Episode 60 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Joel Osteen's Ark
Sep 3, 2017 · 1:13:55 · 23 segments, 177 moments indexed
- 1 min
Tim introduces the new animated intro for the show, thanks Ralph Sutton and Luis Gomez of GaS Digital, and plugs the subscription promo code hell.
3moments
- 0:31Tim presents the new animated intro and asks how listeners like it.
- 0:50Tim thanks Ralph Sutton and Luis Gomez as GaS Digital's owners who commissioned the intro.
- 1:05The intro song is by Squirrel Nut Zippers, though Tim's uncertain about the details.
- 4 min
Trolling People Over the Joel Osteen Church Controversy
#Tim explains his love of trolling and describes going on Facebook to bait people over Joel Osteen not opening his mega church to Hurricane Harvey flood victims, riffing on Barbara Bush's Katrina comments and Antifa dividing the poor.
10moments
- 1:20Tim announces he's back to trolling after taking time off.
- 1:34He describes the appeal of trolling: whipping people up because they're so easy.
- 2:13Tim jokingly compares it to the Superdome during Katrina and pivots to Barbara Bush's infamous quote about underprivileged people.
- 2:49Chris Hedges's take: the ruling class divides poor people so they beat each other.
- 3:26Tim describes getting bored at a restaurant and deciding to troll on Twitter about Joel Osteen.
- 4:03He drafted a deliberately provocative post starting with 'fuck tard' to bait responses from his audience.
- 4:14Most people on his page, including many comics, don't realize he's trolling and take him seriously.
- 4:32Tim notes that since Trump, few people do active trolling anymore; most just express genuine anger about politics.
- 4:54His troll strategy: start with the tax-exempt church angle to predictably enrage people, then escalate with crude language about 'water rats.'
- 5:07Nick Mullen is the king of trolling; Tim just dabbles on weekends like a casual fisherman.
- 3 min
Escalating the Joel Osteen Facebook Troll War
#Tim reads out his increasingly absurd fake-outraged Facebook posts about Joel Osteen's church and the reactions they provoked, including people arguing about taxation, private property, and Christian hypocrisy.
8moments
- 5:22Squatting in Joel Osteen's church with a drenched baby is gross.
- 5:34Patrick Milligan jumps in to stoke the fires of the Facebook argument.
- 5:51Commenters immediately pivot to churches being private property and tax avoidance.
- 6:15Someone claims the church is called Lakewood Church because it's constantly flooded.
- 7:02Tim escalates by asking how to donate to Joel Osteen so he can become president.
- 7:21Tim claims Joel Osteen saved his life and cured his AIDS through reading The Power of I Am.
- 7:35Tim writes about holding Joel Osteen's hand while crying and fully erect in his house.
- 7:59Commenters don't realize he's a comedian and take the posts seriously, which is what makes it funny.
- 3 min
Comics, Crazy Relatives, and the Deep State Giving Up
#Discussion of how relatable unhinged trolling is (comparing it to a crazy uncle or an 85-year-old aunt tweeting at Michael Moore), then a shift into whether the CIA and deep state have lost their teeth under Trump and are complicit in ramping up chaos.
9moments
- 8:41Tim's manager's brother was removed from Facebook and Twitter for expressing controversial opinions.
- 8:58Friend Alex has an 85-year-old aunt who tweets insults at Michael Moore.
- 9:18Tim argues the CIA and deep state have already removed presidents before, so current chaos isn't their doing.
- 9:34Tim suggests the CIA and deep state might not have the teeth and balls anymore and have given up.
- 10:00The intelligence community works for the defense industry, not the other way around.
- 10:29Tim doubts the intelligence community cares about riots in the streets.
- 10:57The more riots occur, the easier it becomes to pass draconian security measures.
- 11:12Tim notices and comments on sex toy ads appearing on Gas Digital Studios.
- 11:34Tim asks if the spank set restraints can be used for autoerotic asphyxiation during masturbation.
CIAintelligence agenciesKennedyMichael MooreNixonGaS Digital StudiosSouth Park
- 3 min
A drifting ad read for SDR sex toys (restraints, cuffs, blindfolds) mixed with jokes about masturbation aids, plus a thank-you to Citibank employees who came to see the live show at Fantastik.
7moments
- 12:00Two Citibank guys came to the show and were nice kids.
- 12:25Tim discusses whether federal agents create chaos at protests as agitators.
- 12:42Everyone is now fully engaged in tribalism, becoming like Sunnis and Shiites who pre-hate each other.
- 12:58Tim flew to Wilmington for Dead Crow Comedy Club, and the crowd was receptive.
- 13:18The Hilton charged his card when she shouldn't have, but Tim isn't thrilled about it.
- 13:44American Airlines magazine featured a spread on George W. Bush painting veterans.
- 14:16Tim reads the magazine's caption: 'every brushstroke is a learning experience' for Bush.
George W. BushDead Crow Comedy ClubFranticDonald RumsfeldWilmington
- 3 min
George W. Bush's Veteran Paintings in the Airline Magazine
#Tim rants about an American Airlines magazine spread celebrating George W. Bush's paintings of veterans and himself in a bathtub, arguing Bush was a worse war criminal than Trump despite the media's rehabilitation of him.
6moments
- 14:44George W. Bush's early paintings—a back-in-tub piece with gray hair and toes sticking out has a lustful energy.
- 15:09Tim's problem: Bush painting the people he sent to an unwinnable war is one thing; the press celebrating it is another.
- 15:40Bush is learning to paint now but showed no intellectual curiosity for eight years while miring the country in two unwinnable wars.
- 16:11Tim argues George W. Bush might have been worse than Trump—responsible for millions of deaths and total regional upheaval through preemptive wars.
- 16:45People's outrage over Trump is partly about style and personality rather than actual harm—W. Bush is a war criminal, Trump not yet.
- 17:02You can't say that yet about Trump.
- 4 min
Tim and Ray play and react to audio of Trump praising 'what a crowd, what a turnout' and thanking his cabinet during a Hurricane Harvey briefing, dissecting the narcissism and detachment in his remarks.
5moments
- 17:22Trump calls Hurricane Harvey a "great crowd" and "turnout" while touring the disaster zone.
- 17:43Tim notes Trump tells the local official he's become very famous, exemplifying his detachment from the actual crisis.
- 19:40Trump's acceptance-speech cadence—thanking his cabinet and saying "we want to do it better than ever before"—treats the disaster like an awards ceremony.
- 20:07Tim observes that Trump's framing as "we want to make sure we do this right" masks a deeper gamesmanship about optics rather than genuine relief.
- 20:40The constant pivot to "we want them to say, that's how you do it" reveals narcissism bleeding through even in a moment of national disaster.
- 4 min
More Trump hurricane audio is played, with Tim criticizing the inappropriateness of a political rally during a disaster, then pivoting to skepticism about donating to the Red Cross versus trusted local charities.
7moments
- 21:18Trump holding a political rally in the middle of a natural disaster, standing on a truck with emergency vehicles and security nearby, is wildly inappropriate.
- 21:53The people showing up with signs to support Trump despite him ramping up troops in Afghanistan, failing to build the wall, and not helping his base demonstrates exhausting energy.
- 22:45Trump's speech at the rally immediately boasts about the crowd size and turnout rather than acknowledging the ongoing hurricane and rainfall records.
- 23:42Tim suggests they should express sympathy to people affected by the hurricane and apologize instead of celebrating crowd numbers.
- 23:58Tim donates ten dollars to a trusted charity rather than the Red Cross and recommends others do the same.
- 24:18Skepticism about where charity donations actually go—whether they reach hurricane relief or get diverted elsewhere months later.
- 24:35Donating to charity is ultimately about making yourself feel better, comparable to the cost and effect of a Percocet.
- 4 min
Ray's Hurricane Sandy Story: Sleeping in the Morgue
#Ray recounts working during Hurricane Sandy, including a bizarre story about a trash can full of dog heads and a ritually sacrificed turtle shell at his job, and ultimately sleeping overnight in a morgue full of bodies.
7moments
- 25:23Hurricane Sandy was the hurricane of Ray's lifetime, completely destroying the area where he lived.
- 26:01After Sandy, trains weren't running and people couldn't leave the city—the last train out would be completely packed with no information on when service would resume.
- 26:26Ray slept in the morgue the first night after Sandy because hotels were destroyed and there was nowhere else to go.
- 26:52The morgue held fifteen to twenty bodies, plus overflow from funeral homes whose refrigeration was knocked out by the storm.
- 27:15The smaller back fridge contained a trash can of dog heads and a giant turtle shell from a woman training her kids to ritually kill dogs for rabies testing.
- 28:06Ray decided to throw out the useless turtle shell to make space, treating the crisis as an opportunity to clean up.
- 28:39Ray wasn't scared sleeping with the dead—he had a couch in the back, an iPad, and was actually comfortable with the situation.
- 4 min
Necrophilia Jokes and the Morality of Prosperity Preachers
#Tim needles Ray about whether he was attracted to the corpses in the morgue, then the conversation moves into whether Joel Osteen-style religious hucksters are doing something immoral or just giving people what they want.
9moments
- 28:54Tim explores the hypothetical of sleeping in a morgue during a natural disaster, where traditional morality becomes irrelevant.
- 29:29The bit escalates to whether you'd unzip a body bag to say hello to a corpse if lonely.
- 29:46Tim considers checking the morgue fridge window to see if there's a pretty lady among the dead bodies coming in all night.
- 30:09Tim admits he thought he might be attracted to dead bodies but was surprised to find he wasn't.
- 30:37A joke about an Antifa member lowering their bandana and telling Tim he can't be part of their organization because of his necrophilia talk.
- 31:15Natural disasters are one of the few things that show you have zero control over your life and plans.
- 31:48Tim criticizes prosperity gospel churches for opening their doors to disaster refugees, calling followers of prosperity preachers undeserving of salvation.
- 32:14Joel Osteen gets called out as the most obvious prosperity gospel huckster on the show's radar.
- 32:32Tim notes there's something interesting about prosperity gospel that deserves exploration.
- 4 min
Everybody's Religious: Mediums, Ideology, and Logic's Decline
#Tim argues everyone worships something -- intersectional feminism, alt-right nationalism, psychics like the Long Island Medium and Hollywood Medium -- and laments the decline of rational public debate in the social media age.
9moments
- 32:39Tim's premise: mediums like Theresa Caputo prey on people's need to feel connected to deceased loved ones.
- 33:09Everyone is religious—whether through traditional faith, intersectional feminism, or alt-right ideology; belief systems function as operating systems independent of logic.
- 33:51People don't use logic anymore; they might learn formal reasoning in college but never apply it because everything in life runs on emotion, id, fear, and prejudice.
- 34:38TV used to feature actual substantive debates like William Buckley versus Chomsky, unlike the current media landscape.
- 34:57Social media has fundamentally altered how we process information, shrinking attention spans in ways we're still learning to measure.
- 35:20Mediums like the Long Island Medium and the Hollywood Medium—including the gay twink who channeled Notorious B.I.G. for little Kim—tap into genuine hunger for this type of content.
- 35:47Their defense amounts to: people want to believe in the Wizard of Oz, so we're giving them what they want, even if it's cynical and morally questionable.
- 36:14Tim acknowledges mediums are objectively wrong if they're not actually talking to who they claim, but concedes they might be right that their clients become happier.
- 36:27People are too weak and too dumb to lead themselves or resist being led, and Tim's uncertainty about whether to feel bad for those who get scanned reflects this larger helplessness.
religionTheresa CaputoHollywood MediumLong Island MediumWilliam BuckleyNoam ChomskyNotorious B.I.G.
- 2 min
Bernie Madoff and Looters Facing Life in Prison
#Tim argues Madoff's victims should have known better, then pivots to Texas threatening looters with life in prison during the hurricane, questioning the proportionality given insurance would cover the losses anyway.
6moments
- 36:43Tim questions why Bernie Madoff's actions are actually illegal.
- 36:53Victims of Madoff should have known better—they had resources to recognize the returns were unrealistic.
- 37:10Burglars facing life sentences in Texas for looting during the hurricane.
- 37:22Tim argues against giving life sentences for looting, especially when stolen goods are insured.
- 37:53Woman confronts CNN reporter during hurricane coverage, accusing media of exploiting disaster for ratings.
- 38:14The woman's point: media companies won't promote relief donations unless they can use the crisis for their own benefit.
- 4 min
They play and react to viral footage of a hurricane survivor named Danielle berating a CNN reporter for shoving a microphone in her face after she waited 36+ hours to be rescued, with jokes about racial disparities in rescue response times.
9moments
- 39:00Tim quips that police response time is still under 36 hours, so technically they were fast.
- 39:18Police went to white areas first during the disaster, illustrating institutional racism in emergency response.
- 39:35Tim criticizes Ben Shapiro for claiming institutional racism doesn't exist while ignoring obvious examples.
- 40:06Tim impersonates cops explaining they need six feet of water depth to reach poor neighborhoods by boat.
- 40:31Tim notes police prioritized evacuating the Bush family and wealthy areas like Preston Hollow over flooded neighborhoods.
- 41:18The flood survivor breaks down: five days with no food, no water, nobody came to help.
- 41:40Survivor confronts the CNN reporter for interviewing her during her worst moment instead of helping her children.
- 42:02Tim mockingly asks where the father is, noting it would be funny to ask that during a crisis interview.
- 42:13Tim questions why they're not supposed to find humor in an absurd disaster relief situation.
Ben ShapiroPreston Hollow
- 4 min
Journalism's Moral Bankruptcy and Anderson Cooper's Fake Empathy
#Tim argues journalism attracts uniquely cynical, career-obsessed people chasing clicks over accuracy, singling out Anderson Cooper's performed empathy, and briefly recalls the Buzzfeed reporter body-slammed by a politician.
8moments
- 43:10Reporters used to have empathy, but not anymore—nobody good at the job stays in journalism.
- 43:30Tim argues journalism attracts one of the most incompetent breeds of human beings possible.
- 43:53Chris Hedges described the journalism class as morally bankrupt, advancing careers on the backs of people in tragedy.
- 44:16Journalists promote their own careers above accuracy, ethics, or doing the right thing.
- 44:42Anderson Cooper's entire value comes from his ability to fake empathy and concern.
- 45:09Tim mimics Cooper performing fake distress over a crisis while sweating and demanding air conditioning.
- 45:34The reporter who got body-slammed by a candidate then lost, and people voted for the candidate instead.
- 45:54All the bad trends are converging—race war, bad weather, general decay.
- 4 min
Trump as a Rejected Organ Transplant and Corbyn's Anti-Imperialism
#Tim compares Trump to a body rejecting a transplanted organ, contrasts him with Obama and George W. Bush's death toll, then briefly discusses Jeremy Corbyn as possibly Britain's most anti-imperialist candidate.
9moments
- 46:22Trump compared to a rejected organ transplant—the populace's body just rejects him because he's too rancid.
- 46:43Jeremy Corbyn in the UK is very anti-imperialist and possibly Britain's most anti-imperialist candidate ever.
- 47:04Ralph is a good cook and has been making cauliflower and zucchini pizzas for his no-carb diet.
- 47:28Tim reports he's two months into his diet and has lost about 20 pounds without weighing himself.
- 47:49Conversation about button-down shirts and Tim's past wardrobe of a single black shirt worn daily for two years.
- 48:13Tim is taking a cruise to Cuba in October for his first flight and first time in Cuba, staying only two days.
- 48:26The State Department website says no tourism to Cuba, making the whole trip feel sketchy and potentially problematic.
- 49:03The plan is to take a cruise from Florida to Cuba to see sights, get a Cubano sandwich, and experience Havana's nightlife.
- 49:38Cuba's visa process requires responding in one of 12 specified ways or paying again if you mess it up.
Donald TrumpGeorge W. BushJeremy CorbynCubaRalph
- 3 min
Ray's Sketchy Trip to Cuba as a Fake Missionary
#Ray describes his upcoming illegal-tourism trip to Cuba on a cruise, and Tim riffs on Ray posing as a religious missionary devoted to Joseph, complete with lamb sacrifices and getting thrown in a Cuban prison.
9moments
- 50:27Tim suggests Ray study a few religious questions before going to Cuba as a fake missionary, starting with the basics.
- 50:39Ray claims he was an altar boy for 60 years and knows his biblical material better than the average Catholic.
- 50:51Ray pitches his missionary goal: focusing on Joseph, Jesus's stepfather, whom he thinks gets overlooked in favor of Christ and Mary.
- 51:12Ray's actual plan: find pregnant women in Cuba and volunteer to raise their children as his thing.
- 51:23Tim imagines Ray being carried around Cuba like Marlon Brando in Island of Doctor Moreau while eating a live lamb.
- 51:59Tim warns that if Ray ends up in a Cuban prison, nobody's coming to rescue him—Team Six won't help.
- 52:12Ray counters that he'd just play dominoes and smoke cigars all day if imprisoned in Cuba.
- 52:26Tim asks Ray whether he'd denigrate the United States if Cuba demanded it as a hostage, doubting they'd show the same courtesy.
- 52:41Tim notes the show has defended ISIS many times and wonders if they have fans in Cuba who can access podcasts there.
- 2 min
Merch Ideas: Mugs, Labia Shirts, and Kids-in-Cages Logos
#Riffing on potential Tim Dillon merchandise, including a face mug, a labia t-shirt design, and a controversial 'children in cages' shirt concept, plus discussion of who would actually wear the show's gear.
7moments
- 53:03Tim mentions a mug prototype is coming soon but isn't in the store yet.
- 53:15The mug design is just Tim's face, expensive to produce because it requires custom glass blowing or pottery work.
- 53:37Tim threatens to start his own merchandise line with glass-blown mugs of his head.
- 53:53A black T-shirt with the 'Tim Dillon's Going to Hell' logo is already in the store.
- 54:12Tim pitches a shirt idea: a 'T' and 'D' with a labia shape in between.
- 54:46Tim proposes a limited-edition shirt featuring children in cages as the logo.
- 55:00The alternative design concept shows Tim and Ray stylized as if helping people out of cages, rescuing them.
- 4 min
The Guy Who Flipped Out at Fans Charging Phones on Stage
#Tim recounts losing his temper at a live show on lesbians charging their phones on the stage edge and a heckler who claimed to know Chris DiStefano, defending his right to call out bad audience behavior.
11moments
- 55:20Some of Tim's fans are bankers who can't wear a shirt to the show.
- 55:37One fan brings his dad to see Tim, who's bombing in front of twelve people, trying to explain why the podcast is funny.
- 56:09Two lesbians in the front row last night were charging their phone on the stage.
- 56:27Tim made jokes about the phone charging, but they didn't laugh—they looked pissed, which set him off.
- 56:52Tim yelled at some guy who wanted Chris de Stefano, calling him out for being a loser from the 90s who borrowed money.
- 57:21The guy followed Tim out afterward looking like he was going to hit him, then disappeared.
- 57:59Tim's complaint: people come to a free show, charge their phones like animals, and when called out, they get angry instead of laughing.
- 58:28After the show, Tim and someone else screamed at the woman with the phone, and it was charged all the way.
- 58:48Tim wants to design his own pair of sneakers despite not being good at selling things.
- 58:59People comment on Instagram that Tim's Velcro shoes look like diabetes or retarded shoes.
- 59:13Tim's shoes look like Velcro retarded shoes they give to people so they don't hang themselves.
- 1 min
Retarded Shoes and a Live Show From His Mother's Mental Institution
#Tim jokes about his velcro sneakers looking like diabetic shoes, then pitches doing a live podcast interviewing patients at his mother's mental institution.
4moments
- 59:26Tim pitches doing a live show broadcast from his mother's mental institution, interviewing patients on Jacobs ladder.
- 59:38The concept would feel exploitative, but the patients could be the best guests they've ever had.
- 1:00:00Tim encourages people to advertise the show despite worrying no one will accept them, invoking Abraham Lincoln's quote about pleasing people.
- 1:00:18The TD logo is now a beacon of hope, though his friend's sister-in-law threw him out of the house after hearing jokes about kids getting fucked.
- 4 min
Guinea Pig Vaporware and the Who Took Johnny Halloween Road Trip Pitch
#Tim teases his long-promised but never-delivered 'Guinea Pig' project, then pitches a real Halloween road trip to Iowa retracing locations from the Who Took Johnny documentary about Johnny Gosch.
8moments
- 1:00:49Tim pitches a crazy idea but won't reveal details yet.
- 1:01:04Guinea Pig project has zero credibility after months of vaporware promises.
- 1:01:37Who Took Johnny musical compared to Star Wars prequels—kept teasing forever before it actually happened.
- 1:02:06Tim wants to do a Halloween episode visiting all the locations from the Who Took Johnny documentary.
- 1:02:28Idea is to tour Ohio and hit every place featured in the movie with interviews and a podcast.
- 1:03:08Plan includes Johnny's old house and potentially the Colorado area where the Franklin scandal house was bulldozed.
- 1:03:41They'd set up interviews with people who knew Johnny—gas station workers, milkmen, documentary participants.
- 1:04:12Who Took Johnny documentary on Netflix took the show in a direction they still can't explain.
- 3 min
Johnny Gosch Living on an Indian Reservation
#Continuing the Who Took Johnny riff, Tim speculates based on online rumor that Johnny Gosch lives on an Indian reservation and jokes about whether he could integrate into that life himself.
7moments
- 1:04:56Tim thinks Johnny Gosch lives on an Indian reservation based on a Reddit comment.
- 1:05:15Tim acknowledges this is unverified online chatter but believes it anyway.
- 1:05:27Tim wonders if a white man can just move to a reservation and proposes making a tree with the community.
- 1:05:38Tim pitches himself as useful to the reservation despite not being traditionally athletic—he can lift things and help hunt.
- 1:05:55Life on a reservation is probably just people getting drunk and doing drugs, which Tim claims he can participate in.
- 1:06:14Tim transitions to announcing a planned Halloween episode and upcoming live shows.
- 1:06:39Tim will be closing out Sober in the Sun on September 3rd in Massachusetts.
Sober in the SunJohnny Gosch
- 4 min
Tim runs through upcoming live dates in Boston, DC, Cleveland, and the New York Comedy Festival bus tour, plugs GaS Digital subscriptions and the Real Ass Podcast, and Ray plugs his Vice Sports show That Happened.
10moments
- 1:06:55Tim plugs Cityside Comedy on September 4th as one of his favorite rooms.
- 1:07:07DC Improv shows September 15th and 16th, with Tim featuring for Michelle Wolf who recorded an HBO special.
- 1:07:49New York Comedy Festival bus tour in November with limited 55-seat capacity per bus; sign up at timdilloncomedy.com for 24-hour advance ticket notice.
- 1:08:33Tim will be on the Impractical Jokers cruise in November with DiStefano, Per, and others.
- 1:08:52Magoobies in Baltimore scheduled for December.
- 1:09:04Subscribe to Guess Digital with promo code Hell for 15% off and access to the Real Ass Podcast with Lewis Gomez and Nick Mullen.
- 1:09:29Guest Digital subscription includes Legion of Skanks, Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll, and Dave Smith's show which features controversial guests and Fox News appearances.
- 1:09:47For broke listeners, rate and review on iTunes with five stars and tell friends about the show.
- 1:10:16Ray Comp promotes his new Vice Sports show That Happened covering crazy events in sports history.
- 1:10:41Ray Comp teases more live date announcements coming soon.
Michelle WolfNew York Comedy FestivalImpractical JokersDave SmithCityside comedyReal Ass PodcastDC ImprovHilarities+6 more
- 3 min
Wrapping Up: Iowa Trip Logistics and Alien Highway Book
#Closing chat about logistics for the potential Who Took Johnny road trip, contacting the original documentary producers, and Tim mentioning a book he's reading about a UFO highway and mutilated animals before signing off.
9moments
- 1:10:49Ray got a lot of laughs at Frantic and Tim wants to take him out on more shows.
- 1:11:09Problem with booking Ray is he has to take Friday off work.
- 1:11:35Tim pitches a Hoot to Johnny live episode where they rent a car and retrace their steps through Iowa.
- 1:12:04Tim worries that asking strangers online to drive them around Iowa might attract dangerous people.
- 1:12:15Tim considers having Noreen back on the podcast for an in-person Iowa trip episode.
- 1:12:43A producer was working on something related to the Franklin scandal case and may have been trying to get a deal, but nothing came of it.
- 1:13:01Pizzagate conspiracy probably didn't help matters when someone actually showed up with a gun.
- 1:13:18Tim is reading a Ben Mezrich book about the UFO highway and mutilated animals.
- 1:13:33Tim knows a professional baseball player interested in aliens and might try to get him on the show.
Ben MezrichRay KumpFranklin scandalNoreen