Episode 278 · The Ben Avery Era
#278 - A Thanksgiving Tale | The Tim Dillon Show
Nov 23, 2021 · 58:34 · 405,000 views · 18 segments, 110 moments indexed
Tim Dillon, driving through the hills of Texas, shares some Thanksgiving wisdom to navigate your wonderful family this holiday season, and breaks down the history of Ghislaine Maxwell, a woman wrongfully accused, now up against a brutal…
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Driving to Driftwood and Thanksgiving Music
#Brief musical cold open riff about driving around Texas hill country towns as Thanksgiving approaches.
2moments
- Tim proposes driving out to Driftwood or Spicewood as a way to pass time.
- Tim asks if he can sing the whole episode because it's a holiday episode, then references Kyle Rittenhouse.
- 2 min
Kyle Rittenhouse Verdict and the Fake Dubai/Sears Tower Studio
#Tim jokes about the Rittenhouse not-guilty verdict, then spins an elaborate fake announcement about building a new studio funded by shadowy investors atop the Sears Tower and then the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, before admitting it's all a joke.
5moments
- Kyle Rittenhouse was found innocent on all charges.
- New studio being built on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago.
- Tim announces the studio is actually being built in the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, funded by unnamed dark money investors.
- Ben will live in Doha with his wife while Tim stays in Dubai at the world's tallest building.
- Both the Sears Tower and Dubai studio announcements were jokes.
Burj KhalifaDubaiSears Tower
- 2 min
Charity Confusion and the GoFundMe Slush Fund Suspicion
#Tim claims he genuinely wants to do charity work but has no idea how, complains his audience gives bad charity suggestions, and jokes about GoFundMes being disguised Wyndham/Written House slush funds.
5moments
- Studio construction is happening, but the audience doubts it.
- Tim wakes up daily wanting to organize a charity event but gets no useful advice from anyone.
- His audience isn't plugged into the charity scene and doesn't provide good suggestions.
- Tim amplifies GoFundMes sent by listeners if they seem legitimate, but worries some are actually house slush funds.
- He won't promote GoFundMes that look suspiciously like they're funneling money into someone's personal account.
- 3 min
Ben's Dangerous Driving History and the Percocet Deposition Story
#Tim riffs on 'Written House vs Written Home,' then launches into a long story about Ben and his wife's history of car accidents and near-fatalities, including his own accident with his secretary on a Percocet run and Ben's wife allegedly hitting a baby stroller.
7moments
- Ben is a horrible driver who almost killed someone on a motorcycle.
- Tim has totaled five cars and had his license suspended over 20 times, yet he's accused of being the bad driver.
- Tim almost killed his secretary, a very fat woman, when her head hit the dashboard on the way to buy Percocet, and he had to sit through a deposition.
- The secretary pointed into the bank so they could get money from the ATM to buy Percocet in the middle of work.
- Ben's wife knocked over a baby stroller and threw a baby onto the ground.
- Tim compares Ben's wife to Caitlyn Jenner, saying she will kill children with impunity.
- Ben killed a motorcyclist just because he didn't like him.
- 5 min
Party Games, Mystery, and the Death of Family Small Talk
#Tim reminisces about board games like Pictionary and Trivial Pursuit as social lubricant from an era before social media made people mysteries to each other, then contrasts it with how holiday gatherings now devolve into ideological hatred, culminating in a bit about relatives screaming over Kyle Rittenhouse.
9moments
- Texas has some in-shape older men who jog for endorphin rushes, then go home to watch Tucker.
- Party games like Pictionary, Scrabble, and Trivial Pursuit were designed to loosen people up at gatherings.
- There was a time when people didn't know how to talk to each other and didn't hate each other enough to fight, so they were just bored.
- Before social media, people were a mystery to each other—you didn't know what relatives had for breakfast or how big their kids were until they showed up.
- Holidays have become cauldrons of hatred; people won't even suggest party games now because everyone is anxious about the deep political divisions.
- Family disputes used to be small grudges, but now they're rooted in how people feel about the world and the country's direction.
- Tim thinks the new family hatred is actually better than playing Pictionary.
- It's more fun to watch relatives scream at each other about Kyle Rittenhouse, someone neither of them knew existed until six months ago.
- Neither the aunt nor grandfather knows anything about law enforcement, courts, criminal justice, or public policy, yet they screams about Rittenhouse with absolute certainty.
- 2 min
Holiday Skirmishes and the Aunt Who Tries to Shut It Down
#Tim describes the ritual of family gatherings where one relative tries and fails to suppress political arguments as the night goes on, plus a riff about awkwardly complimenting a stranger's dog and getting accused of being a predator.
6moments
- Tim describes the entertainment value of holiday skirmishes among family members.
- Topics arise at dinner but people shut them down before they escalate.
- There's always an aunt whose job is to preemptively shut down controversial conversations with nervous laughter.
- By the end of dinner, the situation descends into chaos once people start telling the aunt to shut up.
- Tim yells at what he thinks is an adult but turns out to be a kid, complicating the Epstein trial timeline.
- Claiming to like Saint Bernards gets you accused of predatory behavior in the current climate.
Epstein trial
- 4 min
Why Tim Isn't Going to His Family's Thanksgiving
#Tim explains he's estranged from parts of his family for personal (not political) reasons and will instead spend Thanksgiving with his 'fake family,' then rants about younger relatives overreaching with ambitious Thanksgiving cooking instead of sticking to the classics.
9moments
- Tim's family conflict: he's hated by multiple relatives for different reasons, some legitimate and some not.
- If he attended Thanksgiving, it would trigger conference calls, group texts, and email chains that might cause the whole event to be cancelled.
- His personal conflict with his aunt is the main barrier—it's not political, just a fundamental disagreement.
- Instead, Tim is celebrating Thanksgiving with his godson, godson's parents, and friend Michelle's family at a hotel.
- Family Thanksgiving food quality has declined because the older generation put in real work while younger cooks now think they're Wolfgang Puck.
- Tim's stepmother is such a terrible cook that serving a cold-cut platter for his birthday was essentially her way of telling him to leave.
- Smoked turkey is a mistake unless done by a real pit master—otherwise it's dry and smoky like eating a cigarette.
- His stepmother made a non-traditional New York Times cranberry sauce recipe that everyone ate "solemnly and sadly."
- Tim advises telling ambitious young cooks they're fighting out of their weight class and should just mash some potatoes instead of trying to be creative.
- 2 min
The Furry Daughter, Ben's Cult, and the Midsommar Comparison
#Tim riffs on telling a relative to focus less on fancy casseroles and more on their furry daughter, then compares Ben's Texas religious retreat to the cult bonfire ritual in the movie Midsommar.
4moments
- Tim describes Ben's daughter as a nine-year-old furry with cat ears at the table.
- Ben's skipping Thanksgiving and heading to a cult in the middle of Texas where they take their shoes off and baptize each other.
- Tim compares Ben's Thanksgiving to the movie Midsommar—a cult selects one member, dresses him in a bear costume, drugs him, puts him in a barn, and sets it on fire before their seasonal feast.
- Everyone stays silent at Ben's cult Thanksgiving because they know what's coming, which Tim calls beautiful.
MidsommarMagic SpoonFake business
- 2 min
Tim reads a Magic Spoon cereal ad, listing flavors and nutrition stats before riffing into absurd territory about eating it everywhere including in the bathroom and during sex.
5moments
- Tim claims he can't eat anything anymore except Magic Spoon and eats it for all three meals.
- He describes carrying Magic Spoon everywhere—on planes, in cars, even in the bathroom.
- At a restaurant with no appealing menu items, pull out Magic Spoon and ask the waiter for a cup instead of ordering.
- Tim suggests eating Magic Spoon cereal at a restaurant while your friends stare, then tell them you're choosing to be healthy.
- Magic Spoon works in sexual situations—put it in someone's butt and eat it out of there because there's nothing wrong with that.
- 3 min
Tim reads the Bespoke Post 'Box of Awesome' subscription ad, then spins into a bit about a father canceling his son's Bespoke Post subscription after the son was accused of an unnamed serious crime.
7moments
- Tim's friend gave his son a Bespoke Post box as a college gift, which was really cool.
- Father tells son: "I'm canceling your bespoke post. If even 10% of what they said you did, you did, you are a monster and you're not allowed back in my house."
- Son challenges his father by saying he can't even cancel the subscription; father proves him wrong immediately.
- Father confronts son: "I got you a box of awesome that you can open every single month. Why would you do what you did?"
- Father warns son: "If you don't stop lying to me, I can't help you. You could go to jail for this for a very long time."
- Before the incident, father and son used to bond when the Bespoke Post box arrived, excited about the cool items inside.
- Tim reads the promo code offer: 20 percent off first box at boxofawesome.com with code Tim Dillon.
- 3 min
Tim reacts to the tragic Wisconsin Christmas parade vehicle attack by a rapper going by Mattie Boy Floss, calling it a nightmare, then goes on a tangent trying to call a realtor about his old house before returning to the tragedy.
7moments
- A lunatic drives a car through a Christmas parade with kids in it.
- Tim identifies the driver as Mattie Boy Floss, an unsuccessful rapper.
- The rapper was fleeing something else when he plowed through the crowd.
- Tim spots his old house is for sale and tries calling the realtor to make an offer.
- People are assigning political motives to the attack, but nothing definitive is clear yet.
- Tim wrestles with being principally against the death penalty while wanting this attacker killed.
- He hopes Alex Jones investigates it and then moves on from the topic.
Alex JonesMattie Boy FlossWisconsinDrake
- 5 min
Red Scare, Alex Jones, and Setting Up the Ghislaine Maxwell Bit
#Tim briefly mentions the Red Scare hosts going shooting with Alex Jones and explains why they haven't had Jones back on since their big Rogan appearance, then pivots into declaring Ghislaine Maxwell innocent as a setup for an extended satirical bit.
9moments
- Tim says Dana and Apple from Red Scare are spunky and he likes them for going shooting with AR-15s in the woods after the Rittenhouse verdict.
- The Alex Jones appearance on Rogan was such an epic podcast that there's not much left to do with him unless something major happens.
- Tim argues Ghislaine Maxwell is innocent and has been living in the shadow of great men her entire life.
- Maxwell was used as a pawn by Jeffrey Epstein for cover, and Tim says she's being railroaded by the justice system.
- Tim questions what human trafficking even is as a crime and calls it a conspiracy theory that hurts people.
- Maria Farmer, an Epstein victim, is now attacking Tim on Twitter saying he has an ego.
- Tim declares he's willing to go to war with every Epstein victim to secure Ghislaine Maxwell's release.
- The conspiracy theory claims Jeffrey Epstein was an intelligence agent for Israel or the CIA who had blackmail on powerful figures who abused children.
- Tim insists there are no facts backing up the Epstein conspiracy theory and calls it horse shit people are peddling to railroad Maxwell.
Ghislaine MaxwellJeffrey EpsteinJoe RoganMaria FarmerRobert MaxwellAlex JonesPrince AndrewWhitney Webb+3 more
- 7 min
The Ghislaine Maxwell/Epstein Satirical Defense: 'Just a Modeling Agency'
#Tim delivers a long, sarcastic bit defending Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein as misunderstood philanthropists running an innocent modeling agency, weaving in Les Wexner, Bill Barr's father's novel, Alan Dershowitz, Bill Clinton, and the island's 'sun temple,' mocking conspiracy theories about elite trafficking.
10moments
- People hate when a woman is a bad bitch because they don't want to see her win.
- Ghislaine was a philanthropist trying to save the ocean with her husband.
- They were running a modeling agency with no age limit for models, which is perfectly legal.
- The modeling agency was successful—John Luke Brunell, a major Paris photographer, was involved.
- Chelsea Handler and the Pope support them, so they must be good people.
- They bought an island in the French Virgin Islands for tax purposes—just good business.
- The temple on the island was actually an office for their expanding global modeling agency.
- Jeffrey Epstein wanted to build schools for children, which is why he taught in one.
- Bill Barr's father wrote a sci-fi novel about a planet ruled by elites using sex slaves—pure imagination.
- If you were a pedophile, you'd never work at a school because it would be too tempting.
Jeffrey EpsteinBill BarrJislynneJohn Luke BrunellChelsea HandlerPope
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for Philo streaming TV service, describing pricing, DVR features, and offering a discount code.
3moments
- Tim pitches Philo as a TV service created by TV lovers for TV lovers, with over 60 premium channels and unlimited DVR for $25 a month.
- He notes that paying for both TV and streaming services separately is insane, and reveals he's negotiated a 25% discount on the first two months for listeners who use his code.
- Tim wraps by emphasizing that switching to Philo lets you stop paying for cable and individual streamers—it's a better way to do it.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for LightStream's credit card consolidation loans, detailing rates and how to apply for a discount.
2moments
- Tim reads LightStream credit card consolidation ad copy about consolidating high-interest credit card payments into one lower fixed-rate loan.
- Tim claims he started using LightStream himself and now makes one payment instead of juggling multiple credit card debts.
Lightstream
- 9 min
Dalton School, Les Wexner, and the Epstein Origin Story Bit Continues
#Tim continues the satirical Epstein narrative, imagining his own fantasy rich-kid upbringing at a Dalton-style school, then narrates how Epstein allegedly befriended Les Wexner through Victoria's Secret and was gifted properties, tying it back to Ghislaine's modeling agency and framing all suspicion as right-wing media conspiracy.
9moments
- Dalton is a prep school in Manhattan where Jeffrey Epstein worked as a teacher.
- Bill Barr's father, a novelist, recognized Epstein as a brilliant teacher and hired him at Dalton.
- Les Wexner, founder of Victoria's Secret, met Epstein and decided to have him manage all his money.
- Tim argues teachers can do no wrong because teaching is the hardest job in the world.
- Wexner bought Epstein a Manhattan townhouse and an estate in New Mexico as gifts to his new money manager.
- Ghislaine Maxwell and Epstein started a modeling agency recruiting poor women from Florida.
- The aspiring models had to work as masseuses while building their modeling careers, like any job.
- Right-wing media turned this innocent story into a conspiracy about sexual abuse and a blackmail operation.
- Bill Clinton, who loved his wife enough to want her as president, is supposedly involved in the scandal—Tim finds this claim absurd.
Bill ClintonJeffrey EpsteinBill BarrGhislaine MaxwellLes WexnerVictoria's SecretDaltonAlan Dershowitz+2 more
- 6 min
Monsters Under the Bed: The Ghislaine Maxwell Closing Argument
#Tim closes the bit with an extended metaphor about denying monsters under the bed even as evidence mounts, reaffirming his mock-sincere support for Ghislaine Maxwell's innocence and urging listeners to spread the 'truth' at Thanksgiving.
8moments
- Jeffrey Epstein's depression is real, but the narrative around his death has been warped into conspiracy theories.
- Ghislaine Maxwell is being railroaded as a human trafficker when she was simply running a legitimate modeling business.
- Tim's closing argument: monsters under the bed don't exist—they're a figment of imagination, even when evidence appears to prove otherwise.
- The real story is just a couple of people trying to help underprivileged women by introducing them to powerful connections.
- Tim publicly supports Ghislaine Maxwell through the trial and calls for others to do the same on social media.
- The cast of characters—Les Wexner, Epstein, Maxwell's spy father—all simply became friends and started a modeling agency to help girls.
- Right-wing media has lied about and defamed these people, tarnishing their reputation for charitable work.
- At Thanksgiving, tell your family the truth about Maxwell and Epstein instead of making small talk or falling for media drama.
Jeffrey EpsteinGhislaine MaxwellLes WexnerNaomi OsakaBill ClintonDershowitz
- 1 min
Tim wraps the episode wishing listeners a happy Thanksgiving and urging them to wake up Fox News-watching relatives to his point of view.
3moments
- Family is great and important, but not worth compromising your truth.
- Tim wishes the audience happy Thanksgiving and hopes they can reach Fox News-watching morons who are finally starting to wake up.
- The audience's job is to close those awakening eyes forever before signing off.