Episode 294 · The Ben Avery Era
#294 - One Hyde Park | The Tim Dillon Show
Apr 10, 2022 · 1:13:12 · 431,000 views · 28 segments, 160 moments indexed
Live from London, Tim develops an affinity for the new neighbors at One Hyde Park, tries to make sense of Hunter Biden's supposed "laptop from hell", and explains why he now understands exactly how psychotic America really is.
Watch on YouTubeDiscuss on Reddit
- 1 min
London Cold Open: Dreading the Return to America
#Tim opens from London with producer Ben, riffing on Ben's whirlwind 48-hour trip, cutting his own hair, and Tim's dread about leaving London to go back to America.
4moments
- Tim opens the show live from London with producer Ben Avery, who flew in for 48 hours.
- Tim flew Ben business class all the way from California to London for a two-day vacation.
- Ben bragged at dinner about cutting his own hair as if it were an accomplishment.
- Tim dreads returning to America, calling it "the dump that we live in."
- 3 min
America's Schizophrenic Darkness vs. UK Civility
#Tim contrasts America's food, fast food density, and lack of tolerance for fat people with the UK's smaller portions, smaller cities, and lack of a proper plus-size store (the disappointing 'Bad Rhino').
8moments
- America is a deeply schizophrenic place with a real darkness that only becomes apparent when you leave.
- UK food doesn't make you feel like you're dying—no excessive sugar, plastics, hormones, or GMOs in the bread.
- Fast food here is confined to one street instead of appearing every five feet, and restaurants don't stay open at 2am.
- Being fat is not tolerated in the UK; there are no Big and Tall stores anywhere.
- Tim drove an hour to a store called "Bad Rhino" expecting a DXL; it was just a few shirts in a fat women's store in a shitty mall.
- The UK closed down its American fat store because they don't want to make obesity easy or celebrated.
- Staying at the Mandarin Oriental next to One Hyde Park, the most expensive residential building in the world, with a penthouse on the market for 296 million pounds.
- Tim might make an offer on the One Hyde Park penthouse, though he's not sure if he will.
Mandarin OrientalOne Hyde ParkUnited Statesfast food
- 3 min
One Hyde Park and the Virtue of Absent Billionaire Neighbors
#Tim raves about staying near One Hyde Park, the world's priciest residential building, and argues the best neighbors are oligarchs, sheikhs, and criminals who are never home and never share their political opinions.
5moments
- The best neighbors are not home because they're off somewhere doing a genocide, not there to complain or create awkward run-ins.
- Rich neighbors in bulletproof glass garages with X-ray machines and British special forces guards oddly don't want to tell you what they think about everything.
- Russian oligarchs, sheikhs, Chinese amusement park tycoons, and Brazilian mining magnates are nice because they keep their opinions to themselves and don't want you to know they're your neighbor.
- One Hyde Park apartment on sale for five million, with the next one up at seventeen million—that premium is what you pay to live in a building where billionaires don't want you to know they exist there.
- Living in essentially a hotel for billionaire criminals is the best arrangement because they keep to themselves and don't bother you.
- 2 min
Escaping Everyone's Unsolicited Opinions
#He riffs on wanting to live away from people's political opinions, comparing neighbors who confront you about trans issues in gym class to the blessed silence of dictator-adjacent oligarch neighbors.
5moments
- Rich people escape to a Lambo or apartment and avoid getting dragged into daily political controversies.
- Getting away from unsolicited opinions is the only real answer, even if people will be mad about it.
- Tim now sees value in living under dictators with paranoia, since fear of revenge keeps people from bothering neighbors.
- Even people Tim likes, like a Spectator writer, won't stop giving unsolicited opinions about where he should live.
- One Hyde Park in London is the only spot for Tim—he can't live anywhere else.
Harrodsprivacy from unsolicited opinionsbunkerstrans kids in schoolsOne Hyde ParkKnightsbridge
- 2 min
Failing to Buy Plus-Size Clothes at Harrods and Dior
#Tim tells the story of trying to find 3X clothing in London, a disorienting Dior fitting room experience, and why their agent loves Harrods for its food courts despite being plus-size.
5moments
- Tim went to Christian Dior asking if they had a 3XL, and was told they did.
- The 3XL in the dressing room felt like an ayahuasca trip—shapes were changing, he couldn't get his bearings, his hands looked bigger and smaller.
- He emerged without wearing it and made up an excuse about wanting brown instead of navy blue, then ran out of the store.
- Their agent likes Harrods despite being plus-size, which Tim attributes to the three food courts selling rib eyes and sticky toffee pudding.
- Tim notes he's had enough—he's been watching the Masters for ten hours at Harrods.
- 1 min
Wanting to Renounce America Amid Disney and Tent Cities
#Tim says he wants citizenship elsewhere, mocking both sides of America's culture war (groomer accusations vs. trans surgery for kids) and contrasting street tent encampments with headlines about space hotels.
3moments
- Tim watches Twitter arguments about Disney and people protesting outside theme parks with Ten Commandments signs.
- Tim wants to renounce American citizenship, exhausted by both the right wing claiming all teachers are groomers and the left's positions on transgender issues.
- Tim finds it embarrassing that major American streets are lined with tents while headlines obsess over space hotels instead of homelessness.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Vincero watches, highlighting the Argo automatic dive watch and the discount code TIM for 20% off and free shipping.
6moments
- Tim explains that watches tell the time and reveal what someone values about themselves.
- Vincero is a premium lifestyle brand from San Diego making eyewear, watches, and other products.
- Vincero designs everything in-house, sources their own materials, produces in small batches, and ships directly to customers.
- The Argo is named after the mythological Greek ship crafted by the gods, blending form, function, style, and utility.
- Tim owns a Vincero watch and calls it the most beautiful watch he's ever owned.
- Vincero is offering 20 percent off and free shipping to listeners using code Tim Dillon at vincerocollective.com/tim-dillon.
- 3 min
Tim discusses Elon Musk's large Twitter stake and interest in an edit button and open-sourcing the algorithm, riffing on curating a personalized 'hate timeline' of celebrities and school shootings.
5moments
- Elon Musk becomes largest shareholder in Twitter, buying 9 percent of the company for 3 billion dollars.
- Tim supports Musk wanting free speech back on Twitter but argues the better solution is to shut Twitter down entirely.
- Musk is pushing for an edit button and wants to open source Twitter's algorithm.
- Open sourcing the algorithm means users can choose which algorithm to use rather than Twitter controlling it for everyone.
- Tim describes curating a personal timeline that mixes celebrities and shootings, meaningless gossip and dead children's bodies.
- 2 min
The Media's Hunter Biden Laptop Cover-Up
#Tim argues the media suppressed the Hunter Biden laptop story as Russian disinformation, then wonders why Hunter would have tens of thousands of photos of himself smoking crack.
3moments
- Tim notes he doesn't know what's on Hunter Biden's laptop, but the media clearly wanted Biden to win and sandbagged the story by calling it Russian disinformation.
- Why would Hunter Biden photograph himself smoking crack thousands of times — who takes that many self-portraits like that?
- Tim wonders if Hunter was being blackmailed, though it would be strange to blackmail him over material from when his father was VP but before Biden became president.
- 3 min
Hunter Biden's Squirtle Photo and Sexual Exploits
#Tim describes bizarre laptop photos including Hunter with a stuffed Squirtle Pokemon during a hooker encounter, questioning why anyone photographs their own debauchery so extensively.
8moments
- Tim asks who took the photo of Hunter Biden with the Squirtle Pokemon stuffed animal on the bed with a hooker.
- Tim defends Hunter Biden as an artist involved in dealings with a gas company in Ukraine.
- Questioning what qualifications Hunter Biden has for his international business ventures.
- Hunter Biden attended Georgetown University and Yale Law School, graduating with a history degree and law degree.
- Tim notes his Twitter timeline claims Hunter and Hillary run everything, but none of the predicted consequences have materialized.
- Tim attempts to separate conspiracy theories from confirmed facts while navigating the narrative around Hunter Biden.
- Hunter Biden's crack cocaine use is beyond debate and not a conspiracy theory.
- Tim expresses specific curiosity about why Hunter Biden became involved with Ukraine.
Hunter BidenGeorgetown UniversityYale Law SchoolUkraine
- 2 min
Tim researches Hunter Biden's actual education (Georgetown, Yale Law) and tries to reconcile that pedigree with his crack use and shady dealings in Ukraine, tying in the Bucha massacre briefly.
5moments
- Tim had to edit Ukraine jokes out of his special because the situation became too grim with bodies everywhere.
- He's worried about the special's timing given the possibility of chemical weapons or dirty bombs in Ukraine.
- Tim acknowledges the Bucha massacre as a real atrocity, though he frames it comparatively in terms of death tolls.
- He rejects the excuse-making for Russian actions he sees on Twitter, arguing Russia is clearly in the wrong for invading a sovereign country.
- Tim draws the line at opposing U.S. no-fly zones and escalation, despite recognizing the invasion as unjust.
- 2 min
Tim reads the Mud/Wtr sponsor spot, listing the mushroom and adaptogen ingredients and promoting their new evening tea product with code TIM for a discount.
2moments
- Tim notes his wife is allergic to cinnamon, so none of this is for her.
- Tim explains where he gets his energy from: Mud Water, because there's no crash like you'd get from a McFlurry or McGriddle.
- 2 min
Tim reads the Raycon wireless earbuds sponsor spot, touting battery life and price versus competitors, with code TIM for 15% off.
5moments
- Tim pitches Raycon wireless earbuds as staying secure in your ears no matter how much you shake things up.
- The earbuds offer an alertness mode for staying alert while jogging in a major city, eight hours of play time, and 32 hours of battery life.
- Raycon's everyday earbuds have over 48,000 five-star reviews and cost less than half the price of other premium audio brands.
- Tim declares he owns Raycon earbuds and insists listeners would love them if they trusted his gut.
- People wearing Raycon earbuds appear to be good, sharp, and smart individuals, according to Tim.
- 4 min
Tim reads details about Hunter's $10 million Chinese billionaire deal and Burisma board seat, then wonders why Hunter isn't in the public eye and jokes he's hiding in a secret-service-guarded Malibu mansion near Caitlyn Jenner.
8moments
- Tim examines Hunter Biden's $10 million annual fee from a Chinese billionaire for introductions in 2017.
- Hunter met investment banker Jonathan Lee aboard Air Force Two during VP Biden's 2013 Beijing trip, then joined BHR Partners 12 days later.
- Burisma advisor thanked Hunter for arranging a meeting with his father in Washington while Hunter served on the company's board.
- Tim wonders at what point Hunter's crack addiction became so severe he could no longer perform his lucrative introductions business.
- Where is Hunter Biden right now and why isn't he more visible, like other presidential relatives who get hidden away during elections?
- Secret Service rents a $30,000-per-month Malibu mansion to protect Hunter Biden.
- Tim imagines Hunter Biden dining with Caitlyn Jenner in Malibu at sunset, eating at Nobu.
- Tim questions why Hunter would bring his laptop to a repair shop in Delaware while allegedly on crack cocaine.
Hunter BidenBarismaBHR PartnersCaitlyn Jenner
- 3 min
Tim plays and reacts to a Jen Psaki press briefing clip dodging Hunter Biden questions, then riffs on Q-Anon claims of human trafficking and defends sex workers broadly.
6moments
- Hunter Biden gets $10 million a year to set up investment bankers in China, yet brings his laptop to a repair shop like he's confused.
- Jen Psaki clip: White House refuses to acknowledge Hunter Biden exists, dodging questions about investigations.
- Tim calls out Psaki's claim that Biden never spoke to his son about overseas business dealings as a lie.
- Tim can't pin down what specific crime Hunter committed — campaign finance violation, money laundering, something else.
- QAnon people claim there's proof of human trafficking on the laptop, but Tim doesn't know if it's real or what form it takes.
- Tim argues against treating every sex worker as a human trafficking victim — some people just choose that job.
- 4 min
Tim discusses the whistleblower (Jack Maxey) who fled to Switzerland with 450 gigabytes and 80,000 images from the laptop, joking about doing a comedy drop of the images and comparing Hunter unfavorably to Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.
7moments
- The guy who discovered the laptop is hiding in Malibu and won't make a statement because lawyers are advising him not to.
- A Daily Mail whistleblower who handed Hunter Biden's laptop to a congressman has fled to Switzerland fearing retaliation from the White House.
- The whistleblower claims to have 450 gigabytes of deleted material, including 80,000 images and videos and 120,000 emails.
- Tim doesn't know what's on the laptop but approaches it non-ideologically: 80,000 images suggests something genuinely wrong.
- Removing Jeffrey and Ghislaine Maxwell meant crackheads now run the show instead of competent operators.
- Maxwell knew which fork to use and mixed with royals, unlike the current situation with a rock-smoking guy in Malibu whose father has dementia and who married his dead brother's wife.
- Tim wants the Swiss whistleblower brought on the program to explain the whole situation.
Ghislaine MaxwellHunter BidenJeffrey EpsteinMichael HastingsBoris Johnson
- 4 min
Trying to Book Jack Maxey, JK Rowling as Hagrid, and Tulsi Gabbard
#Tim discusses efforts to get Jack Maxey on the show, fears about getting killed, and previous failed attempts to book JK Rowling (as Hagrid) and Tulsi Gabbard for interviews.
8moments
- Tim proposes bundling Hunter Biden laptop images with comedy special releases as a weekly drop, like an NFT strategy.
- Jack Maxey gave copies of the laptop hard drive to the Washington Post, New York Times, and Senator Grassley, but they ignored it for months.
- Tim describes Maxey as looking like a class act and notes he's a co-host on Steve Bannon's War Room podcast.
- Tim jokes that Maxey might appear on the show because they'll kill him, and Steve Bannon probably told him to get a younger version of Bannon killed instead.
- If Whitney Webb is trying to set him up with Maxey, Tim says they'll go to Switzerland tomorrow to interview him.
- Tim compares his phone's 40 images—15 of them scones—to Maxey's 80,000 Hunter Biden images.
- They tried to book JK Rowling in Edinburgh and have her make points about biological essentialism while Tim interviewed her as Hagrid.
- Tim can't even get Tulsi Gabbard on the show again despite the network having Trump and Caitlyn Jenner, and he offered to do the interview in Moscow.
Hunter BidenSteve BannonNew York TimesThe Washington PostJack MaxeyJK RowlingTulsi GabbardThe War Room+4 more
- 2 min
Tim reads the BetterHelp online therapy sponsor spot about mental wellness and switching counselors easily, with the discount code TIMD.
3moments
- Tim on emotional health demands being higher than ever, with people mortgaging their well-being instead of maintaining emotional fitness
- BetterHelp offers online therapy with counselors available within 48 hours and the ability to switch if needed
- Tim advocates for people not being crazy and notes how pleasant it is when meeting someone doesn't make you think 'what a loon'
- 1 min
Tim reads the SimpliSafe home security sponsor spot, mentioning the free indoor camera and 20% off offer.
2moments
- Tim notes he lives in a high rise where he doesn't need home security, but most people in homes are taking extra care to keep themselves and their family safe.
- SimpliSafe costs less than one dollar a day, sets up in around 30 minutes, and requires no long-term contract.
- 4 min
Tim continues on Jack Maxey's claims that the FBI never entered the laptop into evidence, the chain from the Delaware repair shop to Rudy Giuliani to Maxey, and imagines Joe Biden repeatedly being briefed on his son's scandal amid his memory issues.
9moments
- The man hiding in Switzerland claims to have 80,000 images from the laptop and says there's evidence of drug trafficking, prostitution, and criminal activity.
- Tim notes that Jack Maxey says the FBI never filed Hunter Biden's laptop into evidence, while Tim expresses faith that the FBI generally follows up on things.
- The FBI only fails to follow up on crimes that the FBI itself has initiated and curated.
- Chain of custody: the laptop was abandoned at a Delaware computer store in 2019, the owner gave a copy to Rudy Giuliani, who passed it to Maxey.
- Maxey claims he went to Switzerland to conduct a forensic examination of the laptop in a country that respects human liberty and liberal democratic principles.
- After contacting the Daily Mail, Maxey says black suburban SUVs appeared outside his house and he received strange calls from former U.S. intelligence officers.
- A former intelligence agency staffer allegedly told Maxey: if you don't release enough so they know you can release all of it, you're a dead man.
- Maxey posted batches of emails from the laptop on file-sharing sites in October 2020, but the links were taken down within an hour.
- Tim depicts repeatedly having to explain to Biden that his son Hunter is on crack and involved in shady Ukrainian deals, suggesting this conversation happens three or four times a week.
Hunter BidenJoe BidenDaily MailJack MaxeyJohn Paul Mac IsaacRudy Giuliani
- 4 min
America's Real Ukraine Interests and Hunter as Black Sheep
#Tim argues America's Ukraine policy was always self-interested rather than about spreading democracy, then returns to marveling at Hunter Biden abandoning the laptop and Jill Biden's reaction to her stepson's disgrace.
10moments
- American foreign policy in Ukraine has always been designed to benefit the United States, a country based on fraud and deception.
- Hunter Biden isn't the only businessman over there smoking crack with hookers and putting his beak in the trough.
- America's goal isn't to spread democracy—it's to secure willing trading partners, trade routes, and port control.
- Let's be honest: America's interest in Ukraine is financial and geopolitical strategy, just like Russia's and China's.
- The laptop story is wild because a crackhead just abandoned it at a Dell repair shop.
- Hunter Biden is the literal definition of black sheep—abandoned a laptop with 80,000 images of smoking crack and punching hookers.
- 120,000 emails of shady business dealings in China and Ukraine while his father's running for president.
- Maybe Hunter's using crack because his father kept referring to inner cities as jungles.
- Jen Psaki has the energy of a woman scorned, and she's apparently leaving for MSNBC at big money.
- It's weird to take that many photos smoking crack and with hookers on your own laptop—are you an idiot?
- 2 min
Tim discusses Hunter Biden's unacknowledged child with London Roberts, a stripper, and his relationship with lingerie designer Zoe Kestan, plus his stay at the Chateau Marmont cooking crack.
8moments
- Hunter Biden has a three-year-old unacknowledged child with a stripper named London Roberts.
- Tim questions Hunter's character and expresses losing faith in America over the situation.
- Tim asks whether the child is transgender, wanting to spend four hours discussing only that.
- Hunter also dated Zoe Kesten, a lingerie and textile designer who testified about his spending at the Chateau Vermont in LA.
- In 2018, Hunter was preoccupied with cooking crack cocaine while staying at luxury properties.
- Tim's take: it's hard to judge a substance abuser as long as the women were of age and it was consensual BDSM.
- Tim describes Hunter as a guy trying to get his beak wet in Ukraine and smoke crack with a few ladies.
- Tim acknowledges the influence seems weird but not impossible.
Hunter BidenLondon RobertsZoe Kesten
- 2 min
Tim jokes about sending Hunter into Ukraine like advance troops to find brothels and drugs, then covers the ongoing federal grand jury tax probe into Hunter's Burisma income.
5moments
- Tim proposes sending Hunter Biden into Ukraine first to scout out brothels and find where to score, then deploying the rest of the Americans.
- Federal investigators are examining whether Hunter Biden met tax obligations while receiving $50,000 monthly from the Ukrainian firm Burisma.
- Tim tells parents worried about school curriculum they're missing the real threat: their kids will eventually smoke crack in Hong Kong and screw them over.
- Tim opposes kids cutting their dicks off and wanting them back, calling it a big oops.
- The 80,000 images on Hunter Biden's laptop strike Tim as very weird and strange regardless of other details.
- 4 min
Ben's Irish Heritage vs. WASP Heritage in London
#Tim contrasts his own Irish-Catholic heritage (discovered in Dublin) with Ben's quiet WASP English heritage, riffing on golf, tweed, and English reserve versus Irish fire.
7moments
- Tim contrasts Ben's Irish heritage—Catholic, repressed, fighting and grudges—with his own WASP heritage of golf, dull quiet people, and eccentric autistic energy.
- Ben connects to Dublin the way Tim connected to London: both were drawn to places matching their ethnic heritage, though Ben saw drunk political reactionaries in Dublin.
- London is the financial capital of the world, and what makes it appealing is that people aren't screaming and yelling—it's civilized, unlike America.
- America isn't a civilized country: people attack each other with Academy Awards, it's a grotesque fun house circus compared to how things work elsewhere.
- Ben says these are his people and lists what he loves about the UK: tea, clotted cream, people dressing nice, golf, nobody in political statement shirts, good hygiene, and most importantly, nobody screaming.
- Ireland has more fire than the UK and people there still talk constantly about reunification, which will never stop.
- Tim and Ben agree the Irish accent is the most musical accent, with the voice functioning like an instrument being played, and there's something deeply attractive about it.
DublinIrelandAudrey Taylor GreenJimmy KimmelWill Smith
- 3 min
Accents, Uncircumcised Penises, and SSRIs Killing Libido
#A wandering riff on which accents are attractive (Irish on men, Latin generally), uncircumcised penis sensitivity, and people going off SSRIs to be able to orgasm again.
9moments
- Latin accent is universally attractive to straight guys, according to Tim.
- Tim describes Latin women as silver-tongued sirens who tempt men into taking off their wedding rings.
- Discussion of whether a Long Island Jewish accent on a woman is attractive.
- Irish accent on a man is very attractive, but on a woman it's less so.
- Uncircumcised penises are fine and not a huge adjustment to deal with.
- Uncircumcised men supposedly have more nerve endings and come quicker, making them worse in bed.
- Tim notes that most people he has sex with are on medication, so nobody's coming immediately anyway.
- Everyone under 25 is on some kind of pill, and Tim considers getting on something to delay his own orgasm.
- SSRIs make people happier during the day but unable to come, and some men go off their medication to masturbate more, ending up in mental hospitals.
- 3 min
Tim announces the New Orleans tour date is cancelled due to low ticket sales, mentions a rumor Robert Pattinson might have attended, and talks about added Australia tour dates in Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane.
7moments
- The New Orleans show got cancelled because no one bought tickets, though Robert Pattinson and Suki Waterhouse were supposedly going to attend.
- Tim sold only 300 tickets to a theater designed for more, attributing the shortfall to everyone in the city being drunk.
- Other shows are proceeding as planned, with additional dates added in Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane for the Australia leg.
- Big golfers are too dumb to appreciate the show because they're mean, drink a lot, and don't like questioning things.
- You have to live on the surface of life to be a successful golfer; introspection is a detriment to athletics.
- Comedy is one of the rare businesses where you're paid to think; most successful businesses just run the same algorithm repeatedly.
- Tim wonders if any pro golfers listen to the show and suspects Phil Mickelson might because he has opinions on tour drama.
Jordan SpiethPhil MickelsonRobert PattinsonSuki Waterhouse
- 2 min
Do Big Dumb Golfers Listen to the Show?
#Tim and Ben riff on whether professional golfers like Jordan Spieth or Phil Mickelson listen to the show, and how thinking too much ruins athletic performance.
5moments
- Tim tries to identify which golfer he's thinking of, cycling through Hideki Matsuyama, Sungjae Im, and Collin Morikawa.
- Hideki Matsuyama won the Masters and is now basically the president of Japan, so he'll never pay for a meal again.
- Tim jokes that if Robert Pattinson gets a refund email about a canceled New Orleans show, that would be hilarious.
- Tim admits he overestimated his draw in New Orleans and blames a scheduling conflict, then says he's being honest because he always is.
- He announces he's no longer living in the United States.
Hideki MatsuyamaRobert Pattinson
- 1 min
Ben tells the legend of the Chinese emperor cured by tea who gave a farmer his red robe, prompting the tea's name, before Tim pivots back to Hunter Biden's laptop for a closing joke.
2moments
- Da Hong Pao means 'Big Red Robe,' named after an emperor in China who was cured of illness by a farmer's tea and rewarded him with his robe.
- Tim reads the full version of the story: the emperor's son abandoned a laptop, leading to 80,000 images of him smoking crack and punching hookers surfacing online—a problem no tea can fix.