denounce the fats.
- Tim imagines Lizzo's confession about bloated dancers, weary joints, and high-altitude performances that went wrong.
- Hot Lizzo and salad Lizzo—she should launch a keto salad dressing line targeting the wellness crowd.
- Tim riffs on a hypothetical Lizzo song from a thin version admitting she was gross and is now hot.
- Extended freestyle about thin Lizzo's physical transformation, vaginal health, and heavenly aspirations.
- Final verdict: she cannot double down as queen of the fat movement; it's time to move on entirely.
LizzoJoe RoganOprah WinfreyYes or yes
- 12 min
Tim discusses Rex Heuermann, the suspected Gilgo Beach serial killer, his mediocre suburban-dad persona, his wife filing for divorce, and argues at length that the family should embrace and monetize their newfound infamy rather than distance themselves from it.
10moments
- Tim begins discussing the Gilgo Beach murder suspect Rex Heuermann and his wife filing for divorce.
- Heuermann went on dates and obsessively discussed Gilgo Beach murders, exciting himself with details and making women uncomfortable.
- Tim analyzes Heuermann as a mediocre middle-class Long Island architect—unremarkable in appearance, the kind of man you'd see at a grocery store picking up dinner for his family.
- The family hasn't visited him in jail, and Tim criticizes them for abandoning him rather than visiting out of morbid curiosity.
- Tim tells the Heuermann family they should capitalize on their connection to the murders—this is their only shot at becoming interesting people.
- The Heuermann family needs to accept their father is a murderer, see a therapist, and then start striking while the iron is hot with media deals.
- According to Tim, the family is now the coolest and most interesting members of every friend group they've ever been part of, entirely because of their father.
- Tim declares this is probably the best thing that could have happened to these three people, giving their previously mundane lives stakes and meaning.
- Admitting your father is the Gilgo Beach killer bonds you in a relationship and is actually a good thing to experience together.
- Tim says he would immediately reconnect with a friend whose father committed serial murder, and he hopes one of his friends' dads does something like this so they can become close again.
Rex HeuermannGilgo Beach murdersLong Island