Episode 303 · The Ben Avery Era
#303 - Meeting In The Woods | The Tim Dillon Show
Jun 19, 2022 · 1:00:23 · 586,000 views · 16 segments, 99 moments indexed
Tim Dillon lets you know that even though we are entering one of the worst economic recessions everything is going to be okay, and why he's comforted by the podcasts of Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, and all celebrities.
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- 2 min
$50,000 Sunglasses from Dodi Fayed
#Tim opens the show introducing Ben Avery and shows off sunglasses he claims once belonged to Dodi Fayed, Princess Diana's romantic partner who died with her in the 1997 Paris car crash, using it as a symbol of doing well despite a tanking economy.
4moments
- Tim spent $50,000 on sunglasses and feels stupid about it given the tanking economy.
- The sunglasses once belonged to Dodi Fayed, the Egyptian film producer and son of Mohamed Al-Fayed.
- Dodi Fayed died in a car crash in Paris with Princess Diana, and these sunglasses were taken from his head at the scene.
- Tim defines owning dead celebrities' possessions as what doing well means, and doesn't apologize for it.
Dodi FayedPrincess DianaMohamed Al-FayedParis
- 3 min
Tim discusses Lil Nas X complaining about zero BET Award nominations and claiming homophobia, riffing on how BET should reward him for having simulated sex with the devil in his videos.
5moments
- Lil Nas X claims the BET Awards snubbing him is homophobic, not based on musical merit.
- Tim acknowledges BET's decision might be homophobic, but notes Lil Nas X is a horrible musician.
- BET probably doesn't like him because he uses sexualized lyrics, which he should be allowed to do as a gay artist.
- Lil Nas X puts blood in shoes and makes music videos where he has sex with the devil.
- Society's contradiction: Lil Nas X makes millions simulating sex with the devil but gets no BET Award to legitimize it.
Lil Nas XBET Awards
- 4 min
The Coming Economic Apocalypse
#Tim goes on an escalating rant about the collapsing economy, imagining a hellscape where even the most desperate moral compromises won't be enough to survive, tying it into a plug for his newsletter.
5moments
- Tim's sunglasses cost $70,000.
- In this economy, sex work won't even cut it—not even selling your children to traffickers or robbing elderly people's medication.
- Even cannibalism and violence against family won't be enough to survive what's coming.
- Bread lines will seem quaint compared to what's predicted; you'll wish you could stand peacefully on one without threat of murder.
- Tim pitches his newsletter as the only thing that might help you survive the coming apocalypse.
- 5 min
Tim and Ben look at Bitcoin cratering under $20,000 and the Dow falling back to pre-pandemic levels, then play and react to a Mike Novogratz clip explaining the Fed's plan to force a recession to fight inflation.
9moments
- Bitcoin crashed below $20,000, the thing that was supposed to save us.
- Tim predicts the housing collapse is coming next after Bitcoin's collapse.
- Bitcoin hasn't been this low since December 2020, and the Dow is back where it was in January 2019 before the pandemic.
- Fed is driving the market into a recession to combat inflation, according to Mike Novogratz.
- There's not going to be a soft landing—the Fed has decided that's impossible.
- Tim describes the hard landing coming as hitting concrete from thousands of feet, pain mixed with embarrassment and disgust.
- Tim admits he feels like an idiot spending $80,000 on sunglasses as the economy crashes.
- Novogratz explains crypto must be held in context of the Fed withdrawing liquidity from the market.
- Assets that rose on cheap money forever will suffer as the Fed tightens.
BitcoinMike NovogratzFederal ReserveDeFiJerome Powell
- 4 min
Podcasters Living on the Street & Pain for 'Dirt People'
#Riffing off the recession clip, Tim jokes that podcasting is ending in six months and imagines how enraged people would be if they knew what podcast producers make, then extends the recession into a class-based riff about ordinary people needing to 'feel the pain' while the wealthy stay protected.
4moments
- Tim predicts podcasting will be over in six months because all these people will end up living on the street.
- If people knew how much podcast producers made, they would go to their houses and kill their families.
- The Fed's only course of action is to make regular people and their families feel pain to control inflation.
- Tim distinguishes between people like him who can relax on tropical beaches and 'dirt people' who will have to suffer the economic consequences.
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Lucy oral nicotine gum, lozenges and pouches, mentioning his own quitting smoking, and gives the promo code TIM.
2moments
- Tim credits Lucy nicotine products for quitting cigarettes for twelve days, then immediately qualifies it by mentioning he also had bronchitis.
- Lucy.co promo code TIM — the official ad read.
- 4 min
Stevewilldoit's Wild Future and Uvalde Metacard Joke
#Tim praises Stevewilldoit as a chaotic national figure destined for a dramatic downfall, imagining him fleeing to a lawless fiefdom, before a dark joke about him giving a Nelk metacard to the one Uvalde cop who went into the school.
6moments
- Steve Will Do It is a member of Nelk Boys, gambler, drinker, and national figure who gives kids with cancer Ethereum and homeless people booze.
- Tim predicts Steve will eventually die in a high-profile accident—car crash, helicopter, or possibly in a third-world villa like Colonel Kurtz.
- At this point, what's left for Steve to do in America except flee the country and establish a third-world fiefdom as some god-like savior?
- Every cult documentary you've ever seen, plus Bitcoin—that's what Steve's future looks like.
- When Steve's wild life inevitably ends, it will be phenomenally, viscerally bad—possibly causing an actual war.
- Steve gives AR-15s to lonely men who need them; he's exactly the guy America needs.
Friend of the showSteve Will Do ItNELKJoe RoganAustin
- 3 min
Tim covers the collapsing housing market and mortgage applications before explaining how a previous episode's satirical joke about boiling homeless people got the show age-restricted on YouTube.
5moments
- Tim describes the housing market collapse: mortgage applications down over 40%, building at lowest levels in decades, rates above 6%.
- He projects LA's homeless population will balloon from 40,000 to 3-4 million within two years due to housing unaffordability.
- Rick Caruso's campaign to put homeless people in affordable housing lost because voters rejected the premise entirely.
- Tim's previous episode got age-gated by YouTube over a satirical comment that he says led to an appeal he lost.
- YouTube acknowledged the boiling homeless people joke was satire but still deemed it inappropriate for under-18 viewers despite being comedy.
- 6 min
Rant Against Celebrity Podcasts (Aniston, Bateman, Friends Cast)
#Tim demands Spotify sign him instead of celebrities, then unloads a long rant about how Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, and other legacy stars entering podcasting will kill the medium because they have nothing real to say, fantasizing about what would make their shows interesting.
11moments
- Spotify hired a woman to do a project with the Friends cast instead of the guy who made the Rogan deal.
- Tim argues no one cares what Jason Bateman thinks about anything, despite him being a brilliant actor.
- He's uninterested in Jennifer Aniston's take on anything and questions who wants to know Courteney Cox's views on Russia.
- Tim dismisses the nostalgia surrounding these shows, noting they were big 30 years ago when he was 9.
- People good at podcasting are good at it because there's no other option for them, so they get good or die.
- Tim questions what motivation Jennifer Aniston has to be entertaining on a microphone or what drives Jason Bateman.
- Celebrities can't share their real thoughts because their deal was to stay silent and get paid whenever they open their mouths.
- Tim explains these actors spent 30 years becoming someone they aren't because their real selves weren't interesting or didn't matter.
- Podcasts from Jennifer Aniston could only be good if she spent 30 minutes complaining about her maid faking long COVID.
- Spotify and studios are killing podcasting by letting vapid celebrities do it and marketing it the same way they kill everything else.
- Tim tells these actors to get out of the cheap studio and questions why they want his life of sitting in hell with millions of dollars.
- 3 min
Tim reads a real headline about mortgage rates spiking and mocks Ben and his wife for missing their window to buy a house, predicting they'll rent forever under BlackRock's plan.
6moments
- Tim argues that celebrity culture survives by flooding media spaces with famous people contractually obligated to say nothing, handed daily talking points about Ukraine and race.
- As a podcaster, Tim contrasts himself with celebrities, noting he has ads for companies that won't exist in three months instead of scripted content.
- Tim declares the celebrity industry is done: everyone is rich and should stop, with the final humiliation being older icons like Jack Nicholson dying while podcasting.
- Mortgage rates in the US have jumped by the most in 35 years, according to the June 16th article.
- Tim asks if his guest and his wife were planning to buy a house, then tells him the rate spike means they won't be doing that anymore.
- Tim jokes that the guest's wife will be shocked at his income when she finds out what he actually earns.
FriendsJennifer AnistonJason BatemanPrincess DianaJack Nicholsonhousing
- 7 min
Pitch to Live in a Tent and Embrace Skid Row
#Tim tells Ben to just get a tent and join the homeless community instead of renting, then riffs on being proud of LA's Skid Row population and reframing homelessness as no big deal, even for children.
8moments
- Tim tells his guest he missed the window to buy a house and will now rent forever, which is what BlackRock wants.
- Housing crisis: mortgage rates climbed to 5.78%, the highest since the 2008 crash, pricing people out of the market entirely.
- Tim's pitch: living in a tent in a safe area isn't bad if you have a gym membership to shower and skip expensive rent.
- Join the unhoused community instead of wasting money on rent—move to Skid Row and embrace the lifestyle.
- Tim shows visitors Skid Row as a tourist attraction and defends LA's 40,000 homeless people as something to be proud of.
- Make Skid Row an official stop on the Hollywood tour, presented as a neutral observation rather than a tragedy.
- Society must accept homelessness as normal—some people have houses, some don't, and it shouldn't be treated as a disaster.
- Children love playing outside and are resilient; homelessness for them is not a big deal, just unzipping a tent and playing soccer.
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for ExpressVPN, comparing not using a VPN to walking a dog off-leash, and gives the sign-up link and mentions using it himself to watch Ozark abroad.
2moments
- Tim compares using the internet without a VPN to walking a dog without a leash — most of the time you're probably fine, but what if your dog gets dog-napped?
- Tim uses ExpressVPN on his computer because he wanted to watch Ozark.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Keeps hair loss treatment, joking about baldness statistics and the affordability of the FDA-approved medications it offers.
5moments
- Tim jokes that Jason Bateman is trying to take his job as a thank you.
- He imagines his future as just fidgeting with the mic all day and delivering a Keeps ad read.
- Tim delivers the opening line of the Keeps hair loss ad: 'Stop being bald.'
- During the ad read, Tim questions whether a cheap hair loss treatment actually works.
- He expresses puzzlement at how Keeps makes money when their generic version costs half the pharmacy brand price.
- 3 min
There Are Still Jobs (Gross Service Jobs Riff)
#Tim reassures listeners that despite the terrible economy, there are still jobs available, riffing on disgusting tasks like cleaning frozen yogurt machines and espresso machines, then transitions into browsing real job listings in Austin, Texas.
7moments
- Tim asks what's going on with the economy and claims people still have jobs despite conditions being bad.
- Jobs available include shoveling excrement, cleaning hair from frozen yogurt machines, sweeping vomit, and removing fingernails from crepe makers.
- Tim catalogs more service work: if there's hemoglobin on waffles, throw it out and make a new one; if pus is in the espresso machine, clean it and make the Americano.
- Wage growth has only increased at the very top—for podcasters, human traffickers, and people in tech—while most people's wages haven't kept pace with housing prices.
- Tim directs people to Help Wanted listings in Austin, Texas, since New York is over.
- A delivery specialist job at Fetch requires picking up and delivering packages to apartment communities during chosen time blocks.
- The appeal of the Fetch job is choosing when to work and when to lay on the couch and wish for death—the freedom to work during one window or pray you don't wake up during another.
- 3 min
Browsing Job Listings: Fetch, Curry Up Now, Honey Baked Ham
#Tim and Ben go through actual job listings including a Fetch delivery partner job, a Curry Up Now dishwasher position, a caregiver role, and a Honey Baked Ham production associate job, riffing on each.
7moments
- Fetch dishwasher position pays $19 an hour.
- Curry Up Now job at $14 an hour — you'll smell like curry all day if you work there.
- Tim likes the full-time floater caregiver position, though the job posting doesn't list the pay.
- Honey Baked Ham Company production associate position involves hand-glazing hams and turkey breasts with a crew of twelve.
- The Honey Baked Ham job includes prep duties like washing and chopping vegetables, maintaining kitchen sanitation, and measuring ingredients.
- Tim highlights a fake Austin job listing for a caretaker to a local podcast billionaire, whose duties include reminding him that things online aren't real.
- The podcast billionaire caretaker also has to remind him he said he was opening a comedy club that never materialized.
Honey Baked Ham CompanyCurry Up NowFetchLong Island
- 10 min
Apocalypse Prophecy and Closing Riff on Podcasting's Fate
#Tim delivers an extended apocalyptic monologue about societal collapse, marauding tribes, and survival skills, contrasting it with rich celebrities like Aniston and Bateman continuing to broadcast trivial content, then closes with Joe Rogan's spaceship fantasy, tour date disclaimers, a book tease, sponsor plugs, and a final dark joke about podcast producers facing violent retribution.
13moments
- Tim predicts the economy will become vicious, killing families who'll be forced to sell everything as they face famine and disease.
- Civil unrest, violence, and the collapse of institutional authority will lead to regional fiefdoms run by psychopathic cult leaders.
- Public transportation will fail; angry children will set cars on fire while people scavenge garbage and walk 10-11 miles between states.
- Friends chosen for survival will betray you, stealing food and water, forcing you to execute some in front of your own children.
- Without access to medical care, people will perform minor surgeries on themselves and learn to treat rabies and feral animal wounds.
- Skills in food preservation, jerky-making, fishing, farming, and irrigation will become essential to survival.
- Even during apocalypse, Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman podcasts will still provide entertainment about celebrity life.
- Friends aired in the 1920s when actors lived affordably in New York City, nobody had AIDS, and they met one Black person.
- The entire broadcasting medium exists so rich celebrities can tell you how cool things happened while you pray for death on your couch.
- Joe Rogan will escape on a spaceship with Elon Musk to do stand-up comedy in zero gravity, and Tim will kill himself three hours in.
- A book is coming eventually, hopefully before the civil war, though Tim doubts he'll finish it in time.
- Podcast producers should expect violence from audiences once the money they've made is revealed, and they deserve it.
- Tim will abandon this show to guest on Jason Bateman's podcast despite claiming to despise that entire system.
Elon MuskJoe RoganCourteney CoxFriendsJason BatemanJennifer Aniston