Episode 128 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
My Last Christmas
Dec 29, 2018 · 1:01:13 · 16 segments, 107 moments indexed
- 1 min
Show open with title announcement.
1moment
- 0:00Opening intro for Tim Dillon Is Going To Hell
- 1 min
New Year Confusion and Ray Kump's Absence
#Tim jokes about mixing up the year and explains that his co-host Ray Kump is out sick with infections and a hacking cough, riffing on Ray's supposed health kick and paranoid five-mile runs.
2moments
- 0:14Announcing the final episode of 2019
- 0:32Tim realizes he's gotten the year wrong and checks with his producer
- 3 min
The Horror of Christmas Week and Waking Up at the Party House
#Tim describes the dead week between Christmas and New Year's as a nightmare for adults, comparing it to waking up hungover at the party house the morning after, seeing the filth and the family who let it happen.
5moments
- 0:57Ray Cump is MIA, but will return in the new year after dealing with infections, respiratory issues, and leg problems affecting two quadrants of his body.
- 1:25Ray now has a hacking, whooping cough that disturbs everyone around him in public establishments.
- 2:03Tim notes everyone is trying to embrace self-improvement in the new year, citing Joe Rogan running canyons with his golden retriever.
- 2:32Christmas week as a kid was the best week of the year—playing with new toys while friends were also off from school.
- 2:57As an adult, Christmas week is harrowing and horrible, like a week-long hangover where time and days lose all meaning.
- 3 min
Final Christmas with the Family and Boomer Grievances
#Tim reflects on this being his last year doing holidays with family as he climbs toward success, then rants about baby boomers phoning in the holidays, blaming them for ruining tradition and mortgaging the country's future.
7moments
- 3:24Tim describes waking up at a party house the morning after—a sign of deeper problems ahead.
- 3:53The house the day after a party: dank, smelly, filled with ashtrays and booze stains, trashed real estate.
- 4:21Tim reflects on families who host these parties as good people, letting strangers do drugs, drink, and devalue their property.
- 5:00The week between Christmas and New Year's feels like seeing those party families in daylight—vampires exposed by sunlight, a reality you shouldn't witness.
- 5:52This is Tim's final year spending the holidays with his family, as success requires constantly climbing and there's nowhere left to go in that structure.
- 6:18Next year he'll spend the holidays on an island, with friends, or away—anything but repeating the family ritual.
- 6:40Tim's closing argument: the phoning in of the holidays across the board has got to stop.
- 5 min
Supermarket Catering and the Potluck Dessert Disaster
#Tim rants about families now buying catered food from supermarkets instead of cooking, dissects the indignity of potluck desserts, and delivers an extended riff on the dessert called "dirt" made with pudding, cookies, and gummy worms.
6moments
- 7:17Baby boomers are a selfish generation that sucked everything out of the country and gave it nothing.
- 8:51People go to supermarkets to cater holiday meals instead of cooking or hiring actual caterers.
- 9:32Tim rejects the potluck dessert concept where hosts demand guests bring dessert instead of taking responsibility themselves.
- 10:24Jell-O no-bake desserts were designed to let fat people avoid ovens and just stir, refrigerate, and eat.
- 10:51Adults brought a dessert called dirt to gatherings—whipped cream, pudding, cream cheese glop topped with crushed cookies and gummy worms.
- 11:39If you host a party, you do the dessert yourself and don't trust guests to bring quality food on the cheap.
BoomersJell-O
- 6 min
Peach Melba, Building 7, and Why Teachers Talk About Becoming Teachers
#Tim contrasts his grandmother's single perfect dessert tradition with today's phoned-in food, jokes about goading his liberal stepmother with 9/11 references over Snuggies, and rants about people explaining their decision to become teachers.
10moments
- 12:17Tim recalls his childhood New Year's Day party serving only peach melba for dessert, contrasting it with modern attempts to please everyone by offering multiple options.
- 12:54Cooking used to be a mark of pride, with family members spending days preparing food everyone looked forward to all year.
- 13:07Tim complains about supermarket macaroni and cheese bought from someone stirring it in an oxycontin frenzy in Long Island.
- 13:40He defends his loud delivery at Kill Tony, explaining he's playing to a room of 300 people and gets worked up about real issues.
- 14:27Tim argues that formality and dignity matter at holidays—people should use real plates and utensils instead of plastic, because the event itself has significance.
- 15:21His stepmother hands out slippers at Christmas every year, and Tim brings up 9/11 and Building 7 while everyone is distracted by how soft the Snuggies are.
- 15:43Teachers constantly talk about why they decided to become teachers as if it's a major accomplishment, when the real reason is they don't like hard work and wanted summers off.
- 16:28Tim says he never criticized teachers until they started claiming to have the most important job in the world, which isn't true—it's not even in the top hundred important jobs.
- 16:52There's no shortage of teachers because if one doesn't show up, a substitute can step in immediately and do the job, proving it's not that specialized or irreplaceable.
- 17:31Tim doesn't want to put on the slippers his stepmother hands out and jokes about wanting to tie a rope around his neck instead.
Kill TonyPeach Melba
- 3 min
The Hokey Pokey and Wanting to Die at the Family Party
#Tim describes the surreal horror of adults doing the hokey pokey at his family Christmas, contrasting it with the show's usual dark subject matter like JFK conspiracies and Ray Kump's morgue stories.
6moments
- 17:43Tim jokes about buying everyone nooses as Christmas gifts because 2019 would be rough.
- 18:10His aunt starts the hokey pokey at a family gathering with everyone in matching slippers.
- 18:50He argues that people doing the hokey pokey probably don't want to hear about JFK conspiracy theories, satanic cults, or the Russian mob.
- 19:22Tim's father, a musician, sits down to play guitar at the family gathering.
- 19:40His dad's new songs aren't good anymore because he's out of practice and just writes about selling wine every day.
- 20:25The family's three dogs are named after politically charged figures: Maya Angelou, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Frederick Douglass.
George H. W. BushFrederick DouglassKennedyRuth Bader GinsburgMaya Angelou
- 3 min
His Dad's Terrible Wine Salesman Songs and the 47-Year-Old's Kid Song
#Tim describes his father's uninspired acoustic songs about selling wine and his dogs named after Maya Angelou, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Frederick Douglass, then mocks a 47-year-old family friend who performs a song co-written with an 11-year-old about colors.
6moments
- 21:03Tim's father sang a nonsensical wine-salesman song about taking a newspaper ride on the train with coffee.
- 21:22Writing songs are fucking easy and pointless—just describe the weather over an acoustic guitar and everyone calls you an artist.
- 21:50A 47-year-old guitarist at the gathering played a song he co-wrote with an 11-year-old based entirely on color names.
- 22:38Tim's take: children's thoughts are mostly worthless, and he doesn't want to hear songs written by kids.
- 23:34Watching his father and the 47-year-old sing wilderness-packed retarded songs in the den felt like a final Christmas Tim needed to endure.
- 24:01Tim decided this was the last Christmas he'd participate in sing-along hokey-pokey family gatherings.
- 6 min
Outrage Culture Grifters and the Louis CK/Chris Rock N-Word Clip
#Tim argues outrage culture has peaked, using the backlash to an old Chris Rock/Ricky Gervais/Louis CK clip as an example, and mocks online activists who pair political rage with Patreon links and self-promotion.
10moments
- 25:08Tim predicts outrage culture is at peak saturation and about to recede because people are tired and don't know why they're angry anymore.
- 25:24The Louis CK and Chris Rock n-word clip from a decade-old HBO special got weaponized by outrage grifters who couldn't even agree on whom to attack.
- 25:59Outrage peddlers are sloppy and unfocused, using viral tweets to promote themselves while claiming to fight the patriarchy and smash systems.
- 26:40People are just capitalizing on fake outrage to build careers, asking followers to fund their web series or Patreon while tweeting about social justice.
- 27:19Twitter outrage has become a smash-and-grab operation: exploit whatever controversy exists, then ask people to donate while they're angry.
- 28:08Tim describes the modern outrage grifter: someone with no talent—not funny, can't sing or dance, barely literate—building a career entirely on performing the right opinions.
- 28:51The grifter script includes blaming the system for holding down women, queer people, and people of color while citing any available grievance as proof of moral authority.
- 30:06People don't want to laugh anymore; they want somewhere to direct their unfocused rage in a way that makes sense to their cubicle-trapped minds.
- 30:23Tim suggests people crave someone to point them at a villain—Mexicans, Jews, white men—just to give their formless anger a target for a few minutes.
- 30:43Despite the madness, Tim believes unfocused outrage culture is actually going to dissipate soon.
Twitteroutrage cultureLouis C.K.Ricky GervaisChris RockJerry Seinfeldsocial media grift
- 5 min
Unfunny Comedians Building Careers on Outrage Instead of Talent
#Tim predicts outrage culture will recede and says the N-word will return to network TV within six months, then pivots into a rant about unfunny comedy-adjacent media figures who band together and get press despite never getting real laughs.
9moments
- 31:03Tim predicts the outrage wave is about to crash based on conversations with diverse people across the country.
- 31:52Articles like "vegans are too white" have become indistinguishable from parody.
- 32:33Real headlines about polyamory as revolutionary concept read like rejected Onion pitches.
- 32:51Tim jokes that network TV will normalize the N-word within six months.
- 33:32Some bloggers and activists are so fervent in their beliefs they're essentially indistinguishable from religious extremists like Muhammad Ata.
- 34:07Unfunny comedians have infiltrated the comedy community because they have press connections and write favorable coverage of each other.
- 34:33Unfunny people band together like the mafia, helping each other's careers through networking and marketing.
- 34:57These comics can make clever Twitter puns but never produce the guttural laughs that comedians like Patrice O'Neill and Joan Rivers achieved.
- 35:21Their anger at never getting real laughs drives much of their online behavior.
outrage cultureJoan RiversPatrice O'NealMuhammad AtaKelly RipaMichael Strahan
- 6 min
2019 Predictions: Trump, the Economy, War, and a Democratic Ficus Plant
#Tim predicts a rough economy in 2019, discusses Trump's troop pullbacks and the foreign policy establishment's addiction to war, questions Trump's legal exposure over Trump University-style scams, and mocks Democrats over-indexing on identity politics with candidates like Kamala Harris.
10moments
- 35:51Tim says most comedy special trailers feature people with talent that doesn't evoke actual laughter from a room.
- 36:20Trump's unpredictability and the economy's uncertain prospects make 2019 hard to predict.
- 36:42The Fed raising rates signals the end of the free ride; multiple global crises loom.
- 37:16Foreign policy establishment needs America in four or five wars at a time to function; fewer wars cause anxiety.
- 38:02Trump pulling troops back is radical; MSNBC now hosts Bush-era Republicans arguing against the withdrawal.
- 38:37Every president who's tried to scale back American military engagement has been removed from office.
- 39:16Trump's history as a contractor and developer includes not paying people and forcing lawsuits to collect.
- 39:39Trump University represents a cartoonish scam—the idea of studying business management online under Trump is absurd.
- 40:07Democrats would run a fern or ficus plant if they had to; their obsession with identity politics makes them unelectable.
- 40:53Tim predicts Kamala Harris will be the Democratic nominee, though she's not ready for mainstream politics yet.
Trump UniversityDonald TrumpKamala HarrisMSNBCBernie SandersJoe BidenKennedyNixon
- 7 min
Trump as a Reality Star President and America's Broken Institutions
#Tim marvels at how a reality TV con man became president, argues America is splintering into alternate realities due to a corrupt press, and describes people checking out entirely from politics and news, disillusioned by failed institutions from the Catholic Church to Hollywood's MeToo scandals.
12moments
- 41:40Trump promised transparency by letting every thought he has exist in the public sphere, negotiating with countries on Twitter.
- 42:07Tim's riff on telling a seven-year-old to grow up and get into Medicare fraud instead of believing in Santa.
- 42:54The fact that a reality star casino owner and wrestling heel became president reflects how fundamentally sick the country is.
- 43:33The infantilization of people is visible everywhere—at Christmas parties doing the hokey pokey.
- 44:02Americans are splintering into alternate realities and may never come back to a shared one, facilitated by technology.
- 44:24Faith in the press is completely destroyed—they were complicit in Iraq, torture, and concealing Saudi involvement in 9-11.
- 45:08Online, supposed independent journalists are ranting in basements about aliens, so there's nowhere left to turn for information.
- 45:51Trump represents people so angry and confused they've given up—they just want to let it burn.
- 46:17Every major institution has been exposed: the Catholic Church as a human trafficking ring, mainstream media enriching the top 1%.
- 47:06Hollywood's Me Too revelations destroyed the credibility of the cultural institutions supposedly binding the country together.
- 47:29People are in the wilderness with no authority left to trust and no shared mission or purpose to restore the country.
- 47:52It's probably impossible to get everybody on the same page anymore—the fragmentation seems permanent and irreversible.
- 6 min
Why America Might Break Apart, and Rich People's Doomsday Compounds
#Tim discusses the vast cultural and economic gaps between different parts of the country, wonders what actually holds America together, and describes ultra-wealthy people at conferences planning compounds and escape plans for economic or climate collapse.
9moments
- 48:39America has 350 million people with fundamentally incompatible worldviews—fundamentalist Christians, devout Muslims, non-binary people, Communists—all forced to agree on one system.
- 49:11Economic collapse is the one thing that could trigger total chaos; anger and hatred exist everywhere but don't boil over because people can still get jobs, withdraw money, and access electricity and gas.
- 49:55Traveling for comedy has shown Tim that people are similar in their core needs—food, water, shelter, family—but radically different in how they believe they should obtain those things.
- 50:50A coal miner in Pennsylvania and Tim have completely different concerns; coal matters everything to one and nothing to the other, yet coal dominates political coverage because miners live in swing states.
- 51:19There's no clear reason this country wouldn't eventually break apart—no shared identity holding it together beyond propaganda and unending war.
- 51:43The super wealthy don't see America as a country but as an operation to extract money; they have homes everywhere and no civic virtue tying them to one place.
- 52:26At high-net-worth conferences, rich people ask questions like how to keep staff loyal if money systems fail and where to build compounds when climate change ravages different continents.
- 52:54Rich people are building homes in Montana and remote locations cut off from civilization, insulated from something they sense is coming.
- 53:28Tim says if he had that kind of money, he'd escape to a compound as fast as possible rather than stay anywhere near regular people.
- 6 min
Civil Unrest Is Coming, So Use Real Plates
#Tim ties his doomsday economic predictions back to the holiday theme, urging people to treat their remaining gatherings like a last meal before civil unrest and food shortages hit, using real dishware instead of solo cups.
9moments
- 54:01Tim argues he wouldn't blame wealthy people for leaving the country when civil unrest hits, because he'd do the same if he had the resources.
- 54:44The likelihood of civil unrest, food shortages, and water problems increases dramatically as the dollar loses reserve currency status.
- 55:44Tim's advice: use real plates, stemware, and utensils for holiday gatherings because the end is coming and these last celebrations matter.
- 56:14Civil unrest and food shortages are imminent, so don't cheap out on holiday food—make it yourself or go to a restaurant.
- 56:54Condemned prisoners get to choose their last meals for a reason; family gatherings should be treated with that same respect.
- 57:16If you can't afford to host properly with real plates and good food, don't invite too many people—cast them out instead.
- 57:44Gatherings are about demonstrating you have taste, appreciation, and things of value to share, not just being in the same room together.
- 58:24The reason to host well is to show people what good things are, because if they already knew, they'd be hosting at their own house.
- 59:01Being together is a shelter; a holiday is an event that requires meaningful, valuable, cool things to justify its existence.
civil unrestfood shortagesLos AngelesCostcoGrand Central StationPenn StationTerminator
- 2 min
Closing Riff: Gatherings Are About Sharing Value, Not Just Being Together
#Tim delivers his closing philosophy that holidays should be about sharing things of value, not just obligatory togetherness, and jokes about eventually retiring to Beverly Hills with a pink flamingo among rich people who appreciate him.
4moments
- 59:35Tim argues that gatherings aren't actually about being together—they're about sharing things of value.
- 59:54When you see family, conversations should be meaningful and constructive, not just vapid time-filling.
- 1:00:15Food and drinks have to match the intentionality of the gathering, because life is too short for two hours of empty sitting.
- 1:00:36If your family isn't feeding you intellectually, spiritually, or emotionally, you should retire to Beverly Hills and surround yourself with rich people who appreciate you.
- 1 min
Tim closes out the episode wishing listeners a happy or sad new year, indifferent either way.
1moment
- 1:00:55Tim's sign-off: whether the audience has a happy or sad 2019 doesn't matter to him, nothing they do has ever mattered, goodbye.