rant · moment 22 of 41
The Long Island Wedding Saga of Tommy and Nicole
from #172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show · #172
12 min
Tim launches into an extended improvised story/parody of a quintessential Long Island wedding, inventing the entire courtship, engagement, and vows of "Tommy and Nicole" including a pit bull, a Long Island Rail Road job, and dueling wedding speeches.
- Long Island weddings are $80,000 affairs where couples light money on fire in front of a roomful of people after saving for two years and living in a basement.
- The bride wants to feel like a princess for nine hours before returning to medical billing, drinking cheap coffee, and smoking menthol lights outside the office.
- After nine months on keto and losing six pounds without understanding it, the bride destroys her dress while the groom and his friends do cocaine at a strip club the week before.
- Catering halls like Jericho Terrace and Leonard's of Great Neck look like places where Little League trophy nights happen and subprime mortgage brokers learn how to rob people.
- Tim met Nicole when she lost her shoe vomiting at an event; she claimed pregnancy rather than too much drinking, so he took her for an abortion and a bacon egg and cheese the next day.
- Tim and Nicole moved in together because neither could afford apartments alone—both had been evicted the week before.
- Tim gave his name to the Long Island Rail Road four years ago and finally got hired to punch tickets in the most important job in New York.
- The children Nicole was watching for a year got hit by a car, so she decided to go back to bartending.
- Nicole's wedding vows compare their relationship to watching Harry Potter movies—they saw the third one first, didn't understand it, then watched the first two, and now it's their favorite thing.
- Long Island weddings unite two criminals, demons, and things crawled out of a swamp of coffee creamer and bacon egg and cheese, beginning a horrible life that ruins the world just a little bit.
- At the wedding, two people dressed as Pikachu bought their costumes from CVS, which Tim finds sad.
- Tim dressed up as Super Mario for Halloween, which he describes as a little bit basic, and stopped dressing up after eighth grade when he switched to throwing eggs.
- In eleventh grade, Tim and his friends at a house in Rockville Center threw whole fruit at passing cars thinking it was funny, until drivers would stop and bang on the door yelling.
Long IslandHarry PotterLeonard's of Great NeckThe Comedy StoreRockville CenterThe SopranosOneonta