Episode 155 · The Porch Era
155 - Death By Chocolate
Jul 7, 2019 · 1:22:56 · 289,000 views · 23 segments, 148 moments indexed
Live from the porch in Los Angeles! Tim talks the milkshake wars, his return to Swingers diner, Billie Eilish, and Louie's appearance at Skankfest.
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- 1 min
Opening music and applause before any talk begins.
1moment
- Tim Dillon Show cold open begins
- 1 min
Are We Doing Video Again?
#Tim welcomes listeners back with Devon Casta, addressing complaints about missing video episodes and joking about people needing to be 'visual learners' like undiagnosed kids from his youth.
3moments
- Tim opens the episode announcing they're back doing video after a hiatus, noting that people got angry about the episodes without it.
- He compares angry listeners complaining about no video to himself getting angry at free Trader Joe's samples for not being exactly what he wants.
- Tim acknowledges why video matters: people put the show on their TV at home, so he's essentially yelling in their living room.
Trader Joe'sDevin Castas
- 4 min
Milkshakes, Antifa, and the Journalist Beating
#Tim riffs on Gary Busey-level absurdity of current events, the milkshaking of a gay Asian journalist by antifa, and argues the attackers don't actually believe their targets are Nazis, comparing it to blaming a rape victim.
7moments
- Tim imagines someone three years ago predicting Gary Busey as President and street attacks with milkshakes instead of actual weapons.
- The debate over whether antifa milkshakes contain cement reveals how absurd the moment has become.
- Antifascists throwing brownies at Nazis signals disbelief in their own ideology—if they truly thought someone was Hitler, they wouldn't use milkshakes.
- No one genuinely believes a gay Asian journalist who wrote unpopular articles is actually a Nazi.
- These activists fancy themselves movie characters but misunderstand the narrative—not everyone is the villain, just like not every creature in Narnia was the White Witch.
- Tim notes people defending the attack tweet their grievances about the victim's politics before adding they abhor violence.
- The contradiction: victim-blamers list their problems with someone bleeding on the ground, then claim to oppose violence in a follow-up tweet.
Donald TrumpGary BuseyNick Mullen
- 6 min
FBI Infiltrators, Ice, and the Case for Better Targets
#He argues violent activists are fetishizing controlled chaos rather than fighting real targets like ICE, floats the theory that FBI COINTELPRO-style agents stir up movements to discredit them, and mocks milkshake-throwers for not doing real charity work instead.
8moments
- Tasha Kuan is a gay Asian writer for Kula who wrote things Tim doesn't agree with, but Tim defends his right to be wrong.
- The accusation that Kuan gave a list of journalists to a neo-Nazi group is serious, but Tim says he hasn't looked into it and doesn't want details.
- Tim opposes street violence against people you disagree with, regardless of whether it's justified by your side.
- The escalation from milkshake attacks to actual violence isn't funny like Syria's chemical weapons attacks aren't funny—there's no irony in real kids dying.
- FBI agents have infiltrated every serious anti-government movement in the last 50 years, from COINTELPRO to the Black Panthers, stirring the pot and fomenting chaos.
- If protesters actually cared about detained kids, they'd give milkshakes to the children in cages instead of wasting them on journalists they dislike.
- Some protesters fetishize violence because they have meaningless lives and this controlled street conflict makes them feel part of a revolutionary struggle.
- These people think they're revolutionaries taking an Uber to the revolution, but nobody actually cares about their civil war fantasy.
FBITashaBlack PanthersSyriaAdam WaffenVenezuela
- 3 min
Otto Warmbier, Kim Jong-un, and Trump's Family in Power
#Tim contrasts online outrage over the milkshake bucket warning label with people ignoring Trump's cozy relationship with Kim Jong-un (Otto Warmbier's torturer), and rips into Ivanka and Jared Kushner's roles in government.
7moments
- Twitter users argue over what's actually in a milkshake video, debating bucket warnings and cement.
- Tim says activist Twitter people could actually help homeless people if they wanted to, but they'd rather perform activism online.
- Trump getting along well with Kim Jong-un concerns Tim, even though his supporters think it's great.
- Kim Jong-un tortured Otto Warmbier, who was detained for stealing a flag as a joke in North Korea.
- Twitter users dismissed Warmbier's torture as white male privilege rather than defending his humanity.
- Those same Twitter users suddenly care about Otto Warmbier now that Trump is friendly with his torturer.
- Tim worries Trump has authoritarian impulses, kleptocratic behavior, and installed his family in government positions like a dictator would.
Donald TrumpOtto WarmbierKim Jong UnIvanka TrumpJared KushnerAngela MerkelTheresa May
- 4 min
Sliding Into Fascism and Dating a Muslim Woman
#He warns the country could easily embrace real fascism and the 'boot,' discusses child detention camps and putting migrants in empty hotels, then goes on a tangent about dating a Muslim woman with a very white name.
9moments
- Tim argues the country could slide easily into real fascism if people accept authoritarianism as the price of security.
- Trump appeals to people wanting safety from immigrants and criminals, and many wouldn't care if detention camps replaced proper processing.
- Abandoned hotels in St. Louis could house migrants instead of concentration camps, but the government doesn't consider practical alternatives.
- Tim thought Trump could never win when he first emerged, which he attributes to being an LA elitist.
- Tim is dating a Muslim woman with an absurdly Anglo name like Doris, which he finds bewilderingly out of place.
- Tim could see himself and his partner sliding into fascism, and what scares him is how many people genuinely wouldn't care.
- Trump's actual base consists of people streaming from their basements talking about flat earth and moon spaceships, not serious political thinkers.
- Beating up Trump supporters doesn't work because they're like a nine-year-old taking over the house while parents stand helpless.
- Random acts of violence against Trump supporters backfire and make him seem like a savior.
- 6 min
The Trump Documentary and Reality TV's Fake News Origins
#Tim discusses a Netflix Trump documentary tracing his rise through 70s-90s New York and The Apprentice, argues reality TV and social media are the two forces that reshaped culture, and pivots into defending his Gavin McInnes interview and Trump's empty healthcare promises.
12moments
- Television became the original fake news—people knew reality TV was manufactured but emotionally invested in it anyway.
- Real Housewives shows are essentially scripted with predetermined outcomes, yet audiences still watch and accept them as entertainment.
- Reality TV and social media are the two biggest cultural forces of his lifetime, changing how people act and process information.
- Trump combines both reality TV and media into an unbeatable force because he doesn't play fair and can't be beaten on his own turf.
- Tim hosted Gavin McInnes and received complaints from friends angry about the interview, plus a racist in a white hood messaging criticism.
- In interviews, his job isn't to express his opinion but to let guests share theirs, unlike his daily show where he does that every day.
- When you let someone talk without interruption, they can either advance their cause or hang themselves, whereas constant fighting puts them on defense.
- Conspiracies work because it's easier to poke holes in a story than to present an alternative explanation.
- Trump would dodge questions about healthcare by saying he'd create the best system, and even his supporters eventually realized he had no actual plan.
- After three years in office, not one brick of the wall was built, more immigrants came over the border than ever, and the tax bill only benefited the Walmart Walton family.
- Republicans pretended to care about Black unemployment during the race but don't actually care about Black people doing well.
- The immigration argument rings hollow—they claim too many immigrants come while Black unemployment is up, but clearly don't care about either issue.
Donald Trumpsocial mediatelevisionWalmartReal Housewivesreality TVGavin
- 1 min
Trump, the Central Park Five, and Faux Black Outreach
#He argues Republicans' sudden concern for Black unemployment is rich given history, and that Trump's Central Park Five stance and casino-era racism make claims he isn't racist absurd.
3moments
- Republicans blocking Black justice for decades with dogs and fire hoses, now citing Black unemployment as outreach.
- Tim questions what argument could possibly defend Trump from racism given his documented statements about not wanting Black people on casino floors or in his apartments.
- Trump wanted the Central Park Five executed, and Tim says he'd still hold that position even knowing they were innocent.
- 5 min
A sponsored Wix read that spirals into a nihilistic riff about talent being irrelevant in a world of Lil Nas X, the Kardashians, and Trump as president, urging listeners to build a website anyway.
10moments
- Tim argues that having a website matters regardless of talent or product quality, since society no longer operates on merit.
- Little Nas X posted a goofy song on TikTok and became a millionaire—proof that quality is irrelevant to success now.
- Trying to be good at something is stupid and makes you stupid; instead be loud, brash, corrupt, and demonic—but have a website.
- Tim built his own site TimDylonGoingToHellDotCom using Wix with 500 templates and drag-and-drop customization.
- Talent is now irrelevant; hard work and objective truth have been rendered meaningless in this cycle.
- A game show host is president, the Kardashians are America's most recognizable family, and Billie Eilish is counted among the greatest artists.
- Don't think about anything else—abandon friends, family, and principles, just get a website from Wix at ten percent off.
- Bad is good now; make a worthless song and become a millionaire, tell an unfunny joke and get 15 specials.
- This is the time of the huckster, con artist, snake oil salesman, cult leader, liar, cheat, and thief.
- Go to Wix, build a website, meet the devil on that journey, and realize he's the only one who loves you.
- 2 min
St. Louis Trip and the Third-Best Rib Place
#Tim recaps his weekend in St. Louis, joking about Midwesterners' political apathy and roasting someone who criticized his choice of Poppy's Smokehouse over a supposedly better rib joint in a rough neighborhood.
5moments
- Midwest people don't have strong political opinions, they're just exhausted and waiting for Jesus to come get them.
- St. Louis as a city is a little underwhelming.
- Tim ate ribs at Poppy's smokehouse and faced criticism for not going to the supposedly better rib place.
- Poppy's back half is boarded up while people give birth on the street in East St. Louis, but nobody should care which rib place he chose.
- A woman came to the Thursday show claiming to be a big fan and Ray Com Seven Patreon subscriber.
St LouisEast St. LouisPoppy's Smokehouse
- 6 min
Dessert with a Superfan's Boyfriend and 'Tell Her How the Clintons...'
#A fan couple paid Tim to crash their dinner, and the boyfriend immediately demanded he tell his girlfriend about Clinton child-trafficking conspiracies at the table.
9moments
- Tim shows up to a restaurant to surprise a fan's boyfriend for his birthday, bringing dessert along.
- The boyfriend immediately asks Tim to tell his girlfriend about the Clintons and human trafficking, completely earnest and not joking.
- During a tour of St. Louis, Tim's driver shows him the stark contrast between the rich country club areas and the post-apocalyptic sacrifice zones across the divide.
- Tim's Uber driver from Ferguson dismisses the entire Ferguson incident as something that never happened.
- Tim discusses Liz Oh's performance at the Beatty Music Awards, praising her as incredible while questioning who Billie Eilish is.
- Billie Eilish presents as an MKULTRA victim in her videos, constantly bleeding and appearing in ritualistic imagery.
- Tim describes Billie Eilish as having the energy of someone Harvey Weinstein kept caged and abused, yet everyone treats her as great.
- Liz Oh performs as a big, talented Black woman who actually sings and plays instruments, while Billie Eilish just shows up with shock value.
- Billie Eilish arrived on the scene like she escaped from a shed covered in blood, with no years of training like Liz Oh.
Billie EilishLizzoChris HedgesHarvey Weinsteinhuman traffickingThe ClintonsFergusonKaty Perry+1 more
- 1 min
St. Louis Class Divide and Ferguson
#Tim describes the stark wealth divide in St. Louis, driving from country clubs to a 'sacrifice zone,' and an awkward Uber ride near Ferguson where the driver denied the unrest ever happened.
2moments
- Tim says he doesn't want to sound uncool but doesn't understand what's clearly wrong with someone on The View
- He doubts Billy will even make it to Amy Winehouse's fate, noting something serious is going on
- 3 min
Billy Eilish, Lizzo, and MKUltra Pop Stars
#Tim praises Lizzo's VMA performance then dives into a bizarre riff about Billy Eilish's imagery looking like trauma/MKUltra content, contrasting her overnight fame with Lizzo's years of work, and riffing on Lil Xan as a harmless burnout by comparison.
8moments
- Tim describes Billie Eilish as looking like little Xan but female, getting a wholesome vibe from the rapper.
- Little Xan just wants pharmaceuticals, Cheetos, and a soft chair to sink into and make noises.
- Tim doesn't get a dark vibe from Billie Eilish, attributing any darkness to kids these days being on drugs.
- Children should lead the way even if they're being exploited by the music industry, Tim argues sarcastically.
- Being 27 or older and questioning the young generation makes you sound like an old-timer.
- Tim just graduated high school and went to prom with Billie Eilish where they pulled a baby out of a woman's womb as a prank.
- The head of Capitol Records was there and made them take the baby, then hid it while discussing darkness and animating all things.
- At prom they listened to Ghost and Cardi B, and Drake was there alongside Johnny Gosch.
Billie Eilishlittle Xan
- 1 min
Fake Prom Story with Billy Eilish
#A short absurdist fantasy bit about attending prom with Billy Eilish and a Capitol Records executive hiding a baby.
- 6 min
Louis C.K. at Skankfest and the 'Rape' Bit
#Tim addresses backlash over his comments on Louis C.K.'s surprise Skankfest set, building an absurdist extended riff about Louis 'raping' the crowd instead of doing comedy, then pivoting to defend his original point that undertalented, angry comedians resent successful ones.
10moments
- Louis C.K. showed up at Skankfest and the bit involved him lunging at a woman in the front row while the crowd laughed and cheered.
- The actual story circulating is false: Louis didn't do 15 to 20 minutes of material—he did no comedy whatsoever during the incident.
- Tim was at Mohegan Sun watching the Skankfest intro and calls it the coolest moment of the past year because one of the greatest comics alive performed at a completely DIY underground fest.
- Everyone at the venue—audience, staff, women—were happy and applauding, though the staff later reversed their position because they're liars.
- Tim tweeted about it positively and people got mad, but he dismisses their criticism by arguing they're very bad at making people laugh.
- The critics attacking him are horrible and not good at comedy; their rage comes from the fact that they've never gotten anyone to laugh.
- Failed comics are enraged that people show up to watch other performers because nobody got into comedy for money—they desperately want to be told how great they are.
- Good comedy doesn't come from being right all the time; these people are threatened by natural talent and unnatural talent alike.
- Brooklyn comedians putting on shows with costumes should be much better than they are, worse even than family dessert-time performances.
- Tim names Patti Harrison as a very funny trans comedian he doesn't know and doesn't hang out with, but would probably disagree with on some points.
Louis C.K.Patti Harrison
- 4 min
Selling Out in LA and Young Comics Chasing Fame
#Tim mocks the idea that he's 'selling out' by being in LA, riffs graphically about corporate co-optation, and needles young comedians who move to NY/LA dreaming of fame while ignoring local Taco Bells and custard stands.
5moments
- Tim on comics who've heard 'yes' all the time and can't handle rejection, versus the traditional comedy business of constant 'no's.
- Young comedians wanting to be mediocre as their own contributions, throwing milkshakes thinking it'll spark revolution.
- Tim's in LA with his ass open waiting for a multinational corporation to mount him and use him for an army to murder families.
- Contrast: Tim selling out versus someone putting wigs on in a garage ranting—the latter is actually the future.
- Young comedians on the road all say they'll move to New York or LA to get good, but Tim just asks where the Taco Bell is.
- 7 min
A sponsor read for Prime Male/delay spray spirals through riffs on people being 'good at things,' a bestiality tangent, and a long dark fantasy about a deadbeat husband trapping his wife with a hard dick thanks to delay spray.
8moments
- Tim opens with a riff about people being good at different things, steering toward those naturally gifted at sex.
- Bestiality tangent: Tim insists he doesn't support it, but argues some animals don't care and might even enjoy it.
- Tim pivots the bestiality concern into a pitch for Premature male delay spray—you wouldn't want a soft dick if you were doing this.
- Statistical joke: men take 5.5 minutes to climax versus 18 for women, then asks how long a Shiba Inu takes.
- Tim describes Premature as a doctor-developed spray designed to bridge the orgasm gap and claims the Gas Digital crew all tested it.
- Long rant: Tim details the kind of mediocre, unfaithful, creepy man who uses delay spray to trap a woman into marriage despite having nothing to offer.
- Tim describes a wife wishing her husband would die at Disney World during a meltdown, seeing it as the only escape from her trapped life.
- The punchline: the wife got trapped because the delay spray made him seem like a good man, and now she's stuck with him forever.
- 3 min
St. Louis Recommendations and Cactus Jack Daniels
#Tim thanks a St. Louis fan for restaurant recommendations, then follows up on a listener's story about a deceased acquaintance nicknamed Cactus Jack and the oddly named Jim Ned High School.
5moments
- Tim describes the show's move to independence with a Patreon while keeping ads for niche products like suicide prevention and CBD wicks.
- Shoutout to a St. Louis fan who took Tim to Olio restaurant and Hex, a French restaurant in Naco Park.
- A schoolmate named Cactus Jack Daniels messaged Tim on Instagram—the guy died from an aneurysm.
- Tim attended Jim Ned High School in Tuscola, Texas, named after a Native American who sold out his tribe to white settlers.
- Tim jokes about the Family Research Council naming a Christian high school after him for informing on people who didn't message him back on Grindr.
St LouisFamily Research CouncilJim Ned High SchoolOlioNeco ParkTuscola Texas
- 6 min
The Appetizer Sequencing Crisis
#An extended rant about a waitress who brought his quesadilla and turkey sandwich at the same time, framed as a moral obligation to correct service industry workers 'out of love,' escalating into fantasies about revenge on the restaurant.
10moments
- Tim claims people will be angry but it's a fact that something's wrong with service industry workers.
- He distinguishes himself by seeing service workers as people and therefore expecting them to be their best.
- Tim recounts confronting a waitress who forgot his honey mustard 14 minutes earlier to give her a stern pep talk.
- Catching flies with acid instead of honey—Tim doesn't want to catch the flies, he wants them to know there's a problem.
- Servers might disagree, but Tim insists he's here to love them, and that yelling means you care.
- Appetizer has a specific meaning: a small dish before the main course, and the operative word is 'before.'
- Going out to eat alone, you don't want two plates on the table at once so you don't look like a fat pig.
- Tim tells restaurants to control the kitchen and not fire up the entree until he's eating the appetizer.
- Even an old girl swinger with full sleeve tattoos whom he tipped didn't get yelled at, but he's stuck eating curbside.
- Asking what Jesus Christ would do if a restaurant refused to seat him in the big booth when it's reserved but empty.
appetizersservice industry
- 6 min
What If I Was Jesus Christ in This Restaurant?
#Tim imagines Christ demanding the reserved booth at the West Hollywood diner, mocks the clientele as coked-out poseurs, and details getting three plates dumped on him at once while banned from eating inside.
9moments
- Tim orders a quesadilla and open-faced turkey sandwich that arrive simultaneously, forcing him to double-fist guacamole and gravy on the sidewalk at 9:30 AM.
- Everyone in LA is cool but only for respect; Tim just wants the kids' respect, and the food at this restaurant is inexplicably bad.
- The restaurant is full of old West Hollywood types—freckled guys whose brains have melted from 1994, sitting with their dumb dogs and tourists who think it's famous.
- Tim asks the waitress to bring the quesadilla first, but she ignores him and delivers both plates plus a basket of fries, making him look like a pig at the feast.
- When Tim complains about the order sequence, the waitress asks "what do you mean oh?"—as if an appetizer isn't supposed to come before the main course.
- Tim sacrifices by saying it's fine, then sits outside alone eating a Thanksgiving dinner of quesadilla, guacamole, gravy, and french fries.
- Tim doesn't know if he's banned from the restaurant, but he knows he's not welcome there.
- Tim considers calling the health department, ordering food for pickup and never collecting it once a day for the rest of his life using burner cards and phones.
- Tim wonders if he should have them cater a white pride event, or organize a neo-Nazi cell and have them unknowingly do the catering without knowing what it is.
Hollywood dinerWest Hollywood
- 4 min
The Waitress's Tragic Future (Heroin Fantasy)
#Tim spins a dark, extended fictional narrative imagining the waitress's future spiral into addiction and death, framing his $8 tip as silent pity rather than honesty.
7moments
- Tim describes his strategy for infiltrating extremist groups: have them disavow, then eat vegan banana pancakes while saying 'Heil Hitler.'
- Tim tipped the waitress eight dollars on a thirty-five dollar bill because he felt bad for her, recognizing she's working hard but doing a horrible job.
- The waitress is living in LA under the impression that someone will eventually give a shit about her band, get her on a reality show, or book her for ten grand a night in Atlantic City.
- Tim lays out what will probably actually happen to the waitress: she'll age, the tattoos will make less sense as she gets into heroin, eventually shooting it because it's more cost-effective.
- The waitress will squat in friends' houses until they get arrested, lose her diner job, sleep in an abandoned car, and sell her body on the street.
- Tim imagines the waitress's final moment: businessmen dump loads in her after shooting her up, she feels the heroin running through her veins and wonders what Wednesday night she'll meet God.
- The waitress will eventually know that years ago a fat guy saw all of this happening but chose to give her eight dollars instead of telling her the truth.
- 3 min
Tim lists upcoming tour stops (Salt Lake City, Cleveland, San Diego, Nashville, Alabama, Charlotte), plugs the website for tickets, and talks about upcoming Patreon, live streaming, and going independent.
8moments
- Tim announces tour dates at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, Hilarities in Cleveland, American Comedy Co in San Diego, and venues in Nashville, Hoover, Huntsville, and Charlotte.
- Tickets available on Tim Dillon Comedy dot com, with more dates in Chicago, Atlanta, and Texas being lined up for the fall.
- Tim will be at the Comedy Store and The Improv this week, and has Kill Tony tomorrow.
- The podcast is growing; Tim asks fans to subscribe on Apple Podcasts and share with friends.
- The show is going independent soon, though Tim will keep doing Against Digital shows when in New York.
- Plans include possible YouTube live streaming and exploring a weekly morning coffee show format.
- Tim emphasizes that word-of-mouth promotion is the most important thing, whether or not listeners can support Patreon.
- Devin Casta's YouTube channel is at youtube.com slash Devin Casta dvan.
- 1 min
Tim closes the show by plugging Devin Casta's YouTube channel and podcast, ending on a joke about the show's diverse producers.
2moments
- Tim and Devin Casta have a podcast called 'You Love It' available on iTunes
- Tim mentions their producer Ben is trans and identifies that as the reason he hired him