rant · moment 12 of 16
The Bleakness of Suffolk County, Long Island
from Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma) · #150
4 min
Tim delivers an extended riff on how depressing and hollowed-out Long Island (specifically Suffolk County) is, dwelling on cancer, car accidents, and the general decay of American suburbia.
- Tim gets his Mueller report analysis from Chelsea Handler, the woman who wrote about shitting herself on a date.
- He frequents an open mic at Shakers Pub in Oakdale, Long Island, drawn to darkness and wanting to know how bleak things really are.
- Suffolk County outside the Hamptons is extremely bleak—the opposite of the sanitized mainstream takes he rejects.
- Long Island represents the erosion of the American suburban dream, hollowed out and dying in real time.
- The area is fast food, bars, and crumbling buildings, with only radiology clinics still intact—where everyone waits for their cancer diagnosis.
- Tim describes the Long Island experience as betting on which body part will betray you first: colon, lungs, blood, or kidneys.
- Or you get lucky and a 19-year-old drug addict on the LIE kills you before you need the radiology clinic.
- He's been in five car accidents and loved every one—walking away from a wreck to smoke a cigarette is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Long IslandChelsea HandlerOakdale, Long IslandMS-13LevittownMueller reportShakers PubCardi BDonald Trump