Episode 240 · The Ben Avery Era
#240 - Kendall v. Woody | The Tim Dillon Show
Feb 21, 2021 · 1:11:10 · 533,000 views · 26 segments, 158 moments indexed
Live, late night, from a hotel in Boston, Tim discusses the new Woody Allen documentary coming out, getting Joe Rogan on Clubhouse, and Kendall Jenner's new Tequila company.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Smoking in the Encore Hotel Room in Everett
#Tim and Dan joke about ash in clam strips and smoking in the hotel room, revealing they're recording at the Encore casino hotel in Everett, Massachusetts because Texas has been destroyed by the winter storm.
2moments
- Tim complains about ash getting in the clam strips.
- Tim says the hotel staff should consider themselves lucky smoking is all he's doing given the service they've provided.
EncoreEverett, Massachusetts
- 2 min
Family Texting During the Texas Snowstorm
#Tim rants about his family texting hollow "do you need anything" messages during the Texas ice storm, arguing people only offer help when they know they can't actually provide it.
7moments
- Tim notes Texas has been destroyed by snow while Rogan and Musk lure people to move there.
- His family texts asking if he needs anything during the crisis, which he finds useless.
- People only ask if you need something when they know damn well they can't actually help you.
- Tim imagines his family asking if he's coming while the state has rolling blackouts and no water.
- Michelle texted him "do you need something" all day—the most hollow gesture in the world.
- If he's not okay, then what—will they feel sad from a distance while doing nothing?
- Tim's answer: yes, he'd like the state to immediately get water treatment facilities and clear the roads.
- 2 min
His Cousin's Tour Ticket Requests Amid the Storm
#Tim reads absurd texts from his cousin asking about Providence show tickets and scheduling while he was allegedly freezing and powerless, contrasting real suffering with people's self-interest.
6moments
- Tim's cousin texts during the storm asking if he's still coming to Providence and wants tickets
- You can't create these people if you were trying — the casual audacity of the request
- The cousin's message: "hope everything's okay" before pivoting to ticket demands
- "Hey hope you're surviving the snow" while people are literally freezing to death in the streets
- Cousin follows up: "Hopefully the snow will be gone in time for your Providence shows"
- The cousin asks which date works better for the free tickets — Monday or Tuesday
- 1 min
Long Island Guilt and His Agent's Charter Flight Scheme
#Tim discusses Long Island mentality, then describes his agent pushing him to take a risky charter flight out of the storm for a commission, joking about the agent's callous cost-benefit thinking if the plane crashed.
4moments
- Long Island natives never truly leave, mentally trapped by their origins and the weight of family expectations.
- Tim's agent pressures him to take an $15,000 charter flight despite the obvious danger.
- The agent's logic: if the plane crashes, they sue for the commission anyway, so the outcome doesn't matter.
- Tim impersonates the agent's complete indifference to him dying—whether he breaks his neck or incinerates, it's all the same to the agent.
- 2 min
Surviving the Texas Storm: Grocery Store Panic and Ted Cruz to Mexico
#Tim recounts the day-by-day decline of the storm, empty grocery shelves, people hoarding frozen food while produce sat untouched, boiling their own water, and Ted Cruz's infamous trip to Cancun.
7moments
- Tim describes the progression of the Texas winter storm: day one felt like a snow day, day two seemed wacky, day three became a real problem.
- Gas stations, fast food, and most businesses stayed closed; Whataburger had an hour-and-a-half line when it finally opened on day two.
- People in the area had no water and no electricity to boil it, while Ted Cruz went to Mexico.
- When shopping during a blizzard, nobody wants a salad—Tim and Dan went hard at the grocery store instead.
- Frozen food sold out completely even though by day three everyone knew the weather would break the next day.
- Tim mocks shoppers panic-buying Red Baron pizzas and White Castle sliders despite knowing the storm was ending, refusing to do a cleanse.
- In the grocery store as the sun melted the snow, people still filled buckets of food—Tim notes the panic had become detached from actual emergency conditions.
- 2 min
COVID Elevator Rules and Desperate Gamblers at the Encore
#Tim mocks the arbitrary COVID capacity rules at the casino elevators and describes the sad scene of people blowing stimulus checks and watching young heroin addicts gamble.
6moments
- Tim describes the type of people who go to a casino in February during a pandemic.
- Casino enforces strict elevator capacity rules with a two-thousand-dollar fine for violations.
- Tim questions the logic of four-person elevator limits and whether any virologist designed these rules.
- Desperate people are spending stimulus checks and AMC losses trying to win big at the casino.
- Tim finds it tough to watch hardened Massachusetts people gambling and hoping for a lucky break.
- Young, pale heroin addicts with tattoos wandering around a casino is worse than elderly gamblers.
casinosAMCBoston Harbor
- 9 min
Kendall Jenner's 818 Tequila 'Slavery' Bit
#Tim builds an extended absurd bit claiming Kendall Jenner is being accused of literally buying slaves rather than just launching 818 Tequila, riffing on cultural appropriation backlash, comparing it to George Clooney's tequila brand, and mocking an angry tweet about her family's field labor.
10moments
- Kendall Jenner and 818 Tequila drawing backlash for cultural appropriation of Mexican tequila production
- Tim argues cancel culture prevents Kendall from operating a slave trading business like she does with tequila
- The actual product is tequila, not slaves, but people are upset about cultural appropriation of the area code 818
- Jalisco families have worked for hundreds of years making tequila while Kendall just shows up and takes the market
- Kylie is the billionaire while Kendall has nothing, so Kendall is just trying to profit off tequila
- Twitter user complains about celebrity tequila trend and his family's back-breaking work in Jalisco fields
- Tim explains what Kendall actually knows about tequila: drinking it and getting into Range Rovers without getting caught
- Person tweeting about field work probably isn't actually in the fields if they have time to post on Twitter
- The people actually upset should be the ones working in the fields, not people online complaining about Kendall Jenner
- Everyone profits off brown hands in the fields, so singling out Kendall while ignoring George Clooney and others is inconsistent
Kendall JennerKardashian familyKylie JennerGeorge ClooneyO.J. SimpsonJalisco
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Massive Supplements' fasting and fitness challenges, joking about the cash incentive and domestic violence tie-ins, and describing the ex-Navy SEAL founder.
6moments
- Tim jokes that Massive Supplements will pay you $500 cash for completing challenges — money you can use for bail after being accused of domestic violence.
- The program's mindset: your wife fell down the stairs, she didn't get hit, she's always running her mouth.
- Tim explains the response when people ask why you're not eating: because you don't want to be a fat pig anymore.
- Creator Mitch Aguilar is a former Navy SEAL, professional MMA fighter, and psychopath who developed Smash and Greens for weight-class cutting.
- Krista Stefano drank Massive coffee daily, got jacked up, and it played a part in the dissolution of History Hyenas.
- Massive sent Tim a box of products including a shirt that says 'Defund the Media,' also available for sale on their site.
- 1 min
A straightforward sponsor read for BlueChew's chewable erectile dysfunction medication delivery service.
4moments
- Episode sponsored by BlueChew, a chewable tablet service offering Viagra and Cialis equivalents at a fraction of the cost.
- BlueChew operates as an online prescription service with no doctor visits, pharmacy lines, or awkward conversations required.
- Licensed medical providers work with you online to find the right ingredient and strength, with discreet shipping to your door.
- Use promo code TD at BlueChew.com for the first month free.
- 5 min
The Woody Allen HBO Documentary Breaks
#Tim and Dan discuss the upcoming 'Allen v. Farrow' HBO documentary, debating Woody Allen's guilt, his relationship with Soon-Yi, and his general demeanor, building into riffs about Timothée Chalamet, Armie Hammer's cannibalism scandal, and Tim's fake casting story about being replaced in an Allen film.
8moments
- Tim acknowledges Woody Allen is a brilliant filmmaker but notes all his movies focus on young women
- The HBO documentary 'Allen v. Farrow' features Dylan Farrow claiming abuse on camera as a seven-year-old
- Tim points out Allen married his stepdaughter, and observes he comes across as sociopathic in interviews—never sad or particularly happy
- Tim does a bit mimicking Allen's detached tone about writing daily and abusing his child
- Allen wanting to live in separate houses from Mia Farrow is presented as a red flag, though Tim notes the Kardashians do the same thing
- Tim riffs on the absurd hypothetical of Woody Allen marrying Kendall Jenner and starting a tequila empire
- Tim says the documentary will probably be the end of Allen, though he's already largely out of the picture
- Tim expresses conflicted admiration for Woody Allen's work while being unable to overlook the allegations of child abuse
Woody AllenSoon-Yi PrevinMia FarrowAdam CurtisKendall Jenner
- 3 min
Inviting Dylan Farrow and Kendall Jenner on the Show
#Tim jokingly offers to have Dylan Farrow and Kendall Jenner come on the podcast to tell their sides of the story, treating both controversies as bookable content.
6moments
- Tim's opening joke: Woody Allen rapes Kendall Jenner as a way to heal.
- Tim maintains there's no evidence or proof of Woody Allen's guilt that was satisfactory to anyone, yet he lost everything.
- Tim lays out his situation: acknowledging Dylan Farrow suffered something horrible, but the accusation case is complicated by Ronan and Mia Farrow's involvement.
- Woody Allen claims Mia Farrow orchestrated the entire thing, making it a tough situation for everyone involved.
- Tim would have Dylan Farrow on the show and extends an open invitation to tell her tale, true or not.
- Same offer extends to Kendall Jenner if she wants to come talk about slavery.
Woody AllenDylan FarrowRonan FarrowKendall JennerMia FarrowChris
- 8 min
Should Woody Allen Be Allowed to Start a Tequila Company
#Tim escalates into a long absurdist riff conflating the Woody Allen and Kendall Jenner controversies, joking about hindsight, cancel culture logic, and imagining Allen defending himself or marrying Jenner.
11moments
- Tim poses the opening question: if you're a brilliant artist like Woody Allen, should you be allowed to start a tequila company?
- The punchline: "You can't rape the kids, Woody. Don't do it."
- Tim explains how Woody's films now look different in hindsight—all those movies with him pursuing high school girls will seem wrong retroactively.
- Everything is revision now: Tim says hindsight is 20/20, and learning about Kendall Jenner's tequila made him realize the ice camps were wrong.
- Woody Allen denies everything and still has a better relationship with Dylan than Tim has with his own aunt.
- Timothée Chalamet backed out of Woody's premiere, and Tim has offered him a public relations course involving a fish tank.
- Tim's lawyer told him to stop saying things about keeping Chalamet in sensory deprivation—same lawyer who warned him about the Airbnb.
- Call Me by Your Name was "freaky" because Chalamet was 17, but it didn't matter because it was gay and it was in Italy.
- Tim on Armie Hammer's cannibalism fantasies: when you fuck as much as Armie Hammer, you have to imagine eating a kidney to get off.
- Tim auditioned for a film with Ben, nailed it in five takes over four days, but they gave the role to someone "fatter and older and a better actor."
- The director who cast someone else over Tim for that major role: Woody Allen.
Woody AllenTimothée ChalametArmie HammerKendall JennerCall Me by Your Name
- 2 min
Woody Allen's Fake Casting Call and Bus Driver Role
#Tim continues the bit about supposedly being cast by Woody Allen in a film about a man obsessed with a young girl, describing his imaginary role as a bus driver and getting bumped for being 'not fat enough.'
4moments
- Tim recounts Woody Allen calling him for a film role about a man who stalks a girl from school, fantasizes about kidnapping her, but ends up having coffee and listening to Red Scare with her instead.
- Tim was supposed to play the bus driver in the film, but can't do it now because he's not fat or old enough for the part.
- When pushed on whether he could get fatter and older for the role, Tim quips that he's already fat enough to have qualified for the COVID vaccine.
- Tim pivots to complaining that the news sucks, everything's boring, and everyone who grifted on politics is about to lose their job.
- 3 min
Joe Rogan's Historic Clubhouse Appearance and the Weinstein Brothers
#Tim describes bringing Joe Rogan onto Clubhouse with Eric and Bret Weinstein, Lex Fridman, and Naval Ravikant, mocking Naval's vague bio and joking about Rogan grilling the app's founder about hosting Trump.
8moments
- People are mad they don't have a Clubhouse invite, which Tim calls revealing about what angers society.
- Tim brought Joe Rogan on Clubhouse for a historic moment, then Joe confronted the app's founder about having Trump on.
- Joe pressed the founder hard, asking if he'd ever been on Oculus—suggesting people on Clubhouse can't even see each other.
- Tim recently took zinc after Joe claimed it cured coronavirus and now feels like his stomach is exploding.
- Naval Ravikant has a million Twitter followers but nothing in his bio; Tim looked him up and remains unimpressed.
- Tim says everyone on Clubhouse is fake and full of entrepreneurs, none of whom invest like he does.
- Real investors lose money honestly—Tim went heavy into AMC and lost $1,800, unlike scammers who win.
- Tim curses Dave Portnoy in his backyard and blames him and Robinhood for not holding the line on his shares.
Joe RoganDave PortnoyClubhouseAMCBrett WeinsteinEric WeinsteinNaval RavikantRobinhood+2 more
- 1 min
Losing $1800 on AMC Stock
#Tim describes his losses gambling on AMC stock and jokes about being a 'real investor' who loses money, tying back to memories of getting high in empty movie theaters.
2moments
- Tim did cocaine during a Devil's Rejects showing in 2007, the only person in the theater during the mortgage crisis.
- He invested in AMC stock thinking it would come back, then lost $1800 on it.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for Lucy nicotine gum and lozenges as a smoking alternative, including flavor details and a promo code.
2moments
- Tim reads a Lucy nicotine gum ad featuring Caltech scientists and former smokers pitching a tobacco alternative.
- The ad claims Lucy products can be used anywhere—flights, the gym, on the go—with Tim adding his personal endorsement that he switched and hasn't had a cigarette since.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for Keeps, the hair loss prevention treatment service, covering pricing and delivery.
2moments
- Tim explains the reality of hair loss: two out of three men will experience some type of hair loss by age 35.
- Keeps offers a simple, stress-free way to prevent hair loss with virtual doctor consultations and medications delivered to your door every three months.
- 5 min
Dylan Farrow's Testimony and Mia Farrow's Alleged Coaching
#Tim and Dan dig into details of the Allen v. Farrow documentary, discussing Dylan Farrow's childhood testimony about the attic incident, whether Mia Farrow coached her, and wishing Eric Weinstein or Jordan Peterson would appear in it, plus Tim's continued grievance about being cut from Allen's film.
8moments
- Documentary features counselors and social workers who witnessed Dylan's testimony about Woody Allen molesting her in the attic at age seven.
- Tim notes Dylan Farrow is now 35 years old and discusses her ongoing animosity toward Woody Allen.
- The coaching theory: some claim Mia Farrow coached Dylan into making the molestation accusations, which Tim describes as a monstrous act even if Allen was abusive.
- The documentary is designed to destroy Woody Allen's legacy completely, leaving viewers with no doubt about his guilt according to people who've seen it.
- Allen v. Farrow premieres tomorrow at 9 p.m. Eastern on HBO.
- Tim acknowledges the subject is serious despite joking about it, noting the documentary will force a reckoning with Woody Allen's legacy as a comedic genius.
- Woody Allen wrote an article claiming total innocence and asserting the matter had been settled before the documentary.
- Tim expresses lingering resentment that Woody Allen promised to cast him in a movie but gave the role to someone else instead.
Woody AllenMia FarrowDylan FarrowAllen v. FarrowEric WeinsteinJordan Peterson
- 1 min
Booking Dylan Farrow to Talk Bitcoin Instead of Molestation
#Tim jokes about inviting Dylan Farrow on the show only if she avoids discussing the abuse and instead talks about crypto investing and brand building.
4moments
- Tim invites Dylan Farrow on the show to discuss her brands, products, or investments instead of molestation allegations.
- Dylan could come on and talk about bitcoin, but Tim warns against depressing everybody with molestation discussion.
- Tim lays out the condition: guests can discuss cryptos and market positioning, but the moment they throw dirt on Woody Allen's name, they're getting bleached out of the episode.
- Talk about food like clam strips on the show, but don't talk about your own clam strip, Tim instructs.
- 1 min
Childhood Molestation Confession Bit
#Tim delivers a dark bit claiming he wanted to be molested as a child and no one obliged, framing it as a hack joke about his own church upbringing.
4moments
- As a child, Tim wanted to be molested, and he's clarifying he's not making fun of actual victims.
- He describes standing in church with his pants open, hoping a priest would molest him, while his parents encouraged it.
- His parents would send him to the rectory and later mock him for not being abused.
- He pivots to wondering why Bruce Springsteen doesn't do a Jeep commercial about Woody Allen raping America's strength in the middle.
- 4 min
Bruce Springsteen's DUI and the Jeep Commercial
#Tim discusses Bruce Springsteen's DUI arrest and Jeep running his Super Bowl commercial anyway, riffing on what brand would similarly stand by Woody Allen, landing on a joke about Yoplait yogurt.
10moments
- Tim jokes about crashing his car and being a big truck after discussing America's strength.
- Speculation that Springsteen said racist things during the DUI arrest, with 24 pages redacted from the report.
- Tim imagines Springsteen screaming "I'm the Boss" and "I'm a white man born in the USA" at the officer.
- Jeep went through with the commercial despite Springsteen's November DUI arrest because people enjoy drunk celebrities.
- Jeep Grand Cherokee buyers don't care that Springsteen is a drunk, just like they wouldn't care if Woody Allen was the spokesperson.
- Tim tries to imagine what product would actually go through with Woody Allen as a spokesperson, settling on Yoplait yogurt.
- Tim imagines the Jeep CEO hearing about Springsteen's arrest and deciding to use the incident in the commercial.
- Tim's ideal Jeep ad: bloated Springsteen getting thrown in the back of a cruiser with the tagline "Nobody stops the Boss."
- Revelation that Springsteen was on a motorcycle, not in a Jeep, prompting Tim to suggest he drive one next time.
- Springsteen's lawyer argues the shot was probably Gatorade, not tequila, described as a direct quote from a real Jersey lawyer.
- 2 min
Letting Mr. Beast and Autists Run the World
#Tim riffs on society collapsing and jokes that we should let harmless nerds like Mr. Beast curate culture since they can't cause real harm, then pivots to imagining Kendall Jenner posing at an ICE camp with tequila.
8moments
- MrBeast's legal team includes the same lawyer representing Woody Allen
- Tim on all our heroes collapsing in front of us
- The solution: let MrBeast, nerds, and autists run the country
- People who can't say hello or shake hands probably can't rape anyone either
- Tim feels bad for Kendall Jenner having a rough week like Woody Allen
- Kendall Jenner should be eating and posing in a sombrero at Boa's steakhouse
- The Pepsi commercial precedent: why not a tequila shot for an ICE agent instead
- The agent opens the cage, kids come out and start dancing
- 2 min
Worrying the Hotel Will Use This Recording Against Them
#Tim and Dan joke nervously about the hotel discovering they smoked and about being overheard, while Tim professes he doesn't know enough facts to take a side on the Kendall Jenner tequila controversy.
7moments
- Tim worries the hotel will use the recording against them for smoking in the room.
- They debate whether the cigarettes could be claimed as Broadway props or stage cigarettes.
- The episode was delayed several hours and will go up in about five hours.
- Tim doesn't know what side to take on controversies he lacks information about.
- He doesn't care that the Kardashians are constantly courting controversy and making noise.
- Tim compares the Kardashians to Woody Allen and other important figures who occasionally do wacky things.
- Tim claims he didn't do anything, just lived through a snowstorm and saw Texas icing over.
Dylan FarrowKendall JennerKanye WestKardashian familyKim KardashianWoody AllenCaitlyn Jenner
- 3 min
Fantasy Woody Allen Ensemble Film
#Tim pitches an absurd fantasy movie starring himself, Armie Hammer, Bruce Springsteen, and Kendall Jenner, directed by Woody Allen, joking about consensually eating Timothée Chalamet.
8moments
- Ted Cruz should start flaming Kendall Jenner on Twitter about culturally appropriating real Mexican tequila.
- Tim says he'll do Woody Allen's new film even though Timothée Chalamet won't, describing him as a strange bird-like creature.
- Shalom is like a weird mollusk that should sit on a shellfish tower and be dunked into sauces and eaten.
- Let Army Hammer back in—he wants to eat someone's heart but it's all fantasy, so a new movie idea forms.
- New movie idea: Tim, Army Hammer, Bruce Springsteen, and Kendall Jenner directed by Woody Allen—everyone's happy.
- What if Woody made a really good movie about being in love with a seven-year-old but it was truly funny?
- The comedy would be him and a seven-year-old in an intellectual rom-com where he falls in love with a literal child and they walk around New York City.
- If the writing is good—punch, punch, punch—laugh, laugh, laugh with quick, smart execution, it could work.
Woody AllenTimothée ChalametArmie HammerKendall JennerTed CruzBruce Springsteen
- 1 min
Woody Allen Takes the Seven-Year-Old to Rome
#Tim continues the fictional Woody Allen movie pitch, imagining him fleeing to Rome with a child character and Bruce Springsteen scoring it, plus a riff about COVID being 'made in a lab.'
3moments
- Tim jokes about living in a Range Rover in a Whataburger parking lot instead of financing a Tesla.
- Tim's riff: don't listen to Mia Farrow or Covid 19.
- Tim imagines Woody Allen's rebuttal to scandal allegations being that Covid was made in a lab.
- 7 min
The Boston Harbor Hotel Credit Card Scam Story
#Tim and Dan recount in detail how they tried to check into the Boston Harbor Hotel's presidential suite, had Tim's card declined, argued the room wasn't well-lit to get a refund, and compare the whole ordeal to drug addicts scamming a suite to shoot up in luxury before signing off.
11moments
- Tim arrives at the Boston Harbor Hotel with a demanding list: big room, big table, big desk, terrace, helicopter pad, butler, silver plates, china.
- His credit card gets declined because he has no money on it, then explains that real wealthy people don't actually carry money.
- The card keeps declining and the hotel staff asks if he has even one hundred dollars to authorize, while his phone is dead and needs charging.
- They finally get money raised on the card, check the room, decide it's not good enough, and demand a refund claiming insufficient lighting for podcast recording.
- Tim insists he genuinely wasn't impressed with the room and didn't think it was worth the money.
- Dan claims his phone was used at the concierge to charge Tim's phone and helped raise the credit limit, making him a partial financier of the podcast.
- Tim defends the situation as a negotiation tactic: having no money and creating chaos to confuse people and get what he wants.
- They looked like two guys walking into a hotel to shoot up in a fancy area, forcing the staff to wonder what they'd do in the room.
- Tim pitches drug addicts on the idea of booking the presidential suite instead of budget motels, then leaving after using it.
- The hotel staff probably expected to find fetuses hanging from the ceiling when they cleaned the room after Tim and Dan left.
- Tim tells listeners to follow Dan Carney, then says Dan doesn't deserve it and that he should make Tim earn the follow instead.
Boston Harbor Hotel