Episode 11 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Protestant Blood Burger
Sep 20, 2016 · 1:01:57 · 15 segments, 101 moments indexed
- 2 min
Cold Open: Bad Intro Music and Ray Kump the Fat Pig No-Show
#Tim jokes about fan complaints on the show's intro music, invites listeners to tweet him and Ray Kump, then rips into Ray for bailing on the show at the last minute and being generally a "fat pig."
2moments
- 0:54The intro music sounds like a Carnival Cruise commercial advertising a New Orleans themed buffet, which doesn't fit a show about the Kennedy assassination and Illuminati satanic pedophile cults.
- 1:23Ray Kump couldn't make it today because he's a fat pig who told Tim several minutes before the show he couldn't show up, which is why he's as unsuccessful as he is.
- 1 min
Kenny From Mortgages and His Mom
#Tim introduces guest Andrew Collin and his family real estate disaster, then tells a story about a mortgage industry coworker named Kenny screaming at his own mother during a shady real estate deal.
3moments
- 2:17Andrew Collin sold a multi-million dollar property to a family member in a business deal that went horribly wrong.
- 2:34Tim knew a guy named Kenny in mortgages, believed to be in jail now, who screamed at his mother over the phone about a house they bought together as an investment.
- 3:01Kenny was fighting with his own mother in a real estate deal, yelling that she wasn't going to fuck him over.
- 1 min
CIA Paranoia and the Drunk Ukrainian Landlord
#Tim segues from heavier recent episodes into the lighter Bennigan's topic, riffing on telling his drunk, knife-wielding Ukrainian landlord that the CIA is trying to kill him.
3moments
- 3:28Tim announces this was going to be the Bennegans episode about theme restaurants.
- 3:43Tim tells his drunk Ukrainian landlord he thinks the CIA is trying to kill him and asks her to watch for suspicious activity.
- 4:06Tim jokes his landlord is a lovely woman who stabbed her husband, then clarifies he's joking and nobody's trying to kill him except himself.
CIABenneganstheme restaurants
- 5 min
Bennigan's: Long Island's Fake Irish Nightmare Restaurant
#Tim launches into an extended rant about Bennigan's as the most nonsensical of Long Island's chain restaurants, describing his father taking him there during his parents' divorce, mocking its fake Irish menu items like the Turkey O'Toole and County Claire sampler, and reading horrifying Yelp reviews about ancient servers, sticky floors, and disgusting food.
8moments
- 4:22Long Island strip malls bred corporate chain restaurants like Fridays, Applebee's, and Ruby Tuesday, but none made less sense than Bennigan's.
- 4:59Tim's first Bennigan's visit: his angry divorced father pulled into a parking lot and decided to eat at what looked like a closed office building.
- 5:33Walking into Bennigan's makes you unsure if the restaurant is actually open—it feels like kids found an abandoned building and messed around in the kitchen.
- 6:36Bennigan's appropriated Irish culture in a way that doesn't even make sense and isn't real—Ireland doesn't have a distinct cuisine beyond pubs and maybe shepherd's pie.
- 7:07Bennigan's menu items like the Turkey O'Toole (turkey on pretzel bread with honey mustard) and the County Claire sampler (egg rolls, quesadillas, nachos) are ridiculous misrepresentations of Irish food.
- 8:04Yelp reviews consistently report ants on menus, sticky floors like movie theaters, and hours-long waits for cold food with hair in the mashed potatoes.
- 8:30The average Bennigan's server was 86 years old, and it's unclear if the restaurant ever truly reopened after closing.
- 8:57The 2008 market correction forced Bennigan's to close when money dried up.
Beneigan'sLong IslandIrish cultureThe Cheesecake FactoryApplebee'sFriday's
- 4 min
Tim plays and mocks a local news human-interest segment about Bennigan's 2008 bankruptcy closure, pointing out that reporters could barely find anyone who cared, including a woman in a parking lot possibly looking for drugs.
9moments
- 9:07Local news does a human interest story about Bennigan's closing but can't find anyone who actually cares
- 9:32A server was so ashamed of working at Bennigan's they refused to go on camera
- 9:52News report uses stock footage of a random guy on his cell phone to represent shocked Bennigan's customers
- 10:14Tim recalls his father at Bennigan's during his divorce, eating a Monte Cristo while saying he was being ruined
- 10:38Bennigan's has no wait staff around, making it an empty building where people go to have breakdowns
- 11:30The news clip shows a cup from Fridays rolling in the Bennigan's parking lot
- 12:06Every Bennigan's parking lot is completely empty with no cars in it
- 12:39A woman in the news clip rings a doorbell to get into Bennigan's, something that never happens at restaurants
- 12:56The news piece is completely fabricated and didn't actually affect anyone because nobody goes to Bennigan's except by accident
- 5 min
Paul Mangemile's Ponzi Scheme Revival and the Franchise Fee Waiver
#Tim narrates the CEO Paul Mangemile's bizarre relaunch of Bennigan's years after the bankruptcy, calling it a likely Ponzi scheme and mocking the CEO's claims about beloved servers against the backdrop of horrific Yelp reviews.
7moments
- 14:22Paul Mangemile buys the Bennigan's brand years after it was shut down, a decision Tim suspects was part of a Ponzi scheme.
- 15:02Tim suggests Bennigan's might actually be a front for the black market organ trade, since no one has ever actually walked into one.
- 15:23Mangemile claims on Fox that Bennigan's will never replace servers with robots because robots can't talk about the menu or do refills.
- 15:45A Yelp review describes a customer sitting down at Bennigan's, waiting ten minutes with no service, then being threatened with police if he doesn't pay before leaving.
- 16:10The new Bennigan's website markets the Turkey O'Toole as their comeback item, promoting Irish nostalgia for a restaurant concept no one asked for.
- 16:50Tim accuses Bennigan's of orchestrating a viral story about a sailor whose friend bought a beer in his memory, using the emotional moment for marketing.
- 17:27Every Yelp review of Bennigan's mentions servers either bleeding, blowing their nose, being too old to remember tables, or getting fired mid-shift.
Benigan'sPaul Mangemile
- 7 min
Tim plays and savages a CNN-style news segment where a Bennigan's waitress and CEO Paul Mangemile discuss a viral photo honoring a fallen soldier, turning into Tim's outraged rant about the company using veterans as a franchise-fee-waived recruitment pool he calls "the new GI Bill."
7moments
- 18:10Tim imagines a waitress at Bennigan's coming down from cocaine when the story begins.
- 19:08Bennigan's social media post features a sandwich photo with visibly disgusting residue on the sauce cup rim.
- 20:12Hannah left the tribute beer sitting for an hour and a half after her shift ended before pouring it out.
- 20:45The Facebook post about the beer tribute reached 20,000 likes overnight instead of the 40 she expected.
- 21:42Tim argues that if the military asks soldiers to give their lives, the government should provide them houses and healthcare.
- 22:15Bennigan's CEO announces Operation Enduring Opportunity, offering veterans financing to open their own Bennigan's franchises.
- 23:30Tim attacks the program as a Ponzi scheme designed to trap veterans into opening failing restaurant chains instead of actually supporting them.
Hannah HobbsBennigan'sPaul MangemelliAfghanistanIraqFrankie Toner
- 7 min
Tim continues tearing apart the veteran-tribute news clip, reading brutal Yelp reviews about moldy food and ant-covered menus in between clips, and wraps up his overall disgust with Bennigan's fake Irish branding.
10moments
- 24:32Tim imagines a deployed soldier in Iraq dreaming of opening a Bennigan's franchise when he gets home.
- 25:31CNN host compares waiving Bennigan's franchise fees for veterans to the historic sacrifice of the GI Bill.
- 26:15Tim notes that CNN is literally equating Bennigan's ownership to the original GI Bill.
- 26:49Reading Yelp reviews reveals the restaurant's nightmare conditions: faded signage, exhausted staff, and deteriorating service.
- 27:21A customer found an ant on their menu and the waitress responded that ants are everywhere in the restaurant.
- 28:00One Yelp review describes the dining room smelling like black mold when the reviewer walked in.
- 28:34The Bennigan's franchise owner gets emotional months later discussing a fallen sailor whose family photo he posted.
- 29:20A Yelp reviewer reports the sour cream horseradish sauce was actually liquified mayo that fell off the plate.
- 29:49Multiple reviews describe moldy tomatoes, overcooked mozzarella sticks, and consistently bad food quality.
- 30:21Tim argues that Bennigan's never made sense as a concept and can only competently pour alcohol into a glass.
- 7 min
Tim's childhood friend Joe calls in and recounts wild stories from their youth, including getting pulled over for smoking weed on a notorious Long Island gang block and a friend having drug-induced convulsions in a strip club chair.
11moments
- 30:56Joe grew up with Tim and is calling from Georgia to discuss trouble they got into in Tim's earlier days.
- 32:23Tim has been in two boating accidents with Joe's dad and insists Joe's father is funner than everyone.
- 33:21Tim and a friend drove a Chevy Suburban to Terrace Avenue, one of Long Island's most notorious drug and gang blocks, to smoke weed.
- 33:56An undercover cop in a silver Jeep Grand Cherokee pulled them over; the car was filled with weed smoke and the cop immediately asked where the heroin was.
- 34:41The friend in the front seat kept asking the cop "what are you doing?" in a slurred voice, leading the cop to believe he was on heroin.
- 35:05The cop held up the smoked blunt and said there's no way the friend got that fucked up from it, so Tim told the cop he's retarded.
- 35:22The same friend recently visited Joe in Atlanta and went into convulsions at a Buckhead establishment at 2 p.m. while supposedly sober.
- 36:07Joe discovered the friend had been on fentanyl and other prescription medications he didn't disclose before the convulsions started.
- 36:30Tim and Joe just left the friend having a seizure in the chair and went about their day instead of helping him.
- 37:38When Joe visited a friend's apartment on the South Shore of Long Island, the floor was covered in dog shit and the cabinets looked like a small pharmacy.
- 38:12Joe expected to find the same conditions when he returned to visit the apartment again.
JoeJoe's dadTerrace AvenueLong IslandBuckheadSouth Shore
- 6 min
Joe continues with stories about a mutual friend illegally living in a neighbor's kicked-in apartment, a violent ex-girlfriend on Indiana's Most Wanted list who repeatedly stabbed her boyfriend, and other insane friends before signing off.
10moments
- 38:32Caller Joe describes finding his friend's apartment with a kicked-in door, learning the friend is illegally housing a squatter going through a divorce.
- 39:11The squatters have the courtesy to sleep on couches instead of the bed in the apartment they're illegally occupying.
- 39:30Tim describes the friend's ex-girlfriend as being on Indiana's most wanted list and notes her habit of smoking a bong, cigarette, and using a rescue inhaler in the same breath.
- 40:32Joe recalls the first time meeting the ex-girlfriend: she was dancing with the friend on top of a bar at Dugans in East Meadow while the friend was high and nearly falling off.
- 41:36The ex-girlfriend stabbed the friend, and when Joe picked him up, she had already stabbed him again previously.
- 42:04Despite being a 280-pound, six-foot-three man, the friend was afraid to go back inside because he didn't know when his 110-pound ex-girlfriend would return and was afraid of her.
- 42:26When marshals came looking for the ex-girlfriend, the friend initially claimed not to know where she was before revealing she was in the kitchen.
- 43:19Tim tells a story about a friend's ex-wife in Freeport who said her husband tried to kill her, then took out a mortgage for three times her house's value and spent it all on cocaine.
- 43:51The morning after the husband beat up Tim's friend, her son said daddy was bad and her older son said dad swung at mom.
- 44:05Tim asks Joe to come back on the show and suggests doing a recurring segment of old stories, offering to keep them anonymous.
FreeportNassau County PD
- 8 min
Guest Andrew Collin joins and recounts cheating his way through college finance, a near-fatal cocaine binge in New Orleans, and flipping an orange grove land deal with his uncle for millions right before the market crashed.
10moments
- 46:11Andrew had a mild coke overdose in New Orleans after doing blow all night with a stripper, then gravity bong hits sent him to the heart ward for three days.
- 46:58Real estate ran through his family—grandma Shirley and his uncle both did it, so Andrew got his license at 23 during the boom without knowing what he was doing.
- 48:04Andrew and his buddy Rusty found an orange grove with five parcels, sixty acres, and underlying zoning for three units per acre.
- 48:46The dying cancer patient had a pro forma showing six million dollars in profit, so Andrew called his uncle to tell him it was a sure thing.
- 49:18They sold it to the uncle for 7.8 million, then got it under contract with Angle Homes for 16 million before even closing.
- 50:05Andrew made $300,000 overnight and went crazy—trips to Costa Rica doing blow, Vegas, Colorado, buying a truck with spinners and trading it for a Mercedes with seven grand in a brown bag to Jack the dealer.
- 50:51Andrew bought a condo for $220,000 that dropped to $60,000 in six months when the market crashed and he had nothing.
- 51:17Ziggy Wilf, owner of the Vikings, came down to meet Andrew and Rusty about the land deal—showing how crazy the mortgage industry had gotten.
- 51:35The land Andrew sold to his uncle for 7.8 million is now worth about 1.5 million, but his uncle doesn't seem to hold it against him.
- 52:36Rusty works in wealth management and stock stuff for his father now.
Andrew CollinZiggy WilfVero Beach, Floridareal estateMinnesota VikingsFloridamortgage crisisorange grove
- 2 min
Andrew describes hiding in his bathroom every morning to avoid a process server trying to foreclose on his condo, until the server caught on and called him out through the window.
7moments
- 53:05Tim recalls stories from when he had money, saying he was at his best back then.
- 53:22Tim bought a condo, rented it out, and stopped paying the mortgage because he had no money.
- 53:38A foreclosure officer would show up every morning, so Tim hid in the bathroom to avoid him.
- 53:55Tim set his alarm for 7 a.m. knowing the server was coming, then hid in the bathroom.
- 54:10The officer spotted Tim through the window and said he could see him in the bathroom.
- 54:23After three weeks of hiding in the shower, Tim finally gave up and accepted the papers.
- 54:53A storytelling show at UCB made $0.35 in total.
Bennegan'sUCBMiami South BeachOrlando
- 1 min
Andrew plugs his monthly storytelling show at UCB East and teases an unannounced New York Comedy Festival appearance he can't yet confirm.
2moments
- 55:20UCB East storytelling show happens the last Saturday of the month in the East Village.
- 55:31Tim's plan for the New York Comedy Festival is hanging out in Jersey instead.
- 5 min
Prank Calling Bennigan's About Fake Irish Menu Items and a Cop Retirement Party
#Tim and Andrew prank call a Bennigan's location asking about fictional menu items like the Protestant Blood Burger and Famine Tots, then escalate into planning a fake early-retirement party for police officers involved in a shooting.
10moments
- 55:53Tim plans to call Bennigan's and ask about fake Irish menu items they supposedly served.
- 56:13Examples of absurd fake menu names: Lebrakon dick, IRA apple pie, Father Flannery's enchiladas.
- 56:25Bennigan's actually had a County Clear sampler with enchiladas and chicken nuggets.
- 57:36Tim calls Bennigan's pretending to plan an event, asks if they still serve Turkey O'Tool and Father Flannery's enchiladas.
- 58:03Tim asks about Blarney bites and famine tots, claiming these were real old menu items.
- 58:33Tim invents the Protestant blood burger and describes its toppings to the confused employee.
- 59:09Tim says he's planning an early retirement party for a cop friend who shot an unarmed person.
- 59:31Tim warns the Bennigan's employee that protesters might show up and target the restaurant if word gets out.
- 1:00:02Tim asks about Bennigan's policy on bringing weapons into the restaurant, then clarifies they're all cops.
- 1:00:41Employee reveals Bennigan's offers 20% off for police officers, even those under investigation for shooting innocent people.
- 1 min
Tim thanks Andrew Collin, caller Joe, and mocks Bennigan's one more time before closing with social media plugs and a request to rate and review the show.
2moments
- 1:01:14Tim thanks Benigans for being a complete fucking laughing stock of an operation.
- 1:01:29Standard sign-off: asks listeners to like, subscribe on iTunes, and review the show.