Episode 170 · The Porch Era
#170 - Eat The Rich; They're Keto Part 1| The Tim Dillon Show
Oct 20, 2019 · 2:00:33 · 292,000 views · 27 segments, 213 moments indexed
Tim and Ray podcast and drive in this two part episode in a minivan across Long Island. They go from the North Shore, to the shack that Ray grew up in, all while swapping stories and avoiding the police.
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- 1 min
Timmy the Trashcan Jingle / Cold Open
#An in-character jingle bit as Timmy the trashcan pleading for trash, followed by a flubbed re-recording moment.
2moments
- Tim performs the Timmy the Trashcan jingle, singing about loving trash like popcorn and candy wrappers
- Tim breaks character mid-jingle, cursing and complaining about having to re-record it
- 6 min
Leaf Peeping and Driving Around Deer Park with Ray
#Tim and Ray riff on the phrase 'leaf peeping,' joke about skateboarders and pumpkins, then drive around Ray's hometown pointing out Denny's, GameStop, and old hangouts.
9moments
- Tim explains leaf peeping and makes it sound like a sexual act.
- Ray defends his town against Tim's criticism by driving him around.
- Ray used to work at this McDonald's as a cashier.
- Ray's boss taught him the proper way to clean by spreading out the rag for more surface area.
- Ray quit McDonald's at fifteen because he wanted to focus on kung fu movies and anime.
- His store manager asked him where else he would go, implying the fryer was his destiny.
- A coworker at McDonald's choked Ray because he was doing a ninja karate chop joke during a slow shift.
- Ed Mangano was a corrupt Nassau County executive who took food bribes and gave his wife a no-show job as a food tester paying $400,000.
- Passing by one of the shittiest bars in the world on the tour.
- 2 min
You Need a Rest: The Shittiest Bar in Deer Park
#Tim describes a rundown local bar and riffs on how even the worst bars are places people go to hook up, plus a story about a hoarder woman from the neighborhood.
7moments
- The hoarder woman from his block used to hang out at Lisa's Lounge in Deer Park and go home with guys.
- Tim notes that even the shittiest bars are places where people go to hook up, regardless of how decrepit they are.
- The bar was kind of a drug bar, but Tim wasn't trying to hook up there anyway.
- Tim references videos of some guy at the bar with women and old, ugly-looking guys trying to pick people up—he calls it sad.
- The guy got banned from Twitter, then followed Tim again after getting back on the platform.
- Tim asks his guest not to say his street name, worried about losing anonymity despite living in a rural area.
- Tim concedes that TMZ showing up to his location isn't actually his worst concern.
- 4 min
Suburban Garage Sales, Hoarder Houses, and Pilgrim State
#Driving through the suburban neighborhood, Tim and Ray joke about garage sales, a suicidal kid's lawn taunt, a piss-soaked hoarder house, and the Pilgrim State mental institution comedy show where a heckler chose jail over the show.
7moments
- Garage sales are a tried-and-true American staple where people sell old shoes to buy oxycontin in the parking lot.
- Tim recalls a Catholic High School kid threatening to kill himself on someone's lawn as a comeback.
- A hoarder house on the corner had floors so saturated with urine they condemned the entire structure.
- Condemned houses with reclusive residents were a real phenomenon from his childhood, not just a movie trope.
- Tim performed comedy at Pilgrim State mental institution, a rehab facility, where the show was part of rehabilitation programming.
- During a show at Pilgrim State, a patient bombed on stage and when told he'd go to jail if he walked out, responded that he didn't care.
- The ultimate test of bombing in comedy is when people choose jail over sitting through the rest of your set.
Norman RockwellPilgrim StateMo DiggsKings Park
- 5 min
Being Gay, Straight Privilege, and Plumber Fantasies
#Tim and Ray riff on sexuality, being 'credits to the orientation,' and Tim's fantasy of being a plumber, before passing a pet hotel and laundromat that spark heroin-addict-neighbor memories.
9moments
- Tim thinks he could advance further in life if he were straight, though it's only a slight advantage in entertainment.
- Women have told him online that he lays pipe well, assuming they meant actual plumbing work since he's a laborer.
- Tim wishes he'd been a plumber—the job pays well and is like assembling adult Legos.
- Long Island's carb-heavy food culture: fast food pizza and pasta restaurants replacing businesses like the old Blockbuster.
- The town is so unsafe that urgent care facilities, methadone clinics, and lock stores proliferate to handle the consequences.
- Tim was skateboarding outside his house in sixth grade when a middle-aged man approached him and started reminiscing about the old days.
- His mother came outside and yelled at the man to get away from her boy, suggesting the encounter may have had sinister intent.
- Movies wrongly portray pedophiles as fat, greasy men, when in reality titans of industry and politicians are the ones actively engaged.
- The man who approached Tim was probably looking to pick up a kid, and Tim notes the predator wasn't going to be him.
- 3 min
Childhood Pedophile Encounter and the Movie 'Little Children'/'LIE'
#Tim tells a story about a predatory older kid from his childhood skateboarding days, then segues into a detailed discussion of the film LIE and its themes of pedophilia and Long Island suburbia.
6moments
- Tim discusses Paul Dano and Brian Cox in the movie 'LIE,' noting Cox's character is a pedophile who turns down a kid.
- The pedophile rejects the child over his anatomy, making him prove he has more than five inches—a moment Tim credits to Cox possibly ad-libbing as a smart actor.
- Tim explains the movie's tagline references lanes going east, west, and straight to hell, referencing the Long Island Expressway and deaths like Harry Chapin and Lee Iacocca.
- The film follows a kid whose corrupt builder father was played by the actor who appeared in a scene where someone threatens to kill Sinatra to void a house contract.
- Tim describes the plot: the kid ditches school and gets involved with a group robbing houses before being preyed on by a pedophile.
- Tim argues the movie could be set anywhere and questions why filmmakers don't make more stories about how fast food makes everyone fat instead.
Brian CoxLong Island ExpresswayPaul DanoHarry Chapin
- 6 min
Car Crash With Federal Agents and the Epstein Rendition Theory
#Tim recounts falling asleep at the wheel and hitting a car full of federal agents, spinning into a theory that they were secretly transporting Jeffrey Epstein, then into Seymour Hersh's claims about military atrocities and pedophile networks among the powerful.
12moments
- Tim has been in five car accidents, including one on Long Island with a state trooper or federal agents who let him go.
- He fell asleep at the wheel two minutes from home after being dropped off from the city.
- The federal officers in an unmarked car were in such a rush to get to the airport they left the scene after the collision.
- They might have been transporting a kidnapped scientist from Brookhaven National Laboratories.
- Tim discusses a video by someone claiming to have witnessed torture, styled like heartwarming content about a doctor helping kids with amputated feet.
- Seymour Hersh reported that CIA tapes allegedly show soldiers raping children in front of their fathers.
- Tim doesn't believe in lone pedophiles or rogue operators—he thinks all pedophiles operate in organized groups.
- He expresses skepticism about Stephen Paddock as the Las Vegas shooter, citing his lack of history, social media presence, or known associates.
- Paddock's brother was arrested for child pornography and then disappeared, which Tim finds suspicious.
- Chris Matthews claimed politicians are poor, which is why they accept rides on Epstein's plane, leading Tim to mock the argument as nonsensical.
- Everyone on Epstein's jet was guaranteed to be a multimillionaire, so poverty was never a factor in their participation.
- Tim jokes that the reason he's broke is because he doesn't have sex with kids, implying wealth correlates with child abuse.
Jeffrey EpsteinBrookhaven National LaboratoriesStephen PaddockThe ClintonsChris MatthewsAbu GhraibLas Vegas shootingBobby Kennedy+5 more
- 4 min
Robert Moses, Racist Parkways, and Podcasting While Driving
#Tim and Ray discuss Robert Moses designing Long Island parkways with low overpasses to exclude buses and poor/black residents, then joke about whether podcasting while driving is illegal.
6moments
- The Belt Parkway is one of the top ten most dangerous roads in the world, despite being in a civilized country.
- Robert Moses designed all the parkways to Long Island with low overpasses and excluded buses, allegedly to keep poor people away.
- Tim clarifies he's not defending Robert Moses from racism charges, just noting that poor white people also couldn't get bused to the beaches.
- Tim and guest wonder if podcasting while driving is illegal, like talking on the phone.
- Tim imagines parents thinking their kid is jerking off in the bedroom with a microphone and threatening to get him to ask for subscribers.
- Tim's father and aunt both offered him places to stay in New York, though hotels were running a thousand dollars a night due to Columbus Day weekend.
Robert MosesBelt ParkwayBill Richardson
- 3 min
Family Won't Let Him Stay Over on Long Island
#Tim describes his dad and aunt making excuses (garage sales, cat fleas) to avoid letting him stay the night, comparing it to relatives always mysteriously getting 'sick' during holidays.
8moments
- Parents won't let him stay over — they always say this weekend doesn't work, only sometime in the future.
- They blamed the cat's fleas for canceling Thanksgiving, then blamed the same cat's fleas again at Christmas.
- The real issue: his parents don't want him in the house, possibly worried he'll somehow refuse to leave.
- Tim jokes about what would happen if he moved back in — lighting cigarettes and waving them around like he owns the place.
- Family members fake illness during holidays to get out of gatherings, using age as cover for the excuse.
- His aunt Kathleen canceled Thanksgiving the night before by claiming she wasn't feeling up to it.
- Tim shifts to stories about people dying on the Southern State Parkway, which he used to see as a kid.
- Getting hit by a truck leaves the head feeling like a bag of broken glass inside, though it often looks relatively intact from outside.
- 2 min
Roadside Memorials and What a Body Looks Like After Being Hit by a Truck
#Passing memorial crosses on the Southern State Parkway leads to a graphic description of pedestrian death by truck and morgue curiosities.
5moments
- Tim describes what a body looks like after being hit by a truck—skin holding loose pieces together like a broken lightbulb, with gravel embedded and burn marks from skidding.
- Brett asks if women's breasts look the same variety after death as they do on living women.
- Tim admits he'd be curious to look at a good-looking guy who overdosed on heroin at the morgue.
- Morgue cases often involve surprises—people trying to cross the southern border or who haven't seen a doctor in ten years, turning investigations into a 'fun game of Clue.'
- Tim explains why people die in toilets: they feel bad and figure they'll just take a shit rather than go to the doctor.
- 3 min
Doctor Visits, Keto Diets, and a Massive Brunch Confession
#Tim describes his Fox News-loving doctor, debates keto rules with Ray, and confesses to an enormous binge-eating day including cinnamon rolls, risotto, eggs benedict, and Chinese food.
8moments
- Growing up, people would ask if you moved your bowels when you felt sick, which Tim says took him a while to understand.
- Tim's doctor, Dr. Ramos, has a picture of George W. Bush on the wall and is a Fox News fan, but recommends Mediterranean diet over keto.
- Tim went to brunch at Park Avenue Autumn and confesses to eating cinnamon rolls with honey roasted almonds.
- Tim claims he walked six miles to justify the meal, but burned only around 600 calories maximum at that pace.
- The full brunch order included breakfast risotto, pumpkin risotto with sausage, butternut squash soup, avocado toast with crab, and a chicken sandwich with jalapeño coleslaw.
- The brunch continued with smoked salmon eggs benedict, a s'mores sundae, and crème brûlée.
- After brunch, Tim had a bag of roast beef in his backpack and later ate General Tso's chicken, beef lo mein, scallion pancake, and dumplings.
- Tim acknowledges he went off his dietary program, admitting not everyone can maintain his level of dietary discipline.
- 5 min
Fat Shaming, Lizzo, and Ben's Personality-Free Good Looks
#Tim jokes about his own weight, fat pride culture referencing Lizzo, and argues that Ben doesn't need a personality because he's conventionally good-looking while he and Ray have to perform.
11moments
- Tim describes his current weight as "three something" and discusses whether he's in the high or mid threes.
- Tim says he's been doing weight loss for a week and doesn't care about being called fat, calling himself and everyone else by that descriptor without mincing words.
- Stavros sent him a laugh about a clothing company for "prominent men"—a euphemism for fat.
- Tim references Ally McBeal episode where a fat guy sued a woman for not dating him, and she finally admits his heft is the issue.
- Ben walks around eating meats and cheeses out of bags, which disturbs people in public.
- Ben once ate a raw clove of garlic in a frozen yogurt place, claiming it's good for digestion, while families with children watched in disgust.
- Tim compares the impeachment process to the country taking a shit—a symptom of larger dysfunction.
- Tim applies the cash cow / dog phase business model from Summer Community College to explain America's economic decline and mortgage crisis of 2005.
- Everyone who complained about mortgages was refinancing their homes to get extensions on shitty houses—criminality is almost as bad as what Goldman Sachs did.
- On Long Island, political criminality is rampant, and the country is getting worse with no solution, which is why people like Trump flout the rule of law.
- Tim describes jumping into political criticism as a maniac response to systemic breakdown.
Goldman SachsStavrosAlly McBeal
- 10 min
Sands Point Mansion Tour and Robert Moses/Iraq War Wealth
#Driving through Sands Point, Tim and Ray tour Gatsby-esque mansions, riff on mafia money, Rockefeller/Vanderbilt estates, and joke about wealth built on slavery and war profiteering, including a proposal to randomly seize 10% of rich people's assets.
12moments
- Tim compares Bush's wars and torture to Obama's more covert approach, arguing both are bad but one was more flagrant.
- Automation and demographic shifts, not politics, are the real problems reshaping the country.
- Detroit exists only because of automotive manufacturing; with those jobs gone, there's no reason for the city to remain.
- Red states staying above water as climate change drowns coastal cities would actually make sense given their political interests.
- Tim's traveled the country and found surprising resiliency in certain pockets despite real sacrifice zones once you leave major metros.
- Most property deals in depressed areas aren't actually deals—they're usually motivated by foreclosure, job loss, or someone dying in the house.
- Inexpensive places are inexpensive for a reason: no schools, bad infrastructure, no services.
- Sands Point on Long Island's North Shore has massive estates that inspired The Great Gatsby and host high-end weddings.
- Tim's grandmother died at a hospital after a botched procedure; the cardiologist drove a Bentley and showed no real remorse.
- Ridge Wallet ad: people carry embarrassing junk in old wallets—old business cards, crackers, dried blood—when they should go minimal and mobile.
- Everything is mobile now, so you don't need a crazy wallet with musty stuff taking up space.
- Visit ridgecomm.com/Tim and use code TIM for 10% off your order.
Ridge WalletDetroitGeorge W. BushSt. Francis HospitalAndrew YangChris HedgesBert KreischerThe Great Gatsby
- 3 min
Tim pitches Ridge Wallet, riffing on disgusting things people keep in old wallets and his father's overstuffed cash wallet, before giving the discount code.
6moments
- Tim argues everyone should wear jeans and carry a Ridge wallet in the front pocket, with only a credit card or two and maybe a lawyer's business card.
- Stop carrying loyalty cards and punch cards from closed businesses like the frozen yogurt shops that went out of style years ago.
- A nice wallet is a conversation starter—people wonder what kind it is, and Ridge keeps it mysterious and high-tech.
- Tim's father's wallet revealed his failures: stuffed with a phonebook, random cash that added up to seventeen dollars, making it look fat and stupid.
- A fat wallet now means you're poor and broke; you should have a sleek wallet with maybe one hundred dollar bill rolled up for cocaine.
- Use code tim at ridgewallet.com for 10% off and stop being a loser with everything falling out of your pockets.
- 7 min
Do Rich People Want to Be Friends With You?
#Tim and Ray debate whether wealthy people would ever befriend them, discussing intelligence vs. looks vs. money, and continue riffing on Ben's effortless attractiveness.
10moments
- Tim asks if the guest has ever had a wealthy friend who would introduce them to their parents and let them into their home.
- Rich people don't befriend you for your personality or intelligence—they just kind of look at you like you're a loser.
- Tim explains how the guest used to think maybe Netflix success would make rich people want to befriend him, and Tim told him that made no sense.
- Ben could make friends with wealthy people just because he's good-looking, whereas Tim and the guest would need personality to compensate.
- If Tim was good-looking, things would be better—he's asking if that's just obvious.
- Rich people have to be interesting, and fat people like Lizzo have to be the biggest star in music just for people to tolerate them.
- You have to convince people that fat people are beautiful just to prevent them from literally burning them at the stake.
- Tim says no fat people hate fat people more than fat people hate themselves, and he doesn't have fat friends.
- Nothing is worse in the world than two fat people hanging out together, except maybe a talentless, boring fat person.
- Ben can't pull off the dark, brooding good looks where you can be a dick to everyone—he just has this sleepy, bashful thing instead.
- 8 min
Touring Sands Point Mansions and the Hearst Castle
#The group drives deeper into Sands Point pointing out multi-million dollar estates, the old Hearst Castle grounds, Wendy from Arizona Iced Tea's house, and riffs on rich people's parties and privacy.
10moments
- Entering the village of Sands Point, Tim notes the change in atmosphere from Deer Park.
- Helen Keller attended school in Sands Point, which Tim uses as a reference point for the area's history.
- Indoor tennis courts in these mansions smell like sweat, not luxury, Tim observes.
- If you went into one of these houses, you would be killed, Tim jokes about the danger.
- Sands Point has no commercial establishments or sidewalks—just trees and mansions in a residential maze.
- The Gatsby house shown is Daisy Buchanan's place from the novel.
- Tim grew up here and his friends lived in Sands Point as children.
- Mafia members lived in these waterfront homes, and Tim sees nothing wrong with them making their bones.
- The wealth in Sands Point is intergenerational, with homes worth ten to twenty million dollars.
- A group wearing tie-dye shirts labeled 'team torture' arrives at a house for what appears to be a political event or Biden-related gathering.
The Great GatsbyHelen KellerJoe BidenPlum Island
- 3 min
Seizing the Rich: The 10% Random Wealth Confiscation Plan
#Tim elaborates his satirical policy proposal to randomly seize the assets of 10% of the wealthy via guillotine as a compromise on wealth redistribution.
7moments
- Tim imagines a wildlife preserve where rich people are observed naturally after America collapses.
- His presidential platform: randomly seize assets from 10% of the rich, execute them publicly, let the other 90% keep theirs.
- Tim argues America was built on risk—buying slaves was gambling since they could get sick, and financing wars was equally uncertain.
- Detailed fantasy of installing a guillotine on the Washington Monument to execute selected wealthy families for all to see.
- Tim launches into a disorienting tour of Gatsby houses, East Egg and West Egg, getting deliberately lost while planning executions.
- Story about a guy pointing at the Empire State Building while being robbed, distracted him so thoroughly the mugger got lost.
- The Hearst Castle used to be where William Randolph Hearst controlled all the major presses and owned printing press monopoly.
The Great GatsbyHearst CastleNew York CityEmpire State BuildingCitizen Kane
- 4 min
Gatsby Houses, the Hamptons, and Jumbo Mortgages
#More house-touring commentary comparing Sands Point to the Hamptons, discussing how people financed these homes with jumbo mortgages before the crash.
7moments
- This Tudor brick mansion is Class C, but the view is just a shadow of the New York City skyline — Tim claims he has a better view from his roof.
- The Great Gatsby cover house moment, interrupted by joking about killing someone.
- North Shore beaches are rocky with tepid fresh water from Long Island Sound — not the appeal people imagine.
- A nearby property goes for $12 million, but Tim notes the wealthy people there probably have much more than that.
- Buyers were coming in with jacked-up mortgages and jumbo loans, with limits over $629,000 that required more documentation and reserves.
- The Hamptons make these North Shore properties look like nothing — houses there are so massive you'd think they were hotels.
- Tim used to smoke pot and drive around here because nobody's ever around, though there is a private police force that's not always visible.
Long Island SoundThe HamptonsThe Great GatsbyArizona iced tea
- 6 min
Lost Looking for Sands Point Road and Cell Service Dead Zones
#The group gets lost trying to find Sands Point/Sands Light Road, joking about the wealthy having no cell towers and reminiscing about growing up with 'boomer parents who fed us poison.'
10moments
- Tim notes that cell service dies on the North Shore when you drive into wealthy areas.
- Rich people won't install cell towers in their neighborhoods because they want outsiders to get lost and leave.
- They're trying to find Sands Point Road to see celebrity homes.
- Tim says he's glad they grew up with boomer parents who fed them poison, then clarifies he was being facetious.
- Ray refuses cider at the mill because he's doing keto, then Tim mocks his commitment to the diet.
- Tim accuses Ray of being a bad influence because Ray wanted to go to Taco Bell every night instead of staying committed to running.
- They can't locate Sands Point Road on GPS and debate whether it's actually nearby or half an hour away.
- Tim claims he understands the wealthy and they understand him, which is why he can navigate their neighborhoods.
- Realtors use reverse psychology on people to sell them big mansions they don't need.
- Tim spots a house with an extremely steep driveway and becomes obsessed with it as a sign of real wealth.
John McEnroe
- 5 min
Peering Into a Rich Estate and Comparing to a Dairy Barn Family
#The crew tries to peek at a hidden mansion through hedges, encounters a tutor at the gate, and Tim tells a story about a dairy barn family and a worker who got shot in the face during a robbery.
11moments
- Tim points out the real money is in these estates hidden from the street.
- Tim criticizes Ray for having the car window rolled down while working, saying his comfort isn't paramount.
- Tim describes the wicker fence as looking like a booger basket shaped like stalks of wheat.
- There's something about living by the water that makes it a beautiful way to live.
- Rich people enjoy natural disasters because they can afford recovery when their house gets destroyed.
- Tim wonders what kind of expensive berries might be growing on the estate's trees.
- Tim says he'd drive into their driveway just to see what happens if he had a license.
- Tim argues people wouldn't pull him over because they know who he is from his TV appearances.
- Ray suggests the estate doesn't seem worth all the war crimes that presumably funded it.
- Tim makes a joke about killing someone and getting a mansion compared to running from cops in a minivan.
- The segment ends with Ray noting a stop sign and Jesus Christ in exasperation.
- 3 min
Would You Kill Someone for a Mansion? The Iraq War Math
#Tim muses that starting a war for wealth doesn't add up compared to just robbing a bank, given the scale of deaths versus the modest luxury gained.
6moments
- Tim argues that starting a fake war yields more benefit than a waterfront house, given the millions of Cambodian deaths under Pol Pot.
- Even war criminals with multiple properties don't fully appreciate their homes' beautiful exposed-beam kitchens and cathedral ceilings.
- Rich people roll up windows in their Escalades and don't look outside until reaching their Midtown offices, disconnected from the surrounding area.
- Tim reflects on a dairy barn worker and his family, all laboring in the same terrible job across generations with pride—the saddest situation he knows.
- The dairy barn worker got shot in the face during a robbery, making Tim question why someone would kill him over $300.
- Tim imagines the robber's logic: a Long Island wiseass asking what the worker will buy with $300, implying he deserved to die for it.
- 6 min
Hooking Up With a 53-Year-Old Woman and Her Missing Shoe
#Tim tells an extended, detailed story about a drunken hookup with an older woman he met at a bar, including a lost shoe search and dancing to Van Morrison.
9moments
- Tim hooked up with a 53-year-old woman who was drunk at a bar, describes her physical appearance and matted curly hair.
- Woman lost one of her shoes inside the bar and couldn't find it; Tim and staff looked through the garbage for it.
- They went to another bar where she bought all the drinks while missing a shoe in the summer.
- At Tim's place, the woman complained immediately that it smelled like cat piss, said he should change the litter box more often.
- She seemed surprised his house was actually nice and well-kept, not a rundown shitty place like she apparently expected.
- They danced to Van Morrison—Tim thinks it was 'Brown Eyed Girl'—before getting into bed.
- Tim remembers not being able to perform beyond getting erect due to whiskey; they just slept instead.
- She woke him up yelling that he had to go, rushing him out the door like a scene from a movie.
- Tim speculates that if he'd given her better sex, she might have been less angry about his snoring.
Van MorrisonGrumpy Old Men
- 1 min
The 53-Year-Old Woman Wakes Him Up on 9/11
#Tim reveals the punchline that the hookup ended with her waking him up because the September 11th attacks were happening.
4moments
- Tim went to a bar where a 53-year-old woman who was a regular was dancing barefoot to Miley Cyrus
- He was holding her waist while she taught him how to play pool
- She woke him up on 9/11 morning yelling that the country was at war and there were planes hitting buildings
- Tim describes her as a sweet lady and mentions drinking apple cider with her
- 7 min
9/11 Museum Mall and Doubts About the Official Story
#Tim describes the 9/11 memorial as tacky and commercialized like a mall, then discusses growing skepticism about JFK, 9/11, and the Iraq War narratives, tying it to Epstein-era distrust.
7moments
- Tim visited the 9/11 mall at the Freedom Tower and describes it as a legitimately built mall made from repurposed parts of the buildings.
- The 9/11 mall is the kind of absurd premise you'd make as a joke and get told not to be inappropriate—but it's actually real.
- It's one of the most affluent malls Tim has ever seen, exclusively high-end stores like Mont Blanc pens and luxury brands.
- Most people in Tim's generation and younger now think 9/11 was shady after seeing the Epstein case and other government lies.
- By 2002 or 2004, watching the Iraq War unfold made it clear the government was dishonest, and people started questioning the official 9/11 story.
- Tim argues that seeing the Iraq War and how it was sold makes it reasonable to doubt the government's version of 9/11.
- The massive leaps made to convince people Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 strain any reasonable person's credulity.
Iraq WarJeffrey Epstein9/11 Memorial & MuseumSaddam HusseinFreedom TowerThe StandJFK assassination
- 5 min
Nassau vs. Suffolk County Rivalry Driving to the Cider Mill
#Driving on the Northern State Parkway, Tim and Ray argue about Nassau vs. Suffolk County identity and charm while heading toward a cider mill.
9moments
- Tim asks for directions to the Northern State Parkway while trying to get to the cider mill.
- Ben's never been to a cider mill, prompting Tim to want him to experience fall the way Long Islanders do.
- Tim realizes they need to take the expressway, joking about GPS lanes that go straight to hell.
- Traffic is backed up with everyone heading out to see their mothers on Sunday; Tim's mom is making meatballs.
- The HOV lane offer comes with Tim apologizing for being a dick, then defending himself as a winner.
- Long Island tip: if you're drunk, you can risk the HOV lane—Tim admits he has a DWI and would take that chance.
- Tim theorizes Canada is retaliating against US restrictions by messing with them the same way.
- Ben's excited to go to the cider mill for the first time, though Tim notes Ben can't eat ramen there.
- Tim calls the cider mill a place for all the fat sickles, wondering if Nassau or Suffolk people will show up.
- 4 min
Grandfather's Mansion and the Meaning of Keto as a State of Mind
#Tim reminisces about his grandfather's house with a pool and tennis court, then argues absurdly that keto is a spiritual mindset rather than actual dietary restriction.
9moments
- Tim on Suffolk as a place where fat people stay trapped until they reach the Hamptons.
- Nassau County had a better anthem than Suffolk's failed 'state of mind' attempt.
- Tim asks for nasal spray directions while concerned about his voice health.
- The expressway lacks charm compared to the Northern State Parkway, despite the latter being built in racism.
- Tim attended Hofstra for a year and failed Japanese because he liked anime and thought Japan seemed cool.
- Grandfather's mansion in the area had a pool, tennis court, eight bathrooms, and two and a half acres.
- Planning to skip the cider mill treats and eat Buffalo shrimp and steak at Jeremy's instead.
- Keto is a state of mind—you can eat bread, ice cream, and sugar while still being keto if you believe in yourself.
- Tim could be six hundred and two pounds and just decide to go keto.
- 4 min
Kido Kome: The Fake EDM Rap Alter Ego
#Tim goofs around doing a fake rapper voice called 'Kido Kome' about not eating carbs, then discusses his supposed EDM DJ career and plans to visit the cider mill and Jeremy's for lobster.
6moments
- Kido Kome explains he programs beats and has a SoundCloud where people can check out his music.
- Tim's keto rule: if you say 'I'm keto' before eating bread, it doesn't count.
- Guest asks if Tim's California friends will accept him if he stays fat while talking about keto.
- Someone threatened to kill Tim over his running his mouth about keto and the Kido character.
- Tim defends himself as a comedian here to entertain, not just lose weight.
- Tim and guest pull over to get keto snacks.