rant · moment 12 of 16
Howie the Mortgage Office Lunatic and His Modular Home Deals
from #168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show · #168
16 min
A long story about Howie, a small, delusional, cocaine-dealing mortgage salesman at Tim's old company Franklin First who lived detached from facts, screamed at secretaries over modular vs. double-wide homes, hired and then financially ruined a delivery guy named Eddie, and became a legendary source of chaos and comedy at the office, including the deaths of two coworkers from overdoses.
- Tim describes a glimpse of insanity from his mortgage office days: a small, loud man named Howie who talked with his hands and fit the profile of a boiler room or Big Short character.
- Howie drove a BMW truck and lived in a condo on Long Island but made no money selling mortgages; he made his money selling cocaine that was so bad people would question whether it was actually cocaine.
- Despite closing zero loans and making no money at the office, Howie walked around like he was CEO, claiming the company sucked rather than admitting he was a terrible salesman.
- Howie would call prospects and make provably false claims, like saying he was standing in the stock exchange overlooking the floor, to people in the middle of the country with modular homes.
- Howie loses his mind when trying to close a deal on a modular home, screaming at the secretary Kelly that it's a double-wide, then calls the woman back and claims it must be a double-wide when she says she doesn't have the certified modular paperwork.
- At Howie's house, he tells Tim he wants to move to Santo Domingo because they treat you like a real person, a statement Tim finds completely nonsensical and hilarious.
- At a closing, when asked why the APR is higher than the contract rate, Howie tells the client that's the average person rate and they're better than average, so they got a lower one.
- Mike, the older office manager who drives a Honda Civic, tries to address Howie's behavior, but Howie disrespects him for not having money, calling him a vagrant telling him how to conduct himself in the boardroom.
- Howie hires Eddie, a Spanish-speaking food delivery guy, to call Spanish leads, claiming his problem is language barriers rather than being incomprehensible on the phone.
- Three days after Howie hires Eddie, Eddie is crying in the office because Howie never paid him, and Mike confronts Howie about getting the guy to quit his delivery job with no income.
- Two people died of overdoses while Tim worked at the office, including a friend of his who died from drugs sold by someone working in the company, forcing that person to leave.
HowardBen FranklinLong IslandmortgagesSanta Domingo